Void Wraiths

[WolfPriestBob]

Marshal,

 

I have been following this thread for sometime. I have refrained from commenting until now out of interest to see how you develop you background with the feedback already provided.  I have decided to finally offer my own observations. I hope you take the feedback I will provide with grace and understanding that this is not a personal attack. I simply wish to point out some flaws, and hopefully encourage and coach you to be open-minded and use feedback (regardless of whether it is constructive or destructive) to grow and improve.

 

The first bit of feedback I have for you is, this; many of you responses to earlier posted comments are seriously coming across as defensive. I know that, in your mind, much of what you have written makes perfect sense. Clearly however, it does not make complete sense to many of the persons who have offered critique. Isn't the entire purpose of writing an IA article to share and convey your thoughts and ideas "clearly" and with "understanding" to the average reader. If someone comments that they do not agree with an element of your writing, then would it not be more fruitful to offer either an expanded explanation of your position to increase the readers understanding, or (even better) to first consider the grounds upon which the commenter bases their disagreement and weigh that against your own entrenched perceptions.  In contrast, by simply responding "i just refuse to waste time explaining things to someone, when the explanations are already present." you show the same maturity that an elementary school child would give when someone challenges their opinion.

 

Secondly, and please forgive the abruptness of this, much of the elements of your chapter background are WAY outside the realm of feasibility. I offer the following as examples and reasoning for why these ideas do not mesh well with the 40k universe

 

 1.  Over-use of the "unknown" plot hook -  While individually, these plot devices are not terribly problematic, they are indicative of lazy literary technique. To say that your chapter came out of nowhere, is of an unknown founding, of unknown progenitor decent, unknown allegiance and unknown size just gives the impression that you could not be bothered to come up with something more distinctive.

 

 2. Implausible origins -  You are not alone in this sin Simply put, you appear to have fallen into the trap of trying to put your chapter "on par" with other, well established Space Marine chapters. For instance, you state in your article that your chapter "came out of nowhere", and that they are "..not part of the Imperium", and yet they have a UNIQUE relationship with the Adeptus Mechanicus that far outshines the relationships that chapters such as the Iron Hands and Invaders have had even though their relationships stretch back as far as before the formation of the Imperium (i.e. Iron Hands). Doesn't that seem a bit arrogant?  if your chapter was THAT special, they would have their own Codex already, right?

 

When you say that your chapter is "not of the Imperium" you must mean either (a They originate from out side the boundaries of the Imperium..perhaps on a forgotten colony world(s) or system, or (b They were once part of the Imperium and then seceded from it. Either premise would have an abundance of problems with justification such as;

 

     How were they formed? How did they form a military structure that so closely resembles Space Marines? Was there a copy of the Codex Astartes just lying

      around in some attic?  If they were once part of the Imperium, then why did they leave?

 

     How did they get their hands on gene-seed? One of the most preciously guarded resources of the Imperium..

 

     How did someone "not of the imperium" know how to grow, develop and implant the 19 zygotes necessary for the creation of a single space marine?

 

     How did they obtain their wargear?  Did they steal it? (that would be a lot of sacred armor, including precious terminator armor, and other

       specialized wargear to just have it arbitrarily stolen and forgotten by the Imperium (not to mention the AdMech). Did they just find it?  Or, if they made it

       themselves, how did they get the STC to make it? How did they get the materials? How did they obtain the needed forges?

 

     Why did they integrate into the Imperium? Having originated from outside the boundaries of the Imperium, what vested interest would they have to return to

       the Imperium? Why would they sacrifice themselves for its defense?

 

     How did they integrate into the Imperium?  The imperium is an enormous engine of Xenophobic Isolationism compounded by Schizophrenic Paranoia. To   

      propose that a chapter of Space Marines could just "appear" out of nowhere and be embraced as equals instead of declared heretics and "shot on sight"

      as another commenter eloquently phrased, is pure arrogance unless you have devoted a diligent and well thought out premise for how and why this

      occurred. It is not enough to simply say it is so. Just because they field imperial technology, wear Imperial icons and know some imperial doctrine, doesn't

      make them "one of the good guys".. if memory serves, each of the traitor legions once met those criteria as well...

 

     How did they get their hands on so many warships?  Any one of these vessels (even a strike cruiser, not to mention an entire  battlebarge) would be

      enough to precipitate an engagement with the Imperial Navy (not to mention other space marine chapters) in order to recover it. There is no way that

      the Imperial Navy, Adeptus Mechanicus, or another Space Marine Chapter would surrender even ONE such vessel without a lot of due cause. To iterate

      again, you cannot simply say it is so, and have your readers agree/believe/take serious your writing. You can only stretch the boundaries of good

      judgement so far..

 

     How did they build a relationship with the Adeptus Mechanicus?  In your writing you state that the Admech allows your chapter to ignore their gene-seed

      tithe requirements in exchange for access to your chapters vast repository of technological arcana.. REALLY???

        

     * your chapter is "unknown", having originated from "outside" the Imperium..;  EVERYONE, from the High Lords of Terra to the Inquisition, to the AdMech

       themselves would be frothing at the mouth to learn your chapters genetic legacy and whether or not your chapters gene-seed was pure!

     * For what feasible reason would the AdMech..an entity with a vast stranglehold on accumulated technology, dating back to before the Imperium was

       founded and wielding comparatively limitless power, feel compelled to make such an altogether unheard of allowance for your chapter, that they do not

       even make for First Founding Chapters with over 10,000 years of loyalty and service to the Imperium (i.e. Iron Hands).  I mean, really? Think about it. It is

       more likely that IF your chapter had any technological arcana that the AdMech coveted, they would simply pressure either the Ecclesiarchy or the

       Inquisition to declare your chapter renegade heretics, then send a massive fleet of Skitarii to pound your chapter into submission and then take the arcana

       they seek. Since your chapter is outside the Imperium, and therefore has no Imperial Sanction, and thus declared renegade heretics, no one in the

       Imperium would even take notice.

     * Why would the AdMech (not to mention the Inquisition and the Administratum) allow an "unknown" outside formation of space marines to recruit from a

       "Forbidden" world??  They are forbidden for a reason, right??

 

Again, I hope you can understand that this is NOT intended as a personal attack, but rather a call to attention for some very important reasoning flaws that will make many readers stop and scratch their head in puzzlement.  I encourage and implore you to revisit your work with an open mind and re-evaluate your writing to see if you can agree with any of my feedback, or at least use it as motivation to further flesh out your writing to fulfill its potential.

 

Good luck and best regards.

Edited May 29, 2013 by WolfPriestBob

[WolfPriestBob]

I must apologize. I broke my own rule in the previous post by not offering solutions to my observations. Therefore, for what its worth I offer the following nuggets;

 

 

Keep it simple.  Everyone wants their particular IA article to stand out.  Everyone wants their chapter to have "coolness". Standing Out and Coolness do not often come about from outlandish concepts, or escalation of capacities (i.e. my chapter can beat your chapter because it has this, this and this...). Standing Out and Coolness most often is derived from simple, but well thought out, well developed and well delivered concepts, that bring a unified character, compelling backstory and definitive purpose to the writing.

 

Focus on one or two key concepts and delve deeply into those aspects. Make them the nucleus of the Chapter concept and weave them thoroughly into the fabric of the Chapter.

 

For example, lets say you are dead set on your chapter having the relationship with the Adeptus Mechanicus that you espoused in you previous writing. Then take a minute to step back and REALLY think about what would be involved in developing that type of trust/devotion between the Chapter and the AdMech to allow for that type of relationship.  Maybe your chapter was a first, undocumented attempt by the AdMech to develop or harness the technology the Emperor used to fashion the Primarchs. Maybe your chapter was unsanctioned by the High Lords and therefore could pose a threat to the harmony between the AdMech and the Imperium if the secret were to be uncovered. Therefore, the AdMech goes through great pains to obscure and obfuscate the orgins and identity of your chapters heritage (including gene-tithing) in order to protect its own interests.

 

Even this concept really skirts the limits of feasibility, as it is unlikely that the AdMech would take such a risk. However, with some more thought and development, you could further expand on this concept to really justify why the AdMech would risk so much for the sake of creating a single chapter.

 

Also, beware of creating your own unique chapter specific units. To say that a relatively new, unknown and less significant chapter (and lets face it, all DIY chapters are, by nature, less significant than the ones already developed throughout 40k cannon) has its own unique chapter specific units, is a the very least, egotistical.  Instead, try to develop existing units with features and quirks that allow distinction without diminishing the Chapters humility.  For example, perhaps your veteran Sternguard units field a variant of the Chapter iconography, or chapter colors and have a preference for using melta weapons. Perhaps the members of a certain company were involved in an important engagement that shaped the Chapters future, and as such, they wear a distinctive arrangement of the chapter colors/iconography in recognition of their significant contributions. You can accomplish a lot with a good backstory without having to resort to creating new rules.

 

Lastly, don't skimp on the details.  By this I mean, flesh out the origins of your Chapter. Answer the obvious questions with something more than "unknown". Why are they called Void Wraiths? Maybe they favor infiltration and hit & run tactics. Maybe witnesses say they "appear and disappear like wraiths" from the battlefield.  Where do they hail from? Do they have a particular purpose, such as guarding the Cadian Gate, or defending against incursions from the Ghoul Stars? Whatever you do though, keep it humble and keep it believable. Don't try to put your chapter on par with First Founding chapters, or other chapters of note..it really strains the readers confidence in your writing.

 

Well there you go. For what its worth, I hope you find something useful out of that gibberish.

 

Best of luck with regards.

[Lord Marshal Ragnrok]

well i must say i was not expecting that long of a post at present. thanks for your commentary, i will certainly be reviewing it when i have time to work on this properly.  i will say that many of the problems you have pointed out are already marked for editing/clarification etc.  however, for the meantime, you will find some info on how i will approach things or what i will be working on in my last large post (the one answering the issues summarized by Escritter).  two things though that i think i should say now is that the chapter origins will take a lot of time because i will need to create a brand new cms faction to make it work.  i have the idea, its just not written anywhere.  the other thing is that i have thought out the combat doctrine and name relationship more - both will make more sense with an simple fix i thought of (dont know why i did think of it before).

i think this time im just going to post that iv done something after iv done it rather than promise something and find out i dont have time for it.  i think this coming week i might some time to do bits and pieces.  fyi my work schedule is annoyingly unpredictable.

Edited May 29, 2013 by The Lord Marshal

[Lord Marshal Ragnrok]

picked up reading Fear to Tread for inspiration XD

[Lord Marshal Ragnrok]

finally some progress! i worked on the combat doctrine a bit. not huge changes, but better clarification.  also, i plan to start a notebook thread for ideas on all my IAs, which i would link on my sig.  i put things there that i have not started but will be thinking about.

 

but, until i figure out where to put that, im putting down an idea here for the time being.

 

idea - VW's origins and connections to their creators spawns a minority, but fanatical, splinter faction in the chapter that develops into civil war, threatening to ruin the chapter's purpose to their creators and expose them to the imperium: either of which spells certain doom.

 

also, ships named Queen of Empire and Abysmal Gale to be put in somewhere

 

EDIT - Here is that Notebook thread!   http://www.bolterandchainsword.com/topic/276792-the-lord-marshals-idea-notebook/

Edited June 12, 2013 by The Lord Marshal

[Lord Marshal Ragnrok]

did some work on it today. mostly History Section - started the revamp/planning for writing.

[Lord Marshal Ragnrok]

so i have gotten into wayyyyy too many DIYs. but i did manage to add a bunch of images today