IA: Sons of Lightning

[Shinzaren]

Yeah, I was getting lots of Invader vibes while I was thinking of this. I figured oh well. It'll be some Craftworld I've just conjured up, and so I don't have to worry to much about breaking the universe.

[Shinzaren]

UPDATE: First, this is a shameless self bump, and secondly, I am doing a rewrite of the Origins section and would love some feedback. After discussing with Octavulg, Raging, and getting some comments tossed up GreyHunter, and others, I've come to the conclusion that they're too RG successor, and not enough different. Also, 80s movie training montages don't carry over well to the 40k GRIMDARK. To that end, the whole IA will most likely be edited or rewritten, one section at a time. This is the first attempt at a new Origins:

 

Origins:

 

Founded by the High Lords of Terra in mid-M37 as a response to repeated Eldar attacks in the Veil Region, the Shadow Keepers are a mobile, fleet based Chapter, born of the geneseed of Rogal Dorn. Upon the creation of the chapter, the Adeptus Mechanicus gifted them with the Forge Ship, The Shadow

Edited August 7, 2010 by Shinzaren

[RagingGriffon]

First off, work sucks and I no longer have B&C time.

 

I've come to the conclusion that they're too RG successor

 

RagingGriffon successor? :devil:

 

whose straightforward methods of war were easy prey within the twisting labyrinth of wraithbone. In desperation, the Shadow Keepers turned to the Codex for answers, and in doing so, turned from Dorn. They adopted the shadowy methods of Corax, and slowly adapted to the myriad of ambushes, learning to do the same.

 

I stopped reading here. Sorry, I just don't see a Chapter turning to shadow tactics on the Eldar's home turf and ambushing them. The whole Craftworld is alive. I doubt the Space Marines would be able to get the jump on them.

 

I wrote that paragraph and went and finished the Origins section and I'm just not feeling it. Sorry, bro.

[Shinzaren]

Well, that's a quick edit haha. Good call on the Craftworld being alive, totally forgot. I'll have them get Shadowy after the assault, when they're on the run. Any other issues, or just the section as a whole?

[RagingGriffon]

Well, that's a quick edit haha. Good call on the Craftworld being alive, totally forgot. I'll have them get Shadowy after the assault, when they're on the run. Any other issues, or just the section as a whole?

 

I like that! While they are on the run. Maybe they have to abandon ship after being attacked by the Beagle-Tan and that's how they adapt to survive.

 

*edit* and you should make them from the lineage of the 2nd or 11th Primarch.

Edited August 6, 2010 by RagingGriffon

[Grey Hunter Ydalir]

*edit* and you should make them from the lineage of the 2nd or 11th Primarch.

 

You are one seriously committed soldier. ;)

 

I like that! While they are on the run. Maybe they have to abandon ship after being attacked by the Beagle-Tan and that's how they adapt to survive.

 

I like this. Though, Beagle-Tan?

 

I like the aspect of having to retreat and survive as one of the key parts of this chapter. It's relatively unusual and that's something I like to see.

[Shinzaren]

Alright, edited, updated, and unfortunately, expanded. Tried to cut down, but only succeeded in adding so far. Go you jackals, tear into it :)

[Shinzaren]

Organization:

 

The Chapter is largely Codex based, though it has been adapted to suit the needs of the Shadow Keepers particular way of war. Many of their variations on Codex tactics are a result of the mighty tome penned by the first Chapter Master, Nikolai Hessa, and added to across the generations as new wisdom and tactics were discovered. This collection of works on the ways of war by the Shadow Keepers is known as the Book of the Dark War, first written by Hessa in the dark years following their assault on Ya'Jalden, when they were forced to flee and hide. What began as a simple collection of notes and thoughts on how best to fight the Eldar, has evolved into a generation spanning treatise on all the facets of the Chapter. It is a spiritual guide, with discussions on faith and the Emperor, as much as it is a guide to warfare. In in its pages the divergences from Dorn's way of war are reasoned and explained, as is the Chapter

Edited September 25, 2010 by Shinzaren

[Dazzo]

Do they use any kind of company markings, and what is their chapter symbol, if they have one?

[Shinzaren]

Chapter symbol has been a thorn in my side for a long time haha. I have no idea what it should be. Also, as soon as I have time, I'll be doing a full rewrite of the entire IA, even sections I already rewrote. I have the outline down on paper, just need to get some time to type it up. As far as company markings go, I will have to think on that, thanks for pointing out thatout Dazzo.

[Shinzaren]

Totally redone. Completely rewrote and rebuilt. First post is completely updated. Total tactic change, name change, color change, etc etc. Hopefully more realistic, better written. I dunno about the side-bar yet, we'll see though?

 

 

TO THE FIRST POST!

[Shinzaren]

And now, with colors by the Handsome! The Charming! The DEBONAIR! Ace!

 

http://www.bolterandchainsword.com/sm.php?%20b62c=@hd0fp_hQ8MC.iakk7@@@@@@@i8y3o@_@@__@@@@.@@@.@@@.@.@@@@@@@@@@@_@@@@@@@@@@@@@_.&http://www.bolterandchainsword.com/sm.php?b62c=@iakk6_hQ8MC.hd0fp@@@@@@@i8y3o@_@@__@@@@.@@@.@@@.@.@@@@@@@@@@iakk7_@@@@@@@@@@@@@_iakk7&

 

Trying to decide between the two. Thoughts?

[Grey Hunter Ydalir]

I see too many all white chapters in all honesty. I like the majority blue the best. Though they are both good, the first one gets my vote.

[Ace Debonair]

You left out modest. ;)

 

Right then, to work.

It would take nearly fifty years for the Sons to rebuild, during which time they made extensive use of the hit and run, and lightning raid tactics, as the Sons were unable and unwilling to spend their lives in head on assaults and stubborn last stands. These tactics would serve them well, though it drove them further and further from the others of their lineage.

 

From three hundred marines to full strength in fifty years?

I'd have thought it would take a little longer than that, to be honest, but I'm not the best-informed guy on this point.

 

Cajarta Prime is a massive hive world, and from it's gangs and police forces, recruits are taken.

 

Ten year old cops to catch the ten year old criminals?

 

These tactics have lead to some suspicion amongst certain Inquisitors, as the Sons are nearly half psychic, though the majority are only to a small degree, only enough to detect and to some extent negate other psykers.

 

Gosh. A chapter half-full of psychics is a bit over the top, isn't it?

Perhaps a handful of them, but I wouldn't make the number anything like so large.

 

Only once in the history of the Sons have they slain an Avatar at range, preferring to claim the glory of this greatest kill up close. This has lead to a higher than average casualty rate when the Avatar is fielded, as the Sons tend to abandon strategy in an attempt to claim the kill.

 

I'm not exactly clued-in on the eldar, but I figured the avatars were pretty rare enemies. Someone else will have to judge on that, though.

Although why bring up that they've only shot one? It'd be better to just imply that they rush them for the honour of triumphing in close-quarter combat with a malevolent deity.

 

For those Imperials that side with the Eldar, even for briefest moment, the Sons bear the most contempt, seeing them as worse than the Traitorous Marines.

The Sons Of Lightning think working with Space Elves is a more heinous crime than the Heresy? It's not that the idea wouldn't work, but I admit it did cause a raised eyebrow on my behalf.

Although saying the see them as second in villainy to the traitors does prompt the question of why they're not hunting traitors, so perhaps I should just shut up now. ;)

 

Seems pretty solid, all in all.

I'm sure I spotted a spelling mistake before, but it seems to have hidden itself now.

 

Keep up the good work!

Edited October 15, 2010 by Ace Debonair

[Shinzaren]

You left out modest

Oh yes, of course. AND THE MODEST! ACE! Better? I'm just glad you didn't bring the "STOP! Hammertime!"

 

From three hundred marines to full strength in fifty years?

I'd have thought it would take a little longer than that, to be honest, but I'm not the best-informed guy on this point.

Nah, I figured 150 was more in-line with how long it took. 50 years to rebuild a bit, and then a century later when they emerge whole. That sentence was later in the paragraph, so I could probably consolidate the two sentences into one for clarity.

 

Ten year old cops to catch the ten year old criminals?

Ok, so maybe recruiting from the gangs alone would be better. Not so much the Police. But then again, that would take playing Cops and Robbers to a new level... ;)

 

Gosh. A chapter half-full of psychics is a bit over the top, isn't it?

Perhaps a handful of them, but I wouldn't make the number anything like so large.

Honestly, the Jury is still out on the idea of Bracers at all. I might cut them all together, and just state that they have a larger than average Librarian and leave it at that. I dunno though. 50% does seem rather high in hind-sight.

 

I'm not exactly clued-in on the eldar, but I figured the avatars were pretty rare enemies. Someone else will have to judge on that, though.

Although why bring up that they've only shot one? It'd be better to just imply that they rush them for the honour of triumphing in close-quarter combat with a malevolent deity.

Yeah, good point. I figure, if you fight the Eldar all the time for like 4000 yrs, you see a couple Avatars haha, and since it is the greatest foe the Sons fight, I thought it worth mentioning. Definitely gonna change the whole shooting one thing. Just leave it at they rush in madly to slay it.

 

The Sons Of Lightning think working with Space Elves is a more heinous crime than the Heresy? It's not that the idea wouldn't work, but I admit it did cause a raised eyebrow on my behalf.

Although saying the see them as second in villainy to the traitors does prompt the question of why they're not hunting traitors, so perhaps I should just shut up now. ;)

Yeah, this is kinda the point. They are fanatical to the point of being dangerously obsessed. They have a such skewed view on how bad the Eldar are, that they raise their threat level to the point of the Great Enemy. Reality might not have the Eldar be such a huge threat, but the Sons don't see it that way.

 

Seems pretty solid, all in all.

I'm sure I spotted a spelling mistake before, but it seems to have hidden itself now.

Probably more than one hidden in there somewhere :)

As always, thanks for the criticism and comments. Definitely gonna work on the stuff mentioned. Thank ya Ace :D

[Octavulg]

Founded in mid-M37 in response to repeated Eldar attacks in the Veil Region, the Sons of Lightning are a mobile, fleet based chapter, born of the gene-seed of Rogal Dorn. However, they do not share Dorn's predilection for head on assault, nor stubborn defense. Instead years of battling the shadowy Eldar they were created to fight has left them with a strategy that favors speed and mobility as opposed to overwhelming firepower and tenacity. Upon the creation of the chapter, the Adeptus Mechanicus gifted the Sons with the mighty Battle Barge, The Thunderhead, and the Forge Ship, Lightning's Wrath. Alongside these gifts, a handful of marines from the Crimson Fists, including a marine named Nikolai Hessa, formed the core of the chapter's leadership; guiding the chapter's infantile development into a full fledged war machine. After several skirmishes with the Eldar, the Sons would face a true trial by fire, as the High Lords of Terra ordered them to purge a Craftworld that had been terrorizing the local system, Cajarta. Though it proved extremely difficult to locate, the Craftworld, known as Ya'Jalden, was eventually tracked down. Mustering the entire might of the chapter, now nearing full strength, the Sons made their assault.

 

You're mixing the past with the present here, and it's not really necessary. Don't worry about explaining what the Chapter will become.

 

Also, a little more detail on the skirmishes and the process of tracking down would work well, I think. Don't just jump to the exciting stuff.

 

Though the initial space battles favored the Sons, they would face their true test when they made world-fall. Using drill-tipped boarding torpedoes, Thunderhawk Gunships and Drop Pod assault, the Sons engaged the Eldar on their home territory. Fighting as only one defending their homeworld and refuge could, the Eldar inflicted terrible casualties on the Sons, whose straightforward methods of war were easy prey for the Eldar in the twisting and ever changing labyrinth of wraithbone. Still, their furious advance would not be stopped, and the Eldar were slowly pushed back to the core of the Craftworld, where the final battle was waged. Their Avatar was cast down, and the survivors put to the sword as the Sons claimed their victory. Though the Craftworld was now a desolate and barren husk, the losses suffered by the Sons were horrendous. Out of nearly a thousand battle brothers, barely three hundred remained, lead by former Captain Nikolai Hessa.

 

Oh, c'mon. Anti-climax. We skip all the learning to fight the Eldar and the finding the Craftworld and the climactic battle? I'm not saying it needs tons of details, but this is too quick for something that is relatively unexplored. You've got new ground here - use it!

 

Receiving word that a large Eldar force had exited the Warp and was now engaging the Sons' Fleet, Hessa wisely decided to retreat. They made their way back to their Thunderhawks, only to be assaulted by the newly arrived Eldar, bearing the white and green of the Swordwind Host. Making a fighting withdrawl, Hessa and his survivors escaped back to the fleet, though they stood barely two hundred strong. Realizing they couldn't win against the might of the entire Biel-Tan Craftworld, the fleet immediately jumped to warp, and would spend much of the next decade evading the vengeful Eldar and trying to rebuild. For nearly a decade they were pursued across the Veil, every attempt at rest and resupply interrupted by their hunters. Knowing they couldn't engage the Eldar head on, the Sons resorted to lightning raids, and rapid extractions, striking hard and fast at their objective, securing what supplies and recruits they could, before rapidly retreating. Only by relying on these tactics were they able to survive, and they continued to use them even after their rebuilding. This was a dark period for the Sons, as they were forced from system to system, turning tail to their enemies and retreating in shameful fashion unfit for the Sons of Dorn. Knowing survival was important than pride, Hessa continued their hit and run tactics, and eventually the Sons stumbled out of Warp into a system that was being toured by a large Imperial Fleet. Swallowing their remaining pride, the Sons hailed the Fleet, nearly begging for assistance. When the Biel-Tan emerged from Warp, intent on finishing their wounded prey once and for all, they found instead a mighty fleet of Imperial Warships. The following battle was brief and bloody, ending with the Biel-Tan retreating after swearing fell oaths of death and vengeance upon the Sons.

 

First, them taking on the Swordwind feels like an attempt to make them neater. Second - more development. This is all happening too quickly. Nobody does Eldar-fighting Chapters. Relish the opportunity and take advantage of it.

 

It might be more interesting to explore the process by which they defeat Ya'Jalden, and have the Swordwind slowly applying more and more pressure to them.

 

The Fate of Ya'Jalden

The former Craftworld of Ya'Jalden is now a ruined and barren hulk, drifting aimlessly at the edges of the Cajarta system. After their retreat at the hands of Ya'Jalden, the Sons of Lightning eventually returned, intent on ensuring that Ya'Jalden was truly dead. Instead they found it had become a den of pirates, demons, and scavengers, as well as a force of Eldar that seemed to be trying to reclaim their lost world. Realizing the potential, Nikolai Hessa ordered a purge of a small section, and the Sons set up a fortified keep. Now it used as both training ground, and base of operations for Ordo Xenos expeditions. The Keep, now known as World Fall, has become a central part of the Craftworld. From here Inquisitors lead expeditions to recover forbidden Xenos tech, and the Sons lead recruits among the mazes in training exercises, doing battle with the pirates, demons, and Xenos that inhabit it. The Keep itself has been attacked many times throughout its history, as the Biel-Tan and other Eldar forces seek to scuttle the Craftworld and forever bury its secrets. The Sons and their allies have thus far rallied in time to save it, and it has been centuries since the last assault. However, none believe the Eldar threat to World Fall finished, and its commanders are ever watchful.

 

Interesting. Though I would wonder why the Eldar would need to attack the Keep to scuttle the Craftworld.

 

The Sons of Lightning have no homeworld, no singular base of recruitment and rest. Instead the Sons are a fleet based chapter, constantly patrolling the Veil. The Sons recruit from three main worlds: Sinead, the ever dark, Gennis, the burning waste, and Cajarta Prime, the hive world. Sinead is a tidally locked feral world, where the cool dark of the planet harbors the only human life, and the burning heat of the day side spawns terrible beasts against which they are tested. The planet of Gennis is one large and unbroken desert, with vast underground seas at the North and South poles, connected to each other by subterranean rivers, whose waters are tapped by deep wells, each a relic of a long forgotten past. However, the wells are few, and competition for them is extremely fierce, leading to constant warfare and hardy recruits for the Sons. Cajarta Prime is a massive hive world, and from it's gangs, recruits are taken.

 

Sinead makes me think of Sinnead O'Connor, and draws comparison to the Castigators. The planets are neat, mind you. I just don't like Sinead that much.

 

Constant battle across the Veil, and the mobile nature of the Sons has lead to them possessing a fluid command structure. Captains and Commanders are given large freedoms, able to wage wars as they wish. The Chapter Master, who gives up his forename to take the name Nikolai, oversees the myriad of battles and skirmishes from the Thunderhead, and often leads the chapter to war, especially against the hated Biel-Tan. Though scattered and divided across the Veil, the Sons are quick to unite as a chapter against a large enemy, and especially so against an Eldar force. In the event that battle with Biel-Tan is possible, Nikolai will summon the entire chapter back, and the Captains of the companies will each lobby their case that they should be given the honor of the assault. When the battle plan is formed, and those fortunate companies are assigned, Nikolai himself will lead the forces of the Sons, often drawing first blood against their most hated enemy.

 

Focusing so heavily on the Biel-Tan feels kind of weird. Even the Imperial Fists and the Iron Warriors don't rate special mention in the combat-related sections of the IF IA.

 

Also, you never did explain the Chapter's name. And it's unusual enough it might be a good idea to do so.

 

The Sons of Lightning also employ a larger than average Librarium, a response to their constant battles with the Eldar. Realizing the danger and power of Eldar Seers and Witches, the Sons look for psychically attuned recruits, to better counter this threat. Even the less powerful psykers are seconded to the Librarium, where they are trained to be defensive units. Though not able to summon lightning or hurl wytch-fire as a true Librarian can, these Bracers, as they are known, are used to detect and defend their brothers against the psychic attacks of their foes. The Bracers are spread throughout the companies, as they aren't considered Librarians and thus attached to the Librarium. These tactics have lead to some suspicion amongst certain Inquisitors, as the Sons allow these few psychics to exist without being permanently attached to the Librarium, though the majority are psychic only to a small degree, only enough to detect and to some extent negate other psykers. The fact they are not offensively powerful, nor are they summoning from the Warp directly has been a large factor in avoiding Inquisitorial scrutiny, in addition to their successes, and their allies amongst the Ordo Xenos.

 

Bracers? It feels like a silly name. Also, psychics need supervision. It's that simple. What reason would there be not to have them be part of the Librarium?

 

In addition, the Sons favor close combat when possible, preferring to look their enemy in the eye as they slay them. Against the Eldar especially, the Sons of Lightning prefer to show their strength, slaughtering their most hated enemy staring them in the eye. They favor close combat for another reason as well, as the Sons prefer to take trophies from mighty enemies, especially leaders amongst the Eldar. The Avatar of Khaine is the greatest example of this, as the Sons rush into melee combat in an attempt to slay the vengeful deity and claim the glory of the kill.This has lead to a higher than average casualty rate when the Avatar is fielded, as the Sons tend to abandon strategy in an attempt to claim this honor.

 

What about the fact that once you're in a position to hit them in the face, it's trickier for them to sneak off?

 

The Sons place a high respect on Eldar kills, often taking trophies from their slain foes. Exarchs, Autarchs, Seers, and Witches are especially respected, each earning a kill marking tattoo on the inside of the right forearm. Those marines that display outstanding skill in the slaying of their foes are quickly promoted, and thus the veteran First company is filled with tattooed warriors each bearing the kill tattoos of many a dread foe, as well as bearing scalps, trinkets, and other trophies taken from their slain enemies. The quickest, and most reliable, way to earn a place in the hallowed First is to slay one of the mighty Avatars of Khaine, the enemy's mightiest warrior. Thus when one is sighted, the Sons go into a near frenzy trying to slay it and earn their place, though this often leads to unnecessary casualties. Indeed, each of the Chapter Masters of the Sons have bore at least one flaming sword tattoo, and it is rumored that Nikolai Hessa, first Chapter Master of the Sons bore three at the time of his death.

 

Flaming sword tattoos make me giggle, unfortunately.

 

The Sons of Lightning are of the gene-seed of Rogal Dorn, though other successors of the Primarch do not recognize them as such. As such, they are missing their Sus'An Membrance and Betcher's Gland. Having turned from Dorn's way, the other scions of the Primarch call them cowards and betrayers, and are loath to fight beside them, a feeling the Sons share. Only in the most dire of circumstances will they willingly fight beside another of Dorn's ilk, and even then tensions run extremely high, with brawls, and outright fights being far too common.

 

Why Dorn?

 

* * *

 

Fighting the Eldar is interesting. Explore it and develop it more. More of the process, less of the final result.

 

I like the concept, though. We don't have enough of that.

[Shinzaren]

You're mixing the past with the present here, and it's not really necessary. Don't worry about explaining what the Chapter will become.

 

Also, a little more detail on the skirmishes and the process of tracking down would work well, I think. Don't just jump to the exciting stuff.

Yeah, I'm trying to find the right balance between enough details to make it interesting and keep everyone clued in, and not so many that the IA just goes on and on. Plus, I was trying to limit fight scenes, because, as you say, "There is only war." But I agree it could use a bit more detailing on that.

 

Oh, c'mon. Anti-climax. We skip all the learning to fight the Eldar and the finding the Craftworld and the climactic battle? I'm not saying it needs tons of details, but this is too quick for something that is relatively unexplored. You've got new ground here - use it!

See above -_- I'll try and work in more details, as well as explaining a bit more. Building the tensions as it were.

 

First, them taking on the Swordwind feels like an attempt to make them neater. Second - more development. This is all happening too quickly. Nobody does Eldar-fighting Chapters. Relish the opportunity and take advantage of it.

 

It might be more interesting to explore the process by which they defeat Ya'Jalden, and have the Swordwind slowly applying more and more pressure to them.

I can definitely work on that though. I'd like to keep the Swordwind if possible, without trying to ride on the name and be super special. I'd like to have an over-arching enemy who they clash with again and again throughout history in what are basically blood feuds. Like IF and IW, or Space Pups and the 1k Sons. But I'll try and rely a bit less on them as the early antagonists.

 

Interesting. Though I would wonder why the Eldar would need to attack the Keep to scuttle the Craftworld.

It's located on a load bearing wall? ;)

Realistically though, I should change it from Keep, and say that the Craftworld has come under repeated attacks, which the Sons fend off.

 

Sinead makes me think of Sinnead O'Connor, and draws comparison to the Castigators. The planets are neat, mind you. I just don't like Sinead that much.

Basically I wanted a good opposite to a world of never ending day and heat. Maybe an ice world on the fringes of a system would work better...?

 

Focusing so heavily on the Biel-Tan feels kind of weird. Even the Imperial Fists and the Iron Warriors don't rate special mention in the combat-related sections of the IF IA.

 

Also, you never did explain the Chapter's name. And it's unusual enough it might be a good idea to do so.

Again, I'm trying to get across that feel of having an enemy that they all know and hate more than any others, that persistently tangles with them throughout history. I'll try and limit them a bit and show a more realistic view of hating ALL Eldar, not just the one Craftworld.

 

Bracers? It feels like a silly name. Also, psychics need supervision. It's that simple. What reason would there be not to have them be part of the Librarium?

Bracers just sorta sprang at me while I was doing the Librarium part. I thought it would be neat to take the less powerful psykers and still use them, even if they couldn't be Librarians proper. The name is very temporary, and suggestions are much appreciated. I don't honestly have a good reason why they aren't part of the Librarium... I'll change that here in a bit.

 

What about the fact that once you're in a position to hit them in the face, it's trickier for them to sneak off?

That too :) I'll make sure to mention something like that.

 

Flaming sword tattoos make me giggle, unfortunately.

Totally open to suggestions here :) I need some way for a Son to physically mark the slaying of such a worthy foe. I am open to any other suggestions. Also considering adding a bit about how the Sons learned of the importance of Spirit Stones, and now deliberately do their best to destroy them. You know, really ratchet up the Hate.

 

Why Dorn?

A.) This is a carry over from the earlier drafts, ie: Shadow Keepers. Dorn is fine for Gene-seed I think, just don't need to focus on the friction anymore since they aren't sneaking about, or wearing all black, or perching themselves on the rooftops of Gotham.

B.) I don't want the gene-seed to be a big issue, and I hate hate hate the Smurfs. I just wanted a nice, relatively stable gene-seed, from a chapter that wasn't bat-s*** crazy. :)

 

* * *

 

Fighting the Eldar is interesting. Explore it and develop it more. More of the process, less of the final result.

 

I like the concept, though. We don't have enough of that. :)

 

I'll work on adding details, and I'll cut back a bit on some of the other things. Like I said, working on finding that balance between not enough, and too much. Also, I'll pull back from the Biel-Tan angle a bit, and focus more on the early Eldar hatin' history and the conflicts and such.

 

Thank ya Octavulg, your C&C is always appreciated. I'll get to work on these points as soon as I can :)

[Octavulg]

Yeah, I'm trying to find the right balance between enough details to make it interesting and keep everyone clued in, and not so many that the IA just goes on and on. Plus, I was trying to limit fight scenes, because, as you say, "There is only war." But I agree it could use a bit more detailing on that.

 

Start out with young and innocent Chapter. Explore their campaigns against the Eldar, what works, what doesn't. The consequences of their failures. The gradual change of the chapter's attitudes and tactics.

 

Do all this without talking about battles.

 

Think of it as exploring the Chapter's growing hatred of the Eldar, rather than the Chapter's development of tactics to fight the Eldar.

 

I can definitely work on that though. I'd like to keep the Swordwind if possible, without trying to ride on the name and be super special. I'd like to have an over-arching enemy who they clash with again and again throughout history in what are basically blood feuds. Like IF and IW, or Space Pups and the 1k Sons. But I'll try and rely a bit less on them as the early antagonists.

 

Any kind of close, ongoing relationship with officialdom is a Bad Idea.

 

Personally, I would argue that ongoing grudge matches that receive to much attention are also Bad Ideas. The IA becomes about the fight, and not about the Chapter. Unless the Chapter completely defines themselves by their struggle against X, X should not be a major feature in the IA.

 

Hating Eldar generally will bring them into conflict with the Swordwind a lot, and not raise the question of how the Chapter's survived the Biel-Tan loathing their guts.

 

It's located on a load bearing wall? msn-wink.gif

Realistically though, I should change it from Keep, and say that the Craftworld has come under repeated attacks, which the Sons fend off.

 

But such a simple solution is available - they're in the engine room.

 

And the most practical way to scuttle such a ship is, well, blowing up the engines. Anything else would take a lot of effort.

 

Basically I wanted a good opposite to a world of never ending day and heat. Maybe an ice world on the fringes of a system would work better...?

 

Dunno. I'd recommend jungle, actually. Not as common.

 

And for the love of God, change the name.

 

Again, I'm trying to get across that feel of having an enemy that they all know and hate more than any others, that persistently tangles with them throughout history. I'll try and limit them a bit and show a more realistic view of hating ALL Eldar, not just the one Craftworld.

 

The Biel-Tan should be a focus point of their generalized hatred, not a particular adversary (IMO). If you follow. They dislike the Biel-Tan because they're obtrusive and militant Eldar, not because they're the Biel-Tan.

 

Bracers just sorta sprang at me while I was doing the Librarium part. I thought it would be neat to take the less powerful psykers and still use them, even if they couldn't be Librarians proper. The name is very temporary, and suggestions are much appreciated. I don't honestly have a good reason why they aren't part of the Librarium... I'll change that here in a bit.

 

See, that sort of psyker's a liability - they're just as vulnerable, and not nearly as capable.

 

Totally open to suggestions here smile.gif I need some way for a Son to physically mark the slaying of such a worthy foe. I am open to any other suggestions. Also considering adding a bit about how the Sons learned of the importance of Spirit Stones, and now deliberately do their best to destroy them. You know, really ratchet up the Hate.

 

Rubies inlaid into the skull/flesh/helmet? Irezumi?

[Shinzaren]

Updated! All traces of Biel-Tan should have been removed, as well as the Bracers, and the conflicts with Dorn's successors. Additional focus on early history, and discovery and subsequent destruction of Craftworld Ya'Jalden.

Sinead has been changed to Sujuta, now a Feral Jungle World

World Fall is located in the Engine area of the Craftworld.

Etc Etc.

[Ace Debonair]

Well, just glancing through, that seems to be an improvement.

I'll take a closer look after the weekend.

 

Still not updated your colour-scheme, I notice.

Maybe you should just flip a coin? :)

[Shinzaren]

Nah :) It'll be the blue one, I'll update that right now haha.

[CKO]

It is much better from the first one, everything flows very smoothly the only thing I noticed is that you sometimes repeat yourself, such as the mentioning of lack of land raiders in both organization and battle doctrine, you can easily re-word it.

 

I also have to disagree with a post made by someone, a brand new chapter will hate the foe they were created to fight against compared to chaos.

 

Each craftworld has 1 Avatar, I would change it from a few members of the 1st company has slain one to a few chapter masters has slain one. They are literally gods, for a good comparison imagine how many Calgars or Dantes have been slained, then imagine how many opportunities your chapter will have to slay such an opponent.

[Shinzaren]

It is much better from the first one, everything flows very smoothly the only thing I noticed is that you sometimes repeat yourself, such as the mentioning of lack of land raiders in both organization and battle doctrine, you can easily re-word it.

 

Ahh yeah, just saw that. I'll edit that when I get a bit more time.

 

I also have to disagree with a post made by someone, a brand new chapter will hate the foe they were created to fight against compared to chaos.

Yeah, Ace corrected himself at the end...kinda :)

 

Each craftworld has 1 Avatar, I would change it from a few members of the 1st company has slain one to a few chapter masters has slain one. They are literally gods, for a good comparison imagine how many Calgars or Dantes have been slained, then imagine how many opportunities your chapter will have to slay such an opponent.

 

Yes, but when an Avatar is slain, it flies back to its chamber in the Craftworld, slowly regenerating over time, meaning if the Sons constantly engage the same foe, eventually it'll pop up again ;) I changed it a bit and made it seem more like only Chapter Masters have slain one, and I can work that a bit still. Definitely trying to give the Avatar his/her/its due.

 

Thank ya CKO. Given me some more to work on :)

[Ecritter]

First, I like the new color scheme.

 

Founded in mid-M37 in response to repeated Eldar attacks in the Veil Region, the Sons of Lightning are a mobile, fleet based chapter, born of the gene-seed of Rogal Dorn. They are so named for the terrible battle that defined them as a young chapter, where thunder and lightning blessed their greatest victory. Upon the creation of the chapter, the Adeptus Mechanicus gifted the Sons with the mighty Battle Barge, The Thunderhead, and the Forge Ship, Lightning's Wrath. Alongside these gifts, a handful of marines from the Crimson Fists, including a marine named Nikolai Hessa, formed the core of the chapter's leadership; guiding the chapter's infantile development into a full fledged war machine. With the beginnings of a fleet, and the start of the Chapter, the training cadre led their charges into the Veil Region, where they were intent on forging their name

 

Highlighted sentence seems a bit out of place here, perhaps moved down to later in the IA. Also, if they are named after a great victory, what were they originally named … I assume they had a name when they became a Chapter.

 

Arriving in Cajarta, they found a system in chaos. Supply lines between the worlds had been nearly severed, the Hive World had been cut off from its imports of food and material, and the agri-world was suffering ceaseless attacks. Billions were dying of starvation, and no force in the area had even seen the attackers. Deciding that the first order of business was to restore supply lines, the Sons set about clearing the agri-world of invaders, and reestablishing communications and trade. Initial battles favored the Sons, though the casualties they inflicted seemed few and far between. Each time the Eldar slipped away, and the Sons were allowed to claim an uncertain victory. With food flowing to the Hives, and trade being slowly reestablished, the Sons turned their attentions towards locating the Craftworld. Every report of Eldar activity was investigated, and nearly every lead turned up only stones. Compounded this frustration was the fact that the raiders had returned, spreading the Sons thin trying to cover convoys and defend critical locations. This might had been the end of the young chapter, had an ancient and decrepit old astropath not tried to communicate with a dead moon. In his senility, he touched upon the Craftworld, and the communication with such a psychic construct destroyed the remains of his fragile mind. Still, his sacrifice had located the Craftworld. When word was passed to the Sons that a large, psychic entity had been discovered behind one of the moons, they knew immediately that their quarry had been located. However, the presence of a nearby Ion Storm made scans and traditional sweeps impossible, meaning the Sons had no idea of the strength of their enemy.

 

I think “Compounding” would work best here.

 

Mustering the entire might of the Chapter, and pulling all their forces from duties of defense, they struck. With no way to know what they were facing, the Sons had sent general calls for aid to several nearby systems, though none would arrive in time. The battles in the space around the Craftworld were bloody affairs, as the Eldar tried to buy time for their brethren to escape. They attempted to lure the invaders into the Ion Storm, where both sides would savaged by its fury. However, the Sons would not be baited, and nor have their assault denied, and slowly began to make world fall. Almost immediately, the Sons were set upon, and the first hours to establish a beach head were amongst the bloodiest of the entire campaign. Pushing back the Eldar, and establishing a drop point, the Sons slowly began to drive into the Craftworld proper. At every turn, Eldar ambushes and attacks came from nowhere, as the wraithbone of the world shifted and changed around them. Testing their tactical acumen and flexibility to the limit, the Sons began to adapt to the ambushes, moving quickly to retreat or reinforce areas as necessary. Every step forward was made over hundreds of Eldar corpses, and it was during this time that the Sons discovered the importance of the Spirit Stones. When Captain Hessa burst the stone of a Striking Scorpion Exarch, he noticed the surviving Scorpions falter briefly, as if they had been struck themselves. Relaying this information, the Sons began to focus on the stones when they could, a tactic that, while effective, earned the hatred of an entire race.

 

Should read “where both sides would be savaged by its fury.

 

“Nor would they have their assault denied,” sounds better I think.

 

“Relaying this information, the Sons began to focus on the stones when they could. A tactic that, while effective, earned the hatred of an entire race.” I think this should be broken into two sentences.

 

Pushing further into the Craftworld, the Sons came across the Avatar of Khaine for the first time, suffering fearsome casualties as they tried to bring the eldritch monster down. Knowing that this was the Eldar's last stand, the Sons committed all their forces, and the battle in the Court of Isha's Cradle was waged. The Craftworld itself, seemingly sensing its end, sailed into the nearby Ion Storm, and the last battle was waged as thunder and lightning shook the sky and pounded defender and attacker alike. The Eldar paused to look upon the storm in terror, but the Sons took the storm as an omen, a sign from their Emperor. Hurling themselves forward, they set upon the Eldar in a fury, harnessing the elemental rage of the storm as their own. Nowhere was this more personified than in the center of this bloody melee, where Hessa struck down the Avatar as lightning smote his blade. The storm itself raged into the God of War, and when Hessa raised his power sword, it glowed red with the heat of the strike, and blood of a God. Demoralized by this, the Eldar gave a scream that heralded the death of their world. Every Eldar that did battle that day was put to the sword, and in a move that could never be forgiven, the Sons shattered the spirit stones of every Eldar they found, dead or alive. Ya'Jalden had been conquered, though not without cost.

 

Sentence just doesn't sound right. Perhaps this instead. “Demoralized by this, the Eldar screamed out, heralding the death of their world.”

 

More than seven hundred marines had perished in the assault, and the fleet had suffered as well, both from the defenders, and the fury of the storm, whose blessings didn't seem to extend to space. Bloodied, and knowing they couldn't fight this battle a second time, the Sons made their way back to their extraction points, stopping to slay any survivors they found. Just as they reached their ships, a large Eldar force exited the Warp, and set upon them. This would have been the end of the Sons, had their distress call not been received. Almost immediately after the Eldar attacked, a large fleet of Astartes warships, answering the call of their brothers, entered the system. The resulting battle was brief and bloody, and ended with the Eldar being driven off, though not before swearing dire oaths of vengeance. The Sons thanked their allies, and immediately set about rebuilding, fighting only in skirmishes and hit and runs while they gathered their strength. Nearly 150 years later, the Sons would emerge whole, having traded access to the Craftworld for the aid of the Adeptus Mechanicus and the Inquisition. Now stronger than ever, they continue their never ending mission to wipe the Eldar from the Veil.

 

70% of the Chapter lost seems a bit high to me.

 

Survivors? In the previous para, you said all were dead … sounds off to me.

 

The Sons of Lightning have no homeworld, no singular base of recruitment and rest. Instead the Sons are a fleet based chapter, constantly patrolling the Veil. The Sons recruit from three main worlds: Sujuta, the deadly jungle, Gennis, the burning waste, and Cajarta Prime, the hive world. Sujuta is a lush feral world, where the relatively primitive men wage a constant war of survival against the jungle and its inhabitants. The planet of Gennis is one large and unbroken desert, with vast underground seas at the North and South poles, connected to each other by subterranean rivers, whose waters are tapped by deep wells, each a relic of a long forgotten past. However, the wells are few, and competition for them is extremely fierce, leading to constant warfare and hardy recruits for the Sons. Cajarta Prime is a massive hive world, and from it's gangs, recruits are taken.

 

I think “Sujuta, the deadly jungle; Gennis, the burning waste; and Cajarta Prive, the hive world.” is correct, but I may be wrong.

 

The Sons recruit equally from all three worlds, and have established small keeps on each, which recruits must journey too be considered worthy. Each world is fraught with its own perils, and the journey weeds out many of the weak and unworthy recruits. Those that make it to the keeps are kept and trained by the Marines stationed there, prepared as best they are able for the trials that will soon follow. When the fleet returns to each world, a Proving is held at each keep, wherein all the recruits that have made the journey are tested against one another in lethal combat. The survivors and the strong are then taken by the Chaplains and Apothecaries, where they will become true Sons of Lightning.

 

I think depending on recruits coming to them will lead to a very low recruitment rate.

 

Having no homeworld, the Sons of Lightning instead maintain a large fleet presence, their good relations with both the Adeptus Mechanicus helping them. In exchange for access to World Fall and the Craftworld, their Battle Barge The Thunderhead was repaired, and the Forge Ship, Lightning's Wrath was also repaired and resupplied. In addition, they gifted the Sons with two additional Battle Barges and several support vessels, giving the Sons a large, and powerful fleet.

 

Not really a large fleet. It equals the Ultramarines (non fleet based), and falls way short of the Dark Angels (fleet based) fleet of 5 battle barges.

 

Constant battle across the Veil, and the mobile nature of the Sons has lead to them possessing a fluid command structure. Captains and Commanders are given large freedoms, able to wage wars as they wish. The Chapter Master, who gives up his forename to take the name Nikolai, oversees the myriad of battles and skirmishes from the Thunderhead, and often leads the chapter to war, especially against the hated Eldar. Though scattered and divided across the Veil, the Sons are quick to unite as a chapter against a large enemy, and especially so against an Eldar force. In the event that battle with their most hated adversary is possible, Nikolai will summon the entire chapter back, and the Captains of the companies will each lobby their case that they should be given the honor of the assault. When the battle plan is formed, and those fortunate companies are assigned, Nikolai himself will lead the forces of the Sons, often drawing first blood against their most hated enemy.

 

Try this instead, “Constant battle across the Veil, and the mobile nature of the Sons, has led to their more fluid command structure.”

 

All this lobbying would give the enemy a chance to escape in my opinion.

 

The Sons command structure, company organization, and division are all Codex based, with the exception of a slightly smaller armoury, as the Sons favor speed over firepower, especially against such a mobile enemy as the Eldar they often battle.

 

A one sentence para. Needs to be added to the para above or below; or broken into two or more sentences.

 

The Sons of Lightning favor a method of warfare that relies on speed and surprise over ponderous strength and firepower. Years of battling the Eldar have ensured they are flexible and highly adaptable, able to avoid being bogged down and surrounded. However, because of this, the Sons are lacking in heavy armor, and field comparatively fewer tanks and Land Raiders than other chapters. They consider this no great loss, instead arming their squads with heavy weapons and anti-armor. Each such squad is nearly always given a Rhino transport, enabling them to quickly maneuver about the battlefield, bringing their heavy weapons to bear where they can be most useful. This allows them to remain highly mobile, without sacrificing their anti-armor capabilities.

 

Can't have speed or surprise with hours of lobbying prior to a battle.

 

The Sons place a high respect on Eldar kills, often taking trophies from their slain foes. Exarchs, Autarchs, Seers, and Witches are especially respected, each earning a kill marking tattoo on the inside of the right forearm. Those marines that display outstanding skill in the slaying of their foes are quickly promoted, and thus the veteran First company is filled with tattooed warriors each bearing the kill tattoos of many a dread foe, as well as bearing scalps, trinkets, and other trophies taken from their slain enemies. The quickest, and most reliable, way to earn a place in the hallowed First is to slay one of the mighty Avatars of Khaine, the enemy's mightiest warrior. Given the extreme circumstances required for the Eldar to resort to fielding such a foe, its destruction is even more monumental. The reward for slaying the Avatar is nearly always instant promotion to the First, as well as a ruby service stud, marking such a slayer for all to see. Nearly every chapter master of the Sons has born such a ruby, and it is rumored that Nikolai Hessa, first master of the Sons, bore three at the time of his death.

 

Do they respect them, of do they respect kills of them? Perhaps should read, “Kills of Exarchs, Asutarchs, Seers, and Witches are especially respected.”

 

-----------------------------------

 

All in all, a very good IA and near completion. I look forward to seeing them join the honored list of completed IAs.

Edited October 24, 2010 by Ecritter

[Shinzaren]

Highlighted sentence seems a bit out of place here, perhaps moved down to later in the IA. Also, if they are named after a great victory, what were they originally named … I assume they had a name when they became a Chapter.

 

Yeah, I dunno where exactly to put this. I'm trying to just be deliberately vague on their name before hand, since it's not important.

 

I think “Compounding” would work best here.

Agreed.

 

Should read “where both sides would be savaged by its fury.

Agreed.

 

“Nor would they have their assault denied,” sounds better I think.

Maybe, but then the flow into the next sentence seems way off. I'll think about this.

 

“Relaying this information, the Sons began to focus on the stones when they could. A tactic that, while effective, earned the hatred of an entire race.” I think this should be broken into two sentences.

I think a semicolon actually would be best. I'll change that.

 

Sentence just doesn't sound right. Perhaps this instead. “Demoralized by this, the Eldar screamed out, heralding the death of their world.”

Still doesn't sound right. I agree that it needs changing though, I'll definitely rework it.

 

70% of the Chapter lost seems a bit high to me.

To destroy and entire planet/craft? That holds an entire Eldar city? I think 700 is conservative actually :)

 

Survivors? In the previous para, you said all were dead … sounds off to me.

Yeah, I'll rework the previous paragraph, and change this to "last pockets of resistance"

 

I think “Sujuta, the deadly jungle; Gennis, the burning waste; and Cajarta Prive, the hive world.” is correct, but I may be wrong

Hmmmm....

 

I think depending on recruits coming to them will lead to a very low recruitment rate.

Nah, 3 worlds, each pretty well populated. The recruits hear legends of the Sky Warriors or what have you, and local legend tells that if you make it there, you become a warrior of the Emperor. Lots of people would probably make the journey, giving them plenty of recruits.

 

Not really a large fleet. It equals the Ultramarines (non fleet based), and falls way short of the Dark Angels (fleet based) fleet of 5 battle barges.

Both of which are Chapters of Legend, and first foundings :) Three is pretty big for a much later founding.

 

Try this instead, “Constant battle across the Veil, and the mobile nature of the Sons, has led to their more fluid command structure.”

Saying it like this would imply that I've already explained it is fluid, and this is just referencing it :)

 

Al

l this lobbying would give the enemy a chance to escape in my opinion.

Nah. They aren't debating for hours. Each company gives a good reason, then the the Chapter Master decides. Just like any meeting of strategy, where you decide how assets are committed. I'll try and figure out how to explain that.

 

A one sentence para. Needs to be added to the para above or below; or broken into two or more sentences.

Agreed, I will add it to the one below :)

 

Can't have speed or surprise with hours of lobbying prior to a battle.

See above :) Not hours. Just a couple minutes.

 

Do they respect them, of do they respect kills of them? Perhaps should read, “Kills of Exarchs, Asutarchs, Seers, and Witches are especially respected.”

Kills :) Will be changed!

-----------------------------------

 

All in all, a very good IA and near completion. I look forward to seeing them join the honored list of completed IAs.

 

Thank you Ecritter! I will add some of the changes you suggested and edit an update :)