my diy fluff

[judas90]

+++CHAPTER NAME: the storm

 

+++CHAPTER FOUNDING: 21st

 

+++CHAPTER MASTER: judas shun

 

+++CHAPTER GENESEED: unknown

 

+++CHAPTER HISTORY: ++ Uploading File ... ++

 

+++CHAPTER HERALDRY: a lightning bolt

 

+++CHAPTER STANDARD: ++ File Pending ++

 

+++HOME PLANET:afiar prime

HISTORY beyond the limit of the range of Astronomicon, among the cold, haunted stars of the Halo Zone.

the 1st and 4th compoanys were presumed dead after a direct assult on a necron world made entirely out of necron metle. it was a massicar the gravity on the hulking mass was strong enugh that the terminators of the first co had trouble moveing and the lack of anti grav tech in the chapter ment it wasent going to get any easyer. the assult had failed and the fleet acompanying them was disbandoned but destroyed in the escape atempt. they held for 5 years in a front line base constructed of the recources they could gather from the planet itself wich was inded extreamly strong. they all knew they couldent hope to survive another assult and it was deided they whould meet them on the feild of battle, and they did so in such a way that the mechnical feinds recoiled for a moment but it dident last but something odd had happened at that moment although so many casualtys were to be seen they were pushing the shining warriors back the gravity had no affect on them any more and the speed in wich they moved could rival that of the eldar. the terminateors attacking in such fluid motions and with such force was devistateing. but all good things must come to an end thair numbers were now to few but still they stood and such a shock when comlinks were opening an inquisitorial fleet comeing to destory the plannet sent a message.''this is ordo xenos inquistor rupart molov our psykers have detected an extreamly large disturbence on the planet afiar prime is there anyone down there''

the shock was such that there was no responce and emproer be praised that there wasent, for the folling lance strike fired at the plannet had hit it peferctily but had not damaged the plannet but had knocked it off corse and disturbed the link between the necron force and the unseen controller .

 

 

main enmie(necrons)

Chapter Master:judas shun

Master Chaplain:Master Chaplain Dromidor

Chief Librarian:Chief Librarian Angelous Dafar

Master of Sanctity: Master Holdar

Master of the Forges: Techmarine Xander

Master of Medicines: Apothecary Tobas

Master of Resources: Master Jerico

Master of Tactics: Master Van Broian

Master of Strategy: Master Icrious

Master of Training: Master Zander

2nd Librarian: Librarian Mealon

 

Battle Cry:"In Mortis Est Gloriam" in death we glorify/ though we be cursed still we fight to the last

 

i need a reason is to why they just snaped and were able to fight i was thinking along the lines of the necron metal in thair blood and it replacated like nano tech but unwanted nano tech. and it has to be bad enough that the inquition dont like them and when they are contacted they are given the choice to fight suicdeal misions or die.

[Ferrata]

First, capital letters and paragraphs would make it easier to read ;)

 

Not sure why you went 21st. There doesnt seem to be any curse on them such as mutations etc. Everything else seems ok.

 

Their name doesnt seem to flow though, The Storm doesnt seem right :rolleyes:

 

Ferrata

[Slim_Reaper]

Yeah... a lil to haloish for me, but I'll try to help out. Think of things that have roused troops like that in the past, great speaches, heroic leaders, etc. Look up thermopoly (sp?) ya know the story told by tom cruise in last samuri, 300 dudes broke the will to fight in an army of a million. Sounds like there might be something there.

 

Cheers,

Slim

[warlordgrubnatz]

hmmn, you need to improve spelling and grammar.

Its okay, for a starters the inquisiton wouldnt check if anyone was down there, they would just open fire. I don't realy understand why they did'nt reply because they were shocked.

[Ryno]

Like the others said, you need to fix the spelling mistakes, and try to keep from making those run-on sentences. (they make me loose my breathe when reading it in my mind! :rolleyes: )

 

Interesting history all in all. I think you should expand it a little though, add a little more to the story, and use a little bit of 'creative writing' to give the chapter history more of a legendary overtone. As it is written now, it's just events written plainly. Try to embellish it a little.

 

Good work ;) I'd like to see some painted minis

 

MAGGOT

 

[EDIT] Also, I think you should add special characters from your army into the history. That they're not just uber fighters, they have a pristine (SP?) background, a reason that they are in the position that they are in.

[manheim]

The bit about the inquisitors contacting them seems a bit strange, the inquisition wouldent really care who was on the planet if there was a xeno pressance on it, but apart from that good, a nice story

 

Also the tactics and stratagy would really be focused on by the chapter master.

[judas90]

well as for the name i was thinking as when they were fighting they started imiting a electric charge (in game terms lower the I by sumthing) for thair mutation and i have special charters i just havent added them in yet

ps the last samuri was running through my head when i wrote this

[Commissar Molotov]

Adeptus Astartes Chapters tend to have names that run in a similar type of vein. New chapter masters choose the fledgeling chapter's name, and they tend not to have a huge amount of imagination. "The Storm" could perhaps be "The Emperor's Storm", or the Stormbringers, or the Harbingers of the Storm, or many other variations that would seem more suitable.

 

-> Not entirely sure you'd find a world constructed entirely of Necron metal. Perhaps your chapter launched an ill-fated assault on one of the larger Necron tomb-ships that subsequently phased out, leading to the disappearance of your chapter's veteran corps?

 

-> Drop the idea of necron metal in your marines' blood. It's unfeasible and your chapters' marines would likely kill themselves in shame - their perfect forms have been sullied by alien filth.

 

-> The Inquisition is far more extreme than you've given them credit for. As referenced before, they would open fire without hesitation. It's better than one innocent dies here than a whole world dies later on. The Inquisition would rather exterminate them immediately (e.g: Flame Falcons, Marines Vigilant) than send them on 'suicide missions'.