Dosjetka Posted March 19, 2010 Share Posted March 19, 2010 Part I Captain Kryv observed the scene. Many of his men were wounded and a handful had died, their gene-seed being harvested by Brother-Apothecary Dosok. He had not expected so many casualties and grieved every single loss of brother. Among the wounded and fallen Astartes, there were hundreds of dead renegade Planetary Defence Forces. It disgusted him to see that so many could be swayed to follow the path to damnation and turn away from the light of the Emperor. He mentally activated the vox-implants in his throat and opened up a channel to Epistolary Iven. ++ As soon as you and your team are ready, you may proceed to leave Brother Iven. ++ ++ We are ready, may Dorn and the Emperor watch over us. I will report back as soon as we are on the edge of the complex. Make sure that Brother-Techmarine Vladir is ready with the transmission. ++ ++ For Dorn and the Emperor, Iven. ++ The determination in the Captain’s voice was audible even to Iven. As Kryv ended the vox-transmission with the Epistolary, he walked towards Dosok to ask about the casualties. “Twelve brothers have been wounded, three of which seriously. They are being extracted to the Eternal Hammer via Thunderhawk as we speak. We also have seven deaths.” The Apothecary’s voice was low and solemn. He knew what these losses meant to the Captain and he wished he could have saved them. A single tear ran down the Apothecary’s face behind his helmet. He hadn’t been able to save his brothers. Was he still worthy of being one of the Chapter’s healers? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
calgar101 Posted March 20, 2010 Share Posted March 20, 2010 I don't see no mistakes. Thats quite an emotional beginning and i like it. Yo haven't gone over board, making them crying babies yet you feel the sadness they feel! I like it! Just one tiny thing; write more! :ermm: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dosjetka Posted March 20, 2010 Author Share Posted March 20, 2010 Thanks for the comment calgar101, 'tis appreciated :) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Skirax Posted March 20, 2010 Share Posted March 20, 2010 It is well written, but yes, you need to write more :rolleyes: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Captain Juan Juarez Posted March 20, 2010 Share Posted March 20, 2010 I see this even found its way to ImpLit :rolleyes: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dosjetka Posted March 21, 2010 Author Share Posted March 21, 2010 Thanks for all the comments. Here's part two. **************** Part II There was only the hiss of static to reply to Kryv’s vox-message. Iven was not receiving his transmission. The Captain’s features grew pale, his eyes froze, cold sweat started to form on his brow. He couldn’t be dead, he couldn’t. He needed the Epistolary. He could not just slip away like that. After a few moments, his warrior instinct took hold of him and he started running towards his personal Land Raider. ++ Get her ready, Vladin. Now! ++ Kryv didn’t even hear the driver’s reply, his mind was only thinking about one person: Iven. He had to find out what was going on. ++ Squad Slavek, rendez-vous at my Land Raider in zero-two. Move, now! ++ The worry could be heard in his voice and Slavek knew instantly that something was wrong. “Squad, move out to the Fist of Illumination, we meet there in zero-one.” Slavek broke into a run. He unholstered his boltgun loosed off a couple of shots into the muddy ground to make sure their was no blockage. No problems there. He looked around him. He could see his men rushing towards the yellow behemoth and the confused faces of his other brothers. What was going on? The question was etched onto every single Space Marine’s face and even he didn’t know yet what was happening. Whatever it was, he knew it could be terrible news. He felt a knot in his stomach and he felt unease rise. Oh, how he hated that feeling. He tried to crush it but the more he tried, the worse it got. What was going on? ******************** To be honest, I'm not very happy with this part, but I await your C&C before changing it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
calgar101 Posted March 21, 2010 Share Posted March 21, 2010 It is good, maybe remove the fear part? You as Space Marines are all but immune to fear. But i duno, it seems good to me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dosjetka Posted March 21, 2010 Author Share Posted March 21, 2010 Ok, well I've replaced fear with unease and worry. Should be a bit better now. :P Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
calgar101 Posted March 22, 2010 Share Posted March 22, 2010 Sounds better, well thats what i think :( Or the "And They Shall Know No Fear" becomes redundant ;) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dosjetka Posted March 22, 2010 Author Share Posted March 22, 2010 Thanks! Yeah, does sound better! Part III coming soon to a forum near you :( Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
calgar101 Posted March 22, 2010 Share Posted March 22, 2010 Soon? soon? I have lavished you and others with many a chapter and all i get is a soon!?! *Stomps off through a wall in a mood* :( It will be interesting to see where this is going. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dosjetka Posted March 22, 2010 Author Share Posted March 22, 2010 Part III The Land Raider lumbered forward, pushing aside still smoldering wrecks of renegade APC's and plowing through meter-high piles of corpses, blood and gore splattering the sides and front of the yellow behemoth. Inside, Kryv and his fellow battle-brothers were reciting the teachings of the Rethoricus and their Primarch. As soons as these would finish, the Captain, in absence of the Company Chaplain, would annoint the Astartes' weapons. None would be left out. ++ Bunker Complex Theta coming up two klicks ahead. No sign of enemy activity. Do we proceed? ++ ++ Yes. We will show these mindless traitors and their blasphemous masters what the wrath of Dorn is! Let them feel the anger of the Emperor! ++ A few minutes later, the complex was in view. There was no sign of life on the outside and nothing showed up on the Land Raider's scanners. As Kryv studied the screens inside the passenger area, the sickly green light illuminating his gaunt features, there was only one thought in his head: Where in the Emperor's name were they? Iven and his team should be only a click away to the north-east, yet there was nothing fin a five click radius. What as going on? ++ Continue onwards to the complex, Slavek, but be careful and keep your scanners on active search. Gunner Keov. Keep your eyes peeled for enemy troops! ++ ++ Understood, sir. ++ Wherever those rats were hiding, they would suffer their wrath. A small grin tugged at the corner of his mouth. It would feel good to fight again. ********* As always, C&C appreciated! :mellow: Edit: I listened to this song while writing this, I highly recommend it! :cuss Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
calgar101 Posted March 22, 2010 Share Posted March 22, 2010 Good chapter, building up the suspense nice and good :) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dosjetka Posted March 23, 2010 Author Share Posted March 23, 2010 Thanks calgar101, though seem to be the only reader...oh well, they will come in time..:P Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dosjetka Posted March 23, 2010 Author Share Posted March 23, 2010 Part IV ++ We have contact point-six east, Captain. Identified as renegade PDF APC's, class Chimera, two of them. ++ Kryv grinned ferally. They had been waiting for this. ++ Show them the might of the Godhammer lascannons, Slavek. Fire at will. ++ He could hear Slavek's laughter as the first Chimera exploded into flames, it's ammunition igniting, it's side armour offering little protection to the powerful las beam. The second APC, this one covered in gore and blood, heads hanging of chains on the hull, stopped in it's tracks and started firing it's turret-mounted multi-laser as the Land Raider in a futile attempt to penetrate the frontal armour. It was never going to work. The bonded ceramite and adamantium plates offered some of the best protection in the Imperium for land vehicles. It would not be breached. Again, the Land Raider shook as the sponson-mounted lascannons unleashed another beam of devastating energy. The second APC was left a burning wreck of metal and corpses. The yellow behemoth plowed through the wreck and continued onwards, not stopping, Brohter Zejev gunning down two survivors from the top hatch, using the pintle-mounted storm bolter. The bolts buried themselves deep into their chests and detonated, sending even more blood and gore into the air and onto the destroyed Chimera. Hah, that scum could not hurt the sons of Dorn. Minutes later, the driver voxed Kryv, alerting the Captain of a small hill of smoldering corpses. ++ Stop point-one clicks away. We will search the area for survivors. Keep her ready for leaving at any moment. Understood? ++ ++ Yes, Captain. ++ As Kryv and his squad disembarked, they spread out, weapons trained, ready for any attack. What they saw in front of them was a thing that no one in their wildest dreams expected. In the pile, there were power armoured figures, their bodies were little more than ashes and calcinated bones. The yellow that was barely noticeable told Kryv all that he needed to know: they had found Iven's team. ***** C&C as always appreciated! :D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dosjetka Posted March 23, 2010 Author Share Posted March 23, 2010 I edited the previous post and made it slightly longer. Enjoy and tell me what you think of it! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
calgar101 Posted March 23, 2010 Share Posted March 23, 2010 Don't worry i feel some times that only Skirax reads my stories and was my only fan :) I think you may need to increase chapter lengths or merge the first 4 into 2 as they seem a little small. Your writing is very good :) You have captured me Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lorgars Servent Posted March 27, 2010 Share Posted March 27, 2010 WoW! just came across your story :P it! Brilliant start and building up of suspense! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dosjetka Posted March 28, 2010 Author Share Posted March 28, 2010 WoW = World of Warcraft :) Anyway, thanks a lot, I'll try and update soon! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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