IA: The Red Lords

[Ace Debonair]

Well anyway, I updated these guys before the Stonebound.

 

So much less hassle. :D

 

Any and all shades of opinion on anything abot the Red Lords warmly welcomed! :tu:

[Ace Debonair]

Just when you thought it was safe to be heretical... :P

 

I thought I'd bring these guys back since their last incarnation drew no comments.

They have a shiny new picture and plenty of stuff that nobody's ripped apart yet. Be the first! :o

[Imperialis_Dominatus]

Pretty awesome origins section. Think more deeply on the impact of that, though. I see you've incorporated that into your Chapter's recruitment rate and how they're viewed by their subjects, but there are organizations in the Imperium that have the power to critique Astartes. Including other Astartes. While your Chapter may simply stare at them in contempt, this will have political consequences that will affect your Chapter whether they care or not.

 

I still think there's a great deal of cognitive dissonance between their disdain for stealth and their veneration for their Primarch. Perhaps if you couched their disdain in less harsh terms (i.e., Chaos, the Great Enemy) it would be less jarring.

 

I think the quote on the geneseed is a little too reminiscent of the Imperial Fists one. Maybe reword it a bit more.

 

Flesh out the smaller sections more. I dunno how, that's always the bloody hard part.

 

I like the arrogance. Keep at it.

[Ace Debonair]

Pretty awesome origins section. Think more deeply on the impact of that, though. I see you've incorporated that into your Chapter's recruitment rate and how they're viewed by their subjects, but there are organizations in the Imperium that have the power to critique Astartes. Including other Astartes. While your Chapter may simply stare at them in contempt, this will have political consequences that will affect your Chapter whether they care or not.

 

I still think there's a great deal of cognitive dissonance between their disdain for stealth and their veneration for their Primarch. Perhaps if you couched their disdain in less harsh terms (i.e., Chaos, the Great Enemy) it would be less jarring.

 

Fair point. I'll have another good think about this and see if I can write it better.

 

I think the quote on the geneseed is a little too reminiscent of the Imperial Fists one. Maybe reword it a bit more.

Ahaha, that might be a bit tricky, as I don't actually know what the quote you're referring to is. I'm going to guess it's out of one of the codexes, though. (I don't own any of them, you see)

 

Flesh out the smaller sections more. I dunno how, that's always the bloody hard part.

 

I like the arrogance. Keep at it.

 

Ah, well I'll just fill the smaller sections with more arrogance. :lol:

Being serious though, coming up with more stuff is downright difficult for some sections. I'll see if I have any good ideas over the next few days. ;)

 

EDIT:

Before I forget, thanks for taking the time to have a read! :D

[Imperialis_Dominatus]

"Do we bemoan such losses? No! We are the Fists! We do not hibernate or spit venom, We crush our enemies." -some Imperial Fist

[Ace Debonair]

"Do we bemoan such losses? No! We are the Fists! We do not hibernate or spit venom, We crush our enemies." -some Imperial Fist

 

Thanks! Dratted Imperial Fists, stealing my idea before I had it...

 

I'll think up something to replace my quote with in time for the next update. :P

[Ace Debonair]

Here we go again! :D

 

I've done far too much criticizing recently to not give everyone another opportunity to be the bowling-ball. ;)

 

Honestly, I've stared at this IA for so long I can no longger tell what I've updated and haven't updated. :)

Apart from several glaring spelling mistakes, including names of characters, which I think are now totally absent.

 

I'll think up something to replace my quote with in time for the next update. :P

Before anyone says it, it did not take me this long to come up with an alternative quote for the gene-seed section. :P

Any rumors to the contrary should be categorized as a minor heresy and reported to the nearest inquisitor.

 

 

So to get to the point, I encourage you to have a look for faults in post #1, and take this opportunity for critical vengeance! :P

[Grey Hunter Ydalir]

Before anyone jumps in with axe in hand, do you have any thoughts yourself as to what you'd change? I'd rather not go critiquing something you're already in a mind to change, as I'd like to hear your thoughts first to see whether they match my own.

 

That said, I probably won't be doing any critiquing right now, it's far too late (early in the morning, but I prefer to think of it as universally 'late') for me to do any coherent work. It's been so long since I saw these guys up here I think I have to call the Threadomancy branch of the Inquisition for an investigation. I'd almost forgotten what they looked like!

[Ace Debonair]

Before anyone jumps in with axe in hand, do you have any thoughts yourself as to what you'd change? I'd rather not go critiquing something you're already in a mind to change, as I'd like to hear your thoughts first to see whether they match my own.

Hey, come on now.

If I didn't agree with something, it'd hardly be in there in the first place. :P

 

And I honestly, I am no longer sure what needs editing - I think staring at these guys and the Stonebound all year have blinded me to most of the errors. :)

 

 

That said, I probably won't be doing any critiquing right now, it's far too late (early in the morning, but I prefer to think of it as universally 'late') for me to do any coherent work. It's been so long since I saw these guys up here I think I have to call the Threadomancy branch of the Inquisition for an investigation. I'd almost forgotten what they looked like!

I've already been in touch with the Inquisition. I do not want to talk about the paperwork I had to do to get this back on page 1. :P

 

The Red Lords do enjoy falling off the planet once in a while, mostly to catch the heretics unaware when they come back.

Take all the time you need - I certainly did in bringing these guys back. :P

 

EDIT: They're Red, for anyone else who'd forgotten. :D

[Grey Hunter Ydalir]

The Red Lords were created during the Tenth Founding, proud bearers of the gene-seed of Corax, and lead by Ervard Brodin, former Captain of the Raven Guard's Second Company. As soon as the Chapter reached full strength, the Red Lords went immediately to the Rucio System to ward off possible corruption of that region by the forces of Chaos. Eager to prove themselves in their first mission, the Red Lords were utterly determined to transform the Rucio system into an incorruptible sanctuary amidst the darkness. The Chapter resolved that no one would escape their judgement - even the slightest of heretical infractions would find no forgiveness.

 

If I may, I think this particular bit feels rushed. Like you're trying to get somewhere far too quickly. The way I read it feels just like when someone is explaining something far too fast and you're only catching just enough to get the gist of what's being said, rather than being told the whole story.

 

The emboldened part is making me curious. Just why did they choose that particular method to prove themselves? I admit it's not the worst way to get started at all, it's just there is no reasoning for it. The Raven Guard aren't the most fanatically devoted to the incorruptible any more than most chapters are, they are simply very into staying in the shadows. What prompted this very overt, bold behavior?

[Ace Debonair]

The Red Lords were created during the Tenth Founding, proud bearers of the gene-seed of Corax, and lead by Ervard Brodin, former Captain of the Raven Guard's Second Company. As soon as the Chapter reached full strength, the Red Lords went immediately to the Rucio System to ward off possible corruption of that region by the forces of Chaos. Eager to prove themselves in their first mission, the Red Lords were utterly determined to transform the Rucio system into an incorruptible sanctuary amidst the darkness. The Chapter resolved that no one would escape their judgement - even the slightest of heretical infractions would find no forgiveness.

 

If I may, I think this particular bit feels rushed. Like you're trying to get somewhere far too quickly. The way I read it feels just like when someone is explaining something far too fast and you're only catching just enough to get the gist of what's being said, rather than being told the whole story.

 

Bah, I can't see the wood for the trees anymore. What do you think is missing/needs expanding?

 

The emboldened part is making me curious. Just why did they choose that particular method to prove themselves? I admit it's not the worst way to get started at all, it's just there is no reasoning for it. The Raven Guard aren't the most fanatically devoted to the incorruptible any more than most chapters are, they are simply very into staying in the shadows. What prompted this very overt, bold behavior?

 

Good question.

I'm not sure what would initially prompt them to be so bold - overconfidence, maybe?

The thing being, since they're astartes, they could back it up, and the attitude could stick. ;)

 

Hmm. I'll try and think up something better over the weekend.

 

Although, if that's all that's wrong with these guys, I might be getting somewhere.

On the other hand, every time I think like that, someone finds another mistake. :)

[Grey Hunter Ydalir]

Although, if that's all that's wrong with these guys, I might be getting somewhere.

On the other hand, every time I think like that, someone finds another mistake.

 

Oh I'm not done yet laddie, just you wait. ;)

 

Honestly in the entire first section, only the bit I highlighted really comes across as overly rushed. The next paragraph it bleeds off and the entire lot following on from it settles down nicely and paces well, showing the character of the Red Lords in an example of just how far they are willing to go.

 

If you can't see the wood for the trees, maybe you need an axe. Or even better, a chainsaw.

 

The Chapter propounds the theory that excess deceit and trickery are too close to the domains of Chaos, and that without Corax himself to oversee such conduct, the constant imitation of such tactics bear risk to the soul.

 

Just how did they come to this conclusion? I imagine it would tie in with what I asked for justification with earlier, though I'd like to hear just what.

 

Another tactic adopted by the Red Lords is simply rapidly surrounding an enemy force, as though out of nowhere, and offering them mere minutes to surrender. Often the chapter will devastate cultist chapels or headquarters with artillery or other firepower to add weight to the offer. Those that surrender and renounce their heretical ways are then inducted briefly into prisoner camps and sent to join the Emperor and seek salvation at His side. These privileges are never extended to xenos enemies, as by their very birth they are impure and unworthy.

 

To be frank, out of everything I've read so far this is the weakest part. It just doesn't hold up to everything else in the article and feels completely out of character for a chapter that is willing to simply obliterate whoever and whatever they consider to be corrupt. Why offer any enemy that chooses to actually fight them when in their opening introduction they annihilate an entire city of cultists and actual loyalists?

 

"If a thousand civilian lives must be wasted so that a heretic dies, then that is simply the will of The Emperor." Chapter Master Orvain Corwell.

 

Eh, by his justification in his own second sentence here, those civilians lives wouldn't be a waste so why describe them as such? Just niggles at me.

[Ace Debonair]

Honestly in the entire first section, only the bit I highlighted really comes across as overly rushed. The next paragraph it bleeds off and the entire lot following on from it settles down nicely and paces well, showing the character of the Red Lords in an example of just how far they are willing to go.

 

If you can't see the wood for the trees, maybe you need an axe. Or even better, a chainsaw.

 

Or go for gold and grab a chainaxe? :P

 

I could add in the origins something about a particualrly zealous training cadre and the chapter being founded to counteract a series of nasty uprisings near the Rucio sector, perhaps? Would that do it?

 

The Chapter propounds the theory that excess deceit and trickery are too close to the domains of Chaos, and that without Corax himself to oversee such conduct, the constant imitation of such tactics bear risk to the soul.

 

Just how did they come to this conclusion? I imagine it would tie in with what I asked for justification with earlier, though I'd like to hear just what.

 

They came to that conclusion because I needed a way to justify all the whirlwinds! The only real link to that mindset is the insidious cult the Red Lords deal in their first mission, but perhaps that's a shade on the subtle/understated side. I'll add in a bit about facing likewise insidious, secretive cults in nearby sectors in the early days.

 

Another tactic adopted by the Red Lords is simply rapidly surrounding an enemy force, as though out of nowhere, and offering them mere minutes to surrender. Often the chapter will devastate cultist chapels or headquarters with artillery or other firepower to add weight to the offer. Those that surrender and renounce their heretical ways are then inducted briefly into prisoner camps and sent to join the Emperor and seek salvation at His side. These privileges are never extended to xenos enemies, as by their very birth they are impure and unworthy.

 

To be frank, out of everything I've read so far this is the weakest part. It just doesn't hold up to everything else in the article and feels completely out of character for a chapter that is willing to simply obliterate whoever and whatever they consider to be corrupt. Why offer any enemy that chooses to actually fight them when in their opening introduction they annihilate an entire city of cultists and actual loyalists?

 

It's a relic of the old days, what can I say? :lol:

The implication is that they offer them false treaty and then kill 'em all once they've lowered their guns, but perhaps I should either just say it rather than hint at it or drop the whole thing.

I don't know which would be better.

 

"If a thousand civilian lives must be wasted so that a heretic dies, then that is simply the will of The Emperor." Chapter Master Orvain Corwell.

 

Eh, by his justification in his own second sentence here, those civilians lives wouldn't be a waste so why describe them as such? Just niggles at me.

 

The reasoning is simple: I hadn't thought of that. ^_^

I'll pen in something more... suitable in the next update.

 

Thanks for the review, GHY.

If you spot anything else that needs sorting, feel free to take me to task over it.

 

That goes for anyone else too!

[Brother Argent]

Your like a damned tyranid. Just when you thought they were dead and gone (after subitable orbital bombardment) they pop back up again.

 

I haven't ever really properly read through the Red Lords. Have no doubt that when I stop procrastinating (thus when the Big E gets of his throne and does a jig) I'll have a go at getting itno this.

[Ace Debonair]

Your like a damned tyranid. Just when you thought they were dead and gone (after subitable orbital bombardment) they pop back up again.

 

I haven't ever really properly read through the Red Lords. Have no doubt that when I stop procrastinating (thus when the Big E gets of his throne and does a jig) I'll have a go at getting itno this.

 

More like a gritty yet charismatic marine who doesn't know when to stay dead. ;)

 

I'd better go tie strings to the Emperor and make him dance, then. :lol:

[Grey Hunter Ydalir]

It's a relic of the old days, what can I say?

The implication is that they offer them false treaty and then kill 'em all once they've lowered their guns, but perhaps I should either just say it rather than hint at it or drop the whole thing.

I don't know which would be better.

 

The implication I understand well enough my friend. What I'm saying is that it seems overly cruel and mercurial from such a brutal and uncompromising chapter. The two don't jibe well together here.

[Ace Debonair]

It's a relic of the old days, what can I say?

The implication is that they offer them false treaty and then kill 'em all once they've lowered their guns, but perhaps I should either just say it rather than hint at it or drop the whole thing.

I don't know which would be better.

 

The implication I understand well enough my friend. What I'm saying is that it seems overly cruel and mercurial from such a brutal and uncompromising chapter. The two don't jibe well together here.

 

I suppose so.

There's enough material to suggest the... unpleasant... nature of the Red Lords anyway. <_<

 

I'll sort this out after the weekend - but feel free to pick on any other bits that don't fit in the meantime! :teehee:

[Octavulg]

I do this to demonstrate that I actually do like some IAs. Honest. :)

 

Purity, Wisdom and Valour: The Red Lords

 

Wisdom!? Valor?!

 

Not grimdark enough! Where's the blood and the flame?

 

"Death by our holy bolters is a glory unbecoming of these traitors. Have the Whirlwinds reduce their hiding place to ash, Sergeant. Deny them that honour." - Chapter Master Orvain Corwell.

 

I don't like this quote, but I'm not entirely sure how to improve it.

 

Why yes, it is difficult being this helpful. Thank you for asking.

 

"Out of the grip of heresy will rise a new land, one free of repulsive Chaos. That is the task before us, and the Emperor bids us begin." First Chapter Master Ervard Brodin on the arrival of the Red Lords at the Rucio System.

 

Land? Poor choice of term for this. I'd lean toward world, or realm, or paradise, even.

 

Cestelion should have been the jewel of the Rucio system, a devout paradise which dedicated it's every action to The Emperor. But when they arrived, all the Red Lords could see about them was evidence of treachery. Shrines to Zecnat littered the cities and towns. Cultists roamed the streets unafraid, sporting the cult's insignia brazenly. The Governor-General was confronted by Chapter Master Brodin before the city's magnificent temple to The Emperor, and accused of allowing heresy to fester. The Red Lords stated simply that either all trace of Zecnat would be purged from the capital by sundown, or the entire city would be reduced to ash and rubble. The Red Lords pulled back from the city, and watched the gates intently. They made certain that nobody was able to enter the city or more importantly, to leave it.

 

You didn't explain Zecnat yet.

 

"Either all days are holy, or none are. Either way, we must remain vigilant. There is no time for feasting or celebrations whilst impurity exists." Chapter Master Corwell on banning the annual celebrations held on the day the founding of the chapter.

 

I still think you should call him Dorvell instead. :)

 

By the time Chapter Master Brodin was slain in battle many years later, it had long been decided his replacement would be First Company Captain Orvain Corwell. Corwell was considered the 'voice' of a large faction within the Red Lords who were embittered with the failure of humanity to fight Chaos. With this rise to power, he exercised his extraodinary charisma, winning all but a handful of the chapter completely to his ideals. Corwell decided the only true bastion against the predations of chaos were the Astartes. And even they, as the Red Lords were aware, could be fallible. From that time onwards, the Red Lords percieved themselves protectors of a fragile, foolish species. Corwell decided that if the Space Marines were all that stood against chaos's domination, the fall of an Astartes not only weakened the chapter, it weakened the Emperor's grip on the Imperium - which was unacceptable. The new leader of the Red Lords vowed to do everything in their power to minimize losses in battle, and his men quickly altered their strategies to mostly include artillery strikes - from orbit or from the surface of a planet - to all but destroy an enemy force before closing for the kill. Only the few miserable beings that survived the explosive barrages would earn the glory of dying at the hands of an Astartes. Corwell's dedication to purity was absolute - banning celebration days from his chapter and insisting on at least two hours of every day spent in solitary meditation for every marine. It is a testament to his charisma and fervour that he was able to convince the chapter that his way was the only way. Many scholars assert that by this time the majority of Red Lords had lost faith in humanity and were easy to steer, though the truth of this is uncertain. In any case, even though Corwell died in battle one hundred and ten years after his rise to power, the edicts he made whilst in charge have been enforced by chapter masters ever since.

 

Elaborate more on their embitterment. In fact, this whole section seems to be very important - it might be worth expanding.

 

You have a bit of a problem here. He's too obviously Cromwell. And nobody likes Cromwell. It may have something to do with the way that he's a hypocritical bastard. Hard to say. I'd recommend concealing it a little more.

 

"While meditating today, I remembered the place I came from. I remembered how the people quaked with fear at the thought of the Red Lords. To them, we are nought but distant, merciless angels." Seventh company Sergeant Ulthur Gatlock.

 

And what does that mean, man! You set up a beautiful chance to make them look like utter bastards, and then you step away. But instead of "and so they should", we get "oh, they're REALLY scared of us". More scary! More grimdark! More bastardy!

 

The Red Lords often choose to fight in a way infrequently relied upon amongst Astartes, preferring sustained artillery attacks to cripple an enemy before closing to finish the attack against their targets. The infantry of the Red Lords pride themselves on patience and marksmanship, and many of the veteran marines have also spent much time in the chapter's Whirlwinds at one stage or another in their lives. The Red Lords have not forsaken close combat, recognizing it as an effective way to eradicate enemy forces once the firepower breaks them, but it is by no means the specialty of the chapter. Unlike their parent chapter, the Raven Guard, the Red Lords seldom rely on stealth other than to pinpoint loacations for artillery attacks. The Chapter propounds the theory that excess deceit and trickery are too close to the domains of Chaos, and that without Corax himself to oversee such conduct, the constant imitation of such tactics bear risk to the soul.

 

Explain, perhaps, how they came to these conclusions.

 

The Red Lords are a codex adherent chapter when at full strength. However, nearly constant conflict and a slow recruitment rate have drained the available number of marines in the chapter, and presently they have numbers enough to operate eight functional companies rather than ten - although marines from the ninth and tenth companies still bear their company's number. The number of Whirlwinds in the chapter is larger than average, thanks to some ceremonial exchanges of armour with other chapters, allowing each of the active companies to deploy more artillery. It is sometimes speculated by scholars that the heavy use of hypno-conditioning on the chapter's recruits has taken it's toll on the Red Lords' ability to react quickly as a force. The unifying factor in almost all of the Chapter's defeats is the use of enemy stealth and surprise attacks. Ironically, many of these same scholars postulate that if the Red Lords chose to follow closer to the footsteps of their parent chapter, many of these losses could have been avoided.

 

Expand! Explore! Add nuance and grimdark! You've got a solid core - now develop it.

 

"If a thousand civilian lives must be wasted so that a heretic dies, then that is simply the will of The Emperor." Chapter Master Orvain Corwell.

 

Like the man said, if the heretic dies, then they're not wasted.

 

* * *

 

It's fine. But there needs to be more. Tell us more about them. Explore their beliefs a little more. Add little polishy touches. And for the love of god, make the Chapter Master's name a little subtler.

[Ace Debonair]

I do this to demonstrate that I actually do like some IAs. Honest. :)

 

Purity, Wisdom and Valour: The Red Lords

 

Wisdom!? Valor?!

 

Not grimdark enough! Where's the blood and the flame?

 

Well, it was meant to be something the Red Lords'd say about themselves, but wisdom and valour are now blood and fire. :lol:

 

"Death by our holy bolters is a glory unbecoming of these traitors. Have the Whirlwinds reduce their hiding place to ash, Sergeant. Deny them that honour." - Chapter Master Orvain Corwell.

 

I don't like this quote, but I'm not entirely sure how to improve it.

 

Why yes, it is difficult being this helpful. Thank you for asking.

 

I've changed it a bit, don't know if it's any better or not.

 

A vague solution to a vague problem. :P

 

Cestelion should have been the jewel of the Rucio system, a devout paradise which dedicated it's every action to The Emperor. But when they arrived, all the Red Lords could see about them was evidence of treachery. Shrines to Zecnat littered the cities and towns. Cultists roamed the streets unafraid, sporting the cult's insignia brazenly. The Governor-General was confronted by Chapter Master Brodin before the city's magnificent temple to The Emperor, and accused of allowing heresy to fester. The Red Lords stated simply that either all trace of Zecnat would be purged from the capital by sundown, or the entire city would be reduced to ash and rubble. The Red Lords pulled back from the city, and watched the gates intently. They made certain that nobody was able to enter the city or more importantly, to leave it.

 

You didn't explain Zecnat yet.

 

As a matter of fact, it's been in the paragraph above that one for a long while.

Not sure how to make it stand out more, but it's there.

 

 

Elaborate more on their embitterment. In fact, this whole section seems to be very important - it might be worth expanding.

 

I'm actually stuck on this bit, I'll explain in a minute.

 

The Red Lords often choose to fight in a way infrequently relied upon amongst Astartes, preferring sustained artillery attacks to cripple an enemy before closing to finish the attack against their targets. The infantry of the Red Lords pride themselves on patience and marksmanship, and many of the veteran marines have also spent much time in the chapter's Whirlwinds at one stage or another in their lives. The Red Lords have not forsaken close combat, recognizing it as an effective way to eradicate enemy forces once the firepower breaks them, but it is by no means the specialty of the chapter. Unlike their parent chapter, the Raven Guard, the Red Lords seldom rely on stealth other than to pinpoint loacations for artillery attacks. The Chapter propounds the theory that excess deceit and trickery are too close to the domains of Chaos, and that without Corax himself to oversee such conduct, the constant imitation of such tactics bear risk to the soul.

 

Explain, perhaps, how they came to these conclusions.

 

I've sort of tried with the latest update, although the truth is I'm not sure if I've done a good job of it or botched it.

It's looking a bit like a throwaway explanation near the start, explaining how the first chapter master was rather bold and brassy for a Raven Guard man.

 

The Red Lords are a codex adherent chapter when at full strength. However, nearly constant conflict and a slow recruitment rate have drained the available number of marines in the chapter, and presently they have numbers enough to operate eight functional companies rather than ten - although marines from the ninth and tenth companies still bear their company's number. The number of Whirlwinds in the chapter is larger than average, thanks to some ceremonial exchanges of armour with other chapters, allowing each of the active companies to deploy more artillery. It is sometimes speculated by scholars that the heavy use of hypno-conditioning on the chapter's recruits has taken it's toll on the Red Lords' ability to react quickly as a force. The unifying factor in almost all of the Chapter's defeats is the use of enemy stealth and surprise attacks. Ironically, many of these same scholars postulate that if the Red Lords chose to follow closer to the footsteps of their parent chapter, many of these losses could have been avoided.

 

Expand! Explore! Add nuance and grimdark! You've got a solid core - now develop it.

 

Honestly, I don't know which bit needs expanding, or how to go about doing so.

I am so out of practice, huh?

 

 

You have a bit of a problem here. He's too obviously Cromwell. And nobody likes Cromwell. It may have something to do with the way that he's a hypocritical bastard. Hard to say. I'd recommend concealing it a little more.

 

It's fine. But there needs to be more. Tell us more about them. Explore their beliefs a little more. Add little polishy touches. And for the love of god, make the Chapter Master's name a little subtler.

It's taken more than a year for anyone to get that reference - or at least, for anyone to say they've got that reference. :lol: That seems just about subtle enough, but I'll see if I can come up with one I like more.

 

He's a good fit for the Red Lords, though, isn't he? Arrogant, horrible bastard who nevertheless takes charge and makes sweeping changes, although in this case I doubt another raven guard will fight him to go back to the old ways.

 

So, here's my problem.

At varous times, the bit with Corwell has been recommended to be put into a sidebar, taken out of a sidebar, expanded, and cut down. :)

The idea at it's core should look like this:

 

1] Slightly bolder than usual raven guard chapter, led by slightly bolder than usual raven guard dude.

2] Charismatic but horrible horrible dude takes charge, sways the chapter towards open warfare and away from shadows

3] The Red Lords we know and love/fear/other.*

 

* I know, it doesn't really look like that yet. I'll work on that later, I don't have the time to finish editing it yet.

 

Now I don't know if that'll work or not. I hope so, because the Red Lords have basically spent the entire time built up around this idea, even if I articulated it poorly.

I'm torn between leaving in a sidebar because sidebars look good, or taking it out of the sidebar because he's pretty damn integral to the Red Lords, and should probably get his own section.

 

Opinions on this point will be gratefully recieved, because I am frankly stumped. :sweat:

[Ace Debonair]

So, it turns out I could make the time for a potential edit after all. ;)

 

Sat down and made some improvements of the 'Orvain Corwell' sidebar.

 

Still don't know if that should be a sidebar or not.

Looking at the length, probably not, but I'll let others decide that. :lol:

[Octavulg]

I've changed it a bit, don't know if it's any better or not.

 

A vague solution to a vague problem. tongue.gif

 

Well, it's not worse. :lol:

 

As a matter of fact, it's been in the paragraph above that one for a long while.

Not sure how to make it stand out more, but it's there.

 

Dear God. And I went back and checked. Twice. :S

 

I've sort of tried with the latest update, although the truth is I'm not sure if I've done a good job of it or botched it.

It's looking a bit like a throwaway explanation near the start, explaining how the first chapter master was rather bold and brassy for a Raven Guard man.

 

Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo! Don't give in to the darkness!

 

Honestly, I don't know which bit needs expanding, or how to go about doing so.

I am so out of practice, huh?

 

Well, I can't think of anything either, so who am I to talk? ;)

 

It's taken more than a year for anyone to get that reference - or at least, for anyone to say they've got that reference. laugh.gif That seems just about subtle enough, but I'll see if I can come up with one I like more.

 

I got it once you mentioned his name, back in January.

 

He's a good fit for the Red Lords, though, isn't he? Arrogant, horrible bastard who nevertheless takes charge and makes sweeping changes, although in this case I doubt another raven guard will fight him to go back to the old ways.

 

Oh, he is. He's just too obviously Cromwell. The name really hammers it home. Back it off a little and it's more subtle. Echoes of reality, instead of, well, reality wholesale.

 

Now I don't know if that'll work or not. I hope so, because the Red Lords have basically spent the entire time built up around this idea, even if I articulated it poorly.

 

That's more or less what I'm getting, actually.

 

I'm torn between leaving in a sidebar because sidebars look good, or taking it out of the sidebar because he's pretty damn integral to the Red Lords, and should probably get his own section.

 

Opinions on this point will be gratefully recieved, because I am frankly stumped. sweat.gif

 

Take him out of the sidebar. Sidebars are interjections, not integral components. I actually read it as if he were a section, and it worked fine.

[Dosjetka]

Just went through your IA again and came up with a few things :huh:

 

The Red Lords were created during the Tenth Founding with the goal of thwarting the spreading shadow of corruption in the Galactic North. THe chapter would be proud bearers of the gene-seed of Corax,

Typo.

 

the Red Lords went immediately to the Rucio System

But why?

 

The tests run by the chapter last upwards of two years in total before a potential member is even inducted into the scout marines.

Maybe replace by 10th Company? It sounds better, in my opinion and more Astartes-like.

 

There are literally thousands of rumours and stories whispered about the chapter - but not too loudly, lest the Red Lords hear them and deem the words impure.

I like this. Would like to hear a bit more about these, personally.

 

All in all, this is a great IA which I have always liked and I'll be keeping an eye on it again ;)

 

Ludovic

[Ace Debonair]

Right then, back to work. :P

 

Well, it's not worse. :P

 

Good enough for me. :lol:

 

 

I've sort of tried with the latest update, although the truth is I'm not sure if I've done a good job of it or botched it.

It's looking a bit like a throwaway explanation near the start, explaining how the first chapter master was rather bold and brassy for a Raven Guard man.

 

Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo! Don't give in to the darkness!

 

Er... did I miss something? :huh:

 

 

It's taken more than a year for anyone to get that reference - or at least, for anyone to say they've got that reference. laugh.gif That seems just about subtle enough, but I'll see if I can come up with one I like more.

 

I got it once you mentioned his name, back in January.

 

See? I had to give it away. :P

Still working on a name. How does 'Ebraim Callus' sound instead?

 

Now I don't know if that'll work or not. I hope so, because the Red Lords have basically spent the entire time built up around this idea, even if I articulated it poorly.

 

That's more or less what I'm getting, actually.

Cool, cool. I actually edited that sidebar to fit more in line with that idea. Oh, and it's not a sidebar any more. It does look rather better, and less page-consuming, in that format.

 

Just went through your IA again and came up with a few things

I fixed all the mistakes you dug up, Ludo. Well spotted, that man. ^_^

 

I like this. Would like to hear a bit more about these, personally.

 

All in all, this is a great IA which I have always liked and I'll be keeping an eye on it again

Ah, mayhaps I've found my new sidebar material. :D

I just have to come up with something suitably... dark.

 

Cheers for reading through, guys.

Anyone spot any other mistakes or bits that need improving?

[Dosjetka]

the Red Lords went immediately to the Rucio System

But why?

;)

 

I fixed all the mistakes you dug up, Ludo. Well spotted, that man. happy.gif

Most welcome Ace ^_^

Anyone spot any other mistakes or bits that need improving?

Very perfectionnist, aren't you ;)

 

Ludovic

[Octavulg]

Er... did I miss something? huh.gif

 

Their First Chapter Master Was Not Like Other People of the Chapter Who Selected Him - He Was Different...

 

See? I had to give it away. tongue.gif

Still working on a name. How does 'Ebraim Callus' sound instead?

 

Look up 'callus' in the dictionary, Ace. ;)