Dosjetka Posted March 29, 2010 Share Posted March 29, 2010 Part I: ****** Capsule XII broke the night sky over the Collis Ferreus, leaving a trail of fire across the night sky. Landing in the centre of a petrified forest, throwing up dust and scattering the queer beasts that were there, Capsule XII buried itself in the ground. A slowly spreading stain of dark amniotic liquid soaked the rock, spreading like blood. The hatch at the top of the capsule swung slowly open. A child, unsteady and inquisitive, tumbled from the hatch. Picking himself up, the boy began to walk. For asplit second, the moonlight pierced the clouds and shone onto Angron, his grey eyes sparkling. He stopped after a walking a few steps. A few paces away stood eight tall and slender figures, all clad in jade green armour with brass symbols, shadowing him, their blood red eyes peering down at him. The sound of a chainsword firing up could be heard echoing in the eerie silence of the stone forest. The chainsword came down at the child fast, but he was faster. He dived between one of the warrior’s legs, slicing at them with two shards of reinforced armacrys from the capsule's shattered front. The xenos cried out in agony and collapsed as they penetrated the soft joint armour, creating deep gashes. As soon as the young boy had wounded one of the warriors, he pounced from a petrified stump onto another, this time slicing at its soft throat armour with ease. As the second xenos collapsed gurgling, its helmet came off. The creature’s slim features were covered in the blood that it was spitting. One by one, the xenos warriors collapsed, gashes all over their bodies, their blue-grey blood tainting the grey-white stone and snow. They were trained to very high levels, yet they were not able to match the boy’s fierceness and agility. As he stood there amongst the corpses, his knees buckled beneath him, the snow-covered rock rushing up to meet him. He had been wounded too by the shuriken stars and blades of his opponents and was lying down on his face, blood oozing out of his wounds, his body covered in sweat and xenos blood, too spent to do anything. In the distance, he could hear the crunching of feet in the freshly fallen snow. ****** Abito approached the wreck with extreme caution, his two-handed battleaxe ready for any sudden attack. He had been stalking a herd of Kunas, the local mountain goats, for many days in the Slivae Mortuus, the petrified forest in the middle of the Collis Ferreus mountain range. It was said to be a cursed place and many of the villagers who knew the slaver said that he was mad to venture alone into the valley. The tall and strong man had ignored their comments and had set out six days before the full-moon. He cursed his misfortune as he had never been able to come close enough to kill one of the Kunas as they always fled, even when he approached them in the most silent of ways. Abito was known to be one of the best hunters in the region and was deeply concerned about what was happenening. Was it the Gods who willed it this way? He had placed his offerings upon the altar of their main temple in the settlement where he resided and had especially gone on a pilgrimage to the Hunter-God’s shrine, situated deep in the Nigrum Forest. He quickly whispered a prayer to Enrohk the Warrior, his patron god, and advanced towards the smoking wreck. There were bloodstains, gore and strange pieces of equipment all over the snow and rock around the destroyed capsule. Abito felt am unfamiliar feeling rise in his stomach. What had happened here? A small grunt pulled the slaver from his thoughts. Abito swirled to his left and discovered a bloody scene: a small boy was on the ground, face down, blood oozing out from the many wounds that had been inflicted to him. Around him were eight slender looking bodies, all clad in jade-green armour that had been cut and damaged in many places. Some of the creatures had had their necks sliced or their limbs torn off. Many of them were helmet less and he could see their faces, distorted with pain, blood spattered all over them. As he absorbed all this information, he understood who had killed these warriors. He stared at awe at the young human boy that was lying down in front of him. How could this be? A boy could not possibly defeat what looked like eight highly trained warriors. He quickly realised the potential of the boy in the techno-gladiatorial arenas of Dash’ea, the planet’s capital. Visions of luxury and of planet-wide renown flooded his thoughts. He acted quickly, gently picking up the boy, fastening chains around his wrists and ankles so that he would not escape, placing a piece of boiled leather into the boy’s mouth to prevent him biting and tying it around his head. As soon as he had done that, he lifted Angron onto his shoulders and started walking back to his small makeshift camp. He would see to Angron’s wounds as best as he could. He could not let such an opportunity slip away from his grasp. As he trudged through the thick snow in the eerie silent stone forest, he started grinning. Fame was going to be his. Part II: The sound of metal weapons clashing was the first he heard after many days in a deep coma. He had had dreams, bloody dreams, dreams of death and destruction. And now the sounds of war had come. War cries, screams of agony, the clash of weapons. He did not want to open his eyes. Fear gripped him. Pain flowed through his body, agony distorted his young features. The cold air around him made him shiver. What was this place? Where was he? He hesitantly opened one eye after having cleared his head of the bloody thoughts that still haunted him. He was in a dark, damp and cold cell, his wrists and ankles clamped in chains that were too tight. He tried to sit up but every time he moved, another wave of pain coursed up and down his body, making him collapse again, hitting the floor with a low thump and rattle of chains. ********* Abito swirled around and faced the small cell door. He had heard the chains rattle, the young one was awake. Picking up the bone bowl filled with some steaming bracio, a local medicinal brew that the slaver had prepared for the boy to warm him up and to help him with his healing wounds. Many of the apothecaries of the city used more modern ways to cure wounds but Abito had always put his faith in the rare plants that he collected in the Slivae Mortuus and they had never let him down. Yet. He slowly walked over to the cell, his big feet making no sound at all. Peaking through the small barred space in the door, he could see the young one shuddering, his face contorted in pain. Abito quickly removed his set of keys from their leather pouch, unlocked the steel door and rushed in. The huge man quickly removed the iron chains, releasing the trembling boy. Making the child sit up, he poured the now lukewarm brew down his throat making him cough and splutter. “Drink, young one! Drink! You will feel better.” Trusting a man he didn’t even know, he started swallowing the bitter and irony tasting liquid. After having drunken it all, he realised the brew was made with blood. His eyes shot open in horror. He tried to spit out the remains of the brew that coated his pallet but his mouth was dry and he was hardly even able to speak. As he looked up, he could see the scarred face of Abito. The slaver was peering down at Angron with the only eye he had left. Curiosity and amazement filled that eye and the young boy thought he could detect a trace of fatherly concern, though he was mistaken. Abito cared not much for the boy, his only goal was to train the young one to become the best gladiator of the city and even the whole planet. He had already seen what the boy had done to those eight creatures, against one techno-gladiator, he had all the chances of winning. Again, a small grin tugged at the sides of his mouth. This young one would be the winner of the next blood-fights, or Pugna Sanguis, he would make sure of that. Part III: (teaser) ******* C&C is, as always, greatly appreciated! :( Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/196299-bitter-and-bloodthirsty/ Share on other sites More sharing options...
Skirax Posted March 29, 2010 Share Posted March 29, 2010 A small teaser for the upcoming story ^_^ ********* Capsule XII, broke the night sky over the Collis Ferreus, leaving a trail of fire across the night sky. Landing in the centre of a petrified forest, throwing up dust and scattering the queer beasts that were there, Capsule XII, buried itself in the ground. A slowly spreading stain of dark amniotic soaked the rock, spreading like blood. The hatch at the top of the capsule swung slowly open. A child, unsteady and inquisitive, tumbled from the hatch. Picking himself up, the boy began to walk. He stopped after a walking a few steps. In front of him stood eight tall and slender figures, all clad in jade green armour with brass symbols, shadowing him. Their blood red eyes peering down at the young male child. The sound of a chainsword could be heard echoing in the eerie silence of the stone forest. Well, I like it, but here's my grammar corrected version: Capsule XII broke the night sky over the Collis Ferreus, leaving a trail of fire across the night sky. Landing in the centre of a petrified forest, throwing up dust and scattering the queer beasts that were there, Capsule XII buried itself in the ground. A slowly spreading stain of dark amniotic soaked the rock, spreading like blood. The hatch at the top of the capsule swung slowly open. A child, unsteady and inquisitive, tumbled from the hatch. Picking himself up, the boy began to walk. He stopped after a walking a few steps. In front of him stood eight tall and slender figures, all clad in jade green armour with brass symbols, shadowing him, their blood red eyes peering down at the young male child. The sound of a chainsword could be heard echoing in the eerie silence of the stone forest. Can you spot the difference? Also, it can be a little unclear at the ending. I don't think that Angron had a chainsword when he came from the Capsule. It's a great start, but could be improved on. Well, we all have to start somewhere, right? I was like you once... Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/196299-bitter-and-bloodthirsty/#findComment-2338446 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dosjetka Posted March 29, 2010 Author Share Posted March 29, 2010 Yes, I see the difference. Aha! I see that you don't know much about Angron! It isn't him that has a chainsword...:P Thanks for the comment! ^_^ Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/196299-bitter-and-bloodthirsty/#findComment-2338457 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dosjetka Posted March 29, 2010 Author Share Posted March 29, 2010 Moved to above. Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/196299-bitter-and-bloodthirsty/#findComment-2338514 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Walter Payton Posted March 29, 2010 Share Posted March 29, 2010 I like it, it is refreshingly different from my story-in The Eagle Ascending, Guilliman doesn't know he is a primarch, and the words are only mentioned at the start. One thing, I believe that Angron was found on a mountaintop, not a forest, though I could be wrong. Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/196299-bitter-and-bloodthirsty/#findComment-2338609 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Skirax Posted March 29, 2010 Share Posted March 29, 2010 This could be a snowy mountain top, covered in trees :huh: What do we know about Desh'ea? :D I like it, a great take on my favourite Primarch after Russ and the Lion. Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/196299-bitter-and-bloodthirsty/#findComment-2338732 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dosjetka Posted March 30, 2010 Author Share Posted March 30, 2010 I like it, it is refreshingly different from my story-in The Eagle Ascending, Guilliman doesn't know he is a primarch, and the words are only mentioned at the start. One thing, I believe that Angron was found on a mountaintop, not a forest, though I could be wrong. Hm…what gives you the impression that he knows that he’s a Primarch? It wasn’t intended for it to seem that he knows so if you could point it out to me, I will go and edit it. Unless you prefer it this way? And, TBH, in my information about Angron, his capsule plummets down into the icy mountains of the planet, yet nothing mentions a mountain top…my information may be wrong too… This could be a snowy mountain top, covered in trees :P What do we know about Desh'ea? :P I like it, a great take on my favourite Primarch after Russ and the Lion. :) Well, as I said above, I didn’t know it was supposed to be a mountain top and so I thought a valley of petrified trees in some very tall, cold and unwelcoming mountains would be OK. Is it not? Desh’ea will come later on. Patience my friend ;) Well, thanks for the nice comments, this has really spurred me to continue writing :P Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/196299-bitter-and-bloodthirsty/#findComment-2339349 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dosjetka Posted March 30, 2010 Author Share Posted March 30, 2010 Moved to above. Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/196299-bitter-and-bloodthirsty/#findComment-2339449 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Skirax Posted March 30, 2010 Share Posted March 30, 2010 This is good, very good :lol: I'm looking forward to the next update :P Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/196299-bitter-and-bloodthirsty/#findComment-2339561 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dosjetka Posted March 30, 2010 Author Share Posted March 30, 2010 Thanks Skirax! :P A small teaser on the upcoming Part III! Enjoy! :lol: ***** The sound of metal weapons clashing was the first he heard after many days in a deep coma. He had had dreams, bloody dreams, dreams of death and destruction. And now the sounds of war had come. War cries, screams of agony, the clash of weapons. He did not want to open his eyes. Fear gripped him. The cold air around him made him shiver. What was this place? Where was he? Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/196299-bitter-and-bloodthirsty/#findComment-2339577 Share on other sites More sharing options...
calgar101 Posted March 30, 2010 Share Posted March 30, 2010 Very good. There are no fluff mistakes that i can see. Although i don't know much of Angrons youth apart from what the WE IA tell us. Well does any one know much anyways? It is a lovely piece of writing, keep up the good work. Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/196299-bitter-and-bloodthirsty/#findComment-2339652 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dosjetka Posted March 30, 2010 Author Share Posted March 30, 2010 No, there isn't much about him...so that's why I chose him. More liberty to let my imagination flow. :huh: Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/196299-bitter-and-bloodthirsty/#findComment-2339660 Share on other sites More sharing options...
calgar101 Posted March 30, 2010 Share Posted March 30, 2010 exactly, we know a few 'land marks' of his life, it is up to you to make the road between these :huh: Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/196299-bitter-and-bloodthirsty/#findComment-2339661 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dosjetka Posted March 30, 2010 Author Share Posted March 30, 2010 exactly, we know a few 'land marks' of his life, it is up to you to make the road between these :) *starts running about, mad with fluff power* :huh: Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/196299-bitter-and-bloodthirsty/#findComment-2339664 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Walter Payton Posted March 30, 2010 Share Posted March 30, 2010 I like it, it is refreshingly different from my story-in The Eagle Ascending, Guilliman doesn't know he is a primarch, and the words are only mentioned at the start. One thing, I believe that Angron was found on a mountaintop, not a forest, though I could be wrong. Hm…what gives you the impression that he knows that he’s a Primarch? It wasn’t intended for it to seem that he knows so if you could point it out to me, I will go and edit it. Unless you prefer it this way? And, TBH, in my information about Angron, his capsule plummets down into the icy mountains of the planet, yet nothing mentions a mountain top…my information may be wrong too… Sorry, what I meant was, in mine, the word primarch is never mentioned, apart from when the story is told from Valdor's POV Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/196299-bitter-and-bloodthirsty/#findComment-2339850 Share on other sites More sharing options...
calgar101 Posted March 30, 2010 Share Posted March 30, 2010 It doesn't matter, we know he is a Primarch any way, whether the words mentioned or not. Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/196299-bitter-and-bloodthirsty/#findComment-2339878 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dosjetka Posted March 30, 2010 Author Share Posted March 30, 2010 @ Brother-Captain Alecto: No worries :lol: It's the difference that makes them unique :D Oh, and when is the next update on yours? I'll try and update soon, just need some inspiration...*rummages through a box, looking for 'inspiration'* Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/196299-bitter-and-bloodthirsty/#findComment-2339920 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Walter Payton Posted March 30, 2010 Share Posted March 30, 2010 Oh, and when is the next update on yours? Now Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/196299-bitter-and-bloodthirsty/#findComment-2340033 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dosjetka Posted March 30, 2010 Author Share Posted March 30, 2010 Oh, and when is the next update on yours? Now Yay! :) *runs off to read the update* Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/196299-bitter-and-bloodthirsty/#findComment-2340064 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dosjetka Posted March 31, 2010 Author Share Posted March 31, 2010 Moved to above. Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/196299-bitter-and-bloodthirsty/#findComment-2341344 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dosjetka Posted April 1, 2010 Author Share Posted April 1, 2010 Is it that bad? :lol: Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/196299-bitter-and-bloodthirsty/#findComment-2342541 Share on other sites More sharing options...
calgar101 Posted April 1, 2010 Share Posted April 1, 2010 That was good my friend! However he seems to be in a lot of pain, even though he is a child he's still stronger than most men. In my opinion he should have maybe broken his chains but not got out of his cell, try and fight his slaver? Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/196299-bitter-and-bloodthirsty/#findComment-2342596 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dosjetka Posted April 1, 2010 Author Share Posted April 1, 2010 I do understand your point, though I'm trying to portray Angron as a boy, maybe stronger than some men, but still a child, and so he has a childish mind and feels the same as a child. The pain is intense as he has not fully healed and the slaver really didn't want him to get away: Angron is his star gladiator to-be. Anyway, thanks for posting :) I'll try and post the Part IV today! ;) Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/196299-bitter-and-bloodthirsty/#findComment-2342625 Share on other sites More sharing options...
space wolf of the 13th Posted April 1, 2010 Share Posted April 1, 2010 This is a great story. the only one problem i see is that the slaver chains Angron in chains the slaver can break. it doesnt seem to be a problem but would the slaver not use something a bit.... more tough considering he found this child in a supposedly cursed forest with the bodies of eight warriors surrounding him. other than that this story is really good Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/196299-bitter-and-bloodthirsty/#findComment-2342634 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dosjetka Posted April 1, 2010 Author Share Posted April 1, 2010 Hm..true, thanks for pointing that out space wolf of the 13th :teehee: I'll edit it but now I have to go! I'll be away for a week now so no updates I'm afraid...:( Bye! :) Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/196299-bitter-and-bloodthirsty/#findComment-2342955 Share on other sites More sharing options...
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