Darkchild130 Posted March 16, 2012 Share Posted March 16, 2012 Deleted this for editing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aqui Posted March 16, 2012 Share Posted March 16, 2012 I liked it a lot. Good use of descriptive language, and believable. Damnable Inquisition! :D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Darkchild130 Posted March 18, 2012 Author Share Posted March 18, 2012 Thanks for the feedback. I think others may have been turned off by the length of it though! I will break it down into more manageable chunks. Darkchild Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Darkchild130 Posted March 18, 2012 Author Share Posted March 18, 2012 Deleted for editing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Darkchild130 Posted March 18, 2012 Author Share Posted March 18, 2012 Deleted. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Darkchild130 Posted March 18, 2012 Author Share Posted March 18, 2012 Deleted. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Darkchild130 Posted March 18, 2012 Author Share Posted March 18, 2012 Deleted. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brother-Sergeant Bohemond Posted March 19, 2012 Share Posted March 19, 2012 I really enjoyed this. Very nice. I was wondering if there will be a continuation of this story... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Darkchild130 Posted March 19, 2012 Author Share Posted March 19, 2012 It depends on how well this one is received. I have an idea involving a joint operation with Sisters of Battle, and a council session to present the Afriels to Inquisitor Fellon's mysterious master. (former would be similar length to this one, latter would be a short one shot story) But I'll wait to see if people like this one first before I decide whether to bother. thankyou for the comment :P Darkchild Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Allfather1 Posted March 19, 2012 Share Posted March 19, 2012 I really enjoyed it. I hope you plan on writing more. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Darkchild130 Posted March 20, 2012 Author Share Posted March 20, 2012 thankyou very much. I think I might write a short follow up piece now, the idea is brewing in my head. Darkchild Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lysimachus Posted March 20, 2012 Share Posted March 20, 2012 Very nice story. It certainly works as a complete piece but I'd agree with the others who'd like to know what happens next. Personally I think the Astartes would do much better; a single ambushed squad trapped in a building is a much different target to a full Company (presumably with at least some ground/orbital support) who know that you're the enemy before you get close enough to fire a shot. After all, a minute's warning is all a good Space Marine commander needs. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Darkchild130 Posted March 20, 2012 Author Share Posted March 20, 2012 Well what about the daisy chained anti-tank Ieds buried underneath the entire road his company are spread out on, prepared in the days leading up to the trap? Or the fact that they are an armoured convoy in urban terrain, the vehicles perfect linear targets for strafing runs from airframes? And orbital support is only so good when the enemy are approaching from the air to land directly on top of you. Unless you want to kill your own men. But it works better as a one off so you'll just have to speculate. :lol: Truthfully, I envisioned the 2 forces practically wiping each other out, the Storm Troopers with preparation and numerical superiority versus pure fighting skill. Hawkins and the few survivors would be taken away to train an entirely new generation of clones, using their knowledge to create a specialised anti-Space Marine force from the ground up. I'm glad you liked it though. Darkchild Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Andrew J Posted March 21, 2012 Share Posted March 21, 2012 I really liked it. You do a very good job of pacing and description. I would agree that I would like to see some more of the story too! I will patiently await the next installment! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Darkchild130 Posted March 21, 2012 Author Share Posted March 21, 2012 Thankyou for the comment. So far it seems everybody wants to see more of the Afriel Strain, I will have to think up something solid for a follow up. Definately need to write up a meeting between Fellon's master and various other shady types to review the Afriel's potential. Darkchild Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Olis Posted March 22, 2012 Share Posted March 22, 2012 Enjoyable story. Good pace, good narrative. Kudos. :P Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Darkchild130 Posted March 22, 2012 Author Share Posted March 22, 2012 Thankyou kindly, glad you enjoyed it! Darkchild Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pulse Posted March 24, 2012 Share Posted March 24, 2012 The Space Marines went down pretty easily but the story is clearly in favour of the Afriel and their point of view but i have to say, it took nothing away from the story. The pacing was good and was the action was clear and although some people might not have understood all the terminology it was precise enough for everyone to keep up with. I think this is your best work to date, maybe you should stick to floating about on a boat as each story you get better! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Darkchild130 Posted March 24, 2012 Author Share Posted March 24, 2012 Well in game terms, Storm Troopers and basic Space Marines have exactly the same chances of killing each other by shooting assuming each shot is a hit so I'd say actually the Space Marines got off lightly! :P Joking aside, I'm glad you liked the story. I'm quite surprised at the positivity of the comments really, as it only took me 2 days to write, I personally feel it was rushed. Who knows, maybe Guard stories are my niche! Darkchild Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pulse Posted March 24, 2012 Share Posted March 24, 2012 Well in game terms, Storm Troopers and basic Space Marines have exactly the same chances of killing each other by shooting assuming each shot is a hit so I'd say actually the Space Marines got off lightly! :D Joking aside, I'm glad you liked the story. I'm quite surprised at the positivity of the comments really, as it only took me 2 days to write, I personally feel it was rushed. Who knows, maybe Guard stories are my niche! Darkchild Aye in game terms your near enough right but still, we are dealing with fluff! :lol: I have to admit loking the story over again it doesn't feel like bits were rushed, the character detail was good although maybe a bit of fleshing out could be done in future stories. The only couple of quips: - Calling out "loading/red/dry" when the weapon is empty is a fairly outdated now, it isn't taught anymore in most western militaries as it is a distraction to other soldiers. We just reload without calling it. I only bring that up as you would think Afriel soldiers would be much better than even the best soldiers in the modern era. - Also the lack of a fortified feel of the chapter keep, generally no matter how small a chapter keep is there are anti-air platforms and automated defenses both inside and outside of the keep because of the small garrison. Still though, awesome story - looking forward to the next part as it keeps me enterained on downtime! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Darkchild130 Posted March 25, 2012 Author Share Posted March 25, 2012 The only couple of quips: - Calling out "loading/red/dry" when the weapon is empty is a fairly outdated now, it isn't taught anymore in most western militaries as it is a distraction to other soldiers. We just reload without calling it. I only bring that up as you would think Afriel soldiers would be much better than even the best soldiers in the modern era. This would depend on unit SOPs, for example my Bn calls "stoppage" even for a mag change, as a mag change is a stoppage. But again, debating tactics is pointless, they're fighting WW1 in space, they like shouting stuff. On a related note, when I did the Advanced CQB course (this was way back in 2007), red was for a loaded weapon and black denoted no ammo. Personally I don't like colour codes for simple :jaw:. - Also the lack of a fortified feel of the chapter keep, generally no matter how small a chapter keep is there are anti-air platforms and automated defenses both inside and outside of the keep because of the small garrison. I'll concede this, but Arguably air defences would have been no good as they were not seen as a threat until right on top of the target (they could have just landed pretending to be friendly and opened up on a "welcoming" party). Automated defences would have bogged down the narrative. It's a story about Clones fighting Marines, didn't want to slow the pace unecessarily. Still though, awesome story - looking forward to the next part as it keeps me enterained on downtime! Thanks for the input, It's good to know the "feel" is ok and the pace and narrative works. I don't want you to think I write without thinking about all the angles first though! Darkchild Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pulse Posted March 26, 2012 Share Posted March 26, 2012 Thanks for the input, It's good to know the "feel" is ok and the pace and narrative works. I don't want you to think I write without thinking about all the angles first though! :lol: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Arachnid99 Posted July 15, 2012 Share Posted July 15, 2012 Great story, hope you keep this up. Unsurprisingly you have got the tone of soldiers perfectly, unlike most authors. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Azekai Posted July 15, 2012 Share Posted July 15, 2012 I liked it- I was actually rooting for the Afriel-strain grunts, despite the machinations of the Inquisitor. You made their desperation and tenacity seem very real. Keep it up! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ice warrior Posted July 15, 2012 Share Posted July 15, 2012 Fast paced story witch was fun to read. To make it even more appealing, I happen to have a Afriel Strain Clone army myself. It was interesting to read story so closely related to mine. Thanks for posting such a well made story :) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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