IA: Wings of Dawn - LASC 2019

[Berzul]

Ok, lets continue with the lore.

 

So...

 

THE DOOM OF ALCIDES

The 6th century of the 37th millenium ended with peace restored to the distant world of Alcides.

 

By the covenant entered into by the planetary government and the Grand Master of the Light Keepers, the astartes now found themselves finally able to cease their year-long hunt for the incidious rebels that had found their way from the deep hearts of the hive cities, to the vast stretches of the great Underground Network. Their attention could now once again be placed on their true mission. They could now continue preparing for the real war to come. The conflict, however, would have left the indelible mark of doom upon the planet.

 

It began small.

 

The signs had already shown up in the years before, of course. The influence of the coming doom had been present in the twisted minds of otherwise loyal servants of the Imperium. But, the signs had been little less than invisible to the astartes, and nothing more than a lingering silent question in the back of the Grand Master's mind remained of them, after they had already faded without much notice.

 

Peace had been bought back in blood, and the traitorous resentment of the inhabitants of Alcides had been put in check, but it had served its purpose. Desite the war having been won, and the industry of Alcides having been placed once again in the service of the war effort, Grand Master Einheart had been led to make a choice that -although innocent enough at first glance-, had been instrumental to the downfall of his entire chapter. The engines of the Sigmal, inside the deeper chambers of the Sigmalite Fortress, had been awakened. Never to rest again, until the planet was torn asunder.

 

Through their crisis, the battle-brothers of the Light Keepers chapter had found a way to harvest enough energy, and to produce enough weapons, so as to be able face planetary scale hordes of beasts, and millions upon millones of adversaries, with no other logistical support but the generatoriums, foundries and armories of their own fortress-monastery. Even with the entirety of Alcides slowly resuming their tithes to them in energy and production quotas, the need for energy and manufacturing independance that was revealed by the events of the past conflict was something that had shaken Grand Master Einheart to his core.

 

So, through the following decades the engines of the Sigmal continued their run. The great machinery of the crown jewel of the Underground Network continued to bite down, deeper and deeper into the outer core of Alcides. Searching ever more for higher refined emulsion, with which to power a veritable legion if need be. And, for almost four hundred years, the chapter knew prosperity. Growing into a war machine that would go on to crush the enemies of the Imperium in the far reaches of the known galaxy. With many wars, spanning the entire second half of the 37th millenium, ending in glorious victory for the Light Keepers. With more and better methods of war being honed with each passing victory. All of it in preparation for the one war that they continued to wait for, with their vigilant eyes ever fixed on the distant darkness beyond the edge of the known galaxy. Still blind to the true signs of their looming fate.

 

And so it was, that despite their efforts, the great Light Keepers were found wanting on their day of reckoning. As the Doom of Alcides rose from beneath their great halls looking to consume them all in roaring fires and searing light.

 

+++ WIP +++

 

 

Still working on this part. It's not yet finished. But, I still have to find the words to continue. I'll post more as soon as I can.

Edited October 15, 2019 by Berzul

[gripschi]

Ok, lets continue with the lore.

 

So...

 

THE DOOM OF ALCIDES

The 6th century of the 37th millenium ended with peace restored to the distant world of Alcides.

 

By the covenant entered into by the planetary government and the Grand Master of the Light Keepers, the astartes now found themselves finally able to cease their year-long hunt for the incidious rebels that had found their way from the deep hearts of the hive cities, to the vast stretches of the great Underground Network. Their attention could now once again be placed on their true mission. They could now continue preparing for the real war to come. The conflict, however, would have left the indelible mark of doom upon the planet.

 

It began small.

 

The signs had already shown up in the years before, of course. The influence of the coming doom had been present in the twisted minds of otherwise loyal servants of the Imperium. But, the signs had been little less than invisible to the astartes, and nothing more than a lingering silent question in the back of the Grand Master's mind remained of them, after they had already faded without much notice.

 

Peace had been bought back in blood, and the traitorous resentment of the inhabitants of Alcides had been put in check, but it had served its purpose. Desite the war having been won, and the industry of Alcides having been placed once again in the service of the war effort, Grand Master Einheart had been led to make a choice that -although innocent enough at first glance-, had been instrumental to the downfall of his entire chapter. The engines of the Sigmal, inside the deeper chambers of the Sigmalite Fortress, had been awakened. Never to rest again, until the planet was torn asunder.

 

Through their crisis, the battle-brothers of the Light Keepers chapter had found a way to harvest enough energy, and to produce enough weapons, so as to be able face planetary scale hordes of beasts, and millions upon millones of adversaries, with no other logistical support but the generatoriums, foundries and armories of their own fortress-monastery. Even with the entirety of Alcides slowly resuming their tithes to them in energy and production quotas, the need for energy and manufacturing independance that was revealed by the events of the past conflict was something that had shaken Grand Master Einheart to his core.

 

So, through the following decades the engines of the Sigmal continued their run. The great machinery of the crown jewel of the Underground Network continued to bite down, deeper and deeper into the outer core of Alcides. Searching ever more for higher refined emulsion, with which to power a veritable legion if need be. And, for almost four hundred years, the chapter knew prosperity. Growing into a war machine that would go on to crush the enemies of the Imperium in the far reaches of the known galaxy. With many wars, spanning the entire second half of the 37th millenium, ending in glorious victory for the Light Keepers. With more and better methods of war being honed with each passing victory. All of it in preparation for the one war that they continued to wait for, with their vigilant eyes ever fixed on the distant darkness beyond the edge of the known galaxy. Still blind to the true signs of their looming fate.

 

And so it was, that despite their efforts, the great Light Keepers were found wanting on their day of reckoning. As the Doom of Alcides rose from beneath their great halls looking to consume them all in roaring fires and searing light.

 

+++ WIP +++

 

 

Still working on this part. It's not yet finished. But, I still have to find the words to continue. I'll post more as soon as I can.

 

 

Its in my opinion a good Story.

 

I have a Question, did i understand correct that the engine, bite bit for bit through the entire Crust, only to hit the Planet Core later?

 

I assume, it would be a huge Fire Work when it happen.

[Berzul]

Yes. It bit through the lower mantle and reached the edge of the outer core of the planet, and from there all hell broke loose

[Berzul]

Ok, lets continue with the lore.

 

So...

 

(...)

So, through the following decades the engines of the Sigmal continued their run. The great machinery of the crown jewel of the Underground Network continued to bite down, deeper and deeper into the outer core of Alcides. Searching ever more for higher refined emulsion, with which to power a veritable legion if need be. And, for almost four hundred years, the chapter knew prosperity. Growing into a war machine that would go on to crush the enemies of the Imperium in the far reaches of the known galaxy. With many wars, spanning the entire second half of the 37th millenium, ending in glorious victory for the Light Keepers. With more and better methods of war being honed with each passing victory. All of it in preparation for the one war that they continued to wait for, with their vigilant eyes ever fixed on the distant darkness beyond the edge of the known galaxy. Still blind to the true signs of their looming fate.

 

And so it was, that despite their efforts, the great Light Keepers were found wanting on their day of reckoning. As the Doom of Alcides rose from beneath their great halls looking to consume them all in roaring fires and searing light.

 

(...) As the Imperium approached the end of the 37th millenium, the power that lay dormant, buried since untold ages beneath the deepest places of the planet, rose up when the Sigmal managed to breach through the geological barriers that had contained it all along.

 

The sundering of Alcides started with a massive earthquake. An event beyond any seismic dampener or countermeassure, that shook the foundations of the Underground Network to the verge of collapse. Great chasms openend up from around the engines of the Sigmal, and towards the outer sectors of the hive cities, where large walls of rock as jagged fangs swallowied entire sectors whole in a matter of minutes. Countless hab-blocks fell straight down into the depths, taking their inhabitants with them to their deaths.

 

Then came the blasts. With warning signals firing up through the central cogitators inside the fortress-monastery like an avalanche of information, coming to devour the system and purge the machine spirits of each available terminal it could reach. As the first hour past the early aftershocks of the earthquake went by, gravitational anomalies began to manifest themselves at various points around the remaining infrastructure of each hive city. Warping tunnels of twisted force spiraled from the depths, piercing through layers of plasteel and permacrete, unseen by the naked eyes of the horrified citizens that scrambled everywhere for safety in the surviving sectors. Through the gravity tunnels came the fires from the star at the center of the system. Stretching across space and time like thin strands of bright fire and plasma, coming in the span of a few seconds to touch down on the planet's surface.

 

From their cracked halls in the Sigmalite Fortress, the battle-brothers of the Light Keepers chapter watched as orbs of light appeared in the distance. Balls of fire appearng as tiny sparks, each then expanding in a matter of seconds into vast conflagrations over two kilometers wide. Each one evaporating everything in its reach. Each followed by a blinding flash of white light, and a thermal pulse that would go on to ignite all that was nearby and within stretches of over ten kilometers in every direction. This then followed by blasts of hurricane winds, first washing over the areas beyond the flames, then contracting back to the center of each explosion at impossible speeds. Dragging corpses and rubble along the way, and creating waves of debris that would go on to trample whatever was left along their path.

 

Within a matter of hours over half of each hive city on Alcides had been laid to waste, and as the astartes scrambled to act, a new surge of thermal energy made itself known through the remaining displays in the fortress-monastery's central cogitator. A pulse coming from beneath the point of convergence of the Sigmal's engines, at the lowest of all chambers.

 

 

 

++++ Still WIP for a bit, I'll continue expanding as I can +++

Edited October 17, 2019 by Berzul

[Berzul]

THE DOOM OF ALCIDES
The 6th century of the 37th millenium ended with peace restored to the distant world of Alcides.

By the covenant entered into by the planetary government and the Grand Master of the Light Keepers, the astartes now found themselves finally able to cease their year-long hunt for the insidious rebels that had found their way from the deep hearts of the hive cities, to the vast stretches of the great Underground Network. Their attention could now once again be placed on their true mission. They could now continue preparing for the real war to come. The conflict, however, would have left the indelible mark of doom upon the planet.

The signs had first been in the influence of this coming doom having been present in the twisted minds of otherwise loyal servants of the Imperium. But, the signs had been little less than invisible to the astartes then, rousing only minor suspicion, and leaving nothing more than a lingering silent question in the back of the Grand Master's mind, after they had already faded without much notice.

Peace had been bought back in blood, and the traitorous resentment of the inhabitants of Alcides had been put in check, but it had served its purpose. Despite the war having been won, and the industry of Alcides having been placed once again in the service of the war effort, Grand Master Einheart had been led to make a choice that —although innocent enough at first glance—, had been instrumental to the downfall of his entire chapter. Through their crisis, the battle-brothers of the Light Keepers chapter had found a way to harvest enough energy, and to produce enough weapons, so as to be able face planetary scale hordes of beasts, and millions upon millions of adversaries, with no other logistical support but the generatoriums, foundries and armories of their own fortress-monastery. Even with the entirety of Alcides slowly resuming their tithes to them in energy and production quotas, the need for energy and manufacturing autonomy that was revealed by the events of the past conflict was something that had shaken Grand Master Einheart to his core. The engines of the Sigmal, inside the deeper chambers of the Sigmalite Fortress, had been thus awakened. Never to rest again, until the planet was torn asunder. The confidence of the alcideans and the astartes in the control they had of the planet through their technology would have been ill placed, in the end.

Through the following decades the engines of the Sigmal continued their run. The great machinery of the crown jewel of the Underground Network continued to bite down, deeper and deeper into the outer core of Alcides. Searching ever more for higher refined emulsion, with which to power a veritable legion if need be. And, for almost four hundred years, the chapter knew prosperity. Growing into a war machine that would go on to crush the enemies of the Imperium in the far reaches of the known galaxy. With many wars, spanning the entire second half of the 37th millenium, ending in glorious victory for the Light Keepers. With more and better methods of war being honed with each passing victory. All of it in preparation for the one war that they continued to wait for, with their vigilant eyes ever fixed on the distant darkness beyond the edge of the known galaxy. Still blind to the true signs of their looming fate.

And so it was, that despite their efforts, the great Light Keepers were found wanting on their day of reckoning. As the Doom of Alcides rose from beneath their great halls looking to consume them all in roaring fires and searing light. And, with the Imperium approaching the end of the 37th millennium, the power that lay dormant, buried since untold ages beneath the deepest places of the planet, began to rise up; once the Sigmal had managed to breach through the geological barriers that had contained for so long.

 

The sundering of Alcides started with a furious earthquake. An event beyond the control of any seismic dampener or architectural countermeasure available to the imperial inhabitants of this world, that shook the foundations of the Underground Network to the verge of collapse. Great chasms opened up from around the engines of the Sigmal, and towards the outer sectors of the hive cities, and large walls of sharp rock as jagged fangs swallowed entire sectors whole in a matter of minutes. Countless hab-blocks fell straight down into the depths, taking their inhabitants with them to their deaths.

 

Then came the blasts. With overlapping warning signals firing up through the central cogitators inside the fortress-monastery like an avalanche of information, threatening to devour the system and purge the machine spirits of each available terminal it could reach. As the first hour past the early aftershocks of the earthquake went by, gravitational anomalies began to manifest themselves at various points around the remaining infrastructure of each hive city. Warping tunnels of twisted force spiraled from the depths, piercing through layers of plasteel and permacrete, unseen by the naked eyes of the horrified citizens that scrambled everywhere for safety in the surviving sectors. Through the gravity tunnels came the fires from the star at the center of the system. Stretching across space and time like thin strands of bright fire and plasma, coming in the span of a few seconds to touch down on the planet's surface.

 

From their cracked halls in the Sigmalite Fortress, the battle-brothers of the Light Keepers chapter watched as orbs of light appeared in the distance. Balls of fire appearing as tiny sparks, each then expanding in a matter of seconds into vast conflagrations over two kilometers wide. Each one evaporating everything in its reach. Each followed by a blinding flash of white light, and a thermal pulse that would go on to ignite all that was nearby and within stretches of over ten kilometers in every direction. This all then followed by blasts of hurricane winds, first washing over the areas beyond the flames, then contracting back to the center of each explosion at impossible speeds. Dragging corpses and rubble along the way, and creating waves of debris that would go on to trample most of what was left along their path.

 

Within a matter of hours over half of each hive city on Alcides had been laid to waste. The planet had become nothing more than a poor and ruinous reflection of its former self. With its grand tunnels and roads having been left hanging naked over chasms. With it's generatoriums and factories having been turned into radiation leaking death traps. With it's millions of survivors trapped under ruble, ash and black rain, and it's native beasts having been made to take flight beyond the reach of civilization, to swarm about the last places of geological integrity that were left. And, with the upper halls of the Sigmalite Fortress towering over the wastelands. Inside them, the battle-brothers being witnesses to the destruction that would soon begin to spread towards the rest of the Imperium. All of them now, forced to act, as a new gravitational anomaly and a new surge of thermal energy made itself known throughout the remaining displays of the fortress-monastery's central cogitator. A pulse coming from beneath the point of convergence of the Sigmal's engines, in the belly of the beast that was this new Alcides, which manifested itself along with a psychic shock that hit them with such initial force as to drive some in the chapter's librarium almost to their knees. Showing the Grand Master what would be the most terrifying notion behind the calamity that had struck.

 

That whatever the nature of the doom that had broken the world of Alcides asunder, above all, it was self-aware. An actual intelligence laid at the source of this force, conscious to the presence of the chapter. And it had been waiting for them for even longer than they had been waiting for it.

 

 

+++ +++ +++

 

Ok, that is it for this chapter. Almost done with the IA. I think I just might make it to the deadline!

 

Went back and re-wrote some parts, and polished it a bit. So, for anyone who reads this that has read the previous drafts, there should be some changes here and there, and not just fixed typos.

[Brother Lunkhead]

Hail Brother Berzul,

 

I just finished giving all of your updates a detailed read. Congratulations on the epic work you've put into this. Your chapter lore is shaping up very nicely indeed There's lots of good information and your narrative style makes it a fun read. I do however, have some problems with one major section...… THE DOOM OF ALCIDES 

 

First, let me say that I absolutely love your narrative style and the details you have in that section. You really capture the apocalyptic event that is the doom of Alcides. But, after having read through it several times I'm forced to conclude that there is no story there. There's a lot of very fine special effects but no real substance. I'm only saying this because I'm positive you can put a lot more into this very important section of your story. The good news is, I don't believe it will take much to do it.... just a little added text with no extensive rewrites. So here goes.....

 

The overall idea that the Light Keepers are found wanting and don't know what's hitting them is a sound one. But the event itself needs buildup and foreshadowing. As it stands, it's too much of and isolated event. It's a climax to something that really isn't there. The great engine breaks through to the core of the planet then BOOM, "THE END". I think we all saw that coming. Well.... except the Light Keepers of course What you need is a series of events that seem generally unrelated to the great engines that build up to the planet's doom, and divert attention. These events should vary from mildly puzzling to terrifying. They should run from the personal (example: Brother Rubius sees one of his close Battle Brothers walking down the hall. The problem is that said Battle Brother has been dead for over 30 years) to the general (example 1: a small town disappears without a trace. example 2: a section of the Underground Network becomes bedrock... as if the section never existed). These events increase in frequency and build up to a point where the population is in a panic and the Chapter Master KNOWS that THE DOOM OF ALCIDES is upon them but still doesn't understand the true nature or the source.

 

Next is the source of the doom:

 

 

That whatever the nature of the doom that had broken the world of Alcides asunder, above all, it was self-aware. An actual intelligence laid at the source of this force, conscious to the presence of the chapter. And it had been waiting for them for even longer than they had been waiting for it.

Beyond this statement there is no real indication of this. Evidence should be in the build up and foreshadowing.

 

Is the entity actually malevolent (MMMWWWHAHAHAHAHA.... I AM ALL POWERFUL EVIL AND TAKE PLEASURE ONLY IN YOUR FEAR AND PAIN.....MMMWWHAHAHAHAHA) or just omnipotent (WWOW.... WHAT A RUSH.... Hmmm.....Little Planet..... BOOORRIIING.... I'M OUTTAHERE). Do you have a fixed idea on what the force actually is? You need to use that knowledge to create your story. You don't have to explain it to the audience. Just use it so that we know that there is something great and terrible out there and not just some freak natural phenomena

 

I don't want to say any more.... I don't want to write this story for you, 'cause I think you are more than capable of doing that yourself It just needs a little extra to turn it into some really mega lore. Hope that was more helpful than not

[Berzul]

Ok, first of, it IS very, VERY helpful.

 

I am very thankful that you took the time to read it all (more than once, it seems, at some parts), in order to provide me with feedback. Seriously, it means a lot to me that you take the time to read it. More so that you have the nice gesture of praising what parts are good of my writing. But above all, that you have taken the time to provide me with your feedback.

 

... I can see all of what you say.

 

So, to go point by point:

 

 

Hail Brother Berzul,

 

Well met, brother!

 

 

I just finished giving all of your updates a detailed read. Congratulations on the epic work you've put into this. Your chapter lore is shaping up very nicely indeed There's lots of good information and your narrative style makes it a fun read. I do however, have some problems with one major section...… THE DOOM OF ALCIDES

 

Perfect. Let me try and improve my writting then. I'll review your points entirely.

 

 

First, let me say that I absolutely love your narrative style and the details you have in that section. You really capture the apocalyptic event that is the doom of Alcides.

 

Awesome! I was very much worried about trying to convey the sense of planet-wide catastrophe that the event brought to Alcides, and the state that it left the world in, for the reborn chapter to work on and (somewhat) rebuild.

 

 

But, after having read through it several times I'm forced to conclude that there is no story there. There's a lot of very fine special effects but no real substance. I'm only saying this because I'm positive you can put a lot more into this very important section of your story. The good news is, I don't believe it will take much to do it.... just a little added text with no extensive rewrites. So here goes.....

 

Ouch... But, you know what? You are on to something here. I seem to have focused too much in this chapter of the story into describing the actual destruction of the planet, but little else. I think this is because of the way that I have been writting it all along. With each piece being done with lots of time separation from the rest. My original notes go across the entire lore of the chapter, but I have approached each part as a separate piece of work as I go along, and that seems to have led me to write in a way that is somewhat disjointed and disconnected.

 

Maybe I CAN fix this with little re-writes, but if not, I have no problem with going back and doing some SERIOUS editing.

 

 

The overall idea that the Light Keepers are found wanting and don't know what's hitting them is a sound one. But the event itself needs buildup and foreshadowing. As it stands, it's too much of and isolated event. It's a climax to something that really isn't there. The great engine breaks through to the core of the planet then BOOM, "THE END". I think we all saw that coming. Well.... except the Light Keepers of course What you need is a series of events that seem generally unrelated to the great engines that build up to the planet's doom, and divert attention. These events should vary from mildly puzzling to terrifying. They should run from the personal (example: Brother Rubius sees one of his close Battle Brothers walking down the hall. The problem is that said Battle Brother has been dead for over 30 years) to the general (example 1: a small town disappears without a trace. example 2: a section of the Underground Network becomes bedrock... as if the section never existed). These events increase in frequency and build up to a point where the population is in a panic and the Chapter Master KNOWS that THE DOOM OF ALCIDES is upon them but still doesn't understand the true nature or the source.

 

So, many things.

 

I'm glad that the idea of having a chapter preparing for a fight, but falling short when it came to it, was indeed a good one. In the sense that it was a fun read.

 

I was TRYING to foreshadow it, but in a veeeeeery subtle way. Seems I overdid it, maybe? I've never been much for writting subtle and nuanced build up and foreshadowing, I'm afraid. This is something that happens to me a lot. Now, I never did intend for the events of the Doom of Alcides to catch anyone reading it by surprise. I didn't plan this as a twist at all. I wrote it so as to make it very clear to the reader of where this was all going.

 

My plan in terms of foreshadowing, such as it was, consisted of first explaining that Alaer Khan the Vaerlite was "pulled" into the system by an unrecorder influence; then that the planet presented an unnatural source of energy in the form of the emulsion pools; moving on then to the construction of the Sigmal, and how its very construction managed to set in motion events to come, leading to the visions of the imperiums telepaths, and that itself leading to the chapter; all to then lead into the chapter to facing a suspiciously well motivated and organized rebellion, pushing them into using the Sigmal to dig beyond the mantle of the planet. The entire time I was trying to reinforce that the Doom of Alcides was believed by the chapter to be something coming from BEYOND the system, only for it to turn out that the doom was lying in wait INSIDE Alcides.

 

Now, I did want to write this as a great calamity that moved in subtle ways, before bringing on a total disaster in such a speed and fashion so as to leave the chapter unable to react in time. And then THAT would lead into the War of Sacrifice.

 

That is where I planned on bringing in the details of the chapter and its enemy.

 

So, my concern now is, how to expand on the build up to the doom? I really need to think this over.

 

 

Next is the source of the doom:

That whatever the nature of the doom that had broken the world of Alcides asunder, above all, it was self-aware. An actual intelligence laid at the source of this force, conscious to the presence of the chapter. And it had been waiting for them for even longer than they had been waiting for it.

Beyond this statement there is no real indication of this. Evidence should be in the build up and foreshadowing.

 

Is the entity actually malevolent (MMMWWWHAHAHAHAHA.... I AM ALL POWERFUL EVIL AND TAKE PLEASURE ONLY IN YOUR FEAR AND PAIN.....MMMWWHAHAHAHAHA) or just omnipotent (WWOW.... WHAT A RUSH.... Hmmm.....Little Planet..... BOOORRIIING.... I'M OUTTAHERE). Do you have a fixed idea on what the force actually is? You need to use that knowledge to create your story. You don't have to explain it to the audience. Just use it so that we know that there is something great and terrible out there and not just some freak natural phenomena

 

Here, I actually do have an idea of what the Doom of Alcides is.

 

The doom is an intelligence that exists inside of Alcides. It is not clear to the chapter if it is demonic or xenos in nature.

 

Whatever it is, the doom is an entity that is not exactly evil, but rather ancient and hungry. I'm looking to convey a more "old gods" or lovecraftian feeling about it, more than the more straightforward nature of chaos demons.

 

It exists as a form of energy that manifests itself as either a corporeal entity or number of entities made of pure emulsion, or as pure energy in the form of light. It can alter gravity, can move at light-speed across the universe, and can use these abilities to create impossible levels of destruction. BUt, more importantly, it can possess creatures. Anyone bathed in the light of the doom of Alcides, and tthat catches the light with the naked eye, can be turned into a vassal to it, and expand its influence into others.

 

It is the light that comes to one day engulf the empty darkness of the universe, and consume it, expanding from star to star, and from life form to life form.

 

When the explosions end, and the chapter first faces with the Doom, Einheart sends the warriors of the First COmpany into the depths of the SIgmalite Fortress, and the other companies to scour the ruined cities. The first company then faces off with the physical manifestation of the doom and discover it is an actual creature and not just a galactic phenomena; and the other warriors find survivors coming out of the ruins, with the light of the doom shinning in their eyes, and discover that the influence of the doom spreads through living things.

 

This leads to a conflict between the astartes and the possessed survivors, in the ruins; and a battle between the veterans and the entity, in the Sigmalite Fortress. Einheart ends up dueling the entity himself, revealing to the chapter that each of the Astartes can, in essence, force the entity to focus its possession on them, while making it release other possessed individuals. While Einheart dies in the duel, under the power of the entity's posession, and must be put down by his own battle brothers, his death shows the chapter this particular trait of the doom.

 

With this knowledge, a new Chapter Master emerges to lead the warriors to face off against the doom (name not yet determined).

 

Through sacrificing their own, the chapter beings to win the fight against the virulent influence of the entity, and they manage to leadit back to the fortress, where the final surviving brothers make their stand. There, the Chapter Master decides to attempt what Einheart did, and face of the main manifestation of the entity to force it to possess him alone, in its entirety. This time, though, unlike before, the astartes wins, and manages to concentrate the full force of the entity on himself for long enough to have it die with him.

 

His death actually takes place as he explodes in light, with nothing but his shadow left after the fact. Permanently drawn on the walls of the central hall of the fortress, with his arms outstretched. The shape of the shadow resembling an angel from terra. Thus leading later to the Wings of Dawn as the new identity of the chapter.

 

The influence is gone, but the brothers cannot help but suspect that this is not really the end, and thus this leads them to devoting themselves a long watch over Alcides and the galaxy. THeir own version of "the hunt". Not for fallen angels, but for signs of the Doom of Alcides showing up anywhere in the sector, or the galaxy at large.

 

 

You have already gven me A LOT of awesome feedback, but if you could please let me know what you think of what my thought process has been in my writting, and how to improve it better, I'd be very thankful.

 

Specially with regards of including this foreshadowing and build up, but also if you want, to the nature of the doom in my spoiler tab.

[Brother Lunkhead]

Hail Brother

 

Glad you got some use out of my ramblings I'll role up my sleeves and get straight to work, ok?

 

 

Now, I never did intend for the events of the Doom of Alcides to catch anyone reading it by surprise. I didn't plan this as a twist at all. I wrote it so as to make it very clear to the reader of where this was all going.

Quite right Since the reader has the omniscient view on this, surprise is not on the part of the audience. Your story needs to convey more effectively the disorientation and surprise on the part of the Chapter in a credible manner, other than a ticking time bomb underneath the chair. Since these are Space Marines and as such fairly bright chaps, you need to build up the tension in such a way as to divert them from the nature and location of the threat. I gave you some examples in my last post. Signs are all over the place and in such a variety of phenomena that it is impossible for the Chapter leadership to define the threat, much less figure out from where it is coming from. In the end, they are ready for the fight, it's just that their bolters are pointed in the wrong direction and they are dealing with a Force beyond their comprehension. The tragedy as I see it, is they were preparing for a fight they were destined to lose from the start.

 

 

 

The doom is an intelligence that exists inside of Alcides. It is not clear to the chapter if it is demonic or xenos in nature.

 

Whatever it is, the doom is an entity that is not exactly evil, but rather ancient and hungry. I'm looking to convey a more "old gods" or lovecraftian feeling about it, more than the more straightforward nature of chaos demons.

Seems you've defined the threat quite well. I like the idea that this is not just some powerful daemon of the Chaos Realm, but more like one of the "Great Old Ones" of Lovecraftian Mythos. It is something from "our" universe, but from an earlier time.

 

I think you've done an excellent job of creating a "new" xeno threat that is as ancient, terrible, and mysterious as anything we currently have in the 40K-verse. Nice job on that

 

Now on the surface, based on the destruction the Entity wreaks upon freeing itself, you'd think the Chapter would have no chance in defeating it in any way shape or form. The War of Sacrifice should last maybe about as long as it takes for This Thing (I'm creating many names for it) to look at each Space Marine and wink him out of existence. However, it looks to me (and please correct me if I'm wrong) that The Creature manifests differently once it is freed from the planet's core. It is still powerful, both physically and psychically, but it can no longer draw energy from the planet as effectively as when it was slumbering in it's core. It seems to have sacrificed a measure of it's power for freedom of movement. It is still hellishly powerful, but different. This makes events more realistic and adds a complexity to The Entity..... I think

 

So, as to the content of your spoiler tab, all I can say is.... Looks to me, you just need to work on your buildup and all is well.

 

That's all I have for now. Hope it helps.

Edited October 20, 2019 by Brother Lunkhead

[Berzul]

I'm sorry it has taken me a while to reply here. It may sound like the biggets excuse of all time, but the reason is my country is curently facing a serious case of uprising revolution. Like, "the army is right now battling protestors on the streets and basic supplies are partially cut off from citizens" revolution. If you are interested in looking into it, you just need to google for the Chilean riots in Santiago, Chile.

 

... Its been almost a week now, and it is quite a mess. Has made it hard to concentrate in my writting.

 

Now, as of your suggestions, well, all your comments and suggestions are a great help. I am also very happy to know the entity I have envisioned for the doom of alcides causes a good impression.  I'll take your notes, and try and re-write this part of the lore so as to add said build up. I hope I can do so without having to re-do more of the lore of the chapter in previous episodes of the story.

 

On the part of what was in the spoiler tab,

 

In simple terms, what I am aiming at is the following:

 

The war for the Light Keepers, as they were before they became the Wings of Dawn, is indeed a war they were destined to lose. That is the tragedy of the chapter, and if that comes off through the writting, then I call myself happy and content with having done my job well.

 

The entity is intelligent, and it has been waiting to be freed from the planet's core for many milennia. It has expected the astartes without knowing the nature of their being, as much as the astartes have been waiting for it without knowing its own nature.

 

It is a being that exists in between two forms, both as of pure energy and as a physical manifestation of light. Through its form of pure energy, it that can exhert its power in vessels by having them exposed to itself. If anyone directly sees its light, they become slaves to its will. Also, through its physical manifestations it can move around and find places with creatures on which to enter and expand its influence. And, it can abandon a vessel and assume a physical form at any time, making each vessel a doorway into the physical world for itself, in a sense. But there are problems with its powers, for it can only enter the mind of a creature that stares nakedly into the light; and the astartes are protected by the vestments granted to them by the armoouries of Holy Terra.

 

What the chapter learns in facing it during the first part of the war of sacrifice is that the entity cannot be destroyed by conventional means, but once possessed a creature can battle it through willpower alone and seek to weaken it enough to manifest itself and be damaged. They also learn that the entity is in some way tied to the chapter, as the battle brothers present an irresistible bait for it, and at every turn it will seek to possess them.

 

Through these discoveries, at the turning point of the war of sacrifice, Grand Master Einheart decides to challenge the entity. Although he dies in the process, he learns before his demise that indeed the entity has not walked the universe in untold ages, so when it wakes upon being released from the core of the planet, it is hungry and furious, but also disoriented and weak in a way. Also, he learns that, in waking, the entity has burned so brightly so fast, that it has over exerted itself, and has found itself cut from drawing more power from the planet alone, so this moment right now is what they belive is the only and only chance they have of stopping it. Once it has managed to tap into new sources of energy and spread across the neighbouring systems, there will be no stopping it. With his sacrifice, the chapter also learns that their own deaths while under the posession of the entity actually kills a part of the entity. It's light dies with the battle brother, as it were. Armed with this knowledge, the meaning behind the prophecy of the doom becomes more apparent to the chapter. They are the corpse-wall that will snuff out the light of the doom.

 

But, in the end, as the last survivors manage to push the entity back into the depths of the fortress monastery, the successor of Grand Master Einheart is forced to try and challenge the entity on his own. Weakened as he deems it to be, after the death of almost 900 parts of its being through the sacrifice of almost nine entire companies of the chapter, this new grand master stares intot he light, and summons the entity into him entirely, hoping to being able to kill it on his own right where they both stand.

 

And he does. His body burns in exploding light, and his brothers see the entity manifest itself in one single form, overlapping the shape of the grand master; and they kill them both. The body of the grand master exploding in sunlight leaving nothing but the angelic shadow of his shape imprinted on the walls of the great hall.

 

What follows is that the chapter, expecting through prophecy to die to the last man, now seeing themselves surviving the Doom, become fearful.

 

THey decide to call the chapter dead, so as to try and call the prophecy fulfilled, even if symbolically, and then being an eternal watch over the cosmos, seeking and hunting for traces of the Doom and its influence. Expecting it to have survived, since they themselves have survived. That is what leads into the traditions and state of the chapter as a whole, at present.

 

 

HOw is this about build up.

 

I'm thinking, maybe it starts with ONE blast, in one hive city, and as the chapter scrammbles to assist the planetary defense force, they also send void ships with companies to trace the gravitational anomalies. But as the actual survivors become the enemy around them, severing each part of the chapter that has been dispatched across the first explosion sites, another explosion comes. And soon one blast gives way to another and another, and then it is a multiple number of explosions all over the place. The battle-brothers find themselves spread about the planet and outside of it, with few forces in the actual epicenter of the event with which to face the first appearance of the doom as a physical entity. And thus, the war of sacrifice starts. WIth the chapter spread out, ill prepared, and too few forces at the birthplace of the doom to face it properly.

 

Would that work better?

 

 

Edited October 22, 2019 by Berzul

[gripschi]

 

I think yes. It is a far better build Up.

[Brother Lunkhead]

Hail Brother Berzul,

 

Brother..... Are you in Santiago now? I've actually been following the unrest in your fair nation since the initial student protests. Hope you are doing okay. I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

 

On to the saga of the Wings of Dawn. You are definitely on the right track with your resent edit. I think if you pepper in a few signs and portents to illustrate the increase in tension and crisis you are good to go I'm sure no major rewrites are in order

 

You've definitely added a great new twist and a unique "secret war" to your Dark Angel successor. Speaking of "secret wars", will your chapter be joining the Unforgiven in their war against the Fallen, or will they keep their distance from this intrigue?

 

That's about all I have for you now. I'm looking forward to more lore from you. Let me know if I can be over further help.... I'm here to serve

 

Stay well and stay safe.

[Berzul]

Brother,

 

Yes, I was born in Santiago, and I have lived here all my life. Luckly, my family and me have been spared the front of the riots. I have a three and a half year old daughter that is starting to catch on to the fact that things are not as they should be, and keeping her safe is me and my wife's main concern. But, we live in a neighbourhood that is somewhat safe from this crisis. We have had to deal with people pillaging supermarkets and stores, and a general lack of basic items due to this), but not straight up violence, since we have managed to stay clear of most points of confrontation between the rioters and the army., when moving around.

 

Thank you, for keeping me and mine in your prayers, Brother. I hope things will be winding down soon enough. Our president is, as I type this, giving a speech with the reforms that are in line as a response to the riots. Let's see if that helps calm down the city a bit.

 

But, we are all very angry, tense and scared over here, so... Well, we will see how it goes.

 

Again, thank you for keeping us in your prayers, Brother..

 

 

++++ as for the chapter ++++

 

Thank you! I'll see about introducing a sense of escalation to the events of the doom of alcides then, as I mapped them out in my previous post. I'll try and convey the portents and the signs better, so as to provide a better build up to the actual crisis and the coming of the doom itself. I hope you will all have the time to read once I post the new text, and that you will be willing to provide me with your feedback. I am very close to finishing with the chapter, and I want to get this done right, and in time.

 

Brother Lunkhead, as for your comments on the seret war.

 

Hahaha! I am extremly glad you see it as such. Indeed this was the whole deal with the chapter. How to form a chapter that had a secret war of its own, without necessarily going down the path of mixing the chapter too much with the Dark Angels and the Fallen Angels themselves. I wante a chapter that did not HAVE to be forced into the hunt for the Fallen, so as to justify the existance of the particular features of a Dark Angels Successor Chapter. I wanted to give it its own identity, and reason to hunt. A Secret War of their own, that felt integral to the lore and history of the chapter.

 

If they are in the know of the Fallen, and are a part of Azrael's own plans and agendas, I honestly don't know yet.

[Brother Lunkhead]

Stay away from Dark Angel intrigue..... nothing good comes of it

[Berzul]

Ok, so, lets try this again, shall we?

 

*ehem*

 

THE DOOM OF ALCIDES (Re-edited)
The 6th century of the 37th millennium ended with peace restored to the distant world of Alcides.

By virtue of the covenant entered into by the planetary government and the Grand Master of the Light Keepers, the astartes now found themselves able to cease most of their year-long hunt for rebels. The task of dispending justice to the final few of the dissentors that hid in the vast stretches of the great Underground Network fell on the neophytes of the tenth company. At last, the attention of chapter could be placed once again on their true mission, and they could resume their preparations for the real war to come. Sadly, the entire conflict would still have started the battle-brothers on their final steps towards the doom of the planet.

The signs of what was to come had first been in the influence of this coming doom having been present in the twisted minds of otherwise loyal servants of the Imperium. But, these early signs had been invisible to the astartes then, and had managed to rouse little more than a minor sense of suspicion; leaving nothing but a lingering silent question in the back of the Grand Master's mind alone, before fading away.

The traitorous flame that inspired so many to take up arms against the chapter had been fanned by this invisible hand, and now its design had served its purpose. Despite the war for the peace of Alcides having been won, and despite the industry of the planet having been placed once again in the service of the war effort of the astartes, Grand Master Einheart had been led to make a series of choices that —although innocent enough at first glance—, had all been instrumental to the downfall of his entire chapter.

Through their crisis, the Light Keepers had found a way to harvest enough energy and materials so as to produce enough weapons to be able face planetary scale hordes of beasts, as well millions upon millions of adversaries, with little logistical and manufacturing support beyond the generatoriums, foundries and armories of their own fortress-monastery. Even with the entirety of Alcides slowly resuming their tithes to them in energy and production quotas, the need for energy and manufacturing autonomy that was made evident by the events of the past conflict was something that had shaken Grand Master Einheart to his core. The engines of the Sigmal, inside the deeper chambers of the Sigmalite Fortress, had thus been awakened, never to rest again. Not until the planet was torn asunder, and the confidence that both the alcideans and the astartes had in the control they thought they held over their planet through their technology had been proven ill placed.

For the span of many generations the engines of the Sigmal continued their run. The great machinery of the crown jewel of the Underground Network continued to bite down, deeper and deeper into the outer core of Alcides. Searching ever more for higher refined emulsion with which to power a veritable legion, if need be. And, for almost four hundred years, the chapter knew prosperity. Growing into a war machine that would go on to crush the enemies of the Imperium in the far reaches of the known galaxy. With many wars, spanning the entire second half of the 37th millenium, ending in glorious victory for the Light Keepers. With more and better methods of war being honed with each passing victory. All of it in preparation for the one war that they continued to wait for, with their vigilant eyes ever fixed on the distant darkness beyond the edge of the known galaxy. Still blind to the true signs of their looming fate.

And so it was, that despite their efforts, the great Light Keepers were found wanting on their day of reckoning. As the Doom of Alcides rose from beneath their great halls looking to consume them all in roaring fires and searing light. And, with the Imperium approaching the end of the 37th millennium, the power that lay dormant, buried since untold ages beneath the deepest places of the planet, began to rise up; once the Sigmal had managed to breach through the geological barriers that had contained for so long.

The sundering of Alcides started with a furious earthquake at the center of the hive city of Orsides. An event beyond the control of any seismic dampener or architectural countermeasure available to its inhabitants, which shook its foundations to the verge of collapse. Great chasms opened up from around epicenter of the event and towards the outer sectors of the hive city. Large walls of sharp rock as jagged fangs formed along their many paths to swallow entire sectors whole within a matter of minutes. Countless hab-blocks fell straight down into the depths, taking their inhabitants with them to their deaths.

With alarms firing up across the planet, the magnitude and sudden nature of the event gave Grand Master Einheart cause for concern. As beasts appeared quickly around the affected areas of the hive city to feast on what was left amongst the ruins, the first battle lines of both the fourth company —led by Company Master Ademar— and fifth company —led my Company Master Steinar—, were sent in to secure the area, in lieu of the now fragmented Planetary Defense Force regiments of Orsides; and to protect any and all survivors that could be found.

Not soon after these forces were sent in that new issues came to the Grand Master's attention, as the waters around the hive city of Leanansides began to suffer under the manifestation of previously unrecorded phenomena. The ocean depths began to be subjected to unnatural currents and temperatures, leading to almost boiling waters being thrusted with great force upon the blast shielding of the submerged sectors of the external regions of the hive city. Multiple structures eventually managed to break under the pressure of this torrential currents of near-boiling waters, as the points of most pressure were located outside the thermal shielding that was otherwise common around the generatoriums and refineries, for the prevention of fellhae attacks. Soon, the damage began to lead into a series of floods, with the burning waters flowing almost unstopped into the Underground Network.

Once again, Grand Master Einheart was forced to send in the brothers of the chapter to deal with the situation. With the matter being of such urgency, the third company was dispatched in full to the hive city of Leananside. A thousand battle-brothers, marching as a singular strike force, and leading the way for support, squads from the eight and ninth, as well as many noble and able techmarines from the chapter's own armory to assist in the containment of the breached sectors.

At the fortress-monastery, Gerold Havardir, master of the librarians, was dedicated to finding a recognizable pattern to these strange events. And, through the combined efforts and wisdom of the brothers of the librarium, he managed to pick up on an invisible thread that seemed to tie in both catastrophes. A form of gravitational anomaly, the traces of which could still be found lingering at the point of origin of both events. With these findings then confirmed by enough cogitators from the central nodes of the fortress, so as to give the Grand Master reason and evidence to justify decisive action against it, a search for an expected third event began.

As the weeks passed, more forces were required to provide support, both to the efforts of the companies doing battle in the shaken ruins of the hive city of Orsides, as well as to that of the companies fighting the elements under the ocean surface, in the tunnels of the Underground Network that stretched from the hive city of Leanansides. Squads from the sixth and seventh reserve companies, as well as the tenth scout company, were tasked to both fronts with unnerving regularity.

In the midst of this, the brothers of the librarium made their great discovery, in the form of a unique and very particular psychic frequency yet unperceived by any psyker in the chapter, but common to both gravitational anomalies. One which could serve, then, as a predictor to new manifestations of this astro-phenomena. And, no sooner had this discovery been made, that indeed new anomalous events were picked up by the forces of the chapter. This time, in the form of a series of minor gravitational ripples stretching beyond the reach of Alcides and far towards the star at the center of the Orientis Lux system itself.

Expecting this to be the sign of a third calamity, and convinced now that this new event was to be the final prelude to the great doom that destiny had foretold for the chapter, Grand Master Einheart decided to strike against the coming evil. By his command, the remaining forces of the last of his battle companies took to the heavens in a mighty war fleet, seeking to intercept the monstrous beast of legend that they believed would be coming towards them, hidden in the light of the Orientis Lux star.

And, sure enough, the Doom of Alcides had come at last for them.

The Grand Master held the fortress-monastery, with the honored battle-brothers of the remaining first company at his side. Waiting solemnly for the beast —whatever it truly was— to come to him, wailing and wounded, surely, after first contact with his warriors. And as he gazed into the distant star at the center of the system, the doom indeed appeared, not from above them, but from beneath them.

As it made itself manifest, all that the chapter managed to feel were the blasts. Untold numbers of them, appearing all across the planet, as overlapping warning signals began firing up through the central cogitators inside the fortress-monastery like an avalanche of information, threatening to devour the system and purge the machine spirits of each available terminal it could reach. Each blast caused by gravitational anomalies which began to manifest themselves at various points around the remaining infrastructure of each hive city in Alcides, as warping tunnels of twisted force, which spiraled from the depths of the planet, and pierced through layers of plasteel and permacrete, unseen by the naked eyes of the horrified citizens that scrambled everywhere for safety in the surviving sectors. Through these gravity tunnels came the fires from the star at the center of the system. Stretching across space and time like thin strands of bright fire and plasma, coming in the span of a few seconds to touch down on the planet's surface.

From their halls in the Sigmalite Fortress, the battle-brothers of the Light Keepers chapter watched as orbs of light appeared in the distance. Balls of fire igniting first as tiny sparks, each then expanding in a matter of seconds into vast conflagrations over two kilometers wide. Each one evaporating everything in its reach. Each followed by a blinding flash of white light, and a thermal pulse that would go on to ignite all that was nearby and within stretches of over ten kilometers in every direction. This all then followed by blasts of hurricane winds, first washing over the areas beyond the flames, then contracting back to the center of each explosion at impossible speeds. Dragging corpses and rubble along the way and creating waves of debris that would go on to trample most of what was left along their path.

Within a matter of hours over half of each hive city on Alcides had been lay to waste. The planet had become nothing more than a poor and ruinous reflection of its former self. With its grand tunnels and roads having been left hanging naked over chasms. With it's generatoriums and factories having been turned into radiation leaking death traps. With it's millions of survivors trapped under ruble, ash and black rain, and it's native beasts having been made to take flight beyond the reach of civilization, to swarm about the last places of geological integrity that were left. And, with the upper halls of the Sigmalite Fortress towering over the wastelands. Inside them, the battle-brothers being witnesses to the destruction that would soon begin to spread towards the rest of the Imperium. All of them now, forced to act, as a new gravitational anomaly and a new surge of thermal energy made itself known throughout the remaining displays of the fortress-monastery's central cogitators. A pulse coming from beneath the point of convergence of the Sigmal's engines, in the belly of the beast that was this new Alcides, which manifested itself along with a psychic shock that hit them with such initial force as to drive some in the chapter's librarium almost to their knees. Showing the Grand Master in his mind's eye what would be the most terrifying notion behind the calamity that had struck.

That whatever the nature was of the doom that had broken the world of Alcides asunder, above all, it was self-aware. An actual intelligence, which laid at the source of this force; conscious to the presence of the chapter. And it had been planning for this, and had been waiting for them, for even longer than they had been planning and waiting for it.

 

 

++++

 

Hows that? Works better?

Edited October 26, 2019 by Berzul

[Brother Lunkhead]

…… and I think you've nailed it down quite well

 

Just so you don't think I'm blowing you off with such a brief commentary, here's some nitpickery to aggravate you

 

 

By virtue of the covenant entered into by the planetary government and the Grand Master of the Light Keepers, the astartes now found themselves finally able to cease their most of their year-long hunt for the insidious rebels that had found their way from the deep hearts of the hive cities, and to so many corners along the vast stretches of the great Underground Network.

The highlighted section is a bit awkward and the sentence is a bit long and could be broken up.

 

 

 

Great chasms opened up from around epicenter of the event and towards the outer sectors of the hive city, with large walls of sharp rock as jagged fangs forming along its many paths to swallow entire sectors whole in a matter of minutes.

This sentence could also be broken up.

 

 

 

Once again, Grand Master Einheart was forced to send in the brothers of the chapter to deal with the situation, and with the matter being of such urgency, the third company was dispatched in full to the hive city of Leananside.

(<--- too long) As a singular strike force, leading the way for support(,) squads from the eight, ninth(,) and tenth companies, as well as many noble and able techmarines from the chapter's own armory to(<-- delete "to") assist in the containment of the breached sectors.
 

 

 

That whatever the nature was of the doom that had broken the world of Alcides asunder, above all, it was self-aware. An actual intelligence, which laid (<-- "lay")at the source of this force; conscious to the presence of the chapter. And it had been planning for this, and had been waiting for them, for even longer than they had been planning and waiting for it.

Just so you know, I'm not totally against compound sentences. It's just that they should be used sparingly. Here endeth the English lesson 

 

 

I'm very impressed with the work you've put into this IA and the unique chapter that has come out of it..... all under duress too. Most impressive

Edited October 25, 2019 by Brother Lunkhead

[Berzul]

Brother, I have applied your suggestions. Thank you for pointing out the mistakes. I made all the fixes you suggested, and even went to edit a bit the very first paragraph to improve on it, as when fixing it I found that the whole paragraph was wonky and could be improved. This, while also giving me a chance to be clearer on what the Neophytes were doing at the time of the Doom hitting the planet.

 

Thank you for your very kind words.

 

I have indeed been working on this chapter for quite a while. I have put many hours into my writting, and I have given it my all in trying to make it the best IA it can be. I am absolutetly thrilled to read how people might find it enjoyable to read, and a good and well developed chapter overall.

 

I do not think I'll be able to write down the War of Sacrifice or the Eternal Watch, into the IA, before the firs phase of the LASC19 is up, but Ill keep the IA here to continue developing it as the year draws to a close, anyway. I cannot be content unless I finish the IA in its entirety.

[Brother Lunkhead]

Looks good Brother

 

 

 

I do not think I'll be able to write down the War of Sacrifice or the Eternal Watch, into the IA, before the firs phase of the LASC19 is up, but Ill keep the IA here to continue developing it as the year draws to a close, anyway. I cannot be content unless I finish the IA in its entirety.

Don't sweat it. You've put a lot of good work into this and should be proud of what you've accomplished thus far. You don't need to have everything worked out in detail to submit it for the LASC19.

[Berzul]

Ok, with two days to deadline, I am officially calling the IA done, for the purposes of the LASC19.

 

Thanks for the feedback. It has been very useful, and has helped me greatly in improving my writing and the IA itself. Now, I am looking forward to the second phase of the challenge.

 

+++

 

To be continued, in the near future...

[Berzul]

AS the first phase draws to a close, I have gone back to add the Chapter Heraldry artwork I had comissioned for the chapter.

 

Here is the piece, anyway, but you can also find it now at the top of the IA.

The old and more basic representation of the chapter badge can be found at the part of the IA where I describe the chapter organization, now.

 

[Ace Debonair]

That art is absolutely magnificent.

 

The Chapter is also coming along very well - a truly worthy entrant into the LASC, brother!

[Berzul]

Hey guys!

HAven't been able to continue writting the lore. Mostly because I've been busy working on the lore for a narrative campaign I am running in my town next year, which I need to have ready by january.

 

In the meantime, I was doing a quick inventory if my army, and felt the urge to line them all up for some pictures. FIgured I'd leave them here for reference. I'm still lacking some models (couple of characters, bikers, a darkshroud and a dread) for a full army, though)

 

[Grey Hunter Ydalir]

Holy mackerel this is a huge, huge amount of text.

 

 

I suggested in another thread yesterday that it might be beneficial to split it up. Draw off what you need to make the IA (which is in essence a summary) in order to hook people with your chapter, and then present all the other information in a different 'tabula'. In this manner it allows people to gain an interest and an investment in your chapter and from there they can dig into the rest of your literature on them.

 

This is a lot, it's huge, utterly huge. Being completely honest, I wouldn't even start reading it as a layman. It's such a huge investment in time to try and get through it all with no promise of quality or interest. Speaking from the perspective of marketing your own brand, you need a narrative hook to grab people, which is what the IA is for.

 

Like I suggested in the other thread, make sure there's nothing you can't trim down. Anything that doesn't drive the piece forward should be cut. To paraphrase the quote I put forward earlier, "It's finished not when there is nothing left to add, but when there is nothing left to take away."

 

If I was going to suggest an ideal length for an IA I'd be looking at the Commissar Molotov's Castigators as a guide. Honestly I'd recommend the Castigators as essential reading to anyone attempting an IA, whether it's the first or twenty-first attempt.

 

I'll try and get back later and actually attack the body of work itself, even if only in parts.

[Berzul]

Thanks!

 

The text IS pretty long, yes. I can definetly understand how it becomes off putting, because of it.

 

I did try my hand at a summary, in the first part of the entry. With a rundown of the technical info on the chapter, and a small summary of what they are about. But, it is very alegorical in nature, to be honest, and I can see how it doesn't really help convey the chapter in a way that is interesting or gripping for a more committed read.

 

The text spends a LOT of time on the backstory of the chapter, and puts that as the first part, so yeah. It is a while before you get to things such as structure, belief structure, tactical approach to combat, etc. Which is because I wrote it all int his order. I tried to create a story first, and see where that led me in creating the culture of the chapter second. Then, I went back to add more to the backstory, and flesh it out more.

 

Reading the example you posted, what I can tell is that it goes much more into the culture of the chapter, than its backstory, overall. Which I understand, as I see that when someone else reads it, the backstory comes secondary to the identity of the chapter right now. That is, people want to know what the chapter is about, and later they might be interested in how they got this way.

 

Now, I have read it and re read it plenty of times. Honestly, I have no desire to trim it down any more than I already have. It may be long, but I wrote it for myself, mostly. So, although it can look bloated with text, its all text that I love. The parts I was willing to trim, for myself, I have already trimmed.

 

I think I might go back and add a more extensive summary for the chapter, that can help convey what they are about more clearly. So that whoever reads that can get a better sense of the chapter, and decide properly if they want to read more or not.

 

Hope you will return to this thread and actually read the IA. I have put a lot of work into it, and it is always awesome to know someone else reads it. But, even if you don't, I am already grateful for your suggestions and your advice. I think it is pretty solid.

[Berzul]

ALso, if it helps, the information of the chapter is written down as follows:

 

1) Banner of the chapter

2) CHapter info card

3) Chapter summary

4) History of the chapter

5) TImeline of the history of the chapter

6) Personality

7) Colors and heraldry

8) Composition and structure

9) Combat specialization

10) Purpose as an army

11) Distribution and disposition in the galaxy

[Grey Hunter Ydalir]

I suspected as much, you couldn't really get this much info into one piece if you weren't writing it for yourself. That much is fair enough in every way.

 

However, I think my criticism still stands, and if you're posting something in a public forum, you've got to accept some level of community-level standardization in a lot of ways. Now, I'm not just being critical, I'm trying to be constructive. I'm not actually telling you what you need to do to get something or go somewhere. More what I'm suggesting is that if you want to make an IA using this particular format that has a lot of community acceptance, which has been taken from the officially released IA's.

 

This is only if you want to and if you're happy with it I've no criticism of that and that's awesome and can disregard what I've put here anyway. However, for my money I'd still say it'd be beneficial to construct an IA from this, and keep this as the lore explosion for these guys as it is. It'll just allow people to have an easier time to read about your chapter.

 

In any case, it's heartening to see an extensive amount of work being put into a DIY chapter and I mean that sincerely. I just think you're not putting your best as good of a foot forward in terms of showing the chapter off to the community as you could be, that's all.

 

If I get the time, I'll come back and see if I can offer up my two cents on the work itself.