Steelavenger Posted October 9, 2009 Author Share Posted October 9, 2009 well, i have always believed the Emperor would be reborn as a god and want a story with it in and the primarchs... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
spjaco Posted October 9, 2009 Share Posted October 9, 2009 Now MC could decide that the codex was a guideline and that Guilleman never foresaw a threat like the Nids. Therefore a small overrun of SM in the chapter would probably be considered all well and good, but I too doubt he would ever push it as far as 8,000. If he had that many successful recruits then most likely he would begin another founding like you said Strike Captain Lysimachus. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Steelavenger Posted October 9, 2009 Author Share Posted October 9, 2009 Well i changed it to new chapters but my reasoning for 8000 was they have an ork empire near by, nids who the defeated with help from the Imperium and the Tau empire. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Steelavenger Posted October 9, 2009 Author Share Posted October 9, 2009 Chapter 5 “Is he dead?” The Emperors voice was dry yet heavy with power. Constantin Valdor’s face changed from an expression of joy to bewilderment, “Pardon my lord?” “Horus”- the Emperor spat the name-”Is he dead?” remorse crept into his voice as memories of the titanic duel flooded into his mind. “Yes sire, you vanquished him, sending his soul in to oblivion”. The Emperor strode to the top of the platform, gasps and cries of joy erupted from the assembled Custodians. The respect and loyalty the Emperor commanded didn’t shock him; he had always had it. What did shock him was this strange new found power. He was used to having abilities like no others, but this was just insane; he could feel it buzzing around his body. His warp presence, he could feel the daemons literally frying in the warp when they were not even remotely close; he could feel the damned chaos gods cringe at his warp presence, all fearing for themselves. “What have I become?” he whispered to himself. “What would you have me do sire? Shall I alert the High lords of your presence?” asked Valdor; still kneeling. “No” came the Emperors swift reply. “Should he claim back his empire? His weak and rotting Imperium? It was his fault that humanity was being destroyed, if only he had been strong enough to kill Horus at first sight, hadn’t the dead body of his son Sanguinius been enough to deliver the killing blow sooner?” At this thought a small tear fell from his left eye. His legions lay scattered and broken, his son dead or missing, this was not what he wanted. Shouldn’t he just end it all now? Destroy himself; wouldn’t mankind be better off without him? How would he end himself though? He didn’t know if it was possible now or how to. No he could not and would not be weak; he was the Emperor of mankind! He would unite mankind and help it fulfil its destiny! He would destroy the cancerous powers of chaos. “Constantin my most trusted comrade, I would like my return to remain disclosed for now. I feel in these apparent turbulent times revealing myself would do more harm than good. You are to seal off my throne room, I will then go in search of my sons” the Emperors voice trailed off on the last sentence, he gazed past Valdor. Constantin nodded, “You may get up no friend”, and following the Emperors command he did so and began to walk back to his soldiers. With that the Emperor disappeared in a cackle of purple warp energy. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cato Sicarius Posted October 9, 2009 Share Posted October 9, 2009 I so wish there was a "watch this thread" button... Oh wait, I found one! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
spjaco Posted October 10, 2009 Share Posted October 10, 2009 Oh wow, you all know where this is leading? Bet Leman and Roboute and the rest that arent certianly dead will be showing up soon! Awesome read. Keep it up! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Steelavenger Posted October 10, 2009 Author Share Posted October 10, 2009 Well, i have a way to make all the loyalists show up, it would be very ambiguous but if i write it well then it should work :rolleyes: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Steelavenger Posted October 10, 2009 Author Share Posted October 10, 2009 Chapter 6 For almost ten thousand years he has remained in stasis. His shrine said to be one of the most holy places in the vast Imperium. Built to such good and meticulous standards which are typical of the Ultramarines; that Techno-magi of the Adeptus Mechanicus come to marvel at its grandeur and structure. Within this holy edifice on a great marble throne sits Robute Guilliman; Primarch of the Ultramarines. After his fatal duel with his demonic brother Fulgrim he was wounded by a warp based poison. Knowing he was dying Guilliman instructed himself to be placed in stasis, where to this day he remains. There are some that claim that Robutes wounds are slowly healing; if this is true then he truly is a miraculous Primarch since in stasis nothing; not even time changes. Except for the humming of machines the Shrine of Guilliman remained empty. Although the Ultramarines chapter was on Macragge they were involved in fire order drills. There was a pop noise followed by a flash of purple energy. A single figure materialised dressed in long golden flowing robes. He looked at his surroundings; deep down he felt great admiration at the work of human hands; no doubt following the designs of perhaps his greatest son; Robute Guilliman. *** Awoooo! The howls echoed across the daemon world. The dark rocky planet was home to Magnus and his Thousand sons. The skies were in turmoil, a sea of colours, shifting from blues, to purples and reds; just like their master Tzeentch; the changer of ways. Towers littered the lava infested plains, all twisted and perverse mockeries of the City of Light that once existed on Prospero. However there is one tower that dominates the landscape; known as The Tower of the Cyclops. This is where the daemon Primarch Magnus resides. At the top of the tower is a great glowing eye, much like Magnus’s red one; it gazes all around the landscape and into the warp, allowing its master to know what is happening and to sense powerful arcane items. More wolf howls pierced the silence, as unseen figures darted towards the Tower of the Cyclops. Thirty or so figures emerged from the shadows of a nearby hill; one how ever was evidently larger than the rest; who still were big. Each resembled a wolf more than a man, their hair was all greasy and unkempt, their beards not far off too. Each had a wild look in their eyes, with claws instead of fingers. The roaring of bike engines joined the Wulfens howls, as a dozen bikers emerged from the left flank. There was pop and a flash of purple as a huge warrior, totems and runes bedecked his grey terminator amour. In his left hand he held a huge frost sword and on his left wrist was a storm bolter. “My Lord, do you wish to attack now?” the Rune Priests voice was deep and fraught with authority. The tallest figure looked at him and nodded, as one the throng of Space Wolves charged. *** Azrael walked down the dark, damp corridors underneath the Rock. He had traversed these corridors many times; watchers in the Dark milled about the place, one followed Azrael carrying as ever the Lion Helm. He knew where he was going, to the cell located in deepest bowls of the Rock, where the cell of Luther was located. Luther was despised by the Dark Angles it had bee him who had turned against Lion El Johnson and his legions, the one who had committed treason against the Emperor and for which now the Dark Angels now seek atonement and forgiveness. Luther’s cell was one of many in the Rock, each contained members of the Fallen, most of which refused to repent for their sins. Luther’ cell was protected by many powerful psychic wards and made from adamantium. He was chained the far wall which was the bare rock of the Rock. He was emaciated, after millennia of mall nourishment, his hair and beard were unkempt, his eyes red and wild. He never spoke but, instead he rants and raves, claiming only the Lion could make him repent and that the day of atonement and the Lions return was near. However Supreme Grand Master Azrael puts this down to Luther’ crazed and tainted mind. Azrael entered the cell; it only had one flaming torch for light and as suck Luther was hidden in the dark recesses of the cell. The only sign he was there was the clanking of his chains and his moved. “Ssso you have come to seek my atonement again?” Luther cackled, his voice portraying his unhinged mind. “You will be made to repent in the name of the Lion and the Emperor!” came Azrael’s stern reply. The chains in which Luther was clad strained as Luther lent in to the light, revealing his hideous and crazed expressional face, “Only the Lion can make me repent! Even now he returns! You are foolish to think other wise! Oh Lion, forgive me, oh how I was a fool! Luther began to sob as the memories of his actions filtered in to his mind. “Even now, the Emperor stirs, once more walking in this life! Oh how joyous it is, to have both Fathers amongst us!” Luther continued. Azrael back handed Luther “Your lies will have no impact upon me traitor!” with that Azrael turned to leave. “They’re among us foool!” Luther’ mad ravings filled the air even as Azrael left the cell. Even as Azrael was returning to the Rocks surface, deep in unseen and un traversed corridors figures lurked. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cato Sicarius Posted October 10, 2009 Share Posted October 10, 2009 Awesome. Just brilliant. I still can't quite see where it's going, but I have a vague idea of what's going to happen with my limited 40k knowledge. Well done! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Steelavenger Posted October 10, 2009 Author Share Posted October 10, 2009 Thanks, i am going to add another chapter soon, maybe one with some fighting! :) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Steelavenger Posted October 10, 2009 Author Share Posted October 10, 2009 Chapter 7 Magnus peered through the orb in front of him, using his enhanced psychic to scan the surrounding area. A giant red eye formed atop the Tower of the Cyclops, it began to rotate. Russ looked up and growled, “With me my sons!” Russ voice boomed across the night sky. Bike engines revved in reply and the Wulfen howled in the prospect of slaughtering their arch nemeses; the Thousand Sons. Magnus looked through his viewing orb; the face of his broth Russ greeted him. Sighing he teleported, he knew he must face his brother, a conflict he didn’t want. The noise of bike engines and the pounding of armoured boots filled Magnus’s ears, his vision filled with the sight of space Wolves and their Primarch; Leman Russ. Magnus appeared in a haze of blue smoke. Reacting instantly Russ leapt forward swinging his frost axe at Magnus’s head. Russ’s attack never hit home, using his foul sorceries he had created a bubble of protection around him. “Coward” Russ bellowed his anger evident. “Fool, I am not your enemy” Magnus’s voice was heavy no doubt with the power of the warp. “You traitorous bastard! Fight me like a true warrior!” Russ was now pounding away at the warp shield. “I will not fight my brother Leman” Magnus hadn’t moved, his one single red eye now locked on to his brothers face. “Leave now whilst you still live Russ, our fathers Imperium”- “He is not your father, you scum riddled worm!” Russ interjected. “As I was saying, leave now whilst you can, or my master will force me to kill you” Magnus pleaded. “Ha! You are in the employ of the foul chaos gods! You cannot kill me! If it was not for your foul magiks I would have ended your pitiful existence!” Russ was now pacing around Magnus. “No Russ I am a prisoner. I had to sacrifice my loyalty to our father to save my legion, listen to me brother. You were tricked; I was never your enemy! Our thrice dammed brother Horus tricked you. You were only ever supposed to bring me forth our father, Horus changed your orders to destroy me; to tie you up to enable him to siege Terra. Just like me you were deceived.” Magnus remained where he had teleported to, his voice low and fraught with concern and reconciliation. “Even now you lie Magnus!” Russ spat as he said his brothers name, “You dare try to persuade me, I will end you and your blight” Russ struck the bubble with his axe, resulting in the weapon cracking. The rune priest walked up to Russ, “Sire, I can try and break this blasphemous spell, but it may cost me my life” he whispered. “No, I would not have a son die needlessly against my traitorous brethren”. Magnus waved his hand; a weapon appeared out of thin air, “Here as a token of my good will. This is yours Russ, your lost spear” Magnus passed the Spear through the bubble. Russ pulled it suddenly, dragging Magnus too, now out of his protective shield Russ swung a great big fist at him, his left hand knocking Magnus clean off his feet. “I do not wish to fight brother!” Magnus groaned. There was an ear splitting screech, causing Russ to look up; to see eight changer of ways descending from the twisted skies. “Ha, you think your wretched daemons will stay my wrath?” Russ snorted. The changers of ways landed next to Magnus who looked on in horror. “I did warn you brother, please go!” Magnus’s face was an expression of regret and sorrow. The greater daemons of Tzeentch fired blasts of chaos energy at Russ, not wearing any armour just wolf pelts, Russ was extremely vulnerable. Nimbly he dodged seven of the attack, but one was still going for his head. Then the ball of energy dissipated. Magnus stood there his hand splayed out. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The emperors chosen Posted October 10, 2009 Share Posted October 10, 2009 Magnus didn't have Russ's spear, it was reclaimed by Ragnar in the Space Wolf series, but other than that I like it Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Steelavenger Posted October 10, 2009 Author Share Posted October 10, 2009 It was? Oops i read the article on it wrong...hmm well in my story i am assuming that the TS stole it back ^_^ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cato Sicarius Posted October 10, 2009 Share Posted October 10, 2009 Well, maybe he teleported it using the psychic power which got it? To Russ, it was still lost, was it not? Very good by the way, I like where this is going even more now. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Steelavenger Posted October 10, 2009 Author Share Posted October 10, 2009 Well over the years Thousand sons have attacked Fenris many times, so i am assuming that they did once more and once again stole the Spear of Russ. Thanks Cato, may do one more chapter for tonight. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cato Sicarius Posted October 10, 2009 Share Posted October 10, 2009 Woah, you're working hard. Still, can't wait. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Steelavenger Posted October 10, 2009 Author Share Posted October 10, 2009 I am a slave to my readers ^_^ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Steelavenger Posted October 10, 2009 Author Share Posted October 10, 2009 Chapter 8 moved. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
o'rieley Posted October 11, 2009 Share Posted October 11, 2009 I so wish there was a "watch this thread" button... Oh wait, I found one! where please? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ferrus Manus Posted October 11, 2009 Share Posted October 11, 2009 Ok, I'll start with Chapter 1. Firstly, there are some major fluff issues here, obviously discounting the plot of the story. For example: There are some in the Imperium that theorise that he is trying to redeem himself so that he may serve the Emperor once again, then there are others that label him a traitor and hunt him; chief amongst these are the Dark Angels. They are all wrong, Cypher is no traitor, and he is a manifestation of the Emperors will, a saint if you like amongst the Adeptus Astartes. None outside of the Dark Angels and some of their successors know he actually exists, so theorising and being an Astartes saint would be fairly hard. He followed the corridors, he knew exactly where to go, had he not designed this place himself? it is widely known that Dorn designed the Emperor's Palace. But onto grammar and such: Cypher the traitor, Cypher the Fallen Cypher the redeemer! You need a comma between Fallen and Cypher. Plus redeemer should have a capital. There are quite few places where you write things like 'Emperors spirit' or the like. It should be Emperor's. Custodians, acolytes and cherubs walked/flew about each not noticing the figure as he walked through the corridor. Please don't use a slash, it doesn't look right in formal writing. Use 'or' or something else. Chapter 2 From his back Cypher drew from the brown leather scabbard a long golden sword; There are too many adjectives here, it bogs down the sentence. his dual hearts beating ever faster as adrenaline flooded into his super human system After what seemed an age Cypher reached the top, the joy and jubilation he felt was tremendous. You've missed a full stop. Each chapter at first were few in number so they would accompany the Ultramarines on heir missions Typo. but no where in there had it mentioned a Chapter Master ordering the founding os a chapter never mind nine. Typo. Again as before you write Emperors Ascension for example, it should be Emperor's. Also, in both chapters but more in this one, you've not capitalised some names. Chapter 3 Constantin Valdor the personal champion of the Emperor, member of the High Lords of Terra by-passed them Need a comma between Terra and by-passed. Was this some demonic incursion? Daemonic. Chapter 4 Those pyskers who were strong and had under gone the soul binding process and had mastered their abilities found that their powers were far stronger and easier to control and use, their souls too now were protected. Psykers. Again, look for capitals that are needed. Chapter 5 His legions lay scattered and broken, his son dead or missing, this was not what he wanted. I think you mean sons. Constantin nodded, “You may get up no friend”, Typo. Again as before you write Emperors Ascension for example, it should be Emperor's. Also, in both chapters but more in this one, you've not capitalised some names. Chapter 6 “Only the Lion can make me repent! Even now he returns! You are foolish to think other wise! Oh Lion, forgive me, oh how I was a fool! You've missed the " at the end. Chapter 7 Remember, new character speaking, new line. Always check when pasting onto the B&C that all your dialogue is positioned correctly. Also, names need capitals. That, and the Space Wolves already have Russ' Spear. It's on Garm. Chapter 8 Sever days had passed since the volcano had finished erupting and four vindicators under the command of He’Stan had begun to bombard the volcano. Typo. Names need capitals. ++++++++++++ General point: In places you've used a ; where a comma would suffice. ++++++++++++ I quite enjoyed this piece. Some of your descriptions are great and I think you've captured the epicness of what your writing. Please keep it up, but you just need to go back and fine tune it. Hope I've helped. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Steelavenger Posted October 11, 2009 Author Share Posted October 11, 2009 Thanks, i would go back and change it but i am bit lazy to do that, so now i will work harder to prevent from making the same mistakes. The writing programme i am using highlights it as a grammatical error with regards the comman or semi-colon. With regards the silly typo's its because i type fast and i miss a letter which usually still makes a word, e.g. bar instead of bare. This then makes me look like an illiterate fool who doesn't check is work :) Thanks for your help, it is much appreciated. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Steelavenger Posted October 11, 2009 Author Share Posted October 11, 2009 Chapter 8 He’stan looked on as the volcano crumbled. It was slowly destroying itself; the lava carried away the rocks and debris burning all in its wake. Where the volcano once stood tall and dormant it was now a shrunken, fiery blot on the landscape. Fortunately there were no settlements around the volcano, so no casualties were expected. In his head He’Stan kept reciting the final riddle to himself, “Fire lizard’s domain….” then it hit He’Stan, and he was staring at it! It had been so blatantly obvious. He cursed himself for being so stupid. There was one problem; how was he supposed to get the artefact from an erupting volcano? Sever days had passed since the volcano had finished erupting and four vindicators under the command of He’Stan had begun to bombard the volcano. Their powerful demolisher cannons easily able to penetrate the rock. Tu’shan and the rest of the Salamander had at first naturally asked He’Stan what he was doing, but on explaining that the final artefact their Primarch; Vulkan had left behind was there more resources had been allocated to He’Stan. Although the rock was no match for the vindicators shells the rubble was piling up and was causing another problem. So drilling machines were brought in. It took days to excavate the rock and what they found shocked them. A huge tomb in the shape of the native salamander greeted them. It was made from adamantium and coated in ceramite; allowing for its protection against the heat of the volcano. At the base of the tomb was an arch way, no door filled it instead a shield. Because He’Stan was the one to discover this tomb Tu’Shan insisted that He’Stan be the first to step inside the nearly named Tomb of Fire. Behind the shield stood a 10 foot tall super being, clad in green and black armour, two hammers laid across his chest. The hammers were huge, each easily the size of a man. He’Stan placed his hand on the shield, it felt warm and resilient. Another challenge thought He’Stan. However one he would complete for his Primarch, beloved father of the Salamanders stood before him, trapped in stasis. *** He would avenge his legion and brothers of that he was sure. Corax for years now had been planning the destruction and annihilation of traitorous brother Fulgrim’s palace of pleasure. With a small band of Were Geld. The surviving monster created by Corax’s accelerated marine creation after the Istavaan V drop site massacre. The Were Geld were hulking monstrosities, their ferocity was matched by no Astarte. Clad in black power amour that was built specifically for their massive bulk. For centuries Corax and his band of Were Geld had been traversing the Eye of Terror, Corax was the master of the art of subterfuge, stealth and sabotage. Eve though his warriors were drooling psycho paths Corax was able to keep them in check. Ever since the drop site massacre Corax had harboured a deep, unreserved hatred for hose that betrayed him and his fellow brothers and their legions. He wanted nothing more than to enact his revenge, to satisfy the burning desire to right the wrongs that had been committed against him. *** After the Horus Heresy and the fight between Fulgrim and Robute; Fulgrim fled to the eye of Terror where he now resides. He abandoned his legion that had split into warbands, his daemon world now an endless landscape of pleasure and decadence. His every pleasure at his disposal, his new found master Slanesh granting him his every wish. However Fulgrim was not entirely in the grip of the Prince of Pleasure. A tiny fragment of the once loyal and noble Fulgrim resided in the twisted and perverted daemon prince that was now Fulgrim. For centuries the loyal Fulgrim had remained trapped in the dark recesses of the daemons mind; refusing to give his body and mind entirely to it. It was testament to his iron will and devotion to the Emperor that had prevented the daemon from taking a permanent and complete hold on him. “You weak, pathetic fool, your soul will be mine” the daemons voice was cold and callous. This was almost a daily occurrence between the two entities that existed in Fulgrim’s body. *** Corax and his bestial sons stood crouched in the shadows. Corax was taller and broader than the Were Geld, even when hunched over. His lightning claws were extended, they were nothing like the Ravens Talons but they would do. The palace ahead was huge, in a twisted and perverse way it resembled the Emperor’s palace on Terra. Daemons of pleasure screeched across the pink skies, Keepers of Secrets stalked the plains, Corax reviled against the sick, warp-spawned creatures. His plan was simple; he and his warriors would storm the palace, butcher any daemons who got in their way and then Corax would deliver justice and revenge on Fulgrim Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cato Sicarius Posted October 11, 2009 Share Posted October 11, 2009 I so wish there was a "watch this thread" button... Oh wait, I found one! where please? Got o the very top, there's an Options button, click that, then on the drop-down bar thing click "track this thread". Well, Ferrus Manus, might I point out that the Spear is still lost to Russ, and that it isn't exactly protected from teleportation Warp powers. Just a couple of things though: Why use Vindicators to blast away the rock? It's too dangerous, he could have destroyed the artefact itself. And secondly, on a related note, Terminator Armour can easily withstand the heat of a volcano, and it's many machineries would be able to keep the Astartes inside alive long enough to go in, have a look, then come back out again. Just a couple of helpful notes. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ferrus Manus Posted October 11, 2009 Share Posted October 11, 2009 Ferrus Manus = Grammar Nazi. For God's sake it doesn't matter, it's an interesting storyline. Comes with the job I'm afraid. The ironic thing is I hate grammar as much as the next person :devil: But like I said, it is a good story and like you I want to see more. Well, Ferrus Manus, might I point out that the Spear is still lost to Russ, and that it isn't exactly protected from teleportation Warp powers. True, but then what would be the point? Russ could have it back as soon as he re-joined his legion. That and it's been said that Russ hated the thing, he only kept it because the Emperor gave it him. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cato Sicarius Posted October 11, 2009 Share Posted October 11, 2009 I thought I was being a bit harsh, so I removed that bit. You were correct though. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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