homegrown chapter - The Headsman Guard

[Ashur]

My homegrown chapter. English is not my first language, and I'm trying to imitate the pedantic imperial style, so I apologies for every mistake, I did my best. Enjoy, if the text deserves it

 

 

 

 

 

The Headsman Guard

 

"No foes. Only prey".

 

 

Staring at the abyss for thousands of years, the Headsman Guard forged itself in isolation, protecting the Imperium from the things that dwell in the Ghoul Stars, a region that challenges the sanity of men. Since the mythical days of the Harbinger, the Headsmen have lived in the margins of History, performing their duty to Emperor and Primarch as envoys of their lineage to the darkest deeps. Following the visions of the Silversmiths, they keep the ever shrinking hope that their efforts will not be in vain, when Jaghatai returns to bring vitality to a dying humanity.

 

 

 

Founding chapter: Storm Lords (White Scars).

 

Founding: 3^rd founding (M32).

 

Known descendants: None.

 

Chapter Symbol: Axe and crossed lightning bolts.

 

Colors: Grey, black and bone white.

 

Homeworld: Germinal – Sundered Belt.

 

Recruitment World: Khumran IV - Ultima Segmentum.

  

Battle Cry: Several bellicose extracts from the Pact of Khumran.

 

 

 

History:

 

 

  “The Void is ours. Its emptiness. Its madness. We own it. For Man, we deny it to the Beast. Flay the Beast! Cull the vermin! We are the Khan’s Headsmen, emissaries of our fathers’ wrath. There will be no reward for the worthy until he returns and Humanity is unleashed anew. For the Emperor! For the Khan! – Last lines from the Pact of Khumran.

 

 

     Following the Horus Heresy, the damage that was done to the Imperium was slowly repaired and its military forces reformed. Among the 3^rd founding chapters created for that purpose, was the Headsman Guard. A fleet based chapter, destined to be at the forefront of imperial expeditions, its infrastructure following conquests as they were achieved. As a symbol of the reigning optimism and the value placed on their descendants, the Storm Lords offered one battle-brother to lead their successors and ensure continuity among the sons of Jaghatai. His name is recorded in the chapter’s chronicles as Pkharmat, Harbinger of the Storm.

 

     Details about their first actions have been lost among their chronicles’ metaphors. What they do tell is that Pkharmat led the chapter from the front, teaching his new brothers to bleed the galaxy when it refused to submit to them. The Harbinger was a commander and venerable father who build a chapter to his image, ingraining in them a dynamic, vital warfare, and the knowledge that the Primarch would soon return to lead his sons again. For almost 400 years, the Guard liberated and purged worlds in close alliance with the Imperial Guard. They hunted and killed and roared their praises to Jaghatai, without knowing this era will one day be remembered as the last bright light before decrepitude settled in the domain of man.

      

     Battling with the remnants of the Heresy ever deeper into the reaches of the galactic northeast, the expedition found the Khumran system, where two worlds teemed with unwelcomed life. Lost to Horus Lupercal during the Heresy, the system was still ruled by traitors, fanatically loyal to the memory of the Warmaster. Despite its best efforts and its Dark Mechanicum allies, the petty kingdom of Khumran was shattered in what became Pkharmat’s most vaunted victory. After the corrupt adepts were properly excruciated, the Mechanicum reclaimed Khumran III. Khumran IV was stripped clean of traitorous life and offered to veteran imperial regiments as a reward for decades of service. By 544.M32, the Headsmen were resupplying, preparing for the next objective in sight: the remote portion of galaxy known as the Ghoul Stars, a desolate region of space lit by the cold rays of dying suns.

 

     That next push would never come.

 

     In 544.M32, a mysterious ork warlord known as the Beast united much of the Ork race. His Waaagh!, the largest the Galaxy had ever seen, rampaged across entire sectors, even laying siege to Terra. The Imperium only halted his advance at great cost and desperate measures, devastating the Adeptus Astartes in the process and revealing weakness behind appearances of solidity. Although the Headsman Guard never found itself in the main campaign theaters, the Beast plunged the entire galaxy into turmoil, and minor ork invasions followed wherever they could. Expansion plans were ruined, as Pkharmat was forced to turn back on his tracks to defend previously conquered systems from the green tide. There is no full record of those days but by the time the Beast was killed, the Headsmen had been reduced to half their numbers and their resupplying lines were shattered.

 

     This will be only the first in a long string of calamities. In 546.M32, Drakan Vangorich, Grand Master of Assassins, launched a coup against the High Lords of Terra, slaying them to a man in an event known as The Beheading. Afterwards, the Imperium, wracked with a colossal butcher’s bill, collapsed authorities, and rebellions, descended into anarchy. And in the galactic northeast, the Ghoul Stars suddenly stirred. Creatures of primal nightmares extended their shadow into imperial territory, as if inhuman minds had suddenly awakened, reacting to the weakness perceived beyond their borders.

 

     Cut off from the Imperium at large and with a Chapter in need of rebuilding, Pkharmat made the decision that would define the Guard for ages to come. He led the chapter back to Khumran IV, site of their greatest victory, and named himself Protector of Khumran, vowing that the Chapter would be reborn, or die defending its highest mark. The local tech-adepts and imperial commanders were eager to accept the protection Pkharmat offered them in exchange for resources and recruits. So the Pact of Khumran was signed and the wars of reclamation began.

 

     Battling the Ghoul Stars creatures for years, the Guard slowly rebuild its numbers and battle after battle pushed the xenos back into the darkness. Chasing them, the Headsmen entered the Sundered Belt, a series of desolated planets and asteroids marking the Imperium’s borders. There, they would claim their homeworld and several outposts.

 

     One hundred years after the Beheading, Pkharmat led his last hunt into the Ghoul Stars. Species and planets vanished beneath cyclonic torpedoes, and the Hunter’s Moon’s trophy room was filled with hides and exoskeletons. It seemed for a while conquest would begin anew. Then, the Harbinger was captured under mysterious circumstances by the vicious creatures known as Cythor Fiends, who for years had evaded every confrontation. Adding injury to the shame, the xenos proceed to torture the Harbinger for a full year, in a futile attempt to break him into submission. His transhuman nature kept him alive, healing every night the damage done to him every day. By the time the Headsmen broke into the creature’s lair, laying waste to everything they saw, the Chapter Master, now a shell of himself had broken free and was carving his way through xenos with his bare hands.

 

     The expedition returned to the Sundered Belt. Unable to keep the Harbinger alive, the captains and silversmiths decided for the first and only time to ask a particular favor from their Mechanicum allies. They asked for a dreadnaught. Pkharmat became the Forever Khan, eternal Vicar of the Primarch.

 

     The string of catastrophes started by the Beast, and the prolonged period of isolation facing the supernatural threats that would periodically crawl from the Ghoul Stars, brought gradual changes to the chapter, changes that would solidify after Pkharmat’s death. The chapter began to lose its ruthless joy and the optimism regarding the future of mankind. Now the thrill of the hunt coexists with a somber fatalism, and a superstitious need to find meaning among the randomness of the Universe. Under the increased influence of the silversmiths, the Guard now worships the days of conquest of the Forever Khan. Pkharmat has become an icon, awakened a reckless amount of times in the following millennia to provide guidance. As the Headsmen rejoice in the vision of their first Chapter Master laying waste to their enemies, they do not know the constant awakenings are irremediably damaging his sanity.

 

 

 

Homeworld:

 

 

"Brothers, you have not reached this place by chance. You have come to face the unthinking madness crawling through the Void, your domain. You have come to break it, to regain the strength the Emperor demands of you. His people are in need of light. But I shall only return to them to bring back Fire!" – Pkharmat.

 

 

     When the Headsmen set their eyes for the first time on an unassuming planetoid sluggishly circling a cold sun in the Sundered Belt, they thought nothing will come from that particular expedition. The moment they set foot on it, the planetoid reacted to their presence with unnatural catastrophes and creatures that no probe or auspex had detected crawling from every crevasse. They called it Germinal, an ancient terran word to signify rebirth and resurgence; a term meant to convey optimism, but that since those days has become a dark joke layered with irony.

 

     Germinal is a rock riddled with hatred for those who interrupted its lonely existence, a rock with freezing conditions, erratic volcanoes spewing ice or boiling ash into orbit, and unpredictable seasons of storms and earthquakes. Its only living creatures are the ice sphinxes, although the fact they are alive has never been proven with any certainty. Not even the marines know how to classify the grotesque megafauna, what they are made of, if they reproduce, or if they are even sentient. Rarely seen on the surface, when the sphinxes rise from their lairs it is to fight those who trespass, including each other. Since nothing resembling an ice sphinx has been reported anywhere else, it is believed that Germinal is their birthworld and that perhaps they are nothing more than the planet’s antibodies. To the Headsmen, there is nothing to study or understand. It was a place that defied mankind’s presence and therefore a place to be broken into submission. For years, Pkharmat waged war on Germinal for the purpose of building a fortress-monastery; an endeavor the planetoid resisted every step of the way, killing thousands of the Mechanicum teams that violated its original form.

 

     On the surface, a small bastion has been erected, a proclamation of intent, a challenge spit at the planetoid itself. Protected by void shields and massive gun emplacements, the real fortress-monastery is a subterranean labyrinth carved beneath the bastion. Build vast enough to accommodate the entire chapter, traditionally a single company keeps watch over it. Most is populated by servitors and entire linages of serfs tending to halls left in darkness for years or decades. Recruits train in subterranean fields of battle against each other and the many lifeforms brought for that purpose. From time to time, veteran hunters lead them to the surface, where they learn to stay alive, then to kill the sphinxes under their elders’ gaze. Silversmiths and apothecaries monitor them constantly, looking for signs of the madness that plagues an unusually high number of recruits, another weapon they say, used by Germinal against the invaders.

 

     The Charnel is the place where the Headsmen first set foot on Germinal, located in a deep valley battered by galls and blinding blizzard. If a traveler should find his way to the center of the valley, he would eventually see an ominous silhouette, like an island lost in the storm. Then he would stand in front of Jaghatai himself, his gaze piercing through the newcomer. A statue of grey stone has been erected to consecrate the breaking of Germinal to the Khan. Since those days, no sphinx has ever attacked the statue; no earthquake has ever caused a chink to the stone. This is where newly ascended recruits travel to bow before their father and ascend to the stars, and the travel itself is dangerous enough to be considered their last test. It is the domain of the Silversmiths, where they seek to pierce the veil between realities and understand the will of their father. It is where enemies are dragged to be offered to the Khan, abandoned at the feet of the statue among older bones and mummified carcasses. If one would explore the caves and walls of the valley, one would find the skeletons of former battle brothers dressed in ragged funeral shrouds, their empty sockets staring at the center of the valley, where their father stands.

 

 

 

Beliefs:

 

 

“A hunter does not hate his quarry. Find clarity in that knowledge. As long as there is prey, we will thrive through its extermination”. – Silversmith Garsevan.

 

 

     Like most Space Marine Chapters, the Headsman Guard does not see the Emperor as a god but rather as the greatest human who ever lived. He is a distant figure to the point of abstraction, a symbol of humanity’s potential. The Guard do not pray to him; Silversmiths teach that no one has the right to ask anything to the Emperor, because he has already given. Battle-brothers are taught to show gratitude through bloodshed, every enemy dispatched a way of thanking him for his sacrifice.

 

     Jaghatai Khan on the other side is omnipresent in the chapter’s rites of war. Like other Vth legion successors, they claim their Primarch disappeared in the aftermaths of the Horus Heresy, and they wait for his return. The Guard waits for him still, but centuries of isolation and, some fear, the effects of their hunting grounds on their minds, have twisted their original vision. To the increasingly bleak Guard, the Vth Primarch is an ominous judge who watches humanity from afar. The idea that the Khan could be killed or delayed is inconceivable, the Khan hasn’t returned because he does not wish to, and according to the Silversmiths, he may never do. Since the Heresy, humans have constantly proven their willingness to follow into the steps of those who ruined the Emperor’s dream; their weakness an insult to the Primarch. There is a growing fear, rarely voiced among the Headsmen, that as the 41^st millennium draws to a close and humanity suffers an onslaught like never before, the Khan may have already judged the Imperium to be unworthy of its founders’ sacrifice and therefore, unworthy of salvation.

 

     “No foes, only prey” is the central tenet of Pkharmat’s teachings: all enemies are beneath contempt, undeserving even of hatred. The Headsmen see themselves as cast in the role of the falconers of old Chogoris, charged with hunting dangerous game. To them, traitors, xenos and daemons are nothing but vermin to be culled when it encroaches on mankind’s domain. However, this cold outlook on their duty is constantly challenged by the natural ferocity shared by all scions of Jaghatai. All battle-brothers are expected to rein in their ferocity, but some take the lesson to its logical conclusion, striving to cast it away entirely. It can take a lifetime for a battle-brother to get rid of the hereditary savagery ingrained in his genes, but those who achieve it will make war with renewed focus and self-control. They will join the hunter assault squads, teams of like-minded brothers who will find joy in the thrill of the hunt, but none in the killing stroke.

 

     The Order of Silversmiths, those who harness the silver veins from heaven, is made of the spiritual guides of the chapter. Both chaplains and librarians, they join companies to provide a unifying vision to very independent captains. Among superstitious battle-brothers, the Silversmiths are universally honored, as they look for clues of their Khan’s will and for reasons to hope for his return. For all practical purpose, the Chapter has become a diarchy, with the Chief Silversmith sharing equal power and authority with the Chapter Master.

 

 

 

Gene-seed:

 

 

“Our genes make us feral. Our teachings demand temperance. Our hunting grounds fill us with bleakness. Many of your battle brothers will surrender to one of those and thrive. Not you. You will listen to each when necessary. That is the battle at the core of your duty, and it is eternal”. – Chapter Master Ashirvan, to captain Sandorf upon his ascension.

 

 

     Less than a tenth of all space marine chapters owe their origins to the White Scars, due to certain genetic instabilities that have prevented them from competing with more populous bloodlines. Like all sons of Jaghatai, the Headsmen have inherited a feral streak and a tendency for ferocious displays of violence. The teachings of Pkharmat were devised to harness this savagery through discipline. The more a battle-brother rejects this genetic heritage, the more likely he is to join the hunter squads.

 

     As centuries passed, certain kinds of degenerations became increasingly noticeable among new inductees. It is unknown if this defect was caused by the nature of the stock recruited on Khumran IV, or if it was already present at the time of their creation, but by space marine standards, the Headsmen look old and grey, as if the unending hunts had taken a toll on them before time. Starting after their first century of service, this accelerated physical change is considered with pride, like a second ascension into the chapter. Veterans and captains are known to forge open-faced helmets of archaic design in order to expose their grizzled features to the enemy.

 

 

 

Combat doctrine & organization:

 

 

“You are Hunters. If you still need my orders, your lives were wasted”. - Master Zaroff, to the Hunter Assault Squads.

 

 

     The Headsmen followed the tenets of the Codex Astartes until the days of isolation. Since then, they have slowly altered them as their circumstances changed. Every company is self-sufficient, each with its tactical, devastator, assault and scout squads, its tanks, speeders, and techmarines, and a personal strike cruiser, allowing them to hunt on their own for extended periods of time. The Guard’s preferred style of warfare is to overwhelm their enemies with massive ambushes, using their speed, aggression and firepower to break, isolate, and crush them at leisure before they can react. They have acquired a reputation for methodical patience, followed by brutally quick attacks intent to make short work of the enemy at the precise moment. In cases of prolonged warfare, they remain loyal to the Khan’s virtues of speed, outmaneuvering and seizing the initiative. Bikes, speeders, thunderhawks, and armored companies work in unison, with commanders leading from the top of tanks swarming with battle-brothers eager to get into striking distance.

 

     The most important exception is the role given to the Hunter Assault Squads. Equipped with modified armors and jump packs, the Hunters are the elite of each company, brothers who have cast their innate savagery away and make war with detached patience. They hunt down commanders and the most dangerous foes, harrying them to the place where the chapter will sprung the trap.

 

     The Master of the Hunt is the epitome of this mentality, and centuries can pass before choosing a new one. Once chosen, he will abandon his company and work outside the chapter’s hierarchy, chasing down the most elusive enemies with a few handpicked followers. When working alongside the chapter, he will lead all the hunters available and will be allowed to do as he pleases; a strategy that has prevented entire wars of attrition. As an embodiment of his chapter’s teachings, the Master of the Hunt looks at the Universe and everything in it with indifference, finding contentment only in the chase. Foes find their hubris sorely tested when they meet the eyes of the Master and see nothing but complete disinterest, for the hunt is now over. To these somber, impassive battle-brothers, they are nothing but meat, and some take that definition quite literally.

 

 

  

Khumran IV:

 

 

"We bring you light! Multiply and become a great tribe! Warm yourselves! Illuminate your homes and rejoice! For soon, you will march to war at our calling!” – From the Pact of Khumran.

 

 

     Located in a remote corner of Ultima Segmentum, the Khumran system is one of the last imperial outposts before the Ghoul Stars. Four planets orbit the star Khumran, of which two boast imperial presence, among them Khumran III, a forge world under the rule of the tech-priests of Mars.

 

     Khumran IV is a γ-class civilized world subclassed as a mining world, a place of mountains, ravines and gorges separated from each other by precious fertile valleys and inland seas, well protected by several moons heavily armed by the Mechanicum. Most khumrans work as miners and farmers for the amir commanders and magnates that form the planetary council. Their main purpose is to exploit the mines, fabrics and collective farms niched in the valleys, and periodically raise regiments from their most ruthless human and ogryn laborers to be sent to the Emperor’s wars.

 

     As one leaves the settlements, the land becomes increasingly cold, something not improved by the many predators and massive carrion birds large enough to pick up a human and drop it down a cliff to get access to his marrow. This does not mean the land is empty; mining expeditions constantly create pockets of civilization, looking for travel routes and resources to exploit. Well-armed expeditions, for the many “empty quarters” are the domain of mountain tribes. Descendants of criminals and workers fleeing service, they make a living by protecting expeditions in exchange for payment, and by attacking settlements when their neighbors are not forthcoming.

 

     Khumran IV lives in a state of endemic conflict, with tribes raiding enclaves and militias burning down their bastions in retaliation. No amir has ever attempted to put an end to this state of things, because it has been forbidden to them. Since the Days of Isolation, the Pact sealed by Khumran IV and the Headsman Guard included the right for those tribes to exist, to keep the future recruits strong, and so it has been ever since. Every time new imperial regiments are drafted, mountaineers walk into urban areas, carrying imperial icons proclaiming truce and common devotion, and enlist shoulder to shoulder with miners. And every time, the Guard picks its share of the youngest. Many lineages, tribes and settlements remember that at some point one of them was taken away by the Chapter, and entire regiments pray for a chance to fight side by side with the Headsmen, whom they see as their living ancestors.

 

     The Eyes and Ears are a select group of chapter serfs, singled out for their devotion, charged by the Silversmith with the duty of spreading the chapter’s creed. Silversmiths and their Eyes and Ears roam the planet, preaching the wisdom of the Primarch. Far from ending conflict, they ensure it will never stop, in an attempt to recreate what Chogoris was in the days of Jaghatai. The Khan is worshipped almost as much as the Emperor; and the khumrans have adopted Guard ceremonies like ritual sacrifice of quarry, prayer trough collective ecstatic song, and other idiosyncrasies. This position puts the Chapter at odds with the imperial clergy, who consider they infringe on their prerogatives, but usually they all turn a blind eye to each other as long as orthodoxy his not challenged.

Edited March 17, 2018 by Lord Thørn
Formatting

[Zhiv]

Firstly, good job tying the history of the chapter with the canon history without actually writing your chapter taking part into well documented historical events.

 

It was a long read so I might have missed something, but few questions do pop up. 

 

What is the relation between asteroid Oblivion and Khumran system. It sounds like the chapter makes home in the former but recruits from the latter.  How this came to be?  How far away these two are from each other?

 

Also withing the known canon, the worlds that provide for space marines are exempt from Imperial Levy (and thus not required to raise Imperial Guard regiments). Many still do, to show their dedication to the Throne.

 

 

 

 Every time new regiments are drafted, mountaineers walk into urban areas, carrying imperial icons proclaiming truce and common devotion, and enlist shoulder to shoulder with miners. And every time, the Brotherhood picks its share.

This bit is potentially problematic. This sounds like the chapter picked its recruits from the people enlisted to the Imperial Guard.However, marines are recruited at young age starting from 10 with 15 being 'borderline too old' to be transformed as a marine. This means that unless the population is enlisted at REALLY young age, mountaineers and miners would likely be too old to become marines. (Assuming no child labor)

[Draakur]

This is eeeerily similar to a lot of the concepts I'm applying to my own Chapter currently! :s Reverence and status of psykers, the level of Khan worship and mimicking, morose attitude and disposition, and more. It's uncanny!

 

Gotta say, especially given that English isn't your primary language, this is very well-written. You slip up on a few basic language concepts here and there, but that aside, many native English speakers don't write this well, so seriously, bravo :)

 

Actual writing style aside, content-wise I loved it too :) Truly beautiful work for so many reasons, and truly, I'm more than a little jealous, as I don't feel my IA is going to come out nearly as well. I could go on for ages but I'll point out a few things I noticed and make critiques and leave it at that for now:

 

- Both the Ice Sphinxes and the Charnel passages evoke awesome imagery and a real sense of mystique. Such cool concepts and leaves me wanting to know more

 

- I very much like the early history elements, but it sort of starts to read as a 'history of the Imperium' section after awhile and doesn't necessarily feel relevant to the Chapter and the IA at many points. Could just be me here though

 

- I feel like the dichotomy between them revelling in and encouraging savagery and ferocity, but also seeing it as something to be quelled by discipline, is not explored/explained well enough

 

- how are they forming helmets, which would typically cover and protect the face, to "expose" their grizzled visages?

 

- I feel like the name could be stronger. Though this is always a subjective matter of course

 

+edit+

Just to be clear, I just noticed my first paragraph almost looks like an accusation of sorts - truly not at all my intention, I just find it really bizarre how similarly peoples minds can run along the same tracks sometimes is all.

Edited March 19, 2017 by Draakur

[Ashur]

 

 

 

 Every time new regiments are drafted, mountaineers walk into urban areas, carrying imperial icons proclaiming truce and common devotion, and enlist shoulder to shoulder with miners. And every time, the Brotherhood picks its share.

This bit is potentially problematic. This sounds like the chapter picked its recruits from the people enlisted to the Imperial Guard.However, marines are recruited at young age starting from 10 with 15 being 'borderline too old' to be transformed as a marine. This means that unless the population is enlisted at REALLY young age, mountaineers and miners would likely be too old to become marines. (Assuming no child labor)

 

Thank you so much. Based on your comments, I will try to make the text more clear. 

 

You are perfectly right. I completely forgot the age limit for marines. So, chapter recruits come from another kind of draft, or perhaps khumrans have no problem with child soldiers. That last option do sound like something the Imperium would do, so I think that's what I'm going with.

 

Thanks again! It actually fit quite nicely with the vibe I had for their recruitment world.

[Ashur]

This is eeeerily similar to a lot of the concepts I'm applying to my own Chapter currently! :s Reverence and status of psykers, the level of Khan worship and mimicking, morose attitude and disposition, and more. It's uncanny!

 

Gotta say, especially given that English isn't your primary language, this is very well-written. You slip up on a few basic language concepts here and there, but that aside, many native English speakers don't write this well, so seriously, bravo

 

Actual writing style aside, content-wise I loved it too Truly beautiful work for so many reasons, and truly, I'm more than a little jealous, as I don't feel my IA is going to come out nearly as well. I could go on for ages but I'll point out a few things I noticed and make critiques and leave it at that for now:

 

- Both the Ice Sphinxes and the Charnel passages evoke awesome imagery and a real sense of mystique. Such cool concepts and leaves me wanting to know more

 

- I very much like the early history elements, but it sort of starts to read as a 'history of the Imperium' section after awhile and doesn't necessarily feel relevant to the Chapter and the IA at many points. Could just be me here though

 

- I feel like the dichotomy between them revelling in and encouraging savagery and ferocity, but also seeing it as something to be quelled by discipline, is not explored/explained well enough

 

- how are they forming helmets, which would typically cover and protect the face, to "expose" their grizzled visages?

 

- I feel like the name could be stronger. Though this is always a subjective matter of course

 

+edit+

Just to be clear, I just noticed my first paragraph almost looks like an accusation of sorts - truly not at all my intention, I just find it really bizarre how similarly peoples minds can run along the same tracks sometimes is all.

 

No need to clarify anything my friend. I did not read it as an acusation.  Can we read your fluff on this site? I really would like to.

 

Thanks for mentioning the sphinxes and the creepy imagery. That's what I was going for, and I was afraid of not translating it well into words. To be honest, I found a lot of inspiration in Edgar Alan Poe (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Narrative_of_Arthur_Gordon_Pym_of_Nantucket) and Jules Verne (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/An_Antarctic_Mystery), and wondering what would it do to your mind to live in the places they describe.

 

One question: are you basing your chapter's fluff on some human culture? And how did you choose it? In my case, when I had to chose a general "cultural style" for them, I decided to mix two unrelated themes and then see what would come out of it. I choose cultures of the Caucasus, and XIXth century literature. Thats why certain names are mixed with certain references.

 

I see several ideas are not as clear as I thought. I will start working on some corrections. I'm also working on a chronology all the way to M41.

 

Thanks for your comments!

Edited March 20, 2017 by Ashur

[Daimyo-Phaeron Lenoch]

I have a question: what are the Amir? Are they captain-equivalents, chaplain-equivalents, or are they something else entirely? From the following one can infer they are powerful yet still subservient to another power.

 

 

   Khumran IV lives in a state of endemic conflict, with tribes raiding enclaves and militias retaliating by burning down their bastions. No amir has ever attempted to put an end to this state of things, because it has been forbidden to them.

 

 

Also, for a non-native English speaker you appear to have better grammar, spelling, etc than several native English speakers. Keep that bit up!

[Badass_Spaz]

Ashur, you filthy heart-string tugging barbarian, I demand you relinquish my feels... Cause that background was beautiful.

You know that one guy who gets so into a movie/book/show that when a particular character dies they crumble to their knee's and shout to the heavens; that was me. When I read what become of Phrakmat I shouted (My neighbors can vouche) PHRAKMAAAAAAAAT!

That's 40K in a hand basket. You got this benevolent Chapter Master who transcends all others... And lose him. But wait, losing him isn't an option. Those Astarte's who cling to an age long forgotten, awaken him again and again. His sanity is mutilated because they can't let go of their heritage, but most importantly; him.

Excuse me, I got shot in the eye with a las-bolt and it's been tearing up.

 

[Ashur]

I have a question: what are the Amir? Are they captain-equivalents, chaplain-equivalents, or are they something else entirely? From the following one can infer they are powerful yet still subservient to another power.

 

 

   Khumran IV lives in a state of endemic conflict, with tribes raiding enclaves and militias retaliating by burning down their bastions. No amir has ever attempted to put an end to this state of things, because it has been forbidden to them.

 

 

Also, for a non-native English speaker you appear to have better grammar, spelling, etc than several native English speakers. Keep that bit up!

 

Amirs are the commanders for the khumran mortal regiments. I see now I never really explianed that. I will correct it.

 

Thanks for your comments!

[Ashur]

Ashur, you filthy heart-string tugging barbarian, I demand you relinquish my feels... Cause that background was beautiful.

 

You know that one guy who gets so into a movie/book/show that when a particular character dies they crumble to their knee's and shout to the heavens; that was me. When I read what become of Phrakmat I shouted (My neighbors can vouche) PHRAKMAAAAAAAAT!

 

That's 40K in a hand basket. You got this benevolent Chapter Master who transcends all others... And lose him. But wait, losing him isn't an option. Those Astarte's who cling to an age long forgotten, awaken him again and again. His sanity is mutilated because they can't let go of their heritage, but most importantly; him.

 

Excuse me, I got shot in the eye with a las-bolt and it's been tearing up.

 

 

 

Sir, that was most kind.     

 

The story of Pkharmat was the base for all the rest. Pkharmat is actually the name for a chechen mythological figure, their version of Prometheus. He stole fire from the gods, gave it to the mortals, and was punished with unending torture. Their stories are almost exactly the same, except Pkharmat was never forgiven and his torment never ended. I wanted that figure in my Chapter somehow.

 

Thanks again! 

Edited March 20, 2017 by Ashur

[Draakur]

 

This is eeeerily similar to a lot of the concepts I'm applying to my own Chapter currently! :s Reverence and status of psykers, the level of Khan worship and mimicking, morose attitude and disposition, and more. It's uncanny!

Gotta say, especially given that English isn't your primary language, this is very well-written. You slip up on a few basic language concepts here and there, but that aside, many native English speakers don't write this well, so seriously, bravo :)

Actual writing style aside, content-wise I loved it too :) Truly beautiful work for so many reasons, and truly, I'm more than a little jealous, as I don't feel my IA is going to come out nearly as well. I could go on for ages but I'll point out a few things I noticed and make critiques and leave it at that for now:

- Both the Ice Sphinxes and the Charnel passages evoke awesome imagery and a real sense of mystique. Such cool concepts and leaves me wanting to know more

- I very much like the early history elements, but it sort of starts to read as a 'history of the Imperium' section after awhile and doesn't necessarily feel relevant to the Chapter and the IA at many points. Could just be me here though

- I feel like the dichotomy between them revelling in and encouraging savagery and ferocity, but also seeing it as something to be quelled by discipline, is not explored/explained well enough

- how are they forming helmets, which would typically cover and protect the face, to "expose" their grizzled visages?

- I feel like the name could be stronger. Though this is always a subjective matter of course

+edit+

Just to be clear, I just noticed my first paragraph almost looks like an accusation of sorts - truly not at all my intention, I just find it really bizarre how similarly peoples minds can run along the same tracks sometimes is all.

 

No need to clarify anything my friend. I did not read it as an acusation. ;) Can we read your fluff on this site? I really would like to.

 

Thanks for mentioning the sphinxes and the creepy imagery. That's what I was going for, and I was afraid of not translating it well into words. To be honest, I found a lot of inspiration in Edgar Alan Poe (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Narrative_of_Arthur_Gordon_Pym_of_Nantucket) and Jules Verne (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/An_Antarctic_Mystery), and wondering what would it do to your mind to live in the places they describe.

 

One question: are you basing your chapter's fluff on some human culture? And how did you choose it? In my case, when I had to chose a general "cultural style" for them, I decided to mix two unrelated themes and then see what would come out of it. I choose cultures of the Caucasus, and XIXth century literature. Thats why certain names are mixed with certain references.

 

I see several ideas are not as clear as I thought. I will start working on some corrections. I'm also working on a chronology all the way to M41.

 

Thanks for your comments!

Glad to hear :tu:

 

My still very WIP Chapter has been pushed over onto the second page now, but you can read about them here: http://www.bolterandchainsword.com/topic/330634-the-stormkin-or-my-not-the-destroyers/. I'm still working on the IA now, decent chunks of time are hard to come by lately so I do everything in tiny bursts or when I get an idea or inspiration I quickly jot it down to be included later, but it's choppy - I don't have them nearly as fleshed out as your Chapter yet.

 

I've come across the Caucasus in my readings - interesting folk and a fine choice, I feel. And yes, you did a great job of injecting the mystery of those writers into your concepts.

 

As you'll read in the thread, I ended up choosing a Cossack cultural base - I started with the original Scars' Mongolian theme but didn't want to be exactly the same, and also wanted some of the feel of the Thenns from Game of Thrones. I traced Mongolian history back until I found a people/time period I felt suited and landed on the Cossacks (and a few other similar groups), so have ended up with a theme about 30% Nordic, 70% Slavic :)

Edited March 21, 2017 by Draakur

[Ashur]

 

Glad to hear

 

My still very WIP Chapter has been pushed over onto the second page now, but you can read about them here: http://www.bolterandchainsword.com/topic/330634-the-stormkin-or-my-not-the-destroyers/. I'm still working on the IA now, decent chunks of time are hard to come by lately so I do everything in tiny bursts or when I get an idea or inspiration I quickly jot it down to be included later, but it's choppy - I don't have them nearly as fleshed out as your Chapter yet.

 

I've come across the Caucasus in my readings - interesting folk and a fine choice, I feel. And yes, you did a great job of injecting the mystery of those writers into your concepts.

 

As you'll read in the thread, I ended up choosing a Cossack cultural base - I started with the original Scars' Mongolian theme but didn't want to be exactly the same, and also wanted some of the feel of the Thenns from Game of Thrones. I traced Mongolian history back until I found a people/time period I felt suited and landed on the Cossacks (and a few other similar groups), so have ended up with a theme about 30% Nordic, 70% Slavic

 

 

Cannibal cossacks eh? You know, our chapters do sound really similar. Maybe they are offshots of each other. 

 

Not only do I like what you are doing, but I think you are going in the right direction. Pick two or three general concepts, even if they have little in commun with each other, and play with them. Find the parts that mix better and use them. The result will be more original and will give a unique feeling to the chapter. Start thinking in general events from their history and see how they would react based on what you already have.

 

Damn it, now you are making me doubt! The name of my chapter perhaps could carry more punch. Perhaps their current name is just the working title, until I see if I can come up with something better.

Also, I still lack a symbol for them. Something else to think about.

 

Thanks again and good luck with yours.

[Draakur]

 

Glad to hear :tu:

My still very WIP Chapter has been pushed over onto the second page now, but you can read about them here: http://www.bolterandchainsword.com/topic/330634-the-stormkin-or-my-not-the-destroyers/. I'm still working on the IA now, decent chunks of time are hard to come by lately so I do everything in tiny bursts or when I get an idea or inspiration I quickly jot it down to be included later, but it's choppy - I don't have them nearly as fleshed out as your Chapter yet.

I've come across the Caucasus in my readings - interesting folk and a fine choice, I feel. And yes, you did a great job of injecting the mystery of those writers into your concepts.

As you'll read in the thread, I ended up choosing a Cossack cultural base - I started with the original Scars' Mongolian theme but didn't want to be exactly the same, and also wanted some of the feel of the Thenns from Game of Thrones. I traced Mongolian history back until I found a people/time period I felt suited and landed on the Cossacks (and a few other similar groups), so have ended up with a theme about 30% Nordic, 70% Slavic :)

 

 

Cannibal cossacks eh? You know, our chapters do sound really similar. Maybe they are offshots of each other.;) 

 

Not only do I like what you are doing, but I think you are going in the right direction. Pick two or three general concepts, even if they have little in commun with each other, and play with them. Find the parts that mix better and use them. The result will be more original and will give a unique feeling to the chapter. Start thinking in general events from their history and see how they would react based on what you already have.

 

Damn it, now you are making me doubt! The name of my chapter perhaps could carry more punch. Perhaps their current name is just the working title, until I see if I can come up with something better.

Also, I still lack a symbol for them. Something else to think about.

 

Thanks again and good luck with yours.

Thanks for taking the time to read, brother :) And given how much I like your Chapter, I'm stoked you like mine! Shows of appreciation like that go a long way and really boost the confidence, so thanks :) Hah that makes me want to get cracking again!

 

I wouldn't stress too hard about the name - I don't see it and immediately think it sucks and needs replacing, or anything like that. Its descriptive of your guys if nothing else - a Brotherhood of the Void, and I quite like the simplicity of that actually. It's more just that it feels slightly clunky in a way, the two words don't fit together just right or something and so it doesn't roll off the tongue as smoothly as I like a Chapter name to. Something to think about if you like, but by no means a big deal at this stage.

 

And yes, a symbol is always tricky, such a defining characteristic. Are you leaning any one way yet?

[Ashur]

UPDATE:

 

MODIFIED TEXT, AND MORE IMPORTANTLY, NEW CHAPTER NAME.

 

Could anyone tell me how to change the name of this topic? Thanks.

 

Comments as always are most welcome.

Edited March 6, 2018 by Ashur

[Minigiant]

UPDATE:

 

MODIFIED TEXT, AND MORE IMPORTANTLY, NEW CHAPTER NAME.

 

Could anyone tell me how to change the name of this topic? Thanks.

 

Comments as always are most welcome.

You can change the topic name in advanced edit. Very easy. When you are there if you can change the text colour back to default that would be grand. Then people on mobile devices can read it aswell

[Bjorn Firewalker]

Not bad. I'd like details on how being a Dreadnought has damaged Pkharmat's sanity, though. Does he view current enemies as the Cythor Fiends and others he faced in the past, like a Blood Angels Death Company Dreadnought? Did the Headsman Guard ever have "friendly fire" incidents where Pkharmat attacked them and/or allies for this reason?

[Ashur]

 

UPDATE:

 

MODIFIED TEXT, AND MORE IMPORTANTLY, NEW CHAPTER NAME.

 

Could anyone tell me how to change the name of this topic? Thanks.

 

Comments as always are most welcome.

You can change the topic name in advanced edit. Very easy. When you are there if you can change the text colour back to default that would be grand. Then people on mobile devices can read it aswell

 

 

Thanks. Done and done.

Not bad. I'd like details on how being a Dreadnought has damaged Pkharmat's sanity, though. Does he view current enemies as the Cythor Fiends and others he faced in the past, like a Blood Angels Death Company Dreadnought? Did the Headsman Guard ever have "friendly fire" incidents where Pkharmat attacked them and/or allies for this reason?

 

Thanks.

 

I will alude to Pkharmat's madness in the timeline I'm working on.

Edited March 6, 2018 by Ashur