Redeeming Storm

[sonofwaranddeath]

Story to be reposted soon.

[Ufthak]

Very nicely written :) I can see the scenes described with my mind's eye, and that's proof to me that it's GOOD!

 

Would be nice to hear a bit more about the heretics, what they look like, why they turned heretic, whether they turned to a particular Chaos God or are just rebels...that sort of thing.

 

I really like it that many of the Angels Sanguine seem to be Italians, judging by the names :)

 

Keep it up! Looking forward to more :P

[sonofwaranddeath]

Very nicely written :) I can see the scenes described with my mind's eye, and that's proof to me that it's GOOD!

 

Would be nice to hear a bit more about the heretics, what they look like, why they turned heretic, whether they turned to a particular Chaos God or are just rebels...that sort of thing.

 

I really like it that many of the Angels Sanguine seem to be Italians, judging by the names :)

 

Keep it up! Looking forward to more :P

 

 

 

Thank you sir! Yes, I thought about it after I published it that I need to do a bit of explaining about the Heretics, the Galileo Sector and the reasons for this crusade! :P I will hopefully get a start on it today if I can. More to come soon! ;)

[Ufthak]

C'mon man, update, I want more! ;)

[sonofwaranddeath]

C'mon man, update, I want more! ;)

 

 

Haha, working on a the backdrop for the story at the moment. Just taking a break and checking forums, email, etc.. Will have it posted tonight, I promise! :D

[sonofwaranddeath]

Story to be reposted soon.

[Ufthak]

Hey sonofwaranddeath!

 

Righty...I think there are pros as well as cons to your latest section:

 

Cons first:

I dunno...considering an Inquisitor wrote/said that, I feel there's something not right about it. I think it lacks that "wrath of the almighty Emperor"-edge, that "fight or you're all gonna die"-feeling. I think an Inquisitor would be extremely eloquent yet also intimidating and above all grim, and that text isn't.

Also, assuming the Scourge are a heretical Space Marine Chapter, I have my strong doubts whether they would be capable of launching anything near as massive and steamrolling as the 13th Black Crusade, especially considering the fact it took Abby 10,000 years to unite all the 9 original Legions under his banner and get it right. I guess you can let your Chaos warband be a grave threat numbering billions of enemies, but nothing compared to Abby's Crusade. Also, keep it chronological: your story is dated 940M41, but Abby only started his Crusade 999M41.

Additionally: you say that the above text is broadcast throughout the Imperium. Sorry buddy, but fluff says that 99% of Imperial citizens haven't the foggiest what Chaos is, that daemons exist, that the Horus Heresy happened, that Chaos Space Marines exist, indeed, most don't even know what's going on beyond their homeworld. And the Inquisition does EVERYTHING it can to play down the Imperium's problems, lie to it's citizens, and keep the dark powers a secret, because knowledge would drive the ordinary people insane and imply that the Imperial Upper caste is doing something wrong, thereby instigating further rebellion. So it wouldn't exactly be in the Inquisition's interest to issue a broadcast throughout the Imperium which says: "Thousands of worlds have fallen to traitor Space Marines in league with daemons and other heretics, and we're all at the brink of destruction."

That apart, my guesses are that in such a vast Galaxy it would be pretty much impossible to broadcast the text throughout the Imperium anyway, especially considering the problems of Warp travel and Astropathy. If an entire system falls into traitor hands, then I guess the High Lords of Terra and the Inquisition quietly contact as many Astartes and Sororitas Chapters as possible, promote some guv to Warmaster, fill him in on the situation, give him a bajillion Imperial Guardsmen who have absolutely no idea what's going on, and send everyone on a Crusade without anyone beyond the sector knowing about it.

 

My suggestion for improvement: scrap the broadcast thing and let the text be a message from a local Inquisitor to the Inquisition on Terra, explaining the situation and requesting support to drive out the heretics. And give the text an awesome and dark edge to it :wallbash:

 

That was a lot, hope I didn't put you off writing. It's really just a lot of small details that need modifying, nothing you can't do easily ;)

 

 

 

 

And now the pros:

The background is good :) It provides ample room for many different characters and organizations: you can include Titan Legions, Sisters of Battle, Daemons and much more, which is great. Also, the fact that it is a massive sector with thousands of worlds allows you to choose many different battlefields - urban warfare, trench warfare, jungle warfare, desert warfare, underground/underwater warfare, etc. - looking forward to that!

I also like the fact that the Scourge may be in league with Abby, allows you to potentially use Chaos forces engaged in the 13th Black Crusade and gives everything a bit of an edge - "the heretical conspiracy against the Imperium!"

I'm also intrigued what the "being of great power" is :) So keep it up!

 

Conclusion: In need of minor modification, but A LOT of potential ;)

[sonofwaranddeath]

Hey sonofwaranddeath!

 

Righty...I think there are pros as well as cons to your latest section:

 

Cons first:

I dunno...considering an Inquisitor wrote/said that, I feel there's something not right about it. I think it lacks that "wrath of the almighty Emperor"-edge, that "fight or you're all gonna die"-feeling. I think an Inquisitor would be extremely eloquent yet also intimidating and above all grim, and that text isn't.

Also, assuming the Scourge are a heretical Space Marine Chapter, I have my strong doubts whether they would be capable of launching anything near as massive and steamrolling as the 13th Black Crusade, especially considering the fact it took Abby 10,000 years to unite all the 9 original Legions under his banner and get it right. I guess you can let your Chaos warband be a grave threat numbering billions of enemies, but nothing compared to Abby's Crusade. Also, keep it chronological: your story is dated 940M41, but Abby only started his Crusade 999M41.

Additionally: you say that the above text is broadcast throughout the Imperium. Sorry buddy, but fluff says that 99% of Imperial citizens haven't the foggiest what Chaos is, that daemons exist, that the Horus Heresy happened, that Chaos Space Marines exist, indeed, most don't even know what's going on beyond their homeworld. And the Inquisition does EVERYTHING it can to play down the Imperium's problems, lie to it's citizens, and keep the dark powers a secret, because knowledge would drive the ordinary people insane and imply that the Imperial Upper caste is doing something wrong, thereby instigating further rebellion. So it wouldn't exactly be in the Inquisition's interest to issue a broadcast throughout the Imperium which says: "Thousands of worlds have fallen to traitor Space Marines in league with daemons and other heretics, and we're all at the brink of destruction."

That apart, my guesses are that in such a vast Galaxy it would be pretty much impossible to broadcast the text throughout the Imperium anyway, especially considering the problems of Warp travel and Astropathy. If an entire system falls into traitor hands, then I guess the High Lords of Terra and the Inquisition quietly contact as many Astartes and Sororitas Chapters as possible, promote some guv to Warmaster, fill him in on the situation, give him a bajillion Imperial Guardsmen who have absolutely no idea what's going on, and send everyone on a Crusade without anyone beyond the sector knowing about it.

 

My suggestion for improvement: scrap the broadcast thing and let the text be a message from a local Inquisitor to the Inquisition on Terra, explaining the situation and requesting support to drive out the heretics. And give the text an awesome and dark edge to it :)

 

That was a lot, hope I didn't put you off writing. It's really just a lot of small details that need modifying, nothing you can't do easily ;)

 

 

 

 

And now the pros:

The background is good :) It provides ample room for many different characters and organizations: you can include Titan Legions, Sisters of Battle, Daemons and much more, which is great. Also, the fact that it is a massive sector with thousands of worlds allows you to choose many different battlefields - urban warfare, trench warfare, jungle warfare, desert warfare, underground/underwater warfare, etc. - looking forward to that!

I also like the fact that the Scourge may be in league with Abby, allows you to potentially use Chaos forces engaged in the 13th Black Crusade and gives everything a bit of an edge - "the heretical conspiracy against the Imperium!"

I'm also intrigued what the "being of great power" is :) So keep it up!

 

Conclusion: In need of minor modification, but A LOT of potential ;)

 

 

:D DOPE! I knew I forgot something! The Scourge is supposed to be more of a collective noun for all of the Heretics (chaos SM and renegade guardsmen/daemons) Sorry about the confusion lol! I do realise that it would be impossible for that many chaos SM to form up, and it not be one of Abby's Black Crusades lol. Yeah, I probably should have looked for a time line. I just threw the first couple numbers down in front of M41. Changes will be made later today, and hopefully the first part of chapter 1 posted! Thanks Ufthak!

 

Any and all comments and critiques still welcome!

 

EDIT:: Ok, edit's have been made. I chose to leave out a date for the moment, as I don't know where in the 40K timline I want to drop this. Attempted to make it feel a little more Inquisitorial, and made it a direct message to Terra.

[sonofwaranddeath]

Story to be reposted soon.

[Ufthak]

First of all:

The corrected text is way better, well done! ;)

 

Secondly:

Chapter 1, Part 1 is great! :D Really like it. You describe the Scourge well, I can picture them well (and in my head I've already gone over a few ideas how you could convert Imperial Guard to the Scourge on the tabletop :P ). They also appear quite realistic: treachorous PDF troops, without too many chaosy mutations and the like, armed and equipped with Imperial standard stuff. Very good!

You also manage to describe the city and the fight well, can see it in my mind's eye...a good thing :)

 

Only crits I have are a few spelling/typing mistakes, you might want to go over the text again.

"Flack" is in fact correctly written as "Flak" - it's short for German "Fliegerabwehr-Kanone", literally meaning "aircraft defence canon/gun". It is used in english, just lose the "c" ;)

 

Looking forward to the next part!

[sonofwaranddeath]

Thanks Ufthak! Sometimes I find myself rushing at points in the story, and then I feel that I haven't fully described a scene ya know? Glad to hear you can picture it :pinch:

[Imperialis_Dominatus]

Some critiques on style:

 

You have a lot of paragraphs that run on that could be split up. For example, early on you describe the main character, the Captain, fighting down a trench with the Sergeant. Then in the same paragraph, you describe their bond. This could be split up for easier reading. In the last paragraph of the second part this is particularly evident, along with a massive number of sentences starting with 'they.' This is repetitive and makes it less exciting to read by half.

 

I see some potential for this. Dialogue is solid, good pacing (though I find the battle detached as there isn't a lot of detail). Would like to see more.

 

EDIT: Would also be interested in your rationale for the Angels Sanguines' tendency to remain hooded/masked/helmeted at all times, as well as any other details that make the Chapter what it is in your view. Basically, add in more of the Blood Angel-y bits that they would have as Successors- right now I'm not seeing a lot of that- and what makes them more than simply Blood Angels of a different color. I find geneseed and doctrine is what differentiates the Marines in your story from Ultramarines (or Black Legion, from the renegade side).

 

For example, a character of mine started out as a Raptor Chaos Lord, and that was enough to get some story concepts down. But as I started developing him I decided he was going to be originally of the World Eaters Legion. However, as canonically the Raptors consider themselves an elite brethren outside Legion structures, he was also going to be in some ways detached from that heritage. Therefore I write that character as always struggling to control his rage, as he sees that as the downfall that befell his Legion, and as a supremely arrogant commander as befits a Raptor.

[Ufthak]

When will the story continue? ;)

[sonofwaranddeath]

Alas, my computer has fallen sick to the plague! No, seriously, my computer got messed up. That....and I have been distracted by Imperial Guard :P Will keep working on this as much as I can as I promised I would! Next Update will be this week, then next week I will be on vacation! ;)

[Ufthak]

Hey sonofswordanddeath!

 

Still on vacation? Would like to hear the continuation of the story! ;)

[Ufthak]

Hope you enjoyed it! Hopefully this one I will keep updating! Sorry for not continuing with the last one, sorta lost all train of thought about where I was going with it. But this one I have a pretty good idea how it will be.

 

Ahem...

[sonofwaranddeath]

Story to be reposted soon.

[Ufthak]

Nice B) Keep it up!!!