Index Astartes: The Unfettered (third draft!)

[Ace Debonair]

The first report of an Unfettered flotila entering an Imperial system dates to the middle of M37. The heavily-modified Strike Cruiser Skíðblaðnir, with its accompanying frigates and fightercraft, entered the Lethara system, in the Kiltor Sector, in response to an all-frequencies distress call. Lethara, an agri-world and the sole inhabited planet of the system, bore invasion by a fleet of Dark Eldar pirates. The cruiser made a mad rush for planetary orbit, all guns running hot, and deployed a landing force two companies strong. Despite their superior firepower, the Unfettered were totally outnumbered and outmatched. Thunderhawk gunships landed at key population centers and the inhabitants were shocked when the silver-clad Space Marines opened the bay doors and shepherded them inside.

The assembled Space Marines fought a brutal rearguard campaign to evacuate as much of the civilian population of agricultural laborers as possible, goading the Dark Eldar into chokepoint bloodbaths under the seasoned guidance of the Chapter's many Deathwatch veterans. All told, the Unfettered rescued roughly 40% of the world's labor force, including most of Lethara's key agribiology staff, fragments of the planetary government, a rough regiment of the planetary defense force, Lethara's Imperial governor, and a large portion of the planetary garrison's munitions. Pirate corpses were stacked shoulder-high at the landing zones, four full squads of Battle Brothers perished in the effort, and at least one Thunderhawk gunship was shot down as it used its armored hull to shield civilians from oncoming fire. The planet's survivors were pressed, most willingly, into the service of the chapter.

Just something that leapt out at me. If this is the first recorded action of the Chapter, where the heck did they get Deathwatch veterans from?

I'm pretty certain both the Deathwatch and the Inquisitors they work with would at least look for some official records of the Chapter before they accepted recruits from it!

[j31c3n]

And that is why I post this stuff here.  Thanks for the catch!  I'll fix it after dinner.

[Frater Cula]

Glad you're coming around for another revision!  It's a cool concept, and worth exploring.  Here is my constructive criticism:

 

The last sentence of Recruitment, Para. 1, reads: "All the willing from every warzone the chapter deploys to who pass basic screenings for mutation are enrolled."  It might benefit from splitting or rewriting.

 

What sort of modifications are applied to the Strike Cruisers?  Are the mods a tradeoff, like giving up Void Shielding for transport capacity?  Or are they a strict upgrade?  Especially if they are the latter, who designed the modifications, and who applied them to your cruisers?  In either case, how does the Mechanicus feel about the modifications to their sacred designs?

 

I like the paragraph describing the progressive bionic replacement of battle-brothers who are injured helping the defenseless.  Sacrifice needs weight, it needs cost; that's what actually makes it noble.

 

I may have missed it, but do they ever receive criticism from those who say that saving an innocent in the short term risks the long-term downfall of the Imperium?  How do they respond to those criticisms?
 

Would they really cross ANY line in the sand to save innocents?  Would they pledge allegiance to the Ruinous Powers?

 

The chapter is keen on protecting innocents.  But who counts as innocent?  Innocence is a pretty foreign concept in the Imperium, so they'd pretty much have to invent their own.  How did they decide on their concept of innocence?

 

And, if you're really willing to kill your children:

 

I'd suggest limiting the play-by-play battles to one.  Of the two, explaining the Necron gauntlets is the tougher sell, so that's the one that deserves the longer writeup.  I'd suggest shortening the Dark Eldar battle report.  It's painful to hear, I know, but it'd make it punchier, preserve the reader's interest, and give you more room to explore other aspects of the core theme.

[j31c3n]

The last sentence of Recruitment, Para. 1, reads: "All the willing from every warzone the chapter deploys to who pass basic screenings for mutation are enrolled."  It might benefit from splitting or rewriting.

Yeah, on having it pointed out, that sentence is somewhat difficult to parse. I can imagine it being a real headache for someone that English is a second language for.

 

What sort of modifications are applied to the Strike Cruisers?  Are the mods a tradeoff, like giving up Void Shielding for transport capacity?  Or are they a strict upgrade?  Especially if they are the latter, who designed the modifications, and who applied them to your cruisers?  In either case, how does the Mechanicus feel about the modifications to their sacred designs?

You know, I somehow haven't given this an awful lot of thought. I suppose my basic idea for the modifications was that the ships were a little bigger than a factory-fresh Strike Cruiser and they carried more guns and shielding. Maybe I can look into some Battlefleet Gothic books, cross-reference them with my Rogue Trader books, and really hammer it out.

 

I'd imagine the Mechanicus would be pretty grumbly about it, but I don't know what kind of opportunity they might have to really view the ships for an extended time. Something to think about for sure. The first draft of this IA had the Unfettered maintain "close ties" with the Mechanicus, but now they're buddies with the Ordo Xenos. It might be interesting to have the Unfettered and the Mechanicus at odds.

 

I like the paragraph describing the progressive bionic replacement of battle-brothers who are injured helping the defenseless.  Sacrifice needs weight, it needs cost; that's what actually makes it noble.

This is my favorite paragraph in the IA and I am trying to find ways to make the theme more prominent in my next revision!

 

I may have missed it, but do they ever receive criticism from those who say that saving an innocent in the short term risks the long-term downfall of the Imperium?  How do they respond to those criticisms?

In the fourth paragraph of the Origins section, the Hanged Man is criticized and his actions are called "dangerous precendent" and "ultimately pointless." I think the chapter don't respond to these criticisms because, in the words of the same paragraph, it would be "a waste of the Emperor's precious time."

 

Would they really cross ANY line in the sand to save innocents?  Would they pledge allegiance to the Ruinous Powers?

In an earlier draft, they did! They were implicitly (at least the upper echelons of command and the Librarius) pledged to Tzeentch. I really really liked this idea, but ultimately I felt like it made the IA too scattered and unfocused, so I dummied it out. You can still read about it in a post low on the first page, I included the second draft for the sake of posterity.

 

The chapter is keen on protecting innocents.  But who counts as innocent?  Innocence is a pretty foreign concept in the Imperium, so they'd pretty much have to invent their own.  How did they decide on their concept of innocence?

I think they basically define it as "a non-combatant in a combat zone" and to a lesser extent "any non-Space Marine human." They basically see their job as preventing needless war deaths.

 

And, if you're really willing to kill your children:

 

I'd suggest limiting the play-by-play battles to one.  Of the two, explaining the Necron gauntlets is the tougher sell, so that's the one that deserves the longer writeup.  I'd suggest shortening the Dark Eldar battle report.  It's painful to hear, I know, but it'd make it punchier, preserve the reader's interest, and give you more room to explore other aspects of the core theme.

Yes, I think you are right here. I'm going to try and condense that Dark Eldar thing into a single paragraph. The important bits are that they evacuated the civilian population and were willing to sacrifice a Thunderhawk to do so.