IA: Ravens of the Harbinger v.1.8

[Wulfebane]

Thanks to both of you. He's just a test model though so I could hammer out the color scheme. Ideally, my models will have twin GK falchions (to serve as just CCWs) and a fair share of BT/BA bits. Just gotta find the time to get at my painting table and pump them out.

 

And yeah, Olisredan, I'd love to know where I could trim back on some of it to make it seem less of a burden to read.

[Wulfebane]

-orbital bombardment reasoning/doctrine embellishment

-include High Lord involvement in founding

-amend dates for founding and events

-promote reasoning for BR exclusivity/psychic involvement

-retitle "Marcello chap" :huh:

 

Took care of these. Initial post updated.

[Olis]

As well as advising what to prune, I will be critiquing the body of text, so brace yourself. :)

The Harbinger Threat

+++ Date: 0449.M38

++++ Ref: OrdoXenos//46559xhr

+++++By: Scrivener Sebastian Marcello, Order of the Sable Quills, adjunct to the Librarium Scribellum

+++Proxy: Brother-Captain Iliyas Cale, the Hunin’s Gambit

+++++ To: Current Librarian-Captain, the Litany of Fury

+++++ Re: Potential Xenos/Heretic Incursion

++Thought: May the Emperor’s light banish the darkness.

+++[MESSAGE READS]+++

By the Authority of the Immortal Emperor of Mankind, this mission briefing (and any transcript thereof), are classified information.

+Priority Grade: Kappa-Supremus+

+Accounts recorded by Scrivener Sebastian+

Re: Explorator Fleet - Phi Epsilom

By Imperial edict and perfunctory implementation of Order Beta-Sigma 17 of the Blood Ravens charter, I, First Sergeant Iliyas Cale, have assumed command as acting captain of the Hunin’s Gambit, and by such doing, retain mission control of [REDACTED – sec. clearance: Gamma 2].

+++

For my first progress report, it is with a heavy heart that I must divulge the events leading to the discovery of what will be henceforth entered into record as the “Harbinger Threat” (ref. 24478/x5).

While in escort of Adeptus Mechanicus Explorator fleet Phi Epsilom, we ventured beyond the guiding light of the Astronomican, per mission directives, and into the Veiled Region of Segmentum Tempestus’ galactic southern fringes in pursuit of the point of origin by auspice of the [REDACTED – sec. clearance: Gamma 2] device. Due to the unreliable nature of warp travel through the Veiled Region, several years were dedicated to this expedition. The full account and daily logs recovered from the remaining fleet vessels have been compiled and included with this report.

Upon arrival in the system pre-designated Avallonis, we sent probes to six nearby planets in hopes of ascertaining a connection to the premonitions. Several energy signature anomalies were discovered in the vicinity of a gas giant appointed the name Caligo. After establishing orbit around the planet, tactical units along with Mechanicum personnel were sent to investigate the energy signatures dotting Caligo’s half-dozen moons. This would prove to be foolhardy.

+++CLASSIFIED - Victis Obscurate+++

=][= The following has been censured as classified and privileged information by Inquisitorial Remit =][=

=][= Security clearance Beta 9 required. ref.7835x918k =][=

---

:// ********* ** *****

+++CLEARANCE CODE ACCEPTED+++

The moons harbored dormant xenos entities composed entirely of unknown, advanced mechanical technology. Our dispatched teams triggered safeguards causing the xenos to awaken, resulting in hostile actions. Weaponry of alien origin inflicted several casualties in the first hours and the call was made to deploy more Astartes to support the initial teams. In turn, unidentified aeronautica and planetary defense ordnances engaged the fleet, causing massive damage to the prone orbiting vessels.

+[REDACTED]+

And so, after months of battle around the planet, our commanders were confident that all xenos entities had been eradicated, leaving us with heavy losses and at half strength; several fleet vessels were also destroyed. It is believed that had we not come upon the xenos while in stasis, we would have been annihilated.

Preparations were made to fortify and excavate the moons to determine what the xenos were guarding in hopes of finding a link to the [REDACTED – sec. clearance: Gamma 2] device. It was decided that permanent stations would be erected and the remaining fleet would stay for one Terran year before it was necessary to return to Imperial space to resupply and report our findings.

+[REDACTED]+

As explained to me by Magos Praxis, the moons shelter what appear to be ancient Dolmen Gates from the eras prior to the Age of Man, where the “Old Ones” (ref. P0-010a) held sovereignty over the galaxy. Remarkably intact, we hope to find a means to make them operational. Should the project bear fruit, we may have found a reliable access point into the Webway, should the Emperor bless us.

+[REDACTED]+

We were too late. The magnitude of warp energy that emanated from the [REDACTED – sec. clearance: Gamma 2] devices proved too much for the minds of our sworn charges. All sentient members of the Mechanicum fleet either died instantly or driven insane from the backlash, but all results were the same – not a single member of the Explorator fleet were to survive. Only those of us among the Blood Ravens had the understanding and psychic wardings in place to defend against such an event, but even so several of our brothers were caught unaware. Among the casualties, Master Sumner and his honor guard were slain when set upon by a warp-turned archmagos and several conjoined servitors, resulting in my untimely promotion.

Further scrying of the event by our librarians has provided foreboding premonitions. Should the gates be used incorrectly, numerous timeline conduits suggest that xenos of divergent origins, including the Eldar as well as the strange mechanical beings, and creatures of Chaos will be attracted to the gates, resulting in overwhelming opposition. With our dead amassing to over two-thirds of our fleet from the initial formation, and the omens predicted, I have decided to reserve one strike cruiser to remain at Caligo to secure the Dolmen Gates and to establish an infrastructure within the system. The rest will return to Imperial space and muster a stronger force with which to continue the project. Whatever may happen to us, I pray that this report reaches the Imperium.

May the Emperor protect.

+++[MESSAGE ENDS]+++

I think this section should be condensed to perhaps a paragraph or two, as having this whole tract, while a nice little bit of fiction, doesn't add to the IA in the way the rest of the information does. What is usually expected in an IA is information on a particular chapter, rather than anecdotes and stories. Alot of the stories here are simply superfluous data so I suggest a severe pruning here and, if you can, reduce it to a paragraph or two kind of like a summary. Perhaps, if you feel there is some flavour lost after the secateurs have been used then maybe a (small) sidebar could help that.

A Murder of Crows

Adorned in blackened ceramite armor, a lone figure stalks through the underbrush of the alien jungle. The Astartes bears no markings, save for the crest of the Raven Guard upon his right shoulder and that of the Deathwatch on his left. A seasoned veteran from the ranks of one of the Raven Guard’s tactical squads, Cyral’s fifth year among the Deathwatch has only permitted the traits of his chapter to be honed more thoroughly. His relatively new brothers among the Deathwatch have come to value and depend on his knack for infiltration and tactical outmaneuvering.

As he makes his way down a craggy slope toward what appears to be a small campsite, Cyral draws a blade from his hip, its monomolecular edge glinting in the moonlight. With a subvocal utterance, his helmet’s visor adjusts to reveal the heat signature of another figure within the campsite. Meeting the perimeter’s edge of the camp, Cyral slowly approaches the figure, now clearly visible as another Astartes clad in similar armor save for the heraldry of a Blood Ravens’ librarian emblazoned upon his shoulder.

The librarian sits upon a stone outcropping overlooking an embattled fortress complex, a softly glowing holo terminal resting in his lap. Gaius lifts his exposed head slightly, eyes remaining transfixed upon the screen. With a heavy sigh, he casually admonishes, “Do you not tire of these games, Brother Cyral?”

Scowling slightly, Cyral breaks into a stride. Thrusting his dagger back in its sheath, he quips, “Curse your sight, Old Bird! How could you have possibly known?”

“We are Ravens, you and I. Who better to discern the minds of mortal men than us?”

“Ahh, but we’re not entirely mortal, are we?”

Looking up from his text, Gaius turns to face the fortress and concurs, “No, of that we are not. Unfortunately neither is our quarry, making it far more vexing to squelch their profane rhetoric than it is to divine your whereabouts .”

Cyral moves to sit opposite Gaius, watching the turret-mounted searchlights sway below. Removing his helmet, he shifts his gaze to peer at Gaius. “It’s not like you to worry. Should I be concerned?”

Meeting his stare, Gaius replies, “The only concern you should harbor will be for the day you manage to sneak up on me.”

With a smirk, Cyral muses, “Yes, brother… but in the meantime I’ll keep trying.”

---

Segmentum: Tempestus

Sector: Unknown variable “Veiled Region” – additional information required

Sub-sector: Unknown variable “Veiled Region” – additional information required

System: Avallonis

The area of space where the Ravens of the Harbinger discovered the Dolmen Gates lie buried within the Veiled Region located at the southern fridge of Segmentum Tempestus. Aptly named, the region has remained uncharted by Imperial navigators due to the dense nebulae and dim reach of the Astronomican beacon.

The Avallonis system remains relatively isolated from the myriad xenos in the region, due to constant warp storms impeding interstellar travel. To counter this, and to assist in maintaining a limited supply line from Imperial space, the Ravens have concealed buoys and space stations leading out from the system. This chain of breadcrumbs has been labeled as the Antioch Expanse, and is garrisoned with astropaths to assist in the limited bouts of warp travel. Through this chain, the Ravens of the Harbinger will occasionally be supplied with additional recruits by their Inquisitorial benefactors to help ensure that the project remains active. This periodic influx of potential aspirants has become known as The Migration.

Caligo has a peculiar uniqueness in that it appears to bear a symbiotic relationship with the gates and their placement around its orbit. The six moons are barely large enough to be exempt from being considered mere asteroids, yet they are all equidistant from another and form a geometric lattice around Caligo, suggesting that the planet itself plays a factor in the gates’ function. This aspect is also why the Dolmen Gates have not simply been relocated to Imperial space for further study.

Due to neither the moons nor Caligo being adequate to accommodate a fortress needed to support the chapter, appointed Chapter Master, Gaius Ikram Thanos, chose to augment their flagship battlebarge into a fortress-monastery. As it was deemed necessary to maintain anonymity within the region to reduce the threat of xenos incursions, the barge was docked inside a hollowed out asteroid which they anchored within the planet’s orbit. Their new sanctuary was christened The Aerie and serves as supply hub for the six concealed lunar stations.

Hmm, I have to say that sidebar is a touch on the large side and it isn't altogether that useful to the article (as previously mentioned by Messor) - I think, honestly, it should be jettisoned and replaced with something that, given it's place in the article, gives information of the chapters homeworld or perhaps the chapters relationship with it. Maybe you could even use it to provide info on the Dolmen Gates, considering it's a phenomenon that is pretty much unique. Like I said earlier, the fiction is okay, it's just that it's getting in the way of the article.

With this section of the main tract I'd like to pull you up on a few points - First of all the second paragraph needs to be clarified. You speak of xenos - what xenos? Orks? The Necrons? Whatever difficulties they have in warp travel won't indefinitely keep them at bay in such a hostile region, in fact the Veiled Region is probably impossible to 'remain isolated' from the predations of xenos. It's far more likely that your chapter has to deal Orks (and maybe Necrons) on a very regular basis. Also - the concealed buoys and stations that have astropaths on them are ripe for the taking and once done, your chapter, by the logic shown, would be almost as good as cut off (and it almost certainly would have happened at some point in the few thousand years they have existed). It'd be better to say that your home system is difficult to locate, even to the chapter itself. That way you can afford to be kind of nebulous without creating problems in logic for yourself. How difficult it may be is up to you but having a daisy chain that potentially has a great many single-point failures in it just strikes me as asking for trouble, especially considering you're relying on the Inquisition, of all people, to supply the astropaths. Space Marines and the Inquisition don't generally tend to get on very well, least of all because of the intransigent nature of one or both parties. All it would take is for some internal politics to cancel such supplies and that daisy chain is worthless. It's best to drop it altogether, I think.

The third paragraph itself can probably be condensed - it is overly wordy when much of it can be expressed in far fewer words. You might also wish to explain what exactly are the Dolmen Gates. Are they the moons themselves? Are they on the moons? Are they on the planet? Incidentally, I think the final sentence is redundant - this is Imperial space if it is claimed by astartes. And why exactly would they be moved in the first place? Why isn't there Mechanicus teams examining them now? The statement is effectively pointless.

In the fourth paragraph, you use 'due to' without quantifying the reason why. Why aren't they adequate? Is it the unsuitability of the planet? Is it spacial phenomena? Also, why not land the battle barge planetside and use that as the FM? Other chapters have done it. It would make a far more logically stable idea than capturing an asteroid, then landing on it and 'colonising' it, to use it as a FM. For a start the planet has better gravity and resources. It would also presumably have some sort of atmosphere whereas the asteroid does not. The FM could still be called 'The Aerie', no problem, it's just that the current location makes no sense given other options.

Alright, this process takes longer than I remember - I'll continue another time. I hope this helps.

[Messor]

I would simply add to Olisredan's thoughts on pruning an admonishment to keep what you prune, especially if you cut into/remove your datafile, and/or sidebar, for future use elsewhere. In fact either one of those would lend themselves well to an intro or part of a short story on your Chapter.

[Wulfebane]

Just to have an update, I've been giving what Olisredan said alot of thought and wholly agree to shorten and make relevant the sections highlighted. Still working on what exactly to trim but will hopefully have a revision before next weekend.

 

In regards to the fourth paragraph, I was trying to keep it less long-winded but I guess I didn't highlight the reasoning well enough. The moons were inadequate because they're too small and the planet is a gas giant, so has no surface to speak of, so neither could support the size of a fortress-monastery... aleast the size I believe them to be.

[Olis]

I would say that, unless the moons themselves were asteroids, what makes them a worse choice than a captured asteroid? I think you'll have to provide good reasoning in that regard.

[Wulfebane]

I would say that, unless the moons themselves were asteroids, what makes them a worse choice than a captured asteroid? I think you'll have to provide good reasoning in that regard.

Good point. It was something I was struggling with while writing.. I think in my mind I sort of grouped together a bunch of asteroids that accumulated into something bigger than the moons. Either way, it's a weak concept. I'm open to suggestions.

In the meantime, I've updated the 1st post to show the model scheme I expect most of my chapter to look like:

[Olis]

Bloody nice paintjob, I have to say. :lol:

 

As for suggestions, I have two for the time being:

 

1) Keep them fleet based and just have your current homeworld as a repository for, well, whatever you fancy (the dead, relics, wargear/ammo, gene-seed).

 

2) Turn The Aerie into a starfort, rather than have it as an asteroid. A Ramillies class one might be a decent candidate, as they have the most related fluff.

[Wulfebane]

Seems the forum update had some fun erasing the origin section from the first post. I'll see if I can resubmit it tomorrow. In the meantime....

 

2) Turn The Aerie into a starfort, rather than have it as an asteroid. A Ramillies class one might be a decent candidate, as they have the most related fluff.

 

Before I start Googling at random, happen to have any reliable links for starship class and other relevant 40k info?

[Veteran Sergeant]

My one thought, and I'll quote Wayne's World. "You know, for a security guard, he had an awful lot of information."

 

I really, really like the opening narrative. The problem is, it doesn't sound very Space Mariney at all. Way too much understanding. Way too much curiosity. Space Marines are hardened from the time they are small children to be unquestioning, relentless killers of the galaxy's troublesome squishy bits. It seems like a Space Marine wouldn't be so... enthusiastic. He wouldn't be so knowledgeable. Even if the Magos accompanying them for some reason had knowledge of the Old Ones and the Webway, etc, I don't know if he'd share it with the Space Marines. If Marines are accompanying the mission, it's as muscle, not as participants. I'd almost suggest having the parts about the site be dictated by a replacement member of the Mechanicum team? Or one that wasn't on the ground and thus killed, but who observed the mission through video capture from a servitor? You could split it into two succinct pieces. One an objective report of the conflict. And then a second by the more eager, excited voice of the Mechanicum adept. The Space Marine just seems way too excited and enthusiastic about screwing around with the Webway and the Warp. The story you're relating makes me imagine the Space Marine commander going all Michael Biehn in The Abyss, not hoping to find the means to jump start some sketchy xenos technology.

 

YMMV. Like I said. Great bit of writing. I just think you need a more believable narrator(s).

[Olis]

Before I start Googling at random, happen to have any reliable links for starship class and other relevant 40k info?

 

Apologies for the late reply - here's a wiki-link to give a rough overview of what they are. :)

[Wulfebane]

Before I start Googling at random, happen to have any reliable links for starship class and other relevant 40k info?

 

Apologies for the late reply - here's a wiki-link to give a rough overview of what they are. :)

Ramilles star-forts sound perfect! But wouldn't it be a little greedy/presumptuous of me to claim one given their difficulty to build and low quantity?

[Olis]

Well, the fact that some space marines have them as fortress monasteries is well established, so having one for your own chapter will be following precedent. Just don't have something silly, like five of them. :P

[Wulfebane]

Well, the fact that some space marines have them as fortress monasteries is well established, so having one for your own chapter will be following precedent. Just don't have something silly, like five of them.

Fair enough! Well, as I continue to trim down on the bulk of this, I'll rework the star-fort into the mix. I also want to eliminate or combine some of the other planets in the system.

@Vet. Sergeant - In response to your comment, for one he wasn't a "security guard". He was second in line to command the Blood Ravens escort fleet, so was privy to a lot of information. In addition, as a Blood Raven who always seek out information, he probably knows a great many secrets that even the Inquisition would be keen to learn of.

And while I didn't think he seemed all that enthusiastic, I believe as a BR, he would indeed be knowledgeable. Explained further in the IA, I make the hypothesis that several BR members believe they're descendants of Magnus. Accessing the Webway securely and building a foothold much like what the Emperor tried to do with the Golden Throne would be a way for them to redeem themselves for the mistakes Magnus made. I personally feel that any Blood Raven with the beliefs proposed would become a bit zealous at the prospect. Furthermore, his fleet has in its possession an artifact that I hinted at with the "security clearance" device, which was the secret agenda of the BR joining the Explorator fleet in the first place, in order to find its origins.

Oh, also I fixed the first post to show the original content prior to the forum update. Has all of the Origin story back up. So it atleast gives some content prior to the narrative, which I'm trying to trim atm anyway.

[Veteran Sergeant]

@Vet. Sergeant - In response to your comment, for one he wasn't a "security guard". He was second in line to command the Blood Ravens escort fleet, so was privy to a lot of information. In addition, as a Blood Raven who always seek out information, he probably knows a great many secrets that even the Inquisition would be keen to learn of.

 

LOL. The "security guard" comment is from the movie Wayne's World. The main characters meet a security guard who knows all about the behavior and movements of a record executive they are trying to track down. It's just a reference to the fact that the character had a lot of information that seemed out of character for him.

 

Again though, and you're welcome to disagree since I'm just offering you feedback, as that even for Blood Ravens, he seems like he is way too involved in the process and way too open minded for a Space Marine officer. Especially one as veteran as he seems to be. Space Marines aren't inquisitive. Not even the Blood Ravens. Playing around with the Warp is a major no-no. Remember, while the Blood Ravens may come to the conclusion that they are descended from the Thousand Sons, they don't know. Which means they don't have any information about the Thousand Sons and their history. Which means they don't actually know much about Magnus and the Thousand Sons at all. Which means they'd have no idea about the Webway and Magnus's plans. Basically, I think you're making the mistake where you're taking the information that you know as a player, and forgetting that your Space Marines live in a universe where record keeping is so awful that some Chapters have no idea where they come from, and when something is evil and awful, great pains are not taken to learn from those mistakes, but instead to eradicate any trace of those mistakes so nobody gets any funny ideas in the future, lol.

 

A moment of laxity spawns a lifetime of heresy, lol. Even a Blood Ravens Dreadnought can tell you that. Remember, the Blood Ravens have experienced first hand what happens when somebody tries to answer too many questions and learn too much. It nearly destroyed them more than once, and they seem to fall to Chaos every other time that Dawn of War gets an expansion and have to purge like half the Chapter. ;) I don't know if I feel like the Blood Ravens are overly curious or inquisitive. Seems like they'd know better by now. However, a Blood Ravens Librarian might be a good character if you want to keep a SM narrator. Those guys seem to need all kinds of supervision and don't learn their lessons.

[Wulfebane]

Haha, I'll take the librarian idea into consideration. You make a fair observation, I guess I'm just of the glass half-full mindset when assuming all the grand and secret things the Blood Ravens might keep hidden. I'll see about adding some 'grunt' to my marines' thoughts.

[Octavulg]

Sorry if I'm a bit terse. It's late.

THE RAVENS OF THE HARBINGER

The name feels weird, as others have commented. I also think there's a bit too much Harbinger in the IA as-is.

 

What exactly are you trying to convey with the name?

"For every man, woman and child born after the apex of the Heresy and the enthronement of the Emperor, there has been a profound yearning for His return. As His guiding light fades, the darkness leaves many people lost. We must not succumb to this darkness. We will return the light to the Imperium, and in doing so, find redemption through His grace upon His return."

I'd stop at "Imperium".

What resulted from this meeting was an Inquisitorial Mandate sanctioning the establishment of a new chapter - the Ravens of the Harbinger.

The Inquisition doesn't establish chapters. The High Lords do. The Inquisition might, of course, suggest that such a thing would be important, and the BR and the Inquisition both asking would be a weighty thing indeed. But it's still up to the High Lords.

 

After a lot more paragraphs, I discovered that you had done that, but had for some reason put the information somewhere else. Don't do that.

 

I quite like the color scheme except for the orange soft armor. That's just scary. I'd recommend black. It makes sense, it looks good, and it doesn't draw the eye to strange places.

We were too late. The magnitude of warp energy that emanated from the [REDACTED – sec. clearance: Gamma 2] devices proved too much for the minds of our sworn charges. All sentient members of the Mechanicum fleet either died instantly or driven insane from the backlash, but all results were the same – not a single member of the Explorator fleet were to survive. Only those of us among the Blood Ravens had the understanding and psychic wardings in place to defend against such an event, but even so, several of our brothers were caught unaware. Among the casualties, Master Sumner and his honor guard were slain when set upon by a warp-turned archmagos and several conjoined servitors, resulting in my untimely promotion.

Uh...then how'd all the ships get back? And what about the Navigators?

I have decided to reserve one strike cruiser to remain at Caligo to secure the Dolmen Gates and to establish an infrastructure within the system.

A Strike Cruiser just isn't that big crew-wise, especially if the serfs' numbers have been reduced by the psychic backlash.

 

And, perhaps most problematic: why do they need to secure this gate? It's not in Imperial space. Hell, turning it on badly and then scarpering would lead to a big fight between a variety of enemies of the Imperium. That's, y'know. Good. Furthermore, is it really that hard for the Imperium to get its hands on a webway gate? Countless Eldar vehicles have them. The Dark Eldar have them. They're all over the galaxy. There's one under the Imperial palace. They're not THAT rare.

 

Though, really, why do we need to know what the threat is? Faceless ones can be creepier in some ways. Plus, that way the psychics could spend a lot of time trying to work out what the threat IS. That, or have it be the Iron Men. Nobody ever has it be the Iron Men.

 

Most importantly, I think the report goes into more detail than is necessary. I'd just have the Inquisitors and BR captain explain it to the High Lords in a closed session, then tell the reader what happened there.

To serve as their fortress-monastery, the chapter was commissioned a Ramilles-class starfort in gratitude from the Mechanicum factions they often escort.

Uh...they don't often do anything. They're new. Also, last time all of their charges died.

A Murder of Crows

Nice, but doesn't seem to add that much to the IA itself. Also, the constant use of the present tense is a little weird.

Through Inquisitor Tharin's mandate, the Blood Ravens were able to curry favor with the High Lords of Terra, and at length were granted the establishment of a new chapter. Once determined, High Inquisitor Tharin approached the Blood Ravens with a proposal. At his behest, it was decided to conscribe a ranking Blood Raven librarian, Gaius Thanos, who was currently serving under the Ordo Xenos' Chamber Militant - the Deathwatch, and elevate his rank to that of Chapter Master and Chief Librarian for the new founding; the conjoined roles an acquiescence by the Inquisitor in deferment to a popular custom of the Blood Ravens. Tharin had appropriated the use of Gaius and his kill-team on several occasions, and was assured of his devotion to the Emperor and the ideals of the Inquisition. Moreso, Gaius has been entrusted with the knowledge and understanding of a vast assortment of closely guarded forbidden relics and xenos technology. Armed with these traits and his skillset and privileged information, Gaius was a prime candidate to lead the chapter. While other aspiring representatives were being considered, the favorable nod of a High Inquisitor, especially on the behalf of a librarian, made the Secret Masters' decision all the less complicated. Gaius took to the role of Chapter Master with zeal. Through his direction, combat squads would become more specialized. Tactics would be modified to lightning strikes and stealth incursions, falling more in line with his conditioned training among the Deathwatch, which by all reckoning, he deemed was more suitable for the situations him and his chapter would encounter.

This stuff should be earlier in the IA. Chronological order is a good thing. Especially when it's basic details about the founding like this.

Succession from the Blood Ravens has not diminished the chapter’s faith in the Emperor, nor lapsed in the tenets and methodologies practiced; if anything, under the guidance of Master Gaius, these ideals have been strengthened. For the most part, the new Ravens keep to the same structural deviations as their predecessors, but for the majority, still maintain codex adherence where possible. The location of the Dolmen Gates and the designated homeworld for the Ravens being so far from the light of the Astronomican, however, lends to their organizational divergence from a traditional Astartes chapter being inevitable. Additionally, the Ravens of the Harbinger make their predecessor’s habit of erring on the side of caution into an art form, given their understanding that they should not expect to receive any sort of reliable support or communication from the Imperium.

This is the organization section. The rest of it is basically extraneous or belongs somewhere else.

As successors to the Blood Ravens, the Ravens of the Harbinger boast an unsurprisingly large amount of librarians. By reason of the founding principles of the chapter, it is imperative that those with psychic potential swell the ranks of active prognosticators to better anticipate the Harbinger Threat. Unfortunately, with limited recruitment outside of Imperial space and their stock of gene-seed in short supply, the chapter is seldom above half strength. To make matters worse, screening for latent psychic potential takes a toll on prospective aspirants; while the Blood Raven gene-seed often imbues aspirants with psychic abilities to be harnessed later, the need for psykers in the chapter’s ranks is vital to the continued mission. As such, aspirants are scrutinized for any genetic markers that may cause the gene-seed’s unique traits to not present in the subject prior to implantation, lest the preciously low gene-seed reserves be wasted.

Uh...non-psykers are useful, too. For a variety of reasons. Among other things, they give you more progenoids. And don't get their minds eaten. And can shoot things with bolters without it being a waste of their talents.

As specialists in paralyzing deep strikes and infiltration missions, the Ravens of the Harbinger desire above all to remain anonymous within the Veiled Region. Although they seldom speak above subvocal commands on the battlefield, the deep strike assault units are often heard shouting as they plunge to the surface, “Let Death approach on the wings of Ravens!”

This section exemplifies the problem you have with wordiness.

 

"Although the Ravens seldom use it on their frequent infiltration missions, in more regular engagements the chapter has used the battle-cry "Death approaches on the wings of ravens!"

 

(I changed the battlecry since death is actually approaching, what with the Space Marines about to kill people and all. Also, it's shorter)

 

In any case, I think you see the point. Nothing of consequence is removed, yet it's half the length. An application of a similar principle to the rest of the IA wouldn't hurt. That said, I can give you some more examples in a day or two, so don't go hacking away at the thing just yet.

 

* * *

 

I want to work on the wordiness a bit, but I think there's some problems with the Harbinger Threat itself - in that I don't think it's actually that much of a threat.

 

Also, I want to get a slightly better picture of what you're trying to do - what kind of themes and ideas do you want to make sure get conveyed?

[Wulfebane]

*EDIT* - Removed some things. Made modifications suggested by Octavulg and removed the Murder of Crows sidebar... until I can figure out a better way to introduce it, I'll just leave it out altogether.

 

Those that don't know of it can read it here and maybe help with its edit/placement.

 

Adorned in blackened ceramite armor, a lone figure stalks through the underbrush of the alien jungle. The Astartes bears no markings, save for the crest of the Raven Guard upon his right shoulder and that of the Deathwatch on his left. A seasoned veteran from the ranks of one of the Raven Guard’s tactical squads, Cyral’s fifth year among the Deathwatch has only permitted the traits of his chapter to be honed more thoroughly. His relatively new brothers among the Deathwatch have come to value and depend on his knack for infiltration and tactical outmaneuvering.

As he makes his way down a craggy slope toward what appears to be a small campsite, Cyral draws a blade from his hip, its monomolecular edge glinting in the moonlight. With a subvocal utterance, his helmet’s visor adjusts to reveal the heat signature of another figure within the campsite. Meeting the perimeter’s edge of the camp, Cyral slowly approaches the figure, now clearly visible as another Astartes clad in similar armor save for the heraldry of a Blood Ravens’ librarian emblazoned upon his shoulder.

The librarian sits upon a stone outcropping overlooking an embattled fortress complex, a softly glowing holo terminal resting in his lap. Gaius lifts his exposed head slightly, eyes remaining transfixed upon the screen. With a heavy sigh, he casually admonishes, “Do you not tire of these games, Brother Cyral?”

Scowling slightly, Cyral breaks into a stride. Thrusting his dagger back in its sheath, he quips, “Curse your sight, Old Bird! How could you have possibly known?”

“We are Ravens, you and I. Who better to discern the minds of mortal men than us?”

“Ahh, but we’re not entirely mortal, are we?”
Looking up from his text, Gaius turns to face the fortress and concurs, “No, of that we are not. Unfortunately neither is our quarry, making it far more vexing to squelch their profane rhetoric than it is to divine your whereabouts .”

Cyral moves to sit opposite Gaius, watching the turret-mounted searchlights sway below. Removing his helmet, he shifts his gaze to peer at Gaius. “It’s not like you to worry. Should I be concerned?”

Meeting his stare, Gaius replies, “The only concern you should harbor will be for the day you manage to sneak up on me.”

With a smirk, Cyral muses, “Yes, brother… but in the meantime I’ll keep trying.”

 

 

Finally found time to sit down and read this over thoroughly! I would greatly appreciate the help in cutting back on its "wordiness"! That seems to be the biggest suggestion/complaint, and one I mostly agree with. I'm just not sure where to trim, or how to do it; I have a hard time re-writing sentence structures.

 

For what I'm wanting to convey, I guess I'll start with the name. I wanted to make "Harbinger" refer to the coming of something big.. whether a huge war of many races, or the Imperium seizing a beachhead in the Webway as intended by the Emperor - each prophesized outcome, and their variations, could both represent a harbinger. "Ravens" was just me reflecting my two favorite codex-adherent chapters (Raven Guard and Blood Ravens) and it fit with the Harbinger motif.

 

The whole purpose of the chapter is to contain/quarantine/benefit from the Harbinger Threat idea dealing with the Dolmen Gates. From what I could find on Warp and Dolmen gates, they did seem to be rare.. The Emperor did discover a "portal" leading to the Webway, and the Golden Throne built around it, but it wasn't specified what sort of portal it was (that I could find). Eldar warp gates are precious and rare commodities, so I would think they'd have them all accounted for or destroyed on purpose. This left me with the sparce Dolmen Gates left behind by the dormant Necrons.

 

Things I wanted to do with the chapter:

-A break from, and ally to, my space wolf army. I wanted to use the BA codex for this and through lots of asking around, decided the Blood Ravens' traits could be manipulated to fit the BA USRs. I'd considered Raven Guard, but wanted a more polished/shiny appearance than corvus-style armor.

 

-I liked the idea of 1k Sons prior to the Heresy, where they weren't "bad", just flawed. I also love psykers. The cursed founding and speculations of Blood Ravens being 1kS successors allowed for loads of psykers, mystery, C:BA compliance, and a paradox allowing something (possibly) stemming from 1kSons to ally with my SWs. 

 

-I wanted the chapter to feel reverent and stoic, sort of like how the DA come off, including the aspect of seeking redemption from Magnus's mistake. Lots of cloth, religious iconography, baroque and/or gothic ornamentation...again, something to break from my wolf pelts and shaggy beards army. Aesthetically, and to help blend the idea of C:BA USRs being duplicated with psychic abilities, I wanted to use mini psychic hoods like the GKs and as much ornate or Mk8 armor I could get my hands on. I also wanted a twin blade motif, which would require the wrist-mounted bolter. I'd like to keep the orange soft armor. I purposely wanted something different from black/dark, if not somewhat glowy. It's fair less distracting on the painted model shown, so I hope it'll be overlooked. I was sort of envisioning the orange NASA flight suits when I picked the color.

 

-I tried to make the chapter feel isolated and on a mission of an exploratory nature to befit Blood Raven agendas (archeotech, knowledge-seeking, etc). The Halo Stars and neighboring sectors, felt like a good match for that. I also like Necrons and Eldar fluff, though not so much Tau, Orks, or Tyranids, so the Veiled Region offered a higher concentration of the former, with concession to orks. Being in that region, I knew that recruiting would be a struggle, and that helped to keep them under strength, which I wanted. It also keeps their numbers smaller, to avoid detection.

 

 

Uh...non-psykers are useful, too. For a variety of reasons. Among other things, they give you more progenoids. And don't get their minds eaten. And can shoot things with bolters without it being a waste of their talents.

True. This might be me focusing more on what I intended to use for my allied detachment, rather than a whole chapter. I plan to take a lot of BA DC, and as mentioned, explain away the USRs with psychic abilities.. so that may be why I emphasized it so much. I'll try to tone it back.

 

 

Uh...then how'd all the ships get back? And what about the Navigators?

Guess I didn't explain it too well.. though if the section is removed/shortened, it likely won't matter. All the ships didn't. A handful of the escort BR ships returned. The Navigators were (I guess I assumed?) shielded by their little warp bubble rooms they lock themselves into when warp travelling. The remaining ships were destroyed or abandoned as there wasn't enough crew to man them.

 

 

....quite a lot of long-winded rambling, I'm sure, but I hope this helps explain myself better. Even my explanations need trimming....

[NightrawenII]

Well, let see...

For what I'm wanting to convey, I guess I'll start with the name. I wanted to make "Harbinger" refer to the coming of something big.. whether a huge war of many races, or the Imperium seizing a beachhead in the Webway as intended by the Emperor - each prophesized outcome, and their variations, could both represent a harbinger. "Ravens" was just me reflecting my two favorite codex-adherent chapters (Raven Guard and Blood Ravens) and it fit with the Harbinger motif.

Apparently... I'm the minority here who think the color scheme and chapter name are matter of personal taste and therefore subject to be ignored for the most part. There are exceptions, but neither apply in this case.

 

The whole purpose of the chapter is to contain/quarantine/benefit from the Harbinger Threat idea dealing with the Dolmen Gates. From what I could find on Warp and Dolmen gates, they did seem to be rare.. The Emperor did discover a "portal" leading to the Webway, and the Golden Throne built around it, but it wasn't specified what sort of portal it was (that I could find). Eldar warp gates are precious and rare commodities, so I would think they'd have them all accounted for or destroyed on purpose. This left me with the sparce Dolmen Gates left behind by the dormant Necrons.

*the bolded part*

Well, unfortunately, they are not. Webway is the Eldar primary tool of travel across Galaxy, not having exits (the gates) scattered around in any significant numbers would be... counterintuitive. Moreover, the webway is not something a orderly mind can comprehend, but a chaotic maze, and the Eldar seems to have lost all the maps.

 

-A break from, and ally to, my space wolf army. I wanted to use the BA codex for this and through lots of asking around, decided the Blood
Ravens' traits could be manipulated to fit the BA USRs. I'd considered Raven Guard, but wanted a more polished/shiny appearance than
corvus-style armor.

Hmmm, but the Blood Ravens are studious and scholastic, while the Blood Angels are fiery and bloodthirsty. That's almost polar opposite.

 

-I liked the idea of 1k Sons prior

to the Heresy, where they weren't "bad", just flawed. I also love psykers. The cursed founding and speculations of Blood Ravens being 1kS
successors allowed for loads of psykers, mystery, C:BA compliance, and a paradox allowing something (possibly) stemming from 1kSons to ally with my SWs. 

Being flawed is where it begins...

Also, the SW don't like magic. So, psyker-heavy Chapter =/= friend of SW.

 

-I wanted the chapter to feel reverent and stoic, sort of like how the DA come off, including the aspect of seeking redemption from Magnus's mistake. Lots of cloth, religious iconography, baroque and/or gothic ornamentation...again, something to break from my wolf pelts and shaggy beards army. Aesthetically, and to help blend the idea of C:BA USRs being duplicated with psychic abilities, I wanted to use mini psychic hoods like the GKs and as much ornate or Mk8 armor I could get my hands on. I also wanted a twin blade motif, which would require the wrist-mounted bolter. I'd like to keep the orange soft armor. I purposely wanted something different from black/dark, if not
somewhat glowy. It's fair less distracting on the painted model shown, so I hope it'll be overlooked. I was sort of envisioning the orange NASA flight suits when I picked the color.

And you want to use C: BA with all the red thirst and black rage rampage? Hm, I sense great disturbance in the warp...

 

 

~ NightrawenII

[Wulfebane]

And you want to use C: BA with all the red thirst and black rage rampage? Hm, I sense great disturbance in the warp...

 

 

~ NightrawenII

Hehe. When you view them under those labels, yes you're right. But when you tear those USRs down into the stats/rules they offer, they can be explained away by minute psychic premonition and telekinetic force. Unlike BA, they don't have to crave bloodshed just because they make use of the USRs under different labels. It is the same as someone using the C:SW codex and explaining away acute senses with advanced recon equipment.

 

I agree with the Wolves not believing in psykers, but they do practice spiritual magic and can appreciate the aide of an ally, regardless of their methods. After all, its the Wolves that are known for getting the job done by any means. And its not like they gotta go have a drink with them after the battle.

 

As to the warp gates, while there may be more of them, I wanted the chapter to uncover necron tech, which limits it to the Dolmen Gates, which are much less in quantity from what I read.. Also, I wanted to hint at the amount and arrangement of the gates around the planet to denote something more significant than finding just a single gate.

 

To be honest NightrawenII, I expected to open your post to see my IA ripped to shreds based on other threads, so I hope I'm atleast on the right track and you weren't simply tired. XD

[NightrawenII]

I agree with the Wolves not believing in psykers, but they do practice spiritual magic and can appreciate the aide of an ally, regardless of their methods. After all, its the Wolves that are known for getting the job done by any means. And its not like they gotta go have a drink with them after the battle.

The Mortifactors refused to fight alongside the Lamenters just because the later are Cursed Founding Chapter. I don't think the SW will fight alongside cowardly wizards.

The Imperium is powered by prejudice and narrow-mindeness.

To be honest NightrawenII, I expected to open your post to see my IA ripped to shreds based on other threads, so I hope I'm atleast on the right track and you weren't simply tired. XD

Errm.

I have bias against Chapters shrouded in mystery, psyker-heavy Chapters and Blood Ravens. You really cannot expect miracles.

[Wulfebane]

I don't think the SW will fight alongside cowardly wizards.

If Wolves can have Eldar, Grey Knights, even Dark Eldar as allies of convenience, I'm willing to give them the benefit of the doubt. ;)

[Octavulg]

Wulfebane

For what I'm wanting to convey, I guess I'll start with the name. I wanted to make "Harbinger" refer to the coming of something big.. whether a huge war of many races, or the Imperium seizing a beachhead in the Webway as intended by the Emperor - each prophesized outcome, and their variations, could both represent a harbinger. "Ravens" was just me reflecting my two favorite codex-adherent chapters (Raven Guard and Blood Ravens) and it fit with the Harbinger motif.

In that case, I'd just keep "Ravens" and ditch "Harbinger". Replace it with an adjective that's more suited to the threat. Giant cyclops creatures from beyond the void, for example, should see the Ravens of Odysseus or the Void Ravens ("Nobody" is, after all, a void).

The whole purpose of the chapter is to contain/quarantine/benefit from the Harbinger Threat idea dealing with the Dolmen Gates. From what I could find on Warp and Dolmen gates, they did seem to be rare.. The Emperor did discover a "portal" leading to the Webway, and the Golden Throne built around it, but it wasn't specified what sort of portal it was (that I could find). Eldar warp gates are precious and rare commodities, so I would think they'd have them all accounted for or destroyed on purpose. This left me with the sparce Dolmen Gates left behind by the dormant Necrons.

Warp Gates are fairly common. Dolmen Gates, meanwhile, suck compared to Webway Gates. Hardly a good trade.

I'd recommend some other threat altogether. I have some ideas that didn't get used in the Ice Lords and some that I can just come up with now.

Idea A: Genestealer Patriarch. From when the planet was still warm. Sleeping. His children defend him. Maybe more powerful than the Emperor. So powerful, that when he awoke, he could call down more Tyranids on the galaxy than it could in any way handle. He actually knew the Tyranids intended to devour him (for some reason - he was just that good a psyker, maybe?) and put himself into stasis for the future of the cult. The Marines are there to keep him from waking up and kill anything that tries to.

Idea B: Giant self-monitoring artifacts capable of destroying worlds. The Marines try to hunt them down, occasionally succeeding.

Idea C: The Emperor. They found what they think is the Emperor, and the Marines are posted to prevent anyone from finding him again. No one knows why he's there. No one knows who's on the throne in his place. Reveal this only through a very tiny sidebar that's very cagey. The Marines may not even know, so they mostly just keep people from landing and spend their energies in other ways - perhaps they think there's a bigger threat, when really they're just watchdogs. This could be a lot of fun, now that I think about it. Finding a duplicate of Terra would work similarly.

Idea D: Some kind of giant space creature that spawns on planets and eats stars. Your Marines would basically be whalers. Please base them on a moon.

Idea E: Dark Age of Technology AI. And its army. The Iron Men. What the Necrons want to be when they grow up.

Idea F: A lot of Dyson Spheres (that are somehow distinct from the one people think that C'Tan is in).

I'd recommend something space-based. Feels right for your guys. Though I love that Emperor idea a lot.

-A break from, and ally to, my space wolf army. I wanted to use the BA codex for this and through lots of asking around, decided the Blood Ravens' traits could be manipulated to fit the BA USRs. I'd considered Raven Guard, but wanted a more polished/shiny appearance than corvus-style armor.

You could do almost a reverse Varangian thing - have a disciplined, professional army that sends a contingent as semi-mercenaries to support the Wolves.

-I liked the idea of 1k Sons prior to the Heresy, where they weren't "bad", just flawed. I also love psykers. The cursed founding and speculations of Blood Ravens being 1kS successors allowed for loads of psykers, mystery, C:BA compliance, and a paradox allowing something (possibly) stemming from 1kSons to ally with my SWs.

But the Wolves don't like sneaky psykers (because they're big flaming hypocrites).

-I wanted the chapter to feel reverent and stoic, sort of like how the DA come off, including the aspect of seeking redemption from Magnus's mistake. Lots of cloth, religious iconography, baroque and/or gothic ornamentation...again, something to break from my wolf pelts and shaggy beards army. Aesthetically, and to help blend the idea of C:BA USRs being duplicated with psychic abilities, I wanted to use mini psychic hoods like the GKs and as much ornate or Mk8 armor I could get my hands on. I also wanted a twin blade motif, which would require the wrist-mounted bolter. I'd like to keep the orange soft armor. I purposely wanted something different from black/dark, if not somewhat glowy. It's fair less distracting on the painted model shown, so I hope it'll be overlooked. I was sort of envisioning the orange NASA flight suits when I picked the color.

These don't sound like BA Codex or like guys likely to get along well with the Space Wolves.

-I tried to make the chapter feel isolated and on a mission of an exploratory nature to befit Blood Raven agendas (archeotech, knowledge-seeking, etc). The Halo Stars and neighboring sectors, felt like a good match for that. I also like Necrons and Eldar fluff, though not so much Tau, Orks, or Tyranids, so the Veiled Region offered a higher concentration of the former, with concession to orks. Being in that region, I knew that recruiting would be a struggle, and that helped to keep them under strength, which I wanted. It also keeps their numbers smaller, to avoid detection.

The Veiled Region's a long way from Fenris, innit?

True. This might be me focusing more on what I intended to use for my allied detachment, rather than a whole chapter. I plan to take a lot of BA DC, and as mentioned, explain away the USRs with psychic abilities.. so that may be why I emphasized it so much. I'll try to tone it back.

Those are weird psychic abilities. It feels off to me. I can't really put my finger on why, though.

If Wolves can have Eldar, Grey Knights, even Dark Eldar as allies of convenience, I'm willing to give them the benefit of the doubt

Not sure I am. The Wolves make female stereotypes look consistent and rational.

* * *

Nightrawen

Apparently... I'm the minority here who think the color scheme and chapter name are matter of personal taste and therefore subject to be ignored for the most part. There are exceptions, but neither apply in this case.

Since they're the two things almost everyone who encounters the army on the tabletop will be exposed to, I'd say they're pretty damn important. Plus, there's a lot of official chapters whose names are intrinsically linked to the nature of the Chapter (Imperial Fists, Blood Angels, Space Wolves, Salamanders, Word Bearers, Night Lords, Iron Warriors...).

It matters.

[NightrawenII]

I think, you have misunderstood me.

I'm not saying the name/scheme should be neglected. I'm saying that [extreme example, mind you] you shouldn't come and say,"Your scheme/name is bad, change it.". That's because, unlike the other aspects in Chapter creation, these two things are purely matter of personal taste.

 

So, unless the name is outright silly or lame, I don't think it matters enough to start argument.

 

 

~ NightrawenII

[Octavulg]

Almost everything's a matter of personal taste. Fluff adherence even is, to some extent. Colour scheme and chapter names are just as open to criticism as anything else.