Ryno Posted August 17, 2005 Share Posted August 17, 2005 +++ CHAPTER NAME +++ The Night Mares of the Adeptus Astartes +++ CHAPTER FOUNDING +++ 7th +++ CHAPTER MASTER +++ Chapter Master Raynor +++ CHAPTER GENESEED +++ Imperial Fists +++ CHAPTER COLOURS +++ Dark Red Armour, White Shoulder Pads +++ CHAPTER BATTLE CRY +++ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brother-Librarian Akritedes Posted August 18, 2005 Share Posted August 18, 2005 Ehm, only a few big ones that jump out, which is pretty good. Firstly, how did Raynor become a PDF trooper AND later a Space Marine. Unless I am mistaken (and its entirely likely), doesn't the PDF and Guard have a minimum age requirement for application? If its anything like we have, they'd be sixteen or eighteen by the time they could join, and that'd put them past the age where Marines recruit. Marines can't recruit people who are before or after puberty, as the implants require testosterone in large amounts to successfully bind into the body. So Marines usually only recruit from the young teenagers range. Might want to look into that one. Secondly, the 'nids. I assume this is at least a splinter fleet of them, yes? If so, how in the Emperor's name did they only two or three planets, plus half an agri-world? A thousand Marines couldn't hold a planet against Orks, Traitor Guard, or even 'Crons or Eldar. It's a simple numbers thing, really. One hundred Space Marines are the equal of one thousand Guardsmen, if the Marines can fight on their conditions and use their tactical genius to whittle down the Guard until a pitched battle is possible. Following the same vein, "only" losing five hundred and eighty three Marines to an entire Splinter Fleet is a bit hard to swallow, unless you are intentionally not counting the numerous PDFers and any Guardsmen (in which case I applaud you, "For every hero who is celebrated, a thousand die unsung and unremembered." ;) ). Finally, and really only a possibly minor quibble. A Battle-Brother became the Chapter Master? It sounds entirely possible, but highly unlikely. As I understand it, any Marine is eligible, but why choose a Battle-Brother who has only a few decades of service when you can choose a decorated Company Captain, steeped in the wisdom of centuries and second to none in tactical and strategic acumen? Other then that, its quite good. There are a few minor quibbles with the writing, but I'll leave those to the Ordo Literatus folk to pick on. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ryno Posted August 18, 2005 Author Share Posted August 18, 2005 Firstly, how did Raynor become a PDF trooper AND later a Space Marine. Unless I am mistaken (and its entirely likely), doesn't the PDF and Guard have a minimum age requirement for application? If its anything like we have, they'd be sixteen or eighteen by the time they could join, and that'd put them past the age where Marines recruit. Marines can't recruit people who are before or after puberty, as the implants require testosterone in large amounts to successfully bind into the body. So Marines usually only recruit from the young teenagers range. Might want to look into that one.<{POST_SNAPBACK}> Well, I wasn't quite sure about the ages and whatnot for recruitment, and I figured that Raynor may have been able to have a couple years of service under his belt before recruitment. If you are right (which is entirely likely B) ) then I will have to revise that part. Secondly, the 'nids. I assume this is at least a splinter fleet of them, yes? If so, how in the Emperor's name did they only two or three planets, plus half an agri-world? A thousand Marines couldn't hold a planet against Orks, Traitor Guard, or even 'Crons or Eldar. It's a simple numbers thing, really. One hundred Space Marines are the equal of one thousand Guardsmen, if the Marines can fight on their conditions and use their tactical genius to whittle down the Guard until a pitched battle is possible.<{POST_SNAPBACK}> Well, I can add in that other chapters were present, if that suits the bill? I could also make it so that they took all or most of the outer circle of planets. But I wanted the agri-worlds to be safe, as that is the basis of my chapter's being. without the crops and such from those planets, the new chapter may not have been formed. Following the same vein, "only" losing five hundred and eighty three Marines to an entire Splinter Fleet is a bit hard to swallow, unless you are intentionally not counting the numerous PDFers and any Guardsmen (in which case I applaud you, "For every hero who is celebrated, a thousand die unsung and unremembered." ;) ).<{POST_SNAPBACK}> Nope, I wasn't counting the PDFers or Guardsmen :D I also didn't want to give the notion that the newly founded chapter was devastated by the attack, as is the cliche. Finally, and really only a possibly minor quibble. A Battle-Brother became the Chapter Master? It sounds entirely possible, but highly unlikely. As I understand it, any Marine is eligible, but why choose a Battle-Brother who has only a few decades of service when you can choose a decorated Company Captain, steeped in the wisdom of centuries and second to none in tactical and strategic acumen?<{POST_SNAPBACK}> Like the fluff says, the chapter was at full strength (in terms of numbers) so the brothers from the other chapter returned to their chapters. Raynor being the highest 'ranked' brother inducted into the chapter, he was the one chosen to be Chapter Master. And he wasn't simply a battle-brother, but he was a commander. (that didn't come out too clear in the fluff, now that I read it over again...) Other then that, its quite good. There are a few minor quibbles with the writing, but I'll leave those to the Ordo Literatus folk to pick on. <{POST_SNAPBACK}> Well, only recieving a 52% in english this year, I thought this was pretty good ;) I'm sure someone could write it in a better way, and with more detail though. ;) Well, I think that covers everything you have brought up. I can make some revisions. Once I have more input, I'll do up a final copy. I might get around to making a website at some point for my chapter, with the final copy of the fluff. MAGGOT Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Commissar Molotov Posted August 18, 2005 Share Posted August 18, 2005 Well, my good friend Ak has already got here, so let's see what meat I can scavenge from the corpse. -> I have issues with the name - your chapter seems as though it's setting itself up to be a chapter that gives Space Marines nightmares. Also, naming your (exclusively-male) Space Marine chapter after a female horse could raise a few eyebrows. -> I think you'd find that Orks wouldn't attack a world simply because of its strategic significance. Orks tend to follow a more 'I want, I get' mind-set. -> As Ak said earlier, twelve is the latest age that you can recruit marines. As such, unless the Nexus system is in the habit of employing child-soldiers, Raynor will not have been a PDF guardsman. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SCC Posted August 18, 2005 Share Posted August 18, 2005 +++ CHAPTER COLOURS +++Dark Red Armour, White Shoulder Pads Have you considered using the various types of horse markings for squad markings? Blazes, socks and so forth, in fact using a white diamond blaze on the forehead of all the Marines might look pretty cool... As for the age of PDF troopers, well, the Ultras train kids from a very young age with the aim of them entering the Ultramar PDF and possibly the Ultramar IG Regiments, it is also from these recruits that the UM take prospective Marines. So given a dire enough situation on a planet with a similar PDF structure it's possible to see even young soldiers being thrown into the fray...after all the 'Whiteshields' of the IG are young and many awarrior in the Stormtroops or Commisariat started his fighting career early on in life... I'd also note that Marine candidates can be (depending on your fluff source) up to 14 and even 16 years old, chances are they won't survive the implantation of gene-seed but some do, perhaps Raynor is one of these exceptional individuals... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ryno Posted August 18, 2005 Author Share Posted August 18, 2005 -> I have issues with the name - your chapter seems as though it's setting itself up to be a chapter that gives Space Marines nightmares. Also, naming your (exclusively-male) Space Marine chapter after a female horse could raise a few eyebrows. <{POST_SNAPBACK}> The issue of a mare being a female horse was brought up by myself, to which the mass consensus was "who cares, the name is too cool to pass up!" Do I decided to go with it. -> I think you'd find that Orks wouldn't attack a world simply because of its strategic significance. Orks tend to follow a more 'I want, I get' mind-set. <{POST_SNAPBACK}> Very good point. I'll have to re-word that area. -> As Ak said earlier, twelve is the latest age that you can recruit marines. As such, unless the Nexus system is in the habit of employing child-soldiers, Raynor will not have been a PDF guardsman. <{POST_SNAPBACK}> Well, it seems pretty evident that in most situations, Raynor would not have the ability to have been in the PDF before becoming a marine. Any ideas on how I can show that he had proved his worth? +++ CHAPTER COLOURS +++Dark Red Armour, White Shoulder Pads Have you considered using the various types of horse markings for squad markings? Blazes, socks and so forth, in fact using a white diamond blaze on the forehead of all the Marines might look pretty cool... <{POST_SNAPBACK}> I'm afraid I don't know what you mean by 'white diamond blaze'. I'm not exactly a conoseur of horses B) As for the age of PDF troopers, well, the Ultras train kids from a very young age with the aim of them entering the Ultramar PDF and possibly the Ultramar IG Regiments, it is also from these recruits that the UM take prospective Marines. So given a dire enough situation on a planet with a similar PDF structure it's possible to see even young soldiers being thrown into the fray...after all the 'Whiteshields' of the IG are young and many awarrior in the Stormtroops or Commisariat started his fighting career early on in life... I'd also note that Marine candidates can be (depending on your fluff source) up to 14 and even 16 years old, chances are they won't survive the implantation of gene-seed but some do, perhaps Raynor is one of these exceptional individuals... <{POST_SNAPBACK}> Well, if 16 is the general minimum age of PDF enlistment, then it is highly unlikely that under a normal situation that Raynor would have been able to be a Marine and a PDFer. I will change that, but I need some ideas for it. Thanks for the input guys, and please keep it coming :D MAGGOT Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brother-Librarian Akritedes Posted August 19, 2005 Share Posted August 19, 2005 -> As Ak said earlier, twelve is the latest age that you can recruit marines. As such, unless the Nexus system is in the habit of employing child-soldiers, Raynor will not have been a PDF guardsman.True for the most part, but there are exceptions. I know for a fact some people don't hit puberty until 13-14, and sometimes later if they're a real late bloomer. ( :devil: bad pun) As for the age of PDF troopers, well, the Ultras train kids from a very young age with the aim of them entering the Ultramar PDF and possibly the Ultramar IG Regiments, it is also from these recruits that the UM take prospective Marines. So given a dire enough situation on a planet with a similar PDF structure it's possible to see even young soldiers being thrown into the fray...after all the 'Whiteshields' of the IG are young and many awarrior in the Stormtroops or Commisariat started his fighting career early on in life... Now, here SCC has a point. Cadia trains children to use weapons very, very early, and Catachans are rumored to teach the kiddies to use guns before they learn to walk. Cadian Youth Legions are mostly made up of 10-15ish kids, so if your system uses a similar project, he may well have had a chance. But on an Agri-world, I wouldn't think they'd have such an intensely militarized culture as to allow that. They may have adopted something like that recently, after the nasty pest problem, but I really can't see an Agri-world, with a mere population of a few hundred thousand doing that. Too busy working the crops and such. Oh, and as for the horse stuff, I should be able to get some of it, I hope. :P If memory serves, "Socks" are different colored sections near the hooves, often white. Usually they go all the way around the ankle and a few inches up, I think. A "Blaze" is a different colored patch right smack in the middle of the forehead, often shaped like a diamond or star. White is most common, I believe. Edit: Aha, found something that might help a bit. Horsey markings 'n stuff. It's the bottom three, "Facial Markings", "Leg Markings", and, if you're in an odd mood, "Unique Markings/Colors". The latter isn't really helpful, but it shows some odd patterns and punny (yes, I invented a word) markings. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ryno Posted August 19, 2005 Author Share Posted August 19, 2005 Edit: Aha, found something that might help a bit. Horsey markings 'n stuff<{POST_SNAPBACK}> Thanks for the link, I'll check it out. The Agri-worlds being important, I think it could be possible that they would teach the young to use weapons, aswell as having them tend to their daily farming chores. Well... I need to come up with something to fill in the the gap this detail will open. Anyone have any ideas? Also.. how should I encorporate the horse markings into the army? Say, put a blaze on the veterans instead of laurels or something? Thanx again :devil: MAGGOT Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
StormDragon Posted August 19, 2005 Share Posted August 19, 2005 The Agri-worlds being important, I think it could be possible that they would teach the young to use weapons, aswell as having them tend to their daily farming chores. Well... I need to come up with something to fill in the the gap this detail will open. How about an outbreak of some sort of large, vicious, fast breeding pest that they have to defend the crops against. So all the farm workers get some sort of weapons training so they can prevent all their crops being eaten/destroyed. Just something to think about :devil: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brother-Librarian Akritedes Posted August 19, 2005 Share Posted August 19, 2005 The Agri-worlds being important, I think it could be possible that they would teach the young to use weapons, aswell as having them tend to their daily farming chores. Well... I need to come up with something to fill in the the gap this detail will open. How about an outbreak of some sort of large, vicious, fast breeding pest that they have to defend the crops against. So all the farm workers get some sort of weapons training so they can prevent all their crops being eaten/destroyed. Just something to think about B) <{POST_SNAPBACK}> :P Wouldn't that just be a Tyranid by another name? Here's a thought. Depending on how long the 'nids were out on the fringe, the inner worlds may have conscripted everyone of a fighting age, and some below or above. That'd give you a plausible reason for him to be there, and keeps the sense of danger from a Splinter Fleet. "Move along, move along. All men of eleven years and above, this way, this way. Here's your weapon, your fatigues, your armor, and your rucksack, move along, move along." :devil: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bloodwraith Posted August 19, 2005 Share Posted August 19, 2005 maybe they are taught young because the tyranids left behind organisms that the PDF have not yet entirely eradicated and they keep reappearing. The boys are sent out against the critters to test their courage and mettle. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ryno Posted August 19, 2005 Author Share Posted August 19, 2005 Hmm... well, he could have been conscribed before the Tyranid battle I spose. I'm having a brain block (have been for a couple days. ever since I finished typing that up :devil: I used all my thinking power.) So I'm having trouble trying to work the changes into the fluff. Another question.. what is the correct way to address a chapter master and an apothecary? Brother-Master ________ and Brother-Apothecary_____ or... ? And what is the difference between a captain and a commander? Can 1 SM company have more than 1 captain? These were just things I was thinking of this morning as I was trying to fall asleep.. lol. MAGGOT Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ferrata Posted August 20, 2005 Share Posted August 20, 2005 I've been trying to reply to this topic since you posted, but I kept getting to the name of your chapter, cringing, and then going else where. Personally, I dislike the name, and it is not cool in anyway. But I've finnaly managed to overcome it, so... For Age, phases 2 & 3 have the age limit 10-12 years (according to Index Astartes 1). Even a highly military world would have many children that young with real battle experience. Many might have marksmen experience, or hunting, but real battle experience might be hard to come by. Check out the Bretonian (sp?) book for horse markings, IIRC it had a whole page on how to paint horses including markings and stuff. Each company has only one Captain in the fluff, table top as many as you want can run the Master/Captain profile. A commander will be the person in charge of that current battle, which could be anyone, while a captain is in charge of the entire company. Depending on the formality of the chapter would determine how they would address each other. The normal would be Brother [name], unless they had a special rank. Brother-Captain, Brother-Librarian etc Ferrata Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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