The End of a Shadow

[Dominicus]

So this is how it ends. Ironic.

Captain Kayvaan Shrike of the Raven Guard crouched behind a crumbling brick wall, along with his squad, Shrike's Wing. They were sheltering from a withering hailstorm of fire from the orks entrenched along the border of the last standing ork base, the hive city of Gothica on the planet Havan, in the Ultima Segmentum. A desperate call for help had come from the Imperial governor on the planet a month previous to this moment. Shrike had responded with the Third Company, his Company and himself ready to take revenge on the hideous greenskins for their deceased brethren that had fallen in the Targus campaign. Over the past month, Shrike and his cCompany had employed a tactic they had perfected over their time in Targus; attack, then disappear into the shadows before anyone notices the destruction. They had managed to clear the entire planet of ors, slowly cleansing the surface one city after the other. And now, on the brink of victory, this was the end. The ors had learned from their past mistakes. They had entrenched themselves thoroughly across the edges of the city. The first squad of assault marines Shrike had ordered to attck from the skies were shredded by an insane amount of firepower as they blasted through the air towards enemy lines. Now, pinned down and with nowhere to go, the Raven Guard waited out the storm. Shrike listened hard, the heard a collective "click" as the orks emptied their guns at the wall he and his Wing were now hiding behind.

"Go", the Shadow Captain muttered into his squad vox. His Wing boosted off the ground towards the trenches. They landed uninjured, with no shots being sent in their direction at all. Shrike had timed the move perfectly. Orks, being to dense to retain any tactical sense, with the exception or Warbosses, had emptied all of their clips at the same, leaving a large gap in between the time that they reloaded, racked a round into the chamber, and fired again. As Shrike landed, he decapitated two Boyz with his Raven's Talons, a pair of masterfully-crafted lightning claws said to be unbreakable, having been forged by Corax himself.

"For Corax and the Emperor!" Shrike roared, punching a bloodied claw into the air.

"For the Emperor!" shouted his battle-brothers in return. Shrike turned, and came face to face with a massive Nob. The Nob bellowed, sending spittle flying across Shrike's faceplate, and swung a wickedly massive blade around in a strike intended to decapitate the foe. Shrike reacted faster than the or k's blade, however, and brought his claws up into an x position to block the blow. His left claw smashed the blade aside, quickly followed by his right cleaving through the sword arm of the ork. The ork roared in pain, staggering back from Shrike clutching the stump of what was his right arm. Shrike gave no quarter, bringing his left claw down onto the head of the Nob, slicing through armor and bone alike,turning a head into bloody ribbons.

"Squads Versailles and Higgs, converge on my position", Shrike ordered into his Company vox-comm. He received two brisk acknowledgements from the two veteran sergeants, and in the distance his enhanced hearing picked out the roar of twenty jump packs igniting.He turned back to the trench, only to see a tide of green heading straight for him. On his left and right behind him, he distinguished two thumps, and without looking knew at once it was his personal squad, Shrike's Wing.

"Where are your brothers?" Shrike questioned.

"They insisted on continuing deeper into the inner sanctums of the ork hideout, in preparation for you, Captain," Brother Gomeloc responded.

"Fantastic," Shrike hissed, sarcasm dripping from his tone,"I guess it is just us, brothers. For the glory of the Emperor and Corax."

"Glory to the Emperor," Gomeloc and Harandis intoned. Then the ork horde was upon them, and there was no more time for words.

 

 

So, what do you think? I need at least 3 opinions before I continue this story.

 

Dominicus

[Dominicus]

The Captain and his two squad mates boosted into the ork horde using their jump packs. Shrike ducked under the wild swing of an ork wielding a wickedly curved combat blade, and proceeded to gut him with his right hand, as his left engaged an ork Boy in the second row. The Shadow Captain's Wing fought alongside him with a ferocity legends are made of. Both armed with lightning claws as well, they sliced and stabbed, utilizing quick jabs to incapacitate the foe, then a mighty swing to decapitate them. Shrike and his men fought on for hours, a stalwart wall against the unending horde of green skins. As the hours drew on, Shrike's men grew tired and weary. Gomeloc was the first to fall, his neck a smoldering stump after a direct hit from an ork wielding a plasma gun, most likely one taken from another Raven Guard earlier in the day. Shrike roared in anger at having a protege of such capabilities brought low by a vile ork, and boosted to the back of the horde with anger in his heart and revenge at the forefront of his mind. Harandis stayed, weaving and jabbing at the orks that seeked to pass him and flank his brothers of the 3rd Company as they made their assault on the city's main gates. He was the only man left, protecting his brothers from most certain death. He, too, grew weary, but he did not falter. His resolve was stronger that that of a thousand mortal men, and he would not fail his Captain.

Kayvaan Shrike landed with a thud behind the horde and quickly turned to see Gomeloc's killer, readying itself for another shot at Harandis.

"For Corax, and for Gomeloc!" Shrike cried, bringing his right claw in a mighty arc and ripping the shocked greenskin from heasd to toe. orks started to turn around, realizing that a threat was posed to their back. Shrike fought with the anger of million mortal men, and the skill of a Primarch. He ducked, dogged, weaved, and bobbed, jabbing, slicing, gutting, and beheading. None could stay his wrath. Soon, he found himself alone in the trench. He looked around.

"Harandis?" he called. He received no answer. He tried vox, but all he received was the crackle of static. He turned, ready to boost to the end of the trench, presuming that Harandis had seen no need to remain and help his Captain, and gone to help his brothers as they attempted to breach the inner sanctum of the ork base. Then his eyes fell upon a most gruesome sight. He staggered and fell to his knees. He tore of his helmet, tears of anger and pain rolling down his face. His roar of pain could be heard planet-wide.

 

Please comment!

 

Dominicus

[Dominicus]

No comments at all? Really? Pleas comment, I want to make this story better. I see all the views, I know your reading this!!!!!

 

 

Dominicus

[Dominicus]

Chapter 3 preview:

The Shadow Captain staggered towards the body of Harandis. It had been shredded in the final moments of the assault. His arms had been torn off, the ceramite that protected them laying heaped beside his mangled form. Shrike heard a munching sound, and turned to see two orks gnawing on the bones of his fallen comrade. Shrike slammed his helmet into place, his forget hissing as it locked itself air-tight. His Raven's Talons slid from their cover, and he fell upon the orks that dared to defile his brothers' bones with a hateful scream.

 

 

Feedback, please!

 

 

Dominicus

[Culebras]

some general comments to improve your writing style

 

-re-read your work carefully and read it aloud. There are several jarring sentences where you say the same thing twice or a spelling error draws the reader out of the story. drawing the reader into a story is one of the best ways to make them enjoy it.

 

-Keep your sentences concise and focused. Don't try and pack too much information into them.

 

-Show, don't tell: Avoid explaining things to the reader and instead use description to instead of saying this-

 

"Orks, being to dense to retain any tactical sense, with the exception or Warbosses, had emptied all of their clips at the same, leaving a large gap in between the time that they reloaded, racked a round into the chamber, and fired again."

 

say something like. "The trench smoked as a rain of poorly aimed bullets stitched holes in every flat surface. The Orks, cackling loudly, ignored the clattering of their own jamming weapons, held down the trigger long after their clips had run dry. Banging a fist on the depleted weapon, the bloodthirsty xeno's didn't see Shrike's charge until it was too late."

 

Admittedly not one of my best sentences, but as you see, I never said anything about the Orks being tactically dumb. The reader can infer that from the way they behave.

 

-Use sensory description to assist your story telling and draw the reader into Shrike. How do the orks smell? is the air acrid with the smoke of their weapons. What does their blood feel like on his skin? does it burn, is it slimy, greasy? does the roar of the ork make the earth shake, does it echo? how does holding a bolter in your hand feel? a lightning claw? does it vibrate and buck like a caged beast, does it hum like a predatory cat. Description can be a great way to ad, but don't overdo. you have good action so far, so don't o too far the other way

 

-avoid this "Squads Versailles and Higgs." Higgs does not have the gothic element you are looking for and versailles doesn't feel right. choose names that reflect the dark, archaic environment.

 

-Sarcasm does not become a space marine, even though I too wish they were more fun. Space Marines are intended to be questing knights and should never use sarcasm or conjugations (say do not, instead of Don't, will not instead of Won't). Instead of sarcasm, you can simply have him swear silently or grimace. Makes him feel more like a dark warrior, come from the shadows to claim his enemies life.

 

 

Keep up the good work. You have a good idea to start from and the hardest thing you can do is put your work out for stranger to critique. I look forward to the next chapter.

[Dominicus]

Thanks for the feedback Culebras. I'll definitely try to incorporate all of that into my writing style. Next chapter will probably be up tomorrow morning sometime, time permitting.

 

Keep the feedback coming! Everything helps!

 

Dominicus