Burdens

[Jagus Kumkani]

This is my first attempt at fan fiction, I know I'm not the best writer but I just wanted to show you guys something I came up with the last couple days.

I'm open to CC so let me know if there are elements that are lacking.

Let me know what you all think.

 

http://fantasybrainstorm.blogspot.com/2017/08/the-burden.html

 

Edited August 25, 2017 by BreezyLamar

[Jagus Kumkani]

Veteran-Sergeant Ushek had always carried the burden of command like a ton of adamantium on his broad shoulders.  For nearly two centuries now, he'd been tested on ever battlefield and in every battle he had come out alive, never whole but alive. His swarthy face was a welter of scars that was hard for even his brothers to look at, along with his bionic eye he was a menacing looking Space Marine. He owed his countenance to a Dark Eldar Witch that decided his face was the perfect canvas for the end of her blade. His left arm had been hacked off by an Ork cleaver during the Second War for Armageddon and replaced with a bionic. Somehow, through everything he had survived. He constantly questioned why he had survived for so long when his brothers perished before him.

 

"Emperor knows how I've managed to survive" he thought. 

"Why have I survived when many of my brothers haven't?"

 

A burst of broken words and static issued from the vox broke Ushek's thoughts. 

 

 "Brother-Sergeant! More enemy contacts moving up on the right flank! They're closing in!" voxed Galius.

"Say again Brother, I can't hear you!" replied Ushek.

 

 The vox had been plagued with static since the start of the campaign. The Techmarines surmised the static was a product of the electromagnetic interference of the planets atmosphere rather than the crude technology the Orks possessed.

 Galius heard the broken transmission of Sergeant Ushek and cursed under his breath.  He didn't bother sending another transmission, he knew Ushek would make his way to his position. Galius almost balked at the sight he saw before him. For as far as he could see was an ocean of green, far more than he could count. Hundreds of greenskin infantry were closing with the Imperial outpost.

Along with Ork Tanks, Trucks and Bikers, he knew in his twin hearts he would die like a Space Marine should. Fighting.

 

"Brothers, shall we greet or guests accordingly?" said Galius.

His two companions gave him silent nods before Covahr spoke.

"Didn't you know brother? We are the welcome party!" replied Covahr.

 

Galius grinned under his helmet at the playful jibe. The Space Marines leveled their bolters into the oncoming tide. The heads of greenskins popped like blisters from the sustained assault of the Space Marine fire. The Orks were within 50 meters of the wall at that point. The three of them was not enough to slow the Orks down, even for a second. The brutish Orks shoved their dead kin aside and continued their charge.

 

"They're closing Re'ka, let's see who is the better in close combat." said Covahr.

"I've always been your better Covahr, I could fight you and a filthy greenskin at the same time and still best you!" said Re'ka.

 

The Space Marines continued to pour fire on the Orks with well disciplined volleys when Galius noticed a muzzle flash from one of the Ork tanks and tried to shout a warning to his brothers to take cover, but his words were lost when his world turned hot white.

Ushek was making his way toward the right side of the perimeter defense when an explosion enveloped the right flank where Galius and two other battle brothers had been. The entirety of the right perimeter defense was reduced to slag and jutting pieces of plasteel and rockrete. Of Galius and the two battle brothers of Squad Darikus, there was no sign.

 

A pang of sadness ran through Ushek. To lose more brothers was starting to turn his once noble heart into a black hole, his spirit was beginning to break. Even now, his mind immediately returned to his previous thoughts.  

 

"Why have I survived when so many of my brothers haven't?" he said aloud.

 

Even before the smoke cleared, the Orks were shoving and fighting each other through the whole made by the Ork Tank. Ushek's sadness turned to fury and anger upon seeing the burning pit-less red eyes of the Greenskins. He would slay as many of the beast as he could, to honor the deaths of his brothers. 

 Ushek ran straight at the first Greenskin and beheaded it with his power sword. He dodged the blow from a cleaver to his left and rewarded the hapless Greenskin with a blast from his Plasma Pistol. Swing after swing, shot after shot, Greenskins fell in short order. Ushek was hard-pressed, it seemed no end to the Orks coming through the hole. Ushek parried to his right but left his guard open on the left and was met with a cleaver to his midriff. Pain seared up his body as his armor and flesh was breached by the Ork blade. Ignoring the pain, Ushek ripped it out and slammed it into the face of an Ork the was leveling his stubber at him. Ushek began to give up ground in order to give himself more room to fight. With his armor rent and his life blood spilling out of him, only one thought occurred to Ushek.

"Finally...I can join my brothers." he thought.

"Come filth breed, I'll show you the meaning of fury!!!" he bellowed.

Ushek, found the biggest Ork near him and ran straight for him, using his gene-hanced strength, he leapt into the air sword held high and into the press of the Greenskin horde...

[Brother Lunkhead]

A good first bit of fan fiction. I liked it. If you don't mind I have a few words of constructive criticism. You should try to avoid clichéd phrases like, " a ton of admantium".

You might want to edit out some of the 'why have I survived?' dialogue. I understand that this is an important theme in the story, but sometimes less is more (there's a clichéd phrase for you).

 

On the whole it's good work. Your story is short, but compelling. The ending is well done and a lot more satisfying than many Black Library short stories I've read. Keep up the good work! 

[Brother Hellion]

good short story

[Jagus Kumkani]

Thank you guys, I really appreciate it. That was my first fan fiction story. Now that I've read over it again, that theme does seem a little redundant.

 

I also didn't want the Space Marines to be from any specific Chapter, I wanted the reader to make the characters for whatever Chapter the pleased.

I also wanted the reader to wonder just what happened at the end. Did Ushek somehow survive that ordeal?

Or did he finally meet the fate a Space Marine should?

Even now, I still think about what exactly happened and I wrote the story haha!