IA: Iron Angels

[Captain Juan Juarez]

Sounds better, did you ever consider the name Iron Judges?

 

I'm trying to steer the Chapter away from any justice-related concepts, barring the Third Company, as I didnt succeed so well with having the entire Chapter based around that.

 

Iron Angels because:

 

1) I think it sounds cool.

2) It ties in again with the jump pack thing.

[Ecritter]

Iron Angels is good, I was just suggesting in case you still wanted to go in that direction.

[Captain Juan Juarez]

Iron Angels is good, I was just suggesting in case you still wanted to go in that direction.

 

Aye, were I still going with the entire justice theme I would probably use "Iron Judges" as it's way better than "The Just".

 

I've made a few changes, to include what I had mentioned. C&C anyone?

[Ecritter]

The people of Jericia are a hardy people, given their environment, are are generally large and broad as a rule; though with all evolutions there are abbherations. Thought the majority of Aspirants come from Jerician townships, the Iron Angels have never been adverse to recruiting from other sources such as unsettled worlds.

Jericians practise a very specialised for of inter-township warfare, involving the use of a mode of personal transport very similar to the Astartes jump pack, that allows for pinpoint strikes to decapitate the leadership of a township allowing battles to be fought with limited casualties.

 

Just a few grammer issues I found, otherwise coming along nicely.

[Captain Juan Juarez]

Irritatingly, I had checked for issues but then I cut and paste form the original and I forgot it brought them back!

 

EDIT: Corrected.

 

Time to move on to the next section?

[Brother_Kaelgrim]

The whole thing does seem to flow better now, easier to read. I thought the townships was interesting, why do they fight though? Are resources slim? A reason for that would be interesting. Or perhaps change it from warring to some kind of sport, like a high speed game of dodgeball with jetpacks or something which make aspirants excellent jump pack marines.

 

The tech that the world has is a bit tricky to read past without going "dwah?" but you don't overplay it and it seems to mesh well enough.

 

One major thing that stuck out to me was the opening bit.

 

You state the chapter's founding is unclear/unknown, but then go on to state they were formed for a very specific kind of threat in a specific area. Not sure whether that should be changed or not, but it stood out to me.

[Captain Juan Juarez]

Cheers, Brother Kaelgrim, for your positive comments!

 

For the Founding, I admit that I overlooked that bit from the original but I will alter it now.

 

EDIT: I've speculated the 7th Founding, but as there is no specific date I have left the date in.

 

Thoughts?

[Brother_Kaelgrim]

That works I suppose, it was in hind sight a relatively minor thing. Expand it out a bit I think, its starting to definitely take shape.

[Captain Juan Juarez]

That works I suppose, it was in hind sight a relatively minor thing. Expand it out a bit I think, its starting to definitely take shape.

 

I decided, given past failures, to work section by section so I can iron out flaws before I move on.. Saves me being impatient.

 

So, no more criticisms?

[Brother_Kaelgrim]

Not at the moment....expand and we shall see :D

[Octavulg]

Juan? This very day I advised Alecto not to work section by section. I must offer you the same advice:

 

At least provide an outline for the other sections. You wouldn't try to build a house one entire room at a time, would you?

 

That way, if there's major flaws in something, you have to rewrite less. And since we can see the big picture, we're better able to offer advice.

[Captain Juan Juarez]

Juan? This very day I advised Alecto not to work section by section. I must offer you the same advice:

 

At least provide an outline for the other sections. You wouldn't try to build a house one entire room at a time, would you?

 

That way, if there's major flaws in something, you have to rewrite less. And since we can see the big picture, we're better able to offer advice.

 

I'd like to think I'm slightly different, as I have the basic sections in a file on my computer but I'm adding bit by bit so that when a problem arises I can find and alter it quickly.

[Captain Juan Juarez]

Next section, Beliefs, is up for review :D

[Grey Hunter Ydalir]

Or perhaps change it from warring to some kind of sport, like a high speed game of dodgeball with jetpacks or something which make aspirants excellent jump pack marines.

 

40k Quiddich indeed.

 

I would not strap any teenager or young child into a high-powered jetpack for the sake of a sport quite frankly. It would be like Blood Bowl except with a 100% mortality rate. I sense a sharp population decline on the horizon.

 

You also don't need anything of the sort. Plenty of other chapters have exceptional jump pack troops without it.

[Captain Juan Juarez]

GHY..

 

Firstly, you have the quote in your sig worng.. I said the first part, and I believe Battle-Brother Ludovic said the second :D

 

Secondly, I didn't like the idea of jump pack games so I left it as they possess a lower tech jump pack.

[Grey Hunter Ydalir]

:D

 

Check again.

[Captain Juan Juarez]

:D

 

Check again.

 

Thats better... :P

[Grey Hunter Ydalir]

Secondly, I didn't like the idea of jump pack games so I left it as they possess a lower tech jump pack.

 

Any piece of equipment that allows a child or teenager to apply opposite thrust as they choose is dangerous to their health. It's like riding a motercycle without hands except adding a second axis for them to cause a catastrophy in. Then give said motercycle rider the cognitive function and lack of experience of a youth and you are simply asking for a lot of deaths. Hardship breeds a hardy people. Needless idiocy breeds very few.

[Captain Juan Juarez]

Secondly, I didn't like the idea of jump pack games so I left it as they possess a lower tech jump pack.

 

Any piece of equipment that allows a child or teenager to apply opposite thrust as they choose is dangerous to their health. It's like riding a motercycle without hands except adding a second axis for them to cause a catastrophy in. Then give said motercycle rider the cognitive function and lack of experience of a youth and you are simply asking for a lot of deaths. Hardship breeds a hardy people. Needless idiocy breeds very few.

 

Ah, but I never said children used them.. They are a key component of Jerician warfare and as such, the practice has been absorbed like other traits by the Chapter.

[Grey Hunter Ydalir]

Ah fair enough, I was working under the wrong assumptions obviously, my mistake. Apologies JJ.

[Captain Juan Juarez]

Ah fair enough, I was working under the wrong assumptions obviously, my mistake. Apologies JJ.

 

Hey, at least you were looking.. So I can forgive! ;)

 

What do you think of the Chapter so far, GHY, is it meshing together properly?

I think it is but I could be accused of a bit of bias... :P

[Grey Hunter Ydalir]

++Thought For The Day: Hate Will Soothe The Troubled Mind++

 

I honestly dislike this kind of thing. The reader is not an Inquisitor or Imperial Scholar, and they aren't searching an Imperial database either.

 

659.M32.

 

I'd prefer if you said 'early' or 'late' M32. It just adds the extra ambiguity that Imperial record keeping seems to run with.

 

Initial operations were prone to setbacks as the Chapter sought to bring a conclusive end to the campaign, opting for force rather than the surgical strikes their training and aptitude allow them to excel at.

 

Well you still apply force in a surgical strike, the only difference being a much tighter focus of that force to achieve a certain objective. It's not terribly well worded but I know what you're getting at.

 

tasked by the Chapter Master to hunt traitors wherever they hid; and so the Third Company became known as the Just.

 

Needs a little bit of qualification here. Wouldn't it be more logical to call them the Hunters? or the Persuers? The Prosecutors? It simply seems a bit of an odd choice given the nature of their duties.

 

The rest of the world covered in mountains of varying heights and lengths and it is upon these ranges that the natives build their homes using some form of antiv-gravity and adhesion technology which holds their townships to the mountains; townships which are joined to a greater or lesser degree with grav-bridges using the same tech as the townships.

Copies of this technology, necessitating the relocation of three smaller townships, were donated to the Adeptus Mechanicum as a gesture of good will; a gesture which over time has culminated in fairly cordial relations with local Forgeworlds.

 

I'm not entirely comfortable with this use of technology that the AdMech has trouble reproducing. A donation may well foster better relations but I see it as much more likely that they aren't even given the chance to offer it before the AdMech storm in and take it by force, probably banning any further non-Adeptus produced machines or materials. Anything pre-existing would likely be left alone and studied, maybe a few bits and pieces here being dismantled. However any knowledge of the tech would definetly be taken out of the hands of the population.

 

 

It's good, if far too short, but it's only the start so there's no real problem there.

[Captain Juan Juarez]

++Thought For The Day: Hate Will Soothe The Troubled Mind++

 

I honestly dislike this kind of thing. The reader is not an Inquisitor or Imperial Scholar, and they aren't searching an Imperial database either.

 

It's just for a bit of colour, so to speak.

 

659.M32.

 

I'd prefer if you said 'early' or 'late' M32. It just adds the extra ambiguity that Imperial record keeping seems to run with.

 

I shall consider making a change.

 

Initial operations were prone to setbacks as the Chapter sought to bring a conclusive end to the campaign, opting for force rather than the surgical strikes their training and aptitude allow them to excel at.

 

Well you still apply force in a surgical strike, the only difference being a much tighter focus of that force to achieve a certain objective. It's not terribly well worded but I know what you're getting at.

 

I shall reword it in that case!

 

tasked by the Chapter Master to hunt traitors wherever they hid; and so the Third Company became known as the Just.

 

Needs a little bit of qualification here. Wouldn't it be more logical to call them the Hunters? or the Persuers? The Prosecutors? It simply seems a bit of an odd choice given the nature of their duties.

 

I shall rethink the name, but I'd like to keep it.

 

The rest of the world covered in mountains of varying heights and lengths and it is upon these ranges that the natives build their homes using some form of antiv-gravity and adhesion technology which holds their townships to the mountains; townships which are joined to a greater or lesser degree with grav-bridges using the same tech as the townships.

Copies of this technology, necessitating the relocation of three smaller townships, were donated to the Adeptus Mechanicum as a gesture of good will; a gesture which over time has culminated in fairly cordial relations with local Forgeworlds.

 

I'm not entirely comfortable with this use of technology that the AdMech has trouble reproducing. A donation may well foster better relations but I see it as much more likely that they aren't even given the chance to offer it before the AdMech storm in and take it by force, probably banning any further non-Adeptus produced machines or materials. Anything pre-existing would likely be left alone and studied, maybe a few bits and pieces here being dismantled. However any knowledge of the tech would definetly be taken out of the hands of the population.

 

I see it as akin to post-Roman Britain - Technology was still around, such as stone bridges, that was used but could not be recreated. The Jericians have had it since beyind their records and so have never thought other of it. The Chapter, to save - kind of - he natives - "donated" pieces of the tech on the understanding that the rest would stay in place for some time.

 

It's good, if far too short, but it's only the start so there's no real problem there.

 

As always, thank you GHY!

[Captain Juan Juarez]

I have finally bowed to the mighty wisdom of Lord Octavulg :woot:

 

I have updated the first post with everything I currently have - I'm lacking a geneseed section (because of a conundrum) and a Battlecry, as the previous incarnation isn't appropriate.

 

 

C&C anyone?

[Ecritter]

Sounds good to me so far, only thing that bothers me is the beliefs section. SMs as nice guys .... gonna be hard to get past the censors. Marines by nature kill ... kill anything that may (and I stress the may) be tainted without thought or question. Not really the nice guy material.

 

edit: One other suggestion.

 

Rather then doing away with Tactical and Devastator squads, it may work just to use less and equip those with jump packs. Workable?

 

Also, using mostly Assault squads, where will the Termies be?