Veteran Sergeant Amadeus Posted August 5, 2006 Share Posted August 5, 2006 Good day, brothers I wrote this some time ago and likewise posted it here but have been unable to continue the story. I was wondering if i should add something to the beginning to lead up to what I'm about to show you. Comments and critique are most welcome along with any ideas to continue the story in some way. Amadeus ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Unhappy Duty Drooling, snarling and charging with an insatiable bloodlust. Creatures with no compassion or mercy, no love or hate for the humans they were closing in on. Nothing, nothing but an overwhelming desire to spill the blood of any living thing. Humans, Eldar, Tau, they were all the same to the ravenous legion of hungry mutants, just food to be harvested. A squad of 20 Imperial Guardsmen, lead by a grizzled Commissar had completed a makeshift defensive perimeter only moments before the mutants, countless thousands of them, came over the hill. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chaplain Odin Posted August 6, 2006 Share Posted August 6, 2006 I think I've seen this before. I don't think there's any need to add anything before that. I always find that starting a story in the middle of some action grabs the readers attention. You may want to go into detail about what started the conflict on this world in a flash back, as I it sounds like the Space Marines were there for at least part of the fighting. Alternately, the flash back could come via the Inquisitor, if you choose the have him as the focus of your story instead of the marine captain. One thing that I found very strange while reading through this is your choice of words. In many places, it seems like you're trying to be too discriptive. Things like "slicing great, gaping lacerations through flesh" and "Jasque Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Callas Posted August 25, 2006 Share Posted August 25, 2006 Perhaps have the Marine throw a little scare into the =I=? Ordering his men to 'Allow the Inquisitor to board his vessel and depart, but make sure he clearly knows what it would mean to cross us again.' After all, this is a Marine ship the =I= is on and trying to leave. Nothing rough. Just perhaps a squad or two in full armour lining a corridor so that he has to walk down inbetween them all to get to his shuttle. Giant blank figures that he has to pass. Quiet, polite, but oh so intimidating. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
T14 Posted August 27, 2006 Share Posted August 27, 2006 that was a good read. thanks :devil: I would suggest changing the commisar to a normal IG officer, as my understanding of commisars is that they are diehard unemotional critters. his persona fits an imbedded officer or sarge much more than an attached fanatic with a heart of stone and nerves of steel. and I think flamer fuel is called prometheum (sp?) rather than gasoline in wh40k. cheers -T14 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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