IA: Sons of Lightning

[PorridgeMeister]

Another quick insignificant comment from PorridgeMeister

 

Nice subtle touch with Nikolai Hessa. Not Tesla then in a lightning based chapter?

I've been caught! To the Batmobile! :( Though I do appreciate someone catching it ;)

Caught it? I thought it was standing in the rain screaming about how obvious it was...

 

:P

It was pretty darn obvious to be fair!

[Ecritter]

No, Thor Hesla would have been obvious. :) Edited November 12, 2010 by Ecritter

[Shinzaren]

Updated with a VERY important quote in the Organization section. Seriously, it's important. Check it out.

[Octavulg]

Kind of breaks the immersion, doesn't it?

[Shinzaren]

Kind of breaks the immersion, doesn't it?

The truth is more important than immersion. The people have a right to know.

[Octavulg]

Say no more. I understand.

[Ecritter]

You just completely ruined the IA, it must be trashed now ... sorry.

[Ecritter]

Just took another look, and have one more suggestion.

 

"Lightning Strikes! Thunder Roars!"

 

Since you are the Sons of Lightning, I think it would read better as, "Thunder Roars! Lightning Strikes!"

[Shinzaren]

You always see lightning before you hear thunder.

[Ecritter]

You always see lightning before you hear thunder.

 

Yeah in nature, but you are the Sons of Lightning ... just makes more sense for their final yell to be "Lightning Strikes!" as they rush into battle.

Edited November 14, 2010 by Ecritter

[The Shiny One]

and slowly they began they assault on the Craftworld proper

 

I think this is a typo? If not it could be my bad english and i'm sorry.

 

I really like the idea with the craftworld.

 

But i could not resist to point out, that a lot of paragraphes of the Organisation, Combat Doctrine and Beliefs section all point to a certain kind of army list, with two Liberians and heavy on rhinos and razorbacks. which is the standard now a days.

I dont want to pick a fight here, just arguing, that it is possible to combine the to aspects of the hobby. And i really like this about your IA.

 

One thing was of to me: You write of slaying Avatars, like they are eldar warlocks. For me the avatar is a kind of semigod that can battle with an c'tan or demon prince. Slaying one would result in promotion to be an officer or a sergent of the 1. company, dont you think. please correct me if i am totally wrong here.

[Ecritter]

Yes ... that would be a typo. :P

[Shinzaren]

and slowly they began they assault on the Craftworld proper

 

I think this is a typo? If not it could be my bad english and i'm sorry.

Yes, that is a typo :) ;)

 

I really like the idea with the craftworld.

 

But i could not resist to point out, that a lot of paragraphes of the Organisation, Combat Doctrine and Beliefs section all point to a certain kind of army list, with two Liberians and heavy on rhinos and razorbacks. which is the standard now a days.

I dont want to pick a fight here, just arguing, that it is possible to combine the to aspects of the hobby. And i really like this about your IA.

I'll tell you a secret. I haven't played on the table-top in over two years. My Sons of Lightning have absolutely NO relation to game itself, aside from the backround...

 

One thing was of to me: You write of slaying Avatars, like they are eldar warlocks. For me the avatar is a kind of semigod that can battle with an c'tan or demon prince. Slaying one would result in promotion to be an officer or a sergent of the 1. company, dont you think. please correct me if i am totally wrong here.

Indeed, the Avatar is a demi-God, the literal incarnation of the Eldar God of War, manifested physically to wage war against the enemies of the Eldar. That said, I mentioned that slaying one earns an instant promotion to the 1st Company. The reason I didn't have it go any higher than that is because to be a Sergeant or Officer, you need to be able to do more than just slay the enemies of the Emperor, you also need to be able lead men. Promotion to the 1st Company, no matter your status, is a BIG deal, at least to me haha. I also tried to mention how rare the Avatar was, and how it takes extreme circumstances to field one.

 

Thanks for the feedback Shiny :) I appreciate it. I will of course fix that typo haha ^_^

 

EDIT: Updated and corrected a few mistakes. Latest revisions all look good. Gonna wait a week or so for any last suggestion/reviews, then reread, correct, and go from there? :P

Edited November 18, 2010 by Shinzaren

[Ace Debonair]

You've got the same quote, by the same guy, on both Organisation and Combat Doctrine. :P

 

I spoted it because I recognized the name of the guy. :)

[Ecritter]

maybe the quote is THAT important.

[Shinzaren]

Updated, and added a sidebar. Corrected a few minor typos throughout, and generally looked it all over. Any thoughts?

[Ecritter]

I vaguely remember these guys .... weren't they swallowed by the Eye of Terror or something like that? :P

 

Oh and all your quotes have / or \ for some odd reason. Was it meant to be that way?

Edited December 8, 2010 by Ecritter

[Octavulg]

If you are foolish enough to just edit the post on the board, rather than cutting and pasting afresh, it will eventually start doing that.

[Grey Hunter Ydalir]

FOOLISH!

 

 

 

Ok, that was less than helpful. I just wanted to drop by and chime in.

 

I could also say that I really like these guys and am seeing good progress here, but I think screaming foolish really puts everything into perspective much more nicely. don't you? B)

Edited December 8, 2010 by Grey Hunter Ydalir

[Shinzaren]

If you are foolish enough to just edit the post on the board, rather than cutting and pasting afresh, it will eventually start doing that.

How do you make changes to a first post IA? Don't I HAVE to edit it in? Maybe I am misunderstanding the foolishness of my ways...

[Ecritter]

If you are foolish enough to just edit the post on the board, rather than cutting and pasting afresh, it will eventually start doing that.

How do you make changes to a first post IA? Don't I HAVE to edit it in? Maybe I am misunderstanding the foolishness of my ways...

 

I always have those problems if I just do small edits to the existing post. So I work in a complete copy on my computer and simply replace the orig post every time I update it. No problems that way.

[Octavulg]

What ecritter said.

[Shinzaren]

Ahh, ok. I will copy-paste this into a completely new file, edit out all the stupid mistakes and then repaste it back in?

[Imperialis_Dominatus]

Took a good long read through this thread. Ideas for the Legends of the Liber story are shaping up. Good stuff. I'm going to have fun with this.

 

I think the sidebar about the Fate of Ya'Jalden should be moved down so it doesn't give away the game early on.

 

Keyboard running out of batteries. May return to this later.

[Imperialis_Dominatus]

Have returned to this later. Have two minor quibbles about the plot, easily quelled.

 

1. I think they should be named the Sons of the Storm at their Founding. The ships' names and the fact that they take the ion storm as an omen (good use of a celestial event instead of a Warp storm or something else typical by the way) would seem to indicate that this is your actual intention, but there's a line in their Origins section that suggests that they are named for the battle against Ya'Jalden.

 

2. High Lords aren't going to order them to attack anything. Just say they were the most readily available and appropriate force with which to enact the Craftworld's execution.

 

Couple questions to make sure my Legends of the Liber story keeps continuity.

 

1. Does the Chapter see any difference between Craftworld, Dark, Corsair, or Exodite Eldar?

 

2. What form might kill count tattoos take? Are they just tally marks, like you might see on a prison wall or gun casing? Or are they more elaborate?

 

3. What measures does your Chapter undertake in order to prevent rivalries from the recruits of different worlds springing up? Or do they even bother, allowing time to sort out these things?