IA: Brothers Of Obsidio

[khorneberzerker]

Here Is A Pice Of Fluff On My New Chapter The Brothers Of Obsidio.

 

This is Now Updated !

 

Name

The Brothers of Obsidio were named after the precious relic The Sword Of Obsidio found on Chorotha. The sword Is passed from Chapter Master to Chapter Master. It was forged by the barbarians Of Chorotha to give to one of there tribe leaders. During battle the sword glows with green energy and can pierce even power armour easily.

 

Gene-Seed

The Brothers Of Obsidio uses the Ultra Marines gene-seed as they were made to wipe out a Chaos threat. Having one of the most loyal gene-seeds will stop them from tuning traitor.

 

Founding

The Brothers Of Obsidio were part of the nineteenth founding which took place during Millennia thirty five. The chapter was founded to wipe out a chaos threat in the Tharaxin System. Which they are still attempting to do.

 

Home World

The Brothers Of Obsidio come from the planet Chorotha. An Imperial ice world in the Tharaxin System. They were sent there because it was near the chaos territory which means they can attack easier and strike hard and fast.

 

Combat Doctrine

The Brothers Of Obsidio are trained to wield a bolter in one hand so in close quarters they can use chainswords as well. They are better in long ranged fire fights though. They are also well trained in attacking behind enemy lines. There is one downfall to the Brothers of Obsido. That is they are a relatively new chapter so terminator armour and dreadnoughts are extremely rare. The chapter also refuses to flee during an attack.

 

Organisation

The Brothers Of Obsidio are a codex chapter. All in all there are ten companies. The first is the veteran company. Most of the marines in the veteran company are old wise, battle hardened fighters who know their way about the battle field.

 

The second to fifth companies are the battle companies each with a mixture of tactical marines, assault marines and devastator marines. The chapter has few armoured vehicles as they have trouble staying on the ground without cracking through the ice. Most companies will use landspeeders heavily to counter the enemy with mobility.

 

The six, seventh, eighth and ninth companies are the reserve companies the six and seventh being the tactical company the eighth being the assault and ninth being the devastor.

 

The tenth being the scout company. The scout company recruits only the fiercest of warriors on Chorotha.

 

Battle Cry

"We Shall Cleanse All In Our Path."

 

Traits

Trust Your Battle Brothers

See But Don't Be Seen

Aspire To Glory

Die Standing

 

Any C And C Welcome

Edited April 20, 2006 by khorneberzerker

[Commissar Molotov]

Alright, you've got one big fluff error, and then a few things you ought to consider.

 

- You say that your chapter was created at the start of .M40, and that they're from the 19th Founding. The 21st Founding is known to have happened around the Age of Apostasy, around .M36. So your chapter was created at least four thousand years too late. :devil:

 

Now, details:

 

Why are they called the Brothers of Obsidio? Who or what is Obsidio?

 

Why and how are they non-codex? Why was this organisation adopted?

 

Tell us about Chorotha. What about the people that the Brothers of Obsidio recruit? They contribute a lot to the character of the chapter.

 

Why do they fight Iron Warriors so regularly? Chaos Space Marines aren't that common, despite what the table-top game teaches us. Is this to do with the Iron Cage? In which case, expand on it. Why is your chapter so hung up on the Iron Cage, particularly, when the Imperial Fists themselves aren't completely focused on Iron Warriors?

 

Take a look at these IA articles for some inspiration:

 

Molotov's Castigators

Daeothar's Fiery Lions

Ironloki's Sons of Serapis

Ferrata's Imperial Castellans

Edited April 19, 2006 by Commissar Molotov

[Astartes Consul]

Wow, someone else does what I do!

 

It's got potential, but I agree with all of Molotov's points, use this as a base and expand the background and write it in more detail.

 

Finaly, IMO the battlecry is slightly too long, maybe make that their motto and devise a new, shorter one.

 

cheers

 

p.s. you aren't the Khorne Beserker of Temple of Khorne are you??

[khorneberzerker]

Yes Im That KB. Also It Has Been Redone.

[khorneberzerker]

Right Everyone Change Of Plan I Have Decided To Write The Fluff Myself.

Sorry For Double Post.

Edited April 19, 2006 by khorneberzerker

[ironloki]

Its generally best to do it yourself. Just keep slaving away and im sure the people here will help you tidy things up. Its a true labour or love, and in my case never ending with more updates and refining points. Just post what you have, take the comments and change and expand as required.

 

People can help with dates. I personally was rubbish with them and got aid from the people here. They will also point out any fluff errors and show you an alternative

 

You have to help us help you. Nobody can do your DIY for you...because then it wouldn't be yours :devil:

[Ferrata]

It is always better to write your own. I found it best to do a list of your chapter like I did here. It's quite detailed for a list, but is no where near an IA. Then we can give you help on the general fluff routes to make sure some things are just icky. Then you can move on to writing short versions and then big versions. Or you can just go for it :devil:

 

Ferrata

[ironloki]

Looking at your IA you have a good start

 

Name -Brothers Of Obsidio

Geenseed -Rogal Dorn, Imperial Fists

Homeworld -Chorotha

Combat Doctrine -Ranged

Organisation -Non-Codex

Founding -19th

Battle Cry -"We Shall Cleanse All In Our Paths."

Most Fought Enemy -Iron Warriors.

 

Now you need to expand and rather than have a Q&A bit try and put it like the other IA articles.

 

Founding

- Why were they founded? To fight pirates (arrr! :D )? Xenos, chaos,? where are they stationed

 

Homeworld

- Expand on this. Whats the planet like? why was it chosen? What are its people like.

 

Combat Doctrine

- Why do they prefer ranged. Do they use anything more than any others?

 

+edit+

 

Start off with bullet points of information i.e.

 

Homeworld

Big, 2 moons, desert, giant scorpions, population religious zealots.

 

Then work them into a paragraph

 

Homeworld

The chapters homeworld of Orion is a large desolate planet covered in desert with only the coastal regions producing vegetation of any kind. etc etc.

 

Hope that helps :devil:

[Aurelius Rex]

If you are new to the hobby or find the idea of creating a whole chapter imposing, then you can start up the learning curve nice and gently by doing one of two things:

 

1. Immerse yourself in the background, read the IA articles from the GW chapters and ones posted here, check out the Ultimate Chapter Creation thread in the stickypost at the top of this forum,Link here... and try to break it down into manageable chunks, always trying to tie them into your central theme:

 

 

- What geneseed are they?

- What founding were they?

- What is their chapter symbol/colour scheme?

- What is their Homeworld like, and what is the culture of the homeworld? (ie is it a Hive World, a Feral World, a Death World etc)

- Where in the Imperium are they based? (It may help define the kind of enemies they face most often.)

- What is their Combat Doctrine like? (do they prefer Close Combat or ranged fighting?)

- What is their Organisation like (do they follow the Codex or are they a bit different?)

- What is their Belief System?

 

 

Then when you have an idea of what you want to say, throw it up here for feedback and we will do our best to help.

 

2. If that all seems a little imposing, then you can start with a pre-existing GW chapter like the Ultramarines, and build up your fluff muscles by chronicling the exploits of one of the Company captains.

 

Once you have got the hang of that, having a stab at your own chapter will be a lot less imposing. :devil:

 

 

 

 

But there is no fun in getting someone to write your DIY chapter for you... That would be like getting someone to paint your own miniatures! :D

[khorneberzerker]

Name

The Brothers of Obsidio were named after the precious relic The Sword Of Obsidio found on Chorotha. The sword Is passed from Chapter Master to Chapter Master. It was forged by the barbarians Of Chorotha to give to one of there tribe leaders. During battle the sword glows with green energy and can pierce even power armour easily.

 

Gene-Seed

The Brothers Of Obsidio uses the Ultra Marines gene-seed as they were made to wipe out a Chaos threat. Having one of the most loyal gene-seeds will stop them from tuning traitor.

 

Founding

The Brothers Of Obsidio were part of the nineteenth founding which took place during Millennia thirty five. The chapter was founded to wipe out a chaos threat in the Tharaxin System. Which they are still attempting to do.

 

Home World

The Brothers Of Obsidio come from the planet Chorotha. An Imperial ice world in the Tharaxin System. They were sent there because it was near the chaos territory which means they can attack easier and strike hard and fast.

 

Combat Doctrine

The Brothers Of Obsidio are trained to wield a bolter in one hand so in close quarters they can use chainswords as well. They are better in long ranged fire fights though. They are also well trained in attacking behind enemy lines. There is one downfall to the Brothers of Obsido. That is they are a relatively new chapter so terminator armour and dreadnoughts are extremely rare. The chapter also refuses to flee during an attack.

 

Organisation

The Brothers Of Obsidio are a codex chapter. All in all there are ten companies. The first is the veteran company. Most of the marines in the veteran company are old wise, battle hardened fighters who know their way about the battle field.

 

The second to fifth companies are the battle companies each with a mixture of tactical marines, assault marines and devastator marines. The chapter has few armoured vehicles as they have trouble staying on the ground without cracking through the ice. Most companies will use landspeeders heavily to counter the enemy with mobility.

 

The six, seventh, eighth and ninth companies are the reserve companies the six and seventh being the tactical company the eighth being the assault and ninth being the devastor.

 

The tenth being the scout company. The scout company recruits only the fiercest of warriors on Chorotha.

 

Battle Cry

"We Shall Cleanse All In Our Path."

 

Traits

Trust Your Battle Brothers

See But Don't Be Seen

Aspire To Glory

Die Standing

 

Any C And C Welcome

Edited April 20, 2006 by khorneberzerker

[Ferrata]

Ok, first, don't start each word with a capital letter, it makes it suprisingly hard to read. For example - The Brothers Of Obsidio Uses The Imperial Fist Gene-Seed or The Brothers of Obsidio uses the Imperial Fist's gene-seed. Which one's easier to read? ;)

 

Not totally convinced on your reasoning for the gene-seed, Ultramarines would have fitted the bill better.

 

Your founding date should be put back a bit, maybe in M35

 

Your combat doctrine seems to be all over the place. I would define it a little bit more.

 

I would describe why you have 8 companies and not 10.

 

Ferrata

[khorneberzerker]

The capital letter thing is a bad habbit sorry. Also it has been fixed.

[Commissar Molotov]

Thank you, Ferrata. ;) ^_^

 

KB:

 

Alright, you're starting to add more details. But you've raised yet more questions you can use to detail your background.

 

The Sword of Obsidio - who forged it? Why did they forge it? Who gave it to the chapter, if the first Chapter Master didn't forge it?

 

Gene-seed - I doubt that genetics has much to do with falling to chaos. But if they're determined not to fall to chaos, perhaps you want to emphasise their faith - with Chaplains, perhaps?

 

Also, it seems impossible to me that a SPACE MARINE CHAPTER could have spent six thousand years fighting in one system trying to remove a chaos threat. You might want to work on that.

 

Tell us more about Chorotha and the people that inhabit the planet. Are they feral savages? Tech-savvy Ice Miners? Barbarians? Living in Ice-Domes or Igloos?

 

Regarding Combat Doctrine, you've basically just given us your traits and you're trying to justify them with fluff. Why have they trained with a bolter and chainsword? Why are they better at range, and if they are, why did they train with a bolter and chainsword? Why and how did they get proficient at attacking behind enemy lines? How do you reconcile attacking at range and infiltrating behind enemy lines?

 

If they refuse to flee during an attack, have they sustained heavy casualties?

 

Why have they changed from the codex, especially if they're Ultramarines successors? Plus, the description you've given (1st Veteran, 2-5th Battle, 7-9th Reserve, 10th Scout) is a codex organisation. So what are you saying?

[ironloki]

Also don't be phased by the bus load of questions Molotov and others will ask ^_^ especially if you feel your knowledge is limited. We all started in the same boat . Take your time as they will help flesh out your work and refine it. So dont freak out and think you don't know how to answer them. If you can't we may be able to help you forge some ideas together ;)

[khorneberzerker]

New Update

 

Name

The Brothers of Obsidio were named after the precious relic The Sword Of Obsidio found on Chorotha. The sword Is passed from Chapter Master to Chapter Master. It was forged by the barbarians Of Chorotha to give to one of there tribe leaders. During battle the sword glows with green energy and can pierce even power armour easily.

 

Gene-Seed

The Brothers Of Obsidio uses the Ultra Marines gene-seed as they were made to wipe out a Chaos threat. Having one of the most loyal gene-seeds will stop them from tuning traitor.

 

Founding

The Brothers Of Obsidio were part of the nineteenth founding which took place during Millennia thirty five. The chapter was founded to wipe out a chaos threat in the Tharaxin System. Which they are still attempting to do.

 

Home World

The Brothers Of Obsidio come from the planet Chorotha. An Imperial ice world in the Tharaxin System. They were sent there because it was near the chaos territory which means they can attack easier and strike hard and fast.

 

Combat Doctrine

The Brothers Of Obsidio are trained to wield a bolter in one hand so in close quarters they can use chainswords as well. They are better in long ranged fire fights though. They are also well trained in attacking behind enemy lines. There is one downfall to the Brothers of Obsido. That is they are a relatively new chapter so terminator armour and dreadnoughts are extremely rare. The chapter also refuses to flee during an attack.

 

Organisation

The Brothers Of Obsidio are a codex chapter. All in all there are ten companies. The first is the veteran company. Most of the marines in the veteran company are old wise, battle hardened fighters who know their way about the battle field.

 

The second to fifth companies are the battle companies each with a mixture of tactical marines, assault marines and devastator marines. The chapter has few armoured vehicles as they have trouble staying on the ground without cracking through the ice. Most companies will use landspeeders heavily to counter the enemy with mobility.

 

The six, seventh, eighth and ninth companies are the reserve companies the six and seventh being the tactical company the eighth being the assault and ninth being the devastor.

 

The tenth being the scout company. The scout company recruits only the fiercest of warriors on Chorotha.

 

Battle Cry

"We Shall Cleanse All In Our Path."

 

Traits

Trust Your Battle Brothers

See But Don't Be Seen

Aspire To Glory

Die Standing

 

Any C And C Welcome

Edited April 20, 2006 by khorneberzerker

[ironloki]

You are still capping every first letter which makes it a tad hard to read. Just cap every first letter after a full stop and for names and titles.i.e Imperial Fists

 

Change that and it will be easier on the old eyes :jaw:

[Aurelius Rex]

I would have to agree with 'Loki on the capitalisation. It is pretty hard on the eyes, and the tougher it is for people to read your posts the less likely they are to stick to the end and give feedback and help. :jaw:

 

The edit button on each post will allow you to make changes, and while it will take time to edit your posts above it really will help both us and you in the long run.

[khorneberzerker]

Update.

 

Name

The Brothers of Obsidio were named after the precious relic The Sword Of Obsidio found on Chorotha. The sword Is passed from Chapter Master to Chapter Master. It was forged by the barbarians Of Chorotha to give to one of there tribe leaders. During battle the sword glows with green energy and can pierce even power armour easily.

 

Gene-Seed

The Brothers Of Obsidio uses the Ultra Marines gene-seed as they were made to wipe out a Chaos threat. Having one of the most loyal gene-seeds will stop them from tuning traitor.

 

Founding

The Brothers Of Obsidio were part of the nineteenth founding which took place during Millennia thirty five. The chapter was founded to wipe out a chaos threat in the Tharaxin System. Which they are still attempting to do.

 

Home World

The Brothers Of Obsidio come from the planet Chorotha. An Imperial ice world in the Tharaxin System. They were sent there because it was near the chaos territory which means they can attack easier and strike hard and fast.

 

Combat Doctrine

The Brothers Of Obsidio are trained to wield a bolter in one hand so in close quarters they can use chainswords as well. They are better in long ranged fire fights though. They are also well trained in attacking behind enemy lines. There is one downfall to the Brothers of Obsido. That is they are a relatively new chapter so terminator armour and dreadnoughts are extremely rare. The chapter also refuses to flee during an attack.

 

Organisation

The Brothers Of Obsidio are a codex chapter. All in all there are ten companies. The first is the veteran company. Most of the marines in the veteran company are old wise, battle hardened fighters who know their way about the battle field.

 

The second to fifth companies are the battle companies each with a mixture of tactical marines, assault marines and devastator marines. The chapter has few armoured vehicles as they have trouble staying on the ground without cracking through the ice. Most companies will use landspeeders heavily to counter the enemy with mobility.

 

The six, seventh, eighth and ninth companies are the reserve companies the six and seventh being the tactical company the eighth being the assault and ninth being the devastor.

 

The tenth being the scout company. The scout company recruits only the fiercest of warriors on Chorotha.

 

Battle Cry

"We Shall Cleanse All In Our Path."

 

Traits

Trust Your Battle Brothers

See But Don't Be Seen

Aspire To Glory

Die Standing

 

Any C And C Welcome

Edited April 20, 2006 by khorneberzerker

[ironloki]

Okay for some expanding

 

It was forged by the barbarians Of Chorotha

Who are these barbarians and why was a sword forged?. I have something similar with a weapon being crafted by the planets "Gods". Perhaps you could do something like this as the sword needs a meaning or some background.

 

i.e.

 

My chapter has a relic which was given to a "mythical" hero who united the planet prior to the marines comming. As a result it holds a ceremonial role.

 

So give it some backstory.

 

Home World

The Brothers Of Obsidio come from the planet Chorotha. An Imperial ice world in the Tharaxin System. They were sent there because it was near the chaos territory which means they can attack easier and strike hard and fast.

 

Good. Now expand the homeworld. What kind of people inhabit it? advanced? nomadic? feudal? Anything else about the homeworld that you would like to add. Does the atmosphere make the people harder? Do they have any rituals which have become adopted by the marines?

 

Just some quick thoughts that should help flesh it out a bit more

[khorneberzerker]

Update.

 

Name

The Brothers of Obsidio were named after the precious relic The Sword Of Obsidio found on Chorotha. The sword Is passed from Chapter Master to Chapter Master. It was forged by the barbarians Of Chorotha to give to one of there tribe leaders. During battle the sword glows with green energy and can pierce even power armour easily.

 

Gene-Seed

The Brothers of Obsidio where created using the Ultramarine gene-seed due to it's pureness and stability

 

Founding

The Brothers Of Obsidio were part of the nineteenth founding which took place during Millennia thirty five. The chapter was founded to wipe out a chaos threat in the Tharaxin System. Which they are still attempting to do.

 

Home World

The Brothers Of Obsidio come from the planet Chorotha. An Imperial ice world in the Tharaxin System. They were sent there because it was near the chaos territory which means they can attack easier and strike hard and fast.

 

Combat Doctrine

The Brothers Of Obsidio are trained to wield a bolter in one hand so in close quarters they can use chainswords as well. They are better in long ranged fire fights though. They are also well trained in attacking behind enemy lines. There is one downfall to the Brothers of Obsido. That is they are a relatively new chapter so terminator armour and dreadnoughts are extremely rare. The chapter also refuses to flee during an attack.

 

Organisation

The Brothers Of Obsidio are a codex chapter. All in all there are ten companies. The first is the veteran company. Most of the marines in the veteran company are old wise, battle hardened fighters who know their way about the battle field.

 

The second to fifth companies are the battle companies each with a mixture of tactical marines, assault marines and devastator marines. The chapter has few armoured vehicles as they have trouble staying on the ground without cracking through the ice. Most companies will use landspeeders heavily to counter the enemy with mobility.

 

The six, seventh, eighth and ninth companies are the reserve companies the six and seventh being the tactical company the eighth being the assault and ninth being the devastor.

 

The tenth being the scout company. The scout company recruits only the fiercest of warriors on Chorotha.

 

Battle Cry

"We Shall Cleanse All In Our Path."

 

Traits

Trust Your Battle Brothers

See But Don't Be Seen

Aspire To Glory

Die Standing

 

Any C And C Welcome

Edited April 20, 2006 by khorneberzerker

[Ferrata]

Name: Needs a bit more work but is getting better. Why did this tribal leader deserve such a special sword?

 

Gene-seed: I think your reasoning is still poor. Something like the following would be better:

The Brothers of Obsidio where created using the Ultramarine gene-seed due to it's pureness and stability. They have shown no signs of mutation or gene-seed degeneration.

 

Founding: How large is this system? It has taken them around 5000 years and they still havent removed the threat. Either the Chaos is very strong there and is kept supplied with new warriors, or the chapter isn't very efficent.

 

Home World: More details would be nice. What kind of standard of civilisation is they there? Why is it useful to the Imperium? How does it produce Marine applicants?

 

Combat Doctrine: Some more explanation about how these doctrine's came about? Why do they like to shoot, but still infiltrate behind enemy lines? Why do they use heavy weapons, but like to wield chainswords? Also, M35 was quite a while ago, so they should have enough armour and tanks.

 

Organisation: You just seem to be rewirtting the codex formation. I would expand upon the use of Land Speeders.

 

Ferrata

[Commissar Molotov]

How did the tribesmen of Chorotha create a power sword that impressed even the Space Marines?