Blackwyvern Posted March 13, 2011 Share Posted March 13, 2011 Angron sat in the darkness, his breathing unheard by all save himself. As the Conqueror drifted through the empyream to rendevous with the luna wolves in dealing with the aurelian technocracy, he breathed deeply trying to meditate and ponder his origins. Although he remebered little beyond his days at the gladiator school occasionaly he saw glimpses of a time before them. They were dark flashes of gore and bloodshed and of a figure upon a bronze throne atop amountain of skulls chuckling darkly. As he strained to look into the past he suddenly saw a face that looked so very like his own but twisted in a snarl of indescribable rage. He saw a face that seemed to be sculbted from china, carved with alien runes with it's lips drawn back in a snarl of rage. As it swung an incredibly delicate blade at him he ducked beneath it and launched himself at the alien. With a terrible roar he tackled it to the ground and he began to bite and beat it to death as he did so he heard a voice that sounded so like his name. "Angron" it whispered "Angron". With a gasp he woke to see Captain Khârn before him "Sire" said Khârn "we are soon to leave the empyream and the Captain requests you lock yourself in place." Angron nodded,still disturbed by what he had seen. As he headed for his chambers he pondered who the dark figure that tormented him through his dreams was. it seemed to have a likeness to the emperor but Angron knew it was not. for the Emperor, flawed though he was whatever fulgrim and his pretty boys might say, was a glorious figure of golden light, not some monster that slaughtered for the pleasure of it. When he reached the observation deck he sat on his throne and pulled the safety harness about himself. he closed his eyes not willing to open them till they had left this terrible realm. as the ship gradually pulled through the rift to real space the geller feilds flickered for just a second and angron heard the dark, menacing voice call his name. And he felt an uncontrolable rage wrack his soul and then blackness... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blackwyvern Posted March 14, 2011 Author Share Posted March 14, 2011 some replies, good or bad, would be nice :) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blackwyvern Posted March 15, 2011 Author Share Posted March 15, 2011 I'll try and write some more soon. for those of you who are wondering this only the first part. :D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hushrong Posted March 16, 2011 Share Posted March 16, 2011 Never thought of Angron as one who would meditate :) Although he remebered little beyond his days at the gladiator school occasionaly he saw glimpses of a time before them. They were dark flashes of gore and bloodshed and of a figure upon a bronze throne atop amountain of skulls chuckling darkly. As he strained to look into the past he suddenly saw a face that looked so very like his own but twisted in a snarl of indescribable rage. He saw a face that seemed to be sculbted from china, carved with alien runes with it's lips drawn back in a snarl of rage. As it swung an incredibly delicate blade at him he ducked beneath it and launched himself at the alien. With a terrible roar he tackled it to the ground and he began to bite and beat it to death as he did so he heard a voice that sounded so like his name. "Angron" it whispered "Angron". With a gasp he woke to see Captain Khârn before him "Sire" said Khârn "we are soon to leave the empyream and the Captain requests you lock yourself in place." Angron nodded,still disturbed by what he had seen. As he headed for his chambers he pondered who the dark figure that tormented him through his dreams was. it seemed to have a likeness to the emperor but Angron knew it was not. for the Emperor, flawed though he was whatever fulgrim and his pretty boys might say, was a glorious figure of golden light, not some monster that slaughtered for the pleasure of it. When he reached the observation deck he sat on his throne and pulled the safety harness about himself. he closed his eyes not willing to open them till they had left this terrible realm. as the ship gradually pulled through the rift to real space the geller feilds flickered for just a second and angron heard the dark, menacing voice call his name. And he felt an uncontrolable rage wrack his soul and then blackness... Some spelling errors here an there and a change of location (underlined). I do not know too much about Angron except the basics but I do not know what to make of this. Meditating and seeing images is something I'd associate with a sorcerer/Tzeentch follower. Curious as to what makes him have these visions. Also, can I ask why he needs to strap in to his throne? Interested in seeing where this goes! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blackwyvern Posted March 16, 2011 Author Share Posted March 16, 2011 I think that angron was always thought of as turning to chaos just because Horus told him to. I thought that he should have something more in the way he turned from the emperor. And he needed to strap in to avoid being thrown around during the transition. (I got this bit fromk the way Ragnar has to sttrap in during warp translation in Grey Hunter) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blackwyvern Posted March 16, 2011 Author Share Posted March 16, 2011 Ok heres the next part hope you enjoy :P The red mist gradually cleared from nis mind and he looked in horror at the damage his fury had wrought. Across the deck were the bodies of the small amount of remembrancers attched to the XII legion ripped and shredded beyond recognition. The bodies of his veterans lay closer to hand, they had died attempting to bring the primarch out of his blood craze. Khârn looked at Angron horror plain on the face of the captian. Angron stared at his bloody hands and felt nothing, no horror but nor any joy such as he felt when he was fighting the enemy. As he walked out in a dazed trance he heard something on the edge of his hearing"Angron" chuckled a dark voice "You are mine." but Angron felt some smal fragment of memory rebel and he looked inward to see what it was. He saw the memory of when he had first tasted freedom from the slavemasters. Of when he had been his own master. And from that he drew strength. He was Angron, a primarch, sonof the Emperor of mankind and he knew no master save the Warmaster Horus or the Emperor himself. As he brought himself back to reality, the full force of what he had done in one mindless act of brutality smashed in to him with the force of an autocannon round. He felt nothing save shame and a gnawing guilt that he had let his temparement slip to the level he showed his brothers. And in the corners of his vision he saw an endless plain of skulls and on the edge of his hearing he heard a dark mirthless chuckle... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Crimson Fisting Posted March 16, 2011 Share Posted March 16, 2011 Poorly written. Grammatical errors. Spelling mistakes. Run-on sentences. Too many unecessary adjectives in places. Thoughts that sound more like the voice of the author rather than the voice of the character (ie: Referring to the Emperor's Children as pretty boys. While this is how Angron would view them, I think you should come up with a more fitting phrase). 2/10 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blackwyvern Posted March 17, 2011 Author Share Posted March 17, 2011 Ok heres the third part... Enjoy :P His depleted army was backed agaisnt the cliff, the royalists steadily advancing towards them. Of all his regrets it was perhaps the fact that he would know his Father, but the choice had always been clear to him. He would fight beside his brothers till death claimed his soul for its own. A distant horn rang out and with a cry the calvalry charged. The half a dozen gladiators left steadied themselves to receive the charge and Angron stood at the fore a terrifying figure covered in blood with only a few rags to protect against the chill ocean breeze blowing up from below. He felt the aggresion enhancers begin to cycle up to speed and he felt his concerns slip away in the red tide of rage. With a terrible cry he leaped at the first cavalier loping his head from his shoulders with one swing of his axe. As he charged further into the ranks he received small cuts but they were of know concern to him, for the bloodthirst had well and truly taken him now. Killing the swathes of soldiers they sent to anihilate the last gladiators angron suddenly saw a banner flying high and with a great blast from a warhorn the King arrived. A circle cleared but Angron paid no heed, with a bellow so loud it was heard even over the warhorns he lept at the King. But this rask move had been expected and with a strangled gasp he saw the sword he was about to impale himself on. Suddenly there was a deep bass noise and he was in a metal room filled with weird and wonderful peices of technology. then a section of wall slid aside and he stepped in to a room filled with vast bleeping and flashing benches. On the wall was some sort of window and what was through it turned Angrons' blood to ice. The last 8 of his warriors were stood back to back surrounded bu the enemy and though they fought with untold savagery one by one they slipped into the world beyond. a rasp rose from his throat and he felt fury beyond any he had ever known. With a roar of insatiable rage he charged at the nearest bench intent only on killing and destroying these treacherous villains for what they had done to him. but as he reached down to tear the head from a cowering woman a fist slammed intohis head so hard he felt the black shroud of unconsciousness close in. The last thing he saw before the darkness claimed him was a dark figure chuckling quietly. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Regem Nox Posted June 6, 2011 Share Posted June 6, 2011 Good. definitely better than i could ever do :teehee: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pavement Artist Posted June 6, 2011 Share Posted June 6, 2011 It's good. But i would recommend a brief read through of your stuff before you post. If you're typing these stories out in a word processor program like Works or open office, they'll do the legwork for you in terms of picking out the spelling errors. Even if you're typing it out fresh onto here, consider copying and pasting the story into open office prior to posting, just so it irons out any spelling errors. Sorry to rag on such a trivial matter but grammatical and spelling errors really do disrupt the flow of the story for anyone reading. Once that's out of the way, we can focus on criticizing the actual narrative content. Which i'm sure is what you want :) I like it so far. Aside from the spelling and grammatical hiccups that have been touched upon, i think crimson fisting is being a tad unfair. With the greatest of respects, it's very easy to criticize, far more so than actually producing writing of your own. He has touched upon some good points however so we shall try and steer things into calmer seas. 1.) Run on sentences- Crimson has mentioned this previously. It is a concern for your audience as you have to consider the flow of your story as it's being read. Sentences that seem to trip over each other and meld into the next, disrupts the rhythm of the piece and pulls us out of the story. Again, this is something that a quick check on a word processor program can fix. Word tends to pick up sentence fragments reliably. After you've finished writing the piece, just give it a quick read through, approach it like you would a new novel. Does it flow properly? Are there any parts that don't sound natural? 2.) Adjectives ahoy!- It's always nice to add a bit of flair and a sense of the poetic to your writing. There is, however, a point where it becomes a bit much. This is something i was guilty of back in my younger days, making things a bit too flowery and needlessly descriptive. Sometimes, less really is more. Particularly in battle scenes. I find an economy of language helps in scenes of conflict. The language and pace should help convey a sense of the ebb and flow of the fight- too much descriptive language and things end up needlessly drawn out. Keep the metaphor for the down time. Give us nice, punchy battle scenes. 3.) MOAR- For the love of the Throne, please post longer pieces. I understand this is a free time thing, but it is very difficult to offer proper criticism when the story is being given to us in teeeeeny bitesize chunks. Lord knows i'm not quicksilver like with my updates but at least give us a bit to digest. I copy and pasted your first post into open office and it's barely half a page when i change the font to courier new (and courier new is generously proportioned, like the Christina Hendricks of fonts.) In the kindest possible way, that isn't enough. Try at least two pages before posting, see where you can go with the story. It shows promise, but things barely get started before it's over. In conclusion, i like it. Things show promise and you're writing about a primarch that hasn't had a lot of love fluff wise, so there is ground to be broken here. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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