Wraiths of Darkness

[Grey Hunter Ydalir]

Also, I do think you are slightly overestimating them. If it were so hard, there wouldn't be Chaos marines.

 

I am a little, but you've missed a huge point.

 

Pre-Heresy the Astartes and their primarchs knew nothing about chaos and were not protected against it's insidious influence. The Astartes were in all things superior to mortal men, of course, but they were emotionally and mentally still very much the same as their lesser brethren.

 

The modern Astartes is a psychologically conditioned, hate fueled killing machine who has a mindset comperable to the most fanatical of suicide bombers (not to be topical, but hey) or for a more ancient comparison, crusading knights in the baltics and in the Middle East who viewed anyone not of christian (or catholic) faith to be less than human and would not budge on the view.

 

Fundamentalism is, fundamentally, a dangerous and fanatical mindset. Space Marines are trained virtually from the cradle to be absolute hardcore Imperial, loyalist fundamentalists. Only once you completely destroy their belief system is it possible to influence them to something new.

 

This is not an easy thing to do. Some people simply cannot possibly, ever, comprehend that their view of the world is not the right and proper one, or even the only one.

 

Though I do think that even capturing them in the first place would be a hard enough task. Why wouldn't the loyalist just kill himself, or anyone he could get his hands on? Why wouldn't he just put himself in a self-induced coma?

 

Yes I am really being the epitome of the 'devils advocate' here, but your IA can only improve if it's tested.

[Dark Apostle Thirst]

I didn't say they always succeeded, although I did imply that :tu: I'll clarify that as well.

 

EDIT: Better?

 

The second most common method is that of capture. This is often favored by the Librarians of the Wraiths, who are direct links to the Phantom Lord's will. Those captured are usually taken one at time, bound, and taken to the Thunderhawk. Once aboard the Wraiths vessel, they are held until they are broken and absorbed into the warband. This generally happens to only two or three astartes per conflict, depending on the size of the conflict, and as most conflicts are with loyal or traitor guard, the traditional way of getting recruits brings in far more than this method. This is only compounded by the fact that most Loyalists would rather die than give in, and they often manage to.

 

Also, would you like me to post the motivation section as well?

Edited September 9, 2010 by Dark Apostle Thirst

[Shinzaren]

The most common cause of Chaos Marines, at least in my opinion anyway, is not the breaking of marines. It is the subtle machinations of Chaos slowly working their way into the hearts and minds of Loyalists. They provide something missing. A perfectionist Blood Angel might slowly fall to Slaneesh and his inhumanly perfect aspects. An incredibly warlike and martially proud Space Wolf might slowly turn to Khorne. It's not so much that the Loyalists are suddenly disenfranchised with the Imperium and its workings. Instead Chaos preys on their doubts, weaknesses, ambitions, pride, etc etc. I think it would be really really hard for a Traitor to A.) Capture, and B.) Break a Space Marine.

 

Capture would be the most difficult of the two, especially given the incredibly dangerous nature of Marines. They can and will kill with literally anything. They would do their best to kill as many of their assailants as possible. Subduing one without killing one would be nigh impossible. I would just remove the third option from the list. Much more logical to assume they steal non-Marines and make their own, absorb other Chaos bands/members as they destroy them, or serve as a haven for Renegades fleeing the Imperium. To capture and break a marine without worshiping Chaos would be so hard as to be considered impossible. They wouldn't be able to call on the aspects of Chaos and prey on the weaknesses. That's just my two cents though.

 

Definitely doing a good job sticking with these guys and shaping them. Looking forward to your continued progress.

[Dark Apostle Thirst]

The most common cause of Chaos Marines, at least in my opinion anyway, is not the breaking of marines. It is the subtle machinations of Chaos slowly working their way into the hearts and minds of Loyalists. They provide something missing. A perfectionist Blood Angel might slowly fall to Slaneesh and his inhumanly perfect aspects. An incredibly warlike and martially proud Space Wolf might slowly turn to Khorne. It's not so much that the Loyalists are suddenly disenfranchised with the Imperium and its workings. Instead Chaos preys on their doubts, weaknesses, ambitions, pride, etc etc. I think it would be really really hard for a Traitor to A.) Capture, and B.) Break a Space Marine.

 

Capture would be the most difficult of the two, especially given the incredibly dangerous nature of Marines. They can and will kill with literally anything. They would do their best to kill as many of their assailants as possible. Subduing one without killing one would be nigh impossible. I would just remove the third option from the list. Much more logical to assume they steal non-Marines and make their own, absorb other Chaos bands/members as they destroy them, or serve as a haven for Renegades fleeing the Imperium. To capture and break a marine without worshiping Chaos would be so hard as to be considered impossible. They wouldn't be able to call on the aspects of Chaos and prey on the weaknesses. That's just my two cents though.

 

Definitely doing a good job sticking with these guys and shaping them. Looking forward to your continued progress.

 

I did mention that most of the time this as done by a Librarian? Who can, through various means, incapacitate an astartes? At least, I would hope they could incapacitate an astartes... :D

 

Also, although you're right about how most astartes fall, Chaos doesn't play a role in this warband. I'm hesitant to call them that. Better word than faction, I suppose, but... Unsure what exactly I should call them. But that's off topic.

 

They wouldn't be able to call on the aspects of Chaos, but Chaos doesn't hold monopoly on swaying marines. Well, it does, but Chaos isn't the only power that can do it.

 

I do like the idea of stelaing recruits... and apothecaries ;) We all know what the apothecaries weakness is

[Leonaides]

That depends... What do you think their weakness is? I think it depends, on a case-by-case basis, with variables depending on the marien in question, his experience, age, mental fortitude, exposure to Xenos, whether or not his squad was killed, whether or not he knows this, whether or not you already have a traitor from his own chapter, his chapter and homeworld... To use a RL example - some POWs were emotionally/mentally/physically broken by their experiences of captivity by Japanese Army during WWII, others were not although they were treated the same and experienced the same deprivations. Why did some not break? Because some never do.

[Dark Apostle Thirst]

Well, yeah, and marines are obviously much more likely not to break, which is why most of them try to commit suicide or kill as many as possible before being turned, and most do (well, the Wraiths mainly avoid being killed, but...).

 

Apothecaries, on the other hand, usually have a weakness - they have seen their brothers die so many times, and are burdened by the fact that they cannot save anyone, at least not permenantly. They are also aware that this applies to them as well, and while some apothecaries have made peace with themselves over this a good chunk of the rest are troubled by it.

 

Even if they aren't, they soon will be, because, well, the Wraiths need and have experience in that area.

 

I'll probably limit that to the Librarians though.

 

I plan on expanding on the Librarians and the leaders of the Summonings later, but first, how is the IT as a whole?

[Shinzaren]

Breaking a fanatic doesn't necessarily mean they can be useful. If you destroy everything that a person believes in with all their hearts, it is very possible to destroy them as well. The brain can only handle so much stress before it shuts itself down. If you caused enough mental/spiritual/physical trauma to break an Adeptus Astartes, who says they'd ever be useful again? They might just end up as babbling lunatics unable to even move. The mind is an incredibly complex device, which is why a properly trained/conditioned/resistant mind will snap and be destroyed before it will be changed to something useful. Just because you can break Marines, and I have serious doubts here, doesn't mean that you should. Do you see my issue?

 

I also find your argument that all apothecaries suffer an innate weakness of the soul to be invalid. If anything, constantly serving the chapter in the highest way possible, ie: allowing the dead to live on, would give them a stronger sense of purpose and duty. I think are underestimating the Apothecary's power. I tend to think that their link to the spiritual and rebirth aspects of the Chapter would actually make them more difficult to break, as they would know that if they give in, they doom not only themselves, but all the marines both living and dead who depend on the Apothecary to heal them and take their due back the Chapter. That's just my two cents.

 

This happened earlier with teleportation, and I fear it's happening again now. You are getting overtly attached to an idea that MAY be possible, but not very plausible. I think you should drop the breaking of the Marines as a source of recruitment. Perhaps 1-2 marines get captured as a product of battle, and they ATTEMPT to break them. This is not the same as going out and specifically hoping to capture and turn them. Rather, they fight marines, kill nearly all of them, find a couple who are unconscious from wounds, and then attempt to break them. See the difference? Even then, I would have the success rate be morbidly low, like less than 5 over the entire history of the Warband. Which is still a lot given the strength and tenacity of an Adeptus Astartes.

[Dark Apostle Thirst]

Ok, Shinzaren, I believe you. Although I still think Apothecary idea is viable, I won't go into that until later.

 

If the controversial section is just deleted (a la the slavery section :rolleyes: ) and I add it to the IT, could you guys tell me how the IT is as a whole? It'll probably determine how I add/expand sections depending on what you guys tell me.

 

Even if it is completely faultless, tell me that. Let me know anything you think is slightly off, or is particularily great. Let me know how the added sections are meshing with the IT. I want to know! Anything discussed can only result in making it better, and at the worst, nothing will happen because it was excellent already.

[Shinzaren]

Is the first post completely up-to-date, and fully edited? If so, I will take a good look tomorrow when I wake up. And you know I won't pull any punches ;) I'm asking if it's edited, because I will be looking at spelling, punctuation, grammar, etc, etc. If not, I will just look at content. Though, I don't think I'm the best guy for it haha, since my IA is currently being revamped extremely slowly :)

[Dark Apostle Thirst]

Yes, yes it is completely up to date, if I just add the new recruitment section, which I am doing now...

 

EDIT: It is done.

Edited September 12, 2010 by Dark Apostle Thirst

[Shinzaren]

Ok, so I reread the first post, and I could pretty much just repost my big long section by section I did earlier, as not many of the questions I had then have changed. You've answered some questions, but it looks like most of the sections I commented on earlier haven't changed at all. Edited September 12, 2010 by Shinzaren

[Dark Apostle Thirst]

You mean this one?

 

From there on out, the Wraiths slowly became more seen and recognized by Imperials. The strangeness of this was the fact that their seemed to be no fixed area where they were located; one could not determine where they would be found next. It was theorized that they came from the Emperor's Wraiths, once they became a large enough threat that some Imperial scholars chose to study them.

 

There is no flow to this paragraph. First you are talking about where they are in a location stand point, then suddenly your're bringing up who they used to be. It doesn't flow right, and if you are gonna drop the Emperor's Wraiths on us, you should explain why anyone think that. Right now I am just confused as to who/what the Emperor's Wraiths were/are.

 

To the forces of Chaos they had been there much longer, and were much more potent. The Wraiths had fought a long existence to earn their reputation, and had become known as mercenaries and assassins who could be found anywhere. They had outposts in the Eye of Terror, the Shroud Stars, the Eastern Fringe and several other hives of Chaotic activity. If a leader had the resources, they could buy any number of Wraiths to do any job. There was only one exception to this, and that was the Legions themselves.

 

M.I.S.S. (Me? I'm. So. Super.) Seems like you are already building them into a super force. They are known as potent warriors, even to the millennia old followers of Chaos? Not only that, but are literally found everywhere? How do they maintain discipline and communication across the vast distances that separate them as a whole?

 

The Wraiths of Darkness have records of the Emperor's Wraiths, which they once were. This is not considered their history, but is held their all the same so that they might learn from their own mistakes. Their history began when they fled to the Eye of Terror after the betrayal of an Inquisitorial force, and made their home amongst the other warbands. They started making a name for themselves when they assasinated the leader of a warband, followed by prompt payment from the man who became his successor. The tale travelled quickly, causing several other warband leaders to become more wary, and an equal number of lieutenants to plot their rise to power.

 

Who was betrayed? The Wraiths or the Inquisition? How did they make their home? Did they fight battles to carve out a space? They assassinated the leader of a Warband? Marines are assassins, they are warriors. Assassin speaks to me of a single man, killing a single target, then disappearing without a trace. How did a marine assassinate a Chaos Warlord? How did anyone know the man paid them? Did he tell others? Did they? And no offense, but I doubt your fledgling Chaos band would cause more experienced leaders to suddenly grow more wary. They deal with threats to their power from within or without everyday. Why should your fresh faced warband give them pause at all?

 

The Wraiths used the resources that they were paid to build up their forces. Smaller warbands were absorbed. Other mercenaries were killed. Outposts were set up. Their fame and power grew, until the Black Legion took notice and offered them a chance to join the Black Legion. The Wraiths refused and were attacked, nearly destroyed before they escaped into the Shroud Stars. From there they left, were not seen again for five centuries.

 

How did their fame and power grow? And if they're so famous, why would we just be hearing about them now? Also, the Shroud Stars. Seems like everybody and their mother is hiding here now. I thought this was a place of near constant warp storms, and only those with the means to navigate them could survive. How did they get along with the other factions there? How did they manage to navigate the storms and survive complete and utter destruction?

 

Nine hundred Wraiths in a battle barge and four strike cruisers appeared in the Eye of Terror, and vanished again - something the Black Legion did not claim credit for. It soon became apparent the Wraiths were still existant, and back in their role as mercenaries - their representitives could be found by aspiring warbands all over the galaxy. They were nearly wiped out again several times when the Wraiths overextended their forces and their leader was killed, and so developed a system of two leaders. One would watch and control the flow of Wraiths as well as take care of the other administrative duties, while the other would be the leader on the field as well as the master assassin.

 

If they've nearly been wiped out so many times, it leads me to think they are not so good at their jobs, and would probably diminish the confidence of other warlords who might have hired them. How do they get all over the galaxy? How many ships do they have? Master Assassin and Space Marine just don't fit together. Also, why would they have two leaders? If they are as widespread as you claim, they would seem to need more than that. Afterall, by your own writing they are fighting all over creation and not in one place. Having only one battle leader seems silly and unnecessary.

 

This would have led to confusion amongst the Wraiths themselves, as both were to be refered to as the Spectres of Death. So the master, the one who controlled the deployments of the Wraiths renamed himself as the Phantom Lord. However, this was merely among the Wraiths, as none outside of them even knew of his existence. Thus were many of the major changes to the Wraiths, unseen by those who were not among the warband itself.

 

This paragraph seems unnecessary and wasteful. Take it out and simply explain that one of the Lords was the Phantom Lord and the other was the Spectre of Death. The other stuff is pointless.

 

The Orginization of the Summonings in 49.M38, the Purging of the Deserters in 756.M40, and several other momentous events are held only in the records of the Wraiths, kept a secret to all others. The Wraiths of Darkness must keep their reputation simple but powerful - that of mercenaries and assassins who always get the job done. Millions of astartes have died to protect and project that image of potentcy.

 

What are these things you list with dates? Are they battles? Why should the reader care about them? Again with the assassins thing. Just stick with mercenaries. Millions of Astartes? Whose? Yours? Or Loyalists? Either way, M.I.S.S. Either you've figured out a way to recruit incredible numbers, or you've figured out a way to slaughter Loyalists without apparent trouble.

 

Because of such attention that they have built, they are often requested on the battlefield thus require more astartes. The Phantom Lords have all recognized this problem and have spent nearly ninety percent of all their resources is put into generating new astartes and acclimatize the absorbed warbands into the mindset of the Wraiths of Darkness.

 

How did they absorb so many other warbands? Why hasn't the Black Legion come back for them and finished the job? Why are they so requested? You make it seem like everybody loves these guys and wants them around. What about their enemies? Not only that, but Chaos doesn't play nice with each other. Why doesn't some warband just hire them, and then kill them when the mission is over, thus replacing their coin or losses?

 

This was not an easy task. Many attempts to 'reset' absorbed warbands failed horribly, leaving automatons or berzerkers. Other Phantom Lords have tried to somehow make the geneseed reproduce faster, and degenerated some of it horribly. However, the Wraiths have slowly learned from their mistakes and have begun to grow their numbers to larger than most chapters.

 

Uhh? What? How? Where are they getting their geneseed? Do they steal it? Warbands eke out a meagre existence in the warp, as they are literally the enemies of EVERYONE. How in the world do they manage to get so many recruits? They are engaged in an even more constant war than regular loyalist, who have the tech and expertise of the Imperium, and worlds to recruit from in the event of a big loss. How does your warband have these things?

 

The Wraiths of Darkness currently have 11 'Summonings', but this fluctuates as time passes - at one point the Wraiths had barely half a Summoning, and at another the Wraiths had as much as 15. The strength of a Summoning is around 140 Wraiths, but this too varies to the taste of the ruling Summoner. Many have prefered to have them, they're chosen bodyguard, and a few squads with a secondary command as the entirety of their Summoning.

 

M.I.S.S. Too many. Way to many for a Chaos warband. As said earlier, they are constantly fighting, being hounded by everyone in the galaxy. How do they get so many numbers? Either your guys are superhuman above superhuman and thus suffer no losses, or you have an endless stream of recruits, equipment, and geneseed; none of which Chaos has.

 

Unlike most other warbands, the Wraiths select those worthy of command into place and execute those who kill for their position. This ensures that the Wraiths do not become disorganized and ineffeceint, and are instead well organized and extremely potent.

 

The general rule of the Chaos is that the strong rule. Why are they suddenly rule abiding followers? Extremely potent. There you go again. Reeks of M.I.S.S. to me.

 

The Wraiths relationship with their slaves is a curious one, in the sense that it is not of brutality or even servitude. The humans who work on the Wraiths missing fleet have never seen a Wraith of Darkness beyond when they were first brought to the ship they serve on. To an outsider, it would seem odd that this would not lead to rebellion. But the new slaves quickly learn not to entertain thoughts of rising against the Wraiths, as those who stop working in mockeries of protests or attempt to incense their fellow slaves against the Wraiths are found piece by piece... limb by limb. The head is always found last, in the throes of absolute agony and terror.

 

You have an extremely odd view of what constants both slavery, and brutality. If I get captured, I'm a slave. If I can't leave, I'm a slave. If my brother and I try to break out, and I find out he was killed piece by piece with his head being preserved in terrible torture, I'm a slave to BRUTAL MASTERS. This entire paragraph is one giant contradiction.

 

I like the concept, but I haven't really learned anything about them, except that they are mercenaries, who want to be assassins. I've also learned that they are apparently the best mercenaries in the Warp, and that they have found a way to replenish their numbers and stay extremely strong. Flesh out more of what they are and what they do. Don't cryptically mention events, or who they once were. All that does is make the reader scratch their head and go, "Wait, what? Where did that come from?" Tone down descriptions of their potency, and reduce their numbers a bit. Also, your writing and editing need a bit of work, as well as spelling. Those are minor things to the story itself though.

[Shinzaren]

Yeah. You've fixed some of the issues, like how they have so much power in theory, but it's mostly a facade, and the slavery, and the issue with recruitment, but there are still enough other things there that I mentioned that haven't been touched. Which is fine haha, my concerns are just my point of view, and aren't anything that make or break an IA. I'd just like to see some of the questions I raised in that post be answered, before I comment on the IA as it is now and make the same remarks.

[Dark Apostle Thirst]

I'll go over that again later... if you have any other comments, please post those as well.

 

The above applies to everyone, including Ydalir, Ace, Octavulg, Silver Phoenix, Leonides, and whoever else ahppens to be watching this thread. If you have a problem with a section, or you think one part is mysterious/nosensical, let me know, I'll do what I can to fix it. Again, the worst thing that can happen is that it will stay the same, and then there's no harm done.

[Dark Apostle Thirst]

I've thought about the things mentioned, and if they need fixing, I'll fix them when I start expanding the various sections.

[The Normish]

Keep in mind that I'm just reading the first post and commenting here. If you've already addressed some of these points, then forgive me.

 

The introductory sentence seems awkward. Actually, the who,e introduction is. Perhaps you could provide some background on the raid itself, so that people don't feel lost to start with?

What was this Inquistorial betrayal? It sound interesting.

I like the dual-leadership idea. An administrator and a warrior. Makes sense for a Mercenary organization to split the two, in case the head dies, the whole snake won't just flop off and die.

Ah, so they do not believe the Emperor to even be a person? Interesting for people who believe in the existence of Chaos. So I assume they turnedaway from the Imperium because they felt they were serving a machine rather than an actual Emperor?

Otherwise, I think it needs to be fluffed out, and you should probably add a bit more History.

 

Wait... I think I realized that the first post is not the latest version. Um... Could you direct me to the newest one? I don't really want to skim through 11 pages of text to find which version you're going to be using. Sorry about that.

[Dark Apostle Thirst]

But, the first post is updated... The content of the posts on the first page immediately after that, not so much, but the first post is updated.

[Dark Apostle Thirst]

With these images, I wanted to show you my image for the Wraiths - the one that is inconstant, based merely on the whimsy of the collector. The Wraiths are highly independent, for they must be, but all are connected by an image that varies in even it's form - that of the Jagged Black Blade.

 

Notice I 'faded' the iconagraphy, considering that they would wear none besides the Jagged Black Blade, and I can't remove them any other way.

 

A typical scout of the 5th Summoning, the Taintless -

http://www.bolterandchainsword.com/sct.php?b62c=@hFQiM_holsehqs68hOttmhok9i@@@@@@__@holso@@@@@__@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@iakk7&

 

A standard Wraith of the Second Summoning, the Blades -

http://www.bolterandchainsword.com/sm.php?b62c=@h82M0_hOfW4.hCpLF@@@@@@_hPSQR@hriEh@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@_@_@@@@._@@@._hqtDthrQWM@@@@@_@@@@@@@hriA8iakk7&

 

Finally, a veteran of the Seventh Summoning, the Peerless -

Edited September 18, 2010 by Dark Apostle Thirst

[cheeseychaoslord]

Could you show us a Marine from one of Last Three Companys?

[The Normish]

But, the first post is updated... The content of the posts on the first page immediately after that, not so much, but the first post is updated.

Oh, sorry. I just looked at some of the more recent things, and it mentioned slaves and things, so I wasn't sure if I was reading the right version...

 

So, my comments still stand:

 

The introductory sentence seems awkward. Actually, the whole introduction is. Perhaps you could provide some background on the raid itself, so that people don't feel lost to start with?

What was this Inquistorial betrayal? It sound interesting.

I like the dual-leadership idea. An administrator and a warrior. Makes sense for a Mercenary organization to split the two, in case the head dies, the whole snake won't just flop off and die.

Ah, so they do not believe the Emperor to even be a person? Interesting for people who believe in the existence of Chaos. So I assume they turned away from the Imperium because they felt they were serving a machine rather than an actual Emperor?

Otherwise, I think it needs to be fluffed out, and you should probably add a bit more History.

[Dark Apostle Thirst]

Could you show us a Marine from one of Last Three Companys?

 

I may have failed to explain this, and if so, I apoligize, but there is no set number of Summonings. There isn't any set color schemes, either, those were just examples. They change to the whims of the leaders of the Summonings, and they often change.

 

It's designed for maximum flexibility on the collector's part, in keeping with the hallmark of Chaos.

 

But, the first post is updated... The content of the posts on the first page immediately after that, not so much, but the first post is updated.

Oh, sorry. I just looked at some of the more recent things, and it mentioned slaves and things, so I wasn't sure if I was reading the right version...

 

So, my comments still stand:

 

The introductory sentence seems awkward. Actually, the whole introduction is. Perhaps you could provide some background on the raid itself, so that people don't feel lost to start with?

What was this Inquistorial betrayal? It sound interesting.

I like the dual-leadership idea. An administrator and a warrior. Makes sense for a Mercenary organization to split the two, in case the head dies, the whole snake won't just flop off and die.

Ah, so they do not believe the Emperor to even be a person? Interesting for people who believe in the existence of Chaos. So I assume they turned away from the Imperium because they felt they were serving a machine rather than an actual Emperor?

Otherwise, I think it needs to be fluffed out, and you should probably add a bit more History.

 

 

I'll take a look and improve on what you've mentioned.

[Dark Apostle Thirst]

The introductory sentence seems awkward. Actually, the whole introduction is. Perhaps you could provide some background on the raid itself, so that people don't feel lost to start with?

Rewrote it, is it better now?

 

What was this Inquistorial betrayal? It sound interesting.

 

Actually, it was... but ultimately the details are irrevelant to the IT.

 

I like the dual-leadership idea. An administrator and a warrior. Makes sense for a Mercenary organization to split the two, in case the head dies, the whole snake won't just flop off and die.

 

Yeah, that was kinda the point, wasn't it? :P

 

Ah, so they do not believe the Emperor to even be a person? Interesting for people who believe in the existence of Chaos. So I assume they turned away from the Imperium because they felt they were serving a machine rather than an actual Emperor?

 

It was a post-betrayal belief, actually, because they stopped believing in the Emperor but needed something to explain the Astrominicon's light so they figured it was just a piece of lost tech. If you want me to throw that in there, that's fine, but I didn't think it was really nesassary (sp?) for the IT.

 

Before you ask why I would put that in and not the flight from the Inquisition, the flight would probably distract from the Wraiths as they are now, and therefore detract from the IT as a whole.

 

Otherwise, I think it needs to be fluffed out, and you should probably add a bit more History.

I'm planning on adding more history later, just not sure what.

[The Normish]

The introductory sentence seems awkward. Actually, the whole introduction is. Perhaps you could provide some background on the raid itself, so that people don't feel lost to start with?

Rewrote it, is it better now?

Yeah, that's better.

What was this Inquistorial betrayal? It sound interesting.

Actually, it was... but ultimately the details are irrevelant to the IT.

Hmmm. so it had nothign to do with why they became mercenaries? If the betrayal is what led to split from the Imperium, that sounds pretty important to me. But, then again, do what you will.

Ah, so they do not believe the Emperor to even be a person? Interesting for people who believe in the existence of Chaos. So I assume they turned away from the Imperium because they felt they were serving a machine rather than an actual Emperor?

It was a post-betrayal belief, actually, because they stopped believing in the Emperor but needed something to explain the Astrominicon's light so they figured it was just a piece of lost tech. If you want me to throw that in there, that's fine, but I didn't think it was really nesassary (sp?) for the IT.

Necessary, just do you know in the future. And it's Astronomicon, I think (don't worry though, I used to write Necronemonicon, even though it was Necronomicon). Makes sense, they sort of think that the whole dogma of the Imperium is a lie.

 

As for History, you could detail some major battles, some leadership struggles or some such, some interesting expeditions, and important characters.

[Dark Apostle Thirst]

Hmmm. so it had nothign to do with why they became mercenaries? If the betrayal is what led to split from the Imperium, that sounds pretty important to me. But, then again, do what you will.

 

Necessary, just do you know in the future. And it's Astronomicon, I think (don't worry though, I used to write Necronemonicon, even though it was Necronomicon). Makes sense, they sort of think that the whole dogma of the Imperium is a lie.

 

As for History, you could detail some major battles, some leadership struggles or some such, some interesting expeditions, and important characters.

'shrugs' They split. It doesn't really add to the IT, and the way I write it would more likely detract.

 

Thanks for the (sp) tips, blasted english language.

 

I could detail the Age of Heresy... I might have done that already though.

[Dark Apostle Thirst]

Same thing as the Sons of the Daemon.