Captain Juan Juarez Posted March 5, 2010 Author Share Posted March 5, 2010 Emperor only knows why, but I have made a few changes to the first post.. Mainly trimming down and rewording the Volta Incident. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Captain Juan Juarez Posted March 5, 2010 Author Share Posted March 5, 2010 Interesting, people keep reading but no one comments... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brother_Kaelgrim Posted March 6, 2010 Share Posted March 6, 2010 Reread the history, something jumped out. The whole Voltis incident reads oddly, its hard to follow what is happening, certain lines seem misplaced and it all kind of ends with a rushed "Chapter master is here and we fightsz, oh noes we killed the Inquisitor, lets run now kk, oh noes they caught us we gots almost wiped out and our Chapter master is angry nao." Least thats the impression I got. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Captain Juan Juarez Posted March 6, 2010 Author Share Posted March 6, 2010 Well, I have changed it again, but the fact is I can only transmit so much information when people keepy saying that that part is too long... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brother_Kaelgrim Posted March 6, 2010 Share Posted March 6, 2010 It almost seems like we are given too much info at the start of the Voltus incident, then things move very quickly near the end. Break it up a bit, lengthen the end and shorten up the beginning. All we need to know about the start is there is some sort of rebellion, and the 4th company is dealing with it. Then the Inquisition comes, orders the 4th company to depart then fires on the planet. Why do they do this? Did the Inquisitor thing the 4th company had left and then fired? Whats the timeframe for that? What causes Lowak's anger? Why is there some much RAAAAGE near the end? It seems like alot of the foolishness is on the part of the Just, yet the Lord Justice is the one angry at the foolishness of it all. Maybe I'm misreading it, but its hard to pull out a clear story from that IMO. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Captain Juan Juarez Posted March 6, 2010 Author Share Posted March 6, 2010 Obviously, I'm the author so I know what I mean, but the way it reads to me is thusly: The Fourth attempt to stem a rebellion, but are forced to withdraw unless they wish to exterminate innocent civilians. An Inquisitor has arrived to deal with the situation, along with regiments of the Guard, and orders the Fourth to depart. The Inquisitor has his vessels fire a bombardment which slaughters thousands, and which makes Captain Lowak angry at the cost of the innocent and so he judges the Inquisitor guilty and seeks redress. As the battle begins to go against the lone Strike Cruiser, elements of the Fleet reacting to the distress call, arrive to tip the balance. Following that Lord Justice Virtok, despite seeing the foolishness of it all, calls for the evacuation of Jericia before any retribution can follow but they do not escape in time. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brother_Kaelgrim Posted March 6, 2010 Share Posted March 6, 2010 See that alone is much more useful than what is on the first page :lol: Flesh that bit of text out just slightly and you'll have a nice description of the incident. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Captain Juan Juarez Posted March 6, 2010 Author Share Posted March 6, 2010 The Volta Incident has now been altered, again... <_< Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brother_Kaelgrim Posted March 6, 2010 Share Posted March 6, 2010 Alas my brother, I see not these changes of which you speak! To me, the incident still reads exactly the same as I read earlier. Are you edits not going through or are they elsewhere than the front page? Maybe I'm delusional, but I've noticed no change. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Captain Juan Juarez Posted March 6, 2010 Author Share Posted March 6, 2010 The Imperial world of Volta drew the attention of the Fourth Company, under the command of Captain Lowak, of The Just after psychic distress signals were detected during a routine patrol. Following the intial success of cleansing the Governers Palace, a number of indecisive engagements culminated in almost forty thousand civilians, sprinkled with the remains of rebel PDF forces, being driven towards the Governors Palace; command centre for the Fourth. Despite council from his Sergeants and the Librarium detail attached to the Company, Lowak refused to consider any other action but withdrawal and commenced relocation operations immediately. During the withdrawal Captain Lowak discovered the true extent of the rebellion, along with a curt order from the Inquisitor to leave local space and allow the Inquisition and the Imperial Guard to deal with the world. As the first bombardment from the Inquisitorial flagship slammed into the area around the Governors Palace with catastrophic effect, a misread read data-log from the shipboard sensorium filtered through to Lowak and spured his rage; that initial strike was swiftly followed by a broadside from His Will Be Done. Outnumbered and all but outgunned by Lord-Inquisitor Tobias Pern his small shoal of vessels, mostly troopships, headed by the Overlord-Class cruiser that he made his flagship the Furious Might, Captain Lowak ordered attack vectors plotted, determined to make the Inquisitor pay for his callous attitude. Even as his ship was bracketed by a dreadful crossfire, a smile crossed the helmetless lips of Captain Lowak as from the in-system vox a message roared: “And Justice for all!” Following days of warp travel on reciept of the same message that had drawn in the Fourth, the Lord Justice’s own flagship, the Battlebarge Judgement, surged into the fray alongside its escorts and the Strike Cruisers The Faithful and Remembrance tipping the fight in the favour of The Just, but they could not prevent a squadron of light cruisers running during the chaos of the battle. Upon returning to Jericia Lord Justice Virtok, displaying uncharacteristic rage at the foolishness of it all, ordered the Chapter to be ready to withdraw fully within the week lest Imperial retribution come; though that retribution was far quicker in coming than expected. Two days before the entire Chapter was ready the Imperium struck back headed by a coven of Inquisitors and four full regiments of the Imperial Guard. In the fighting withdrawal that followed The Just lost over three hundred men, these losses increasing further an already prodigious rage that settled over Lord Justice Virtok. Even during the withdrawal many questions were asked, and theories mooted, about what had drawn an Inquisitor to such a mundane and unimportant world, but such was the Chapters anger and sorrow at their losses that these avenues were never explored. ^^The New Bit! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Octavulg Posted March 6, 2010 Share Posted March 6, 2010 +++Searching...++++++Searching...+++ +++Data Found+++ +++Accessing....+++ +++Beginning Security Scans+++ +++Present For Gene Ident+++ +++Please Wait...+++ +++Please Wait...+++ +++Identity Confimed; Welcome Brother Vertorn+++ +++Decryption Enabled, Please Wait...+++ +++Displaying+++ ++Thought For The Day: Hate Will Soothe The Troubled Mind++ I am not Brother Vertorn. Nor are most people. The Just "Forgive you? Forgiveness is between you and the Emperor, it is my job to arrange that meeting." - Executioner Horek, before slaying the renegade Sergeant Voraad. Adding a quick introductory paragraph about the chapter below the quote would lengthen this out a bit. The usual "this is the chapter, this is what they're like, dammit they're awesome" thing that goes in front of most GW IAs. A more conventional name would suit better, IMO. It's just so, so short. The Imperial world of Volta drew the attention of the Fourth Company, under the command of Captain Lowak, of The Just after psychic distress signals were detected during a routine patrol. You shouldn't capitalize the 'the' in 'the Just'. Much like it isn't capitalized in the Toronto Symphony Orchestra or the United States. The Origins section should have spent some time explaining how the Just came to be the Just. Where the obsession with justice came from, etc. Following the intial success of cleansing the Governers Palace, a number of indecisive engagements culminated in almost forty thousand civilians, sprinkled with the remains of rebel PDF forces, being driven towards the Governors Palace; command centre for the Fourth. Despite council from his Sergeants and the Librarium detail attached to the Company, Lowak refused to consider any other action but withdrawal and commenced relocation operations immediately.During the withdrawal Captain Lowak discovered the true extent of the rebellion, along with a curt order from the Inquisitor to leave local space and allow the Inquisition and the Imperial Guard to deal with the world. Uh...what? You go from signals to midway through the battle (also, excessive details about battles, blah, blah, blah). Following days of warp travel on reciept of the same message that had drawn in the Fourth, the Lord Justice’s own flagship, the Battlebarge Judgement, surged into the fray alongside its escorts and the Strike Cruisers The Faithful and Remembrance tipping the fight in the favour of The Just, but they could not prevent a squadron of light cruisers running during the chaos of the battle. ...I have no idea what just happened. This is the other reason to present battles simply and plainly - people know what the hell happened. <_< Even during the withdrawal many questions were asked, and theories mooted, about what had drawn an Inquisitor to such a mundane and unimportant world, but such was the Chapters anger and sorrow at their losses that these avenues were never explored. What was the reason, between you and me. If you don't have one, smack thyself on the hand and come up with one - plausible writing requires reasons, even if you don't necessarily share them with the audience. * * * General notes: You need more broad strokes, fewer details. More why, less how and what. Right now, there's an abundance of details about organization and why they left the Imperium, but the character these things describe does not yet wholly exist - focus on that. Personally, I think we need more detail about how the Chapter came to be and how their philosophy arose. More about their philosophy, and how it saw the Imperium and humanity, and the duties of a Space Marine. More about their Combat Doctrine, and how they approach warfare generally. Give me more 'why'. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Captain Juan Juarez Posted March 6, 2010 Author Share Posted March 6, 2010 Just when I thought I couldn't be picked apart any more.. :cuss I appreciate your advice, immensely in fact, and I shall give it my best shot to improve... But afer so many attempts I'm not sure I have enough left in me to carry on with this. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Octavulg Posted March 6, 2010 Share Posted March 6, 2010 Well, don't try and write the whole IA. Write an outline. Rewriting thousands of words is for suckers. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Captain Juan Juarez Posted March 7, 2010 Author Share Posted March 7, 2010 Following some conisderation I have decided to overhaul the Just, particularly the Homeworld and Combat Doctrine sections... But the enitre principal may now change. Thank you everyone for your input and consideration.. Stay tuned. :D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brother_Kaelgrim Posted March 7, 2010 Share Posted March 7, 2010 I eagerly await the new Just :D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Captain Juan Juarez Posted March 7, 2010 Author Share Posted March 7, 2010 Heres a teaser: The Just are becoming the informal name of a Company within the Chapter, but now I'm struggling for a Chapter name as my current idea is also something I want to use for another informal Company name. Some details: The new incarnation have a mountainous homeworld - still Jericia - and will focus on precision, surgical, strikes with an emphasis on jump packs that ties in with the homeworld... But I can't think of a suitable name. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Octavulg Posted March 7, 2010 Share Posted March 7, 2010 Too many informal company names can get confusing. Be cautious. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Captain Juan Juarez Posted March 7, 2010 Author Share Posted March 7, 2010 Too many informal company names can get confusing. Be cautious. There are only two, I'm not going to have a full ten names. The Just, currently the Third Company, some I can keep some elements of the original IA. The Headhunters, undecided, but I have a "good" backstory for the name. It's the Chapter name I'm currently struggling with and I'm loathe to use the Creator! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Octavulg Posted March 7, 2010 Share Posted March 7, 2010 Dude, the Just were fine as a concept, they just need explanation of that concept. Don't go throwing it all overboard... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Captain Juan Juarez Posted March 7, 2010 Author Share Posted March 7, 2010 Dude, the Just were fine as a concept, they just need explanation of that concept. Don't go throwing it all overboard... A concept I don't feel I can go further with.. So, I'm going to use what I have to integrate into a new concept! Possible names, courtesy of the CNG, Blood Knights, Iron Stalkers and Red Stalkers. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Octavulg Posted March 7, 2010 Share Posted March 7, 2010 JJ, my son? Don't scrap everything and start over too often, or you're going to end up with nobody bothering because you'll just yank the rug away again. You can probably get away with it this once, but be cautious. Also, what do you mean you can't go further with them? Explain how they got their beliefs. Knock off for lunch. You don't have much farther to go. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Captain Juan Juarez Posted March 7, 2010 Author Share Posted March 7, 2010 JJ, my son? Don't scrap everything and start over too often, or you're going to end up with nobody bothering because you'll just yank the rug away again. You can probably get away with it this once, but be cautious. Also, what do you mean you can't go further with them? Explain how they got their beliefs. Knock off for lunch. You don't have much farther to go. Oh I think I have an idea now that I can complete, using elements of the original.. And if I can't... I quit :) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ecritter Posted March 7, 2010 Share Posted March 7, 2010 Looks good so far, just got a couple questions. First, tech at the same level as the Imperium ... isn't that pushing it a bit? Second, world of all mountains sounds cool .... but are there any lakes or oceans, or is it all barran mountains? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Captain Juan Juarez Posted March 7, 2010 Author Share Posted March 7, 2010 Looks good so far, just got a couple questions. First, tech at the same level as the Imperium ... isn't that pushing it a bit? Second, world of all mountains sounds cool .... but are there any lakes or oceans, or is it all barran mountains? Well, admittedly I originally had it a few levels below the Imperium and I think I may change it back. Really, it was just because I wanted them to have a very basic version of a jump pack, which would tie in with their combat doc. and homeworld. I need to expand on the mountainous nature, and I have plans but wanted to get the first basics in... But there is water, i.e. flooded valleys that can extend for miles until blocked off by other ranges. This also means that the habitat of the natives is slowly destroying itself too, which I think is interesting. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ecritter Posted March 7, 2010 Share Posted March 7, 2010 Sounds better, did you ever consider the name Iron Judges? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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