raptor1199 Posted April 2, 2010 Share Posted April 2, 2010 Brother-captain Marcus looked at his land raiders holo screen. 5th company was soon ready to crush enemy line and begin purge of this hive. Marcus then looked at his war gear: his relic blade and lovingly crafted storm bolter, behind him was his command squad ready for war, small flashes filled the land raider as power weapons were turned on and off. As captain turned on his vox-transmitter in his helmet 13 icons appeared, his company and its support. ” Martelius is your battery in position” “Yes it is and the Whirlwinds too are in position” came the reply “Good and what about our air support” “Two thunderhawks and small wing of valkyries are ready to begin attack runs” “And the what about the imperial guard” “They will begin their attack as according to the plan” “Good, For the Emperor” “For the Emperor” came the reply Marcus closed the link, and opened the link to all units “Primarch-Progenitor, to your glory and the glory of him on earth! and as one reply came “for the Emperor and Dorn” As they spoke the merciless barrage from astartle guns begin to hammer the hive and rhino’s begined their relentless advance, soon turbo lasers and punisher cannons joined the attack as air support arrived. As the first rhino arrived to the lines hell broke loose as lascannons and missile launchers started firing, but were fired by spineless cowards who would not hit titan from 10 meters. In response marines exited their rhinos and started cleaning the trenches and bunkers with bolters and chainswords. Marcus started to be frustrated as his brothers were already in battle “Can this metal box go any faster” as response the raider shocked as it begin to move at full speed “were at the lines, get ready” yelled the techmarine, as he spoke the assaut ramp opened. Marcus jumped out of the raider his storm bolter ready and his blade holstered followed by his command squad. As they left the redeemer the ramp closed and the raider moved to support vindicators. Marcus looked around him, the siege was going well, most of the enemy line was destroyed and traitors were on full retreat “Report” “Martelius here,Zero casualties and nothing critical on tanks” “Good, anything new on the guard” “Negative no news on guard” “Lazy bastards,Gues they have job to do” “All troops begin patrols, enemy will soon began counter-attack “ "Roger that" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
raptor1199 Posted April 5, 2010 Author Share Posted April 5, 2010 c&c would be nice :) :( :( Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AL. Posted April 6, 2010 Share Posted April 6, 2010 Lots of information, really gives a feel of the force. I like it. Looking forward to the next installment Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
raptor1199 Posted April 6, 2010 Author Share Posted April 6, 2010 thanks for comment I really appreciate it and btw im bit jealius to you 5 chapters in 4 days and with superior quality :) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
calgar101 Posted April 6, 2010 Share Posted April 6, 2010 Whilst the story and plot looks and feels interesting, there are a lot of silly grammar and spelling mistakes. If you can use a word programme to check for these errors. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
raptor1199 Posted April 6, 2010 Author Share Posted April 6, 2010 i use word and english isnt my first :) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
calgar101 Posted April 6, 2010 Share Posted April 6, 2010 Im not trying be an arse here, they are silly little mistakes. Ones i used to and some times still do :) Just take a little more time writing and checking your work, its worth it in the end. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
raptor1199 Posted April 6, 2010 Author Share Posted April 6, 2010 Marcus was in his temporary command bunker which was placed ironically in place of the traitor high command had been, only two hours have passed since the assaut but still defenses were already rising and the his armored forces were pushing the breach even wider from east flank. Where the counter-attack and something was was wrong here he just could not figure it out, but that was not the primary problem, what was holding the guard as no vox traffic has been since the assaut, was the whole thing a trap? Then he noticed large shadow being cast on him as Martelius walked to him, his servo-arms on his harness were resting on his shoulders. The techmarine was almost head taller than Marcus and he was at least 15 years older than captain “Something troubles you, captain?” “Something is wrong, I can feel it” “Are you sure about that, Brother?” “Yes, and have your guns completed their evac?” “They have been left the field and our servitor units have landed. My comrades will begin fortify the breach,Brother-Sigmund have the left and Brother-Cole has the right flank. I will stay here” Before Marcus could answer vox came to live “Sergeant Nicolai here, traitors have started attacks on all fronts, they are using heavy ordnance to hammer us but we will hold the line and the vindicators are forced to fall back. What you will want us to do captain” “Hold on I am on route to the lines” Then he closed the link and walked out of the bunker, but turned and said to Martelius: “Contact the Fist of Emperor and ask is the guard even coming” “As you wish,brother” Marcus said nothing and left the bunker with his squad. The field was completely different as it was raining both rain and earthshaker rounds and fierce bolter and autogun duel could be heard. He started to run and was at the front faster than usual “Report, sergeant” Nikolai looked surprised that his commander was here so quickly “They are attacking at all fronts and their attacks have been growing in size at alarming rate. Their armored companies have not been spotted but…” his talk was interrupted when traitor baneblade came crashing through several buildings guns blazing followed by several platoons of traitors and it was heading to the command bunker. “Martelius get out of the bunker” Marcus talked to the vox, then the baneblade fired at the bunker completely destroying it “Martelius, no it can’t be! To me my brothers, NO MERCY” he yelled as he draw his blade and started running at the enemy with rage of bezerker, as the first traitor came to his reach he didn’t even use his blade to kill him, instead he ripped him apart limb by limb with his bare hands, next one was cut in half by the ancient blade, then he dodged the melta beam and in response turned and killed whole enemy squad with his merciless storm bolter and so on until Marcus was surrounded by piles of dead but enemy still came, entire front was moving back at the force of the attack and now Marcus was surrounded by horde of orgyrins and the his command squad was too far to help the captain “Martelius” He said, his big brother was now dead on this damm planet they will suffer from that. He sweeped orgyrins from their fleet then he noticed the bone-head,if he killed it will be far easier fight. He brought his blade down as hammer cutting the orgyrin in two and then horizontal sweep two more dead but he was still surrounded by the enemy “Nicolai, use your flamer!” and in response flames covered him. His power armor protected him from deadly kiss from the flames the orgyrins werent so lucky , still burning Marcus turned to see another traitor squad to turn around the corner, the sheer terror was visible from their eyes, and then the burning demi-god charged ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- meanwhile... “Hurry you maggots, there are imperial dogs to kill”yelled traitor sergeant “Why we fight them anyway?” one of the troopers asked Reply came from sergeant’s auto pistol As they turned around the corner there was strange sight: six space marines with blue armor with golden trim “Ah more souls” said the one of them, and then traitors were covered in unnatural flame which burned them to dust Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
raptor1199 Posted April 9, 2010 Author Share Posted April 9, 2010 was it so bad? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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