Order of the Alabaster Tear(Sisters of the Mist) WIP

[Isghamor]

++The Order of the Alabaster Tear++

 

 

 

++ORIGINS++

 

In the early 140:M41 the reports of chaos activity inside the Gothic sector increased considerably. These omens of an imminent war put the Imperium war machine in motion. Forge-worlds increased weapons’ production while a considerable force gathered in the sector. The Adepta Sororitas deployed its forces. Minor orders were instituted, some to fight others to provide support. Among the latter an Order Hospitaller, the Alabaster Tear, was sent to provide medical support to the troops stationed in the proximity of the Avalon system.
The order counted many novitiate and very few sisters with actual combat experience, as they planned to rely on the protection of a nearby astartes’ chapter: the Silver Feathers.
Despite being a fleet based order, due to the scarce number of its members, the order of the Alabaster Tear was given only a single lunar-class cruiser: the “Piety” although it was equipped with cutting edge medical technology. Thus the Piety departed from Terra away to the fringes of the Gothic sector.
 

++ORIGINAL ORGANIZATION++

 
Selune was an old sister and veteran of countless war zones. During her time serving side by side with the guard, she met numerous soldiers and situations which tested her faith in the Emperor. She always emerged from these crisis with a renewed and stronger determination, soon she had become someone to look up to for the soldiers who struggled to see the true meaning of their sacrifice. This earned her a good reputation inside the Sororitas which rewarded her with the leadership of the Alabaster Tear.
To ensure the safety of the order a combat squad was attached to it. This squad was composed by four sisters and one outsider who fought together with them countless times. Their leader, Miria, was supposed to take the leadership in case the order came under attack. Besides them very few sisters had actual combat experience as most of them were still novitiate.
 
 

++FIRST CONTACT++

 
The Piety exited warp-space near the Avalon system. Soon, the on-board sensor registered an unknown signal moving fast in their direction. Captain Ushar shouted orders to the crew and the escort vessels, three in total, assumed a defensive formation around the Cruiser. From the radio room they hailed the mysterious ship. The answer was an excruciating screech, followed by the alarms indicating that the Piety was under attack. A distress signal was immediately sent by the Astropath to Port Maw, the headquarters of the Navy in the sector. Meanwhile the ship’s nature became clear as the first images came up on the holo-screen: chaos marks were painted everywhere along Nurgle’s star.
After an exchange of long-range torpedoes, the wretched ship went on full thrust, launching a barrage of boarding torpedoes. The ship crew armed itself, yet despite the sisters’ training they were medics not warriors. Miria, the leader of the combat squad, deployed the forces on board into patrols spread throughout the ship. With a harsh maneuver the Piety was able to evade most of the torpedoes while it kept on engaging the heretical ship. Shots, screams and prayers spread throughout the corridors of the ship as the boarding party gained more and more ground. Two of the escort vessels took severe damage crippling them, while the third rammed into the enemy at full throttle. Under Ushar’s terrified gaze the ship repaired itself before unleashing a broadside on the escort ripping the bridge open. Out of nowhere a storm of torpedoes and lasers forced the chaos’ ship to get on the defensive.
From the darkness of space emerged a battleship escorted by two cruisers. On the black ship shined the imperial eagle beside silver letters which read:” Cathubodva”. Under the crossfire the heretic barge got quickly annihilated. A thunder-hawk launched from the Cathubodva holding a squad of astartes which, after landing inside the hangar, dispatched the plague marines still on the Piety.
 
Thanks to Miria’s expert leadership the order managed to contain the casualties but the ship suffered heavy damages and was unable to travel the warp. Thunder-hawks shuttled back and forth between the escort vessels and the Piety bringing in the survivors and leaving them in the sisters’ care. A delegation of Astartes from the Cathubodva met with both Miria and Selune to discuss the actions to be taken.
After a consultation with the sector’s headquarter they decided to split the order in two. Miria took the most experienced sister and half of the novitiate and boarded the Cathubodva heading for the front. Selune and the remaining sisters stood on board of the Piety and were escorted to Avalon VI where the ship could be repaired enough to allow warp travel.

 

++THE PLAGUE++

 

The order of the Alabaster Tear, upon arriving on Avalon(a feudal world), deployed a camp using it as temporary HQ. From there Selune gave the sisters various tasks like walking among the population to check for any sign of heresy or lending medical care to nearby villages. The word of these prodigious healers spread quickly among the locals and soon a large crowd gathered outside the order’s camp, many of them asking for true miracles. In some individuals the sisters had found an incubating virus which, after further studies, appeared to be of a similar strain as Nurgle’s plagues. Soon, they ordered a quarantine and conducted additional tests on the population to see how far had the infection spread. The chapter master of the Silver Feathers refused to send notice to the inquisition and vowed that his astartes would undoubtedly find the heretics responsible for this. With the order’s forces halved and the plague spreading, Selune couldn’t risk a conflict thus she agreed. Somehow the information on the nature of the contagion spread to the population and caused major disorders as many innocents were accused of spreading the disease and were burned on the stake. Some peasants even went as far as accusing the order and attacked its camp. Obviously the technological superiority assured a swift end to the incursion but plunged them even deeper into suspicion. At the zenith of this madness in 143:M41 the 12th black crusade properly started. A Chaos fleet attacked Avalon which defences were compromised by the revolts on the surface. Meanwhile the plague was infuriating, ripping victims in the million. The Feathers’ forces gathered again, bringing with them the other half of the order as well as two regiments of the guard.

 

++THE INVASION++

 

The forces of chaos landed first in the city of Asader, where a chaos cult had rose in rebellion taking the city, securing it as a bridgehead. From there their offensive was swift and merciless, the defenders fought with all their might and managed to stall them but not before a considerable part of the planet fell into their filthy hands.

At some point the High Command proposed an exterminatus on Avalon to which both the chapter and the order strongly opposed. Sister Ophelia organized part of the still loyal population into a war-band and conducted a guerrilla behind the enemy lines, helped by the ever present mist.

Local hunters reported a massive force of heretics converging on the camp. The Silver Feathers were engaged on many fronts and couldn’t come in their aid. Thus Selune and Miria joined in counsel and decided to evacuate immediately the camp, although many of the novitiate were among the wounded. Thiara, the youngest sister in Miria’s squad, decided to stand and fight, refusing to abandon her sisters and, symbolically, stood in the courtyard for the entire day. By dusk, when the heretical chorus could be heard, more than five-hundred warriors, both from the order and the guard, had joined her. Miria led them in a desperate stand to buy enough time for the novitiate and the wounded to evacuate. Ophelia joined midway into the fight with her guerilla squads, shortly afterwards Miria had fallen on the field.

When the evacuation was almost complete, of the five-hundred defenders only Thiara, Ophelia and Morgaine who was one of the locals participating in the guerilla still stood. Encircled and with no way out, they were soon torn asunder by the swords and axes of the Enemy. Yet, just when the chaos astartes’ attention turned on the novitiate still inside the camp, dying screams lifted from the rearguard as the three women ripped through the astartes in waves of eldritch power. Each of them presented black wings, sprouting from their back, piercing through the tattered armours. When the novitiate found the heart to plunge into battle, by the time they got out of the camp, everything was over and there were no trace of their saviours other than their empty armours.

 

++CANONISATION OF SAINT THIARA++

 

Once the war was over, the word of what happened back then already spread throughout the entire order. The martyrdom of Thiara, who was disposed to fight even alone to protect her sisters, soon became symbolic to the order. Tales of her resurrection were narrated like those about the saints of the past. Many considered the resurrection of the three a miracle of the Emperor and petitioned the Ecclesiarchy for her canonisation. Thus in 154.M41 Thiara was decreed a saint of the Ecclesiarchy and patron of the order of the Alabaster Tear.

[Bjorn Firewalker]

When different people are speaking, it's best to separate each line of dialogue into its own paragraph, so readers can tell who is saying what. Compare the following examples:

"We have a problem," said the chief engineer. "I don't want to hear about it," the captain snapped back, before the entire ship shook from the kinetic energy of the railgun projectiles impacting her failing shields. "Then you can feel it."

"We have a problem," said the chief engineer.

 

"I don't want to hear about it," the captain snapped back, before the entire ship shook from the kinetic energy of the railgun projectiles impacting her failing shields.

 

"Then you can feel it."

The premise seems promising, but the grammar errors and the aforementioned paragraph structure make it difficult to read, and may deter readers who'd otherwise review it and offer advice.

[Isghamor]

I hope I've fixed it up :)

[Tarvek Val]

That's a good start. I am interested by the premise, but would want to know a little bit more about the characters moving forwards (this, of course, can be expanded in future segments).

[Isghamor]

I realized it was turning out to become garbage(at least stylewise), so I would stop for a while with this and rewrite it for the better once I got more experience in writing

[Conn Eremon]

The use of centered text should be used sparingly. An entire article being centered is very hard to read.

[Isghamor]

I'll make a normal index imperialis. Let me know what do you think about the part already written

 

btw, in your opinion, would the name sound better inverted(Order of the Tear Alabaster)?

[Bjorn Firewalker]

The Order's colors look good in the image you posted. The name "Alabaster Tear" sounds better, as it conforms to common English; inverting the word order to "Tear Alabaster" will be confusing and seem pretentious.