strongbow Posted July 7, 2011 Share Posted July 7, 2011 Hi guys, I've got another short story here based on my own chapter, the Knights of the Phoenix. I'm taking part in the liber campaign and this is a short detail from some of my chapter's involvements. The date for the event is a bit sketchy and may not be accurate with the campaign (but it's a WIP so it may be right). Thanks for reading! ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Quarantined World Phrobus – 863 M35 The air reeked with the stench of death and filth as Sergeant Raoul cut down his foe with a vicious blast of bolt shells. The hideous monstrosities created by the rogue elements of the Adeptus Biologos had swamped this sector of tunnels and his squad was given the holy task of cleansing the area of their contamination. At this stage of the disastrous Kuis campaign, he had lost two great brothers to the enemy. Eight Knights of Ibelin remained in his squad in this rank, dirty and long forgotten hole. The labyrinth that was the facility they were fighting inch by inch to secure had meant they were fighting dismounted from their steeds. Their bikes remained on the Emperor’s Pennon, far from here. He and his men felt claustrophobic without them in an open field, let alone in this dark tube. The zombies continued to rush at them in waves and waves of soulless and automated attacks. Their very existence was blasphemy, and Raoul intended to destroy every last one. Despite the noblest of efforts his squad had become bogged down by the hordes that opposed them, with each shambling, reanimated corpse they felled replaced with two more. Ammunition was running scarce, but the Knights held firm. The squad had been stopped in their advance in a bend in the tunnels. Raoul had stationed two of his men, brothers Francois and Yannick at the rear to ensure their protection. After several minutes the firing stopped. No more zombies approached the disciplined line of warriors. The heavy bolter of Brother Henri glowed red with the ceasless rapid fire by its carrier, the soul of even the weapon was enraged by the creatures’ offensiveness. Brother Henri generously pured water over the burning weapon, eager to maintain its usability in the event of the zombies’ reappearance. Raoul laughed. “Knights, even the foulest of the enemies of the Emperor have been defeated! By your courage, honour and righteous hatred we have smote his foes and now we will take the fight to them!” He ordered the advance at a quick pace through the winding tunnels. With a grim pride he hacked down one or two remaining zombies with his power axe. Behind him, brothers Paul and Jean hosed the broken bodies of the destroyed zombies with holy fire, their flamers searing all evidence of the monsters’ existence from the world. Elated by the empty tunnels and the great display by his Knights, Raoul quickened the pace of the advance. Before he could realise what was happening, a huge monster burst through the walls of the tunnel to his right. The monster burst through the strong steel walls apparently without effort, its bloated bulk giving it an unnatural strength. It knocked Raoul aside like a rag doll. The monster was eleven feet tall, its features twisted into a hideously disgusting smile. Its body contorted and Raoul could see the body parts of several experiments sewn into its frame. A score of eyes riddled its swollen body, and several additional and non-functional limbs poked out from its bulk in random directions. It giggled manically as it tore brother Louis apart, turning the upper part of the poor Knight’s body above its head and letting the internal organs of the warrior slide down its throat. Its already horrific stench was magnified as more zombies appeared through the gap it made in the tunnel walls as well as from behind the Knights. What bolter rounds they had put in its body having little to no effect. The Knights fought desperately to preserve themselves and their injured sergeant. After ten seconds Raoul opened his eyes to see the carnage around. He saw the few remains of brother Louis scattered on the floor next to him as his warriors battled on with the zombies and this new monster. Bursts of flame filled the air along with desperate bursts of bolter fire to keep all at bay. He staggered slowly onto his feet. Next to his feet his weapons lay on the floor. They thirsted for the foe. He picked them up gently and felt their weight in his powerful hands. He looked at the large creature. “FOR THE EMPEROR!” he yelled, and began to run at the huge creature. He cut down a stray zombie on his approach before tearing the blade of his axe through the side of the monster. It screamed in agony as a torrent of rotten bile flooded Raoul’s visor and the floor around him. Zombie and space marine alike slipped on the toxic ooze which seared armour and flesh alike. Even the plagued forms of the zombies were not immune to its toxic effects, literally collapsing as their legs disintegrated beneath them. The respite from the zombies allowed the Knights to redouble their efforts against the large creature, whose gaping wound was already beginning to heal itself by some unholy means. Raoul ordered it to be purged. Paul and Jean brought their flamers to bear against it, smothering the creature with surges of lethal promethium. Raoul added to this, emptying the fuel cell of his combi flamer into what remained of the axe wound at point blank range. The barrel of the weapon was embedded inside the monster when he began firing his bolter at fully automatic. Several large flashes erupted from within the monster, revealing the semi-translucent nature of its flesh. It writhed in agony from the internal explosions and the searing heat from the flamers. Its scream was piercing, drowning out the sound of the weapons fire around it before it finally exploded; corroding ooze filled the area everywhere for nearly fifteen metres and knocked several Knights off their feet. Upon defeating the monster the zombies seemed to lose focus. Many stopped fighting altogether, bouncing off walls and marines alike before being blown apart by the vengeful warriors. As the last zombie was slain Sergeant Raoul looked around. The bodies of brothers Louis and Yannick lay in the filth, the indignity of their death in this Emperor-forsaken hell-hole filled him with disgust and rage. He wasn’t sure who hated more at this point, the enemy or the incompetence of his Chapter Master. He ordered the remains of his dead brothers to be picked up by the remaining men, each one’s armour seared of its House colours and suffering extensive damage. “Burn this filth.” He uttered, his quiet voice filled with solemnity and silent anger. “I’m out of promethium, Sergeant” said Paul. “As am I” added Jean. “Then we shall return to purge this all, brothers” Raoul said, looking at each in the visor. “We will not let the deaths of our glorious brothers be in vain.” Without another word he began the advance back to the House of Ibelin’s temporary base on the edge of the facility. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Thanks again :). Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Taranis Posted July 12, 2011 Share Posted July 12, 2011 Good story so far....... and if you didn't catch the hint. :lol: MORE PLEASE! :lol: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
strongbow Posted July 13, 2011 Author Share Posted July 13, 2011 I'm afraid this is a stand alone short. There is another short based on the same chapter you can read should you want to though ;). I expect that I'll write more shorts based around the Liber campaign though at some point. Thanks very much for reading! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
voi shet magir Posted July 14, 2011 Share Posted July 14, 2011 What does this story mean? None of the events seem to have consequences, none of the characters have to adapt to events. Raoul laughed. “Knights, even the foulest of the enemies of the Emperor have been defeated! By your courage, honour and righteous hatred we have smote his foes and now we will take the fight to them!” He ordered the advance at a quick pace through the winding tunnels. With a grim pride he hacked down one or two remaining zombies with his power axe. Behind him, brothers Paul and Jean hosed the broken bodies of the destroyed zombies with holy fire, their flamers searing all evidence of the monsters’ existence from the world. ---- “Burn this filth.” He uttered, his quiet voice filled with solemnity and silent anger. “I’m out of promethium, Sergeant” said Paul. “As am I” added Jean. “Then we shall return to purge this all, brothers” Raoul said, looking at each in the visor. “We will not let the deaths of our glorious brothers be in vain.” This is boring Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
strongbow Posted July 14, 2011 Author Share Posted July 14, 2011 It's just an event within what will be the long story of the Liber campaign. It's in the 'Liber Astartes' board if you haven't heard of it. It isn't really meant to tie in to anything specific, it's just how I vision part of the fighting at this stage of the campaign for my chapter. I'm not really sure if they're meant to have consequences, it's just a snippet view of some of the fighting. I'm not really trying to develop character here. However I do see what you mean with the fact that they don't have to adapt. The big beastie could require more effort to bring down. It doesn't really look like they've struggled too much. Fair enough you have those opinions - but do you have any suggestions? How do I make that section not boring? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
voi shet magir Posted July 14, 2011 Share Posted July 14, 2011 The only advice there is: delete unnecessary words. “Then we shall return to purge this all, brothers” Raoul said, looking at each in the visor. “We will not let the deaths of our glorious brothers be in vain.” The immediately superfluous clause is "in the visor." Without it, "Looking at each" is still not content-dense. You want to say somehow that the squad will return, but choosing dialogue over narration has no value. You could have written that "Raoul and his squad proceeded to purge zombies on the planet Phrobus." Instead, you wrote nine paragraphs. What went wrong? Ok, you just did it for color, and I am making pretentious demands. Even so, the dialogue contributes nothing. It fails to contribute in multiple ways. It does not mean anything to the other characters, which is what I meant by "adapt," since it prompted no choices on their part. It does not tell the reader about the action, and it does not tell the reader about Raoul. The dialogue tells nobody about anything. A creative writing MFA told me once about how more dialogue is better, but she was thinking of dialogue about growing up in a multiracial household or liking boys or finding her bliss. If this is action packed color text, then pack it with action. oh yes, action. "for the emperor he yelled" is silly. The actual details of action seem improvised (or random). "He cut down a stray zombie on his approach " would be more useful if the zombie were the stray zombie were impeding his charge and Raoul's reaching the monster were particularly urgent. Now, he just kills a zombie. I do like that the story is not completely open-ended or winding. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
strongbow Posted July 16, 2011 Author Share Posted July 16, 2011 So bottom line is scrap the speech? I can see what you mean by the urgency thing. I'm thinking I need to expand on the desperation of the situation. Raoul could maybe see Yannick get killed by the monster and see the other marines in hand to hand combat, barely keeping from being overwhelmed. He knows he has to bring down the big monster if they've any chance of survival and rushes towards it. "For the Emperor" may be a bit corny. I'm thinking at best he should grit his teeth, growl (for want of a better word) and then charge in. I'm not sure if he should be screaming/yelling as he charges in or not. When it comes to stray zombies getting in his way, would it require more subtlety than just saying something like "as he approached some of the zombies threatened to impede his advance. With no time to spare he hacked them down, not losing any momentum" - or something to that effect? Thanks for the tips Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chapter Master Ignis Domus Posted July 16, 2011 Share Posted July 16, 2011 CMID to the rescue! [Engage superman theme] Think of this not as a short story, but rather one of those short short stories scattered among the IA books. They're not meant to have much plot or character development, just show you what's going on in the battle. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
strongbow Posted July 16, 2011 Author Share Posted July 16, 2011 Cheers matey :rolleyes: Yeah that's what it is exactly. They don't have them so much (actually they don't write them at all now which is a real shame), but the older codices and army books used to have lots of them. As an example see page 4 of the 3rd edition Codex: Space Marines (the one with the Crimson Fists on the front) if you can. There's a short there which is a stand alone piece of fiction describing a single encounter. There are also some on pages 2 and 16 of the 4th edition Codex: Space Marines. Don't get me wrong, the criticism and tips are good, this is just to make sure you know what I'm trying to do with this as well as what I'm not. This is a kind of short where character development isn't necessary. Again though, I still appreciate the other critique. Based on that I could make more effort in the text to describe the battlefield and detail it more. I want it to be claustrophobic. I think it perhaps could use more of that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Yaj Posted July 18, 2011 Share Posted July 18, 2011 When it comes to stray zombies getting in his way, would it require more subtlety than just saying something like "as he approached some of the zombies threatened to impede his advance. With no time to spare he hacked them down, not losing any momentum" - or something to that effect? May I suggest something along lines the following..? A small group of zombies, perhaps understanding on some level his intent, attempted to block his path. Raoul however would not be denied! Cutting them down with barely a pause. With a wordless cry echoing his hate the sgt charged the vile creature punching his axe through the monsters side.... or On some level the creature knew it's death approached. In panic began scooping up stray zombies in its claws and hurling them at the rapidly approaching marine. Raoul was filled with righeous anger and would not be denied! hacking down the last of the monster's 'shields' Raoul charged.... Also I don't think it's nessecary to know how long Raoul was out for when the monster first attacked. It isn't really meant to tie in to anything specific, it's just how I vision part of the fighting at this stage of the campaign for my chapter.I'm not really sure if they're meant to have consequences, it's just a snippet view of some of the fighting. I'm not really trying to develop character here You really should. Characters are what drive the story! Even if your only writing of your chapters exploits in an IA campaign I would advise some character development. If you don't then you risk the story becoming - Space Marine's fight battle...marines win - which in all honesty becomes boring no matter how descriptive you are of said battle. Well that's my opinion(s) anyway. I look forward to reading more. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chapter Master Ignis Domus Posted July 18, 2011 Share Posted July 18, 2011 A short extract from one: http://i1086.photobucket.com/albums/j448/Dyingdutchman2/Screenshot2011-07-18at90907AM.png Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
strongbow Posted July 18, 2011 Author Share Posted July 18, 2011 Thanks for the comments Yaj! As CMID has posted, that's what I'm really trying to go for. It really is not meant to be any more than that. That's not to say one day I won't expand on this particular squad but it won't be happening in this particular piece. I'm happy to admit that what I've written may not be as good as what CMID has posted though :devil:. Again thanks for the comments, I'm still currently thinking about how to word the changes exactly. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Yaj Posted July 19, 2011 Share Posted July 19, 2011 Fair enough. Perhaps you could add some throw away lines with which you could then expand on later. You've got one already in 'great brothers' at the start that could be looked at in further detail if you choose to do so later in a seperate story. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
strongbow Posted July 25, 2011 Author Share Posted July 25, 2011 Ok, finally made some of the recommended changes. Probably would need a major overhaul, but some of the more glaring things are gone. Still some speech there, but got rid of some of the later stuff that seemed to be a lot more problematic. -------------------------------------------------------------------------- The air reeked with the stench of death and filth as Sergeant Raoul cut down his foe with a vicious blast of bolt shells. The hideous monstrosities created by the rogue elements of the Adeptus Biologos had swamped this sector of tunnels and his squad was given the holy task of cleansing the area of their contamination. At this stage of the disastrous Kuis campaign, he had lost two great brothers to the enemy. Eight Knights of Ibelin remained in his squad in this rank, dirty and long forgotten hole. The labyrinth that was the facility they were fighting inch by inch to secure had meant they were fighting dismounted from their steeds. Their bikes remained on the Emperor’s Pennon, far from here. He and his men felt claustrophobic without them in an open field, let alone in this dark tube. The zombies continued to rush at them in waves and waves of soulless and automated attacks. Their very existence was blasphemy, and Raoul intended to destroy every last one. Despite the noblest of efforts his squad had become bogged down by the hordes that opposed them, with each shambling, reanimated corpse they felled replaced with two more. Ammunition was running scarce, but the Knights held firm. The squad had been stopped in their advance in a bend in the tunnels. Raoul had stationed two of his men, brothers Francois and Yannick at the rear to ensure their protection. After several minutes the firing stopped. No more zombies approached the disciplined line of warriors. The heavy bolter of Brother Henri glowed red with the ceasless rapid fire by its carrier, the soul of even the weapon was enraged by the creatures’ offensiveness. Brother Henri generously poured water over the burning weapon, eager to maintain its usability in the event of the zombies’ reappearance. Raoul laughed. “Knights, even the foulest of the enemies of the Emperor have been defeated! By your courage, honour and righteous hatred we have smote his foes and now we will take the fight to them!” He ordered the advance at a quick pace through the winding tunnels. With a grim pride he hacked down one or two remaining zombies with his power axe. Behind him, brothers Paul and Jean hosed the broken bodies of the destroyed zombies with holy fire, their flamers searing all evidence of the monsters’ existence from the world. Elated by the empty tunnels and the great display by his Knights, Raoul quickened the pace of the advance. Before he could realise what was happening, a huge monster burst through the walls of the tunnel to his right. The monster tore through the strong steel walls apparently without effort, its bloated bulk giving it an unnatural strength. It knocked Raoul aside like a rag doll. The monster was eleven feet tall, its features twisted into a hideously disgusting smile. Its body contorted and Raoul could see the body parts of several experiments sewn into its frame. A score of eyes riddled its swollen body, and several additional and non-functional limbs poked out from its bulk in random directions. It giggled manically as it tore brother Louis apart, turning the upper part of the poor Knight’s body above its head and letting the internal organs of the warrior slide down its throat. Its already horrific stench was magnified as more zombies appeared through the gap it made in the tunnel walls. What bolter rounds they had put in its body had little to no effect. The Knights fought desperately to preserve themselves and their injured sergeant. After ten seconds Raoul opened his eyes to see the carnage around. He saw the few remains of brother Louis scattered on the floor next to him as his warriors battled on with the zombies and this new monster. Bursts of flame filled the air along with desperate bursts of bolter fire to keep all at bay. He staggered slowly onto his feet. Next to his feet his weapons lay on the floor. They thirsted for the foe. He picked them up gently and felt their weight in his powerful hands. He looked on in horror as the creature ripped Brother Yannick limb from limb. Wracked by rage at the loss of his comrade and seeing the monster begin to approach another warrior, Raoul gritted his teeth and ignited his power axe, roaring as he charged the creature. The other zombies seemed to sense his attentions, and several turned to face the new threat hurtling towards the fight. He hacked them aside with barely a glance, their feeble attempts to stop him nothing before his determination. He swung his axe in a deadly horizontal axe, tearing through the side of the monster. It screamed in agony as a torrent of rotten bile flooded Raoul’s visor and the floor around him. Zombie and space marine alike slipped on the toxic ooze which seared armour and flesh. Even the plagued forms of the zombies were not immune to its toxic effects, collapsing as their legs disintegrated beneath them. The respite from the zombies allowed the Knights to redouble their efforts against the large creature, whose gaping wound was already beginning to heal itself by some unholy means. Raoul ordered it to be purged. Paul and Jean brought their flamers to bear against it, smothering the creature with surges of lethal promethium. Raoul added to this, emptying the fuel cell of his combi flamer into what remained of the axe wound at point blank range. The barrel of the weapon was embedded inside the monster when he began firing his bolter at fully automatic. Several large flashes erupted from within the monster, revealing the semi-translucent nature of its flesh. It writhed in agony from the internal explosions and the searing heat from the flamers. Its scream was piercing, drowning out the sound of the weapons fire around it before it finally exploded; corroding ooze filled the area everywhere for nearly fifteen metres and knocked several Knights off their feet. Upon defeating the monster the zombies seemed to lose focus. Many stopped fighting altogether, bouncing off walls and marines alike before being struck down by the vengeful warriors, most of whom had had to withdraw combat blades in the intense fight. As the last zombie was slain Sergeant Raoul looked around. The bodies of brothers Louis and Yannick lay in the filth, the indignity of their death in this Emperor-forsaken hell-hole filled him with disgust and rage. He wasn’t sure who hated more at this point, the enemy or the incompetence of his Chapter Master. He ordered the remains of his dead brothers to be collected by the remaining men, each one’s armour seared of its House colours and suffering extensive damage. Raoul vowed silently to himself that revenge would be gained for the losses dishonour inflicted upon them this day. ---------------------------------------------------- Cheers Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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