ironloki Posted June 16, 2005 Share Posted June 16, 2005 Right thought I would just throw up a story I done (c.2000words but I dont thinks its too excessive :( ). Any opinions would be great as im not entirely happy with the end result for some reason but I've had the idea floating around my head so now its away I can focus on better things - Better out than in :D . Its a working title ;) but any comments or criticism would be welcome (especially ideas on how to improve it) as I found my previous stories more fun (Perhaps im just depressed as its raining again :( :( ) Hope you enjoy it. The Hunted Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jimmythemoose Posted June 16, 2005 Share Posted June 16, 2005 Nice, good plot and well written. Apart from a few repetitions of words my only porblem would be the sudden change of tense in the final sentence. I would also break up the last sentence slightly, as short sentences build tension. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ghost Blade Posted June 16, 2005 Share Posted June 16, 2005 I would have to agree with Jimmy... very good plot, and a nice story to boot. It could use some polish on sentence structure in a few places, but other than that, very cool... :D ... just my 2 cents.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Arcanis the Omnipotent Posted June 16, 2005 Share Posted June 16, 2005 I like it a lot. If you want to write more fluff check out the thread going on in Index Astartes HERE. Oh..and edit that last sentence. Other than that, very good :D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dastompinata Posted June 16, 2005 Share Posted June 16, 2005 hahahahaha yes the inquisition can be evil cant it :devil: that was awsome it'l teach those marines to mess with an assassin :lol: ah yes, great plot, id like to know what happened to those other marines (maybe wright a prelude???) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ahmato Posted June 16, 2005 Share Posted June 16, 2005 Damascas? I approve, wonderful place :lol: I like this, it has a very good plot, and killing the main character is a very strong technique. I agree with the fact that the last sentance has to be changed, the change of tense does not work very well here, perhaps change it to; "As the creature began to vanish into shadow, a familiar symbol appeared to be emblazoned onto its back, a symbol synonymous with the Imperium, the symbol of the Inquisition." Thanks for this, I hope there is more to come :devil: Ahmato Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
angel of darkness Posted June 16, 2005 Share Posted June 16, 2005 Looks good. I like the plot, and the tension-building is really good. The part with the assault cannon, and the description of the sergeant earlier on, are both cool. As above, the only real problem is the tense-change in the last sentence. We want more! If that's alright, mr moddy person... :devil: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ferrata Posted June 16, 2005 Share Posted June 16, 2005 I Like It :tu: Over use of smilies before the story starts though :devil: The ending does need rephrasing, just to give it more smacking power. Quite shocked that its a story about your chapter getting its ass kicked though, though they never lost? :lol: Ferrata Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ironloki Posted June 16, 2005 Author Share Posted June 16, 2005 I like overusing smilies :tu: Yeah im going to Edit the last line as I know its not in the proper tense (Was hoping someone could give me an idea to change it as I was too tired so thanks :lol:) Yup i've got a habbit of overusing the same words so that will get changed in the morning when I find the little clone buggers- nice to have others proof read things as I always miss somethings. Yup Ferrata if you check my other story my marines got whacked. I never like the whole heroic kick booty stories. I like stories of peril and marines going out with a bang ;) This does usualymean the death of my main character however and I did get a telling off once back in high school for doing that but its no fun having a happy ending :devil: So thanks a bunch guys you've confirmed some of the things I was not happy with ++edit++ I kinda used Ahmato's last sentance the now as it looks good at the moment. Right im away to bed to heal my eyes ;) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aurelius Rex Posted June 17, 2005 Share Posted June 17, 2005 A really nice story there IronLoki. I am a big fan of twist endings, so thumbs up. :tu: It seems to be a bit of payback for the last story I read about your chapter, when the =][= acolyte was being hunted down by the marines. Is it linked, or is it just Karma coming back to bite them on the bum? ;) While I can't really suggest any structural changes to the story, if you are interested I will pm you about some sentences that could benefit from re-wording. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ferrata Posted June 17, 2005 Share Posted June 17, 2005 :ot: Do we have an offical place to post stories? Or is it generally post them in the chapters forum (i.e. A Ultramarine story in the Ultramarines forum, DIY in Liber, Nagorynth in the Nagorynth, some in Amicus) Ferrata Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ironloki Posted June 17, 2005 Author Share Posted June 17, 2005 Nah you just post it where you feel its best suited ^_^ Yeah thanks Aurelius that would be super :tu:. Im thinking of working some more fluff with ties to the inquisition so that I can create yet more conflict. ;) thank you very much Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ironloki Posted June 17, 2005 Author Share Posted June 17, 2005 Editted version is up. Thanks for the help in polishing a few things up Aurelius :tu: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Veteran Sergeant Amadeus Posted June 18, 2005 Share Posted June 18, 2005 Well done brother.Well done indeed. Thats is definitly one of the best 40k fanfics I have ever read. There is just one thing that would make it even more brilliant...MORE!!!!!!!!!!! :blush: If you were to continue that story it would be great. Thanks Amadeus Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jimmythemoose Posted June 18, 2005 Share Posted June 18, 2005 Nice, but I'm still not a fan of the last sentence, it appears a little to wordy. As it's meant to be building tension for the last phrase I would either swap the commas for full stops or semi colons. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.