IA: Sons of Lightning

[Ecritter]

Actually from the sidebar you make it seem as if the whole chapter is part of the Deathwatch, its my understanding that only a few veterans from the chapters take part.

 

Did you really mean the whole chapter?

[Shinzaren]

Actually from the sidebar you make it seem as if the whole chapter is part of the Deathwatch, its my understanding that only a few veterans from the chapters take part.

 

Did you really mean the whole chapter?

 

No. That wasn't the intent. The idea was that they might have a slightly higher than average recruitment rate by the Deathwatch. Then they messed it all up by being Eldar hating Jerks, then they got sorta kicked out. Then slowly they were allowed back in.

[Ecritter]

Time for me to take another look. ;)

 

"There is nothing in this galaxy so dangerous and deviant as the Eldar. They are a race without conscience, without soul. They may wear a face like that of Man, but it conceals the mind of an alien. You may ally with them, thinking them your friends, but they will turn on you, devour you, and when you die, it will be to suit their vile machinations. And your death will be the deserving death of the traitor." -Sons of Lightning 3rd Company Captain Aced Ebo'Nair, prior to the execution of Colonel Hussel Brach of the Igneotin 143rd Guard Regiment.

 

I don't know alot about the Eldar, do they really eat people alive ... cause that's the way it sounds.

 

The Sons earned their name following the titanic battle that defined the young chapter, where thunder and lightning blessed their greatest victory.

 

I'm sorry, but they had no name before the battle? :)

 

the mighty Battle Barge, The Thunderhead, and the Forge Ship, Lightning's Wrath. Alongside these gifts, a handful of marines from the Crimson Fists, including a marine named Nikolai Hessa, formed the core of the chapter's leadership;

 

I'm not sure if the ships are part of the leadership or not.

 

While in orbit around Sujuta, they bore witness to the Eldar turning on the Guardsmen that thought them allies.

 

So the Sons were there killing Eldar while the IG was helping them ... were they fighting against the Sons?

 

the Sons began to adapt to the ambushes, moving quickly to retreat or reinforce areas as necessary.

 

I really think the Sons should be falling back, not retreating.

 

The storm itself raged into the God of War, and when Hessa raised his power sword, it glowed red with the heat of the strike, and blood of a God.

 

Maybe I'm just being puritanical, but I never capitalize god.

 

Realizing the vast strategic potential the dead Craftworld presented, Hessa and his surviving marines set about cleansing the last pockets of resistance and establishing the mighty Fortress that would come to be known as World Fall.

 

What happened to the ion storm ... did it go away, or is the craftworld still surrounded by it?

 

"You ask me why I hate the Eldar? Oh there is long, long, long list of reasons. We have fought them for millenia, and still the Eldar find new ways to be perfidious.

 

What does that mean?

 

-Captain Octav Vulg, discussing the Eldar with an Inquisitorial Acolyte visiting World Fall with his Master.

 

Oh come on! :)

 

Though a dead and lifeless world, the immense psychic construct of the Craftworld's Infinity Matrix, as well as the terrible weapons and powers unleashed in the planet ship's last stand, combine to make the Craftworld a haunted and terrifying place.

 

Haunting sounds better.

 

The sight of the Craftworld entering a system or combat zone has a demoralizing effect on their Eldar enemies, who come to realize that even their mightiest defenses are nothing to the might of the Imperium.

 

Wouldn't other SM chapters attack it on sight too?

 

The survivors and the strong are then taken by the Chaplains and Apothecaries, where they will become true Sons of Lightning.

 

Are there strong dead taken to become marines?

 

they are flexible and highly adaptable, able to avoid being bogged down and surrounded. However, because of this, the Sons are lacking in heavy armor, and field comparatively fewer tanks and Land Raiders than other chapters.

 

I'm sure you've been told that SM tanks are just as fast as Rhinos. Perhaps if you left the highlighted part out it would make more sense. Or move it to come after the fact they like close combat, that would make more sense.

 

The Sons of Lightning hate the Eldar. They despise them with a cold and irrational hate that many claim has crossed the line into obsession.

 

Is it really irrational for a SM to hate aliens?

 

and their treatment of Eldar prisoners is whispered to rival that of the scions of the Chaos Gods.

 

They hate that much ... and take prisoners? :D

 

Beliefs

 

I'm not really sure I saw any beliefs in this whole section. :P

 

-Overheard conversation between Sergeant E.C. Ritter and a recruit of the Sons of Lightning

 

Now that's a name to be proud of. ;)

 

The Craftworld colors in the Chapter in other ways as well.

 

I think that first 'in' is a mistake.

 

After the defeat of Craftworld Ya'Jalden, the Sons of Lightning would spend the next 150 years here

 

I think that should be 'there'.

 

Nikolai Hessa ordered a purge of a the engine section,

 

Pretty sure that 'a' needs to go.

 

The Sons and their allies have thus far rallied in time to save it, and it has been centuries since the last assault.

 

But the Chapter is only 4 thousands years old?

 

 

 

*******************************

 

Excellent work, with only a few problems as I've noted.

[Shinzaren]

I don\'t know alot about the Eldar, do they really eat people alive ... cause that\'s the way it sounds.

Aiming more for the spiritual/emotional devouring. They\'ll use you, take everything you have to serve their purposes. I\'ll try to think of a way to reword that.

 

I\'m sorry, but they had no name before the battle?

No. :P I dunno. Blast this is a pain in my side!

 

I\'m not sure if the ships are part of the leadership or not.

I will reword for clarity. But I know you know what I meant... Haha.

 

While in orbit around Sujuta, they bore witness to the Eldar turning on the Guardsmen that thought them allies.

 

So the Sons were there killing Eldar while the IG was helping them ... were they fighting against the Sons?

Will change Them to \"The Xenos.\" Trying to imply that the Eldar were working with the Guard against some unlisted foe, who isn\'t important, before the Eldar turned on them, as they are wont to do.

 

I really think the Sons should be falling back, not retreating.

Duly noted.

 

Maybe I\'m just being puritanical, but I never capitalize god.

12 years of Private Catholic Schooling. I write God as capitalized without thinking. Will edit.

 

What happened to the ion storm ... did it go away, or is the craftworld still surrounded by it?

Will add a sentence in the above paragraph to state that the storm burned itself out.

 

\"You ask me why I hate the Eldar? Oh there is long, long, long list of reasons. We have fought them for millenia, and still the Eldar find new ways to be perfidious.

 

 

What does that mean?

Tricksy, treacherous, deceitful, underhanded, sneaky, faithless, cannot be trusted, etc etc.

 

-Captain Octav Vulg, discussing the Eldar with an Inquisitorial Acolyte visiting World Fall with his Master.

 

Oh come on!

As over the top as possible, that\'s the goal :D Did you catch Ace Debonair\'s Cameo? It\'s disguised...

 

Haunting sounds better.

Duly noted.

 

The sight of the Craftworld entering a system or combat zone has a demoralizing effect on their Eldar enemies, who come to realize that even their mightiest defenses are nothing to the might of the Imperium.

 

Wouldn\'t other SM chapters attack it on sight too?

I would imagine the word would be spread that they have captured it, and they transmit all the proper signals, and give off all the proper readings, as it is powered by Imperial Tech. Perhaps some tensions and early misunderstandings, but I doubt it\'d be anything that a quick call couldn\'t resolve.

 

Are there strong dead taken to become marines?

Duly noted.

 

they are flexible and highly adaptable, able to avoid being bogged down and surrounded. However, because of this, the Sons are lacking in heavy armor, and field comparatively fewer tanks and Land Raiders than other chapters.

 

I\'m sure you\'ve been told that SM tanks are just as fast as Rhinos. Perhaps if you left the highlighted part out it would make more sense. Or move it to come after the fact they like close combat, that would make more sense.

Yep, I was trying to think of how to phrase this, and that is the perfect solution. Will do :D

 

Is it really irrational for a SM to hate aliens?

It\'s the depth of hatred that is irrational. Will edit for clarity. Everyone hates everyone, that\'s a given. The Sons hate Eldar on a whole different plane of existence.

 

They hate that much ... and take prisoners? :blush:

When they can. This would serve two purposes.

A.) Information. They would wanna break the Eldar in question and find his buddies, so they can kill them too.

B.) Giving recruits a chance to look at, study, inflict harm on, and kill a living Eldar. Good way to learn. Very cruel and awful, but a good method.

 

I\'m not really sure I saw any beliefs in this whole section.

I\'m pretty sure they believe in the absolute hatred they have for the Eldar :D Which is a pretty defining belief. Belief doesn\'t just refer to religion or a higher power, but in this case, it references the guiding principles(or lack thereof) for the Sons. Their belief in the absolute wrongness of the Eldar\'s very existence is more defining and relevant for the Chapter than how they see the Emperor. Or a Primarch.

 

-Overheard conversation between Sergeant E.C. Ritter and a recruit of the Sons of Lightning

 

Now that\'s a name to be proud of.

Over the top, all day, everyday :D

 

But the Chapter is only 4 thousands years old?

That\'s 40 centuries. Figure maybe 3-4 between founding and the assault, so that leaves 35ish. Say it hasn\'t been attacked in 500 years? That\'s plenty of time for it to make sense, especially if the proceeding 3,000 years saw one attack every 2 centuries or so.

 

Excellent work, with only a few problems as I\'ve noted.

Thank ya. I will work your changes and suggestions in right away, especially the grammar issues. And remember OVER THE TOP :D :P

 

EDIT: All the changes suggested have been made. Well, that's a lie. All the suggestion made that I think worked have been made.

Edited November 5, 2010 by Shinzaren

[Grey Hunter Ydalir]

Rubies inlaid into the skull/flesh/helmet?

 

Seriously, taking their spirit stones and embedding them into their storm-shields or rhino hulls would be just golden. The Eldar have to shoot and slash at them to kill/destroy them and in doing so they must also shatter their own kindred's spirit stones. That would make your chapter unbelievably hated beyond measure.

 

 

Also I could have a bash at removing the diamond outer from your symbol if you'd like, I think it'd work better without it. I'm trying to re-familiarize myself with GIMP so a little tinkering around with this could be productive. Then again, it could be terror, pure terror.

 

Either way there will be some kind of result. :tu:

 

*Edit*

 

Got to say I like all the changes being incorporated here. I especially like the new colour scheme, good work Shinzaren! ;)

Edited November 6, 2010 by Grey Hunter Ydalir

[Octavulg]

Actually, Octavius the Vulgar was long-ago decided to be the easiest way to slot me into the 40K universe. :)

 

That or Hive Fleet Octavulg.

[Ace Debonair]

-Captain Octav Vulg, discussing the Eldar with an Inquisitorial Acolyte visiting World Fall with his Master.

 

Oh come on!

As over the top as possible, that\'s the goal :D Did you catch Ace Debonair\'s Cameo? It\'s disguised...

 

I spotted it. :P

First you compared me to a squirrel a few weeks back, then you stick apostrophes in the middle of my name. :)

 

Feel free to use my full name of Acemund if you like, but be aware I've already ripped off my own name with a Captain in the Red Lords. :lol:

Make up a last name, or something, if you like. But one without apostrophes in.

 

That or Hive Fleet Octavulg.

I suspect Hive Fleet Octavulg only devours worlds that are over-themed or don't make sense within the rest of the universe. ;)

But that's a topic for another forum, methinks.

[Shinzaren]

Seriously, taking their spirit stones and embedding them into their storm-shields or rhino hulls would be just golden. The Eldar have to shoot and slash at them to kill/destroy them and in doing so they must also shatter their own kindred's spirit stones. That would make your chapter unbelievably hated beyond measure.

I have to walk a fine line here, because the Sons can't know too much more about the Stones then the Imperium at large. Itis an idea, but one that would need careful explanation. As of now, they aren't entirely sure what the Stones do, they just know the Eldar get REALLY ticked off when you break one.

 

Also I could have a bash at removing the diamond outer from your symbol if you'd like, I think it'd work better without it. I'm trying to re-familiarize myself with GIMP so a little tinkering around with this could be productive. Then again, it could be terror, pure terror

Sure, I have NO skills in this area haha, so go nuts :)

 

Got to say I like all the changes being incorporated here. I especially like the new colour scheme, good work Shinzaren!

Thank the Liber, not me :) I just write it down.

 

I spotted it.

First you compared me to a squirrel a few weeks back, then you stick apostrophes in the middle of my name.

 

Feel free to use my full name of Acemund if you like, but be aware I've already ripped off my own name with a Captain in the Red Lords.

Make up a last name, or something, if you like. But one without apostrophes in.

 

Actually, Octavius the Vulgar was long-ago decided to be the easiest way to slot me into the 40K universe.

 

That or Hive Fleet Octavulg.

Ok, so the name thing just came up because I was messaging Octavulg and trying to come up with a good reason to hate the Eldar so completely. He gave me a big long list, which I literally plagiarized to the bone. Feeling slightly guilty, I decided to name the speaker after Octavulg, in recognition of his awesome idea which I totally ripped off. Realizing Octavulg wasn't the only big contributor, I decided to incorporate you guys for fun. This was my first attempt at cameos, and obviously not all of them worked :)

 

That said, I would be honored if I could steal your identities to add a bit of inside humor to the IA. If not, I think the IA will go on :)

 

All this silliness aside, I am glad everyone is liking it so far. Just waiting on Octavulg(*COUGH*) to give his brutalizing look over the new stuff. I'm trying not to monkey with it and mess it up for the sake of messing it up haha.

 

So, thank you:

Ace, Ecritter, Grey, and Octavulg.

[Octavulg]

Octavius the Vulgar could be an Inquisitor. Lets him get around without implausibility.

 

I don't mind being included in the slightest. :)

 

I'll look at your IA some time soon. I've got homework, man!

[Shinzaren]

Octavius the Vulgar could be an Inquisitor. Lets him get around without implausibility.

 

I don't mind being included in the slightest. :)

 

I'll look at your IA some time soon. I've got homework, man!

 

I'll try and come up with a good Inquisitor-ish quote to attribute to Octavius the Vulgar :)

[Octavulg]

The one about hatred could work easily enough.

 

"I asked them why they hated the Eldar. They told me, "The Eldar..."

[Ace Debonair]

Ok, so the name thing just came up because I was messaging Octavulg and trying to come up with a good reason to hate the Eldar so completely. He gave me a big long list, which I literally plagiarized to the bone. Feeling slightly guilty, I decided to name the speaker after Octavulg, in recognition of his awesome idea which I totally ripped off. Realizing Octavulg wasn't the only big contributor, I decided to incorporate you guys for fun. This was my first attempt at cameos, and obviously not all of them worked :D

Hey, I don't mind being included. It's just a thing of mine - I strongly dislike apostrophes in the middle of names. ;)

 

Admittedly, my name doesn't lend itself to 40k-isms very well, so I can't think of any good alternatives. :lol:

[Shinzaren]

Hey, I don't mind being included. It's just a thing of mine - I strongly dislike apostrophes in the middle of names. ;)

 

Admittedly, my name doesn't lend itself to 40k-isms very well, so I can't think of any good alternatives. :lol:

And I love them haha. I think it gives them a very unique sound, and because it denotes a pause or separation between syllables, it opens up so many more choices for names, all of which sound different, and at the same time, similar. Still, as it is your cameo, the least we can do is tailor is to your liking eh? :D You come up with one, and I will put it in.

[Ecritter]

Are you close to being done, looks so to me?

[Ace Debonair]

Hey, I don't mind being included. It's just a thing of mine - I strongly dislike apostrophes in the middle of names. ^_^

 

Admittedly, my name doesn't lend itself to 40k-isms very well, so I can't think of any good alternatives. :lol:

And I love them haha. I think it gives them a very unique sound, and because it denotes a pause or separation between syllables, it opens up so many more choices for names, all of which sound different, and at the same time, similar. Still, as it is your cameo, the least we can do is tailor is to your liking eh? :D You come up with one, and I will put it in.

Like... Rai Debonachi?

OK, so I threw a few extra letters in there, but it's still a not-so-subtle disguise. ;)

[Shinzaren]

Are you close to being done, looks so to me?

Yeppers :) Hopefully... Octavulg was gonna run through it one more time, but I know he has been busy. I think it should be done, although a couple more quotes might help, though I dunno what about. Probably gonna steal Ace's quote about Sons of Lightning hitting fast, and hard enough not to need a second ;) Other than that, run through it a time or two more for spelling and punctuation, and anything I might have missed. Then I'll let simmer for a bit, reread it, and submit :D

 

EDIT: Plus the last sidebar could use a good grooming and what not before it is put in the article proper.

 

Like... Rai Debonachi?

OK, so I threw a few extra letters in there, but it's still a not-so-subtle disguise.

Consider it done ;)

Edited November 9, 2010 by Shinzaren

[Octavulg]

You're not done. I can tell you that right now.

 

I fixed something on the Ice Lords last week.

 

You may be mostly done. But even if you are, you should take a break and then look at it in a week (or a month) and see what you want to add or improve.

 

Nothing makes a good IA like working on it until you can't stand to look at it, then working on something else for a while.

 

Then repeating the process.

Edited November 9, 2010 by Octavulg

[Ace Debonair]

Are you close to being done, looks so to me?

Yeppers :) Hopefully... Octavulg was gonna run through it one more time, but I know he has been busy. I think it should be done, although a couple more quotes might help, though I dunno what about. Probably gonna steal Ace's quote about Sons of Lightning hitting fast, and hard enough not to need a second ;) Other than that, run through it a time or two more for spelling and punctuation, and anything I might have missed. Then I'll let simmer for a bit, reread it, and submit :D

Ironically, that in itself is a not-so-subtle nod to the cliche line 'Lightning never strikes twice'. ;)

[Shinzaren]

You're not done. I can tell you that right now.

 

I fixed something on the Ice Lords last week.

 

You may be mostly done. But even if you are, you should take a break and then look at it in a week (or a month) and see what you want to add or improve.

 

Nothing makes a good IA like working on it until you can't stand to look at it, then working on something else for a while.

 

Then repeating the process.

 

I know :D That's why I said hopefully haha. Gonna let it rest, work on the Purifiers project, crush the souls of fluff breakers submitting ideas about Corrupted Female Grey Knights who punched out Roboute Gulliman, take a nap or two, and then reread and all that jazz. I learned from my first draft with the Shadow Keepers ;)

 

Well yeah, those Ice Lords are sneaky though. With their Fallen popping up outta nowhere and taking over a ship and all that. Sneaky sneaky I tell you.

[Octavulg]

Fallen always pop up out of nowhere. Well-established character trait. ;)

[Shinzaren]

Fallen always pop up out of nowhere. Well-established character trait. ;)

 

Deus Ex Fallen? I guess it's better than Deus Ex Cypher...

[Octavulg]

No, no. That would be getting out of a plot problem by using them as an intervening force. In this case, they basically are the plot.

[PorridgeMeister]

Another quick insignificant comment from PorridgeMeister

 

Nice subtle touch with Nikolai Hessa. Not Tesla then in a lightning based chapter?

[Shinzaren]

Another quick insignificant comment from PorridgeMeister

 

Nice subtle touch with Nikolai Hessa. Not Tesla then in a lightning based chapter?

I've been caught! To the Batmobile! ;) Though I do appreciate someone catching it :)

[Heru]

Another quick insignificant comment from PorridgeMeister

 

Nice subtle touch with Nikolai Hessa. Not Tesla then in a lightning based chapter?

I've been caught! To the Batmobile! :huh: Though I do appreciate someone catching it :)

Caught it? I thought it was standing in the rain screaming about how obvious it was...