Wraiths of Darkness

[Captain Juan Juarez]

'twas a joke, Sir!

 

And as for Brother Solomon I have seen him post recently.

[Dark Apostle Thirst]

'twas a joke, Sir!

 

And as for Brother Solomon I have seen him post recently.

 

Yes, it was a joke. I waon't actually name him the Phantom of the Opera.

 

Good to hear that Solomon is still around.

[Dark Apostle Thirst]

Hmmm.... No comments?

 

I think I shall name him the Phantom Lord.

[Dark Apostle Thirst]

Alright, let's see...

 

Organization (cont.)

 

Sqauds are led like any other warband. However, one marine is normally appointed as the 'loot keeper' of the squad. This marine's job is to capture enemy weapons and ammunition, as well as scout ahead of the squad whilst part of a raiding party, looking for armouries and the like.

 

These marines direct their brethren to these caches, and teleport the stolen items back to the Wraithe's fleet. For vehicles and natural veins of resources, the commanding squad is notified. Vehicles usually take the whole squad to take back, and are usually regarded as a lesser find to natural resources.

 

Veins of ore and metal, oil wells and the like are highly valuable. The raiding force views these as the highest priorities, and the loot keeper who found it is usually rewarded well.

 

The most trusted loot keepers are tasked with raiding Forge Worlds. These resource rich planets are irresistably targets for the Wraithes, and so are most often dispatched one of the lest three Summonings to raid them.

[Viray]

Alright, let's see...

 

Organization (cont.)

 

Sqauds are led like any other warband. However, one marine is normally appointed as the 'loot keeper' of the squad. This marine's job is to capture enemy weapons and ammunition, as well as scout ahead of the squad whilst part of a raiding party, looking for armouries and the like.

 

These marines direct their brethren to these caches, and teleport the stolen items back to the Wraithe's fleet. For vehicles and natural veins of resources, the commanding squad is notified. Vehicles usually take the whole squad to take back, and are usually regarded as a lesser find to natural resources.

 

Veins of ore and metal, oil wells and the like are highly valuable. The raiding force views these as the highest priorities, and the loot keeper who found it is usually rewarded well.

 

The most trusted loot keepers are tasked with raiding Forge Worlds. These resource rich planets are irresistably targets for the Wraithes, and so are most often dispatched one of the lest three Summonings to raid them.

Perhaps that's a bit much? You've already got a number of unique traits and practices for the Wraithes, adding more will only make your Chapter (Warband?) appear forced and convoluted. Personally, I think you should expand upon the ideas you already have (you've got plenty of material to work with) rather than put unnecessary strain on yourself by branching out even more and then having to explain everything in detail. If you must keep this point though, you could just incorporate this into the Wraithes' overall approach to warfare. That way, you keep the point while avoiding having to go into too much detail explaining the need for such specialized members.

[Dark Apostle Thirst]

Alright, let's see...

 

Organization (cont.)

 

Sqauds are led like any other warband. However, one marine is normally appointed as the 'loot keeper' of the squad. This marine's job is to capture enemy weapons and ammunition, as well as scout ahead of the squad whilst part of a raiding party, looking for armouries and the like.

 

These marines direct their brethren to these caches, and teleport the stolen items back to the Wraithe's fleet. For vehicles and natural veins of resources, the commanding squad is notified. Vehicles usually take the whole squad to take back, and are usually regarded as a lesser find to natural resources.

 

Veins of ore and metal, oil wells and the like are highly valuable. The raiding force views these as the highest priorities, and the loot keeper who found it is usually rewarded well.

 

The most trusted loot keepers are tasked with raiding Forge Worlds. These resource rich planets are irresistably targets for the Wraithes, and so are most often dispatched one of the lest three Summonings to raid them.

Perhaps that's a bit much? You've already got a number of unique traits and practices for the Wraithes, adding more will only make your Chapter (Warband?) appear forced and convoluted. Personally, I think you should expand upon the ideas you already have (you've got plenty of material to work with) rather than put unnecessary strain on yourself by branching out even more and then having to explain everything in detail. If you must keep this point though, you could just incorporate this into the Wraithes' overall approach to warfare. That way, you keep the point while avoiding having to go into too much detail explaining the need for such specialized members.

 

One of the main reasons the Nephilim was an excellent IT was that it went into depth about such things. I seek to make my ITs and IAs similar in the respect that they are also very detailed and realistic.

 

I think you are also assuming that I am just trying to put stuff in; the idea of loot keepers popped into my head and it seemed to fit perfectly, so I added it. Simple as.

 

But that's just my thoughts on the matter.

[Dark Apostle Thirst]

Freakish double post. Move along. Edited April 19, 2010 by Dark Apostle Thirst

[The Normish]

I actually like the idea of the loot taker, it is similar to my DIY Chapter's Doomsayer (though I have only one per Company), if not in function, then in theme.

Seems like you have a good Warband on the way here. Essentially, you have two "Chapter Masters?"

[Viray]

I think you are also assuming that I am just trying to put stuff in; the idea of loot keepers popped into my head and it seemed to fit perfectly, so I added it. Simple as.

Doesn't the second half of that statement actually support the first half? :D

 

One of the main reasons the Nephilim was an excellent IT was that it went into depth about such things. I seek to make my ITs and IAs similar in the respect that they are also very detailed and realistic.

But that's just my thoughts on the matter.

Right. This is your IA after all and, in the end, it is you who decides what to do with it. All I'm trying to do is give you a heads up. Writing with detail on a single topic is difficult enough; writing in detail on such a wide breadth of subject matter may prove too strenuous. However, I see that you have your own particular ideals as a writer that you wish to follow, so, if you truly are set on pursuing such a course, all I can really say is this: good luck. :D

[Dark Apostle Thirst]

I think you are also assuming that I am just trying to put stuff in; the idea of loot keepers popped into my head and it seemed to fit perfectly, so I added it. Simple as.

Doesn't the second half of that statement actually support the first half? :)

 

One of the main reasons the Nephilim was an excellent IT was that it went into depth about such things. I seek to make my ITs and IAs similar in the respect that they are also very detailed and realistic.

But that's just my thoughts on the matter.

Right. This is your IA after all and, in the end, it is you who decides what to do with it. All I'm trying to do is give you a heads up. Writing with detail on a single topic is difficult enough; writing in detail on such a wide breadth of subject matter may prove too strenuous. However, I see that you have your own particular ideals as a writer that you wish to follow, so, if you truly are set on pursuing such a course, all I can really say is this: good luck. ^_^

 

What I meant was I'm not going "Oh noes, I need to put a lot of crap in"; it's more like "Hey, that's a great idea, I think I'll put it in there".

[Viray]

Ah, I think we are misunderstanding one another here. I am in no way accusing you of just throwing in things just to fill out your IA. However, considering you already have a fair number of unique traits to work with in your IA, I was trying to warn you not to overextend yourself by adding in a detail that affects your warband's army composition at an individual level. This will, of course, require a higher level of detail and attention. You could easily keep the overall theme of this bit while sparing yourself some hardship by using it an a more ovarching manner rather than placing it on such a focused level.

 

Just my two cents, ya know?

[Dark Apostle Thirst]

Ah, I think we are misunderstanding one another here. I am in no way accusing you of just throwing in things just to fill out your IA. However, considering you already have a fair number of unique traits to work with in your IA, I was trying to warn you not to overextend yourself by adding in a detail that affects your warband's army composition at an individual level. This will, of course, require a higher level of detail and attention. You could easily keep the overall theme of this bit while sparing yourself some hardship by using it an a more ovarching manner rather than placing it on such a focused level.

 

Just my two cents, ya know?

 

I see what you are saying. However, the general theme of this is teleporting raiders and pirates who are very cunning and selfish. I am going to have to make sure it doesn't stray from that, but I do want to make it very detailed. Again, It's a fine balance, but the end result is well worth the effort.

[Dark Apostle Thirst]

Within all of the Summonings, save for the last three, the marines are divided by their chosen worship - that of either Tzeentch or Khorne. Most simply follow Tzeentch, for he is seen as the cunning god. However, some need a more material gain, and feel the need to dominate their foes through martial prowess. These are the ones who follow Khorne.

 

Not sure where that bit goes, beliefs or organization.

 

Beliefs (cont.)

 

Although their geneseed allows the Wraithes of Darkness to teleport, they stay together. The reason for this is simple - while they stay as part of the Wraithes, they are provided with shelter, sustenance, and materials as well as the opportunity to fight for glory and plunder.

[Viray]

Within all of the Summonings, save for the last three, the marines are divided by their chosen worship - that of either Tzeentch or Khorne. Most simply follow Tzeentch, for he is seen as the cunning god. However, some need a more material gain, and feel the need to dominate their foes through martial prowess. These are the ones who follow Khorne.

 

Not sure where that bit goes, beliefs or organization.

I'd put that under orginization.

 

Although their geneseed allows the Wraithes of Darkness to teleport, they stay together. The reason for this is simple - while they stay as part of the Wraithes, they are provided with shelter, sustenance, and materials as well as the opportunity to fight for glory and plunder.

Considering they can teleport, I would think that most of the Wraithes would need more incentive to stay with the warband than just that. With such unique skills, they would be highly prized amongst other Chaos warbands and so it kind of renders the whole "shelter, sustenance, and materials" bit moot. Are they particularly reviled amongst other Chaos forces; is that why they can only find such relative safety amongst their numbers? Perhaps they have an extreme sense of loyalty and duty towards their brethren; you know, evil with standards? It has to be something more substantial or I can't really see why most Wraithes would refrain from seeking their own fortune amongst the stars.

 

Also, the teleporting!? I know you've had several drafts of this Chapter up before, but I wasn't around for those so forgive my exclamation of surprise; it really caught me off guard.

[Ace Debonair]

Although their geneseed allows the Wraithes of Darkness to teleport, they stay together. The reason for this is simple - while they stay as part of the Wraithes, they are provided with shelter, sustenance, and materials as well as the opportunity to fight for glory and plunder.

Considering they can teleport, I would think that most of the Wraithes would need more incentive to stay with the warband than just that. With such unique skills, they would be highly prized amongst other Chaos warbands and so it kind of renders the whole "shelter, sustenance, and materials" bit moot. Are they particularly reviled amongst other Chaos forces; is that why they can only find such relative safety amongst their numbers? Perhaps they have an extreme sense of loyalty and duty towards their brethren; you know, evil with standards? It has to be something more substantial or I can't really see why most Wraithes would refrain from seeking their own fortune amongst the stars.

 

Also, the teleporting!? I know you've had several drafts of this Chapter up before, but I wasn't around for those so forgive my exclamation of surprise; it really caught me off guard.

 

I like that idea. I don't remember you saying the Wraithes play nice with other warbands. :)

 

Also "evil with standards" is an excellent phrase. ;)

[Dark Apostle Thirst]

Although their geneseed allows the Wraithes of Darkness to teleport, they stay together. The reason for this is simple - while they stay as part of the Wraithes, they are provided with shelter, sustenance, and materials as well as the opportunity to fight for glory and plunder.

Considering they can teleport, I would think that most of the Wraithes would need more incentive to stay with the warband than just that. With such unique skills, they would be highly prized amongst other Chaos warbands and so it kind of renders the whole "shelter, sustenance, and materials" bit moot. Are they particularly reviled amongst other Chaos forces; is that why they can only find such relative safety amongst their numbers? Perhaps they have an extreme sense of loyalty and duty towards their brethren; you know, evil with standards? It has to be something more substantial or I can't really see why most Wraithes would refrain from seeking their own fortune amongst the stars.

 

Also, the teleporting!? I know you've had several drafts of this Chapter up before, but I wasn't around for those so forgive my exclamation of surprise; it really caught me off guard.

 

I like that idea. I don't remember you saying the Wraithes play nice with other warbands. :teehee:

 

Also "evil with standards" is an excellent phrase. :P

 

I like the idea as well. I can just see them having a similar look on other Chaos Warbands as the Night Lords. The only reason they haven't assissanted Abbadon yet is because noone has paid them enough :P

 

Just kidding. But the assassin idea - which is kinda what I meant them to be, along with shameless looters - despised for their lofty attitude, generated from a gift which they gained through no work of their own - this has potential.

 

Perhaps a section on relations with other Chaos forces like the reverse form of relations with other Imperial forces? Describing their 'beef' with other warbands and such?

 

Although their geneseed allows the Wraithes of Darkness to teleport, they stay together. The reason for this is simple - while they stay as part of the Wraithes, they are provided with shelter, sustenance, and materials as well as the opportunity to fight for glory and plunder.

Considering they can teleport, I would think that most of the Wraithes would need more incentive to stay with the warband than just that. With such unique skills, they would be highly prized amongst other Chaos warbands and so it kind of renders the whole "shelter, sustenance, and materials" bit moot. Are they particularly reviled amongst other Chaos forces; is that why they can only find such relative safety amongst their numbers? Perhaps they have an extreme sense of loyalty and duty towards their brethren; you know, evil with standards? It has to be something more substantial or I can't really see why most Wraithes would refrain from seeking their own fortune amongst the stars.

 

Also, the teleporting!? I know you've had several drafts of this Chapter up before, but I wasn't around for those so forgive my exclamation of surprise; it really caught me off guard.

 

I like that idea. I don't remember you saying the Wraithes play nice with other warbands. :huh:

 

Also "evil with standards" is an excellent phrase. :P

 

I like the idea as well. I can just see them having a similar look on other Chaos Warbands as the Night Lords. The only reason they haven't assissanted Abbadon yet is because noone has paid them enough :P

 

Just kidding. But the assassin idea - which is kinda what I meant them to be, along with shameless looters - despised for their lofty attitude, generated from a gift which they gained through no work of their own - this has potential.

 

Perhaps a section on relations with other Chaos forces like the reverse form of relations with other Imperial forces? Describing their 'beef' with other warbands and such?

[Viray]

Just kidding. But the assassin idea - which is kinda what I meant them to be, along with shameless looters - despised for their lofty attitude, generated from a gift which they gained through no work of their own - this has potential.

 

Perhaps a section on relations with other Chaos forces like the reverse form of relations with other Imperial forces? Describing their 'beef' with other warbands and such?

Definitely go for it; the assassin bit sounds particularly interesting...

 

Also "evil with standards" is an excellent phrase. :P

Sadly, the phrase does not originate from me (probably already knew that), it's a trope.

[Dark Apostle Thirst]

Just kidding. But the assassin idea - which is kinda what I meant them to be, along with shameless looters - despised for their lofty attitude, generated from a gift which they gained through no work of their own - this has potential.

 

Perhaps a section on relations with other Chaos forces like the reverse form of relations with other Imperial forces? Describing their 'beef' with other warbands and such?

Definitely go for it; the assassin bit sounds particularly interesting...

 

Also "evil with standards" is an excellent phrase. B)

Sadly, the phrase does not originate from me (probably already knew that), it's a trope.

 

Alright then...

 

Relations with Chaos forces

 

The only time when the Wraithes take to war is when they are paid for it. Often, this involves targeting other Chaos Warbands.

 

This ranges from assisinating an enemy leader, to engaging in a full out war. It is the former that the Wraithes excel at, and have begun to see themselves as superior simply because they have the capabilities to do so better than most others. Other warbands despise them for their haughty attitude, but this hatred is swallowed simply because they are so effective.

 

That is not the only reason why they have so many enemies. They have earned the enmity of many warbands for crippling their supply sources and completely removing their infrastructure.

 

I will work on this later.

[Walter Payton]

I think it would be a good idea to put all of this into post one, because at the moment I can't be bothered trawling through the whole thing and quoting multiple posts just to give you C&C :devil: What I will say is: Teleporting Marines. You will have to be careful that this doesn't come across as Mary Sue. They'll be destroying Strike Cruisers with their minds next1 B)

[Dark Apostle Thirst]

I think it would be a good idea to put all of this into post one, because at the moment I can't be bothered trawling through the whole thing and quoting multiple posts just to give you C&C :devil: What I will say is: Teleporting Marines. You will have to be careful that this doesn't come across as Mary Sue. They'll be destroying Strike Cruisers with their minds next1 B)

 

Nah, that's Thirst spefic. And that's only because he's very subtle, and can use that to have some big effects (hint: causing a failure in the plasma reactors while putting a warp mirror in front of the orbital bombardment cannons can have extremely devastating effects).

[Dark Apostle Thirst]

Alecto mentioned putting it all into one post. I don't think I'll do that quite yet, simply because I am making it up bit by bit and retconning as I go. If you don't like part of the IT in progress let me know as I am making that bit of the IT.

 

Thanks for your time, Thirst

[Dark Apostle Thirst]

I have to sift through quite a morass here... regained my senses and got eveything back into one post :P

 

 

Origins

 

The Wraithes of Darkness were born from the Wraithes of the Emperor. This chapter was founded in the 21st Founding, and soon flourished. They earned a reputation for being elite spys and saboteurs, always at the right place at the right time, experts at hacking into the enemies comm and never letting them know.

 

Time passed. The Wraithes of the Emperor became one of the many chapters out there, with a decent history and the respect of their brothers as an equal brother. But they were not equal, for they were cursed.

 

The Wraithes of the Emperor could teleport. The effects of such journeys were extremely lethal to those without extreme protection or psychic gift. Eventually the Chapter Master himself accidentaly teleported, and was plucked from the Warp by Alpha Legionarres.

 

The Chapter Master was not forced to go through agonizing toture of the body, but rather of the mind. Constantly tempted by Chaos, shown the power he and his chapter could wield... eventually, they allowed him to escape and run back to his chapter.

 

It was there, with the power to do what the Alpha Legionarres wanted, that he faced darkest test of all. His chapter was dying, their greatest heroes being taken off into the Warp. After losing almost 75% of his First Company, he finally begged for whatever power was out there to protect them from, not kill them.

 

Tzeentch answered, and the Chapter Master led the Wriathes of the Emperor into the service of Chaos.

 

Homeworld

 

The Wraithes found OMaM when the populations were almost wiped out, constantly wrring at each other. It seemed that the daemon world grew rich and bountiful when whole wars worth of blood had been spilt, and so the tribes were forced to kill each other to feed their own tribes. It had gotten to the point that only a few small tribes were left, seeking each other out so that the land would grow bountiful again.

 

The Wraithes made sure that they remained apart, and began importing slave to sacrifice on the world's surface. They also started new tribes from some of the more feral slaves captured, so that when the tribes began to become massive once more they would go to war and so provide the Wraithes with more recruits than the few they had picked from here and there.

 

Geneseed

 

The Wraithes of Darkness are of the 21st founding, as it gave the chapter the ability to teleport, but the effects of said teleportation were suitably lethal. They sought refuge from the effects in Chaos, and were mostly succesful.

 

The Wraithes have begun to gather the geneseed of other warbands and chapters. They hope to eventually gather enough geneseed to create whole squads and perhaps even companies of chaos marines made up warriors with the same geneseed.

 

They hope to use the companies of one geneseed to create warriors who are unusually talented and specialized in one area and put them tow work in that area as well as teach their teleporting brethren as the best at their tasks. An example of this is to have those with Raven Guard geneseed to scout out the weak points in the enemie's army and have those with White Scar geneseed raid it.

 

They have most of the eighteen geneseed, but Word Bearer, Dark Angel, and Blood Angel geneseed has become particularily elusive, and all attempts to gain Grey Knight geneseed have met crushing failure.

 

Beliefs

 

The Wraithes venerate all of the Chaos Gods save Nurgle. Nurgle is seen as the Coward God, worshipped only by those who are not skilled enough to keep themselves alive and so begged for mercy - begging is an anethma to true, worthy astartes, who feel no fear. Any who show signs of cowardice are executed.

 

Khorne is venerated only because of the sheer lethality he bestows upon his champions. Those who follow him within the warband are constantly monitered to make sure they do not become mindless berzerkers.

 

Slaanesh is worshipped because of usefullness of her daemons. The ability to bewitch those who lack the strength of will to resist is usefull for culling the weak.

 

Tzeentch is the cunning god, the one who is truly worthy of honor. Tzeentch is not mindless yet he is still incredibly lethal, he is allknowing and allpowerful. He bestows wisdom as well as power upon his champions, and is so seen as the greatest of the gods.

 

Within all of the Summonings, save for the last three, the marines are divided by their chosen worship - that of either Tzeentch or Khorne. Most simply follow Tzeentch, for he is seen as the cunning god. However, some need a more material gain, and feel the need to dominate their foes through martial prowess. These are the ones who follow Khorne.

 

Although their geneseed allows the Wraithes of Darkness to teleport, they stay together. The reason for this is simple - while they stay as part of the Wraithes, they are provided with shelter, sustenance, and materials as well as the opportunity to fight for glory and plunder.

 

 

 

Organization

 

Unusually, the Wraithes are orginized similar to a codex chapter. There is the command group, and Summonings about the strength of a standard company. However, there are Sixteen Summonings, and not all are company strength.

 

The First through Tenth summonings are around a hundred strong. They are usually bargained for when another warband needs an unexpected weapon to use, or a fast moving force that can take the enemy by surprise.

 

The Eleventh and Twelfth Summonings are 250 strong each, and are normally called upon to completely devastate an enemy stronghold or titan. With their superior numbers and astartes skill, they have proven the bane of many heavily defended targets.

 

The last three Summonings are much smaller, usually numbering a mere twenty Astartes. However, these warriors are the elite of the Wraithes and their skills in warfare are unmatched by any other within the warband. They are highly valued and respected amongst the Wraithes, for they are masters of the three, great tenents: stealth, fear, and surprise. As such, it is rare for the warriors of these Summonings to take to the battlefield, their skills far too valuable to risk in minor conflicts, and rarer still for these warriors to fail.

 

The reason for such large numbers is simple - the Wraithes of Darkness only fight when their services are bought or their is to be resources to be gained. Most of their traitorous existence has been spent building up supplies and marines, that being their only goal - aside from earning glory and the favor of the worthy gods.

 

 

 

There is actually two Spectres of Death, one who takes care of the warband and it's administrative duties, and the one who is the cause of most of the victories of the Wraithes.

 

This Spectre is the master of teleportation, shimmering behind enemies battlelines were they can see him, becoming clear in the presence of dying enemies. Armed with a bloody scythe and adorned with twisted icons of once Imperial faith, his sole duty is to completely demoralize the enemy. All such Spectres have been taught by the Night Lords.

 

He has been taught to wear the skull helms of fallen Chaplains, and to stare officers in the eye. To silent and swift, but still advertise his presence. To take his own victims, to make the screams of the dying reach all who oppose the Wraithes, and to cut them short - and to make sure that when and where the bodies are found, their faces are twisted by uncontrolled fear and horror, where all might see them.

 

But the greatest horror waits for when the enemy finally breaks off and run. The Wraithes then go amongst them, stealing the fleeing enemy. Some are sacrificed then, simply to inspire even greater terror amongst the broken horde. Most are sacrificed elsewhere, to the Daemon World, to seal pacts with darker powers, and to Tzeentch himself.

 

 

 

 

Sqauds are led like any other warband. However, one marine is normally appointed as the 'loot keeper' of the squad. This marine's job is to capture enemy weapons and ammunition, as well as scout ahead of the squad whilst part of a raiding party, looking for armouries and the like.

 

These marines direct their brethren to these caches, and teleport the stolen items back to the Wraithe's fleet. For vehicles and natural veins of resources, the commanding squad is notified. Vehicles usually take the whole squad to take back, and are usually regarded as a lesser find to natural resources.

 

Veins of ore and metal, oil wells and the like are highly valuable. The raiding force views these as the highest priorities, and the loot keeper who found it is usually rewarded well.

 

The most trusted loot keepers are tasked with raiding Forge Worlds. These resource rich planets are irresistably targets for the Wraithes, and so are most often dispatched one of the lest three Summonings to raid them.

 

Relations with Chaos forces

 

The only time when the Wraithes take to war is when they are paid for it. Often, this involves targeting other Chaos Warbands.

 

This ranges from assisinating an enemy leader, to engaging in a full out war. It is the former that the Wraithes excel at, and have begun to see themselves as superior simply because they have the capabilities to do so better than most others. Other warbands despise them for their haughty attitude, but this hatred is swallowed simply because they are so effective.

 

That is not the only reason why they have so many enemies. They have earned the enmity of many warbands for crippling their supply sources and completely removing their infrastructure. Their ability has cause the deaths of many rivals as well as allies, and they are universally hated for the damage they have or may cause.

 

And that is the completely organized version of the IT as it stands.

[Dark Apostle Thirst]

Voting time : what should I expand next?

 

We have orginization, which is pretty advanced as is, but will definitely need more expanding in time.

 

There is beliefs, which could possibly describe how they view terrorizing the victims and what worship is needed to ensure safety when teleporting.

 

Origins is pretty bare bones at the moment, more of a summary than anything.

 

Relations has a lot of potential.

 

Homeworld, too, has a lot of potential. Am currently wondering if I should expand on tribes or on the daemonic nature of the world itself.

 

Geneseed... Now there is something fun to use (which could also be used to integrate and expand upon Organization). Maybe talk about how they are trying to gether geneseed some more?

 

So, what do you guys want to see next?

[Sigismund Himself]

I would suggest going away and working on your ideas. Put together 3000 words. The more you triple and quadruple post with minimal or no updates, the less likely you are to get feedback.

 

The Wraithes of Darkness

Wraiths is the correct pluralisation. There's also other spelling errors throughout the article that need correcting.

 

They earned a reputation for being elite spys and saboteurs, always at the right place at the right time, experts at hacking into the enemies comm and never letting them know.

Hacking into comms? That honestly should be standard procedure for Astartes. And you don't tell us how they developed into elite spies etc.

 

The Wraithes of the Emperor could teleport. The effects of such journeys were extremely lethal to those without extreme protection or psychic gift. Eventually the Chapter Master himself accidentaly teleported, and was plucked from the Warp by Alpha Legionarres.

You can't just dump 'Oh and they can teleport' like that. As a reader, I'm now going 'What?'.

 

Also, how did the Alpha Legionnares pluck him from the warp? It just makes it seem far too implausible.

 

The Chapter Master was not forced to go through agonizing toture of the body, but rather of the mind. Constantly tempted by Chaos, shown the power he and his chapter could wield... eventually, they allowed him to escape and run back to his chapter.

Why did his chapter accept him back? Why didn't they put him through tests that would reveal what had been done to him? Why wouldn't he kill himself after being tainted in such a way?

 

It was there, with the power to do what the Alpha Legionarres wanted, that he faced darkest test of all. His chapter was dying, their greatest heroes being taken off into the Warp. After losing almost 75% of his First Company, he finally begged for whatever power was out there to protect them from, not kill them.

 

Tzeentch answered, and the Chapter Master led the Wriathes of the Emperor into the service of Chaos.

Why? His duty is to the Emperor first and foremost, not the survival of his chapter. The whole fall to chaos you've got seems rather cliched to me.

 

To be honest, the whole origins story you've got doesn't work because we don't get told enough about the original chapter to really care about their fall. The whole point of the IT seems to be to cover the Wraiths of Darkness, not the fall from grace of the Wraiths of the Emperor. And that's fine. So I would advise cutting the origins section and just put in something along the lines of when they first appeared and rumours of who they were before they fell.

 

The Wraithes found OMaM

What's its name?

 

It seemed that the daemon world grew rich and bountiful when whole wars worth of blood had been spilt, and so the tribes were forced to kill each other to feed their own tribes. It had gotten to the point that only a few small tribes were left, seeking each other out so that the land would grow bountiful again.

 

The Wraithes have begun to gather the geneseed of other warbands and chapters. They hope to eventually gather enough geneseed to create whole squads and perhaps even companies of chaos marines made up warriors with the same geneseed.

 

They hope to use the companies of one geneseed to create warriors who are unusually talented and specialized in one area and put them tow work in that area as well as teach their teleporting brethren as the best at their tasks. An example of this is to have those with Raven Guard geneseed to scout out the weak points in the enemie's army and have those with White Scar geneseed raid it.

Geneseed does not make a marine an expert at any type of warfare. It is his upbringing in the chapter that makes him good at a certain skill. So this section doesn't really make sense at all to me.

 

Within all of the Summonings, save for the last three, the marines are divided by their chosen worship - that of either Tzeentch or Khorne.

Summonings? What are those? This is the first time you mention them so no reader will know what they are because you haven't explained them yet.

 

Unusually, the Wraithes are orginized similar to a codex chapter. There is the command group, and Summonings about the strength of a standard company. However, there are Sixteen Summonings, and not all are company strength.

 

The First through Tenth summonings are around a hundred strong. They are usually bargained for when another warband needs an unexpected weapon to use, or a fast moving force that can take the enemy by surprise.

 

The Eleventh and Twelfth Summonings are 250 strong each, and are normally called upon to completely devastate an enemy stronghold or titan. With their superior numbers and astartes skill, they have proven the bane of many heavily defended targets.

 

The last three Summonings are much smaller, usually numbering a mere twenty Astartes. However, these warriors are the elite of the Wraithes and their skills in warfare are unmatched by any other within the warband. They are highly valued and respected amongst the Wraithes, for they are masters of the three, great tenents: stealth, fear, and surprise. As such, it is rare for the warriors of these Summonings to take to the battlefield, their skills far too valuable to risk in minor conflicts, and rarer still for these warriors to fail.

How is your warband able to sustain such large numbers? Life as a traitor is difficult. You've started off with a devastated chapter and now managed to build to over 1500 marines?

 

The reason for such large numbers is simple - the Wraithes of Darkness only fight when their services are bought or their is to be resources to be gained. Most of their traitorous existence has been spent building up supplies and marines, that being their only goal - aside from earning glory and the favor of the worthy gods.

So their goal is mere survival?

 

There is actually two Spectres of Death, one who takes care of the warband and it's administrative duties, and the one who is the cause of most of the victories of the Wraithes.

You need to lead up to the explanation, I've still got little idea of what these roles are.

 

This Spectre is the master of teleportation, shimmering behind enemies battlelines were they can see him, becoming clear in the presence of dying enemies. Armed with a bloody scythe and adorned with twisted icons of once Imperial faith, his sole duty is to completely demoralize the enemy. All such Spectres have been taught by the Night Lords.

 

He has been taught to wear the skull helms of fallen Chaplains, and to stare officers in the eye. To silent and swift, but still advertise his presence. To take his own victims, to make the screams of the dying reach all who oppose the Wraithes, and to cut them short - and to make sure that when and where the bodies are found, their faces are twisted by uncontrolled fear and horror, where all might see them.

Honestly, I'm not interested in this guy. I want to know more about the actual chapter. And don't bring the Night Lords into it, at this point it looks like you're just name dropping.

 

Sqauds are led like any other warband. However, one marine is normally appointed as the 'loot keeper' of the squad. This marine's job is to capture enemy weapons and ammunition, as well as scout ahead of the squad whilst part of a raiding party, looking for armouries and the like.

 

These marines direct their brethren to these caches, and teleport the stolen items back to the Wraithe's fleet. For vehicles and natural veins of resources, the commanding squad is notified. Vehicles usually take the whole squad to take back, and are usually regarded as a lesser find to natural resources.

I would honestly delegate the job of dragging stuff back to the fleet to the serfs. The Astartes' job is to fight and kill.

 

Veins of ore and metal, oil wells and the like are highly valuable. The raiding force views these as the highest priorities, and the loot keeper who found it is usually rewarded well.

So they're miners now? This honestly sounds just a bit silly.

 

The most trusted loot keepers are tasked with raiding Forge Worlds. These resource rich planets are irresistably targets for the Wraithes, and so are most often dispatched one of the lest three Summonings to raid them.

So you've got a force of least than 300 marines attempting to raid some of the highest security worlds in the Imperium? It doesn't make sense to me.

 

The only time when the Wraithes take to war is when they are paid for it. Often, this involves targeting other Chaos Warbands.

Why? Who would pay them to attack other Chaos warbands?

 

This ranges from assisinating an enemy leader, to engaging in a full out war. It is the former that the Wraithes excel at, and have begun to see themselves as superior simply because they have the capabilities to do so better than most others. Other warbands despise them for their haughty attitude, but this hatred is swallowed simply because they are so effective. That is not the only reason why they have so many enemies. They have earned the enmity of many warbands for crippling their supply sources and completely removing their infrastructure. Their ability has cause the deaths of many rivals as well as allies, and they are universally hated for the damage they have or may cause.

This reeks of MISS to me unfortunately.

 

The biggest problem I have with these guys is their ability to teleport. It just breaks the suspension of disbelief to me if you state it outright. If you were to be more subtle with it during the IA and only hint at it then I think the IA would work much better.

 

You've also got no other theme to the chapter. We need to know why these guys fight and what gets them out of bed in the morning to kill, maim and burn. If you're going to have a geneseed curse, you need to have more on how the chapter views it.

 

Hopefully this feedback helps, even if it is fairly critical.

[Dark Apostle Thirst]

I would suggest going away and working on your ideas. Put together 3000 words. The more you triple and quadruple post with minimal or no updates, the less likely you are to get feedback.

 

The Wraithes of Darkness

Wraiths is the correct pluralisation. There's also other spelling errors throughout the article that need correcting.

 

I didn't realize that it would actually be seen as a misspell- I figured it would still work. Sorry about that.

 

They earned a reputation for being elite spys and saboteurs, always at the right place at the right time, experts at hacking into the enemies comm and never letting them know.

Hacking into comms? That honestly should be standard procedure for Astartes. And you don't tell us how they developed into elite spies etc.

 

First Item on the to do list... Explain why they are elite spies

 

The Wraithes of the Emperor could teleport. The effects of such journeys were extremely lethal to those without extreme protection or psychic gift. Eventually the Chapter Master himself accidentaly teleported, and was plucked from the Warp by Alpha Legionarres.

You can't just dump 'Oh and they can teleport' like that. As a reader, I'm now going 'What?'.

 

Also, how did the Alpha Legionnares pluck him from the warp? It just makes it seem far too implausible.

 

Second Item on the to do list... rewrite the introduction to teleporting

 

Using sorcerors?

 

The Chapter Master was not forced to go through agonizing toture of the body, but rather of the mind. Constantly tempted by Chaos, shown the power he and his chapter could wield... eventually, they allowed him to escape and run back to his chapter.

Why did his chapter accept him back? Why didn't they put him through tests that would reveal what had been done to him? Why wouldn't he kill himself after being tainted in such a way?

 

Meh. The thing is, he wasn't heretical... at first. He just seemed to be doubtful, nothing a quick trip to the Reclusiarch won't fix. But when his chapter starts dying on him, the AL's words come back... and affect his actions. I think I will need to clear that up more.

 

It was there, with the power to do what the Alpha Legionarres wanted, that he faced darkest test of all. His chapter was dying, their greatest heroes being taken off into the Warp. After losing almost 75% of his First Company, he finally begged for whatever power was out there to protect them from, not kill them.

 

Tzeentch answered, and the Chapter Master led the Wriathes of the Emperor into the service of Chaos.

Why? His duty is to the Emperor first and foremost, not the survival of his chapter. The whole fall to chaos you've got seems rather cliched to me.

 

To be honest, the whole origins story you've got doesn't work because we don't get told enough about the original chapter to really care about their fall. The whole point of the IT seems to be to cover the Wraiths of Darkness, not the fall from grace of the Wraiths of the Emperor. And that's fine. So I would advise cutting the origins section and just put in something along the lines of when they first appeared and rumours of who they were before they fell.

 

I think that's an excellent idea. I generally don't go for the whole 'origins shrouded in mystery' line, because it tends to shout laziness. It'll probably take a couple of attempts to get right though.

The Wraithes found OMaM

What's its name?

 

OMaM. Don't ask me how it's pronounced.

 

If you like, I'll change it to RaJ.

The Wraithes have begun to gather the geneseed of other warbands and chapters. They hope to eventually gather enough geneseed to create whole squads and perhaps even companies of chaos marines made up warriors with the same geneseed.

 

They hope to use the companies of one geneseed to create warriors who are unusually talented and specialized in one area and put them tow work in that area as well as teach their teleporting brethren as the best at their tasks. An example of this is to have those with Raven Guard geneseed to scout out the weak points in the enemie's army and have those with White Scar geneseed raid it.

Geneseed does not make a marine an expert at any type of warfare. It is his upbringing in the chapter that makes him good at a certain skill. So this section doesn't really make sense at all to me.

 

What you just said... I'll have to challenge you on that one. Have you ever met someone who was just naturally talented at what they did? That's how I view the geneseed. Sure, you can teach White Scars to be stealthy, and Raven Guard to be great raiders, but in the end White Scare tend to be better raiders and Raven Guard tend to be better at sneaking around.

 

They'll get trained extensively in whatever area it is, but that's to accentuate their natural skill.

 

Within all of the Summonings, save for the last three, the marines are divided by their chosen worship - that of either Tzeentch or Khorne.

Summonings? What are those? This is the first time you mention them so no reader will know what they are because you haven't explained them yet.

 

Third item on the to do list... explain and define Summonings

 

Unusually, the Wraithes are orginized similar to a codex chapter. There is the command group, and Summonings about the strength of a standard company. However, there are Sixteen Summonings, and not all are company strength.

 

The First through Tenth summonings are around a hundred strong. They are usually bargained for when another warband needs an unexpected weapon to use, or a fast moving force that can take the enemy by surprise.

 

The Eleventh and Twelfth Summonings are 250 strong each, and are normally called upon to completely devastate an enemy stronghold or titan. With their superior numbers and astartes skill, they have proven the bane of many heavily defended targets.

 

The last three Summonings are much smaller, usually numbering a mere twenty Astartes. However, these warriors are the elite of the Wraithes and their skills in warfare are unmatched by any other within the warband. They are highly valued and respected amongst the Wraithes, for they are masters of the three, great tenents: stealth, fear, and surprise. As such, it is rare for the warriors of these Summonings to take to the battlefield, their skills far too valuable to risk in minor conflicts, and rarer still for these warriors to fail.

How is your warband able to sustain such large numbers? Life as a traitor is difficult. You've started off with a devastated chapter and now managed to build to over 1500 marines?

 

See below.

 

The reason for such large numbers is simple - the Wraithes of Darkness only fight when their services are bought or their is to be resources to be gained. Most of their traitorous existence has been spent building up supplies and marines, that being their only goal - aside from earning glory and the favor of the worthy gods.

So their goal is mere survival?

 

Yes. Plundering and looting, that's nice, having lots of supplies, that really helps. But their only true, main, and permanent goal is to simply survive. They would rather hide in the Eye for thousands of years, building up numbers than to destroy Terra.

 

There is actually two Spectres of Death, one who takes care of the warband and it's administrative duties, and the one who is the cause of most of the victories of the Wraithes.

You need to lead up to the explanation, I've still got little idea of what these roles are.

 

This Spectre is the master of teleportation, shimmering behind enemies battlelines were they can see him, becoming clear in the presence of dying enemies. Armed with a bloody scythe and adorned with twisted icons of once Imperial faith, his sole duty is to completely demoralize the enemy. All such Spectres have been taught by the Night Lords.

 

He has been taught to wear the skull helms of fallen Chaplains, and to stare officers in the eye. To silent and swift, but still advertise his presence. To take his own victims, to make the screams of the dying reach all who oppose the Wraithes, and to cut them short - and to make sure that when and where the bodies are found, their faces are twisted by uncontrolled fear and horror, where all might see them.

Honestly, I'm not interested in this guy. I want to know more about the actual chapter. And don't bring the Night Lords into it, at this point it looks like you're just name dropping.

 

But... but... that is part of the chapter/warband. This is an avatar of their greatest warriors and their preferential warfare. It's an icon of what these guys are about.

 

And, in summary, that is mocking the enemy and being beyond mortal. Sounds very Night Lords, but there is a very important difference between the two. The Wraiths can teleport, and are affected by that.

 

Sqauds are led like any other warband. However, one marine is normally appointed as the 'loot keeper' of the squad. This marine's job is to capture enemy weapons and ammunition, as well as scout ahead of the squad whilst part of a raiding party, looking for armouries and the like.

 

These marines direct their brethren to these caches, and teleport the stolen items back to the Wraithe's fleet. For vehicles and natural veins of resources, the commanding squad is notified. Vehicles usually take the whole squad to take back, and are usually regarded as a lesser find to natural resources.

I would honestly delegate the job of dragging stuff back to the fleet to the serfs. The Astartes' job is to fight and kill.

 

I was going for the marines grabbing the stuff and teleporting it back.

 

Veins of ore and metal, oil wells and the like are highly valuable. The raiding force views these as the highest priorities, and the loot keeper who found it is usually rewarded well.

So they're miners now? This honestly sounds just a bit silly.

 

No... But they still need natural resources, and they still have their gear from loyalist days, so they use it.

 

I was actually thinking of a perimeter being set up, and then a couple of guys teleport with the mining gear and start stealing for what their worth.

 

The most trusted loot keepers are tasked with raiding Forge Worlds. These resource rich planets are irresistable targets for the Wraithes, and so are most often dispatched one of the last three Summonings to raid them.

So you've got a force of least than 300 marines attempting to raid some of the highest security worlds in the Imperium? It doesn't make sense to me.

 

I said Last Three Summonings. didn't I? And didn't I specify that the last three summonings were the elites of the whole warband, and each summoning was only about 20 marines strong?

 

I did also say one of them, didn't I?

 

The only time when the Wraithes take to war is when they are paid for it. Often, this involves targeting other Chaos Warbands.

Why? Who would pay them to attack other Chaos warbands?

 

Other Chaos Warbands...?

 

This ranges from assisinating an enemy leader, to engaging in a full out war. It is the former that the Wraithes excel at, and have begun to see themselves as superior simply because they have the capabilities to do so better than most others. Other warbands despise them for their haughty attitude, but this hatred is swallowed simply because they are so effective. That is not the only reason why they have so many enemies. They have earned the enmity of many warbands for crippling their supply sources and completely removing their infrastructure. Their ability has cause the deaths of many rivals as well as allies, and they are universally hated for the damage they have or may cause.

This reeks of MISS to me unfortunately.

 

The biggest problem I have with these guys is their ability to teleport. It just breaks the suspension of disbelief to me if you state it outright. If you were to be more subtle with it during the IA and only hint at it then I think the IA would work much better.

 

You've also got no other theme to the chapter. We need to know why these guys fight and what gets them out of bed in the morning to kill, maim and burn. If you're going to have a geneseed curse, you need to have more on how the chapter views it.

 

Hopefully this feedback helps, even if it is fairly critical.

 

Fairly critical is how I like it; if I can't make it the best then why should I try at all?

 

Most of the things that I explained out I will put in the new and improved version of the IT, coming sometime soon (probably tommorrow, although I unfortunately can't promise anything). Those things on the to do list will definitely be expanded upon.

 

I do want them to be able to teleport, it's the only thing left of the original Vengeance of Corax. IT was their... theme as well, although I hesitate to use the word - I wanted to give them much more character than just that.