Regem Nox Posted May 11, 2011 Share Posted May 11, 2011 my first story, hope you like, criticisms welcome. Hand of medusa Iron captain leonato Ferro painted the haft of his axe with the brain matter of the noise marine, a gurgle escaped the throat of the dying filth and Ferro gave a grunt of satisfaction as another traitor was removed from the face of the galaxy. The Iron Hands of clan Helgar had come to axor at a mysterious request from the high adept of the mechanicum who was in charge of this planets forges. Axor, a sparsely populated world with only two hives and a forge-city, was unremarkable except for the fact that the forge that the Iron Hands now fought for their lives in was the main supplier of clan Helgars bolt shells. Unfortunately the Iron Hands had arrived to find this massive manufactory complex already overrun by a war band of their most hated foes, the emperors children. The 60 iron hands had formed a ring around the statue of the omnissiah that they had been drawn to and ambushed at. A hideous high pitched whine assaulted Ferro’s ears as the noise marines broke into a charge. His attention was disrupted however, by a swarm of raptors that swooped towards his command squad, the morlock guard. At the head of the raptors Ferro could make out an imposing figure, clearly the leader, with a single thought his jump pack roared into life and he shot upwards and into the enemy champion, he did not see his command squad engage the rest as he swept upwards, entangled with the enemy. With a punch of his power fist, he pushed the enemy away and landed atop the statues head. The champion of slaanesh did the same, albeit with more grace than the bulky iron hand and a point of his curved sword signalled the enemy’s intent. With a roar Ferro lurched into combat and with a swing of his axe he crashed into his opponent, he missed with his Axe strike so he aimed a punch at the filthy traitor, but the emperors child dogged with a twist of his body and plunged his sword into Ferro’s shoulder. with a grunt of pain, Leonato spun his axe and decapitated the champion of slaanesh. Then, catching the head he hefted it up for all to see and threw it at the horde of chaos marines below, at the sight of their dead leader they broke and ran, “Ferro Furor, VICTORIA!” roared ferro as he looked down on a job well done… short I know, and it was late so I didn't finish the story to the best of my ability. should I become an author? :lol: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Yaj Posted May 13, 2011 Share Posted May 13, 2011 Hand of medusa Title, good no problems Iron captain leonato Ferro painted the haft of his axe with the brain matter of the noise marine, a gurgle escaped the throat of the dying filth and Ferro gave a grunt of satisfaction as another traitor was removed from the face of the galaxy. The Iron Hands of clan Helgar had come to axor at a mysterious request from the high adept of the mechanicum who was in charge of this planets forges. Axor, a sparsely populated world with only two hives and a forge-city, was unremarkable except for the fact that the forge that the Iron Hands now fought for their lives in was the main supplier of clan Helgars bolt shells. Unfortunately the Iron Hands had arrived to find this massive manufactory complex already overrun by a war band of their most hated foes, the emperors children. Are you going to expand on the 'mysterious request'? Also do sparsely populated worlds normally have hives? is there a reason why a hive-world of the mechanicum is so under-populated? The 60 iron hands had formed a ring around the statue of the omnissiah that they had been drawn to and ambushed at. A hideous high pitched whine assaulted Ferro’s ears as the noise marines broke into a charge. His attention was disrupted however, by a swarm of raptors that swooped towards his command squad, the morlock guard. At the head of the raptors Ferro could make out an imposing figure, clearly the leader, with a single thought his jump pack roared into life and he shot upwards and into the enemy champion, he did not see his command squad engage the rest as he swept upwards, entangled with the enemy. With a punch of his power fist, he pushed the enemy away and landed atop the statues head. The champion of slaanesh did the same, albeit with more grace than the bulky iron hand and a point of his curved sword signalled the enemy’s intent. With a roar Ferro lurched into combat and with a swing of his axe he crashed into his opponent, he missed with his Axe strike so he aimed a punch at the filthy traitor, but the emperors child dogged with a twist of his body and plunged his sword into Ferro’s shoulder. with a grunt of pain, Leonato spun his axe and decapitated the champion of slaanesh. Then, catching the head he hefted it up for all to see and threw it at the horde of chaos marines below, at the sight of their dead leader they broke and ran, “Ferro Furor, VICTORIA!” roared ferro as he looked down on a job well done… Not sure about some parts. Especially 'punch of power fist' as that would probably kill the EC champion straight off. Perhaps you could explain that the EC champion has some fell daemonic shield or is able to shrug of mortal blows as if they're rain. I also find the fight to be over to quick. When (or if) you decided to expand it perhaps increase this and possibly leave the EC champion fleeing to lick his wounds. This would give you a nice nemesis for Ferro to go up against. Hope that helps. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Regem Nox Posted May 13, 2011 Author Share Posted May 13, 2011 thanks Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Regem Nox Posted May 13, 2011 Author Share Posted May 13, 2011 just what i was looking for, thanks. I do tend to struggle when writing story's as i have a very short attention span. :) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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