IA: Heralds of Retribution WIP

[Lucernius]

Added a few changes, mainly to timeline, incorperated the Retributors idea and i really like it, i just have to write that into the history (havent yet).

 

Plans for now is to chagne Balefire planet culture a bit, either to a  Shrine World or or Feudal World with pious citizens, the main recruits are going to be the more cultistic and zealous type of persons, think some kind of offshoot of Redemptionists. That and the chapter surviving the encounter and the chapters Litany being created there on this holy of worlds will cement the reason why the chapter changed ways so profoundly a little better.

[Commissar Molotov]

I think you need a punchier introduction to your article. By spreading information throughout the article that the reader needs to create a fully-fleshed picture in their mind, it prevents them from fully immersing themselves in your creation. For example, in the first "Chapter History" section, you talk about the "few records" left to the Chapter - but the reader doesn't know why. 

 

I think you need to capture the reader straight away. Consider, for example, my Castigators: 

 

 

Part of the fourteenth founding of the Adeptus Astartes, the Castigators have earned a reputation as staunch and stalwart guardians of the Imperium in the millennia since their inception. The Adeptus Mechanicus birthed the nascent Chapter from the gene-legacy of Roboute Guilliman, Primarch of the Ultramarines, and it is said that a Martian dictate ensured that only the purest progenoid glands were used during their creation. If true, this is an arguably excessive measure considering the exemplary nature of Guilliman's gene-stock. Some fanciful tales further claim that the Genetor-Magi considered and then discarded many perfectly usable progenoid glands in their efforts to create the Castigators.

 

That first paragraph helps to introduce the Chapter and their key theme - that of purity. Consider this - what is the overriding theme of your Chapter? What is the snapshot impression you want your readers to have of your Chapter? Give the reader that snapshot before the "Chapter History" section.

 

 

You could consider cleaving closer to the original IA format - have an "Origins" section that details the creation of the Chapter, what it inherited from the White Scars, when they were created, and their settlement on their first homeworld. Then use the "Homeworld" section to detail the death of their first homeworld, the effect that had, and their settlement on their second homeworld. After that, then use your "Beliefs" section to give us a better flavour of the chapter as a whole. 

 

As I said previously, think about the reader and the information you wish to transmit to them. 

[Lucernius]

 

As I said previously, think about the reader and the information you wish to transmit to them. 

 

That is the hard part for me, it feels like atleast!

 

Yeah i think i need to redo the flow of the text, i start with history and that feels like a wall of text for me come to think of it.

 

 

Have you had a chance to check the Leviathans out? Is the impression and flow of things  better on them? I really like the layout i use in that chapter better than on the Retributors. If you dont want to read it (its short atm) i understand, but i feel myself like the flow is much better, even tho im not finished on them. The Heralds i have had in the making since i was 24ish i think it was but the leviathans is like 2 weeks old? :D

 

If you read you dont need to comment on them, only hint here if you feel the flow is better if you do check it out.

 

Thanks mate i do love your detailed C&C!! Much appreciated!

[Brother-Sergeant Valorum]

I like the added Retributors stuff. It fits very well, and I especially like the reason you gave for their later name change.

[Achilles_Prime]

Good to see a successor chapter to the White Scars! I thought it very good mate!