IA: Void Angels

[Knurd]

VOID ANGELS

The Void Angels are a supposed Blood Angel successor although it has never confirmed or denied. When the Chapter was founded it was from an unknown geneseed but when the Chapter experienced a catastrophe known to them as The Descent, they began to shows symptoms exactly the same as the Blood Angels gene flaws. Although it has never been made for sure if they are true Sons of Sanguinius, they hold pride in being his progeny. While they are not as reserved as the Angels Vermillion who helped them find their way after The Descent, they do not readily join forces with other forces if it is not necessary.

Since The Descent they have adopted a monastic existence keeping to themselves, for the most part, except for when they travel the galaxy on their Blood Pilgrimages. They are led by a council called the Synod, but a little known fact outside the Chapter is that the Synod is divided because of their strong alliance with the Mechanicum. The alliance has helped them throughout their history but it is now bordering on them being the AdMech lapdogs.

ORIGINS

The Imperium was faced with many attacks from the Ruinous Powers for the last dozen or so solar years, Terra feared that Chaos was looking for a weak point before another Black Crusade. The High Lords decided that more Astartes were needed to guard areas where Chaos could attack from. The Void Angels were one of those Chapters that needed to be ready to answer the call when the day arrived.

The Void Angels were created from an unknown gene seed late in the 35^th Millennium. The Void Angels were created as a fleet based Chapter and made use of all their ships to aid the Imperium by answering as many calls for help as they could. Their loyalty was unquestioned and their valor and battle prowess was exemplary. The Chapter was highly praised were and were held in high regards by Imperial forces in short time.

The day had finally come to defend the Imperium from Abaddon and his forces. As usual their forces we scattered across Segmentum Obscurus and Segmentum Pacificus, so they had decided to rendezvous and consolidate their forces before they join the other Imperial forces. As their flagship, Angel’s Ark, reached the rally point they saw their waiting forces being attacked by Dark Eldar. The Angel’s Ark immediately opened fire as well as its accompanying ships. The Dark Eldar were taken by surprise and were devastated as more and more ships arrived. The raiders fled to avoid further onslaught and the fleet was in no shape to give chase.

The ambushed ships had sustained a lot of damage so the Chapter Master ordered that all ships be made ready for void travel. Repairs took a while to finish but even when they were done the Techmarines were not comfortable that the repairs were enough. The Master of the Forge recommended that these ships be taken to the nearest forge world or somewhere capable of repairing the ships, but the Chapter Master refused. He wanted to join the rest of the Imperial forces in full force.

As the fleet traveled the Immaterium problems started happening. They were unable to contain the warp engine in one of the ships which led to it detonating. This caused a chain reaction since the ensuing shockwave assaulted other ships, the already damaged ships did not last very long. The explosions damaged other ships as well, some even losing their Gellar fields. This catastrophe was a beacon for the denizens of Warp, drawing them in masses. The ships that had lost their Gellar fields were immediately overtaken and their passengers attacked.

The ships began to come out of the Warp only to immediately be assailed by an unseen enemy. The Angel’s Ark, one of the Chapter’s battle barges, crashed into an asteroid being unable to react in time; the fleet had dropped out of the Warp into the middle of an asteroid field. The ships were finally able to gain their bearings and set themselves into the same orbit as the asteroids. As they were assessing the damage they had taken all ships that had lost their Gellar fields were destroyed, they were not going to take the risk of any Warp denizens hitching a ride on their ships. To make matters worse it seemed that all their attempts to communicate were being bounced back.

This calamity has caused devastating damage to the fleet but they were finally able ascertain where in the galaxy they had ended up, they were in the galactic south of the Segmentum Tempestus in the outer edges of the Veiled Region. Knowledge of this region was very limited and the little there was could not be relied upon. They had no luck trying to communicate with the Imperium so they decided to send one of the few ships, the Strike Cruiser Void Ripper, they were confident would be able to traverse through the Veiled Region by using the Immaterium. In the meantime, they used the remaining ships to explore the region.

The Void Ripper was having problems within the Warp. The Navigator was unable to successfully able to maneuver through the Warp. At one point they had traveled deeper into the Veiled Region. Upon finally reaching normal space they began to send out communications and eventually they heard back from a ship nearby, the ship belonged to the Angels Vermillion. After they had explained what had happened it turns out that the Void Angels had been missing for years. It is unsure why the Angels Vermillion assisted of all Chapters assisted the Void Angels, but they sent an escort ship to see if they could help.

They finally arrived at the crash site after months of void ravel and most of the ships were missing, the few sips that were there stated that they had not been able to reach the rest of the fleet for some time. They set out to find the other ships and eventually they came across the Battle Barge, Angel’s Tear. This was the ship that the Chapter Master was on and it was supposed to have stayed by the crash site. The ship was not responding to communications attempts so the ships were boarded. The scene aboard the ship was one of blood and gore, brother marines along with servitors and serfs lay dead. They could not ponder what enemy could cause this kind of devastation to an Astartes ship. There was not a soul to be found aboard the ship.

The Angel’s Tear had been anchored above a planet that seemed to have hospitable qualities. They decided that they would keep a few squads aboard the ship to continue investigating and the rest would go to the surface leaving half of the Angels Vermillion on board while the rest left to the surface. Upon arriving on the surface they were able to find an Astartes landing craft which had been badly damaged. They began to search the surrounding area when they were assaulted by fellow Marines. The Void Angels were surprised to see their own Brothers staring back at them with unbridled hatred in their eyes, attacking them as they would any xeno filth. They defended themselves but were unable to bring themselves to finish off their brethren. The Angels Vermillion began to open fire on the crazed Marines. Once it was all said and done they had lost many of the landing party, including a few Angels Vermillion, but they still had no answers.

The Angels Vermillion looked over the bodies and they recognized the symptoms all too well. These Marines were suffering from what looked like the Black Rage, but the Void Angels were not Scions of Sanguinius. It was unknown who their geneseed came from but as far as they knew, and according to the Void Angels, they had never shown signs of the Flaws. To make matters worse, the Chapter Command could not be found anywhere. The Angels Vermillion explained what they suspected to the Void Angels and how this had affected the Blood Angels and their brother Chapters for a long time. The Angels Vermillion did not know how to proceed in the matter so they decided to meet with their Chapter and decide what was to be done.

As months passed, the Void Angels secluded themselves from their surroundings and from each other. Unable grasp the concept of what was happening to them, believing themselves were corrupted by the incident in the Immaterium. Eventually the Angels Vermillion returned with a cadre that was to retrain the Void Angels. The Void Angels did not oppose such an action for they knew no other way to proceed themselves.

The first thing that was done is the creation of the Synod, a council of the Chapter Command to lead the Chapter. it is unknown if this was an organizational change that was brought from the Angels Vermillion or if it was something that was done because of the mistakes that lead to The Descent, most believe it was the latter. The Chapter adopted a more monastic existence, sending Companies on Blood Pilgrimages to help the Imperium. The Chapter stayed secluded for a very long time until they finally appeared on Ospt Primus to repel and Dark Eldar attack on the Agri World, where they destroyed the xeno down to the last man. They had been in seclusion for a long time before this and reemerged after the creation of the Ordo Hereticus. This organization has thought the Void Angels suspect ever since their reappearance.

HOMEWORLD

The Void Angels are not based out of a planet, their home base, Angels Calamity, is in an asteroid field located in the outer rim of the Veiled Region. During the Chapter’s infancy one of their battle barges crashed into an asteroid during the Descent. After the Chapter reformed they decided to stay in the Veiled Region and made this their home. They further augmented their home base by adding defense measures into the asteroid field which include weapon platforms, mines, and proximity sensors. The main structure is the Ark which, their fortress-monastery, and they have built additional structures such as the Forges, Reclusium, Crimson Rock, Anchor and Hall of Memory.

One of the attributes of this headquarters is that communication is almost impossible within the Veiled Region, all communications are reflected or just echo into oblivion. The only reliable way to communicate with the Chapter is through the Companies on a Pilgrimage. This fits the Chapter just fine since they are very reclusive, it may have to do with the Chapter being retrained by the Angels Vermilion, since they are such a mysterious Chapter.

In the immediate system there is a death world, Balroy Secundus, which is a hot, volcanic planet. The surface is inhospitable to human life but subterranean habitats have been found. The atmosphere is very dense and traps the heat, making the surface much more torrid. The Chapter recruit from this planet sparingly since the populations is very small.

There is another planet in the system that is much more hospitable, Balroy Quartus. This planet is similar to Balroy Secundus in its atmosphere density. Although not quite as dense it still traps quite a bit of heat which is helpful since the planet is not as close to the star and it does not have the extreme volcanic activity as Balroy Secundus. The planet has more flora and fauna than its sister planet leading to a much higher population. The Chapter recruits a much higher concentration from this planet.

COMBAT DOCTRINE

The Void Angels like all of the Scions of Sanguinius have an affinity for quick strikes, although each Company’s combat doctrine varies since it becomes autonomous once they are on a Pilgrimage because of the difficulty to communicate with headquarters.

A few elements that all the companies share are there greater use of Assault Squads and Bike Squads. They use the bikes to weaken the flanks while the Assaults Squads spearheads the force head on. Some Companies will also use Terminators, while others would prefer to use armor to soften the enemy forces.

ORGANIZATION

The Void Angels do not follow the Codex Astartes aside from some of their tactics. They are extremely divergent in organization due to the Decent. The Chapter blamed the Chapter Master who abandoned them during this catastrophe. When the Chapter began to rebuild they established a council to lead the company and not allow any one person have too much power within the Chapter. The council includes the Archimandrite (Chapter Master), Elohim Commander (Sanguinary Guard Commander), High Hieromonk (High Reclusiarch), Sanguinary High Priest, Chief Librarian, Master of the Blade, Warden of the Fleet, Keeper of the Void Gate and the Abbots (Captains).

Another major difference is that they are divided into 5 Companies of 200 Space Marines. Each Company is self-sufficient with its own Librarians, Sanguinary Priests, Chaplains, Techmarines and vehicles. Before they begin their Pilgrimage they will be assigned ships by the Warden of the Fleet. While the support roles still answer to their own particular senior member, they also answer to the Abbots; because of this they also have additional ranks within the Companies. Each support role has a senior member within the Company itself.

The Chapter engages in crusades which they call Blood Pilgrimages, each Company goes on a 100 year Pilgrimage. At any given time there are three companies on a Pilgrimage, while the other two remain at Angel’s Calamity. When they leave on these Pilgrimages contact with headquarters is extremely difficult so they become more or less autonomous. A Company on a Pilgrimage cannot refuse aid to any world that is nearby, the purpose of the Pilgrimages is to travel through the galaxy to show that the Void Angels are there to aid the Imperium and that they are still loyal to Mankind.

Aside from the Archimandrite, the Master of the Blade and the High Hieromonk are held in high regard within the Chapter. The Master of the Blade’s authority is much higher than it would be in other Chapters because of the Void Angels’ close relationship the Mechanicum, while the High Hieromonk’s authority comes from the Chapter’s monastic beliefs. The Chapter’s spirituality, discipline and faith are very important for they are the shield against the Red Thirst and Black Rage. Where the Archimandrite and the Master of the Blade are at opposing sides of the Chapter’s/Mechanicum’s relationship, the Hieromonk is neutral. He cares only for the Chapter’s prosperity and discipline all other matters are trivial to him.

The Chapter has had a long standing alliance with the Mechanicus since shortly after the Descent. The alliance began as a mutually beneficial one, because without the AdMech rebuilding would be almost impossible and Mechanicus wanted to explore the Veiled Region more. A little known fact outside the Chapter is that the Synod is split between distancing the Chapter from the Mechanicum and keeping things the same. The Archimandrite feels that the Chapter has become the Mechanicum’s lapdogs, part of the Synod agrees and the part that does not is led by the Master of the Blade. It has been known for the Master of the Blade to take squads to run missions without the Synods consent, which has almost brought him to blows with the Archimandrite.

[Knurd]

Hey everyone. Here I am taking another stab at my DIY Chapter. Been trying to get the back story cemented for the Chapter but RL keeps getting in the way lol. Have had some free time to ponder more on this matter. This time I am going to start on the origin first this time around. I will continue adding other parts as I go along.

 

I know its a bit of a read considering its only the origin but trust me I have cut off a lot of fat lol. So please have a looksie and let me know what you think and CC is definitely welcomed. 

 

Also, is there a post that teaches how to use the new BBCode or anything of the sorts? I tried looking for it but couldn't find it. 

[Wolvar]

Interesting approach; you've annihilated your own Chapter in one incident, hinted at them being a blood angels successor without confirming it and allowing you plenty of play if you decide a different focus, they lost their entire Command structure and brought in another Chapter entirely to help them rebuild; interesting but how feasible is it. The Story read well but I am curious, exactly how many marines survived this episode? Why would another Chapter rebuild yours and where exactly did they get the equipment and resources from to do it - only the mechanicus or high lords of Terra have the clout to authorise such a massive programme? If the inquisition had any hints of corruption after such an incident it is highly unlikely they would sanction your Chapter's rebuilding unless they had one hell of a reason to do so and it's more likely they would simply be erased and destroyed rather than risk decent into Chaos. You write well and my comments are only points to consider, I wish you luck but you should be careful with suffering such a massive catastrophe early on as its very rare for any Chapter to recover from such losses; the Crimson Fists are trying and I'm not even sure they'll actually manage it.

[Knurd]

Interesting approach; you've annihilated your own Chapter in one incident, hinted at them being a blood angels successor without confirming it and allowing you plenty of play if you decide a different focus, they lost their entire Command structure and brought in another Chapter entirely to help them rebuild; interesting but how feasible is it. The Story read well but I am curious, exactly how many marines survived this episode? 

 

To be honest I have not fleshed the remnants out yet but i want to say that about three companies survived. Unlike the Crimson Fists,  which I believe were decimated in the last millennium, the Void Angels went through the Descent in the 36th millennium which would give them plenty of time to rebuild.

 

 

 

Why would another Chapter rebuild yours and where exactly did they get the equipment and resources from to do it - only the mechanicus or high lords of Terra have the clout to authorise such a massive programme? 

 

The Sons of Sanguinius are a particularly close, although the Angels Vermilion are a bit removed. Perhaps they took pity on the Chapter since they saw the horrors of their gene flaws and know what it can do to a Chapter that is not prepared to handle it.

 

Now as far the equipmnt to rebuild, they have close ties to AdMech because they help with exploration of the Veiled Region. 

 

 

 

If the inquisition had any hints of corruption after such an incident it is highly unlikely they would sanction your Chapter's rebuilding unless they had one hell of a reason to do so and it's more likely they would simply be erased and destroyed rather than risk decent into Chaos. You write well and my comments are only points to consider, I wish you luck but you should be careful with suffering such a massive catastrophe early on as its very rare for any Chapter to recover from such losses; the Crimson Fists are trying and I'm not even sure they'll actually manage it.

 

The Chapter has never shown signs of corruption, at least not anymore than the rest of the Blood Angel Successors, they are just suspicious since they disappeared for a long time and then reappeared after the Age of Apostasy. For this reason they are suspect but have never drawn the wrath of the Inquisition. One of the reason they have been able to rebuild is because they sent out part of the Chapter on Pilgrimages while the rest stayed back to rebuild. I feel that rebuilding would be possible in the span of four to five millenia if they are not out full force like the Flesh Tearers.

 

I appeciate the fedback. Some of these points I had considered and some I had not but I will now.

[Knurd]

Added the Homeworld section

[Knurd]

I have added the Combat Doctrine and Organization. Still working on the rest. Please let me know what you think

[Olis]

Just passing by and I'd thought I'd pose you a question: Why is the chapter's gene-seed unknown? They have strong ties with the AdMech so finding out their own ancestors shouldn't be that much of a problem. I think you need to address this issue (of not knowing their true gene-sires) through one of two routes; 1) Willful ignorance. At some point the chapter locked away it's own gene vaults and forbade entry (or even investigation). Why? That's up to you. 2) Mistaken identity. They believed they were of, say, Raven Guard stock and became increasingly distraught as their own investigations into the matter asked more questions than it answered and leaving the true matter unanswered as key members of the inquiry succumbed to the The Descent.

 

Basically what I'm saying is - don't just say the reason is unknown - say WHY it's unknown and what was done about it. Don't be a lazy writer. ;)

 

In light of this, would you like a more comprehensive analysis of what you've written so far?

[Knurd]

Well the relationship with the AdMech came after the Flaw appeared but that is definitely a good point. My original idea was to make them have tinkered with the gene-seed but I know that's a no no. So just making it that the information is classified would be a good reason for the Chapter to be chummy with the Mechanicum, to try and leverage the information of which Chapter had sired them.

 

I would appreciate it Olisredan. I can't improve if i don't know my own flaws. :)

[Olis]

VOID ANGELS

The Void Angels are a supposed Blood Angel successor although it has never confirmed nor denied. When they were founded they were from an unknown geneseed but when they experienced a catastrophe which the Chapter refers to as The Descent they began to shows symptoms exactly as the Blood Angels gene flaws.

*Cracks knuckles, puts on grammar nazi hat*

Okay, so, first off, grammar. Double negatives: "...although it has never confirmed nor denied" needs to be changed so that there isn't a double negative. Also, I think you dropped the word 'been', too (it should come before 'confirmed').

A good replacement for the selected phrase is - "...although it has neither been confirmed or denied".

Hmm. I think you're using the word 'they' far too much in this article (and thrice in the second sentence). You also duplicated the phrase 'they were' - suffice to say, the less you repeat yourself, the easier an written piece will be to read.

On the matter of unknown gene-seed - I believe you know my position already but allow me to say this: Don't assume your article speaks for itself and people will make the intuitive leap that you already have as a writer. Make everything crystal clear. If questions are asked why something is or discrepancies are pointed out, then the article hasn't explained these issues well enough. However you may explain it in posts answering these questions - make sure the IA also describes matters equally as well.

Although it has never been made for sure if they are true Sons of Sanguinius but they hold pride in being his progeny.

If I may be so bold, this sentence also needs restructuring - it is for more wordy than it needs to be. I suggest: "Although their origins remain unclear, they are proud of their heritage nonetheless."

While they are not as reserved as the Angels Vermillion who helped them find their way after The Descent, they do not readily join forces with other forces if it is not necessary.

Since The Descent they have adopted a monastic existence keeping to themselves, for the most part, except for when they travel the galaxy on their Blood Pilgrimages.

I'd suggest switching the Angels Vermilion with a differing chapter, brother - iirc they are quite... isolationist. They aren't fond of playing with others.

"Adopted a monastic existence" from what, exactly? How did they behave and exist beforehand? Marines are fairly monastic to start with. This needs to be clarified within the article (or replaced with a differing statement regarding the Blood Pilgrimages).

They are led by a council called the Synod, but a little known fact outside the Chapter is that the Synod is divided because of their strong alliance with the Mechanicum.

This is also overly wordy. You can quite easily say the same thing with almost half the words. Rather than provide another example, I'll leave the shortening to you.

The alliance has helped them throughout their history but it is now bordering on them being the AdMech lapdogs.

Drop the word "lapdogs". It is far too informal for an article like this - it is more an insult that a descriptive word. I'd also advise against using contractions (like "AdMech"). An IA is a little drier in prose than this.

Now, whether you use a sidebar for this is up to you, but we (the readers) need to know what this relationship with the Adeptus Mechanicus actually is. Just when did it start being something more than what most other chapters experience? What did the relationship entail? Who, in the Synod, is in disagreement over their relationship, and why? What exactly has prompted these members of the chapter to suddenly be against the status quo? It has obviously been a good relationship up until now, otherwise this issue would have been hammered out a looong time ago.

ORIGINS

The Imperium was faced with many attacks from the Ruinous Powers for the last dozen or so solar years, Terra feared that they were looking for a weak point before another Black Crusade.

Attacks from where? The Eye of Terror? The Maelstrom? Many separate places at once? And by whom/what? The traitor legions? Chaos backed rebellions? Daemon incursions?

The High Lords decided that more Astartes were needed to guard areas they thought Chaos could attack from. The Void Angels were one of those Chapters that needed to be ready to answer the call when the day arrived.

Okay, fair enough, we have a solid motive for the chapter's existence - to combat Chaos and prevent it from taking Imperial territory.

The Void Angels were created from an unknown gene seed late in the 35^th Millennium. The Void Angels were created as a fleet based Chapter and made use of all their ships to aid the Imperium by answering as many calls for help as they could. Their loyalty was unquestioned and their valor and battle prowess was exemplary. They had accrued many laurels and were held in high regards by Imperial forces in short time.

Hmm. It was around about this time that the Nova Terra Interregnum was concluded - would you care to mention it at all? It's a fairly important event and, considering the apparent focus on anti-heresy this chapter may have, a maiden mission to aid in this conflict would do wonders for the gravitas of the chapter's history/origins. It's a whole war of faith thing that could potentially change the character of your chapter (for better or worse). Considering that the Ur-Council (the Ecclesiarchy's opposite number) is considered heretics, it falls within your chapter's purview as an anti-heresy/chaos force.

The day had finally come to defend the Imperium from Abaddon and his forces. As usual their forces we scattered across Segmentum Obscurus and Segmentum Pacificus, so they had decided to rendezvous and consolidate their forces before they join the other Imperial forces. As their flagship, Angel’s Ark, reached the rally point they saw their waiting forces being attacked by Dark Eldar. The Angel’s Ark immediately opened fire as well as its accompanying ships. The Dark Eldar were taken by surprise and were devastated as more and more ships arrived. The raiders fled to avoid further onslaught and the fleet was in no shape to give chase.

Once again they/their occurs way too much, brother. I know I've told you this already but reiterating my point seems worthwhile.

On the matter of using they/their - used selectively, the word is fine but when used like this the article (or any writing at all) become woolly and imprecise. You need to make distinctions between who you are talking of (without repeating yourself) and who you are not talking of. Using they/their doesn't do that. Also, use less of the word 'and' and the word 'were' is in repetition within the penultimate sentence there.

Besides that I'd advise against name-dropping Abaddon for now. It's not a good thing to do in an IA to name drop an important character for the wider 40k universe (it confers importance where there possibly isn't any). Simply combating a major incursion would suffice. Say take part in a crusade to reclaim Imperial worlds from the grip of Chaos?

The ambushed ships had sustained a lot of damage so the Chapter Master ordered that all ships be made ready for void travel. Repairs took a while to finish but even when they were done the Techmarines were not comfortable that the repairs were enough. The Master of the Forge recommended that these ships be taken to the nearest forge world or somewhere capable of repairing the ships, but the Chapter Master refused. He wanted to join the rest of the Imperial forces in full force.

As the fleet traveled the Immaterium problems started happening. They were unable to contain the warp engine in one of the ships which led to it detonating. This caused a chain reaction since the ensuing shockwave assaulted other ships, the already damaged ships did not last very long. The explosions damaged other ships as well, some even losing their Gellar fields. This catastrophe was a beacon for the denizens of Warp, drawing them in masses. The ships that had lost their Gellar fields were immediately overtaken and their passengers attacked.

The ships began to come out of the Warp only to immediately be assailed by an unseen enemy. The Angel’s Ark, one of the Chapter’s battle barges, crashed into an asteroid being unable to react in time; the fleet had dropped out of the Warp into the middle of an asteroid field. The ships were finally able to gain their bearings and set themselves into the same orbit as the asteroids. As they were assessing the damage they had taken all ships that had lost their Gellar fields were destroyed, they were not going to take the risk of any Warp denizens hitching a ride on their ships. To make matters worse it seemed that all their attempts to communicate were being bounced back.

This calamity has caused devastating damage to the fleet but they were finally able ascertain where in the galaxy they had ended up, they were in the galactic south of the Segmentum Tempestus in the outer edges of the Veiled Region. Knowledge of this region was very limited and the little there was could not be relied upon. They had no luck trying to communicate with the Imperium so they decided to send one of the few ships, the Strike Cruiser Void Ripper, they were confident would be able to traverse through the Veiled Region by using the Immaterium. In the meantime, they used the remaining ships to explore the region.

The Chapter Master, as written, seems to be foolhardy and headstrong (and potentially damaged in the head). No-one in their right mind would attempt warp travel (I assume you meant 'warp' instead of 'void') with ships so badly damaged that they need to stop at a drydock, without making absolutely sure that the vessels would hold up.

Regardless of whether the Master of the Forge wanted to travel through the warp (which I'd be under the impression that he wouldn't normally - this would need to be rewritten), it's suicidal even on the face of it to attempt to traverse the immaterium in such a condition. I recommend altering the Master of the Forge's opinion to coincide with his subordinates and changing the Chapter Master's attitude by rewording how the situation unfolds.

A lot of stuff here needs clarifying (besides the repetition and the continuing they/their issue). Which ship suffered a warp engine malfunction? How many ships were lost? I assume it is a significant percentage of the fleet, given the wording here. Which ships were lost? Had any of them been significant? For example, had the ship housing the chapter gene-vaults been lost?

The second paragraph needs to be restructured (certain sentences need to be placed after or before others) and you need to think about (and expand upon) the fate of the lost vessels.

Now, presumably the command cadre of the chapter was stationed on the Angel's Ark, so here would be the appropriate place to describe the shock and the loss to the chapter of the ship.

The Void Ripper was having problems within the Warp. The Navigator was unable to successfully able to maneuver through the Warp. At one point they had traveled deeper into the Veiled Region.

Deeper than what, exactly? You also need to describe just how dangerous it was.

Upon finally reaching normal space they began to send out communications and eventually they heard back from a ship nearby, the ship belonged to the Angels Vermillion. After they had explained what had happened it turns out that the Void Angels had been missing for years. It is unsure why the Angels Vermillion assisted of all Chapters assisted the Void Angels, but they sent an escort ship to see if they could help.

Just how many years needs to be clarified. This sort of detail shouldn't be skimped on.

They finally arrived at the crash site after months of void ravel and most of the ships were missing, the few sips that were there stated that they had not been able to reach the rest of the fleet for some time. They set out to find the other ships and eventually they came across the Battle Barge, Angel’s Tear. This was the ship that the Chapter Master was on and it was supposed to have stayed by the crash site.

Um... what? How was the Chapter Master on the Angel's Tear when the flagship was the Angel's Ark? If he had been on the Angel's Tear the whole time, that that is the flagship, not the Angel's Ark.

The ship was not responding to communications attempts so the ships were boarded. The scene aboard the ship was one of blood and gore, brother marines along with servitors and serfs lay dead. They could not ponder what enemy could cause this kind of devastation to an Astartes ship. There was not a soul to be found aboard the ship.

I suggest, for the purposes of messing with the reader's mind, to up the horror aspect and to add in something inexplicable, like... everyone was missing their eyes. Or something.

The Angel’s Tear had been anchored above a planet that seemed to have hospitable qualities. They decided that they would keep a few squads aboard the ship to continue investigating and the rest would go to the surface leaving half of the Angels Vermillion on board while the rest left to the surface. Upon arriving on the surface they were able to find an Astartes landing craft which had been badly damaged. They began to search the surrounding area when they were assaulted by fellow Marines. The Void Angels were surprised to see their own Brothers staring back at them with unbridled hatred in their eyes, attacking them as they would any xeno filth. They defended themselves but were unable to bring themselves to finish off their brethren. The Angels Vermillion began to open fire on the crazed Marines. Once it was all said and done they had lost many of the landing party, including a few Angels Vermillion, but they still had no answers.

The Angels Vermillion looked over the bodies and they recognized the symptoms all too well. These Marines were suffering from what looked like the Black Rage, but the Void Angels were not Scions of Sanguinius.

What exactly were those brothers doing on the planet? Were they simply milling around like zombies? Had they holed up somewhere? Who was in the party? The old Chapter master, maybe?

It was unknown who their geneseed came from but as far as they knew, and according to the Void Angels, they had never shown signs of the Flaws. To make matters worse, the Chapter Command could not be found anywhere. The Angels Vermillion explained what they suspected to the Void Angels and how this had affected the Blood Angels and their brother Chapters for a long time. The Angels Vermillion did not know how to proceed in the matter so they decided to meet with their Chapter and decide what was to be done.

Isn't the Black Rage kind of a secret? Don't answer that, it's a rhetorical question. Thing is, why would the Angels Vermilion (or whomever you may replace them with), tell your marines who, for all intents and purposes, aren't assumed to be of Blood Angels lineage? Wouldn't this prompt them (the Angels Vermilion) to examine this chapter (the Void Angels) with extraordinary scrutiny? Eg: quarantine them and call for reinforcements until they figure out what to do?

As months passed, the Void Angels secluded themselves from their surroundings and from each other. Unable grasp the concept of what was happening to them, believing themselves were corrupted by the incident in the Immaterium.

This is good - blaming the malady on the immaterium is entirely plausible. Nice work.

Eventually the Angels Vermillion returned with a cadre that was to retrain the Void Angels. The Void Angels did not oppose such an action for they knew no other way to proceed themselves.

Question: Why would the Angels Vermillion (subject to change), not least a chapter that normally shuns contact with other chapters, not beholden to this chapter in the slightest, send a training cadre to them?

The first thing that was done is the creation of the Synod, a council of the Chapter Command to lead the Chapter. it is unknown if this was an organizational change that was brought from the Angels Vermillion or if it was something that was done because of the mistakes that lead to The Descent, most believe it was the latter.

Why? Was it not recorded? Were the records lost?

Anyway, this:

The Chapter adopted a more monastic existence, sending Companies on Blood Pilgrimages to help the Imperium.

And this:

The Chapter stayed secluded for a very long time until they finally appeared on Ospt Primus to repel and Dark Eldar attack on the Agri World, where they destroyed the xeno down to the last man.

Either need to be switched around, or need to be reconciled.

They had been in seclusion for a long time before this and reemerged after the creation of the Ordo Hereticus. This organization has thought the Void Angels suspect ever since their reappearance.

And the significance of the Ordo Hereticus is...? If I were you, I'd actually state a date of when they reappeared in the annals of the Imperium, rather than name drop the Ordo Hereticus in a wishy washy manner to tie this chapter to an event.

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[Olis]

HOMEWORLD

 

The Void Angels are not based out of a planet, their home base, Angels Calamity, is in an asteroid field located in the outer rim of the Veiled Region. During the Chapter’s infancy one of their battle barges crashed into an asteroid during the Descent. After the Chapter reformed they decided to stay in the Veiled Region and made this their home.

 

Firstly, Angels Calamity sounds... off, for the name of the chapters home. It sounds far too maudlin to me. Secondly, I reckon a ship crashing into an asteroid wouldn't leave much to salvage, let alone turn it into a home base. The relativistic speeds involved would have smashed it into kindling at the very least, imho.

 

I suggest making the surviving battle-barge their home - or perhaps another large ship - by 'landing' it and converting the vessel.

 

Thirdly - isn't the Veiled Region a forbidden area? Why exactly would the chapter bother to shack up in an area that regular Imperial citizens are forbidden to settle? Why didn't the chapter choose to leave?

 

Also, plonking them in an area full of xenos kind of nixes the anti-heresy feel to the chapter. It gives a confused 'theme'.

 

They further augmented their home base by adding defense measures into the asteroid field which include weapon platforms, mines, and proximity sensors. The main structure is the Ark which, their fortress-monastery, and they have built additional structures such as the Forges, Reclusium, Crimson Rock, Anchor and Hall of Memory.

 

One of the attributes of this headquarters is that communication is almost impossible within the Veiled Region, all communications are reflected or just echo into oblivion. The only reliable way to communicate with the Chapter is through the Companies on a Pilgrimage.

 

Um. How? What's so special about the companies on a Blood Pilgrimage?

 

This fits the Chapter just fine since they are very reclusive, it may have to do with the Chapter being retrained by the Angels Vermilion, since they are such a mysterious Chapter.

 

In the immediate system there is a death world, Balroy Secundus, which is a hot, volcanic planet. The surface is inhospitable to human life but subterranean habitats have been found. The atmosphere is very dense and traps the heat, making the surface much more torrid. The Chapter recruit from this planet sparingly since the populations is very small.

 

There is another planet in the system that is much more hospitable, Balroy Quartus. This planet is similar to Balroy Secundus in its atmosphere density. Although not quite as dense it still traps quite a bit of heat which is helpful since the planet is not as close to the star and it does not have the extreme volcanic activity as Balroy Secundus. The planet has more flora and fauna than its sister planet leading to a much higher population. The Chapter recruits a much higher concentration from this planet.

 

Thing is, the advantage to having a fleet based chapter is that you can recruit from anywhere. These are pretty slim pickings by the sound of it. Considering what has been said over the last few paragraphs, I would suggest ditching the concept of shacking up in the Veiled Region and instead utilise the region as a revered area, a place where they lost so many of the chapter so early in its history that it has great significance (but it isn't their home, per se). 

 

COMBAT DOCTRINE

 

The Void Angels like all of the Scions of Sanguinius have an affinity for quick strikes, although each Company’s combat doctrine varies since it becomes autonomous once they are on a Pilgrimage because of the difficulty to communicate with headquarters.

 

A few elements that all the companies share are there greater use of Assault Squads and Bike Squads. They use the bikes to weaken the flanks while the Assaults Squads spearheads the force head on. Some Companies will also use Terminators, while others would prefer to use armor to soften the enemy forces.

 

"There" needs to change to "their". 

 

ORGANIZATION

 

The Void Angels do not follow the Codex Astartes aside from some of their tactics. They are extremely divergent in organization due to the Decent. The Chapter blamed the Chapter Master who abandoned them during this catastrophe. When the Chapter began to rebuild they established a council to lead the company and not allow any one person have too much power within the Chapter. The council includes the Archimandrite (Chapter Master), Elohim Commander (Sanguinary Guard Commander), High Hieromonk (High Reclusiarch), Sanguinary High Priest, Chief Librarian, Master of the Blade, Warden of the Fleet, Keeper of the Void Gate and the Abbots (Captains).

 

How did the Descent actually affect the way the chapter organised itself and why?

 

Another major difference is that they are divided into 5 Companies of 200 Space Marines. Each Company is self-sufficient with its own Librarians, Sanguinary Priests, Chaplains, Techmarines and vehicles. Before they begin their Pilgrimage they will be assigned ships by the Warden of the Fleet. While the support roles still answer to their own particular senior member, they also answer to the Abbots; because of this they also have additional ranks within the Companies. Each support role has a senior member within the Company itself.

 

The Chapter engages in crusades which they call Blood Pilgrimages, each Company goes on a 100 year Pilgrimage. At any given time there are three companies on a Pilgrimage, while the other two remain at Angel’s Calamity. When they leave on these Pilgrimages contact with headquarters is extremely difficult so they become more or less autonomous. A Company on a Pilgrimage cannot refuse aid to any world that is nearby, the purpose of the Pilgrimages is to travel through the galaxy to show that the Void Angels are there to aid the Imperium and that they are still loyal to Mankind.

 

100 years long? That's an incredibly long time considering the two companies that remain home must wait for years, if not decades, before they are allowed to go on one themselves. This concept, if you don't mind me saying so, is needlessly clunky. Why not forego the time factor and simply give each Pilgrimage an objective? At the very least shorten the time to ten years...

 

Aside from the Archimandrite, the Master of the Blade and the High Hieromonk are held in high regard within the Chapter. The Master of the Blade’s authority is much higher than it would be in other Chapters because of the Void Angels’ close relationship the Mechanicum, while the High Hieromonk’s authority comes from the Chapter’s monastic beliefs. The Chapter’s spirituality, discipline and faith are very important for they are the shield against the Red Thirst and Black Rage. Where the Archimandrite and the Master of the Blade are at opposing sides of the Chapter’s/Mechanicum’s relationship, the Hieromonk is neutral. He cares only for the Chapter’s prosperity and discipline all other matters are trivial to him.

 

The Chapter has had a long standing alliance with the Mechanicus since shortly after the Descent. The alliance began as a mutually beneficial one, because without the AdMech rebuilding would be almost impossible and Mechanicus wanted to explore the Veiled Region more. A little known fact outside the Chapter is that the Synod is split between distancing the Chapter from the Mechanicum and keeping things the same. The Archimandrite feels that the Chapter has become the Mechanicum’s lapdogs, part of the Synod agrees and the part that does not is led by the Master of the Blade. It has been known for the Master of the Blade to take squads to run missions without the Synods consent, which has almost brought him to blows with the Archimandrite.

 

I take it the Master of the Blade is this chapter's version of the Master of the Forge? It wasn't clarified. Besides, what's with renaming each position? Why have they been renamed, except for the sake of it? 

 

Also, why is the Chapter Master so opposed to the positive relationship with the Mechanicus? What has coloured his opinion so? 

 

And the 'mutually beneficial' relationship, as far as I see it, would involve the chapter pledging their services to the Mechanicus for support. The Mechanicus had them over a barrel, in terms of needs, so, frankly, the only way from the Mechanicus' perspective for this to be a mutually beneficial alliance, is if the chapter was at their every beck and call. 

 

Anyhoo. This disagreement that you have going is quite interesting - it lampshades a potential civil war within the chapter. If you feel so inclined, I'd advocate ramping up the feeling of a chapter closing upon a time where it would rip itself apart as differing ideologies clash.

 

 

I hope this helps.

[Knurd]

Hey Guys,

 

Been a while since I worked on this but I still want to continue where I left off. Not sure if they're still on the boards but I will answer the critiques. 

[Madwolf Shadowmane]

I read through this one (while watching hockey) and overall I like most your concept.  I feel your origin section is way too long.  I struggled with the origin section of my chapter as well.  My solution was to write/revise the origin section after everything else was fleshed out.  Aside from that I am going to refrain from further C&C until you've had a chance to address Olis's critque as I found the IA a little hard to read due to grammer issues.  I will comment further after  your next revision. 

[ElectricPaladin]

I'm not going to comment on the writing, in part because I don't know if you really consider yourself a writer and how much you care. I'm a freelancer, and I can get very picky about how words are put together, but  I don't want to be that jerk who comes in and holds people to very high creative standards that they aren't actually interested in. If you want a line-by-line, let me know. Overall, you need to look at how often you use similar words. You want to avoid using the same word in adjacent sentence. If the sentences are short, you might even want to avoid repeating a word for three sentences.

 

See what I did there? :D

 

Anyway, overall I really like it. My favorite bits, in no particular order:

• The name is awesome. That's why I clicked on the thread in the first place.
• They get screwed up in a sector and then decide to stay there.
• The way that a new gene flaw appears and they get taken under the wing of another chapter to learn how to deal with it.
• Complex relationship with the Mechanicus.

 

I do have some critiques however:

• Your story seems a bit... busy. You've got Black Crusades and relationships with other chapters and relationships with the Mechanicus and a new gene-curse and reorganization... I like all the ideas you have, but maybe the story would be stronger with fewer of the ideas actually included? Consider that the Iron Hands - one of the founding legions! - has only two defining traits, their closeness with the Mechanicus and their culture of cutting bits off. They have other traits, but they're sidelined. Perhaps a better way to phrase this critique would be "pick the traits that are most important and bring them to the fore."
• I don't have a problem with the idea that they would suddenly have the Blood Angels flaw after surviving a warpstorm. In fact, I kind of like it. It's not impossible for the storm to have effected their geneseed. It's also not impossible for the flaw to have ruined whatever the Mechanicus may have tried to do to fix the flaw during their founding. However, I think that this whole thing should be foreshadowed a little more. It would be nice to see some inkling of their ancestry before the storm hit. What if even back when they were a codex-compliant chapter, they always had a predilection for aerial combat or jump pack insertions? What if there were a few notable incidences of battle brothers losing control and launching themselves into close combat despite orders to hold back? If we could see some clue that they had the Blood Angels curse, but suppressed, then the sudden blossoming into full-fledged Red Thirst/Black Rage would be a lot more believable.
• Similarly, what's missing is an idea of why. As was pointed out in another thread, Terra stopped founding new chapters descended from the Blood Angels when the full extent of the curse became clear. If that's the case, why do the Void Angels exist? Do they predate that decision, but because they seem to have licked the curse they got permission to seal their records? Did some tech-priest think he had cured the curse and got permission to try it out, and they sealed the records of their progenitors to prevent the Blood Angels themselves from meddling and the High Lords from getting nervous? Something else? You don't need to actually answer this question, but implying one or two of them would help it to go down.
• The Mechanicus doesn't like the Blood Angels and vice versa. You should include something about how the alliance with the Angels Vermillion has been pushing the Void Angels away from the Mechanicus. That way, the Angels Vermillion and the Mechanicus can be seen as two different directions for the chapter's future, the Mechanicus promising to find a way to re-suppress their new flaw, and the Angels Vermillion promising to teach them to draw strength from it, and no one being sure if either side is really telling the truth.

 

Finally, you should totally add that the chapter uses their crippled battle barge as a star-fort and has hollowed out some of the asteroids and welded them to the hull, leaving the whole thing looking like a permanently wrecked, yet still operational space city/fort/space ship. It's a neat symbol for the chapter as a whole, I think.

[Plague Angel]

As much as I like the idea that an "unknown founder" chapter winds up having to deal with the Black Rage, I still have to echo: why the Angels Vermillion?

 

I'm sure they have fans, but they're one of those official chapters with scarce fluff -- and with the little fluff they DO have, their main defining feature is their refusal to associate or communicate with any other Blood Angels successor.

 

So the role they play here feels very wrong to me. I'd either change it to someone else, like the Angels Encarmine, or flip it on its head. Maybe the Descent winds up being such a disaster as the AV suddenly break off from communicating with the VA once the Flaw becomes apparent, leaving them to struggle with the fallout.

[ElectricPaladin]

As much as I like the idea that an "unknown founder" chapter winds up having to deal with the Black Rage, I still have to echo: why the Angels Vermillion?

 

I'm sure they have fans, but they're one of those official chapters with scarce fluff -- and with the little fluff they DO have, their main defining feature is their refusal to associate or communicate with any other Blood Angels successor.

 

So the role they play here feels very wrong to me. I'd either change it to someone else, like the Angels Encarmine, or flip it on its head. Maybe the Descent winds up being such a disaster as the AV suddenly break off from communicating with the VA once the Flaw becomes apparent, leaving them to struggle with the fallout.

 

To provide a counterpoint, I actually bought the Angels Vermillion getting involved. A chapter that might be long lost brothers teetering on the edge of full-on madness? That might bring them out of the woodwork to help. They're reclusive, not completely heartless. They did come back to Baal to help fight the 'Nids. I'd argue that the Angels Vermillion certainly have an exit strategy and don't plan to stick around and babysit the Void Angels forever... but I think this actually makes for an interesting exception from their reclusiveness.

[Plague Angel]

 

As much as I like the idea that an "unknown founder" chapter winds up having to deal with the Black Rage, I still have to echo: why the Angels Vermillion?

 

I'm sure they have fans, but they're one of those official chapters with scarce fluff -- and with the little fluff they DO have, their main defining feature is their refusal to associate or communicate with any other Blood Angels successor.

 

So the role they play here feels very wrong to me. I'd either change it to someone else, like the Angels Encarmine, or flip it on its head. Maybe the Descent winds up being such a disaster as the AV suddenly break off from communicating with the VA once the Flaw becomes apparent, leaving them to struggle with the fallout.

 

To provide a counterpoint, I actually bought the Angels Vermillion getting involved. A chapter that might be long lost brothers teetering on the edge of full-on madness? That might bring them out of the woodwork to help. They're reclusive, not completely heartless.

 

Flesh Tearers? Lamenters? Flesh Eaters? Any of the numerous chapters we know about that went extinct because the Black Rage took the whole chapter at once? The Angels Vermillion let all those pass by. We don't know why the Angels Vermillion treat the Black Rage so strangely when it comes to other chapters, we only know that they do, and that they refuse to associate with anyone else who has the Flaw.

 

They did come back to Baal to help fight the 'Nids.

 

And, if I remember right (and I'll confess I don't remember where I read this, I'll look for it) even there they won't accept any contact with the others beyond audio. Won't show up to war council meetings, won't deploy at the same places other chapters do.

[Knurd]

All right let's have a go at this, might take a couple of posts to answer everything. It also 

 

First off the Angels Vermillion seems to be the part of biggest topic of discussion. I'll be honest I did not think it all the way through as to how i was going to rationalize it. The main idea I am thinking right now is that the Void Angels came across a squad or two on a ship when they were looking for help. I am putting the time of their "rediscovery" around of the Cataclysm of Souls and because of their proximity to the Segmentum Pacificus they decided to help them. For aiding another Chapter they are excommunicated and taken in by the Void Angels. 

 

Just something I whipped together really quickly. 

 

As far as the Angels Vermillion go they were definitely at Baal during the Conclave, although I believe that they were the ones that never took their hoods off. I might be wrong about that though. 

 

And I do have a tendency to try to put too many ideas into a coherent story and I do need to cut the fat off it a bit. I definitely want to keep the Mechanicus alliance and  the reason they put aside their dislike of the Blood Angels is that this started as an alliance of convenience. They want to explore he Veiled Region and the Void Angels needed help. The Void Angels were pretty much dead in the water and the Mechanicus was not an offer they could pass up. 

[ElectricPaladin]

All right let's have a go at this, might take a couple of posts to answer everything. It also 

 

First off the Angels Vermillion seems to be the part of biggest topic of discussion. I'll be honest I did not think it all the way through as to how i was going to rationalize it. The main idea I am thinking right now is that the Void Angels came across a squad or two on a ship when they were looking for help. I am putting the time of their "rediscovery" around of the Cataclysm of Souls and because of their proximity to the Segmentum Pacificus they decided to help them. For aiding another Chapter they are excommunicated and taken in by the Void Angels. 

 

Just something I whipped together really quickly. 

 

I think that makes it messier, not cleaner. Now you're adding a schism within the Angels Vermillion? The best way to clean up something that you think is messy is to remove stuff, not add stuff. That's my 2¢.

 

Honestly, I'm beginning to come around to the idea that the strongest choice would be for your chapter to be in a mentoring/seduction/identity-reshaping relationship with the Mechanicum or the Angels Vermillion, not both. Are they a codex chapter in danger of becoming a Blood Angels successor and struggling to hold on to their old ways? Or are they in danger of becoming a Mechanicum pawn, and their potential Blood Angels lineage is part of why the Mechanicum wants to dominate them? Both is a bit messy.

[Knurd]

Well I could have the Mechanicum be the organization that finds them. Going missing could raise a few eyebrows and the AdMech has enough pull to say they're ok. 

 

The AdMech can find them and be able to help them rebuild a lot faster than anyone else can but they stay in this area to help AdMech. The are asked to keep 2/5 of their Chapter ready to venture into the Veiled Region. The new Chapter Master wants to change the relationship with the AdMech and some of the Synod agrees while the MotF does not want things to change and he has the backing of other members of the Synod. 

[Messor]

So your thought is to have the AdMech find them instead of the Angels Vermillion, so the Chapter works with them to pay back a debt? Reasonable course, I think.

 

I would suggest trying to trim back some of the Origins section. It reads more like a story than part of an article. Keep what you trim for future use, but don't let it clutter that portion of the article. Ultimately, the Void Angels as we know them today was summed up in one paragraph at the end.

[Knurd]

Hey Messor. Yea I want to do that but I also want to have a defined product before I make changes. If I constantly make changes it could get a little sloppy.