IA: The Red Lords

[Ace Debonair]

and no price is above payment to destroy the heretic.

 

It's usually “no cost is too great” :lol

 

Are you advocating that I change this bit or not? :lol:

 

What is known for certain is that Red Lords who are not killed in battle age quicker in comparison to other astartes, and many have also been known to die significantly younger than in many other chapters.

 

Flowers for Algernon problems? If you ever make a story for these guys, I'd like to see how the Marines look at this. How do they age? Are they relics like Iacton Qruze? Are they venerable like Dante?

 

Not bad Ace, I'm really warming up to the Chapter. They're a little vague at some points, and I would recommend plugging the IA into a word document to find some spelling mistakes.

 

Happy Birthday again, sorry I couldn't respond yesterday, midterms and all that fun stuff to study for :lol: .

 

I don't actually get the reference. They get old quicker than other chapters, with all the detriments that come with old age, and therefore are more prone to being killed.

 

Plenty of good points KHK, well made as always. Suddenly my writing doesn't seem quite as polished as I remembered it. :cuss

I'll edit the chapter later, as sadly I've got to go out now.

 

Good luck with the fun stuff. :D

[Donkey Kong]

Are you advocating that I change this bit or not? wacko.gif

 

Yes. Make no mistake, I don't condone originality, but something like this is like using a common saying wrong, ie "piece of pie" instead of "piece of cake".

 

I don't actually get the reference.

 

You, good sir, must read Flowers for Algernon. Now.

 

To make sense of the reference, the main character, Charlie Gordon, is mentally ill. He goes through a number of medical procedures that leave him Einstein level genius (in a matter of months, if not weeks). After a short period of time as a genius, he loses everything he gained the the surgery and becomes mentally ill again (and it can be inferred he dies because of his mental recession).

 

Similarly, the Red Lords make bigger Space Marines, but their bodies weaken quicker because of it.

[Ferrus Manus]

To make sense of the reference, the main character, Charlie Gordon, is mentally ill. He goes through a number of medical procedures that leave him Einstein level genius (in a matter of months, if not weeks). After a short period of time as a genius, he loses everything he gained the the surgery and becomes mentally ill again (and it can be inferred he dies because of his mental recession).

 

Similarly, the Red Lords make bigger Space Marines, but their bodies weaken quicker because of it.

I like this, and think it works better than the ageing quicker idea. Simply cause age is irrelevant when you take warp travel into account. In Flight of the Einstein, for example, Garro and Qruze argue who is older. But they can't determine the answer due to the amount of time they have both spent in the a warp over 200 years. If you can see where I'm coming from.

[Ace Debonair]

Are you advocating that I change this bit or not? wacko.gif

 

Yes. Make no mistake, I don't condone originality, but something like this is like using a common saying wrong, ie "piece of pie" instead of "piece of cake".

 

 

You disapprove of originality? :P

 

What have you done with the real KHK? ;)

 

Alright then I've made all the neccessary edits to my IA, I think.

 

Any further criticism from any corner or standpoint will be hugely appreciated.

 

The weakening-over-time deal was exactly what I wanted from the aging, and apparently failed to say at length. :lol:

[Ace Debonair]

Well, I've left it for nearly a month, and I can't see anything that looks wrong or stupid.

I suspect that my superb ability to be blinded to my own mistakes might be coming into play, however. :P

 

So with that in mind, if anyone wants to help the Red Lords (and me) smite any and all impurities from this IA, It'll be much appreciated. :wub:

 

All opinions, criticism, ideas and musings welcomed and encouraged. ;)

[Grey Hunter Ydalir]

Well I didn't notice this chapter till now and I am much dissapointed at my own lack of vigilance! I like these guys Ace!

 

There was only one part that jumped out at me as not jibing with the rest of the article though.

 

Another tactic adopted by the Red Lords is simply rapidly surrounding an enemy force, as though out of nowhere, and offering them the chance to surrender.

 

After such harsh treatment of even ambiguous loyalties earlier in the origins this just doesn't strike me as part of their character. They may as well gun them down rather than take them into prisoner camps. Just doesn't feel right to me. Especially when you follow it up with:

 

Whilst the Red Lords strive to preserve humanity, the Red Lords will purge cities down to the bedrock if a heretic is said to shelter there.

 

I'm also quite suprised these guys don't follow the ecclesiarchichal line, rather than a traditional Astartes chapter cult. Worship of the Emperor seems more logical for their way of thinking to me, but then it doesn't really matter that much to be honest.

 

What is also known for certain is that Red Lords above the age of about a hundred years seem to grow steadily weaker over time, and many others have also been known to die of natural causes at a younger age than in many other chapters.

 

Last I knew, no one knew if Astartes could die of natural causes at all, which is one of the reasons I was always a little nonplussed why in every BA codex they said that BA live longer than normal astartes, when there is no known astartes death of natural causes. The average age estimates are usually just how long a marine survives several lifetimes of constant warfare.

 

Oh and if I've retread over ground already covered I apologise but it's 11am and I haven't slept yet. It's not an excuse just an explanation for brain deficiencies caused by sleep deprivation. :)

 

These guys are great Ace!

[Ace Debonair]

Well I didn't notice this chapter till now and I am much dissapointed at my own lack of vigilance! I like these guys Ace!

The Red Lords have been busy purifying page 6 for a while. :P

As you can see they have returned.

 

 

There was only one part that jumped out at me as not jibing with the rest of the article though.

 

Another tactic adopted by the Red Lords is simply rapidly surrounding an enemy force, as though out of nowhere, and offering them the chance to surrender.

 

After such harsh treatment of even ambiguous loyalties earlier in the origins this just doesn't strike me as part of their character. They may as well gun them down rather than take them into prisoner camps. Just doesn't feel right to me. Especially when you follow it up with:

 

Whilst the Red Lords strive to preserve humanity, the Red Lords will purge cities down to the bedrock if a heretic is said to shelter there.

 

Er... good one. Perhaps if I changed it to "giving them one minute to surrender"?

 

I'm also quite suprised these guys don't follow the ecclesiarchichal line, rather than a traditional Astartes chapter cult. Worship of the Emperor seems more logical for their way of thinking to me, but then it doesn't really matter that much to be honest.

 

I'll be honest, I think it works better if they don't. But if any of my chapters did worship The Emperor as a God, it'd probably have to be the Red Lords.

 

What is also known for certain is that Red Lords above the age of about a hundred years seem to grow steadily weaker over time, and many others have also been known to die of natural causes at a younger age than in many other chapters.

 

Last I knew, no one knew if Astartes could die of natural causes at all, which is one of the reasons I was always a little nonplussed why in every BA codex they said that BA live longer than normal astartes, when there is no known astartes death of natural causes. The average age estimates are usually just how long a marine survives several lifetimes of constant warfare.

 

Bah, curse my lack of reading material. Would it be more appropriate to just say 'Red Lords that live to be over a hundred sometimes die of natural causes' or words to that effect?

 

Oh and if I've retread over ground already covered I apologise but it's 11am and I haven't slept yet. It's not an excuse just an explanation for brain deficiencies caused by sleep deprivation. :P

A pain I know all too well...

These guys are great Ace!

Hey, thanks. It just goes to show, work at almost any idea for six months (and keep changing anything that doesn't fit) and sooner or later you get something worth reading. :tu:

[Octavulg]

A tactical marine of the Red Lords 6th Company. The Chapter's emblem is that of a gold-coloured eagle wearing a three-spiked crown - a twin symbol of both the noblity of their calling and the Chapter's devotion to the Emperor.

 

Stick it in a caption, for thus shall it move out of the way, and the text shall be better-highlighted.

 

[captionright="TEXT"]IMAGE[/captionright]

 

Should work, with the obvious subsitutions.

 

The Red Lords were created in the Tenth Founding, proud bearers of the gene-seed of Corax, and lead by Ervard Brodin, former Captain of the Raven Guard's Second Company. They were immediately sent to the Rucio System to ward off possible corruption of that region by the forces of Chaos. The Red Lords were utterly determined to transform the Rucio system into a perfect incorruptible sanctuary amidst the darkness, and resolved that no one would escape their judgement. Even the slightest of heretical infractions would find no forgiveness.

 

Why were they determined to do so?

 

Cestelion should have been the jewel of the Rucio system, a devout paradise which dedicated it's every action to The Emperor. But when they arrived, all the Red Lords could see about them was evidence of treachery. Shrines to Zecnat littered the cities and towns. Cultists roamed the streets unafraid, sporting the cult's insignia brazenly. The Governor-General was confronted by Ervard Brodin before the city's magnificent temple to The Emperor, and accused of allowing heresy to fester. The Red Lords stated simply that either all trace of Zecnat would be purged from the capital by sundown, or the entire city would be reduced to ash and rubble. The Red Lords pulled back from the city, and watched the gates intently. They made certain that nobody was able to enter the city or more importantly, to leave it.

 

I'd call him Chapter Master Brodin over Ervard, to subtly remind us why that name is so familiar. :P

 

By the time Chapter Master Brodin was slain in battle many years later, his replacement, Orvain Corwell, realised the only true bastion against the predations of chaos were the Astartes. And even they, as the Red Lords were aware, could be fallible. From that time onwards, the Red Lords percieved themselves protectors of a fragile, foolish species. Corwell decided that if the Space Marines were all that stood against chaos's domination, the fall of an Astartes not only weakened the chapter, it weakened the Emperor's grip on the Imperium - which was unacceptable. The new leader of the Red Lords vowed to do everything in their power to minimize losses in battle, and his men quickly became extremely reliant on artillery strikes - from orbit or from the surface of a planet - to all but destroy an enemy force before closing for the kill. Only the few miserable beings that survived the explosive barrages would earn the glory of dying at the hands of an Astartes. Corwell's dedication to purity was absolute - banning celebration days from his chapter and insisting on at least two hours of every day spent in solitary meditation for every marine. Although Corwell died in battle long ago, the edicts he made whilst in charge have been enforced by chapter masters ever since.

 

Decided, not realised. IAs are generally fairly neutral, and realised implies Corwell is right.

 

Mention the length of Corwell's tenure. Perhaps the belief could be more than just him - he might be its most fervent practitioner, but if the whole chapter had come to believe it it would not be impossible. Something about how years of cleansing cults and treachery from the dark corners of the Imperium had worn down the Red Lords' willingness to believe in mankind.

 

The population of Cestelion have learned to both revere and fear the Red Lords. Those who fail the chapter's intermittent purity checks are never seen again, and those who pass such tests are mind-wiped. There are literally thousands of rumours and stories whispered about the chapter - but not too loudly, lest the Red Lords hear them and deem the words impure. When the Red Lords come to recruit, however, the people of Cestelion organize competitions, under the instructions of the chapter, to see which chlidren are most worthy of being recruited. After the Red Lords leave with the best available recruits, the population is permitted to celebrate modestly, and the Astartes and their new recruits return to their fortress monastery. The Fortress Monastery, known as the Red Crown, lies deep in the mountains. Only the Red Lords know it's precise location, and new recruits are transported there sedated, leaving them in the heart of unknown lands when they awake.

 

Steady on. Mindwiping is fun, and all, but my impression has always been that it's rather...traumatizing. I don't think regular applications to the population would have results other than mass dementia.

 

Of course, if you want that, awesome. Play it up. :P

 

The Red Lords believe themselves the sole guardians against the lures of Chaos. Key amongst the chapters beliefs is a reverence of the Emperor and the loyal Primarchs; recongized as heroes whose purity allowed them to resist the ruinous powers, irrespective of the cost to themselves. The Red Lords are fiercely proud of Corax, Primarch of the Raven Gaurd, as it is from this genetic line that they descend.

 

Here, you must say why. Why do they feel this way? Give us detail on this belief, because the belief basically is the Chapter, and you need to sell it as thoroughly as you can.

 

Descended from the genetic line of Corax, the Red Lords take fierce pride in their heritage, even if their battle tactics do not reflect those favoured by their Primarch. The Red Lords know that Corax compromised his geneseed to bring his legion back up to fighting strength - but they see it as the lesson which he left them. Purity must be paramount - any other choice can have far-flung and devastating consequences. Corruption must always be met with extermination, and no cost is too great to destroy utterly the heretic.

 

Actually...why wouldn't they be all sneakyish at times? Suits the whole "indirect" thing...

 

A notable detail since Corwell's rise to power is the unusual physical size of the Red Lords. The Red Lords are noted by authorities to be tall and powerfully built, even for Astartes, and there are dark rumors of terrible genetic experiments by apothecaries on a mission to create the perfect, incorruptible marine. What is also known for certain is that Red Lords above the age of about a hundred years seem to grow steadily weaker over time, and many others have also been known to die of natural causes at a younger age than in many other chapters.

 

Needless. Much like all my chapters' overabundance of Terminator armor, trying to explain it just makes you seem like a newbie who wants to justify the AWESOME!.

 

* * *

 

Damn good. They're something of a one-note chapter, of course, and that's fine. But you need to further explain that note. Explain the whys and hows of their beliefs on purity, impurity, etc.

 

Also, how do they feel about the debatable purity of the Raven Guard genetics? And why wouldn't they lean toward RG tactics, since can be rather indirect and thus lower risk?

 

t just goes to show, work at almost any idea for six months (and keep changing anything that doesn't fit) and sooner or later you get something worth reading. laugh.gif

 

You know, spreading my secret process all over the forums is hardly going to make me happy. ;)

[Dark Apostle Thirst]

t just goes to show, work at almost any idea for six months (and keep changing anything that doesn't fit) and sooner or later you get something worth reading. laugh.gif

 

You know, spreading my secret process all over the forums is hardly going to make me happy. :D

 

Your secret process? Hehehehehehe.....

[Ace Debonair]

Hey, thanks for taking another look at these guys.

 

A tactical marine of the Red Lords 6th Company. The Chapter's emblem is that of a gold-coloured eagle wearing a three-spiked crown - a twin symbol of both the noblity of their calling and the Chapter's devotion to the Emperor.

 

Stick it in a caption, for thus shall it move out of the way, and the text shall be better-highlighted.

 

[captionright="TEXT"]IMAGE[/captionright]

 

Should work, with the obvious subsitutions.

Ok, done that, after some hectic trial and error.

The Red Lords were created in the Tenth Founding, proud bearers of the gene-seed of Corax, and lead by Ervard Brodin, former Captain of the Raven Guard's Second Company. They were immediately sent to the Rucio System to ward off possible corruption of that region by the forces of Chaos. The Red Lords were utterly determined to transform the Rucio system into a perfect incorruptible sanctuary amidst the darkness, and resolved that no one would escape their judgement. Even the slightest of heretical infractions would find no forgiveness.

 

Why were they determined to do so?

I've highlighted the sentence that I thought explained this. It's their first mission, so like any other Astartes they really throw themselves at it to prove they are worthy.

I suddenly suspect I should add what I've just written. :)

 

 

I'd call him Chapter Master Brodin over Ervard, to subtly remind us why that name is so familiar. ;)

 

Decided, not realised. IAs are generally fairly neutral, and realised implies Corwell is right.

 

Mention the length of Corwell's tenure. Perhaps the belief could be more than just him - he might be its most fervent practitioner, but if the whole chapter had come to believe it it would not be impossible. Something about how years of cleansing cults and treachery from the dark corners of the Imperium had worn down the Red Lords' willingness to believe in mankind.

 

Ok, done. In the case of the last one, probably done badly, but done.

 

 

 

Steady on. Mindwiping is fun, and all, but my impression has always been that it's rather...traumatizing. I don't think regular applications to the population would have results other than mass dementia.

 

Of course, if you want that, awesome. Play it up.

What can I say? The Red Lords are not nice to people.

I'm starting to think that everyone other than Astartes in the Imperium should be slightly scared of the Red Lords, but that will be hard to pul off and might be better left implied rather than said.

 

The Red Lords believe themselves the sole guardians against the lures of Chaos. Key amongst the chapters beliefs is a reverence of the Emperor and the loyal Primarchs; recongized as heroes whose purity allowed them to resist the ruinous powers, irrespective of the cost to themselves. The Red Lords are fiercely proud of Corax, Primarch of the Raven Gaurd, as it is from this genetic line that they descend.

 

Here, you must say why. Why do they feel this way? Give us detail on this belief, because the belief basically is the Chapter, and you need to sell it as thoroughly as you can.

 

Added a line or two about this. I think it looks a bit more solid.

 

Actually...why wouldn't they be all sneakyish at times? Suits the whole "indirect" thing...

I'm working on this. I just need a good reason why the Red Lords would see all the sneaking about as impure whilst not deliberately insulting the name of the Raven Guard.

 

A notable detail since Corwell's rise to power is the unusual physical size of the Red Lords. The Red Lords are noted by authorities to be tall and powerfully built, even for Astartes, and there are dark rumors of terrible genetic experiments by apothecaries on a mission to create the perfect, incorruptible marine. What is also known for certain is that Red Lords above the age of about a hundred years seem to grow steadily weaker over time, and many others have also been known to die of natural causes at a younger age than in many other chapters.

 

Needless. Much like all my chapters' overabundance of Terminator armor, trying to explain it just makes you seem like a newbie who wants to justify the AWESOME!.

 

Well, I added that to answer KingHongKong's call for genetic modification. Truth is, I can't write that and make it look believable, so I've scrapped it for now. I'm fairly please it lasted this long without drawing harsher comments.

 

Damn good. They're something of a one-note chapter, of course, and that's fine. But you need to further explain that note. Explain the whys and hows of their beliefs on purity, impurity, etc.

 

Also, how do they feel about the debatable purity of the Raven Guard genetics? And why wouldn't they lean toward RG tactics, since can be rather indirect and thus lower risk?

Thanks! I'm still working out bits and pieces in my head, and I have to admit, my focus is on the Stonebound right at this minute. What is tough is that every RG successor faces the same recruitment problem as the RG, so they're obliged to use the sneakiness factor. I think that stubbornly staying where people can see them and intimidation are more of this chapter's focus than stealth, but making it sound believable is much harder than it looks.

 

Added a bit about the RG gene-purity issue. It (hopefully) makes them seem slightly hypocritical, as that's much cooler than them having pure geneseed and doing everything for the right reasons.

 

t just goes to show, work at almost any idea for six months (and keep changing anything that doesn't fit) and sooner or later you get something worth reading. laugh.gif

 

You know, spreading my secret process all over the forums is hardly going to make me happy. ;)

 

My apologies. I didn't realise the secret jar of wisdom in which it was kept had your name on it!

Although the fact that it was hidden in your kitchen lends weight to that, I suppose.

[Octavulg]

I've highlighted the sentence that I thought explained this. It's their first mission, so like any other Astartes they really throw themselves at it to prove they are worthy.

I suddenly suspect I should add what I've just written. laugh.gif

 

To this, I must reply with that most versatile, yet wholly appropriate of statements.

 

Indeed.

 

Ok, done. In the case of the last one, probably done badly, but done.

 

Sorry, should have been clearer what I was getting at - I think it would be good if the Red Lords had become more and more embittered about the population over Brodin's tenure. Corwell is just the most...fervent of them. As is, there's a little too much Strong Unitary Figure.

 

Also, why is he a sidebar? He's kinda the natural continuation of their Origins - you could give him his own section. IAs do that - there's usually a second section that's basically "Not Quite Origins But Still Stuff".

 

What can I say? The Red Lords are not nice to people.

I'm starting to think that everyone other than Astartes in the Imperium should be slightly scared of the Red Lords, but that will be hard to pul off and might be better left implied rather than said.

 

I find them a little creepy, myself. :D

 

Added a line or two about this. I think it looks a bit more solid.

 

Much so. I'd say ideally you should have another paragraph or two - this is an important section.

 

I'm working on this. I just need a good reason why the Red Lords would see all the sneaking about as impure whilst not deliberately insulting the name of the Raven Guard.

 

Simple - Chaos does it. Make too many compromises, adopt too many underhanded methods, and you might start thinking as they do. Impurity!

 

Thanks! I'm still working out bits and pieces in my head, and I have to admit, my focus is on the Stonebound right at this minute. What is tough is that every RG successor faces the same recruitment problem as the RG, so they're obliged to use the sneakiness factor. I think that stubbornly staying where people can see them and intimidation are more of this chapter's focus than stealth, but making it sound believable is much harder than it looks.

 

Added a bit about the RG gene-purity issue. It (hopefully) makes them seem slightly hypocritical, as that's much cooler than them having pure geneseed and doing everything for the right reasons.

 

It's nice.

 

I'll get to the Stonebound sooner or later. :lol:

 

My apologies. I didn't realise the secret jar of wisdom in which it was kept had your name on it! tongue.gif

Although the fact that it was hidden in your kitchen lends weight to that, I suppose. laugh.gif

 

It's the silent-qs in the actual spelling of Octavulg. Throws people.

[Donkey Kong]

Ace, I haven't the slightest clue what edits you've made to the IA, but I will tear through it once again all the same.

 

Early History

 

They were immediately sent to the Rucio System to ward off possible corruption of that region by the forces of Chaos.

 

This sentence sort of infringes on the sovereignty of the marines. They can go there willingly, they can't be ordered there by any Imperial body. So, “They immediately went to the Rucio System to ward off the threat of corruption by the forces of Chaos.” shows the willingness and hastiness of addressing Chaos.

 

The Red Lords were utterly determined to transform the Rucio system into a perfect incorruptible sanctuary amidst the darkness, and resolved that no one would escape their judgement. Even the slightest of heretical infractions would find no forgiveness.

 

Comma between perfect and incorruptible, and “perfect” is very vague in this sense, perhaps just leaving it at incorruptible?

 

They began their purge of the Rucio System at Venicia, the outermost planet. Though no overt Chaotic influences were found, the worship of the Emperor had grown to include a being known as Zecnat, Lord of Immortality. The Chapter noted this obvious heresy, and brutally purged all traces of Zecnat's worship from the planet, from worshippers to temples. They moved on through the system, and at each world found more heretics than the last. All met the same fate, much to the concern of Rucio's Governor-General, who grew increasingly nervous as the implacable marines approached his palace on Cestelion, the paramount planet of Rucio.

 

They quickly found that a large portion, perhaps even the majority,

 

This just reads so poorly, “they found a large portion of the population had rebelled” simplifies it, I think.

 

- one heretic at a time, if needs be.

 

Unnecessary, also orbital batteries don't usually kill enemies “one at a time” :P

 

Homeworld

 

under the instructions of the chapter, to see which chlidren are most worthy of being recruited.

 

spelling error

 

After the Red Lords leave with the best available recruits, the population is permitted to celebrate modestly, and the Astartes and their new recruits return to their fortress monastery. The Fortress Monastery, known as the Red Crown, lies deep in the mountains. Only the Red Lords know it's precise location, and new recruits are transported there sedated, leaving them in the heart of unknown lands when they awake.

 

The Red Lords are also careful not to get too close to the planets of the Rucio system and it's inhabitants,

 

I think this one is a little sloppy, suggestion: “The Red Lords are careful to distance themselves from mortal men, knowing the uprising on Cestelion could easily happen again.”

 

Combat Doctrine

 

recognizing it as an effective way to clear up enemy forces once the firepower breaks them,

 

“Clear up” is a little informal, I think even something like “exterminate” would fit better.

 

Another tactic adopted by the Red Lords is simply rapidly surrounding an enemy force, as though out of nowhere, and offering them one minute to surrender. Often the chapter will devastate cultist chapels or headquarters with artillery or other firepower to add weight to the offer. Those that surrender and renounce their heretical ways are then inducted briefly into prisoner camps and sent to join the Emperor and seek salvation at His side.

 

1. I think “one minute” should be replaced with “mere minutes”, sixty seconds doesn't give time for much, but watching your chapels crumble in those several minutes of horror are sure to sway a few minds.

 

2. I don't even see the point of prisoner camps, I think you should just leave it at all out genocide.

 

Organization

 

Nothing to really comment on here.

 

If you're going to keep further genetic enhancement, I think a line about the importance of Apothecaries would be fitting. In retrospect, the idea that enhancement leads to decreased lifespan would be frowned upon in a Chapter with already slow recruitment rates.

 

Also, I think a Chapter which already has so much pride would have an especially prudent First Company.

 

 

Beliefs

 

Again, nothing to say, really.

 

Geneseed

 

Spelling error: “Gene-seed”

 

Octavulg

 

Needless. Much like all my chapters' overabundance of Terminator armor, trying to explain it just makes you seem like a newbie who wants to justify the AWESOME!.

 

When I originally proposed the idea to Ace I intended something more in line with the Emperor's Children mentality of achieving perfection.

 

I personally think that having a high and mighty Chapter rely on apothecaries for something of the like is walking the fine gray line that makes the 40k universe the dreary world that it is.

[Ace Debonair]

Right then, back to work.

 

I've incorporated a number of the proposed changes, but there's a couple I'm having trouble with.

 

KHK:

Also, I think a Chapter which already has so much pride would have an especially prudent First Company.

I'm not sure what you mean by that. Prudent as in reserved and hanging back from the fight?

 

When I originally proposed the idea to Ace I intended something more in line with the Emperor's Children mentality of achieving perfection.

 

I personally think that having a high and mighty Chapter rely on apothecaries for something of the like is walking the fine gray line that makes the 40k universe the dreary world that it is.

 

Well, I'm stumped. I haven't got any idea how to pull it off without it sounding like "my marines are better than yours" :lol:

I think I might just have to have whispers about genetic experimentation but no visible proof of the results, if I put this back in at all.

 

Octavulg:

Much so. I'd say ideally you should have another paragraph or two - this is an important section.

 

It is pretty central to the character of the Red Lords, it's true. However, I haven't the faintest notion on how to expand it. What do you think is missing from this section?

 

Other than that, both of you can consider your suggested changes applied immediately. ;)

Thanks again for looking through the IA, guys.

[Dosjetka]

(...)although marines from the ninth and tenth companies still bear their company's number.

If your Chapter prefers artillery strikes, wouldn't they also use Devastators more? If that's the case, wouldn't it be bad if the ninth company is under-strength?

[Captain Juan Juarez]

The Red Lords were created in the Tenth Founding...

- Petty, i know, but "in the" should be "during".

 

They immediately went to the Rucio System to ward off possible corruption of that region by the forces of Chaos.

- Um.. Didn't they need to build up the Chapter first?

 

Eager to prove themselves in their first mission, The Red Lords were utterly determined to transform the ..

- Lose the comma.

 

They began their purge of the Rucio System at Venicia, the outermost planet. Though no overt Chaotic influences were found, the worship of the Emperor had grown to include a being known as Zecnat, Lord of Immortality

- Sounds better thusly:

 

"They began their purge of the Rucio System at Venicia, the outermost planet, and though no overt Chaotic influences were found, worship of the Emperor had grown to include a being known as Zecnat, Lord of Immortality."

 

The Chapter noted this obvious heresy, and brutally purged all traces of Zecnat's worship from the planet, from worshippers to temples.

- Why note it, why not just go straight to the brutal purging? Also, no need for the comma.

 

They moved on through the system, and at each world found more heretics than the last.

- Again, comma.

 

their artillery reduce the capital to rubble and ash, the bodies of loyalist and traitor alike destroyed utterly beneath the pitiful remains of the city

- Not a comma, try a ';' (cant remember the name! :P)

 

that chaos..

- Chaos.

 

Couple of large blocks of text with sentence after sentence.. try aline break once in a while :P

 

Various capitalizations, like Chapter.

 

in a way infrequently relied on amongst

- "upon" rather than "on", methinks.

 

Unlike their parent chapter, the Raven Guard, the Red Lords seldom rely on stealth other than to pinpoint loacations for artillery attacks, postulating that deceit and trickery are the domains of Chaos, and no good can come from the imitation of such tactics.

- You've just said the Raven Guard are of Chaos; read that aloud ;)

[Ace Debonair]

They immediately went to the Rucio System to ward off possible corruption of that region by the forces of Chaos.

- Um.. Didn't they need to build up the Chapter first?

It seems a bit redundant to add that they waited around a bit first, I thought.

 

Eager to prove themselves in their first mission, The Red Lords were utterly determined to transform the ..

- Lose the comma.

Read that whole sentence without taking a breath, then tell me to lose the comma again. :tu:

 

The Chapter noted this obvious heresy, and brutally purged all traces of Zecnat's worship from the planet, from worshippers to temples.

- Why note it, why not just go straight to the brutal purging? Also, no need for the comma.

Aha, well, it's meant to be 'noticed' rather than 'noted'. Also the mental image of a Red Lord space marine with a clipboard, ticking a box marked 'obvious heresy' is an enduring one.

 

They moved on through the system, and at each world found more heretics than the last.

- Again, comma.

My sentences are long enough without purging the commas, man! But, I did re-word this one slightly. :D

 

their artillery reduce the capital to rubble and ash, the bodies of loyalist and traitor alike destroyed utterly beneath the pitiful remains of the city

- Not a comma, try a ';' (cant remember the name! :P)

A semi-colon, you say? Good idea.

 

Couple of large blocks of text with sentence after sentence.. try aline break once in a while ;)

Where do you mean?

 

Unlike their parent chapter, the Raven Guard, the Red Lords seldom rely on stealth other than to pinpoint loacations for artillery attacks, postulating that deceit and trickery are the domains of Chaos, and no good can come from the imitation of such tactics.

- You've just said the Raven Guard are of Chaos; read that aloud :P

Right on. Er. Drat. Consider that altered, along with all the changes you suggested that I haven't adressed in this post.

[Captain Juan Juarez]

It seems a bit redundant to add that they waited around a bit first, I thought.

- Aye, but its the use of 'immdiately'.

 

Read that whole sentence without taking a breath, then tell me to lose the comma again.

- Read it aloud already, hence why I said lose it ;)

 

Also the mental image of a Red Lord space marine with a clipboard, ticking a box marked 'obvious heresy' is an enduring one.

That is pure quality!

 

My sentences are long enough without purging the commas, man! But, I did re-word this one slightly.

- Well, satisfy my writing style and I won't have to purge - Does that make the Ordos Comma?

 

A semi-colon, you say? Good idea.

- thats the blighter!

 

Where do you mean?

 

- Follows:

Though the planet of Cestelion was almost completely purged, a few colonies of people who followed only the Emperor's truth remained. The same can be said of many planets in the Rucio system - here and there small colonies consisting solely of those found to be pure enough by the Red Lords cling to survival. It is from these colonies that the new recruits of the Red Lords are now drawn. Cestelion was a civilized world, with large, isolated cities. Between these are thick forests, rugged mountains, tundras and deserts, marking the planet as a superb site for the Red Lords to train new recruits. The native Cestelions, like many other surviving people in the Rucio System are a fairly hardy breed, made hardier by the stark reality of having to hunt for food and resources, since the destruction of most of the industrial cities by the Red Lords themselves when purging the System. These practices, along with the close monitoring of the planets by the Red Lords for signs of impurity, make the Rucio System an ideal ground from which to draw young recruits. However, the number of recruits who successfully complete the training is relatively small, thanks in part to the diminished populations of their native worlds. This is compounded by the fact that the Red Lords are exceedingly thorough in their selection of potential members. The tests run by the chapter last upwards of two years in total before a potential member is even inducted into the scout marines.

 

The population of Cestelion have learned to both revere and fear the Red Lords. Those who fail the chapter's intermittent purity checks are never seen again, and those who pass such tests are mind-wiped. There are literally thousands of rumours and stories whispered about the chapter - but not too loudly, lest the Red Lords hear them and deem the words impure. When the Red Lords come to recruit, however, the people of Cestelion organize competitions, under the instructions of the chapter, to see which children are most worthy of being recruited. After the Red Lords leave with the best available recruits, the population is permitted to celebrate modestly, and the Astartes and their new recruits return to their fortress monastery. The Fortress Monastery, known as the Red Crown, lies deep in the mountains. Only the Red Lords know it's precise location, and new recruits are transported there sedated, leaving them in the heart of unknown lands when they awake.

- Each sentence follows on from the last, there MUST be areas where you could tap enter and go to the next line to break it up - I won't suggest where as Sigismund Himself has pointed out that my writing style can be a little.. off.. when it comes to IAs.

 

Right on. Er. Drat. Consider that altered, along with all the changes you suggested that I haven't adressed in this post.

I live to point out your inadequacies.. ;)

[Ace Debonair]

It seems a bit redundant to add that they waited around a bit first, I thought.

- Aye, but its the use of 'immdiately'.

That's because immediately after reaching full strength, that's where they went. I guess I could put that in, actually. ;)

 

 

Read that whole sentence without taking a breath, then tell me to lose the comma again.

- Read it aloud already, hence why I said lose it ;)

 

Right. So, you prefer:

 

'Eager to prove themselves in their first mission the Red Lords were utterly determined to transform the Rucio system into an incorruptible sanctuary amidst the darkness.'

 

Now that is a lot to say in one breath, don't you think?

 

 

Right on. Er. Drat. Consider that altered, along with all the changes you suggested that I haven't adressed in this post.

I live to point out your inadequacies.. ;)

 

Then I'll make sure to have plenty of them so you're kept busy. ;)

 

Battle Brother Ludovic, I just spotted your post. I don't know how i missed it, honestly. A lack of devastators might be a problem, sure enough. But the Red Lords don't really use them any more than they do the assault marines - they're there to do the leftover killing after the Whirlwinds or orbital batteries have finished smiting the area.

 

Well spotted, though. I hadn't even thought about the 'Lords being effected in that way. :lol:

[Captain Juan Juarez]

That's because immediately after reaching full strength, that's where they went. I guess I could put that in, actually.

- See! See!

 

 

Right. So, you prefer:

 

'Eager to prove themselves in their first mission the Red Lords were utterly determined to transform the Rucio system into an incorruptible sanctuary amidst the darkness.'

 

Now that is a lot to say in one breath, don't you think?

- Nope, I think it works...

 

 

Then I'll make sure to have plenty of them so you're kept busy.

- Not too many, don't want to be swamped! ;)

[Ace Debonair]

You now have more colour schemes to evaluate in your IA. ;)

 

This has nothing to do with you apparently having better lungs than mine and being able to pronounce epic sentences such as this one without having to pause for breath.

 

I've changed the 'immediately' bit, but I'm going to have to hold my ground on that comma for the good of all people without your super-power. ;)

[Captain Juan Juarez]

You now have more colour schemes to evaluate in your IA. :lol:

 

This has nothing to do with you apparently having better lungs than mine and being able to pronounce epic sentences such as this one without having to pause for breath.

 

I've changed the 'immediately' bit, but I'm going to have to hold my ground on that comma for the good of all people without your super-power. ;)

 

I describe my superpower with the following sentence: "I was reading Tom Clancy at 8 years old."

But, as the Grand Master of the Ordo Comma I hereby declare you Ex.. No I don't, as I can't spell it! ;)

 

I've seen the schemes and left you a comment in my IA :lol:

[Grey Hunter Ydalir]

Well with artillery favouritism in chapters I always frown and shake my head.

 

Simply for the fact that artillery is one of the true 'slugging match' weapon systems used by static military forces, rather than the more refined, needle like pressure of the special forces.

 

Not only that but Space Marines typically only have access to Whirlwinds. Now I do like whirlwinds don't get me wrong, but my fluff imaginings of them have always suffered at the hands of their usefulness on the tabletop (not much) compared to any of your other choices for Heavy Support.

 

Now bear in mind I am always the first one to trumpet the fact that the tabletop should never dictate the fluff, but this association has sat with me for a long time and is hard to shake but I am keeping in mind the context in which it's being used here, don't worry.

 

One thing that I want to know is... why? Just what drove them to change their entire combat doctrine so heavily to favour whirlwinds?

 

A good example is the battle of Monte Cassino in Italy during WW2. The abbey of Monte Cassino (linked twice for redundancy ;)) was bombed and shelled into rubble multiple times to very little effect other than creating more rubble from which the germans were able to defend with just as deadly efficiency as before the building were destroyed, if not more.

 

Artillery and other area-of-effect bombardment didn't do all that much and while admitedly Imperial tech in 40k is of a much greater destructive nature than that used in WW2, Space Marines do not have the top-tier of the available tech for these types of weapon systems.

 

It also isn't really affecting the character of the chapter much at all. My advice, personally, is to either try to entwine it with their way of thinking a bit more completely or drop it all together.

[Ace Debonair]

Two very good reasons that I can think of, although one is more of a personal reason.

 

Firstly, I see it as a good weapon for intimidation and panic-causing. The casual use of much artillery to shell everything into annihilation before even closing to bolter range also conveys a certain degree of arrogance, which I think sits well with the Red Lords.

 

Second, I always like to give my chapters at least one quirk for combat. The Infinity Knights focus on Dreadnoughts as killing-blow units, the Stonebound favour riding into melee on bikes or in rhinos, and the Red Lords prefer to sit back and shell the poor saps they're fighting. :)

[Captain Juan Juarez]

If the Red Lords were a small Chapter, recovering from some great loss, then you could work that into the theme... Reluctant to close distance unless aboslutely needed, lest the Chapter die out.

[Ace Debonair]

True. I did mention they'd lost two companies' worth of marines, and their recruitment rates are slow. Oh wait, I just found the line in the IA explaining the artillery usage.

 

The new leader of the Red Lords vowed to do everything in their power to minimize losses in battle, and his men quickly became extremely reliant on artillery strikes - from orbit or from the surface of a planet - to all but destroy an enemy force before closing for the kill. Only the few miserable beings that survived the explosive barrages would earn the glory of dying at the hands of an Astartes.