Race Bannon Posted April 13, 2006 Share Posted April 13, 2006 Hello! I posted my DIY IA long ago. I post here again after some grammatical revisions. I'm hoping for some feedback to clear up or clean up some ideas. And yes, several names here are not original. But I like the words :blink: ----- Grey Death Legion ORIGINS During the 17th Founding, adepts from Terra searched to increase the ranks of Adeptus Astartes. In the second arm of the eastern galaxy was Glengarry, a large planet reminiscent of a vastly ancient Terra. Records indicated the populations divided the lands into city-states and were at war. By the time the Imperial adepts arrived several city-states were united under the leadership of Sorrento Grey in what amounted to a world-spanning empire. The superb leadership he wielded and haste which he established control impressed the adepts enough to transform Sorrento into a leader of men for the Emperor. With the fiefdom of Glengarry and the gene-seed of the Raven Guard, Sorrento built the Grey Death Legion. The first action of the new Chapter was against the industrial planet Verthandi, a labyrinth of hallways and processing factories interconnected across the whole of the surface and underground. A Cult of Disorder had infected the denizens and, in a series of unconventional raids, the taint of Chaos was rooted out and destroyed. Major installations and key administrative complexes were occupied until an Inquisitorial cleansing unit arrived. The Grey Death Legion had proven themselves worthy successors to the Raven Guard. The events at Verthandi motivated Sorrento to modify the Codex Astartes. During the operation organized units were separated and members from different squad types were forced to develop new tactics. Specialties proved to be either overpowering or insufficient and codex tactics proved challenging to maintain. Therefore, Sorrento revised the strict company organization. He instituted a general training program where each marine would be able to function in any capacity as needed and would be constantly rotated during their training. HOME WORLD Located in the Ultima Segmentum, Glengarry is the largest planet in the system and within the solar ecosphere. Therefore, Glengarry has a diverse climate and the Chapter uses this diversity for its training regime. The great architects from Macragge constructed the monastery-fortress, Sanctuary, and it diverts from the traditional planetary Space Marine fortress. Above ground, Mount Shadow has several large buildings, including the Temple, which serves various functions for the Chapter. But what is above ground is a humble example of what lies underneath. Inside the mountain Sactuary is a massive structure and runs lengthwise along the mountain chain that stretches across a vast area. Sanctuary is self-sufficient and can be used as a shelter for the planet Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/84977-liber-ia-article/ Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ferrata Posted April 13, 2006 Share Posted April 13, 2006 The superb leadership he wielded and haste which he established control impressed the adepts enough to transform Sorrento into a leader of men for the Emperor. With the fiefdom of Glengarry and the gene-seed of the Raven Guard, Sorrento built the Grey Death Legion.Unless he was a 12-14 year old boy-commander then he will not be able to become a Space Marine. The current process requires puberty to help with the Organ acceptance. Over its illustrious, successful, yet somber history the Chapter has fought against several alien races in defense of the Imperium. The Ordo Xenos has received several marines for the Deathwatch and they serve with distinction. In 367.M40 the Ordo Hereticus praised the Chapter for its valorous actions when it allied with battle sisters from the Order of the Sacred Rose during the Orestian Campaign. This bit seems rather obnoxious Everything else seems ok. Although, I'm not a big fan of the name, it seems like its stepping over itself. Ferrata Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/84977-liber-ia-article/#findComment-982701 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sanguinius Chosen Wing Posted April 13, 2006 Share Posted April 13, 2006 Yeah im with Ferrata, though you didnt pick "strength through unity" from a book did you ;) otherwise it looks good Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/84977-liber-ia-article/#findComment-982738 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Race Bannon Posted April 13, 2006 Author Share Posted April 13, 2006 Unless he was a 12-14 year old boy-commander then he will not be able to become a Space Marine. The current process requires puberty to help with the Organ acceptance. I should have checked this myself :D But that is why you guys are here ^_^ Hmm. Now how to explain the creation of a new chapter leader *before* the chapter ... :) Or does the Chapter come before the leader? Since I prefer to have clean, "legal" fluff for my chapter then I am perfectly willing to make changes and the absolute start of a new Chapter is a very important step in the story development. Is too audacious to say that members from the Raven Guard themselves helped to train the GDL? Is there any other way a new Chapter can be started other than parent-Chapter volunteers? ___ SCW - My source for the battlecry comes from the Gray Death Legion suppliment from the Battletech game system. Since very little is original anymore so I am not surprised this statement is elsewhere. But it fits part of the theme I am hoping is present. ___ I very much appreciate the comments! I hope they keep coming so I may finalize this soon. Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/84977-liber-ia-article/#findComment-983032 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aurelius Rex Posted April 13, 2006 Share Posted April 13, 2006 Good to see one of the Liber Astartes veterans back after the downtime, Race. :) On the chapter, it seems generally solid, although there are a few things that struck me on reading it. Ferrata beat me to it on the first Chapter Master. While the First Founding Index Astartes articles all had the primarch being found on a planet where he had united the tribes etc, it doesn't quite work the same way for later foundings who don't have the primarch thing going for them. GW is really quite vague when it comes to the nuts and bolts of how new chapters are founded, but one theory that is good as any other can be found in the Chapter Creation Stickypost here. To me it boils down to that Sorrento could still be the philosophical inspiration for the chapter, be it as the still-living king or leader, or in the form of his teachings which have pervaded the homeworld. On this point, how did what I assume was a prideful leader take to being told that his world now belonged to the Imperium, or was the planet a part of the Imperium already? Homeworld name - The Scottish / celtic feel of 'Glengarry' (I assume you are a fan of the David Mamet movie ;) doesn't seem to fit in with the otherwise mediterranean theme of the chapter. Cross-training: This kind of thing is also mentioned in the Emperor's Children IA, and I would imagine it happens to an extent in all marine chapters. If they take it to extremes, it must have some kind of disadvantage, as genius close combat specialists have to be torn away from their chainswords and get given a lascannon... Does this 'Jack of all trades and master of none' idea cause any problems for the chapter? Geneseed: There is no problem with using Raven Guard geneseed, but it doesn't seem to gel with the rest of the feel of the chapter character. Why did the boys from Macragge build their fortress? Given the very Ultramarine feel of the chapter (I get a very 'roman' vibe) would it be easier just to have them from Guilliman geneseed? There would not be any problem with having them deviate from the codex; just look at the Mortifactors who are also from UM stock. UM geneseed would not automatically make them pale with dark eyes, but if you have models already painted that way it could easily be explained with it being a genetic trait of the people of the Homeworld. The grey eyes could still be a minor geneseed mutation, a genetic trait of the people, or an interaction of the two. Organisation: Grey Council... B5 fan, right? :) Other than that jar the deviations from codex are interesting, although I am not sure how they would work in practice. I imagine a giant school playing field and the captains choosing which marines they want for their cohort, and the ones left until last being really dejected and saying 'Choose me! Pleeeaaase!' :wub: Also, why are the 'Red Shoulders' 'Infamous'? Sounds like a story there. Beliefs: A crusade that lasted for thousands of years in a 17th founding chapter would be pretty much the whole of their history. Either centuries, or a full thousand years would be about the limit. What was it that they were crusading for that it took marines so long to achieve? How hard were they trying? :lol: Overall, a very good start. :) Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/84977-liber-ia-article/#findComment-983112 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Race Bannon Posted April 14, 2006 Author Share Posted April 14, 2006 Rawr I love this board!! I have read the comments and looked at a few places and really Really REALLY looked at my IA article. Aurelius Rex really put several things into perspective. The jist is that my theme is scattered and that is clouding my idea. The truth of the matter is that I avoided creativity by directly ripping names from other sources and attempted to fit the 40K fluff into a pre-made idea. I concluded that is kin to fitting a cube of jell-o through a straw with boxing gloves on. Looking at some responses from (for example) Ferrata and Molotov I know I have people who actually care about the creative process shared on the boards. Ok, now to the blah blah blah ... ---- QUOTEOver its illustrious, successful, yet somber history the Chapter has fought against several alien races in defense of the Imperium. The Ordo Xenos has received several marines for the Deathwatch and they serve with distinction. In 367.M40 the Ordo Hereticus praised the Chapter for its valorous actions when it allied with battle sisters from the Order of the Sacred Rose during the Orestian Campaign. This bit seems rather obnoxious Ferrata, I actually took offense at the use of the word "obnoxious". Then I took a step back and really looked at what caused you to say that and you are right ... from a certain point of view. Can you explain what is offensive or objectionable to you? I know I said "illustrious, successful, yet somber" without actually describing it. But I wanted to keep it simple and short. The more details I put in the more problems I may run into. If it's the part about the Deathwatch I wanted to put something in about them because I use them in my games. Is there a suggestion how I can write them into my history without sounding obnoxious? I'm all eyes here because that is not how I want to sound. how did what I assume was a prideful leader take to being told that his world now belonged to the Imperium, or was the planet a part of the Imperium already? Rex, very good point. I read the sticky on chapter creation. Based on that I am gladly willing to change this part as I always considered the Chapter Master fluff to be the most difficult to develop. The suggestion that a parent Chapter "loans" it's members seems to be the most logical method. Although I prefer to come up with something different, Occham's Razor is certainly in play here (as I see it). So my question stands: is it audacious for the Raven Guard to directly guide the new Chapter? Homeworld: the name was ripped from Battletech as it is the homeworld of the Legion there. Not realizing it ran counter to the theme - this will be changed. Cross-training: The justification really comes from the game mechanics itself. There is no difference between a devastator marine and an assault marine statistically. The Codex says each marine has squad markings painted somewhere. If I painted a Las-cannon marine belonging to a devastator squad then (on the table) it would look silly to use a devastator model in my tactical squad. I fixed this by removing the markings and suggested each marine is equally trained to fill different combat roles. Therefore, there are no problems in the Chapter. I am sure there are records the Captain can use which shows Brother Artor is "more proficient" with the chainsword. So Artor would be chosen for that task anyway. The question is ... should I explain that further in the IA? I want to explain my chapter once, you know? Geneseed: Another problem that creeps up often in DiYs. I'm partial to the Raven Guard only because I appreciate their style. Ferrata's excellent post here really helped out. As much as the Roman feel is used (abused?) I ran with it. Looking at the whole of my article I will arrange this differently. Who builds the fortress montastery anyways? Ad Mech? Organization: The image you mentioned was funny :huh: I was hoping for cool though :( This goes back to the squad marking I mentioned earlier. Basically I'm lazy with my model painting but strongly believe in WYSIWYG :D I'm a B5 fan by blood. I knew the council name was cheesy, I'll work on that as well. But I really like the idea of changing the Codex organization on paper but not in function. The question is ... how can I write it so it sounds more cool and less "free-range" hehe. Beliefs: I was hoping that a crusade that took thousands of years would sound ominous. I tried to avoid describing the cause of the crusade for simplicity and allow for a sense of "mystery". I over-did that it seems. I could not find much info on 40K Crusades (I don't have BT Codex yet) but this needs some reworking once I looked over it again. Red Shoulders: a rip from Votoms. Damn cool idea there though. Infamous = mystery again. Even as I typed the word I felt this was truely obnoxious, but I let it go. Very little escapes the venerable eyes of Aurilius Rex. I was wanting to make a side story explaining this later. Should I include it in the IA? ----- Thank you so much for the input!!! I've been playing space marines since 1989 and this specific army since 1993. It's special to me and since I am sharing it with the community I really want to make it worthy of your respect. Hopefully I will have a revision ready within a few days :o Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/84977-liber-ia-article/#findComment-984124 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ferrata Posted April 14, 2006 Share Posted April 14, 2006 Ferrata, I actually took offense at the use of the word "obnoxious". Then I took a step back and really looked at what caused you to say that and you are right ... from a certain point of view. Can you explain what is offensive or objectionable to you? I know I said "illustrious, successful, yet somber" without actually describing it. But I wanted to keep it simple and short. The more details I put in the more problems I may run into. I'm sorry, I didn't mean you sounded obnoxious, just the chapter. It seemed a little too "we rock" for my tasteing at the time (bad day ^_^ ). Looking back, its not that bad, still a little "we rock" but, then every chapter needs a little "we rock"ness. Maybe something like a "colourful and active" would sound better. Ferrata Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/84977-liber-ia-article/#findComment-984130 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Race Bannon Posted April 15, 2006 Author Share Posted April 15, 2006 Oh that's cool :wub: ... I'm still considering that part as well and I should make it less "Zomg we are too sexy for our armor can I be more uber plzkthx!!1! :ph34r: If there are any more comments I am welcoming them. Otherwise expect a revision soon :) Link to comment https://bolterandchainsword.com/topic/84977-liber-ia-article/#findComment-984884 Share on other sites More sharing options...
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