Defence of Forge Tarl

[Custodian Athiair]

Ok it starts with guardsmen, but please don't shut it, becuase it will include Marines more than guardsmen later on. do trust me :P

 

and please post after you have read, because it keeps me interested in my story, and it shows that people actually think my story is worthy of this great forum. And i am willing to listen to tips about how it could be better. thank you in advance for you comments

 

anyway without further ado here is the first chapter:

 

 

 

Captain Price paced through the cramped streets of Forge Tarl, the vast metal buildings, or at least, what seemed to be buildings, attempted to crush him under their incalculable weight. His boltgun hung at his side as he walked through the machines; the air hung thick with smoke. Price wondered why he and his regiment has been assigned to this desolate world. Tarl; an empty planet, consisting of black obsidian plains, and rivers of magma. The entire planet was useless, except for the solitary Forge city, one of the main forges that fed the insatiable war machine on the front line of the Eye of Terror. Price kept walking through the endless complex that was Forge Tarl; nothing happened here

“Why are we here?” Price spoke to the cloud clogged sky. His shortly cropped hair had become thick with ash and grease in the time he had been stationed on this planet. But who was he to question the decisions of the Primus, the leader of his regiment? hence his mornings excursion to the outer defenses of the forge.

 

He walked on through the seemingly infinite steel streets. Price pulled his locater system out; confusion and de ja vu had begun to set in. He entered in the co-ordinates of his regiment's headquarters and the system flashed to life for a brief second before washing out and turning the screen into a flood of static. Price groaned in frustration and shoved the broken device into his pocket with a hiss of frustration before carrying on along the path. He desperately scanned the sky for any sign of familiarity. All he saw were scores of buildings rising into the thick cloud line.

“How can anyone work here?” he wondered as he paced through the gloom. The sun was setting on the forge, but he wouldn't notice it for long as the forge's generators would kick in and illuminate the entire complex.

 

Suddenly a large explosion ripped through one of the buildings above Price, showering him in debris. A lonesome figure leaped out after the explosion and rolled onto the ground, leapt up and ran through the streets. Price erupted from the pile of debris covering him

“What in Onyx's name?” He sprinted after the fleeing man. He kept his eyes focused on his target, the light was fading and the generators were yet to kick in in this section of the city.

“Oi! What just happened, wait or I'll make you!” he yelled. The man was limping through the streets; the fall had obviously injured him. Price kept his pace and gradually closed the distance. As Price closed the gap to about 30 yards he reached for his trusty boltgun, halted, brought his gun to his shoulder, aimed and squeezed the trigger unleashing one deadly round. The bolt flew through the air and blasted through the mans left hip, tearing his leg from his body in a shower of red mist.

 

The man collapsed in a heap of pain and blood.

“I warned you,” muttered Price. He tried to drag himself onwards; futilely trying to escape Price. Price let his weapon swing his to his side as he walked towards the man. He slowly drew his knife from his sheath and knelt down next to the man, and put the cold metal edge on the man's throat.

“I will push this straight through your throat right now, if you don't tell me what you just did!”

“Ha, you have no idea what will happen. I have done but one thing” spat the man. Price then spotted a tiny insignia on the man’s throat. A small tattoo of an 8 point star.

“Heretic!” cursed Price, “May the Emperor save your soul!”

The man spat bloody phlegm in price's face “Iron Within!” proclaimed the heretic. Price plunged the tip of his knife through the man’s throat and twisted, blood bubbling round the matte blade, severing the wind-pipe and snapping the vertebrae in one swift motion. Price then noticed a warm blue glow emanating from his pocket; he reached in and withdrew the locater system. It was functional.

“What?” Price was confused. Then he spotted the small jamming system held in the man's hand, as it winked out of life, small fragments of bone embedded in it. Something wasn't right. Then he noticed it, the lights were still out , they should have turned on by now. Price leapt up, and ran back to the headquarters, something bad was going to happen, but just what that was Price was still unsure.

 

 

 

enjoy

 

Athiair :lol:

 

ps/edit: sorry it's short it looks longer in Word (it's over a page :/ ), i will add more this evening possibly for this chapter

 

edit 2: re-done store with filling in missing aspects and Skirax's re-writing

[Ufthak]

Hey Custodian Athiair!

 

Well, first off:

CAPTAIN PRICE??? Hahahaha, laughed my head off there...let me guess, he has a moustache, likes smoking large lho-sticks, always wears a hat, never misses his mark and is an elderly veteran. You played Cod4 or MW2 by any chance? ;)

 

Generally, I really like the story so far, the way you describe things definitely generates a certain feeling and provides the mind's eye with pictures. Good, work, keep it up!!! :)

 

I have a question though...what the hell is a Captain doing wandering around the Forge all on his own? Is his Company dead? Surely an officer would be accompanied by his men...

 

Oh, and one small crit: you might want to re-read the story again and remove the mistakes, there are a few.

 

Looking forward to the next Chapter! :)

[Captain Juan Juarez]

Well, first off:

CAPTAIN PRICE??? Hahahaha, laughed my head off there...let me guess, he has a moustache, likes smoking large lho-sticks, always wears a hat, never misses his mark and is an elderly veteran. You played Cod4 or MW2 by any chance? :)

 

My first thought too... As I've been playing MW2 on Live this morning :)

[Custodian Athiair]

yes i did feel like adding the bit of humour in :).

and could you please point out the missing spellings etc. if you can remember what they are next time (sorry to sound annoying it makes my life easier)

and sorry i will add that edit in about why he is walking around on his own. i'll add that later when i find a bit of time this evening.

 

thank you

 

Athiair :)

[Skirax]

Well Athiair, I thought I'd repost the story for you to show you where you went wrong :) Don't take it the wrong way, it's meant constructively.

 

Captain Price paced around the cramped streets of Forge Tarl, the huge metal buildings, or what seemed to be buildings, attempted to crush him under their humongous weight. His boltgun hung at his side as he walked through the machines; the air hung thick with smoke. Price wondered why he and his regiment has been assigned to this desolate world. Tarl; an empty plant, consisting of black obsidian plains, and rivers of magma. The entire planet was useless, except for the solitary Forge city, one of the main forges that fueled the front line at the Eye of Terror. Price kept walking through the endless complex that was Forge Tarl; nothing happened on Tarl.

“Why are we here?” Price spoke to the cloud clogged sky. His shortly cropped hair had become thick with ash and grease in the time he had been stationed on this planet. But who was he to interfere with the decisions on the Primus, the leader of his regiment.

 

He walked on endless miles of steel streets. Price pulled his locater system out; confusion and de ja vu had begun to set in. He entered in the co-ordinates of his regiment's headquarters and the system flashed to life for a brief second before washing out and turning the screen into a flood of static. Price groaned in frustration and forcefully shoved the broken device into his pocket and carried on walking up the path. He was on desperately scanning the sky for any sign of familiarity. All he saw was scores of buildings raising into the thick cloud line.

“How can anyone work here?” he wondered as he wandered through the gloom. The sun was setting on the forge, but he wouldn't notice it for long as the forge's generators would kick in and illuminate the entire complex.

 

Suddenly a large explosion ripped through one of the buildings above Price, showering him in debris. Then a lonesome figure leaped out after the explosion and rolled onto the ground, leapt up and ran through the streets. Price erupted from the pile of debris covering him and ran after him. He kept his eyes focused on the fleeing man, the light was fading and the generators were yet to kick in in this section of the city. The man was limping through the streets; the fall had obviously injured him. Price kept his pace and gradually closed the distance. As Price closed the gap to about 30 yards he reached for his trusty boltgun, halted, brought his gun to his shoulder, aimed and squeezed the trigger unleashing one deadly round. The bolt flew through the air and blasted through the mans left hip and tore his leg from his body.

 

The man collapsed in a heap of pain and blood. He tried to drag himself onwards; futilely trying to escape Price. Price let his weapon swing his to his side as he walked towards the man. He slowly drew his knife from his sheath and knelt down next to the man, and put the cold metal edge on the man's throat.

“I will push this straight through your throat right now, if you don't tell me what you just did!”

“Ha, you have no idea what will happen. I have done but one thing” spat the man. Price then spotted a tiny insignia on the man’s throat. A small tattoo of an 8 point star.

“Heretic!” cursed Price, “May the Emperor save your soul!”

“Iron Within!” proclaimed the heretic. Price plunged the tip of his matte knife through the man’s throat and twisted, severing the wind-pipe and snapping the vertebrae in one swift motion. Price then noticed a warm blue glow emanating from his pocket; he reached in and withdrew the locater system. It was functional.

“What?” Price was confused. Then he spotted the small jamming system held in the man's hand, as it winked out of life with fragments of bone embedded in it. Something wasn't right. Then he noticed it, the lights were out still, they should have turned on by now. Price leapt up, and ran back to the headquarters, something bad was going to happen, but what Price was still unsure.

 

There we go. By the way, try not to repeat Price too much, and don't put exclamation marks in sentences unless it's part of the character's thoughts or speech.

 

Hope I helped :)

Skirax

[Custodian Athiair]

thank you Skirax, you've been the biggest help for me so far in this forum (especially with my last thread). thank you it does run together better. do you mind if i copy that and replace it in the first post? along with my updates? for my first chapter.

 

thanks a lot :( i will do the updates soon. thanks

 

Athiair :P

[raptor1199]

just one thing:

 

it seems weard that some random heretic goes around yelling iron warriors battle cry

its nearly stupid as heretic yelling "all is dust"

 

other than that it looks good and it is super that iw will be in it :tu:

[Ufthak]

Oh, forgot to mention one thing:

 

It seems a little strange for Price to immediately shoot the guy, when, for all he knows, the guy might be a civilian or a servant of the Emperor. And if Price meant only to shoot and wound, then he probably wouldn't use a bolter (large-calibre explosive ammo is the thing to use to reduce enemies to lumps of cooked meat, not to wound them in the leg - so either Price is such a perfect shot (as in the game ;) ) or he just got lucky)

[Custodian Athiair]

he is meant to be a good shot. sorry i will add extra stuff in right now using Skirax's re formed chapter. it will all be in the first post. so just check it out there ;)

 

i hope to have another one up by the end on monday, hopefully sooner

 

Athiair ;)

[Skirax]

Whoo! Don't forget, feel free to PM if you ever need guidance, young grasshopper :D

[Custodian Athiair]

sorry for the wait guys i have been swamped with DofE, and other school work this whole week. I hope to write some this evening if i have time. But i probably wont be able to finish the whole next section as i would like. i will try and get the section done by Friday.

the annoying thing is, i have generally free lunchtimes at school but my document is an OpenOffice file and my school runs on windows so i have to get it into a word document.

which i hope to do tonight, when i write some more :D

and then when i have some time at school, eg raining (you know british summer) i will do some. and get some more praise from you lovely chaps and chapesses here at the B+C

 

thanks for you patience. just wait a few more days. sorry again guys, hope you havn't lost interest

 

Athiair

[Custodian Athiair]

ok i've done a bit of the next chapter, quite a lot and i want to post it up. i will add a bit more by friday. not sure whether to edit it in or re post the whole chapter (hints on this if possible :))

but heres the follow on :) :

 

 

 

Price ran through the darkened streets, holding the locator system infront of him. Carefully managing his breathing as he charged through the streets. Then out of know where several crimson red bolts flashed from the dark, impacting on the floor behind him. Price spun on his heel and unleashed a storm of shells into the building, the bark of his bolter was replied with an eruption of loud yells of pain. He released the boltgun and it swung on the strap as he set of again, dashing away from his enemies. A quick glance at the heart-beat monitor on his wrist suggested that there was still heretics in the vicinity. Suddenly a larger bolt flew through the air, and burned into the back of his leg. Price yelled in pain as his skin burned. Price stepped right and ducked into a roll, just before a second bolt cracked through the air aimed directly where his head had been.

 

Price rolled through the dive and re-gathered his steps and broke back into a run. Then he saw another red cluster building to his left. He collapsed to the floor and slipped his auto-pistol out of the holster and snapped of a trio of shots. To finish of he unhooked a grenade from his belt and lobbed it through a window. Killing anyone left in the building. Price then lept up and sprinted away. As his counter ticked to 600 meters he heartbeat monitor blinked no signs of enemies. He breathed a sigh of relief and ran onwards to safety.

“Obviously, they don't want to be detected just yet.” he smirked “well we'll see about that”

 

Turning this way and that through the maze. The distance meter counted down. He then saw it, the headquarters of the regiments, and slid the system into his pocket. And burst through the gates, heading directly for the command centre. His feet pounded the hard rock-crete path winding up to the centre. His breaths came out in spurts, he didn't realise how far he had been from the headquarters. He tried to calm down and calm his breathing, as he entered the building. His thoughts were rushing through his head, everything that had happened was filling his head. He tried to organize the information.

 

By the time he saw the doors his breathing had returned to normal and he had formed some sort of planned story in his head to relay back to his superiors. He took one more breath as he, scanned into the bio-scanner. The doors slide open and revealed a sparse room.

 

 

 

enjoy, and please comment and grammer/spelling revise. and in the case of skirax, re-write :P

 

thanks

 

Athiair :o

[Ufthak]

Heartbeat sensor? :tu: More MW2...

 

Generally good, but I'd really let Skirax check it for minor mistakes ;) In any case, I like the action, has something going for it! Keep it up :)

[Custodian Athiair]

what do you mean, get Skirax to check it? are you suggesting i pm him it and then let him re-wirte it?

 

and i didn't mean it that way :) the heartbeat sensor, i just wanted something like that in there. but i did realise as i wrote it :)

 

Athiar ;)

[Dosjetka]

Nice story so far. Cant wait for more ;)

[antique_nova]

Nice, however your captain needs to sound much more disciplined, experienced and hardcore. You also have my habit of producing spelling mistakes every now and then ;). I would copy and paste your story in word to clean it up abit and then go through it yourself.

 

MW?

 

thanks

antique_nova

[Custodian Athiair]

ok thanks guys. as i said that's sort of just a preview of the next chapter, still need to write it fully and properly, and add more.

 

thanks for the comments. what do you mean antique-nova? suggestions? of how to improve his control etc.

 

thanks

 

Athiair :)

[Skirax]

Generally good, but I'd really let Skirax check it for minor mistakes :lol: In any case, I like the action, has something going for it! Keep it up :D

Your wish is my command ;)

 

 

Price ran through the darkened streets, holding the locator system infront of him, carefully managing his breathing as he charged through the streets. Then out of know where several crimson red bolts flashed from the dark, impacting on the floor behind him. Price spun on his heel and unleashed a storm of shells into the building, the bark of his bolter causing his ears to ring. Replies came from the darkness, an eruption of loud yells of pain. He released the boltgun and it swung on the strap as he set of again, dashing away from his enemies. A quick glance at the heart-beat monitor on his wrist suggested that there was still heretics in the vicinity. Suddenly a larger bolt flew through the air, and burned into the back of his leg. Price yelled in pain as his skin burned. He stepped right and ducked into a roll, just before a second bolt cracked through the air aimed directly where his head had been.

 

Price rolled through the dive and re-gathered his steps and broke back into a run. Then he saw another red cluster building to his left. He collapsed to the floor and slipped his auto-pistol out of the holster and snapped of a trio of shots. To finish off any survivors, he unhooked a grenade from his belt and lobbed it through a window. Killing anyone left in the building. Price then lept up and sprinted away. As his counter ticked to 600 meters he heartbeat monitor blinked no signs of enemies. He breathed a sigh of relief and ran onwards to safety.

“Obviously, they don't want to be detected just yet.” he smirked “well we'll see about that”

 

He rushed through the streets, turning this way and that through the maze. The distance meter counted down. He then saw it, the headquarters of the regiments, and slid the system into his pocket. He broke back into a sprint and burst through the gates, heading directly for the command centre. His feet pounded the hard rockcrete path winding up to the centre. His breaths came out in spurts, he didn't realise how far he had been from the headquarters. He tried to calm down and calm his breathing, as he entered the building. His thoughts were rushing through his head, everything that had happened was filling his head. He tried to organize the information.

 

By the time he saw the doors his breathing had returned to normal and he had formed some sort of planned story in his head to relay back to his superiors. He took one more breath as he, scanned into the bio-scanner. The doors slide open and revealed a sparse room.

 

 

There we go, not many edits, just a few here and there. Generally, I'm trying to show you how to make the words flow slightly better.

 

Also, try and add in a bit of how the character's feeling. For example, in my opinion, Guardsmen Headquarters would be incredibly unimpressive. How about this:

 

Price came to the gates of the Headquarters, and felt the old sensation of unimpressionable majesty set in. The building reared upwards, bare to the bones but for the great statues set in deep alcoves on the frontal wall. He looked up at the building with a mixture of bitterness and resentment; why were they even here? But now there may very well be a reason, he thought with a cold smile.

[Custodian Athiair]

very very very big thanks to you Skirax. i will take that, including the nice piece of detail for the headquarters.

this is the first story i've really committed to, so i am still learning with the writing.

i will try to convey his emotions more, he's meant to be confident, assured and a hardened soldier. i will try to convey it better.

 

i am still learning how to get the words flowing, and it is difficult. but thank you Skirax. i think from now on i will pm you the separate sections before i post them.

 

i hope to post the whole next chapter on saturday. but school work is drowning me at the moment. so i just need to put in details a bit more about the headquarters. and also maybe (depending on length) a conversation with superiors.

 

thanks again

 

Athiair :D

[Skirax]

You're very welcome, I'm here to guide you, my children :D :)

[calgar101]

Hmm quite good so far but regarding the bolt gun how come he has it? How can he use it as bolters are made for marines not humans.. sorry.

[Skirax]

Actually Calgar, Bolters are standard issue for Marines, but anyone in the Imperium can access them. The only reason they aren't mass-produced and given to the Guardsmen is because they would cost too much on that big a scale.

 

Guardsmen can have Boltguns.

[Dosjetka]

anyone in the Imperium can access them.

Not anyone. That would be insane. More likely Inquisitor staff and some higher ranked officers in the Imperial Guard. No normal humans have access to such holy weapons.

[antique_nova]

The bolt flew through the air and blasted through the mans left hip and tore his leg from his body.

 

Man's :P, nice to see partner in crime still producing the same mistakes as i ^^.

 

As for my advice. I produced this paragraph in my story, it helped to give the sense of experience around him.

 

Slowly standing up and recovering from his filthy; mud covered uniform, Storm trooper sergeant Niel of the 13th brass brazen company looked like a man who had seen death a dozen times and many more.

His leggings were torn from the knee down, exposing deep angry red scars from the shrapnel had caught him from previous fire fights, his shirt covered with perspiration, exhaustion reaching its peak and recent helpings of slime, ash and dirt had all taken their toll upon the sergeant for the past hour, who equally thought of it as life at its finest.

 

The underlined parts of my paragraph underline him as a hardcore soldier with experience and born to fight. Your captain may be more of an officer than a fighter however.

 

Sergeant Tuck gives one last prayer to the emperor as he whips out two bolt pistols, the pistols that were given to him on the day of his promotion and bellows one last order in the mist of death.

 

You could introduce something like a look into Price's past to show how he acquired the boltgun, again this will make him look much more veteran like.

 

Military slang is very common amoung soldiers.

 

“Sweat Emperor, is that what I think it is?”

frag them back to whatever hell hole they came from!”

 

“The glory boys are here are they?

Referring to storm troopers

 

A sense of calmness around troopers can also elude the arua of experience and command from your character.

 

And my favourite paragraph out of my story

 

Exploring the men's thoughts around him helps to create a sense of experience from your captain.

Also, you can create an atmosphere of competition and betting within a squad that you may introduce as a key part of your story.

 

The trooper acknowledged his leader’s words as if he has heard them a hundred times and one more.

 

“Yes sarge, but don’t we want to spoil the big boy’s fun? After all we’re not the ones who will be in the glory talk later, not with them marines around.”

 

“Point taken, now why you lot standing here like guardsmen on parade ground, get stuck in, we’re not going to win this war by just standing and shouting all day are we?!”

 

“No sarge!” Shouted trooper Ogra as he smiled at the sergeant’s comment and ran at the tide of orks with a gun in hand and his companions on his back.

 

“Time to clear this cesspit, before the big boys take all the fun” The sergeant reaches into one of his many pocket pouches, pulls out a timer and frowns at the rucksack in front of him.

 

“Smart man, that kid is” referring to trooper Ogra, with a grin.”

 

Then suddenly, hearing a roar in the distant and looking up to see a rather large ork charging through his own mob, shoving and thumping his own men just to get through to his enemy.

 

Sergeant Neil sets his timer to 20 seconds, stuffs it into the rucksack and hurls it into the direction of the large ork.

 

“Let’s see how loud you cry after this payload.”

 

Amongst the green tide that was charging into the thin line of guardsmen was a large ork by the name of Nob Izgotcha.

 

“Oy youz der, getz oudda my way or iz croke ya. WAAAG….” Suddenly hit by a heavy bag, Izgotcha swears and picks up the bag to see what was in it.

 

What ork nob Izgotcha didn’t know was that the bag was fully loaded with frag grenades and a timer.

Shocked and shaken to its green core, Izgotcha could only manage a few words.

 

“Oh, shhhhhh….”

 

Before it exploded into a shower of bits and balls, as the explosion vaporised any ork with a 10 metre radius of the centre of the explosion into green and black pulps.

 

Then to finish off, it's always nice to read battles, explosions and something unexpected ^^.

 

I hope that helps!

 

thanks

antique_nova

[Custodian Athiair]

thanks antique_nova very useful. but my teachers are annoying, giving me loads of homework today. i will try to write some today. if i have time but i don't know if i will be able to

 

thanks for all the hell

 

Athiair :)