Index Astartes - Storm Riders

[Ace Debonair]

...Ok, I'm a little puzzled.

So is there a new thread coming, or should I just C&C this one?

I only ask because I'd feel very silly indeed if I'm critiquing things you've already changed for the next version.

[Kelborn]

No probs.

 

You can c&c here.

 

Although I've started a separate thread in the Special Projects sub forum which will include ALL of it (Knights, Titan Legio, sector history, enemies and so on), this one will only feature the Storm Riders themselves. That's why I called the other one: Waniku chronicles. :)

Things like the extended chapter beliefs will be uploaded here as well. Put them out for the start as it would be way too much info.

 

Both threads are regularly updated. So if there is something, I need to change. I will adapt it in both threads. :)

[Ace Debonair]

OK. Sorry this has taken me so long.
It's been a long time since I got my teeth into an article like this, so I hope I'm not too rusty.

First thing's first, just in case you're new to this style of C&C, let me just explain something first:

I'm not out to destroy, belittle or otherwise demean you, or your hard work. My sole purpose with this C&C is to inspire and motivate you, to take an already good article and improve it further. If anything I say comes across as unfair or nasty, then I apologize in advance.

Furthermore, anything and everything I say is a suggestion only - if you don't agree with what I have to say, you aren't obliged to act on anything I point out.

That said, I'm going to C&C this the only way I know how: by hunting down and highlighting absolutely everything that I think could benefit from revision.

Oh, and one last thing before I begin - I just need to say that Chapter Badge is just awesome!

Now without further ado, on with the show...

The chapter was founded during the 2nd Great Founding shortly after the events of the Horus Heresy. Before that, the brotherhood of the Storm Riders was one of many brotherhoods of the Vth Legiones Astartes, the White Scars. Fighting on their own on the opposite side of the universe, the brotherhood of the Storm Riders under Thoruk Khan was separated for several years, allying themselves with a Blackshield force which called itself Black Angels against the traitorous forces of the Death Guard. When they finally joined the rest of the Legion under the Great Khan right before the siege of Terra, they were able to fought at their brothers and side. Afterword's they traveled across the imperial realm, avenging their fallen brothers and the Emperor.

The underlined word should read 'Afterwards'.

When Roboute Guilliman released the Codex Astartes, Jaghatai Khan was amongst those who agreed to split their Legions. The Storm Riders, as they were called by their brothers, were ordered to reinforce the loyal forces in the Segmentum Ultima, taking their seat in the Waniku sub sector with Aukkaja being their new homeworld.

Since then, the Storm Riders's primary task is to guard the Waniku sub-sector and the surrounding region, which are both infrequently plagued by Orks, Dark Eldar and more frequently by the forces of Chaos under the leadership of the Nightmarchers, former Storm Riders, who joined the Dark Gods after the devastating Pal Harboris catastrophe.

With their mastery of their ancient art of war called Lua, stellar warfare and their battle ferocity, the warriors the Storm Riders are fearsome foes, not to be trifled with on the battlefield less you wished bodily harm to be inflicted upon your person.

The last part of that last paragraph made me laugh aloud.
Unfortunately, this is not a good thing when trying to make your Chapter sound dangerous and threatening.

Great Crusade

The sons of the Great Khan

Uh... this whole section has nothing to do with your Chapter. This is just an overview of the White Scars Legion.

I'd honestly say this section should just be cut out altogether.
Plenty of information exists on the White Scars already, and it's safe to assume most people reading your IA will either know who the White Scars are or be able to find out on their own.

Although, since you have another thread containing all your collated information, you could leave this information intact in that thread and remove it from this one with no ill effects.

Horus Heresy

Who to trust? +++under construction+++


At the Khagans side

The same applies to this: There's no new information here about the Storm Riders, this is still about the White Scars.
As such, it doesn't belong in an article that should be telling me about the Storm Riders.

The Codex Astartes

Though Jaghatai Khan survived the tumultuous battles of the Horus Heresy, like so many of his brother Primarchs he was cruelly taken from the service of Mankind in the years that followed. Seven standard years after the end of the Horus Heresy, during the period called the Reformation when the Imperium was largely guided by the Ultramarines Primarch Roboute Guilliman, the White Scars adopted Guilliman's Codex Astartes and the Vth Legion allowed itself to be grudgingly divided into several different Successor Chapters. In order to contain the outlaws, Renegades and aliens that dwelled within the Maelstrom Warp rift and had taken advantage of the disruptions caused by the Heresy to run amok in the Ultima Segmentum, Roboute Guilliman ordered the surrounding star systems to be reinforced. The White Scars were tasked with the main responsibility for securing the area from their homeworld. Therefore, the Khagan declared that his sons shall spread themselves across the Imperium to defend it before the countless menaces out there. Like their brothers, the Brotherhood of the Storm Riders were tasked to secure a certain region of the Segmentum Ultima, the Waniku sub sector. Their Khan, Thoruk, choosed to settle on Aukkaja, a world they have used priorly as a stage point to fight the Death Guard. Upon on one of the few massive islands, they build a fortress, using it as their spiritual centre and training facility for new recruits. Furthermore, they were given a new Ramilies star fortress, using it as their mobile base of operations and fortress monastery, naming it the Storms Eye. As a independent chapter of the newly formed Adaptus Astartes, they still carry their former name as part of Jaghatais Ordu, the Storm Riders.

The underlined section isn't really to do with the Storm Riders.
So again, I'd recommend removing it, or putting it into your other article.

Beginning the History with the founding of your Chapter makes a whole heck of a lot more sense than spending a thousand words on an existing Legion, after all!

*Combat Doctrine*

Fantastic stuff.

It might be worth adding more about their use of aircraft that's mentioned at the start of the post, to help them stand out more from the White Scars, but otherwise I'd say this section was very good!

*Organisation*

I really like this section. The only C&C I have is that I'm not 100% sure if the Koa Tribe is in the Chapter or on the homeworld. Maybe it'd be worth having Tribes in the Chapter and Clans on the Homeworld, just for clarity's sake?

I also see there's more about the Chapter's use of aircraft in this section, but I still think it might be worth adding or moving a sentence or two about them to the Combat Doctrine.

The aukkajan people venerate three legendary warriors, who all serve a golden god. These Warriors were brothers as well and every single one of them was a master in his own form of waging war. Kahan was the ultimate hunter, disciplined, and a master of speed and the seas. His two brothers are Magnan the mystic, a wise and noble man who is capable of sorcery and Orous the deceiver, a brutal and merciless warrior. They all serve the golden sun god, the ruler of mankind, the Emperor. Although all of them were equally treated by the sun god, Ourus started to feel left behind until he got so depressed that he finally listened to the dark voices of the night. He gave in their cause to destroy the sun God, killing his brother Magnan by lurking him into a trap. Using his dead brothers’ knowledge about the arcane arts, he confronted the sun god. In a apocalyptic duel which ravaged Aukkajas surface, leaving only islands behind, Orous was defeated and banished into the shadows of the night. The sun god was mortally wounded, leaving the mortal realm, he returned to his thrones in the skies to guard the people of Aukkaja. Kahan, saddened and outraged that he came to late to save his brother and master, swore to prepare menkind for the final confrontation between light and dark. Until then, he will hunt down the servants of the night and protect Aukkaja against all odds.

My first thought is that this should probably be somewhere in the Homeworld section, since it's not actually part of the Chapter's Beliefs.

But...

After arriving on Aukkaja, Thoruk Khan and his followers accepted this believe as it has indeed happened between the Great Khan and his brothers Magnus and Horus during the Heresy. Since then, the Storm Riders see the Emperor as the greatest leader of all time, but not as a god.

I'm not sure what this paragraph is telling me.
Do the Storm Riders believe in the Aukkajan version of the tale, despite the fact you've mentioned they were on Terra?

Did they see the Emperor as a God before they came to Aukkaja?

As noted above, the Storm Riders refuse to deploy Dreadnoughts within their ranks as the thought of being entombed within the mighty cybernetic construction is anathema to the Storm Riders' beliefs that when a warrior dies, his soul should be free to travel to the afterlife and not be confined where it cannot freely roam the plains of the netherworld.

Actually it's noted above that they do use dreadnoughts, but only rarely and generally to fulfil oaths of vengeance, which is equal parts grimdark and awesome.

"The Storm Riders? We know them well. Fast as a lightning bolt and fighting like a ferocious beast. From the sons of the Khan, they are the ones we like the most. Have you ever fought at their side? Have you ever shared a good drink with them? No? Pah! Then you don't know anything about them!"
— Wolflord Horgar Nightwolf

Heh, I guess Horgar Nightwolf never met the Stonebound.

-=-=-=-=-=-=

All in all, I really like this Chapter. They've got a good, strong sense of personality, and a great balance between raw tribal savagery and proud, nuanced warrior culture. They don't do anything too outlandish or bizarre, and yet all the parts of the article about the Storm Riders are packed full of interesting bits of information, and are well-written and engaging.

But that's the problem with the article, there are bits that just plain and simple aren't about the Storm Riders.

It's a bit like reading a recipe that's titled 'Strawberry Trifle' and then finding the first ten steps are all about how to grow some strawberries - it's useful information, but not what you expected to read.

And I appreciate that you're building a larger project, something of a much grander scale, but right now all the stuff about the White Scars and the heresy have no actual bearing on your Chapter. The best part about having a thread dedicated to the larger story is that you can easily leave those bits in that thread, and simply excise them from this article.

Trimming them down or better still, removing them entirely, will help the IA become a lot more focused, and I think that'll make it so much better.

Phew... that's everything.

I hope my ramblings are of some use to you, and please feel free to ignore anything I've said if you don't agree with it.

[Kelborn]

Jezz that is the most polite c&c I've ever seen, thank you! :)

 

I'm glad that you enjoy them. As I'm writing via phone, I'll try my best to answer.

 

The part that made you laugh: don't know from where I got that. I used a lot of paragraphs of warhammer wiki for the formulation and way of writing. ;)

 

Parts which don't have to do with them: I thought that I would need to explain and write something about their past and origin as WS. They shouldn't pop up from nowhere. Especially when they are a second founding chapter. Maybe it is too much about the Scars. Will have a look on it.

 

Who to trust & at the Khagans side: damn, forgot to upload it here as well. Those paragrpahs are ment to introduce Thoruk Khan and the Waniku sector. Includes a war against a DG fleet at the side of another loyal forge, the Black Angels.

 

Combat Doctrine: Thank you.:) it is a mixture between the Scars and the Soul Drinkers.

 

Organization: ranks are missing, but yeah, I should name them differently. Too many tribes out there.;)

 

Belief: You're right. Will have a look on it. Thought that the belief of the Aukkajan people was acceptes by them and held high as a legend of old, knowing the terrible thruth of the heresy and using it for neophytes as an introduction into the chapters history.

 

Oversaw that mistake concerninb Dreadnaughts.

 

Sounds like the Stonebound and the Riders could get along quite well.;) will read your articke about them.

 

Thanks again for your feedback! Now I know that I'm on a good way. It's just horrible when you don't know if your work is full of nosense or at least acceptable. :P

[NightHowler]

This is my first time giving C&C on the Liber, but I have to say I really liked your beliefs section although I agree with Ace that it should probably be in the Homeworld section - it is awesome.   I really like the way you took the Scar's fast attack shtick and applied it to ship to ship combat with your recruits coming from an ocean world.  Overall very cool.  

 

In terms of criticism, I can only say that I think you could benefit from giving it a once through to look for grammar errors and words that are spelled correctly but used incorrectly.  Other than that I really like it.  Fun to read for sure.

[Kelborn]

Thank you. :)

 

Will work on the mentioned things today.

 

Concerning grammar errors and the like, I used Word's corrector function. Seems like that wasn't enough. Will have a look on it.

[Ace Debonair]

Jezz that is the most polite c&c I've ever seen, thank you!

I was honestly worried that I was being too harsh.

It's always hard to know how people will react to C&C, so I try to be nice about it.

Belief: You're right. Will have a look on it. Thought that the belief of the Aukkajan people was acceptes by them and held high as a legend of old, knowing the terrible thruth of the heresy and using it for neophytes as an introduction into the chapters history.

Ah, now I understand.

That's a good idea, but I still think the Aukkajan's beliefs would fit better in the homeworld section.

It'd give you plenty of space to talk about how the Chapter views the Aukkajan take on the Horus Heresy, too.

Sounds like the Stonebound and the Riders could get along quite well. will read your articke about them.

They're still a very rough draft right now.

I'll get back to working on them after the ETL.

Thanks again for your feedback! Now I know that I'm on a good way. It's just horrible when you don't know if your work is full of nosense or at least acceptable.

Happy I could help!

I know what you mean about the lack of feedback, sometimes the Liber can be a very slow forum.

[Kelborn]

Jezz that is the most polite c&c I've ever seen, thank you!

I was honestly worried that I was being too harsh.

It's always hard to know how people will react to C&C, so I try to be nice about it.

Belief: You're right. Will have a look on it. Thought that the belief of the Aukkajan people was acceptes by them and held high as a legend of old, knowing the terrible thruth of the heresy and using it for neophytes as an introduction into the chapters history.

Ah, now I understand.

That's a good idea, but I still think the Aukkajan's beliefs would fit better in the homeworld section.

It'd give you plenty of space to talk about how the Chapter views the Aukkajan take on the Horus Heresy, too.

Sounds like the Stonebound and the Riders could get along quite well. will read your articke about them.

They're still a very rough draft right now.

I'll get back to working on them after the ETL.

Thanks again for your feedback! Now I know that I'm on a good way. It's just horrible when you don't know if your work is full of nosense or at least acceptable.

Happy I could help!

I know what you mean about the lack of feedback, sometimes the Liber can be a very slow forum.

Hey there.

I've worked on your mentioned points. Hop that's better now.

Furthermore I added the following bits:

History

- Who to trust? <- story of Thoruk Khan and his men at the beginning od the Horus Heresy

- The Pal Harboris catastrophe <- Storm Riders + loyal forces vs a Chaos Space Hul and . . . (no spoiler, :

- chapter ranks

What is still in progress:

- Notable Elements

- a couple of short engagements against Orks, Dark Eldar and the like, following in the footsteps of Warchief Auwakei and his right hand, Chieftain Mikala

When this is mostly done, I will start working on a imperial Knight Household named Toho. The idea came up in the BotL sub forum. It's about an ocean world on which a Knight House guards the innocent against seemingly primitives and reptilian Nagazh and the giant monsters called Ke'mano. Something like Pacific Rim in Warhammer 40k

To flesh them out, I'll make use of 1d4chans Knight House creation tables.

As I wanted to keep the articles rather short, I'm thinking about to open a new thread for House Toho and furthermore use this new thread for Titan Legio Gojira as well.

Nevertheless, in my The Waniku Chronicles thread, I'll post everything in it just to have everything at one place.

If some of you are interested in the extanded version, which includes rituals the known planets of the Waniku sub-sector and so on, don't hesitate and have a look on it by clicking on the link in my signature below.

cheers

[Bjorn Firewalker]

Who's the "Khagan" mentioned in the History of the Storm Riders section "At the Khagan's side"? You caused confusion, due to the fact you didn't define the term until the Chapter Organization section.

[Bjorn Firewalker]

Problem:

 

Chieftain - A Chieftain is the Space Marine officer who commands an entire Storm Riders Tribe (company)...

Tide Callers - The kahuna or "Tide Callers" of the Storm Riders perform the same functions as other Chapters' cadre of Librarians and Chaplains... When a Warchief is lost on the field of battle, it is the Tide Callers who are called upon to decide who his successor will be to lead the Chapter... There, Tribe Chieftains present themselves to be tested and scrutinized by the Tide Callers. The process and trials used by the Tide Callers to test and approve who the next Warchief will be is unknown. FEW CANDIDATES SURVIVE the arduous process, and those that do to become the next Warchief will never speak of the trials they endured.

 

Emphasis mine. Your Chapter effectively inflicts a decapitation strike upon itself, killing its own Captains whenever a previous decapitation strike kills its Chapter Master. The loss of so many skilled and experienced LEADERS will reduce its effectiveness in future battles, making it more vulnerable to Chaos deception or even infiltration. Hell, I wouldn't be surprised if such self-inflicted damage was what allowed the Pal Harboris Catastrophe to occur, i.e., Ikaika was promoted to the rank of Chieftain in order to replace one who died during the test to select a new Warchief, despite the fact he lacked the experience to be a good leader.

 

Then there's the question "Who watches the watchmen?" i.e., who scrutinizes the Tide Callers who scrutinize the Chapter's potential leaders, to ensure the Tide Callers themselves are fit to scrutinize others? How do they prevent the Tide Callers from succumbing to Chaos influence- and failing that, identify and eliminate those who fell?

[Kelborn]

Good points, Bjorn.

 

1. the term Khagan: It's Jaghatai Khan himself, called Khagan by his sons. Haven't thought that I need to mention it separately.

 

2. Really good point. To be honest, I used the ranks of the White Scars (as you can see them on warhammerwiki) and only changed the names, etc. On the one hand, you're right. It weakens their command structure too heavy. On the other hand, you gave me a really good reason why Ikaika may turn renegade. ;) It's difficult, but I think that I'll change that section a bit, making it more reasonable.

 

 

+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+

 

As I was caught up in traffic jam, I got some ideas for an entire campaign, including several chapters, Knight Houses and so on, which I want to write down here: (Everything in "" is not fix and can change, mostly used for names)

 

provisional name for it: The Corrupter

 

Including

 

Protagonists: Astartes = Storm Riders, possible Space Wolves, other chapters (hopefully DIY of the Liber ;)), House Toho, House Harkon (Space Wolves in Knights ^^), possible House "Knights of the Burning Blade" (Black Templars in Knights and red livery), Imperial Guard, maybe Grey Knights

 

Antagonists: Orks= "Shadowtooth" clan, "Grinskull" clan, remains of Bonechewa clan; possible Chaos involvement (be it demons or traitor marines, maybe some Liber involvement as well?)

 

"Gorian empire"= imagine a rather ogre empire which was corrupted by one of their shamans called Dal'Gun to become a monstrous horde of bloodthirsty berserkers (reminds you of something? ;)), was stopped by House Harkon and Space Wolves (ogres lived on Harkons planet), thought to be extinguished but Dal'Gun (now a champion of chaos undivided) was able to flee with some of his forces, now travels through the galaxy to inflict chaos and serve his sinister masters, for example spreading the plagues of Nurgle on the homeworld of Knight House Atreis which ultimately lead to their reformation into the Knights of the Burning Blade; newest goal of Dal'Gun is to create an unstoppable army, loyal to chaos, he is experimenting with Orks, finally found a mixture or a spell or whatever, to turn them as well into more bloodthirsty maniacs "OI! Drink that, you squid! Orkz get HARDA, BÄDDA, FÄSTA, STRONGA!"

 

Dal'Gun, are you familiar with Warcrafts Cho'Gall? A two-headed ogre warlock, once the apprentice of grand warlock Gul'Dan, he abandoned his former tutor to join the Dark Gods forces, recreating his Twilight-Hammer Clan into a fanatical cult, which heralds the end of all things. Something like him. Champion of Chaos undivided because of the following:

• Khorne: Tearing his foes apart and creating a bloodthirsty army of giant, mighty berserkers is something Khorne would like
• Tzeentch: Scheming hideous plans to create, to corrupt or to bring down his enemies? Tzeentch likes that.
• Nurgle: Using papa Nurgles plagues to end life and give him millions of souls to devour on? Papa likes candy.
• Slaneesh: Tearing foes apart is nice, enjoying the agony of it is even better. Tasting the sweet drips of blood filled with the essence of its former owner is something Slaneesh would recommend.

The whole campaign could occur in between M33-35. Wanted to set this campaign early on as I don't think it would be reasonable to let Dal'Gun work behind the scenes for 10k years or so.

 

This idea just came up. It consists of several minor parts of different projects of mine, turning them into one great thing. Maybe I'll work on it when I finished House Toho. Maybe even later on. Don't know.

 

You can C&C on this as well if you want to. Maybe one or two of you like the overall idea and want to work on this as well? :)

 

cheers,

Kelborn

[Kelborn]

Added the first version of my selfmade map of the Dominion of Storms where the Waniku realm is situated.

 

 

As you can see, it does not only feature the region known as Waniku but as well some other regions I've created for other projects which I had abandoned. Now, I will reuse my old ideas and bring them all together. Therefore you can see here quite a lot of different nebulas and storms which gave the region its name. There are some unnamed dots as well in the southern map. I left them for possible future content.

 

Furthermore I want to tell you that I'm currently revising the whole Waniku / Storm Riders project and turn it into one greater project of mine. I did create a separate thread in the special projects subforum and I think that I will keep it and upload everything over there. To keep you informed, I will post a link here, when I did some major uploads.