Brother Renn Posted August 1, 2006 Share Posted August 1, 2006 Here is a story I wrote back before "the Fall". Since we now have a dedicated fiction section, I thought I would post it for everyone to read. Enjoy. Commisar Marten walked through the ranks of the imperial soldiers. His bolt pistol was grasped firmly in his right hand and the power glove encasing his left crackled with energy. He glared at the men around him; it was his duty to see that their faith and trust in the Emperor did not waver. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ArbitesAugmented Posted August 1, 2006 Share Posted August 1, 2006 that was very good for a short story, but try not to focus on the guard too much, because this thread could get melta'd. The commissar was good, pity... A quick point to raise: soldiers of Cadia should be called Cadian's, not Cardasians... Very good though! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Monkey Garage Posted August 1, 2006 Share Posted August 1, 2006 I liked it, but I felt the battle was too cliche. The story played out as expected. Some of the imagery was very good. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chaplain Odin Posted August 1, 2006 Share Posted August 1, 2006 A quick point to raise: soldiers of Cadia should be called Cadian's, not Cardasians... His guys aren't from Cadia... they're from Cardis so would be Cardisians. A couple of spelling mistakes that a reread should catch (things like 'whole' instead of 'hole'), but other than that, not bad. I want to point out that bolt rounds are explosive. In the scene where the Commisar executes one of the soldiers with his bolt pistol, he wouldn't "put a bullet through the head" of the man. He would blow the man's head clean off. The same idea can be extended to the parts later on: the bolt shells impacting the barracade should be exploding, ripping holes in the fortifications. Aside from that, I agree with Monkey Garage. You could see the ending coming from a mile away, but it was still enjoyable. Especially when that guardsman is turned into a blob! :ph34r: Good mental image, that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bombax Posted August 1, 2006 Share Posted August 1, 2006 I remember this from before....its good, if a bit predictable. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brother Renn Posted August 3, 2006 Author Share Posted August 3, 2006 Thanks for the comments. I'm glad that you all enjoyed it, even if you found it "predictable". I'll work on adding a little more mystery into future stories. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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