Would love some feedback on my homebrew chapter!

[Adeptus]

Founded on a feudal world, the Contemptors adopted the military traditions and institutions familiar to them, with the internal organisation and battlefield roles of their chapter mirroring the militant knightly orders and hierarchical structures of their planetary culture. The planet is allowed to run itself, authority being delegated to the local layer of government who are given a great deal of autonomy and allowed to keep much of the planets resources for themselves. In return, they provide much of the materiel the Contemptors need to make war. That which is not provided by the Mechanicum is provided by the vassals of the Contemptors, including recruits, servants, food and drink, mineral resources, workmen, artisans, and tithes. The provenance of their geneseed is unknown, lost to the ravages of time.

 

Lacking this knowledge, they hold their first chapter master, Amfortas, as a revered figure. He never spoke of his parent Chapter or his history, and was responsible for guiding the Contemptors during the early days of their existence, leading the Contemptors for more than a century after their founding in M34. Amfortas was a skilled leader as well as a consummate warrior and tactician, and he wrote many journals and missives which are revered as Chapter relics and have often provided guidance to later Chapter Masters. Amfortas is usually depicted as an angelic warrior, hooded and robed, and features in much of the chapters art and iconography. While his name is little known outside the Chapter, to the Contemptors Amfortas is second only to the Primarchs and the Emperor himself. Amfortas is believed to be responsible for naming the chapter and for the creation of their iconography, the chapter emblem being a winged sword. The wings are said to represent their role within the Imperium, being an adaptation of the Imperial Aquila and representing their role as the Emperor’s Angels of War, while the sword denotes their purpose in life: the slaying of the foes of the Emperor.

 

If the Inquisition are aware of the true provenance of the Contemptors, then it is a secret they have not shared, and given the close nature of their relationship there may be pertinent reasons for withholding that information.

 

The chaplains of the chapter are renowned for their bellicosity and fervour, no doubt as a result of the Caernarian Mutiny, although this is an event never spoken of to outsiders.

 

Initiates to the chapter form the scout squads, and are known as Squires. Their role on the battlefield is to support the heavier, more specialised elements of the Chapter and to utilise light infantry infiltration tactics. When not in combat they are required to serve the Marines from the other brotherhoods in the chapter, cleaning and performing basic maintenance on their armour and weapons, serving them at feast times and performing chores in the chapter stronghold.

 

Their tactical squads are drawn from the Castellan brotherhoods. These doughty warriors are highly flexible, able to fight in close combat or at range, in either a defensive or offensive role, or utilising a range of deployment options. The majority of the Astartes in the Contemptors are to be found in the Castellan brotherhoods, and all the warriors of the chapter will serve in this brotherhood at some point.

 

Contemptors who favour close ranged engagements, either short range fire fights or hand to hand combat form the Brotherhood of Knights Errant. From this brotherhood are drawn Assault Squads and bike squads. These warriors are renowned for their reckless nature, and warriors seeking redemption will often request a position within the Knights Errant.

 

Marines who favour ranged combat form the Seneschal Brotherhoods, from whom are drawn vehicle crews and devastator squads.

 

The veterans of the Chapter seek arms and armour as suits their temperament. They variously form the Sternguard and Vanguard units, or fight in Tactical Dreadnought armour, or from the backs of bikes. They are known collectively as the Knights Exemplar.

 

While the twelve High Lords of Terra nominally run the Imperium, there is one organization which is exempt from their control and oversight: The Inquisition.

 

The Inquisition itself is a vast collective of smaller organizations, each with a specific focus. They are tasked with investigation any and all foes of the Imperium, threats from both inside and out. Every organization and every prominent individual in the Imperium is watched, their actions weighed and measured, and any necessary action taken to protect the Imperium.

 

Millennia ago, the Contemptors suffered a schism. The master of their chapter was Andraste. A prominent warrior, he was popular and generous, revered by the Astartes under his command during his time as a company captain. However, he lacked the ruthless political cunning required to control a chapter of Astartes and to steer them through the partisan machinations of the Imperium.

 

Under his leadership, dissent and dissatisfaction was allowed to flourish. Actions that should have been disciplined were ignored, and individuals that should have been censured went unpunished, while promotions and punishments were handed out seemingly at random, rather than on merit. Oftentimes Andraste was unable or unwilling to insist upon the treatment from other Imperial organisations that the Contemptors deserved as a revered and venerable chapter of Astartes, and as a result they were often snubbed by other organisations. Requests for resupply from the Adeptus Mechanicus were given low priority, their Company Captains were placed in subordinate positions to marines of other chapters, even to the mortals of the Astra Militarum. Positions of honour or chances to gain glory were always taken by other chapters. Their battlefield losses were exaggerated by their rivals and peers, their victories diminished and dismissed. The situation became increasingly difficult to bear, the chapter suffering insult after insult and their internal politics becoming more and more dysfunctional. Even the most stalwart of the chapters veterans began to find the situation untenable and the talk amongst the more disagreeable elements of the chapter became openly hostile.

 

Dissent eventually erupted into mutiny.

 

Their fortunes dwindling, a contingent of Contemptors led by a captain Caernar found themselves guarding an agri-world. They had been attached an Imperial crusade, its name and purpose now long forgotten, but instead of taking the rightful place of any Astartes chapter, in the van of the convoy and taking the most difficult missions, they found themselves relegated to guard duty. Their fortunes and their reputation had sunk so low that this was all they were deemed capable of. The insult did not go unnoticed by Caernar. Left to defend an agri-world in a backwater sub-sector while the rest of the crusade fleet moved on. Months wore into years, and the Contemptors found their supplies running low. Bolter rounds expended in training needed to be replaced, food and water to be replenished, and stores in general resupplied. But the crusade refused, insisting the Contemptors resupply themselves from their homeworld. Traditionally, crusade fleets supplied their component parts from local sources, but the crusade command insisted that all supplies were needed to support the fighting elements of the fleet, and none could be spared to support a backwater garrison element. Already simmering because of the dishonour heaped on their chapter, Caernar relocated his forces to a sector staging station. There, he and his honour guard landed and in person he demanded supplies for his battle brothers. The Munitorum lackeys made him wait for a week while they sought authorization from sector command, who in turn re-routed the request through the crusade command.

 

The answer was no. Supplies would need to be provided from the Chapter homeworld, half a galaxy away.

 

When the Munitorum authorities delivered this message to Caernar, he strode directly to the Munitorum warehouse and instructed supplies to be loaded onto his landing craft.

 

No one knows who fired the first shot. Whether Contemptors or the local Astra Militarum garrison, there are none now living who were there. What is known is that the simmering rage buried within the Contemptors for so long was let loose, and the carnage at the Munitorum depot was considerable. The fight spilled into the void, with the Contemptors warships engaging with the systems naval patrols before the Contemptors were able to disengage. Word of the incident spread to both Chapter Master Andraste and to the crusade command. It was Andraste that reacted first, recalling Captain Caernar and his men. Andraste ordered Caernar to repent, to subject himself to the Inquisition and to the crusade command for punishment. Caernar refused.

 

While he regretted the shedding of Imperial blood, he insisted it was the Munitorum who were at fault, not he. He openly defied his Chapter Master and many of the Contemptors who were tired of their poor fortunes and Andraste’s leadership began to offer their sympathy and support to Caernar.

 

Seeing a mutiny flower in front of him, Andraste did the only thing he thought he could. He ordered Caernar’s execution. After a short and bloody battle fought in the halls of the Chapter’s flagship, Caernar and his most loyal supporters were slain. When communication eventually came from the rest of the crusade, it wasn’t the Astra Militarum generals or the Imperial Navy admirals asking for explanations.

 

It was the Inquisition.

 

The Inquisition take stories of internal bloodshed and strife very seriously, and the idea of a chapter of Astartes turning rogue and slaughtering their fellow Imperials carried terrifying echoes of the Great Heresy.

 

The shadowy agents of the Inquisition descended on the Contemptors. Their senior leadership was sequestered, psychic mindworms used to forcibly extract information from all their memories. Every member of the chapter was scrutinized, all their actions weighed and measured for treachery, heresy and mutiny.

 

The process took months. Many in the chapter vocalized their displeasure at having the mortals of the Inquisition so closely examining them. Those individuals often disappeared. None of the senior leadership, none of the company captains, the leaders of the librarium, Andraste himself, or even the leaders of the chapter serfs, were ever seen again. The Inquisition’s purge was extensive and thorough.

 

Finally, a Lord Inquisitor summoned the entire chapter, nearly one thousand battle brothers, and he addressed them all.

 

He told them that their chapter had been unfairly spurned, that it had been burdened by poor leadership, afflicted with bad luck and that the proud warriors of the Contemptors deserved better than they had been given. He re-lit the fires of pride in their hearts, directed their ire towards Andraste and the leadership that had failed them, and re-built the bonds of brotherhood that had been broken.

 

However, he continued, the act of mutiny committed by few and supported, however tacitly, by many could not go unpunished. The actions of one Contemptor were the actions of all, and just as glory won by a single battle brother was shared by all the chapter, so was dishonour.

 

The Inquisition set the Contemptors a penance, both for the incident at the Munitorum depot and for their lack of solidarity. As a broken brotherhood they could not serve the Emperor he told them, and to his fellow Inquisitors he said that a broken brotherhood could even become the enemy of the Imperium.

 

Their penance was to serve, as a single cohesive force, on a crusade of penance, for three generations. They were to do this free from the support of other Imperial agencies, to force them to rely solely upon one another to re-forge the bonds of brotherhood. New company captains were promoted from the ranks of the sergeants, and they were forbidden from electing a chapter master until their penance was served. Thus, all decisions were made by the ten company captains, as a united brotherhood. The final part of their penance was sworn service to the agents of the Inquisition, for any reason at any time.

 

The service owed to the Inquisition by the Contemptors is an ancient treaty, millennia old now, and known only to a handful of operatives in the Ordos, and of course to the Contemptors themselves. In the service of the Inquisition the Contemptors have been called on to fight in a staggering array of locations against a rogues gallery of foes. They have stood shoulder to shoulder with the Deathwatch, fought Daemons alongside the Grey Knights (and been mindwiped afterwards) and taken the field with a host of bizarre Inquisitorial warbands, from Crusaders familiar to the Contemptors who hail from a Feudal homeworld, to bands of death cult Assassins or other, even more esoteric warriors.

 

Having once strayed from the path of the just, the Contemptors became ever vigilant, hyper aware of the morale and élan of their brothers. Their chaplains are known for their vehemence and zeal, and rarely does a battlegroup of Contemptors take the field without a chaplain to see to their spiritual exactitude. Their faith now is unquestioning, their minds closed to thoughts sedition or recalcitrance. Their obedience to the Inquisition is absolute, the lessons of the past etched indelibly on the Chapters collective memory.

[Schlitzaf]

Adeptus, may I suggest some formatting clean up? It's kinda hard to read. If you want an example the Castigators by Commissarr Molotov, has a good example of how to format. I like to think mine is well formatted too. But due to being a BT Crusade I have some notable differences than a regular IA has.

---------

Name and Motto: Contemptors

Chapter Homeworld: Unnamed Feudal World, could expand to include the local system

Gene-Seed: ???

Origins/Why Founded. Can serve as introduction to History

----------

History

Section 1

(Words)

Section 2

(Words)

Etc

----------

Chapter Organization

Ranks and Names of Equivalent to C:SM

Initiate/Training Process

----------

Key Individuals

Please Name your Inquistor

The first chapter master

Etc

-------

Would simply make it easier to read

[Adeptus]

Thanks for the feedback. I didn't set out to create an Index Astartes sort of file, I was just putting words on the page to get my own thoughts straight with regards to the character of my chapter and to explain why they're always fighting alongside my Inquisition, Grey Knights and Deathwatch forces. I'll have a play around with it and try and codify it a bit.

 

What did you think overall, though? Did it sound a bit too contrived or out-of-universe, or does it sound relatively plausible?

[Schlitzaf]

Honestly without some better formatting it's kinda hard to read/give good feedback, I'll try later tonight

[Mileposter]

Reading through, I like the overall tone of the Chapter given. I think this has a strong and healthy use of the Penitence Crusade Judgement, and an actual intelligent use of the Inquisition. I came across the following thoughts:

 

Similarities - I noted several similarities to other forces in Warhammer, largely in the naming scheme you've gone with. 'Contemptor' is a word that's used on a few other high-profile items like the Contemptor Dreadnought. Knights Errant is an Imperial Knight type, as well as an often overused label elsewise. The winged sword is also the Chapter symbol of the Dark Angels. The Dark Angels also make use of the Robed and Hooded Angel figure in their iconography as well. There were one or two others, but I can't seem to re-find them.

 

Any one or two of these is no issue at all. The similarities to other chapters can even help fuel the contemplation of who their gene-sire is. All of them together, though, really jarred me. That they're mostly names should make it an easy fix, but that's what jumped out at me.

 

Random thought, on the storytelling side of things - I recommend not telling the details of how the Inquisition went about interrogating or otherwise investigating the Chapter. The Inquisition is a thing of shadow and mystery, and rightfully feared for it. Helps them keep that character in your history if what they do is... Well.. Mysterious!

 

Just my two cents! It's otherwise a nifty idea, and I look forward to what you flesh them out into.

[Olis]

The provenance of their geneseed is unknown, lost to the ravages of time.

 

The brief critique I will offer is about this part. Unknown Gene-seed. I would suggest either deciding, in your own time, which direction to jump and pick a gene-seed or to come up with something that adequately explains why the Chapter does not know who they descend from. Simply saying they don't know is considered lazy work, brother, no offence intended. 

[Beta galactosidase]

I think this is very well conceived and it's nice to read.

 

The only thing I have to say about the actual content is that it isn't obvious that the crusade is now over. It's not really well placed in time. I have some sense that there was a long period before the mutiny, and it does sort of say that the crusade Jan is over, but while I'm reading about the mutiny, it isn't obvious how retrospective or removed those events are supposed to be from the present state of the chapter. So just some better language before, during, and after: "is still felt," "would go on to," "was to come," etc.

 

Then some style stuff. The part where Caernar strides into the warehouse and orders things loaded into his ship should be replaced. "Incensed, he ordered his forces to seize the supplies." There are some jumps in perspective like this. For a background brief, where the drama is more like the reader empathizing with a modern contemptor who is affected by the event, it doesn't mean anything that he walks. There are some other places where the focus goes in or out without a good purpose.

 

In this part: " no doubt as a result of the Caernarian Mutiny,". I don't know if the mutiny is something I should know about already and missed. You should insert "the fateful event called" or "the potent secret of," or something.

 

The part about brotherhoods can be condensed to "they have tactical squads. They have assault squads and devastator squads." You should probably throw the whole thing out. If you don't you have to make it into content.

 

 

 

The provenance of their geneseed is unknown, lost to the ravages of time.

The brief critique I will offer is about this part. Unknown Gene-seed. I would suggest either deciding, in your own time, which direction to jump and pick a gene-seed or to come up with something that adequately explains why the Chapter does not know who they descend from. Simply saying they don't know is considered lazy work, brother, no offence intended.

I think it's the other way around. There is absolutely no reason to specify a gene seed. There already is a story for the chapter, and it's a story about the chapter, it's not about the Salamanders or whoever, they aren't in the story. Narratively there is no need and it is extraneous or distracting.

 

It also isn't something that a chapter is required to know. It's not the second founding, the chapter doesn't come directly from another one. Nothing about the universe forces a chapter to know what its genetic material is copied from.

 

The direction I think it can go is that instead of specifying that they don't know what primarch's gene seed they have, just don't specify that they don't. There is nothing in the story that would make the absence of that information obvious. The only thing that prompts the question is information from outside the story - some readers have their own preexisting desire to know this, but that doesn't affect the quality of your writing, that's an aspect of their consumption.

[Adeptus]

I think this is very well conceived and it's nice to read.

 

The only thing I have to say about the actual content is that it isn't obvious that the crusade is now over. It's not really well placed in time. I have some sense that there was a long period before the mutiny, and it does sort of say that the crusade Jan is over, but while I'm reading about the mutiny, it isn't obvious how retrospective or removed those events are supposed to be from the present state of the chapter. So just some better language before, during, and after: "is still felt," "would go on to," "was to come," etc.

 

Then some style stuff. The part where Caernar strides into the warehouse and orders things loaded into his ship should be replaced. "Incensed, he ordered his forces to seize the supplies." There are some jumps in perspective like this. For a background brief, where the drama is more like the reader empathizing with a modern contemptor who is affected by the event, it doesn't mean anything that he walks. There are some other places where the focus goes in or out without a good purpose.

 

In this part: " no doubt as a result of the Caernarian Mutiny,". I don't know if the mutiny is something I should know about already and missed. You should insert "the fateful event called" or "the potent secret of," or something.

 

The part about brotherhoods can be condensed to "they have tactical squads. They have assault squads and devastator squads." You should probably throw the whole thing out. If you don't you have to make it into content.

 

 

The provenance of their geneseed is unknown, lost to the ravages of time.

The brief critique I will offer is about this part. Unknown Gene-seed. I would suggest either deciding, in your own time, which direction to jump and pick a gene-seed or to come up with something that adequately explains why the Chapter does not know who they descend from. Simply saying they don't know is considered lazy work, brother, no offence intended.

 

I think it's the other way around. There is absolutely no reason to specify a gene seed. There already is a story for the chapter, and it's a story about the chapter, it's not about the Salamanders or whoever, they aren't in the story. Narratively there is no need and it is extraneous or distracting.

 

It also isn't something that a chapter is required to know. It's not the second founding, the chapter doesn't come directly from another one. Nothing about the universe forces a chapter to know what its genetic material is copied from.

 

The direction I think it can go is that instead of specifying that they don't know what primarch's gene seed they have, just don't specify that they don't. There is nothing in the story that would make the absence of that information obvious. The only thing that prompts the question is information from outside the story - some readers have their own preexisting desire to know this, but that doesn't affect the quality of your writing, that's an aspect of their consumption.

 

 

Thanks, that's some really good critique, I'll keep it mind while revising it

 

Reading through, I like the overall tone of the Chapter given. I think this has a strong and healthy use of the Penitence Crusade Judgement, and an actual intelligent use of the Inquisition. I came across the following thoughts:

 

Similarities - I noted several similarities to other forces in Warhammer, largely in the naming scheme you've gone with. 'Contemptor' is a word that's used on a few other high-profile items like the Contemptor Dreadnought. Knights Errant is an Imperial Knight type, as well as an often overused label elsewise. The winged sword is also the Chapter symbol of the Dark Angels. The Dark Angels also make use of the Robed and Hooded Angel figure in their iconography as well. There were one or two others, but I can't seem to re-find them.

 

Any one or two of these is no issue at all. The similarities to other chapters can even help fuel the contemplation of who their gene-sire is. All of them together, though, really jarred me. That they're mostly names should make it an easy fix, but that's what jumped out at me.

 

Random thought, on the storytelling side of things - I recommend not telling the details of how the Inquisition went about interrogating or otherwise investigating the Chapter. The Inquisition is a thing of shadow and mystery, and rightfully feared for it. Helps them keep that character in your history if what they do is... Well.. Mysterious!

 

Just my two cents! It's otherwise a nifty idea, and I look forward to what you flesh them out into.

 

Well, the thing with the Dark Angels iconography is that, erm, I'll be using a lot of Dark Angels models and I'm too lazy to remove all the iconography! I really like a lot of the Dark Angels models, but don't care at all for their green-and-bone colour scheme or their chapter lore, so at least part of the exercise of creating my own chapter lore is to see if I can make it palatable to use Dark Angels models in another scheme for a homebrew chapter!

[Beta galactosidase]

Yeah good, I hope to see more when you've done some more thinking in a while.

 

The the first two paragraphs about the Inquisition (The twelve lords of...) are not connected well enough to the next parts. The next part does describe what the inquisition would need to scrutinize, but they don't tie into each other. It's a good set of thoughts in a draft.

 

 

I made a reply in your chapter founding thread. I think it's pretty good that you don't seem to need details for that in your particular chapter.

[Wargamer]

First thing I would suggest is a slight name change: rather than "Contemptors", perhaps "Knights Contemptor". Or even "Knights of Contempt". Just something to set them a little further apart from Contemptor Dreadnoughts.


I am a little unsure about the Knightly Households thing. It struck me when reading the Seneschals. Errants like close combat, Seneschals like ranged combat, Castellans like both. Okay... so why aren't all the Marines Castellans?

 

Also, there's no sense of how Marines move between the orders, if they move at all. 

 

I think by blending the Space Wolves in a little more we can fix this. Here's a basic run-down idea:

 

SQUIRES - Scout Marines. These are not treated as true Marines by the Chapter, which also permits their less honourable behaviours (like being sneaky). They are barred from the knightly rituals and treated as servants when not at war.

 

KNIGHTS ERRANT - "Unblooded" Marines. These are full-fledged Battle Brothers drawn from the Squires, but have yet to earn a name for themselves. They are referred to as Knights Errant because they are wanderers; when the Contemptors join battle the Errants typically take to the field in bikes, jump packs or Land Speeders to roam ahead of the force in search of foes. Knights Errant are the most eager and overzealous warriors of the Chapter because of their desire to earn glories for themselves. Their squads are often joined by a more senior Marine, who bear titles such as "Knight Vigilant" or "Knight of the Quest". These veterans have a duty to ensure that the glory-hunting youths are serving the Chapter's wider strategic and tactical goals, not just their own desire for battle honours.

 

KNIGHTS CASTELLANT - The Knight Castellant form the core of the Chapter. Each of them answers to a Castellan, or "Keeper of the Castle". A Castellancy can be as small as a single squad or as vast as an entire Space Marine Company, with somewhere in-between being more common. Castellants are battle hardened warriors with long lists of victories to their name. They wear both personal honour and the honour of their Castellancy with pride, and the most lauded Castellans oversee great games between aspiring Marines to decide who is worthy of their patronage.

Castellants can fill almost any role within the Chapter, but most are deployed as Tactical Squads to ensure the Chapter has a solid backbone of experienced soldiers, as well as providing the Castellants sufficient opportunities to indulge in hand to hand combat; an activity few of them will shy away from!

KNIGHTS SENESCHAL - The Knights Seneschal, also known as the Wardens or Knights of the Ward, are among the oldest and most experienced of warriors in the Chapter. Veterans of a thousand wars, every man among them is a hero whose name is whispered in awe and reverence. While all Astartes are exceptional, not all are made for the rigours of command; those who merely excel in the execution of war, not its direction, form the Seneschal.

 

Seneschals, being cool headed and having no need to compete for further glory, are entrusted with the duties of a Devastator. It is their job to secure and fortify landing platforms, supply depots and the other essential strong-points from which the rest of the Chapter can operate. If a foe is so foolhardy as to attempt to sabotage the Chapter's rear line, they will be swiftly crushed with precision volleys of heavy weapons fire from fortress walls and bunkers.


I think this provides a much smoother and more clear-cut structure to the Chapter; they go from "you're not a real Marine" to Marines eager to earn glory, to the mainstay Marines, to bad-ass veterans who will happily do the jobs their more impetuous peers would sneer at. The Veterans can likewise take some nods from the Space Wolves, representing either the hand-picked bodyguards of Captains or members of the Chapter Master's Castellancy.