IA: The Stonebound (2016)

[Dosjetka]

So Dwarves in Spaaaaaaaace. Almost moreso than Squats.

 

Hum.

 

I don't have anything precise in the way of criticism/nitpicks for the moment but one thing definitely stands out: you're pushing the theme too far. Quest for their lost home world is great and you should definitely keep that. However, piling on axes, forging, greed, mining, isolationist tendancies, distrust, inflexibility, stubbornness, Kharabor/Erebor, Stormsilver/mithril, sagas, grudge stones, unhealthy obsessions, etc etc etc... it really comes across as you trying to shoehorn Tolkien-esque Dwarves into the 40k universe and, for me at least, just doesn't work. I'd suggest you restrict yourself to only having a few of the many Dwarven traits you've used so far and to increase the influence of their White Scar heritage, while also mixing in a few Gothic influences just because everything in 40k should have something Gothic in it.

 

I'll go over your IA again and see if I can contribute in a more meaningful way over the next few days.

[Frater Cula]

The more superficial the resemblance, the more it risks over-theming, I'd say.  If you ditched axes, "Kharabor", and ___silver, it'd be a lot harder to pin down.  (Not having seen the Hobbit trilogy, the saga didn't ring a bell for me; maybe for others it's a dead giveaway.)

 

Alternately, if you want more Tolkien: Stormsilver is really the infiltration of Necron materials from buried tomb complexes all across the sector.  The Stonebound delved too greedily, and too deep...

[Ace Debonair]

Oh yeah, I forgot about these guys.

So Dwarves in Spaaaaaaaace. Almost moreso than Squats.

Hum.

I don't have anything precise in the way of criticism/nitpicks for the moment but one thing definitely stands out: you're pushing the theme too far.

The more superficial the resemblance, the more it risks over-theming, I'd say.

Yep.

I'm going all-out with the Dwarf theme, then I'm going to excise the more... overt bits* and replace them with more 'Space Marine' qualities.

The greed-as-character-flaw is going to stay, I just need to work out what exactly Space Marines can be greedy about without it seeming silly.

Regardless, the Stonebound are on the back-burner for a little while. I've got plenty of other stuff to be getting on with at the moment!

*I promise nothing about what bits will be removed or altered and what won't.