space wolf of the 13th Posted March 31, 2010 Share Posted March 31, 2010 High orbit above Caprica Ragnar looked out of the view port of the strike cruiser at the small world below. ‘Something troubling you Lord?’ ‘No Sigurd it is nothing,’ Ragnar replied flatly. There was a long silence, the only noise coming from the ship’s engines far away. ‘It’s the planet isn’t it Ragnar?’ ‘Yes my old friend it is the planet, it brings back memories I thought I had buried long ago.’ Many years before Ragnar shot a cultist mid leap, and then gutted another with his frostblade. ‘Long time, no see brother!’ shouted Ragnar above the high pitch whine of his sword. ‘It has been my friend, oh it has,’ Replied Sven. Sven crushed a cultist’s chest with his power fist. A cultist appeared beside Sven but died with a bolt round through the head from Ragnar’s bolt pistol. ‘Thank you but I need to kill some of these heretics too you know, you aren’t the only wolf lord in this chapter.’ Sven shouted with a grin spreading across his face while he killed a heretic with his storm bolter. ‘Then you better hurry up brother that new armour has slowed you down.’ Ragnar slit another’s throat with his blade. ‘It may be slower but it comes with more weapons to smite my enemies with!’ The cultists threw themselves at the wolf lords but none scored a single blow. The melee was too closely packed for the cultist’s heavier weapons to fire. This fight was going to be won with pistol and blade alone. As the wolf lords shouted to each other they did not notice the half dead cultist throw a grenade at the wolf lords’ feet. ‘Damn,’ said both wolf lords as one. The grenade exploded and sent both lords flying through the air, as their bodies hit the floor their wolf guards responded immediately, fighting through the tide of cultists to reach their lords’ bodies. When they reached them where they thought they would find two dead space wolves, they found both lying on the ground using each other’s backs to prop themselves up blasting at the cultists around them with bolt pistols. Ragnar had a piece of steel punched through his left leg while Sven’s knee was bending the wrong way round, both had small cuts on their face from the shrapnel but the blood was already clotting. ‘May I suggest we fall back, my Lords?’ asked the Sigurd. ‘Yes priest, I think you may be right,’ replied Sven. Just as the wolves started to fall back a cultist with a sniper rifle pulled the trigger and shouted out a praise to his gods. Sven collapsed to the ground. He grasped his friend’s hand and with a grim smile said ‘I will see you in hell brother.’ Hope you enjoy reading this as much as i did writing it.:) Any critisism and comments are welcome guys. i will add to the story soon but i dont know when it maybe tomorrow, it may be next month. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dosjetka Posted April 1, 2010 Share Posted April 1, 2010 Hm...nice story but there are a few things...(I apologise if I appear to be harsh.) 1) too many times the word "brother" for my taste, 2) you should divde the dialogues so that they are more discernable (it looks better) 3) I think there's a bit too much banter and not enough action/atmosphere for my taste 4) it all happens a bit too quickly...you should add a bit more 'meat' to the story. Again, this is all my point of view, take what you want from it. Hope that helps! :D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
space wolf of the 13th Posted April 1, 2010 Author Share Posted April 1, 2010 Hm...nice story but there are a few things...(I apologise if I appear to be harsh.) 1) too many times the word "brother" for my taste, 2) you should divde the dialogues so that they are more discernable (it looks better) 3) I think there's a bit too much banter and not enough action/atmosphere for my taste 4) it all happens a bit too quickly...you should add a bit more 'meat' to the story. Again, this is all my point of view, take what you want from it. Hope that helps! ;) thanks it has i see what you mean about my use of brother. i corrected the other points as best as i could but this is only the the first chapter the story is based on the first chapter. the second part is just explaining his history on the planet. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
calgar101 Posted April 1, 2010 Share Posted April 1, 2010 Quite a good opening. Some tweaks here and there maybe but over all i like it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Skirax Posted April 1, 2010 Share Posted April 1, 2010 Ludovic stole my lines *shakes fist* ;) Yeah, reads much better now, and nice to see some Wolf stories coming up. If you want to run your updates by me and Calgar101 any time, we'll be happy to help :) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
space wolf of the 13th Posted April 1, 2010 Author Share Posted April 1, 2010 Thanks guys skirax i probly run them through both of you lol :) ;) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
calgar101 Posted April 1, 2010 Share Posted April 1, 2010 No probelms, if you need advice or anything just ask me ;) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Skirax Posted April 1, 2010 Share Posted April 1, 2010 Us, you mean ;) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
calgar101 Posted April 1, 2010 Share Posted April 1, 2010 Didn't realise im now your manager? Well okay i accept, GET WRITING Sorry Space wolf, i will leave now. Untill next time. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dosjetka Posted April 2, 2010 Share Posted April 2, 2010 Ask me too any time! and how did I steal your lines Skirax? There's no copyright on them :P Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Skirax Posted April 2, 2010 Share Posted April 2, 2010 ;) *Runs down to patenting office*:D Jokes, I meant the fact that you pointed out exactly what I spotted. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
space wolf of the 13th Posted April 2, 2010 Author Share Posted April 2, 2010 hmmm to add some blood angles or ultramarines hmmmmmm i wonder. any ideas? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dosjetka Posted April 2, 2010 Share Posted April 2, 2010 Hm...I don't really like either so I can't say...maybe do the Smurfs? *runs and hides before he gets punched by other members* Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
space wolf of the 13th Posted April 2, 2010 Author Share Posted April 2, 2010 lol well which one you hate more cos i cona slag them (no offence calgar but me and my old smirf army had a fallout cough squad of guardsmen plus creed kills calgar and honour guard some how cough) edit i will not personaly slag them i mean that the wolves will Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dosjetka Posted April 2, 2010 Share Posted April 2, 2010 Go on! Take the Smurfs! I don't like BA's that much anymore...:lol: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
calgar101 Posted April 2, 2010 Share Posted April 2, 2010 If the no offence was aimed at me dont worry. I started with the Smurfs then did DIY and now Ahwooo!(Space Wolves:P) Only chose Calgar101 as my name as everything else i wanted was taken ;) Slag the Smurfs off :lol: I will in my sotry... as well as others.. Muwahahahahahaha. But yea wheres the next chapter? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
space wolf of the 13th Posted April 2, 2010 Author Share Posted April 2, 2010 But yea wheres the next chapter? I still need to write it I was a bit busy with making two skyclaw packs and a long fang pack by tomorrow I should Have it Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
calgar101 Posted April 2, 2010 Share Posted April 2, 2010 Thats no excuse! I made a SW battle force, another drop pod, a land raider, Master of the forge and 4 serivtors, Njal and 10 Terminator wolf guard as well as a host of other things and still added! There is no respite, no peace! There is only writing! Seriously thats cool, make sure its good ;) As im sure it will be. If you find anything i say annoying or tastless just tell me and well i'll dunno.. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
space wolf of the 13th Posted April 2, 2010 Author Share Posted April 2, 2010 Hmmmmm in my original plan I was going to use the 'I will see you in hell brother' as like a reacuring fraise but I'm not sure now. I do so very much love that line lol'. ;) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
calgar101 Posted April 2, 2010 Share Posted April 2, 2010 I have updated my sig:) Will you update tomorrow? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sigismund Himself Posted April 3, 2010 Share Posted April 3, 2010 Guys, leave off the personal chatter and the Ultramarine 'slagging'. Otherwise there will be action taken. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Skirax Posted April 3, 2010 Share Posted April 3, 2010 Sorry, Sig. I agree, when's the new Chapter up? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
space wolf of the 13th Posted April 3, 2010 Author Share Posted April 3, 2010 sry sig the next chapter be up in a couple of hours Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
space wolf of the 13th Posted April 3, 2010 Author Share Posted April 3, 2010 Drop pod deck on ‘Fenris’ Fury’ ‘Get to your pod!’ shouted a sergeant farther down the deck. Ragnar sniffed the air; he could smell the blood claws excitement, the grey hunters steely resolve and his own wolf guards’ eagerness for combat. He smiled to himself, this was going to be a interesting campaign. ‘Lord Ragnar to the bridge,’ came ship master Thengir’s voice over the vox. ‘Ship master we are about to drop,’ replied Ragnar trying to keep the annoyance from his voice. ‘I know Lord but this demands your attention now.’ ‘I will be with you shortly.’ ‘CANCEL THE DROP!’ Ragnar shouted to his company. ‘What is it Lord?’ asked one of his wolf guard. ‘I don’t know brother.’ Bridge on ‘Fenris’ Fury’ ‘This better be good ship master,’ said Ragnar as he entered the bridge. ‘It is Lord; a space marine battle barge has just entered this system.’ ‘What? Is it broadcasting an identity code?’ ‘Yes Lord its code defines it as ‘Victory’s Might’ an Ultramarine ship.’ ‘Dam it why do those starch asses always have to come and get in the way.’ ‘They are demanding a meeting with you.’ ‘Tell then fine but they come here to our ship.’ ‘They are coming towards us at cruising speed,’ said one of the helms men ‘I will take that as a yes brothers,’ said Ragnar sarcastically ‘Lord?’ ‘Get the porters to prepare a feast for our Ultramarine brothers and tell them to use our strongest beer.’ ‘Yes Lord.’ Ragnar left the bridge and when the doors closed Thengir asked his helms men with a wolfish smile ‘I wonder what our Lord has planned.’ lol this is the best i could come up with to join two main parts of my story but i can not revel the next part mwahahaha extra brownie points for who ever finds the person from the spaces wolfs past. hint: leman russ knew him well Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jonas Stromclaw Posted April 3, 2010 Share Posted April 3, 2010 Potential for drunk ultramarines... This could get interesting. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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