IA: Sons of Lightning

[Heru]

It can't have been. Because you'd be dead.

He must be undead then, because it has indeed been there for years.

[Shinzaren]

 

I actually just meant "don't list his titles before his name". Keep the Colonel or not, as you choose.

Edited.

 

 

I get that, but you're mostly just repeating yourself with the first few sentences. Give examples or something instead.

Why?

Gotcha. Tried to rewrite it a bit to make them more aggressive.

 

 

Having them seek the Eldar out organically shows them adapting and developing as Eldar fighters. Growing frustration and such can easily translate to hatred. You don't need some outside influence to send them into all this.

 

Alrighty. I can rework that section a bit.

 

 

So do multiple short examples rather than one long one. Like at the start of the Marines Tenebric or the Bronze Prophets.

 

Them fighting the Eldar and losing will lead to hatred. Marines don't like to lose.

Alrighty. I'll try and work in some examples of them getting a beat down for awhile.

 

 

It can't have been. Because you'd be dead. Also, anyone that senile isn't likely to be on active duy.

 

Alrighty, alrighty. I yield. It prolly won't be there in the next draft.

 

T

 

he Eldar are fast and sneaky. They can beat up Marines just fine.

 

All you need is a series of battles across the Veiled Region where the Marines arrive too late or get outmaneuvered by the Eldar. A few victories, but mostly losses. The chapter develops its hatred more with every settlement burnt, and eventually decides that the way to fight an infestation isn't to stomp on the bugs as they appear. You find the nest and burn it out.

 

Seriously. Right now you're both too specific in what's causing the Marines to hate the Eldar (lots of events, over lots of space) and they're too passive in dealing with it. You don't win against the ELdar by being passive.

Alright, this can definitely get some reworkage. I like the idea of viewing them as an infestation.  :P

 

 

Still, IAs are semi-omnipotent - they're not written by your marines.

 

Gotcha. Some of it is creative hyperbole. God-Shard and God are fairly close.

 

 

Yes, but you don't need to completely restate everything.

Agreed, I reworked the sidebar.

 

 

True.

 

Just have the worlds disappear.

 

Easy enough. Something mysterious.

 

 

No. Always say who thinks something, even if it's just "IMperial scholars". Though how would they know?

 

I can remove that. Not a big issue.

 

 

Could do. Just don't feed them to a god of Chaos.

Alrighty :)

 

 

Fight a particular enemy long enough and you'll begin to hate them. They fight Eldar a lot. A long list of random battles where the Eldar triumphed through varying perfidies or the Marines arrived too late to help would cement a hatred. Then have them realize the Eldar are an infestation, then burn them out of the Craftworld. This, of course, cements that view, because it worked.

Ok, I can definitely work with that. I will rewrite that in the next edit. Hopefully it makes a little more sense on the next read through.

 

Thanks Octy!