Ferrata Posted July 21, 2006 Share Posted July 21, 2006 I wrote this about a month ago, but for some reason or another I didn't get around to post it. I thought I would share the fun with you :unsure: Comments are welcomed. ++ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BloodGore Posted July 25, 2006 Share Posted July 25, 2006 wow! Truely amazing, I love you writing style Ferrata This is compareable to Horus Rising "Yes it is!!" :tu: If any of you disagree with me your a 'greenskin!' There is 'one' error I picked up, just a spelling mistake at the start, and that alone is very good Acacius should join the World Eaters, love the name by the way Thanks Ferrata, for the best read today, no, this week, yep, this month This Months W40K fluff writing award goes to... Ferrata! *Galactic cheer for Ferrata, from Terra to the Warp* Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chaplain Odin Posted July 25, 2006 Share Posted July 25, 2006 Good stuff! :P The way you described Acacius losing it was pretty graphic. I especially like how you handled him seeing Sanguinius: seeing what was happening, hearing what was said like it was coming from his own mouth but not. Very cool. I think this sentance pulled me out of the action a bit: The traitor had long since been dead, thus the loss of his jaw was followed by no screams. I think it was fairly clear by that point that the traitor was very much dead. Having it stated in such a way just doesn't sit right (with me anyway). On a side note, I wonder if it would be better to end the story with Acacius' death. I remember hearing that all marines who fall to the rage die after battle. I'm not really sure if their injuries catch up with them or they're killed by their brother marines because they're beyond saving, so it may not be appropriate here. If it's a side-effect of the Black Rage, then I think it would fit nicely and could add a lot to the emotional impact of the story on the reader. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
retlaw83 Posted August 31, 2006 Share Posted August 31, 2006 <DELETED BY THE INQUISITION>, dude. They should have contracted you to write False Gods. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Captain Marcus Posted January 17, 2007 Share Posted January 17, 2007 Very good! Far better than what I wrote! Bravo! :lol: :lol: However, in his hallucination Sanguinius was killed by having his neck broken... The terrible snap of a neck breaking echoed across the room, the noise bringing a tear to the Emperor Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ferrata Posted January 17, 2007 Author Share Posted January 17, 2007 Artistic Licence? I just felt the neck snapping seemed a little more dramatic, I could have had him slashed down by the claw, but meh... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Grand Master SFDRF Posted January 18, 2007 Share Posted January 18, 2007 MORE MORE MORE Yeah i dont know what this Black rage thing is but hey, good story none the less Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ferrata Posted January 19, 2007 Author Share Posted January 19, 2007 The Black Rage is a condition that the Blood Angels suffer from, along with any chapter who share their gene-seed. The death of Sang. at the hands of Horus left a terrible impact on the genetics the chapter. Due to the rituals required for the Blood Angel gene-seed to take (the drinking of the blood of Sang) each member inherits some of this memory. It times of high emotional stress (on the eve of battle usually), marines may fall to the Rage. The basically lose control and urge to revenege their fallen father. And thanks :D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Grand Master SFDRF Posted January 20, 2007 Share Posted January 20, 2007 didnt think it was that simple Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chief L. Rome Posted May 1, 2008 Share Posted May 1, 2008 Good portrait of sanguinius. My only concern is, why is Acacius fighting a 1 on 1 fight? Where's the rest of the squad? And the traitor? Who was he? No Marine, good or bad would be alone except there either in charge, MC, or a patrol gone awry. Good story asides that! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BlueWaterDragon Posted May 1, 2008 Share Posted May 1, 2008 Maybe he doesn't realise that anyone else is there. Nice writing, needs some editing 4 paragraphs from the bottom down to the last line. Aside for that I think it's a great depiction of a terrible thing. Well Done!! :D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ferrata Posted May 1, 2008 Author Share Posted May 1, 2008 Yeah, I never fixed all the errors in it with the change in language pack. Lucky for me, the guys in the Librarium did here. Good portrait of sanguinius. My only concern is, why is Acacius fighting a 1 on 1 fight? Where's the rest of the squad? And the traitor? Who was he? No Marine, good or bad would be alone except there either in charge, MC, or a patrol gone awry. Questions never thought of for the good of the story. Why was he alone? Well, maybe they were clearing out a building and he was told to empty a corridor. The old AoD's were all 1 v 1's, so it just worked. Sometimes the bigger picture is ignored for a good story. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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