IA: Sons of Andraste (Chapter)

[Prefect Apollyon]

Goodness gracious me, I haven't updated this in over a year!

 

Apologies if anyone thinks I'm necro-ing my own thread, but I've recently achieved a promotion, which means I have more disposable income.

 

That means I'll finally start building this Chapter, as of this Saturday.

 

So, again I ask for feedback. I know there are a couple of spelling errors (such as "butch" instead of "butchered"), but don't want to edit it until I have more editing to do. Will be posting pics of WIPs and the finished models soon.

[Lysimachus]

So the basic premise is Raptors but with a more feral (and aggressive) edge? Nice.

 

Overall it's a decent IA, there are a few issues with grammar and flow, but as you say it's wiser to worry about that when you're completely happy with who they are.

 

Few points: Firstly, their name. Doesn't feel particularly suited to their character, and no explanation is provided for why they're called it. While I get that you've said that early records of them are lost, it seems unlikely that they wouldn't have passed on where their name came from orally if nothing else. Might be nice just to put it in, even if it's just as simple as their first CM was a Raptor called Andraste.

 

Second, and the real kicker at the mo for me, is the gene seed section. I can get behind the eyes not changing colour, it's a minimal difference. The longer hibernation is a bit odd, waiting months for an enemy is a huge waste of the expensive and limited resource that is an Astartes, and really not how they're depicted as operating.

Even that could be made to work, but the last bit about initiates accepting implants better is a real problem. If they had anything that had even slightly improved the future prospects of their gene line, and all the future sons of their Primarch, they'd surely have called in the RG, the Raptors (and all the rest) so they could all benefit from it.

 

Anyway, it's got some good potential, hope this is of some help!

 

Lysimachus

[Prefect Apollyon]

The name was a play on Andraste, a Celtic Goddess worshipped in Britain. You raise a good point as to what makes it relevant to this setting, I'll have a think on it and put it in.

 

Looking back a year on, the Gene-seed part isn't brilliant. The blue/green eyes are again a play on the Celtic theme, a result of the native populations genetics. The rest I'll remove, it's stupid and unnecessary.

 

A massive help, thanks Ly!

[Haywire]

So, another random idea for how you might be able to 'explain' the use of Andraste in the name of your Astartes. Have you considered the possibility of Andraste having perhaps been a prominent figure in the planet's history? Perhaps a founder of one of their communities, or even, more 'recently' a martyred saint who originally came from Hallstate II. I use the word "recently" lightly, given the amount of time within which it could have occurred. Such a thing of a member of a more feral world becoming something of an important figure in the sector is scarcely unheard of... after-all, we do have such things already such as Fenrisian Inquisitors.

 

So, yes. The idea there that you might like to toy with is the idea of the Sons of Andraste perhaps naming themselves in her honour given her relevance to the world in question and the sector as a whole. Up to you, really.

[Prefect Apollyon]

That's actually a good idea. Probably not a Saint, considering the planets background. Possibly a woman from the planet who inspired the local militia and Astartes and died fighting against the Frateris Templar's during the Age of Apostasy.

 

On another note, bought some Marines yesterday, going to start building them. This first batch won't be heavily converted, the Assault Marines, Veterans, Honour Guard and Characters will receive conversions. Really don't want a "Green Space Wolves" look, thinking of using Warhammer Dwarves sprus instead.

[Conn Eremon]

Considering that 'Astartes' comes from the name of a particular Goddess, it wouldn't be inappropriate for Andraste to be from the Chapter (in fact, I think "Sons of Andrastes" might even flow off the tongue a bit better for me). That said, I find nothing wrong with using a heroine.

 

I don't really have the time to go through the entire article right now, but I wanted to bring up the home world's name, Hallstate. First off, this is entirely a personal thing for me, but it kind of bugged me that every time I try to say it in my head, I keep thinking of Allstate Insurance. Now, you definitely don't need to rename it just for me (and hopefully I didn't just provide you with a "cannot unsee" moment), but may I possibly suggest "Hallstat" as an alternative? It sounds appropriately feudal, kind of muddies the obvious theme waters a bit, and feels like it would more appropriately fit the demonym of Hallstatii.

 

Heh, hope I don't come across as "Pfft, I don't like that name, you should change it." Just thought I'd provide some alternatives that can be taken if liked, or ignored if not. :tu:

[Octavulg]

Conn:

 

Halstadt. Trust me.

 

* * *

 

Prefect Appolyon:

 

-Except from Administratum database: Index Astartes-

-Clearance Level: Inquisition-

-Access: Granted; Full-

If you're doing this, you need a 'thought for the day'. I mean, those are half the fun of doing this. I recommend "Joyous is the mind closed to new ideas."

 

 

The Sons of Andraste are a Chapter founded in the M36 just prior to the Age of Apostasy.

Nope. The 21st founding was at the tail end of M35. So the 19th Founding...isn't after it, at any rate. Early M36 would make them Cursed Founding.

* * *

The tone of your writing is varying wildly - you'll go from formal to casual and back to formal again in the space of a sentence. It's kind of jarring.  The first sentence of the second paragraph of Aeron's sidebar is a good example of what I'm talking about.

There's a lot of who the chapter's been fighting. I feel like it slightly obscures the bits about who the chapter is. The Gwydion Incident, for example, serves no purpose as-is. I wouldn't delete all the battles forever, but I would recommend taking them out and seeing what's left. Or paring them down a lot, at least.

You also mention them developing a reputation as headhunters - that should either be explained as a recent development with a cause or...not described like that. At 5000 years old, this chapter is older than the alphabet. Any reputation they have will be pretty firmly established.

Any concerns you have? Things you are trying to accomplish but having difficulty with?

[Conn Eremon]

 

Conn:

 

Halstadt. Trust me.

 

http://westernbandit.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/10/fp.jpg

[Prefect Apollyon]

Conn:

 

Halstadt. Trust me.

 

* * *

 

Prefect Appolyon:

 

-Except from Administratum database: Index Astartes-

 

-Clearance Level: Inquisition-

 

-Access: Granted; Full-

 

If you're doing this, you need a 'thought for the day'. I mean, those are half the fun of doing this. I recommend "Joyous is the mind closed to new ideas."

 

 

 

The Sons of Andraste are a Chapter founded in the M36 just prior to the Age of Apostasy.

 

Nope. The 21st founding was at the tail end of M35. So the 19th Founding...isn't after it, at any rate. Early M36 would make them Cursed Founding.

 

* * *

 

The tone of your writing is varying wildly - you'll go from formal to casual and back to formal again in the space of a sentence. It's kind of jarring.  The first sentence of the second paragraph of Aeron's sidebar is a good example of what I'm talking about.

 

There's a lot of who the chapter's been fighting. I feel like it slightly obscures the bits about who the chapter is. The Gwydion Incident, for example, serves no purpose as-is. I wouldn't delete all the battles forever, but I would recommend taking them out and seeing what's left. Or paring them down a lot, at least.

 

You also mention them developing a reputation as headhunters - that should either be explained as a recent development with a cause or...not described like that. At 5000 years old, this chapter is older than the alphabet. Any reputation they have will be pretty firmly established.

 

Any concerns you have? Things you are trying to accomplish but having difficulty with?

Thank you for this! I'm halfway through amending it to be more formal.

 

Been a long time but I'm back! Bought enough to form a Demi-Company, and I'll be doing these guys.