Inquisitor Victan Posted August 17, 2005 Share Posted August 17, 2005 i abbonded this idea, see my other army idea here Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/82288-my-chapter/ Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ryno Posted August 17, 2005 Share Posted August 17, 2005 Pretty good ^_^ I have a couple comments about it however. First thing, the way you've structured some of your sentences makes it a little confusing to read. Break up some of your longer sentences just to make it flow a little better. Secondly, At the start of your history, you say that as they were founded, there was a tyranid attack, and the chapter was quickly put to work. From what I gather, it takes quite some time for a new chapter (or a severely devastated chapter) to recruit troops to get up enough man power for such a battle as is depicted in your story. You might want to change it so that maybe 25-50 years after their founding, they were in this battle. That's just what I've gathered from fluff I've read tho, so that may not be completely accurate. Good background, good story ;) MAGGOT Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/82288-my-chapter/#findComment-952899 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Petrol Posted August 17, 2005 Share Posted August 17, 2005 Very interesting background, I enjoyed it a lot. As maggot said just tighten up some of the language used. Also, I was very intrigued on the Inquisitors. I would love to see that part of the background extended a bit. For example, were theInquisitors ordo Xenos, ordo Herticus or Ordo Malleus? By saying they hunted down heretics and aliens is a tad confusing for me. But nevertheless a very cool and original background. ^_^ Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/82288-my-chapter/#findComment-953110 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Inquisitor Victan Posted August 17, 2005 Author Share Posted August 17, 2005 yeah i edited the History a little- and Inquisitor Victan and Mervan also double spaced- may be easier to read now Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/82288-my-chapter/#findComment-953166 Share on other sites More sharing options...
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