Inquisitor Victan Posted August 17, 2005 Share Posted August 17, 2005 i abbonded this idea, see my other army idea here Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ryno Posted August 17, 2005 Share Posted August 17, 2005 Pretty good ^_^ I have a couple comments about it however. First thing, the way you've structured some of your sentences makes it a little confusing to read. Break up some of your longer sentences just to make it flow a little better. Secondly, At the start of your history, you say that as they were founded, there was a tyranid attack, and the chapter was quickly put to work. From what I gather, it takes quite some time for a new chapter (or a severely devastated chapter) to recruit troops to get up enough man power for such a battle as is depicted in your story. You might want to change it so that maybe 25-50 years after their founding, they were in this battle. That's just what I've gathered from fluff I've read tho, so that may not be completely accurate. Good background, good story ;) MAGGOT Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Petrol Posted August 17, 2005 Share Posted August 17, 2005 Very interesting background, I enjoyed it a lot. As maggot said just tighten up some of the language used. Also, I was very intrigued on the Inquisitors. I would love to see that part of the background extended a bit. For example, were theInquisitors ordo Xenos, ordo Herticus or Ordo Malleus? By saying they hunted down heretics and aliens is a tad confusing for me. But nevertheless a very cool and original background. ^_^ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Inquisitor Victan Posted August 17, 2005 Author Share Posted August 17, 2005 yeah i edited the History a little- and Inquisitor Victan and Mervan also double spaced- may be easier to read now Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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