IA: Alpha Hounds

[Messor]

Greatly appreciate the commentary, Octavulg, I've got some time now so I can get right on this.

 

I did actually have trouble with the wording in that first quote, and I can see how the second would also be confusing.

 

The reference isn't to the soul food, its to the actual Chitlin' Circuit, which was pretty much a string of night clubs XD. I'm kinda glad it meant something to someone, though. As the rest is all on me, I'll get writing...or deleting, whichever the case may be.

[Messor]

What exactly confused you in the second quote? Not enough context with the rest of the section, wording?

[Octavulg]

 

The reference isn't to the soul food, its to the actual Chitlin' Circuit, which was pretty much a string of night clubs XD. I'm kinda glad it meant something to someone, though. As the rest is all on me, I'll get writing...or deleting, whichever the case may be.

 

It's a question of perception, though.   I recall a commenter who felt that Franklin's World made him think of turtles with red baseball caps.  Not what I intended, but what he got nonetheless.  

                  
Also, the food's where the name of the Chitlin Circuit came from.  I'm not saying you can't name it that, but it's a pretty firm association. 
 

 

What exactly confused you in the second quote? Not enough context with the rest of the section, wording?

 

"With the last jump here, we have it. A route to the Arm's end that follows endless night."

 

I just don't know what he's trying to say.  If it's supposed to be a reference to the secretiveness of the Circuit, then I'd say something along the lines of:

 

""These systems are backwaters, forgotten and unattended by the Imperium. And with them, we have a secret route through endless night from one end of the Arm to the other."

[Messor]

I understand where the Circuit got its name, but am content with risk of association with pig intestines.

 

As for the quote, it looks like you included the part that I would have thought confusing. The idea is only that the course follows planets with short/negligible day periods.

 

So far I've knocked off six or seven hundred words, but I do want to get that quote ironed out before putting it back up.

[Octavulg]

Ah. In that case, I'd do something like:

 

"With these worlds, we have a secret route from one end of the Arm to the other. They may be shrouded in darkness, but they are backwaters, forgotten and unattended by the Imperium. They are safe, and they are secret."

[Messor]

No no, the darkness is the best part, the backwater bit is just a bonus. He's just found the last night world to finish a route along nothing but dark planets. Originally, it was a little more story than quote, and mentioned the Navigator actually identifying the system on the star map. I scrapped that in favor of referencing his whole name in quote form.

[Octavulg]

Huh. Not sure what to do with it, then. That's definitely not coming across, but I'm not really sure what would convey it best.

[Messor]

Well the first suggestion you gave was really close to what I currently have. If you take out the word secret, they mean the same. So we just have to figure out where the disconnect has been.

 

Is anyone/everyone else having a hard time with this or other lines? Don't be shy, hein.

[Octavulg]

Well, yes, but my impression is that you want to emphasize the importance of them being night worlds. Which really isn't coming across as-is.

 

I'd just do: "A road from one end of the Sagittarius Arm to the other, across a hundred worlds shrouded in night. There is safety in darkness."

[Messor]

Right now its meant to emphasize three things.

-It suggesting that the last world has just been found, finishing the circuit

-It's been a joint effort/part of a plan, rather than a recommendation

-Yes, that they're night worlds

 

What you're saying is the reference of 'endless night' is not a strong enough allusion to the worlds along the circuit instead of just...space? I'm kind of aiming at the suggestion, rather than having the quote summarize that section of the article, y'know? Some of the sidebars may work as stand-alone, but they're all supposed to complement their respective sections.

[EzekyleVIII]

To be honest I got it, I imagine the phrase spoken by a librarian if you get my drift.

[Octavulg]

-It's been a joint effort/part of a plan, rather than a recommendation

OK...what?

 

I have no idea what you're trying to say here.

What you're saying is the reference of 'endless night' is not a strong enough allusion to the worlds along the circuit instead of just...space? I'm kind of aiming at the suggestion, rather than having the quote summarize that section of the article, y'know? Some of the sidebars may work as stand-alone, but they're all supposed to complement their respective sections.

Not at all. I'm saying that the words used in the quote as-is literally don't quite make sense. They come close. The individual sentences do alone. But together, they don't.

[Messor]

 

-It's been a joint effort/part of a plan, rather than a recommendation

OK...what?

 

I have no idea what you're trying to say here.

 

 

In your suggestions it sounds like the Navigator is proposing a new idea, but its more like he's finding the last piece of a puzzle that Navigators and Chapter Command have been working on for a hundred years. I swear it makes sense. See if this helps at all:

 

The war room was dim but for the glow of the star maps displayed in the screen on the table and suspended above it in flickering blue. At the head of the table sat Moonstride, and to his right was the Fleet Master, Jameth. Across from them a spindly, hooded figure entered the room, nearly as tall as an armored marine. Unlike most visitors to the war room, this one did not fidget or sweat, but appeared quite at ease and stood awaiting acknowledgement. Jameth lifted his hand towards the gently swaying figure, inviting him to speak. Inclining his head, the Navigator complied.

 

"Master, I believe I have completed the Course. If I may?" The Chapter Master offered a single nod, at which the robed finger extended a bony, triple jointed finger to highlight a part of the map. A broken line trailed between two of the planets in the newly magnified section, "We considered the occupying of Antionum two decades ago as the closest we could get, but as you know, the journey between Antionum and Siron leaves a vast stretch of warp storm plagued wilderness unattended. Even so, we have succeeded where the Navy's records have failed," the Navigator highlighted an apparently empty expanse roughly halfway along the broken line. With a flurry of strokes on the dataslate in his other hand, two small systems appeared in the empty space, "Strike Cruiser Maera detected the star's radiation after diverting from resupply to ward Dark Eldar away from sun stained Lemuel."

 

"And the star?" The Chapter Master was now leaning forward, attention fixed on the map.

 

"Negligible. One is deceased, cold. The other, old and quiet. Our own incomplete charts confirm it, these worlds are quite forgotten by the Imperium. With the final jump, here," the Navigator highlighted the inner planet of  the system with the living star, "we have it. A complete course to the Arm's end following endless night."

~~~

 

That was fun, but I think that's all the context I can give.

[Octavulg]

Put "It is" at the start of my most recent one and it doesn't sound like a proposal. I think.

 

 

In context, the quote does make sense. But without it, I think it's much less clear. Better to rephrase for the lack of context, I think. Though it's a pretty minor point, in any case.

Edited January 30, 2013 by Octavulg

[Brother_Kovasir]

 

 

Intercepted Inquisitorial Report regarding subject 'Alpha Hounds'

"It remains unclear whether or not these 'Hounds' can be relied upon or trusted in a time of Imperial need. Should our Lords on Terra call, they are beyond lethargic to answer, but should the Emperor be cited against them, the interested party will quickly find themselves at the top of the Chapter's list of most hated persons...but still provided a sizeable strike force with astonishing haste, even for Space Marines. It is curious, to say the least."

-Unknown Inquisitor

Eh?  

 

I get the first sentence.  I get the first half of the second sentence.  The second half of the second sentence escapes me.

 

 

I agree with you here Octavulg. The 2nd sentence seems...lost? I know what is trying to be portrayed but it seems so oddly phrased.

"These systems are backwater, forgotten and unattended by the Imperium. With the last jump here, we have it. A route to the Arm's end that follows endless night."

Makes sense to me. Thought I would change one little tinny bit. Though without the changes it still makes perfect sense to me.

 

"These systems are backwater, forgotten and unattended by the Imperium. With the last jump here, we have our course; a route to Arm's End that follows endless night."  

Chitlin Circuit

uuh... Chitlin, being stewed pig intestines(soul food). But that's not what came to mind first. History Lesson! The Chitlin Circuit was a name given to a string of clubs and venues where African Americans could perform at in the early and mid 1900's. This ranged anywhere from comedians and musicians to other forms of entertainers like actors and actresses. Most notable for its cultivation of the Blues and southern Rock.

 

Basically what I am trying to say is I wouldn't use that name as it has a very hard connection with something else and it's going to be hard to keep people in the story with the mental disconnect that is going to happen when they see the name.

[Messor]

 

Chitlin Circuit

uuh... Chitlin, being stewed pig intestines(soul food). But that's not what came to mind first. History Lesson! The Chitlin Circuit was a name given to a string of clubs and venues where African Americans could perform at in the early and mid 1900's. This ranged anywhere from comedians and musicians to other forms of entertainers like actors and actresses. Most notable for its cultivation of the Blues and southern Rock.

 

Basically what I am trying to say is I wouldn't use that name as it has a very hard connection with something else and it's going to be hard to keep people in the story with the mental disconnect that is going to happen when they see the name.

 

While I made several of the recommended changes, the article hasn't gotten significantly shorter, mostly because there were things I'd been meaning to include but hadn't, and now have. So with the exception of the Navigator's quote(where I went with Kovasir's suggestion), what was noted as confusing has been changed. A number of sort of superfluous lines have been cut out, and in addition to Octavulg's suggestion on moving the gene-line sentence, the bit on TDA/Jump packs has been moved to the more appropriate Combat Doctrine. Induction rituals mentioned in Recruitment, Organization filled out with a who's-where of specialists, and burial rites noted in belief section.

 

On the Chitlin Circuit: I apologize if I'm breaking your immersion with this. I'm familiar with the history of the Circuit, and acquainted with its inspiration, the Borscht Belt, and the reference is intentional. I started this Chapter with some very personal motivations, and one of my goals was to involve a number of things I love, which came to include themes/references to a number of different musical styles. Most were impossible to include seriously or significantly. Turning a series of 'night clubs' into a series of 'night worlds' is actually one of my favorites, and I'm not sure how I don't suffer the same broken immersion, though I admit I enjoy when people can recognize my references. Fact is, it has meaning as is, which I can't let go of.

[Octavulg]

Re: the quote - change "with the last jump here" with "with this last jump" and I think it becomes a lot clearer. Part of what I was finding confusing was the lack of explanation for what "here" referred to (i.e. a place or the jump).

 

Re: the Chitlin Circuit - introduce the Navigator before the Circuit and it will be a lot less immersion-breaking.

[Brother_Kovasir]

While I made several of the recommended changes, the article hasn't gotten significantly shorter, mostly because there were things I'd been meaning to include but hadn't, and now have. So with the exception of the Navigator's quote(where I went with Kovasir's suggestion), what was noted as confusing has been changed. A number of sort of superfluous lines have been cut out, and in addition to Octavulg's suggestion on moving the gene-line sentence, the bit on TDA/Jump packs has been moved to the more appropriate Combat Doctrine. Induction rituals mentioned in Recruitment, Organization filled out with a who's-where of specialists, and burial rites noted in belief section.

 

On the Chitlin Circuit: I apologize if I'm breaking your immersion with this. I'm familiar with the history of the Circuit, and acquainted with its inspiration, the Borscht Belt, and the reference is intentional. I started this Chapter with some very personal motivations, and one of my goals was to involve a number of things I love, which came to include themes/references to a number of different musical styles. Most were impossible to include seriously or significantly. Turning a series of 'night clubs' into a series of 'night worlds' is actually one of my favorites, and I'm not sure how I don't suffer the same broken immersion, though I admit I enjoy when people can recognize my references. Fact is, it has meaning as is, which I can't let go of.

I understand what you mean now and I can only say that you have a good argument. However, I would merely warn you that you should be prepared to explain this, regarding Chitlin, every-time its mentioned. Otherwise: Good stuff man!

[Messor]

Last of the recommended changes made, and a trial run of custom headers. Opinions on these? Are the unique headers for each section appropriately informative/characterful? Still need to transplant the info from Greyall's competition entry depicting the Hounds' former homeworld, though unsure if it will go best in Origins, Beliefs, or preceding the Fleet.

[Olis]

I like the custom headers. Little bit on the thick side but they look cool nonetheless. 

[Brother_Kovasir]

I like the custom headers. Little bit on the thick side but they look cool nonetheless.

2nd that.

[Messor]

Aye, they came out a little thicker than I meant. I may go back and change them at some point. For now I'll just downscale for future IA's, and probably be more generic. Can only come up with so many unique depictions of organization.

 

At any rate, grafted in the info from Greyall's competition, the 'full story' of the Chapter homeworld(seemed to fit in the fleet section), along with some entailing adjustments to beliefs. Also finally incorporated Octavulg's suggestion to make mention of the Navigator before the circuit. Not sure if its the final draft of that section, but the flow sure does feel a little better.

[Octavulg]

Borscht Chitlin.

I'd avoid Borscht. Two foods together in a name is a bad idea.

There are obscure footnotes in archived records mentioning a homeworld for the Chapter. All that has been uncovered about the world that appears fleetingly in Imperial records as the Alpha Hounds' original homeworld is that it was once an agri-world, but has since been destroyed; those cities not swallowed in the crack that splits the planet nearly in three are pockmarked with the signs of orbital bombardment. No report exists detailing the event, nor ships that claim responsibility for an exterminatus in the area, and it is remembered only in hushed tones in the most private gatherings of the Chapter.

This paragraph needs some rewriting.

The past known only to the Alpha Hounds is that barely a century following their founding the Chapter was drawn away from its wards by a chaos fleet, a lure which allowed the world to be invaded. The invasion forces did not count on nearby Imperial Navy elements, who notified the Hounds as they engaged the invaders. The commander of the Naval forces began to report that the battle was going poorly, the planet was falling, and exterminatus was beginning to look like the only option. The Hounds still on the planet said otherwise, certain the world could be saved. At their behest, the Chapter Master and council of leadership petitioned for more time to bring reinforcements, citing the loyalty of the natives and their faith in the Imperium, but were answered with silence. When the Chapter fleet emerged from the Immaterium over the homeworld, they found a burning husk. An indelible mark was left on the young Chapter, but in the Emperor’s eyes and their own, they were still bound to serve…and so pressed on. However, not even the Hounds kept any record of what became of the Naval elements that presenced the death of their homeworld.

Presenced definitely isn't a word.

 

This paragraph also needs some rewriting. Read stuff out loud - it helps.

The final test of each Initiate before joining the Scout Company is a test of individual strength and prowess. Alone on a shuttle, the marine is dropped on a world occupied by the Tau's Kroot allies, where he must hunt down and consume a Kroot hunting party, which is usually ten to twelve Kroot in strength. As long as the marine completes the task alive, his trials are complete and he is fully inducted into the Chapter. Some initiates follow the Hound tradition, tracking the enemy by use of the Omophagea, and forcing the Kroot to isolate themselves before picking them off rapidly, one at a time. Other Initiates are satisfied simply tracking the party, and then falling on them in a single handed ambush. These marines become powerful close combat fighters, but are historically rare. After consuming the first kill, the interaction between the Kroot genetic material and the flaw in the Omophagea invariably begins a lifelong desire for Kroot flesh. While not as drastic as in other Chapters, whose marines may be lost to bloodlust, the Alpha Hounds have never taken a Kroot prisoner, giving them the honor of dying on the battlefield before the battle-brothers prepare and eat them, usually in camps on the same battlefield.

A group would seem more practical than a lone individual (and more packlike).

 

Plus, on a Kroot world, groups of Kroot seem unlikely to be isolated that often. Or likely to let Marines just drop guys on their planet. For all that I love the reverse-Predator scenario.

"A riff from the heavy bolters on that hillside, NOW! Jameth, make it rain, brother!"

That is the least Mariney sentence I have ever read.

Another mutation has also been introduced through the Chapter's initiation rituals. After the discovery of the Tau, the tradition of hunting the deadly game of one of the Night Worlds was replaced with the more challenging task of hunting the Tau's tribal allies, the Kroot. Successful marines are required to consume the Kroot's flesh, but whether due to the tampering of the Apothercaries or the Kroots' own malleable DNA combining with the workings of the Omophagea, the Alpha Hounds now have something of a vengeful addiction to Kroot, as well as virtually abandoning tracking by means of tech in favor of using the stimulated Omophagea with the abilities of the Neroglottis.

Addiction to Kroot feels...weird. Though I could definitely see them liking the taste (and serving Kroot at major feasts), being addicted to them is just strange.

 

* * *

 

The major thing you need to do is neaten up the writing. Read things aloud and adjust accordingly. It'll help.

[Messor]

I'd avoid Borscht. Two foods together in a name is a bad idea.

Yeah...probably right.

This paragraph needs some rewriting.

Tried a different approach here. I think it looks better, but you can be the judge.

Presenced definitely isn't a word.

 

This paragraph also needs some rewriting. Read stuff out loud - it helps.

So I've discovered. I wish I was the one who made it up, but I didn't. Replaced, at any rate. I'm still working on testing it all aloud, though I was pretty satisfied with this one, and reading it in the Dawn of War narrator's voice was downright entertaining to me.

A group would seem more practical than a lone individual (and more packlike).

 

Plus, on a Kroot world, groups of Kroot seem unlikely to be isolated that often. Or likely to let Marines just drop guys on their planet. For all that I love the reverse-Predator scenario.

Packs are a good idea. Incorporated, though still with some tidying up to do. I can see the Kroot world bit is unclear, but these aren't worlds that belong to them. By Kroot occupied, I mean worlds in whatever warzone the Chapter is engaged in where the Kroot are either waiting to receive the Hounds, or have pushed them back.

That is the least Mariney sentence I have ever read.

So says pop culture. To a marine on a battlefield, in the grimdark farfuture, it's no less Mariney than "Strike from the sky, brothers!"

Addiction to Kroot feels...weird. Though I could definitely see them liking the taste (and serving Kroot at major feasts), being addicted to them is just strange.

I'm rather attached to it. Its a one-in-a-million-chance mutation, where the Omophagea is flawed in just the right way, overstimulated just enough, to form some unusual attachment to the Kroot's uniquely malleable DNA. I don't want them to sound "Gotta get my fix" addicted, but when they see Kroot, mouths might start watering.

[Octavulg]

Tried a different approach here. I think it looks better, but you can be the judge.

It's better, but you're still being wordy in a very strange way. Most people do extra sentences - you express things several times.

 

This:

"There are obscure footnotes in archived records mentioning a homeworld for the Chapter. The only world that matches the described location is an airless rock. Older navigational charts might still note it as an agri-world, but the planet has been destroyed. Cracked nearly in three, those few city remains still visible have clearly been the subject of intense orbital bombardment. No report exists detailing the event, nor ships that claim responsibility for an exterminatus in the area, and the world is remembered only in hushed tones in the most private gatherings of the Chapter."

 

Could be this easily:

Obscure archival footnotes mention a homeworld for the Chapter. Though older navigational charts note the planet as an agri-world, more recent visitors report the planet as destroyed. Cracked nearly in three, the few ruins still visible have clearly been the subject of intense orbital bombardment. No Imperial reports detail what transpired there, and the death of that world is remembered only by the Alpha Hounds.

 

Shorter, less repeaty. Also, you don't have this weird thing where you're telling us what happens in private meetings but not telling us at the same time.

So I've discovered. I wish I was the one who made it up, but I didn't. Replaced, at any rate. I'm still working on testing it all aloud, though I was pretty satisfied with this one, and reading it in the Dawn of War narrator's voice was downright entertaining to me.

It's not bad. Though you really do seem to have the impression that communication in 40K is a lot more practical than it actually is. The same scenario might work better with the on-world Marines petitioning, then informing the Chapter Master when the off-world Marines return.

So says pop culture. To a marine on a battlefield, in the grimdark farfuture, it's no less Mariney than "Strike from the sky, brothers!"

Yeah, but here and now it sounds like the announcer in a strip club. Not a classy one, either. Edited March 7, 2013 by Octavulg