IA: The Stonebound

[Lysimachus]

More festival days, eh? Is the one already in there not enough? I'll see if I can invent another one, perhaps.

 

Sorry, missed that one, must be going blind in my old age!

 

 

I see why you might think that. However, this is because I left out the key word additional. I'll add that in. Also, I'm not sure why a successfully thrown axe would not inflict considerable damage to an unarmoured enemy. That aside, I'll try to make it sound like a last resort tactic in case that works better.

 

I'm sure an axe thrown by a power armoured Astartes would do considerable damage to an un/lightly armoured enemy! The problem is it surely isn't as much damage as a big, self-propelled, explosive shell can do? Also, for every one axe a Marine is carrying to throw, why doesn't he just carry another bolt clip (at biggest same size as axe, more likely quite a bit smaller) with 10-20 shots? Plus the bolter will have better range, be more accurate and has some chance to penetrate heavier armour! Honestly, carrying an axe rather than a combat knife is cool, but I just can't see throwing axes making sense when you're well supplied with big guns! ;)

 

 

Oops! I thought your lot were further west, for some reason. Perhaps I subconsciously stole the location from you!

In any event, if I recall correctly the Iron Gods were steering clear of other space marines for the time being.

 

No need to move your guys at all! I think you're in the top left of the SegPac, my lot are top right where it meets SegUltima/SegSolar. Even though the Seg narrows as it goes up it must still be a distance of many light years across; plus you're right the Gods are keeping a low profile and have only been around for the last 200/250 years or so anyway.

 

Having said all of that, when I start doing some mini's for them, one of them is definately going to have a big beard and carry an axe! ;)

 

 

Although I put all great successes down to the throwing axes, incidentally

 

:P My wife gave me a funny look and asked what I was laughing at when I read this! ;)

 

 

I was sort of playing for that on purpose. The idea was that although the Red Sabres were deviant from the White Scars' outlook, the Stonebound were more of a throwback.

I'm not sure whether to abandon this idea now or to try and make it clearer somehow first, and see if I can make it work.

 

So their parent Chapter went away from WS tactics, then the Stonebound came back to them (also, why? Baines trained them, left, then the Orks came, when did the WS tactics come back in?), but then went back to being more balanced? It's all a bit overly complex and doesn't really make sense.

 

Better if the Red Sabres are true WS successors, train the Stonebound that way, but because of fighting the Orks so much, they change to be slightly more flexible (but still keep a larger than Codex number of bikes). As I think I said(?), it also would explain why the Sabres were a bit rubbish when their Fortress Monastery was attacked?

 

 

Geneseed is, without a doubt, the most annoying bit to write. I can't think of anything relevant to add. A deviation in geneseed-quality would be a nice touch, although I don't really know where to go with that apart from an inclination to grow beards, scowl and mutter in their own language at people. And even then that's probably homeworld/culture stuff.

 

Could always say that when they're not fighting (or drinking/feasting :P ) that the inherent ferocity has a tendency to turn into ill-tempered (I can't think of a better word here) grumpiness. Could say not known whether it's a gene-seed or a cultural thing? Might give them that slightly introverted feel dwarves get when they're not killing people?

 

 

Lysimachus

 

PC 12/40

Edited January 12, 2010 by Strike Captain Lysimachus

[space wolf]

"The axe, to the Stonebound, symbolises the role of a space marine - to brutally and irrevocably destroy the enemies of makind."

I love this line.

 

As far as the dreadnought thing goes, I would think they would love being in dreadnoughts. Perhaps, the interior of the dreadnoughts are lined with stone, so they become quite literally Stonebound.

 

Other than that, I think its going really well. I would like to see more sidebars, tell us about his new faction that favors dreadnoughts. Do they have a name? (The Ironbound??) Why this change of belief?

[Ace Debonair]

I see why you might think that. However, this is because I left out the key word additional. I'll add that in. Also, I'm not sure why a successfully thrown axe would not inflict considerable damage to an unarmoured enemy. That aside, I'll try to make it sound like a last resort tactic in case that works better.

 

I'm sure an axe thrown by a power armoured Astartes would do considerable damage to an un/lightly armoured enemy! The problem is it surely isn't as much damage as a big, self-propelled, explosive shell can do? Also, for every one axe a Marine is carrying to throw, why doesn't he just carry another bolt clip (at biggest same size as axe, more likely quite a bit smaller) with 10-20 shots? Plus the bolter will have better range, be more accurate and has some chance to penetrate heavier armour! Honestly, carrying an axe rather than a combat knife is cool, but I just can't see throwing axes making sense when you're well supplied with big guns!

 

Alright, fair play. Since the Stonebound already carry an axe as a point of honour, stretching it to throwing axes too might be a bit much.

I'll relegate throwing axes to assault marines in the next update. Sound fair?

 

Oops! I thought your lot were further west, for some reason. Perhaps I subconsciously stole the location from you!

In any event, if I recall correctly the Iron Gods were steering clear of other space marines for the time being.

 

No need to move your guys at all! I think you're in the top left of the SegPac, my lot are top right where it meets SegUltima/SegSolar. Even though the Seg narrows as it goes up it must still be a distance of many light years across; plus you're right the Gods are keeping a low profile and have only been around for the last 200/250 years or so anyway.

 

Having said all of that, when I start doing some mini's for them, one of them is definately going to have a big beard and carry an axe!

 

:blink:

Hehe, well that's two people I've inspired to make at least one Stonebound model. I must be doing something right! :D

 

Although I put all great successes down to the throwing axes, incidentally

 

My wife gave me a funny look and asked what I was laughing at when I read this!

And I put my typing success down to the axes too. :lol:

 

I was sort of playing for that on purpose. The idea was that although the Red Sabres were deviant from the White Scars' outlook, the Stonebound were more of a throwback.

I'm not sure whether to abandon this idea now or to try and make it clearer somehow first, and see if I can make it work.

 

So their parent Chapter went away from WS tactics, then the Stonebound came back to them (also, why? Baines trained them, left, then the Orks came, when did the WS tactics come back in?), but then went back to being more balanced? It's all a bit overly complex and doesn't really make sense.

 

Er. Did I already say I swore to the Emperor that this bit made sense when I wrote it? Because it did, I'm sure of it. :wacko:

Since it suddenly appears nonsensical, I'll drop it in the next update and see how it looks.

 

 

Geneseed is, without a doubt, the most annoying bit to write. I can't think of anything relevant to add. A deviation in geneseed-quality would be a nice touch, although I don't really know where to go with that apart from an inclination to grow beards, scowl and mutter in their own language at people. And even then that's probably homeworld/culture stuff.

 

Could always say that when they're not fighting (or drinking/feasting :P ) that the inherent ferocity has a tendency to turn into ill-tempered (I can't think of a better word here) grumpiness. Could say not known whether it's a gene-seed or a cultural thing? Might give them that slightly introverted feel dwarves get when they're not killing people?

 

Good stuff! I reckon I might make them quiet around other chapters too - the Stonebound won't be much for communication between chapters below command levels.

 

Space Wolf:

 

As far as the dreadnought thing goes, I would think they would love being in dreadnoughts. Perhaps, the interior of the dreadnoughts are lined with stone, so they become quite literally Stonebound.

 

Other than that, I think its going really well. I would like to see more sidebars, tell us about his new faction that favors dreadnoughts. Do they have a name? (The Ironbound??) Why this change of belief?

 

A good idea, but I wanted to keep something from the White Scars' ideals other than the love of fast attacks. Keeping an aversion to dreadnoughts that is being overcome in a painfully slow fashion just seemed to fit the bill nicely.

 

As a side note, would you object if I have the chapter call all it's dreadnoughts the Ironbound as a whole? ;) They might not like 'em, but they can be proud of them, if you see what I mean.

[space wolf]

I have no objection, anything I post that isn't related to my own chapter, any of you guys feel free to swipe.

[Ace Debonair]

Alrighty. That'll do it.

 

Edited and updated.

I think after maybe the next one I'll let these guys fall off the radar for a few days - let some of the other chapters grab some spotlight. :)

 

But until then - can anyone spot any mistakes, flaws, falsehoods or other generally unwanted stuff?

Cool ideas also welcomed, of course.

[Hubernator]

I read this through... and I liked it :rolleyes: The Dreadnought part sounded very similar to my Chapter (shameful plug :P).

The chainmail thing got kind of confusing in some aspect - not entirely sure why it's there. From what I gathered it was a tradition of sorts but really gave no benefit to the armour. Is that right?

And any particular reason for having older marks of armour? I may have missed the proper reason but I don't recall reading one.

Oh and there was one point you said "as mentioned before"... we don't need that :P

 

Other than that I like this one :)

[Guest Mordray]

Interesting chapter you've got here...

 

You seem to have a conflict with the tech-marines and chaplains... why is that? I can't figure out why they are going to the tech-marines for advice about anything not related to crafting... I ended up eliminating the chaplains from my chapter as I just can't understand why they are there in the first place... oh wait I do know why... to watch over the librarians... wait... they don't do that for crap anymore... honestly I think you should just ditch the chapies but I'm like that...

 

 

Oh and as I don't recall anyone mentioning it... rhino riding assault troupes is perfectly acceptable just look at the wolves... I'd imagine my Void Reavers are not the only chapter to employ assault troupes without jump packs... it's a viable tactic... at least when written properly and for the write reasons...

 

I think this is technically 2/20... but I don't really care I'm just in it for the IA's... the rest is just bonus...

[Ace Debonair]

Thanks for the comments guys.

 

Hubernator, sorry if I've stolen your idea. Do I need to change it?

The chainmail sort of had to be essentially decoration. That way my marines aren't better-armoured than everyone else.

The older marks of armour are in there because they have a veneration of all marine armour, and I thought it would be cool for them to have a few of the older marks in there too. I'm sure that's in the IA somewhere, but I'll go back and reword it later so it's more emphatic.

 

Mordray, thanks for the comments regarding the assault squads. I thought that marching on foot would fit better with the chapter as a whole, but didn't know if it was do-able. Do you consider the idea as it is in the Stonebound well-written enough?

 

I can't get rid of the chaplains, though, since my nephew is a huge fan of them and would kill me if he thought I was making a chapter without his favourite unit in. :(

[Guest Mordray]

Mordray, thanks for the comments regarding the assault squads. I thought that marching on foot would fit better with the chapter as a whole, but didn't know if it was do-able. Do you consider the idea as it is in the Stonebound well-written enough?

 

I can't get rid of the chaplains, though, since my nephew is a huge fan of them and would kill me if he thought I was making a chapter without his favourite unit in. :D

 

Can anything ever truly be written well enough? ... know I know I'm tired... last post then I'm zonking out until my nephew wakes me up... far too soon no matter how late it is.

 

It seems to work well, as you've said fits their persona so I'd say keep it. Someone else though might be able to help with the wording, but I don't see a problem with it.

 

Family changes all the rules... I'm helping raise my nephew so I can understand that want/need to give in.

 

Might I ask why he likes them so much? the closest I've come to liking a chaplain was my homegrown Blade-Chaplain Nethic who was basically a chaplain in name only... very much a 'this is how you do it' kind of inspiration rather then a 'listen to me and be filled with...'

 

I made him for a chapter that quickly became a gimmick chapter so I dropped them until I find the time to figure out what went wrong in the concepting process.

 

 

Well, good night and best of luck...

[Ace Debonair]

Why does my nephew like chaplains so much?

 

He thinks the one on Dawn of War was awesome. <_< He did have the right air of zealousness, I suppose.

Apart from that, skull-helmets must hold a certain appeal. I know he made a terminator chaplain (just for fun) who had lightning claws; embodying his two favourite aspects of space marines. :)

[Donkey Kong]

Oh, Ace, I am ashamed. You contribute so much to my projects and I fail to do the same :wub: .

 

Your armour tells me, as clearly as your words, that you are a man of honour;

 

I think “honourable man” would work better, espeically considering how honour is used in the first sentence. Also, I don't really understand the context of the quote, but I've been known to be a bit thick.

 

Homeworld

 

not far from the borders with the Segmenta Tempestus and Solar.

 

This doesn't make sense grammatically. “not far from the borders between” would work much better, I imagine.

 

Kagara is a world of extremes - the summers are often warm and pleasant, and the people there are able to farm all manner of produce to sustain them through the best part of the year. When the leaves begin to fall, however, the clansmen harvest quickly and efficiently, and begin preparations to leave the village until the spring.

 

I know I usually take exaggerations too literally, but one incredibly cold season isn't close to anything extreme, or I think so anyway. I think of extremes more like deserts where the highest annual temperature is about 35° C and the lowest annual temperature is about -4° C.

 

I think that if you have two fair seasons and two harsh seasons, in this case I imagine some extreme variation between summer and winter seasons with only autumn and spring being tolerable would make a fair bit more sense with this description.

 

It also forces the local populace to mingle a bit more with the Gor'da (was that supposed to be like gorda? Fat in Spanish ^_^ ). Plus it makes sense with the idea that underground the temperature would be a bit more constant between insulation and escape from the sun's rays. Also the Gor'da could be on a more constant threat level instead of being a juggling force between the surface and the underground, and have them stay underground for whatever territorial reasons, making it so that the Spring and Autumn months are more of a salvation like the underground from two very constant threats.

 

I also understand I just went and told you that your Homeworld should be basically redone, and for that I apologize :P .

 

 

History

 

declaring that the populace were worthy aspirants for recruitment through their continued survival of the planet's imposed trials.

 

Grammatical error, the populace (a singular) cannot were (a plural), the people were.

 

The chapter saw that, for a feral world, the people there showed great innovation and resilience in their lifestyles.

 

Populace can be used in place of people here to avoid repetition.

 

Many of the underground tunnels were linked, mostly by natural occurences, and some by hand.

 

Occurrences ins misspelled.

 

in the dark of the deeps.

 

Not to sound too dumb, but what the hell does this even mean :( ? Deeps, not to be rude, has no meaning, not as a location, anyway. If you replace it with tunnels or passages or anything else, it would work much better.

 

had adapted to the world marvellously,

 

Marvelously is misspelled.

 

only acceptable levels of losses.

 

This makes no grammatical sense, and would be fixed by getting rid of only. I also think that levels doesn't add much to the sentence and I would change it to “acceptable losses”.

 

It would be half a year later that the Orks came

 

Grammatically this doesn't make any sense at all. “Came” has to be replaced with “the Orks would come” to make the tenses match (future).

 

chapter paid heavy losses,

 

Can you do that? I think “paid” is the wrong word here, “took” works better, I think.

 

The Chapter recruits during every season other than the winter, challenging aspiring youths by flying them to the top of Kagara's highest mountain ranges and making them survive the climb down.

 

:huh: I'm sorry, but this desperately needs a transition to make this relevant. If you maybe made it so that the Orks began their attack here, and the people had to make the same trek in that first encounter with the Orks, I think it would work much better. Food for thought.

 

into the first true Stonebound Chapter Master. Under his leadership, and those who came after him, the Stonebound have waged war against the foul Orks ever since.

 

first and true need a comma between them. I don't think “have” is necessary in that last clause.

 

Beliefs

 

 

 

 

Primarchs who lead the loyalist legions in the days of the Horus Heresy.

 

“Led”, not “lead”. This section doesn't have anything else wrong with it, but I think the first paragraph has far too much repetition between “axe” and “chain-mail” :lol: .

 

Combat Doctrine

 

Just for the sake of suggesting it, I think you should include some mention of vanguard squads to show the Chapter's appreciation of close combat.

 

The feasts can last from anywhere between an hour and a day,

 

“An hour to a day” works much better. And I even think “a day” should be replaced with “days” just for the sake of mentioning the aftermath of a long battle or campaign.

 

 

Organisation

 

and the honour is now given to the most decorated veterans also.

 

Also doesn't add anything to this clause.

 

 

the Stonebound long ago learning that flanking attacks with more firepower and brutality are the most effective flanking attacks.

 

“The Stonebound learned long ago” works better, I think, “learning” doesn't agree with the rest of the clause. Flanking attacks seems to be overused in this sentence, too. The question would be “more than what?” ,but I think this works better: “that flanking with more firepower and brutality are the most effective attacks.”

 

Spelling mistakes: required, ferocious, embossed (this may be due to American English, British English variations)

 

he is now simply Stonebound, forever more.

 

Simply doesn't seem to add much here, “he is now Stonebound, forever more” gives a better impression, I think.

 

Any campaigns outside of the sector in which the Stonebound are based recieve

 

receive is misspelled. Also, I think translating the names of the battle barges is a little unnecessary.

 

Geneseed

 

Aggression, gene-seed and conversations are misspelled.

 

Iron Gauntlet: 2/20, at this rate and with quality comments like these, I'll be at 5 by the end of the competition!

 

EDIT: I now understand the context of my first quote, and I am ashamed to miss the bloody opening challenge of the Iron Gauntlet! I still don't think it's relevant though :( :lol: .

 

EDIT: Grand Master Tyrak pointed out that one of my spelling errors was due to a difference between American English and British English, so I apologize for that.

Edited January 17, 2010 by KingHongKong

[Grand Master Tyrak]

had adapted to the world marvellously,

Marvelously is misspelled.

 

Actually, he's just spelt it the English (UK) way. It's not a misspelling. :P

[Hubernator]

Hubernator, sorry if I've stolen your idea. Do I need to change it?

The chainmail sort of had to be essentially decoration. That way my marines aren't better-armoured than everyone else.

The older marks of armour are in there because they have a veneration of all marine armour, and I thought it would be cool for them to have a few of the older marks in there too. I'm sure that's in the IA somewhere, but I'll go back and reword it later so it's more emphatic.

- Nah it's only an idea, I don't mind it being shared around :) By all means keep it.

- A decoration? *shrug* no complaints there

- If they venerate it surely they'd leave it for the higher ranking marines? I think you mentioned that somewhere but yeah.

[Ace Debonair]

Yep, that's a lot of spelling mistakes. :P

 

It's strange how I cn be so good at correcting the spelling of others (outside of these forums - I don't like doing it so much here. ^_^ ) and yet miss so many errors of my own.

 

 

Oh, Ace, I am ashamed. You contribute so much to my projects and I fail to do the same .

Only because I didn't make a nuisance of myself and draw your attention to it. Besides, at least I had a chance to get rid of some of the mistakes before you hunted the remainder down for me. :lol:

 

It's far too late for me to find any mistakes without making dozens more, so I'll update this in a few days.

 

Perhaps I ought to harshen up the homeworld a bit.

 

 

The Chapter recruits during every season other than the winter, challenging aspiring youths by flying them to the top of Kagara's highest mountain ranges and making them survive the climb down.

 

I'm sorry, but this desperately needs a transition to make this relevant. If you maybe made it so that the Orks began their attack here, and the people had to make the same trek in that first encounter with the Orks, I think it would work much better. Food for thought.

 

This is the only comment that left me mystified. You want the aspirants to be attacked by Orks on my homeworld? Each time? I appreciate the challenge is a little on the weak side, and I might need to specify how dangerous the climb would be. That said, I have no intention of the Orks staying on Kagara, and I apologize if that is not made clear in the IA. Another mistake to tackle when my brain re-activates. :P

 

 

I'm sure that in the year 40,000 they spell everything differently anyway, so no need to apologize for correcting the nationally different spellings.

 

Older marks of armour for higher ranked marines? Why didn't I think of that? :huh:

Sometimes the really obvious ideas are too cunning for me, it seems.

[Donkey Kong]

You want the aspirants to be attacked by Orks on my homeworld? Each time? I appreciate the challenge is a little on the weak side, and I might need to specify how dangerous the climb would be. That said, I have no intention of the Orks staying on Kagara, and I apologize if that is not made clear in the IA. Another mistake to tackle when my brain re-activates. tongue.gif

 

I'm beginning to think that the Internet is a giant game of telephone :lol: :huh: .

If I may clarify, I see it as a pilgrimage as it currently stands, make your way from the top of the mountain to the safety of the ground, or underground. Now, the paragraph begins with the initial Ork attack, and this is happening while the people are making their annual migration. The way I intended it to be said was, make it so that the Orks landed at the top of this mountain, and chased the people down, kind of making the exercise an example of what their ancestors faced.

 

The Orks aren't involved in anything but reasoning. I never intended to even suggest they're still on the world. Simply make the trek, the exercise, the test relevant to the attack.

 

Also, "making them survive" doesn't make much sense because if you "make someone" do anything it's more aiding than testing. So, maybe "having them survive the long, treacherous climb down" would work better.

 

Oh, and because I hear this thing subliminal messaging works wonders:

 

Consider my suggestions for the homeworld. KHK knows best ^_^ !

[Dosjetka]

Well, Battle Brother Ludovic.

 

The tablets are already in - they're the Librarian's Saga-Stones.

I had to put my own spin on the idea. You know how it is. :P

 

As much as it grieves me to bear bad news to someone who obviously liked what he read in one of my IA's, I always understood constructive criticism to be highlighting errors in structure or plotline, and ideally positing solutions or alternatives for the original writer to consider.

 

Whether or not saying you couldn't find any faults counts as your 5/20 is a decision perhaps for the more experienced members who might have competed in similar contests before.

 

Even if it isn't, though, it's good news as far as I'm concerned if people can't find any faults. :)

didn't see this as i haven't been on this IA for some time...ok well i'll re-read the IA now and then try and find the smallest mistakes :P

 

BBL

[Ace Debonair]

Edited! :)

 

Taken into account all of KHK's stuff, short of totally redoing the homeworld. Although I have this sudden urge to tell everyone about KHK's idea, which I can't explain...

 

It's not that I don't like your ideas for Kagara, but I had this chapter thought out about two months before the start of the Gauntlet, and it seemed like the right time to unveil them.

Amongst that is about a month's worth of thought dedicated to the homeworld. I have a very clear picture of Kagara in my head, so instead of changing my idea I'll change the words I use until I describe it accurately.

 

I didn't want a homeworld that was more extreme than everyone else's, so I've changed my use of that word. Now I look back, it was a damn stupid word to use. :whistling:

[Codex Grey]

Yo, Ace. This what you had in mind for the Chapter symbol? The colors didn't come out right for some reason, I'll fix that when I can.

[Ace Debonair]

Grey, you've done it again. :)

 

Spot on, picture perfect.

I'll consider that my birthday present from the B&C - many thanks! :)

[Codex Grey]

ehh ... well, of course, that's exactly why I made it.

 

:)

 

Happy Birthday!

[Ace Debonair]

ehh ... well, of course, that's exactly why I made it.

 

:lol:

 

Happy Birthday!

 

I think we've found ourselves a psychic. :lol:

Anyone got anything to say about the Stonebound or their awesome badge?

[Ace Debonair]

Hmm, no comments since my last one.

I'll take that as evidence that there are no glaring flaws, at least.

 

I don't know whether to totally redo the Homeworld ala KHK's suggestion.

 

Also, recently reading the Octaguide has made me uncertain that starting with the homeworld is the way to go.

In fairness, in this case I am attached to my present idea, and I think I've made a good job of it. The problem is, I am very much biased. :mellow:

 

Basically, this is another appeal for public opinion, since I can't make my mind up one way or another.

Ah, indecision. You gotta love it (maybe).

 

Subliminal message for KHK: Confound your wretched subliminal messages, you rapscallion! Look upon the bewilderment you have wrought!

And soon you'll be speaking with unneccesarily dramatic flourishes mid-speech, for no reason... :P

[Grand Master Tyrak]

Also, recently reading the Octaguide has made me uncertain that starting with the homeworld is the way to go.

 

If the majority of your Chapter's character is drawn from the homeworld, then the Homeworld section should be straight after Origins as it is the most important.

 

Note also that you can draw on the homeworld outside of the Homeworld section, which is what I did with my Blades of Duty. Although the Homeworld section itself is only about 25% of the article, about 70% of the article is drawn from the homeworld, even if the information is found in other sections like Gene-seed, Combat Doctrine or even their major battle. If the common thread that holds the IA together and defines the Chapter is the homeworld culture, then that should be focussed on in the IA.

[Brother_Kaelgrim]

Excellent chapter. I like the theme, everything meshes well together and the time and effort spent on it is evident. The only suggestion I have is perhaps expanding the roles for the Chaplains perhaps. I can see the Techmarines taking over the spiritual concerns a bit, if the chapter sees armor of the body as armor of the soul as well. If that is the case, then I would suggest that perhaps the Chaplains could take a stronger role in the Aspirants stage. The Chaplains instruct the recruits in the nature of the Emperor, and in how to armor themselves in body and mind. Then, when a marine reaches full brother status, he goes to the Techmarine for mind armor "maintenance". Kind of how you have a different group to build a car and a group to fix a car.

 

Other than that, I'm really digging this chapter. Now I just wish I could get this kind of feedback on mine, my poor Frost Wyrms need fleshing out :lol:

[Ace Debonair]

The Chaplains instruct the recruits in the nature of the Emperor, and in how to armor themselves in body and mind. Then, when a marine reaches full brother status, he goes to the Techmarine for mind armor "maintenance". Kind of how you have a different group to build a car and a group to fix a car.

 

Nice. Consider that noted down for the next update. I was just starting to think that something more for the Chaplains would make a difference.

 

Does anyone think that adding a notable character (in a sidebar) would improve the article? Since I'm going to re-organize and re-word the whole thing, I might as well see if I need a new section too.

 

Other than that, I'm really digging this chapter. Now I just wish I could get this kind of feedback on mine, my poor Frost Wyrms need fleshing out :P

Hmph, I've had a hard time finding things to criticize on your chapter. It's not doing badly at all. ;)

Oh, and thanks for the compliment. I try my humble best.