Bahltimyr Reavers - Redux

[Aqui]

Before I go into the two posts below, I'd like to state quite clearly - if there ever was a prime example of an edit to an IA that, in hindsight has so many mistakes, omissions, and confusing layout, then this is it   Never edit something when it's late, you're tired and have far too many things on your mind.  Anyway...

 

To avoid trying to multi quote I'll simply post in Green

 

Origins

Official Imperial records state that the Chapter known as the Bahltimyr Rayvens was one of many Chapters created during the Cursed 21st Founding. Many regarded the use of Raven Guard gene-seed as an unwise move, but the "improvements"(are these improvements results of 21st experimentation?) made to it seemed to make it viable again. An unofficial source stated that the Chapter Master of the Raven Guard was horrified(maybe appalled? Horrified doesn't sound like an Astartes) by the decision, and stated simply that "No good would come of it", and that the Raven Guard would have nothing to do with it's sibling(successor might be better) Chapter under any circumstances, despite the seeming stability of the modifications.
 

The improvements were basically stabilisation of the Raven Guard Geneseed (no random mutations that they suffered because of Corax's desperate meddling) in the same way that the Lamenters were seemingly "stabilised".  No "extra powers".  Appalled seems better in hind sight.  Other comments I agree with and will be amended soon.

Nevertheless, the go ahead was given and the Bahltimyr Rayvens were born.
 
The first action undertaken by the Rayvens was that of destroying an Ork Waagh! on Bohkmor. Whilst successful, it was a long drawn out campaign, resulting in significant losses. The Rayvens went home to Bahltimyr to restock and recruit, which due to the small population, took longer than hoped. This took it's toll on the mindset of many Marines in the Chapter, who were desperate to prove themselves worthy and redeem themselves in the eyes of their Parent Chapter.(We would benefit from more detail on this changing mindset. Were they just restless, or did they become volatile? Did they begin to wear at the patience of their homeworld?)

 

I've been thinking about this and I think that they were told outright by the Raven Guard - you're cursed, and we have no intention of ever having dealings with you.  The changing mindset was slow to begin with, as the Ravens (I've decided to change the spelling despite some personal reasons) originally saw this as a challenge - to prove to their parent Chapter that they are worthy of their respect.  But over the centuries, nothing they did was "good" enough, never saw them gain the respect they felt they were due, and it grated on their collective viewpoint.  They felt that they were a mistake even though at the time they were a "success" (i.e. the Geneseed stability).  I haven't written much about their home world as I didn't want to go on too much, but perhaps a little will be a positive thing.  The mindset of Bahltimyr is rather insular - they only deal with off worlders when they need to, so their stand offish attitude winds other Chapters up and makes it hard to form bonds of trust - add to that the fact that they are of the Twenty-first Founding and their attitude to others gets worse.
 
Their next action took them to another world - Tolibur, and it here that they were more successful. Using stealth tactics similar to the Raven Guard, they ripped the heart out of a fledgling Chaos incursion, with a determined edge that many survivors reported as "Brutal, almost revelling in the carnage they wreaked." The reason for this new doctrine(we haven't really been exposed to any other doctrine to notice a change) is not known, but other Chapters who had at some point campaigned with them noted that the "Rayvens were terse in speech, reluctant to accept rearguard or defensive functions, and only seemed truly themselves on frontal or stealth attacks" (You hint at other campaigns here during which they develop, but we don't get to hear about them, or really see the develeopment)Whilst scholars conclude that this attitude could be due to nothing more than the Chapters need to prove themselves, to be seen as the best at what they do amongst their peers, others have darkly said in whispers that the beginnings of the Bahltimyr Reavers started here....(Might stand for some rewording)
 

Because of the above (about their attitude), the Ravens become callous; they don't care about collateral damage.  They only see a means to an ends.  If the enemy is on the other side of the city and there are civilians in the way, well they have two feet - they can move, or they can die.  I'll add in a bit about some of their campaigns, but as I said previously, I wasn't sure of how much I should add otherwise it might get too large and unwieldy.

The Rayvens were eventually deployed to reinforce the Chapter known as the Steel Wings in Segmentum Pacificus, due to the increased amount of Chaos incursions on a group of planets near the Steel Wings' home world. They were requested to support the Steel Wings on a planet known as Ghiberti. The Steel Wings had already arrived at the planet with the rest of the Chapter in transit(SW arrived w/ rest of which Chapter in transit?) and with this in mind had petitioned the Rayvens to act in a supporting role, lest the advantage they had bought would be lost. With the honour of the Chapter smarting, the Chapter Master Rai Lurweiss(why all the italicized names? Normally, just ships get italicized, and even that's not always standard) told his opposite number that this would not happen and ordered a smaller action of their own. Both sides took significant casualties due to this and diplomatic relations escalated(diplomatic relations deteriorated, or diplomatic tensions escalated), both Chapters effectively ignoring each other from then on.
 

To reword the above - The Steel Wings had a small detachment on the surface already, with the rest of the Chapter (or at least a significant portion of them), so to the Steel Wings, it was logical that as the Ravens' forces had come after them, they should support, otherwise changing places so that the Ravens were at the front was costly in both time and advantage.  The 'Wings had made a contingent of the Chaos force fall back to the capital.  If they reached it, it would result in a siege, something that could have been avoided.  To the Ravens, it was yet another snub.  It didn't help that the Steel Wing commander was a mere Iron Lord (Captain), where as the Ravens was led by the Chapter Master himself.  The Steel Wings aren't known for their diplomacy either so heads butt and both refuse to back down.  This resulted in both Chapters taking action planet side on their own.  No communication, no "heads up", no battle decorum and no monitoring of the others' radio chatter.  The last resulted in the Ravens being still planet side when the Steel Wings actually tried to tell them to leave because of the coming Exterminatus.

On the eightieth day of the campaign, the Steel Wings had, after defeating a Daemon unleashed within the Capital, decided that the situation was untenable, calling a general withdrawal order and Exterminatus(again, italics probably not needed). Because the Rayvens were not actively monitoring the vox bands that the Steel Wings were using, it was not realised that they were going to submit the planet to orbital bombardment until it was too late.(I feel like you might need a reason why the Steel Wings didn't say anything directly to the Rayvens...unless they just didn't care about screwing them over.) The Rayvens were forced to take shelter as best they could, the area they were in control of was near a previously inactive Volcano. The orbital charges set off seismic fractures in the ground that swallowed the main force whole, whilst the subsequent molten lava sealed up any trace after. To subsequent search parties, they had simply vanished.(How many Rayvens were lost?)
 

Noted on the (mis)use of the italics.

Their fleet was destroyed in orbit save their Flagship The Pride of Em'tebank which was heavily damaged, when it tried to stop the Steel Wings(So open war between the Chapters? It looks like it in everything but word. Right now it looks like "Oh by the way, the fleet happened to get destroyed) from bombarding the planet. According to an official report submitted to the High Lords of Terra, the Bahltimyr Rayvens were a dangerous element in the campaign and actions was taken. This, and other reports were never acted upon, their contents consigned to history.(Was this flagship a battle barge? Because between one ship, and however many marines, it doesn't look like the beginnings of an evil empire)
 

The Ravens fleet led by the Pride of Em'tebank was attacked by the Steel Wings because to them (Ravens), the Steel Wings was bombarding their forces planet side, when in fact the Exterminatus was a last ditch attempt in stopping a Greater Daemon of Khorne from tearing a new orifice in everyone.  The Ravens retaliated, under a  false assumption.  I'm not sure on Marine ships, but the Pride is the biggest available.  It was heavily damaged, after which it no longer considered a threat.

Recent History
 
The Bahltimyr Reavers have been seen in various locales in the Imperium, and have become a significant threat for many centuries(either 'significant threat over the centuries' or 'in recent centuries'.). Most recently, they have been in Segmentum Pacificus, attacking Imperial Worlds for slaves(when and why do they start taking slaves? We don't see any transition from 'more-or-less betrayed by the Steel Wings' to 'evil pirates') , recruits and most importantly to re-arm. Despite their best efforts, Imperial scholars can have not worked out any specific pattern to their movements. On more than one occassion, they have withdrawn from a battle when they had the advantage and the ability to deal a crippling blow to their foe. On other occassions they have fought long and hard, seemingly for no gain whatsoever. Their erratic behavior has been attributed to their maddened state(They're mad now? When did that happen?), although it has been the opinion of a few that the Reavers are looking for specific artifacts, and that when they have found them all, woe betide any who cross their path.

 

This part I haven't thought much about yet - I'll have to add in something to explain the need for slaves/cultists and their mental condition.

The ‘Reavers are in fact following the will of the Pantheon, causing unrest, recovering artefacts for unknown purposes. Their leader, Lord Rai Lurweiss has an ulterior motive – to be free of the agreement with the Dark Gods and searches the Galaxy for something worthy to trade.(You introduce this later on. Right now, its out of place, confusing.)
 

It will be moved to somewhere that makes sense when I do a proper edit.

It is only a matter of time until their paths cross again with the Steel Wings and finally encounter the Raven Guard.(So this is a goal of theirs? Revenge against the Steel Wings, sure. And they blame the Raven Guard for 'disinheriting' them, giving them something to prove?)

 

Exactly - they hate the Steel Wings fro "betraying" them, despite the misunderstanding.  The Raven Guard are hated, because of their attitude and because of Corax's meddling Millennia ago.
 
Encounter at Syndar

An Imperial force consisting of Imperial Guard, a small contingent of Sisters from the Order of the Valorous Heart and three companies of Marines from the Amber Dragons Chapter encountered a Warband that matched the(description of the?) Bahltimyr Reavers on a Shrine World called Syndar. Having insinuated themselves with the Citadel(Where did this come from?) at its capital, the Warband had decimated the planets PDF and were caught trying to [records deleted by the Holy Inquisition]. The Warband had escaped, albeit with heavy casualties.(So I got that they were deeply embedded in the city, but the description is fairly clunky, could use some ironing)
 

This part I had worked out from the story I'm writing about the SoB Order I'm doing, but haven't added anything in to explain in any detail (especially for those who haven't read it).  This will be addressed in the next edit.

The Warband's current whereabouts are unknown.

Beliefs

The Warband are reluctant followers of the Chaos Pantheon. Those few who have survived an encounter with them believe that they are completely dedicated to their Dark Gods, but this is not so. The Leader of the Warband Lord Rai Lurweiss had made a pact with the Gods to ensure their survival, but the fickle nature of those Gods resulted in many within the group being mutated beyond measure.  These hulking monstrosities are collectively known as the Changed.  In exchange for services rendered, the Pantheon agree to spare the Warband any more additions of those creatures to their ranks. Failure to succeed in their tasks and more Marines are changed.
 
Every member of the Warband are fearful of the Gods because of this and will do their utmost in battle to ensure they are left alone, although there was those who dare court their favour. Lurweiss is bent on finding something to use as a bargaining chip to be finally free of this “agreement”. So far he has found no such thing.(If they have such fear of being changed, why would they do things like withdraw from battles they can win decisively? Is that something they only do when they 'recover' whatever they're after?)
 

The Reavers are after something, anything that will be "enough" to barter with the Gods themselves to be "released" from their contract.  Of course, it's doubtful that they'll ever find such a thing.  Lurweiss has managed to convince most of the remaining Marines who aren't Changed that it's possible.  Hr'Boor a former Chaplain and his second knows full well the reality of the situation, but for now has kept quiet.

Gene-seed

As a Chapter of the Cursed Founding, the stability of their Gene-seed, was initial without doubt(Whut? If they started off Raven Guard, they started off in doubt). However, due to their wholesale worship of Chaos Undivided and their subsequent agreement, it is evident that whatever improvements were made, they are being undone. Scholars are unsure as to what extent their Gene-seed has been corrupted(Do scholars really speculate much about the condition of Chaos gene-seed? It's not like it'll be used again.). Encounters with horrifying creatures, both in regular Armour and in Tactical Dreadnought Armour have been reported. Specific details have either been suppressed or lost in transmission.

I meant that their stability was assured, but because of their exposure to Chaos and the fact that the Gods are threatening them with being Changed, any and all defects are undone, and worse.  The bit about the scholars could be edited out I suppose, but I thought that someone in the Imperium might be keeping tabs on them to see what can be done to stop them through observing their behavior.

 

Organisation and tactics

Whilst loyal to the Imperium, The Bahltimyr Rayvens followed the Tenets of the Index Astartes and the teachings of their Primarch - those of stealth. Now as traitors to the Imperium of Man, they still use that same disciplined approach to battle, but are more renowned for striking terror into the hearts of their enemies, the sight of the Changed instilling fear in anyone unfortunate to see them.(Do they do anything else to make fear a weapon?)
 

Good point and something I haven't thought much about yet.  I didn't want them to be a Night Lords wannabe.  I'll have to have a think about that.

Battle Cry

On the open battlefield it is rare for them to have a unified battle cry, although mockingly they have used "Victorus aut Mortis". On covert operations for obvious reasons, they employ silence at all times.
 
 
 
To be placed in side bars:
 
 
Chapter Master Rai Lurweiss had spent days in prayer to Him on Earth, his pleas more and more desperate(I've often wondered if Marines would still do something like pray, despite not believing in the Emperor as a God. With the psychic influence of the Warp, it doesn't seem unreasonable to try to commune with him.).  The remnants of the Chapter were trapped, buried under hundreds of feet of cooling Lava.  The ground had literally swallowed them whole.  Many Marines had died instantly when the ground shook with the impact of the payload thrown down by their so called allies, the Steel Wings.  Others far more slowly, as their crushed forms were slowly covered by magma, their screams ringing in his ears still.  After the events that followed, the survivors considered them to have gotten off lightly.  Many had taken to keeping their own company, the sullen becoming openly hostile if their blackened mood was disturbed.  Others had...changed.  Their flesh was still, as Sons of Corvus Corax ,pale, their eyes like orbs of obsidian.  Whilst that was still true, there was an unhealthy pallor  to their cheeks.  They complained of aches that even their metabolisms couldn't subdue, and a hunger that could not be slaked.  They formed groups, watching the others with an interest that unnerved even Lurweiss himself.  Those who watched had taken to daub their armour with blood, their own at first.  Lurweiss beseeched the Emperor for deliverance and was rewarded with nothing.  No redemption, no salvation.  Days turned to weeks and combat discipline was eroded slowly as those who had changed could no longer slake the hunger that gnawed at their being.  The Chapter turned in on themselves, as one half finally gave in to their instincts, whilst the other, horrified and deeply saddened by what they witnessed tried to contain them and to put an end to their depravity. (So massive destruction at the hands of the Steel Wings, than another half culled after going crazy)
 

I've read a few (older) novels where Marines pray to their Primarch, so I didn't think it too out of place.  Another thing to ponder.

In desperation, Rai Luweiss' prayers were ever more fervent, and his entreaties went to anyone who would listen.  The fate of the Bahltimyr Rayvens was sealed, when something did.
 
The price asked for their freedom was far greater than they had bargained for.

 

Hope it helps!

 

 

Thank you

 

 

[Aqui]

 

Aquilanus

 

Are you twelve? Do you dress all in black?

 

Because unless you do both, Aquilanus, spelling Ravens with a Y is something which should fill your heart with shame and regret.

 

If you are twelve and do dress all in black: trust me, when you look back, this isn't going to seem like a good idea.

 

It was a simple way of making the name less obvious.  It didn't work.  For the record the basis of this Chapter is an American Football team (I dare say that this is apparent, but anyway)

 

Quote

An unofficial source stated that the Chapter Master of the Raven Guard was horrified by the decision, and stated simply that "No good would become of it", and that the Raven Guard would have nothing to do with it's sibling Chapter under any circumstances, despite the seeming stability of the modifications.

Why would they tell him? Why wouldn't he say "No good would come of it" like a normal person? Why does he have to be quoted directly, instead of just summarized? Why is this all one sentence?

 

Noted.

 

 

Quote

The go ahead was never the less given and the Bahltimyr Rayvens were born.

I gotta say, I think Ravens of Bahltimyr and Reavers of Bahltimyr would both be a LOT subtler. As is, it's pretty obviously "Baltimore", and it's really, really jarring. Not least because that godawful song from Hairspray starts up in my head each time.

 

Never seen Hairspray and I'll be a boil on Nurgles arse before I ever do so I'm not sure which song you mean.  Regarding the name, I get your point, but I've used the name for so long, it'll take a fair amount of time for a revision to be "right" in my own mind.

 

 

Quote

The first action undertaken by the Rayvens was that of destroying an Ork Waagh! on Bohkmor. Whilst successful, it was a long drawn out campaign, resulting in significant losses. The Ravens went home to Bahltimyr to restock and recruit, which due to the small population, took longer than hoped. This took it's toll on the mindset of many Marines in the Chapter, who were desperate to prove themselves worthy and redeem themselves in the eyes of their Parent Chapter.

Why would the chapter be that invested in their progenitors? They may well not have a training cadre (the Cursed FOunding seems to work a little differently).

 

Also, who cares what the Raven Guard think? I mean, really, all they had to do was sit around and rebuild their numbers, and they screwed that up.

 

That's one way of putting it.  But if you are a Chapter who was face to face with your heritage and was told by them that you are worthless, will amount to nothing, what would you do?  Let it go?  Or in typical Marine fashion, go out to prove them wrong?

 

 

Quote

Their next action took them to another world - Tolibur, and it here that they were more successful. Using stealth tactics similar to the Raven Guard, they ripped the heart out of a fledgling Chaos incursion, with a determined edge that many survivors reported as "Brutal, almost revelling in the carnage they wreaked." This reason for this new doctrine is not known, but other Chapters who had at some point campaigned with them noted that the "Rayvens were terse in speech, reluctant to accept rearguard or defensive functions, and only seemed truly themselves on frontal or stealth attacks" Whilst scholars conclude that this attitude could be due to nothing more than the Chapters need to prove themselves, to be seen as the best at what they do amongst their peers, others have darkly said in whispers that the beginnings of the Bahltimyr Reavers started here....

Stop using dialogue in the middle of narrative paragraphs. It doesn't work well, and it's not really adding anything.

 

Noted.

 

 

Quote

The Rayvens were forced to take shelter as best they could, the area they were in control of was near a previously inactive Volcano. The orbital charges set off seismic fractures in the ground that swallowed the main force whole, whilst the subsequent molten lava sealed up any trace after. To subsequent search parties, they had simply vanished.

That's the stupidest way I've ever seen a chapter get annihilated. I kind of like it, but they really seem kind of dumb.

 

I added a better explanation above, but to recap.  A Greater Daemon of Khorne is unleashed, and the Steel Wings retreat, viewing Exterminatus as the best option they have left.  The Steel Wings try to warn the Ravens, but the Ravens are in radio silence and do not hear the warning.  A dormant volcano erupts because of the bombardment and the ground in their area literally buries them.

 

 

Quote

Their fleet was destroyed in orbit save their Flagship The Pride of Em'tebank which was heavily damaged, when it tried to stop the Steel Wings from bombarding the planet. According to an official report submitted to the High Lords of Terra, the Bahltimyr Rayvens were a dangerous element in the campaign and actions was taken. This, and other reports were never acted upon, their contents consigned to history.

Emptybank? Also, surely sending a message to the Steel Wings might have worked a little better than shooting them?

 

Em'tebank - M and T Bank Stadium, Baltimore.  The Ravens do not know why the Steel Wings are firing, and so in their own paranoid minds believe they are betrayed.  They retaliate, and in so doing make the Steel Wings are betraying them.  It's good to talk, huh?

 

 

Quote

Recent History

Uh...what? That wasn't an ending of a section. You just killed most of the chapter and then dropped the issue. You haven't explained the bit where they're actually traitors (especially when you say the reports weren't actually acted on.

 

Hopefully, I've explained it better in Messor's post.

 

 

Quote

The ‘Reavers are in fact following the will of the Pantheon, causing unrest, recovering artefacts and other more unknown purposes. Their Leader Lord Rai Lurweiss has an ulterior motive – to be free of the agreement with the Dark Gods and searches the Galaxy for something worthy to trade.

What agreement?

 

The Gods agreed to free them from their prison, in exchange for them doing specific tasks for them.  In the beginning, Lurweiss had made the mistake of ignoring a particular task and was "gifted" with some of his personal retinue becoming mutated, mindless creatures.  In essence - instead of a carrot and a stick, a stick and a bigger stick.  With barbed wire and a nasty nail in it.

 

 

Quote

It is only a matter of time until their paths cross again with the Steel Wings and finally encounter the Raven Guard.

So what?

 

Haven't worked out what else to put there yet.

 

 

Quote

The Warband are reluctant followers of the Chaos Pantheon. Those few who have survived an encounter with them believe that they are completely dedicated to their Dark Gods, but this is not so. The Leader of the Warband Lord Rai Lurweiss had made a pact with the Gods to ensure their survival, but the fickle nature of those Gods resulted in many within the group being mutated beyond measure. These hulking monstrosities are collectively known as the Changed. In exchange for services rendered, the Pantheon agree to spare the Warband any more additions of those creatures to their ranks. Failure to succeed in their tasks and more Marines are changed.

Why would Chaos do that? The mutations and such are signs of their favor. Rejecting those isn't exactly good worshipper behavior.

 

(Hopefully explained above)

 

 

Quote

As a Chapter of the Cursed Founding, the stability of their Gene-seed, was initial without doubt. However, due to their wholesale worship of Chaos Undivided and their subsequent agreement, it is evident that whatever improvements were made, they are being undone. Scholars are unsure as to what extent their Gene-seed has been corrupted. Encounters with horrifying creatures, both in regular Armour and in Tactical Dreadnought Armour have been reported. Specific details have either been suppressed or lost in transmission.

Yeah, I don't get why they're Cursed Founding. It doesn't really add anything. Hell, at least if they were ordinary RG successors you could have a nice tension between mutation on one hand and slow dwindling to nothingness on he other.

 

* * *

 

Honestly, your guys don't really seem to matter much. They're an unimportant chapter who get wiped out by something stupid and become a warband who don't really matter that much and wants to avenge themselves on enemies who don't even know they exist.

 

If that's intentional, well done. But I don't think it is.

 

What are you trying to get out of these guys? What do you want? And had you considered an outline?

 

Hopefully I've explained things better.

 

* * *

 

Messor

Do scholars really speculate much about the condition of Chaos gene-seed? It's not like it'll be used again.

Yes. Scholars speculate about everything. Though I think it's more a "are they going to dwindle away to nothing and/or try to steal ours"?

 

 

Thank you.

Edited March 9, 2013 by Aquilanus

[Octavulg]

It was a simple way of making the name less obvious. It didn't work.

Well, the bit where it's pronounced exactly the same way makes the meaning a bit obvious.

Never seen Hairspray and I'll be a boil on Nurgles arse before I ever do so I'm not sure which song you mean. Regarding the name, I get your point, but I've used the name for so long, it'll take a fair amount of time for a revision to be "right" in my own mind.

That's probably for the best on Hairspray.

 

Regarding the name - if you don't want to, you don't have to, but I do think it'd be a lot subtler. And sound more like a normal chapter name, which is sort of good.

That's one way of putting it. But if you are a Chapter who was face to face with your heritage and was told by them that you are worthless, will amount to nothing, what would you do? Let it go? Or in typical Marine fashion, go out to prove them wrong?

But why would they necessarily be that invested in the Raven Guard? And, more obviously, why would the Raven Guard know they were Cursed? Plus, since their geneseed isn't a riot of instability, isn't that a rather obvious sign that the Raven Guard are talking out of their asses? Wouldn't it be more likely to be perceived as jealousy by a new chapter?

I added a better explanation above, but to recap. A Greater Daemon of Khorne is unleashed, and the Steel Wings retreat, viewing Exterminatus as the best option they have left. The Steel Wings try to warn the Ravens, but the Ravens are in radio silence and do not hear the warning. A dormant volcano erupts because of the bombardment and the ground in their area literally buries them.

I understood it. It's just incredibly slapstick. They stand in the wrong place when someone presses a button and suddenly they're buried in lava. That's comedy gold. It's the sort of thing that happens to Orkish warbands all the time.

Hopefully, I've explained it better in Messor's post.

Well, yes. But you really should be explaining it in the IA.

The Gods agreed to free them from their prison, in exchange for them doing specific tasks for them. In the beginning, Lurweiss had made the mistake of ignoring a particular task and was "gifted" with some of his personal retinue becoming mutated, mindless creatures. In essence - instead of a carrot and a stick, a stick and a bigger stick. With barbed wire and a nasty nail in it.

But you hadn't said that when you started talking about the agreement...

(Hopefully explained above)

Not really. Chaos wants worship - Tzeentch covered Magnus' boys in mutations. The Death Guard rot. Mutations are signs of the gods' favor. Complaining about them would be bad form.

 

Also, I can't imagine all four of the Chaos gods cooperating to pick a particular chapter for their purposes.

Yeah, I don't get why they're Cursed Founding. It doesn't really add anything. Hell, at least if they were ordinary RG successors you could have a nice tension between mutation on one hand and slow dwindling to nothingness on he other.

I still don't see why they need to be Cursed Founding - it doesn't add anything. Your response will likely be that it's necessary for the conflict with the Raven Guard, but right now that doesn't add anything, either. If you removed those two elements, they'd still end up exactly where they are.

Hopefully I've explained things better.

Not what you're trying to do very much. You've explained details, but you haven't explained what you want the chapter to be like as such. You're bogged down in the events - think more high level. What do you want them to be like? What things do you want to happen? What traits do you want them to have? That sort of stuff.