Assault on NX-01

[Bloodcrusade]

Burning metal. The smell was never fully filtered through the air respirators and was always present during drop.

 

 Brakos inhaled deeply, tasting it on his tongue.

The smell was always the same, always mockingly hinting towards the taste of fresh rain. He smiled inwardly. A slight rocking shook the pod as it finished clearing through what little last bit of atmosphere clung to barren rock they were plummeting towards.

 

 The readout on his visor was rapidily dimishing the distance to target, down to T-minus 7 at 65km. He took one final look at his brothers around him.

 

 T-minus 5...

 

 Gerven and Franc to his immediate left stood facing straight ahead. Their weapons were both already declipped from their maglocks and in hand. In the dim redness of the pod interior light their armour was buried in the shadows, causing the white of their helmets to appear as bodyless skulls.

 

 3...

 

 Across from him Henre held the Crusade's banner across his chest, the cloth gripped tightly to the haft with his left hand preventing it from flapping widly in the confined space.

 

 2...

 

 To his right the Reclusiarch Karlman was standing with his head slightly bent forward. He seemed almost in a trance, with the barest of a whisper heard from his lips as he recited litanies. He finished suddenly, his head snapping upwards while simultaneously grasping his Crozius.

 

 1...

 

 The readout swapped to a blinking IMPACT just as the thrusters on the underside of the pod came roaring to life. Stabilizers in his armour and harness prevented the sudden gforces from crushing his legs as a split second latter the pod came to a crashing halt. Harness and doors blew open at the same time and Brakos lept forward, leading his honour guard into the battle.

 

 "Enemy devastators confirmed ahead 20m. Open fire!" His men let loose a fast volley at the traitors taking cover in a nearby crater, ripping several chunks from one's power armour that was too slow in reacting to the drop pod's sudden arrival.

 

 Status reports came rushing in with comms reopened after exiting the pod and Brakos assessed the situation. They arrived a couple hundred meters off target from the other squads. Charlie squad and Sword Brother Harold's Sternguard landed almost ontop of the enemy Guard unit, swiftly disabling the the battlecannon from the enemy's Leman Russ. However Charlie squad was already slain to a man. Harold was able to get his men into cover in a rocky outcropping before he himself was caught in the fire of rapid firing lasguns, pushing Brother Charivold into the cover and shielding him with his body. Bravo squad landed moments after Brakos', caught in the open as they hit near Charlie's location had been.

 

 "Form your positions, prepare to mount the charge" Brakos ordered, his voice gravely and metallic through his vox grill. "Silence their guns before we move to support our Brothers."

 

 A distant rumble of an aircraft was growing louder and bright flashes streaked towards their position, bursting into bright white as they impacted the front armour of the enemy's Predator tank a short distance behind the Devastators. The behemoth returned a lascannon shot of its own into the distance as the heavy bolters continued spitting shells at some unseen target.

 

 Traitor marines poured from their Rhino transport as the honour guard reformed. They swiftly started spraying a suppressive fire onto Brakos and his men, their fall to Chaos not reducing their tactical doctrines efficiency or effectiveness.

 

 Franc let out a sudden gasp as one of the bolter shots found its mark, blasting a fist sized hole through his abdomen and knocking him a distance backwards off his feet. The cold vacuum of space swiftly claimed what was left of his stomach's contents, leaving his suit contorted at an odd angle on the ground.

 

 Comms came to Brakos from the Sternguard informing him of Bravo squad's similar demise as Charlie's. His eyes lingered on Franc's corpse as he was given the report.

 

  Not even ten minutes into the battle and he'd already lost twelve of his men, two of which were venerated Sword Brothers.

Cold anger started to build within him at the impudency of both the traitor guard holed up on this outpost and the former battle brothers they were now forced to cleanse before their honour was completely lost. It sharpened to stabbing ache in his heart and dimmed just as swiftly in that split moment of thought to a steel resolve. "One who walks away from the light must be cleansed by it" he thought, "I will remove the contamination of their souls."

 

 His face was suddenly on fire, the pain blinding his left eye. A plasma round from the traitors had skimmed alongside his helmet, melting a clean line along the jaw and causing the fusion to burn into his flesh. "CHARGE!" He roared, the skin tearing away as it stuck to the rapidly cooling metal.

 Coppery tange of his blood filled his mouth briefly before his Larraman's sealed the wound in a thin layer of bright pink scar tissue.

"Battle Barge Relentless Fury this is Marshal Brakos." Anger...regret...absolution. Brakos felt them all again knowing there was no saving his former brothers in arms. "Activate Heaven's Gate Protocol on my position."

 

 A brilliant beam of energy slammed into the ground behind the traitor's Rhino, catching several of their members and part of the devastator squad in its path. Relentless Fury has just fired one of it's lance batteries, normally used for ship to ship combat in deep space, and found its mark in the heart of the traitor marines. A wall of dust kicked up as the blast sent out shockwaves across the surface, slowing difting down almost suspended in the low gravity.

 

 The Honour Guard closed the gap seperating them from the traitor tactical marines, charging through the cloud of dirt. The sudden orbital strike catching them offguard and preventing any organized overwatch. Four of the marines swiftly found themselves victims of Brakos' sword, its blade flickering in the pale light around their clumsy attempts to parry him away. Karlman led Henre and Brothers Theodos and Titus, the four using their power mauls to painful effect crushing several of the traitor's armour plating.

 

 Meanwhile the Guard's champion Kervhart found himself engaged with the traitorous sergeant. The two dodged eachothers attacks, Kervhart's thunderhammer singing with electricity as it swung. Seeing an openning in his oppenent's guard as he swung his powerfist Kervhart stepped closer. At the same time the sergeant closed the remaining distance between them, Kervhart realizing the feint too late as the powerfist slammed into his chest.

 

 His artificer armour crumpled under the force of the blow, both hearts and lungs bursting from the impact. For a moment he stood looking at the arm protruding through him. A faint trickle of blood started to find its way down the corner of his mouth. The sergeant started to pull away and Kervhart smiled, grabbing the man's arm and holding him fast.

 

 Sparks flew as he slammed his thunderhammer straight into his opponent's knee, shattering it and dropping him to one leg. Letting go of his arm Kervhart brought his thunderhammer down for the final time in a powerful two handed swing.

 

 The traitor tried to push himself out of the way but couldn't dodge the attack entirely in time, finding the head smashing through his shoulder burying itself in his side. Kervhart fell over, smile still clinging to his lips.

 

 The melee was over in moments. Brakos pulled his blade from his last victim and regrouped his men. Karlman kneeled next to Kervhart, recanting a quick prayer for the Emperor to guard his soul.

 

 "Was Kervhart the only one? Is anyone else wounded?"

 

 "Nothing we will die from" Karlman responded standing up. "Though I don't know where Gerven got to."

 

 As he spoke several loud thumps came from inside the Rhino. Brakos swiftly walked around to find Gerven climbing out of the Rhino from a hole he hacked through the rear door with his power axe. Brakos nodded his head in acknowledgement and the two rejoined the others.

 

 The dust was still thick in the air as Brakos led his men over the ridge where the enemy's Devastators had been taking cover from. The rumbling of plane motors was growing increasingly louder. He emerged from the cloud just in time to realize their danger.

 

 "COVER!" He shouted, but it was too late.

 

 On the other side of the crater the traitor Devastators openned fire into the blinded Honour Guard before Brakos even finished the word. The traitor guard's aircraft strafed low overhead, adding it's firepower into the onslaught. Behind the Devastators, the Predator had pivoted around to chase the plane but instead found Brakos and his men in its sights instead.

 Brakos took several lascannon shots bracing behind his storm shield, each one reverberating all the way through his shoulder. His arm was completely numb after the third shot. Heavy bolter rounds exploded all around kicking up more of the dried surface. Brakos backed down to the other side of the crater slowly, enduring heavy fire the entire way. When he finally was able to crouch down beneath the short ridge he faced a grim truth. Only Henre, the chaplain, and himself remained.

 

 Comms feeding through his helmet informed him that the Sternguard squad had been annihilated in a similar ambush, but not before managing to eliminate the unit that had been identified as the enemy commander of the traitor guard. Similarly the corrupted Librarian leading the traitor marines was reported to have been slain by a drop pod's autonomous fire. With the heads of both snakes cut off the only true threat that remained to seizing the stronghold was the two heavy weapons units currently blasting down on their position.

 

 "We move now. Use the dust cloud as cover and move around the crater to the north, I'll cross around to the south. Take out the Devastators and I'll bring down the Predator."

 

 He started to turn and paused, noticing the Crusade banner Henre still gripped. The thing was in tatters, enemy fire ripping and tearing gaping holes through it. The depiction ruined, barely recognizable as what it once was. And yet Henre still held it tightly, his firm grip as unshakable as his faith in what it represented. The blood of their Brothers...the protection of the Emperor...the resolution in their duty unto him.

 

 He continue turning and started making his way along the crater. Brakos soon reached the edge of the dust cloud and waited until Karlman and Henre engaged the Devastators to dash out towards the Predator.

 

 The battle tank was trying to readjust its barrels when Brakos slammed into it. Driving his sword point first he punched through the front armour, already heavily damaged from lascannon fire. The blade cut through easily, impaling the unfortunate driver. Twisting the blade out, Brakos tossed two Krak grenades through the gaping wound and lept clear of the explosion as they went off, causing the Lascannon's coolant system to fail and critically overheat.

 

 Updates on the battle reported that the few remaining traitors were on the retreat, both factions leaderless.

 

--------

 

 The following days would be a short clean up while the techmarines made the strategic stronghold fully functioning again. The Brothers who lost their lives were layed to rest in the Relentless Fury's mausoleum, their names inscribed on the Wall of Glory.

 

--------

 Brakos sat down in his command chair on the bridge, feeling older than he thought possible. The weight of his position always bore down on him after a battle. More men. More names.

 

 The wound on his face was almost completely hard scar tissue now. The entirety of his left cheek had burnt away, revealing his teeth and jawbone. The remaining flesh was twisted into a macbre mockery of a what appeared to be a grin. The vision was gone from his left eye. Brakos touched the wound, running his fingers down along the charred bone.

 

 It was only the beginning he knew. The enemy was before him laying terror to Imperial trade routes and worlds, obstructing the Emperor's path. Thousands of Imperial citizens were either being corrupted to join the enemy's ranks or slaughtered to fuel their dark gods.

 

 Leaning back his face broke into a grin, the flesh on the left side of his face contorting slightly as he started chuckling. The sound reverberating through the ship's bridge. Brakos watched the screens light up across the bridge and servitors sound note as more and more barges and cruisers exited warp jump around the Relentless Fury.

 

 It was only the beginning.

 

 The Black Templars were going to war.

 

 

-------------

Fluff style battle report for the Crusade of Wrath campaign. Wasn't sure if it belonged in the Batttle Rep forum or here.

[Apothecary Vaddon]

thought it was going to be an ENT 40k crossover for a sec 

then I was like wuuuuut why would you do this to dr beckett

[MarshalZappin]

That story was fantastic!

[ShinyRhino]

Not too bad. You paint a vivid scene, but one that gets a little cluttered and chaotic due to overuse of details in some areas, and too few in others. Here are some comments for specific things to take a second look at:

 

 

Burning metal. The smell was never fully filtered through the air respirators and was always present during drop.

Brakos inhaled deeply, tasting it on his tongue.
The smell was always the same, always mockingly hinting towards the taste of fresh rain. He smiled inwardly. A slight rocking shook the pod as it finished clearing through what little last bit of atmosphere clung to barren rock they were plummeting towards.

 

This is a nice opening, but you wait too long to introduce us to the main character. We get his name, but nothing else. At least indicate his rank and membership in his initial mention.

 

The readout on his visor was rapidily dimishing the distance to target, down to T-minus 7 at 65km. He took one final look at his brothers around him.

 

The above green text represents passive voice, which is not a favored way to write, especially when writing action scenes. Use active voice for more vivid and immediate descriptions. Instead of "was rapidly diminishing" use "diminished rapidly." Check the whole piece for places where you can replace what something "was" doing with what it does.

T-minus 5...

Gerven and Franc to his immediate left stood facing straight ahead. Their weapons were both already declipped from their maglocks and in hand. In the dim redness of the pod interior light their armour was buried in the shadows, causing the white of their helmets to appear as bodyless skulls.

 

I would recommend you remove the entire countdown process form your text. The reader doesn't need a second-by-second recounting of details, and in this instance you don't provide sequential information that is relevant. Instead of counting out time, show its effects. If these two Marines have their weapons in hand, describe how the pod's descent affects that. Do their arms shake or the bolters clatter against their armor as turbulence rattles the pod? There are some logistical point of view problems in this section as well. While the description of the armor being "buried in the shadows" is great language, it clashes with the earlier description of their weapons. If the narrator can't see their armor, how can he see their weapons? You use a lot of passive voice here as well, and this is the last time I'll nitpick it out. Instead of "their armor was buried in the shadows" try "the shadows buried their armor."

 3...

 Across from him Henre held the Crusade's banner across his chest, the cloth gripped tightly to the haft with his left hand preventing it from flapping widly in the confined space.

 

How is the cloth flapping inside a closed, sealed pod with no wind?
 

 2...

To his right the Reclusiarch Karlman was standing with his head slightly bent forward. He seemed almost in a trance, with the barest of a whisper heard from his lips as he recited litanies. He finished suddenly, his head snapping upwards while simultaneously grasping his Crozius.
 

This is where the weakness of the countdown format really flares up. You've got a five-second countdown, but a Chaplain who's reciting litanies. Is the one second that passes between your two and one count enough for the narrator to actually comprehend that the Chaplain is whispering, and that the words are litanies? Removing the countdown and replacing it with a generalized sense of time passing will fix this for you.

 1...

The readout swapped to a blinking IMPACT just as the thrusters on the underside of the pod came roaring to life. Stabilizers in his armour and harness prevented the sudden gforces from crushing his legs as a split second latter the pod came to a crashing halt. Harness and doors blew open at the same time and Brakos lept forward, leading his honour guard into the battle.

 

"Enemy devastators confirmed ahead 20m. Open fire!" His men let loose a fast volley at the traitors taking cover in a nearby crater, ripping several chunks from one's power armour that was too slow in reacting to the drop pod's sudden arrival.

 

The transition from leaping out of a pod (he should leap out, not forward. Leaping forward puts him into the center of the pod!) to dialog is too abrupt. He doesn't even have time to assess the situation before he's confirming things. Leap out, describe the scene, then give orders. Do not use shorthand or abbreviations in fiction. Use "twenty meters" and never "20m."

 

Status reports came rushing in with comms reopened after exiting the pod and Brakos assessed the situation. They arrived a couple hundred meters off target from the other squads. Charlie squad and Sword Brother Harold's Sternguard landed almost ontop of the enemy Guard unit, swiftly disabling the the battlecannon from the enemy's Leman Russ. However Charlie squad was already slain to a man. Harold was able to get his men into cover in a rocky outcropping before he himself was caught in the fire of rapid firing lasguns, pushing Brother Charivold into the cover and shielding him with his body. Bravo squad landed moments after Brakos', caught in the open as they hit near Charlie's location had been.
 

You lost your sense of time again in this section. Comms come back after he gets out of the pod, which he has already done and moved beyond. By mentioning it here, you're rewinding time and confusing the reader. I would highly recommend you rename "Charlie" squad. That is a modern, human designation and one Space Marines are unlikely to use, especially Black Templars. You've got a great opportunity to describe an action scene here, where the Marines are fighting against the tank, but you sum it up in just a couple words. They disable the cannon, story done. HOW do they do so? Is it difficult, or routine? What kills the squad? These are all very important details.

 "Form your positions, prepare to mount the charge" Brakos ordered, his voice gravely and metallic through his vox grill. "Silence their guns before we move to support our Brothers."

 

Who is he talking to? To whom is he referring when he wants "their" guns silenced? What sort of guns? Because you didn't illustrate the setting for this battle at all when they popped out of the pod, we have no clue who's who, what's what, and where's where.

A distant rumble of an aircraft was growing louder and bright flashes streaked towards their position, bursting into bright white as they impacted the front armour of the enemy's Predator tank a short distance behind the Devastators. The behemoth returned a lascannon shot of its own into the distance as the heavy bolters continued spitting shells at some unseen target.

 

Traitor marines poured from their Rhino transport as the honour guard reformed. They swiftly started spraying a suppressive fire onto Brakos and his men, their fall to Chaos not reducing their tactical doctrines efficiency or effectiveness.
 

There are a lot of tanks popping up out of nowhere! Describe these tanks, their locations, and the things around them in the initial scene setting.

Franc let out a sudden gasp as one of the bolter shots found its mark, blasting a fist sized hole through his abdomen and knocking him a distance backwards off his feet. The cold vacuum of space swiftly claimed what was left of his stomach's contents, leaving his suit contorted at an odd angle on the ground.

 

This is a good action scene, but you muddle it with vague descriptions (a distance backwards) and details out of left field (they're on an atmosphere-less planet now?). Present concise detail when itm atters, and at the appropriate time.

Comms came to Brakos from the Sternguard informing him of Bravo squad's similar demise as Charlie's. His eyes lingered on Franc's corpse as he was given the report.

 

Not even ten minutes into the battle and he'd already lost twelve of his men, two of which were venerated Sword Brothers.
Cold anger started to build within him at the impudency of both the traitor guard holed up on this outpost and the former battle brothers they were now forced to cleanse before their honour was completely lost. It sharpened to stabbing ache in his heart and dimmed just as swiftly in that split moment of thought to a steel resolve. "One who walks away from the light must be cleansed by it" he thought, "I will remove the contamination of their souls."

His face was suddenly on fire, the pain blinding his left eye. A plasma round from the traitors had skimmed alongside his helmet, melting a clean line along the jaw and causing the fusion to burn into his flesh. "CHARGE!" He roared, the skin tearing away as it stuck to the rapidly cooling metal.

 

Very nice, but it would be more believable if we had a sense of time and space around him. Is he just standing there in the open to be shot at? Is he hunkered down behind something and the shot was lucky or very skilled?

 

Coppery tange of his blood filled his mouth briefly before his Larraman's sealed the wound in a thin layer of bright pink scar tissue.

 

"Coppery tang of blood" is a cliché. Use something else.

"Battle Barge Relentless Fury this is Marshal Brakos." Anger...regret...absolution. Brakos felt them all again knowing there was no saving his former brothers in arms. "Activate Heaven's Gate Protocol on my position."

A brilliant beam of energy slammed into the ground behind the traitor's Rhino, catching several of their members and part of the devastator squad in its path. Relentless Fury has just fired one of it's lance batteries, normally used for ship to ship combat in deep space, and found its mark in the heart of the traitor marines. A wall of dust kicked up as the blast sent out shockwaves across the surface, slowing difting down almost suspended in the low gravity.
 

Great imagery, but it'll benefit from a sense of space. Is this lance strike close to the Templars? If so, that's quite the shot. Why is there no collateral damage? No shockwave, no flying debris? If it's not close, you can zoom out to encompass a wider scene.

The Honour Guard closed the gap seperating them from the traitor tactical marines, charging through the cloud of dirt. The sudden orbital strike catching them offguard and preventing any organized overwatch. Four of the marines swiftly found themselves victims of Brakos' sword, its blade flickering in the pale light around their clumsy attempts to parry him away. Karlman led Henre and Brothers Theodos and Titus, the four using their power mauls to painful effect crushing several of the traitor's armour plating.

Meanwhile the Guard's champion Kervhart found himself engaged with the traitorous sergeant. The two dodged eachothers attacks, Kervhart's thunderhammer singing with electricity as it swung. Seeing an openning in his oppenent's guard as he swung his powerfist Kervhart stepped closer. At the same time the sergeant closed the remaining distance between them, Kervhart realizing the feint too late as the powerfist slammed into his chest.

 

His artificer armour crumpled under the force of the blow, both hearts and lungs bursting from the impact. For a moment he stood looking at the arm protruding through him. A faint trickle of blood started to find its way down the corner of his mouth. The sergeant started to pull away and Kervhart smiled, grabbing the man's arm and holding him fast.

 

Sparks flew as he slammed his thunderhammer straight into his opponent's knee, shattering it and dropping him to one leg. Letting go of his arm Kervhart brought his thunderhammer down for the final time in a powerful two handed swing.

 

The traitor tried to push himself out of the way but couldn't dodge the attack entirely in time, finding the head smashing through his shoulder burying itself in his side. Kervhart fell over, smile still clinging to his lips.

 

Nice duel. Clean up the passive voice and you'll have a winner.

 

The melee was over in moments. Brakos pulled his blade from his last victim and regrouped his men. Karlman kneeled next to Kervhart, recanting a quick prayer for the Emperor to guard his soul.

 

Slice the first sentence out entirely. Don't tell us it's over, SHOW us it's over. Brakos can pull hs sowrd out, look around, and you can tell us what he sees in order to define the melee as over.

"Was Kervhart the only one? Is anyone else wounded?"
 

Who says this? I'd assume Brakos, but you need to label your lines of dialogue.

"Nothing we will die from" Karlman responded standing up. "Though I don't know where Gerven got to."

As he spoke several loud thumps came from inside the Rhino. Brakos swiftly walked around to find Gerven climbing out of the Rhino from a hole he hacked through the rear door with his power axe. Brakos nodded his head in acknowledgement and the two rejoined the others.
 

You lost the sense of time again. If the thumps sound as Karlman is speaking, they'd be either background noise or so loud they cover the speech. If you just drop the "as he spoke" part, it'll sort itself out as sequential. It would be interesting to know exactly what the thumps are though. All the Traitor Marines had already jumped out to fight, so what's he thumping in there?

The dust was still thick in the air as Brakos led his men over the ridge where the enemy's Devastators had been taking cover from. The rumbling of plane motors was growing increasingly louder. He emerged from the cloud just in time to realize their danger.

"COVER!" He shouted, but it was too late.

 

Again, time is muddled. Brakos leads his men somewhere, all while an aircraft is approaching. He seems unconcerned until he's out of the dust. Wouldn't he be just the opposite, worried by the approaching aircraft BECAUSE he's in the dust? "But it was too late" is another cliché. Some folks will use it, some won't. I would skip it and describe the event and its effects instead of using that phrase.

On the other side of the crater the traitor Devastators openned fire into the blinded Honour Guard before Brakos even finished the word. The traitor guard's aircraft strafed low overhead, adding it's firepower into the onslaught. Behind the Devastators, the Predator had pivoted around to chase the plane but instead found Brakos and his men in its sights instead.

Brakos took several lascannon shots bracing behind his storm shield, each one reverberating all the way through his shoulder. His arm was completely numb after the third shot. Heavy bolter rounds exploded all around kicking up more of the dried surface. Brakos backed down to the other side of the crater slowly, enduring heavy fire the entire way. When he finally was able to crouch down beneath the short ridge he faced a grim truth. Only Henre, the chaplain, and himself remained.

 

I was under the impression the Devastators and Predator were dead. If Brakos is taking lascannon fire, it would seem ill-advised to back slowly away. he might want to speed up, perhaps leaping for his life.

Comms feeding through his helmet informed him that the Sternguard squad had been annihilated in a similar ambush, but not before managing to eliminate the unit that had been identified as the enemy commander of the traitor guard. Similarly the corrupted Librarian leading the traitor marines was reported to have been slain by a drop pod's autonomous fire. With the heads of both snakes cut off the only true threat that remained to seizing the stronghold was the two heavy weapons units currently blasting down on their position.
 

This is a whole lot of information to sum up in passive voice and few words. Who are the comms feeding from if the Sternguard are dead?

"We move now. Use the dust cloud as cover and move around the crater to the north, I'll cross around to the south. Take out the Devastators and I'll bring down the Predator."

He started to turn and paused, noticing the Crusade banner Henre still gripped. The thing was in tatters, enemy fire ripping and tearing gaping holes through it. The depiction ruined, barely recognizable as what it once was. And yet Henre still held it tightly, his firm grip as unshakable as his faith in what it represented. The blood of their Brothers...the protection of the Emperor...the resolution in their duty unto him.

He continue turning and started making his way along the crater. Brakos soon reached the edge of the dust cloud and waited until Karlman and Henre engaged the Devastators to dash out towards the Predator.
 

Passive voice makes this scene read as very nonchalant. If he starts making his way along the crater, it sounds like he's off for a casual jaunt. Describe him running, leaping, ducking, etc.

The battle tank was trying to readjust its barrels when Brakos slammed into it. Driving his sword point first he punched through the front armour, already heavily damaged from lascannon fire. The blade cut through easily, impaling the unfortunate driver. Twisting the blade out, Brakos tossed two Krak grenades through the gaping wound and lept clear of the explosion as they went off, causing the Lascannon's coolant system to fail and critically overheat.

Updates on the battle reported that the few remaining traitors were on the retreat, both factions leaderless.

 

Nice action scene, but the final "updates from the battle" line obliterates it in passive voice. You tell us the lascannon overheats, and then jump right to a battle report. Show that tank exploding, and what Brakos does as a result. Does he stand there and get blown up with it?

 

--------

 
The following days would be a short clean up while the techmarines made the strategic stronghold fully functioning again. The Brothers who lost their lives were layed to rest in the Relentless Fury's mausoleum, their names inscribed on the Wall of Glory.

 

--------
Brakos sat down in his command chair on the bridge, feeling older than he thought possible. The weight of his position always bore down on him after a battle. More men. More names.

The wound on his face was almost completely hard scar tissue now. The entirety of his left cheek had burnt away, revealing his teeth and jawbone. The remaining flesh was twisted into a macbre mockery of a what appeared to be a grin. The vision was gone from his left eye. Brakos touched the wound, running his fingers down along the charred bone.

It was only the beginning he knew. The enemy was before him laying terror to Imperial trade routes and worlds, obstructing the Emperor's path. Thousands of Imperial citizens were either being corrupted to join the enemy's ranks or slaughtered to fuel their dark gods.

Leaning back his face broke into a grin, the flesh on the left side of his face contorting slightly as he started chuckling. The sound reverberating through the ship's bridge. Brakos watched the screens light up across the bridge and servitors sound note as more and more barges and cruisers exited warp jump around the Relentless Fury.

 

Smiling and laughing as he laments the loss of men and the dire situation of the war feels uncharacteristic for the character you illustrated to us. It gives the impression he's a little insane. He's got to react some other way or you lose the character.

 

 It was only the beginning.

 
 The Black Templars were going to war.

 

 

-------------

Fluff style battle report for the Crusade of Wrath campaign. Wasn't sure if it belonged in the Batttle Rep forum or here.

 

I know batreps are typically poor sources for fiction, but the above suggestions might help you turn it into actual fiction instead of a turn-by-turn summary with fancy words.

[Bloodcrusade]

Thanks for words guys, I really appreciate it and am glad you liked it!

@ ShinyRhino: Thanks for the tips. This is literally something that I busted out in ~2hrs on notepad while the battle was still fresh in my mind and Copy+Pasted over. I know there's some cliche things and some of the time-to-action is really....abrupt. The problems I had trying to pen it out included that it was a special rules scenario we were playing, and that the game is turn based. I was having trouble trying to describe the scene from his (Brakos') point of view with event's not happening simultaneously but sequentially:

• Drop pod landed. They disembarked and couldn't move or assault. Devs got a whole turn to shoot them, same with the Tactical marines. THEN Brakos could move-shoot-assault. Then they had to stand around and get shot AGAIN with-out dodge, duck, dip, dive, or dodging out of the way.

I also wrote this under the assumption that the reader knew:

1. NX-01 scenario is an assault on a low gravity moon/barren planet for the Crusade of Wrath campaign in the Black Templar subforum. Its rules include it being subject to the vacuum of space, hence Franc's death to a 'rending' bolter shot from the Tactical marines and being knocked back (I agree with your advise on details though, again was assuming a few things when I wrote it).

I skimmed the details of what/where/why they were attacking because of this, and tried to give some form of reason as to why Brakos was standing there letting their enemy get the better of his men instead of taking cover or moving etc.: Reforming to prep for a charge after disembarking. 'Slowly' backing down the crater trying to shield himself as he was taking lascannon shots. Also tried to use the 'cloud of debris' as a reason why they got 'surprised' by enemy devastator and predator fire.

Comms feed was being constantly fed from Relentless Fury, but as you pointed out I neglected to mention this. I also failed to establish that exiting the pod and comms coming in was a simultaneous event as openning fire on the enemy Devastator squad.

And the count down was super cliche, but I included it to try to do two things: Give a sense of imminence (The pod was about to land, was about to hit the fan), and fill in from having to include the first turn of the game as his unit arrived from Reserves on Turn Two.

I really appreciate the feed back and and suggestions. A broader scope of things would have been hugely beneficial as you pointed out, but there is very, very little in way of information from the campaign's organizers at the moment on what/why we (The player) are trying to reclaim a base and I didn't want to risk stepping on any toes for any official cannon they have in store for the campaign. My battle report is the first one turned in, so the ending was (In my head) Brakos laughing at how unfortunate the Traitors were to be facing the gathering wrath of the combined force of arms as the ships (Other players) exited warp drive around him (Get off their butts and turn in some battle reports...I kid, I kid!).

I'm looking forward to your suggestion on any of the future stuff I end up throwing out here as the campaign goes on. I'll try to take a little more time with your advice in mind in the future. Writing is usually something that gives me a roadblock so I'm really glad for your advice and that you liked it! Next one I wont try to put out at 5 in the morning after gaming all day and put more effort into making it more fluid!

[ShinyRhino]

Honestly, I skimmed it, liked it, and then started with the red pen. I got to the end, and realized it was a straight up battle report. I wasn't sure if I should discard the comments or not, but decided to post them just in case it was useful. That and I had some free time while I waited for a build to publish :P.

 

It's got good bones!

[PATemplar]

I wanted to say thanks for this battle report turned into a short story, I enjoyed it. I will agree there were a couple of points that could have been improved . I too wondered how there would have been wind inside the drop pod that made the banner flap. I didn't mind the count down but agree that calling the squads charlie and bravo was to modern sounding, usually I've seen BT squads named after the sword brother in the squad or even in older fluff before we got folded into the new codex squads were still just named after some brother in the squad even if he wasn't a sword brethern. Hope you keep up with the report/stories.

[paulJam]

@ShineyRhino

I agree with your point about the timing aspect of the countdown but I like the countdown in general.

perhaps you (@bloodcrusade) could use a spoken altimeter reading instead which would alleviate the period being just a mere 5 seconds... i.e. 10km to impact, 4 km to impact, 1 km to impact (reducing the interval to denote accelleration).

 

Smiling and laughing as he laments the loss of men and the dire situation of the war feels uncharacteristic for the character you illustrated to us. It gives the impression he's a little insane. He's got to react some other way or you lose the character.

The leaders of superhuman marines may still be affected by the loss of their minions. Since they're too macho to cry, perhaps they laugh. Add to that, getting half your face melted off is as good a reason as any to go a little loony. A little insanity is hardly the worst think that can happen given black rages and red thirst etc.

 

"causing the white of their helmets to appear as bodyless skulls."

ace!

 

enjoyed the story.

thank you bloodcrusade

[Brother Raul]

Thats a bat rep and a half! Frustrated by your tac of not id'ing the chapter till the end but hey, its a stylistic thing :) more 'bat reps' please!

[Thomas Aquinas]

Hey. This is a great story. The imagery and narrative do bring the battle report to life. I can imagine it from Brakos point of view. I do like the idea of the countdown appearing inside his visor. The only thing is the physics of it. To cover 65km in 7 seconds they'd be doing roughly 3348kmph, over 2000mph, nearly the record set by sr71. Then in the last second they decelerate to a "safe" landing speed when the booster comes on...

They must be some stabilisers to stop him being pancaked... Oh and how could they hear the rumble of approaching air craft in the vacuum of space?

I would recommend you remove the entire countdown process form your text.
3...

Across from him Henre held the Crusade's banner across his chest, the cloth gripped tightly to the haft with his left hand preventing it from flapping widly in the confined space.

How is the cloth flapping inside a closed, sealed pod with no wind?

2...

To his right the Reclusiarch Karlman was standing with his head slightly bent forward. He seemed almost in a trance, with the barest of a whisper heard from his lips as he recited litanies. He finished suddenly, his head snapping upwards while simultaneously grasping his Crozius.

This is where the weakness of the countdown format really flares up. You've got a five-second countdown, but a Chaplain who's reciting litanies. Is the one second that passes between your two and one count enough for the narrator to actually comprehend that the Chaplain is whispering, and that the words are litanies? Removing the countdown and replacing it with a generalized sense of time passing will fix this for you.

1...

Although a cliche the countdown is still an effective device. Countdowns to bomb explosions or rockets lifting off are great if overrused tension builders. Maybe the perception of time is extended (passive voice? ) extends as the moment of impact approaches and more detail than normal can be taken in. Agree with some other comments.

AS this is a quick rough draft and the imagery has great potential I would like to see a cleaned up version with all the above critique taken into account.

Texting makes it hard for me to remember how to make a sentence any more, or place punctuation. Reading is easy but writing is another matter. Well done on your effort.