Chaplain Odin Posted June 25, 2006 Share Posted June 25, 2006 After some thought, I decided to post this here (again!). I had posted it at least some of it before the crash, but stopped writing for months and sure enough, the post faded away never to be seen again. Recently, I've gotten back into writing, so I figure now would be a good time to post it again. I'll be posting it in sections with a new section every few days or so if there's interest. Some of you may have already read some of this (perhaps all of it, as I have posted it on fanfiction.net as well). Comments and criticism are welcome. Enjoy! <{POST_SNAPBACK}> Jump to Chapter 2 <{POST_SNAPBACK}> Jump to Chapter 3 <{POST_SNAPBACK}> Jump to Chapter 4 <{POST_SNAPBACK}> Jump to Chapter 5 --------------------------------- PART 1 : GAEA PRIME Chapter 1 She screamed again, louder this time as she collapsed to her knees, soft sand shifting under her weight. Tears streamed down the smooth skin of her face, hidden behind her long, dark hair. She was almost completely naked, body wrapped in pieces of parchment, each bearing ancient scripture ranging from psychic wards to litanies of purity. Her skin was cut in places, the result of self-flagellation and ritual cleansing, and anointed with consecrated oils. Meant to be signs of her dedication to the Imperial creed, they made her look more like a worshipper of the dark gods of Chaos than an Imperial citizen. Sunlight filtered through the rafters of the ruined building and was reflected by the oils, giving the pain wracked figure a soft, surreal glow. Inquisitor Alexi Dovator watched her carefully, blue eyes narrowing in the shadow of his wide-brimmed hat, wishing the demonstration of her abilities would stop. He felt bad for being a part of her pain, no matter how hard he tried to convince himself that she wasn Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
diabloelmo Posted June 26, 2006 Share Posted June 26, 2006 As I can't remember whether or not I have already reviewed this on fanfiction.net.... Its a great story, and you should definately post up the rest of the chapters. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chaplain Odin Posted June 26, 2006 Author Share Posted June 26, 2006 As I can't remember whether or not I have already reviewed this on fanfiction.net.... Its a great story, and you should definately post up the rest of the chapters. Thanks. And yes, you did review it on fanfiction.net. I thought I recognized the screen name from some where. Now I know where I remembered it from. :tu: Editted my original post to include more of the first chapter. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
retlaw83 Posted June 26, 2006 Share Posted June 26, 2006 I like this a lot. The characters act a little too 20th century, but it lets me relate to them better. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
diabloelmo Posted June 27, 2006 Share Posted June 27, 2006 Perhaps I should post up my story, 'And They Shall Know No Fear'.... or is a crossover considered taboo on the B&C? your thoughts, Odin? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chaplain Odin Posted June 27, 2006 Author Share Posted June 27, 2006 I like this a lot. The characters act a little too 20th century, but it lets me relate to them better. I never really thought of that before. But you're right, the characters do seem "20th century." But I suppose that's alright if it helps the reader relate to the characters better. Hopefully, it doesn't detract from the story or decrease the believability of it being set in the 40K universe. Perhaps I should post up my story, 'And They Shall Know No Fear'.... or is a crossover considered taboo on the B&C? your thoughts, Odin? I'm not sure what you mean by "crossover." I'd like to see your story, but if you mean posting it in this thread, I'm not sure it would work. I have my plot pretty much laid out (I just have to keep myself focussed and get it written!). Thanks for the feedback. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
diabloelmo Posted June 27, 2006 Share Posted June 27, 2006 Of course not on this thread. By crossover, i mean using the setting of one fictional universe (40k, of course) and adding characters and some plot from another. Anyway, back to your story (lol, it IS your thread....) I would like to see how some of the other characters develop, won't get into details because some others havn't read as much as i have! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chaplain Odin Posted June 27, 2006 Author Share Posted June 27, 2006 Of course not on this thread. By crossover, i mean using the setting of one fictional universe (40k, of course) and adding characters and some plot from another. Anyway, back to your story (lol, it IS your thread....) I would like to see how some of the other characters develop, won't get into details because some others havn't read as much as i have! D'oh! *smacks head* What was I thinking? Of course that's what you meant! ;) I've got no problems with you, or anyone else for that matter, making use of things from my story. I expect to get a cut of the profits though :drool: . But seriously, as long as they aren't passed off as your own, its fine by me and could probably lead to some interesting results. I wouldn't mind trying to do the same with my story. As to characters developing, this is the first story I've written where character development was one of my goals. So hopefully, I manage to pull it off to some extent and learn how to do it better as I go along. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chaplain Odin Posted June 28, 2006 Author Share Posted June 28, 2006 Posted the last part of chapter one. The decision to post the story here gave me a chance to go back over some parts and read them again to myself. I realized that there was something about the final part of the first chapter that I just didn't like. It didn't do a good enough job of getting into the character's head. As a result, I decided to give the scene an overhaul. Hopefully, this updated version works well and does a better job of showing the reader what the character is like. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chaplain Odin Posted July 4, 2006 Author Share Posted July 4, 2006 Not sure how much interest there is in this, but I'll dig it up from the third page and get started on Chapter 2. As always, comments and criticism is welcomed. ------------------------- Chapter 2 He pressed his back against the ruined rockcrete wall, slowly sinking to a crouching position. He was breathing hard, but years of training and experience had taught him how to perform even the noisiest actions in complete silence. The man wiped the sweat from his brow with a dirty sleeve. It had been about a week since Dovator had sent him to this planet, lightly armed and dressed as a civilian. He was a soldier, formerly a Lieutenant in the Imperial Guard. He was used to relying on big guns and carapace armour. Now he had neither, and it was his job to hunt down a known and dangerous cult leader, and execute him for crimes against the Imperium. The man ran his hand slowly down the side of his face, feeling the beginnings of a beard. He smiled to himself, remembering his years in the Guard. Back then, a beard would have been out of the question. Yet somehow, deep down, he almost missed the iron discipline the senior officers enforced. The man unclipped a water flask from his belt and took a sip, exhaling slowly. His search had come to an end an hour ago. He had found the location of the cult. And from what he had seen as he picked his way through the ruins, it had more than its fair share of members. The man slid along the wall to his right and peered around the corner. Within a few seconds he had taken in all points of interest. He mentally noted each pile of rubble large enough to conceal a man, every crumbling building that provided a clear line of fire to his position. He studied the area carefully, searching for any signs of an ambush. Raising his left hand, the man signalled the area was clear. A woman emerged from a pile of rubble nearby and quickly made her way to the man Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ArbitesAugmented Posted July 4, 2006 Share Posted July 4, 2006 for a moment there, I thought I was actually reading a BLACK LIBRARY BOOk, written by a professional author... Damn thats good! :) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Straxus Posted July 4, 2006 Share Posted July 4, 2006 I agree with Arbites. :) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Callas Posted July 4, 2006 Share Posted July 4, 2006 Rubbish: So far it's better then 3/4's of the dross coming out of the BL. I love Weiss' attitude - you can't fix the machine if you are the machine. Very irreverent but very practical. A world away from the hidebound AM and just the type of independence an Inquisitor would look for. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chaplain Odin Posted July 6, 2006 Author Share Posted July 6, 2006 for a moment there, I thought I was actually reading a BLACK LIBRARY BOOk, written by a professional author... Damn thats good! :blush: Thanks! I'm glad you're enjoying the story so far. It's good to know that there's interest in this. Rubbish: So far it's better then 3/4's of the dross coming out of the BL. I love Weiss' attitude - you can't fix the machine if you are the machine. Very irreverent but very practical. A world away from the hidebound AM and just the type of independence an Inquisitor would look for. Another amazing comment. I'm pleased that Weiss' attitude came through and that, at least on some level, his character fits. As I mentioned earlier, this story is my first attempt at actually building believable characters. Feedback like this helps me figure out whether or not I'm at least partially succeeding. Updated Chapter 2. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
st.germaine Posted July 6, 2006 Share Posted July 6, 2006 I have to agree with the other comments. This is a very good read and I'm looking forward to seeing the rest of it. I just finished the first of the Soul Drinker books and had to work through the last quarter of the book even though I love space marines. There was more character in the first two chapters of your story than the whole book. I look forward to see what you do with the plot. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Santoro Posted July 6, 2006 Share Posted July 6, 2006 post some more stuff quick plx :lol: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Veht Posted July 6, 2006 Share Posted July 6, 2006 http://www.thecatharsis.com/bc/tiny.gif T hat was excellent :lol: Keep up the good writing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Straxus Posted July 7, 2006 Share Posted July 7, 2006 As mentioned in another thread concerning 40k slang, your characters seem "real" to me because they talk the way I'd expect "real" people to talk. It's not excessive, but enough to bridge the gap. That's a good balance to maintain. ;) Funny that I'd start reading these now. My own "renegade" marines have a lot in common with Dovator. I actually picked up the DH Codex to see what kind of radical inquisitor options might make for fun allies, even before I read your stories. :lol: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chaplain Odin Posted July 8, 2006 Author Share Posted July 8, 2006 Funny that I'd start reading these now. My own "renegade" marines have a lot in common with Dovator. I actually picked up the DH Codex to see what kind of radical inquisitor options might make for fun allies, even before I read your stories. B) Interesting to hear I'm not the only one with this kind of idea. Maybe we should create a new faction of the Inquisition: we've got Thorians, why not Dovatorians? :o I'm glad people are enjoying this. Chapter 2 has been updated again and is now complete. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
diabloelmo Posted July 11, 2006 Share Posted July 11, 2006 I havn't gotten around to checking this story on fanfiction.net yet, how is the story comming along? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chaplain Odin Posted July 11, 2006 Author Share Posted July 11, 2006 I havn't gotten around to checking this story on fanfiction.net yet, how is the story comming along? I completed Chapter 3 (posted on fanfiction.net) and I've started writing Chapter 4. Unfortunately, I've hit a wall. I'm roughly half way through Chapter 4, but nothing's coming out right. Hopefully, I can find some inspiration somewhere soon, and get the chapter done. I'll start posting Chapter 3 here shortly. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chaplain Odin Posted July 11, 2006 Author Share Posted July 11, 2006 Updates are probably going to be spaced out a little more from now on. I don't want to end up posting everything I have before I manage to get anything new written. Last time I did that, my story faded away into the deep, dark recesses of the forum, never to be seen again (until now of course!). Enough of my rambling, enjoy the next chapter! ---------------------- Chapter 3 Lucia hated everything about the man holding her. The smell of his rotting flesh burned her nostrils. His impossibly tight grip, restricting her movement, infuriated her. And the way he kept sniffing at her hair and licking the side of her face made her sick to her stomach. The psyker could see Kraken a few metres in front of her, determined to complete his mission, even if it cost him his life. She could count five cultists, all armed, and knew that all it would take is one lucky shot, and the unarmoured Kraken would be dead. There was no choice now, Lucia realized. She would have to take her chances and use her powers. She could still remember the first time she had used them. It was two years ago, on her home world. She had just returned to her village after spending the day out in the country side. The sun had set a while ago, but the lanterns that lined the main road had not yet been lit. A man had come out of the shadows and grabbed her from behind, dragging her into a nearby alley. Lucia had tried to scream for help, but the man had covered her mouth with his hand as he forced himself on her. And then it had happened. Lucia had reached out with her mind, and she was able to see inside her attacker Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Callas Posted July 11, 2006 Share Posted July 11, 2006 This just gets better and better - keep going Chaplain! :) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
diabloelmo Posted July 12, 2006 Share Posted July 12, 2006 Hopefully, I can find some inspiration somewhere soon *holds bolt pistol to the head* inspired? lol. This is probably the best story running in the warhammer section of fanfiction.net, not to mention a fair few other categories as well. so, keep up the good work....the Emperor demands no less!!! lol Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Straxus Posted July 13, 2006 Share Posted July 13, 2006 Chapter 3's a good 'un, boss... ;) ...though I was expecting some sort of descriptive flavor on the psyker trying to pull her power from the warp, while shadowy things tried to force their way in and through. :blink: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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